Death And The Maid. In Mahattan.

Lordy, kids, there has been NO GOOD GOSSIP lately! But lest you think I have abandoned ye all, here is some crapola that I scraped from the bottom of the non-news barrel.

First up, J. Lo finally had her twins, a boy and a girl. Yippee. Somehow that ghoul Marc Anthony was able to impregnate her with his pasty zombie seed. Those poor kids are going to have it rough, being of mixed race: Half wampyre and half diva. I don't envy them, no matter how much ridonkulous opulence they are surrounded with their entire lives. The world has made tremendous advances, but it can still be cruel to the spawn of the undead and the untalented.

Can you imagine what a nightmare patient J. Lo must be? I feel bad for the doctors and nurses and scented candle wranglers who had to be at her beck and call in the hospital, I really do.

As long as I live I will never understand people's endless fascination with celeb babies, but you can read all about the holy, sacred event over at People if you really need to. Check out this recent photo of the happy couple:



I don't mean to be ugly, but in her advanced pregnancy, J. Lo's face sort of resembles a tanner version of late-era Kathleen Turner. Have no fear, I'm sure she had all that puffiness sucked out during her Mend It Like Beckham and will be back to her over-the-top, non Turnerish self in no time. And we will have to endure endless photos in the tabloids of every pound dropped, every baby item purchased for months and months. Sigh!



In other lame non-news, Aaron Carter got busted right here in the great state of Texas for pot possession. TMZ reports that the little bro of Nick Carter from The Backstreet Boys was pulled over on I-10 in Junction for speeding and the police searched his car and found 2 ounces of reefer inside! That's kind of a lot, right? If I was Aaron Carter (or that puppy) I'd probably be pretty stoned most of the time myself, I have to admit. I don't know why anyone cares what happens to Aaron Carter, or any member of the Carter family, since they're not on a reality show anymore, but use this information in good health, dear readers. Here's hoping the celebs get up to some better hi-jinx next week!

PS
If you live in Texas, don't forget that early voting is ongoing until next Friday, Feb. 29th!

Amy Winehouse Is Banned From The USA

The New York Times reports in a rather confusing manner that Amy Winehouse's visa to visit the United States for the Grammy Awards has been denied:

In a decision sure to reinvigorate joyful riffing of the line she’s sung most famously, the American embassy in London said “no” once — not thrice — to a troubled British soul singer’s request this week to visit the United States. From Billboard magazine:

Amy Winehouse will not be on hand for the Grammy Awards on Sunday (Feb. 10) in Los Angeles, after her visa application to enter the United States was rejected by the American Embassy in London.

(When American diplomats mention “three no’s” they are usually talking about Taiwan, not the lyrics to “Rehab,” her infectiously hooked single in 2007.)

Her application seemed in doubt on Tuesday, when she exited a rehabilitation clinic in London after 11 days to meet with embassy officials. A day later, she was questioned by police regarding a video that appeared to show her smoking crack cocaine.

“Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago and although disappointed with the decision has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery,” a statement distributed on her behalf said.

Ms. Winehouse’s absence will raise questions for the event’s organizers, who must prepare for her to win at least one of the six awards she’s up for. The nominations include all four of the most prestigious categories: Record of the Year, Song of the Year, Album of the Year and Best New Artist.

Well, there goes the last reason anyone had to watch the stupid Grammy's this year. Harrumph, I say! And phooey on a few minor legal troubles and a wee crack film keeping her from us in our time of need! Boo, hiss!

Britney Free At Last

(image via the new york times)

And the roller coaster ride continues! But I'm not sure if this is happy or sad news! It could really go either way, people, because Britney Spears has been released from UCLA Medical Center and is free to do as she pleases, reports the L.A. Times:

Pop singer Britney Spears was released from a psychiatric ward at the UCLA Medical Center today after nearly a week of treatment.

It was unclear where she was going, but sources said she might head to one of her homes before seeking additional treatment.

Unlike the spectacle surrounding her trip to the Westwood medical facility last week, she slipped out with relatively little fanfare. A private security detail escorted her in contrast to last week when more than a dozen Los Angeles police officers escorted Spears to the hospital via motorcade.

Dear god, no telling what will happen next with this girl. Suicide attempts? Public fisticuffs with her father? Gator wrasslin'? And just wait until her sister has that baby! I just blew my own mind thinking about that one! Whew-ee!

RELATED: Us Weekly provides a helpful synopsis of Britney's tragic life that they excerpted from the new Rolling Stone cover story, which includes the following talking points: Her mother let her get breast implants when she was a still-growing teenager, her dad's an alcoholic, she desperately wanted to Slooty McSkank up her image when she was younger, Justin Timberlake found out about her affair with dancer Wade Dobson when he found a note from Wade backstage at "Saturday Night Live," and she's a bit nuts.

NON-Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Hey, here's some good news: Amy Winehouse ventured out of rehab to see her cad rent boy nogoodnik husband in prison and she looked fabulous!


(image via uk daily mail)

It cheers me to see her looking so much healthier. She was kind of starting to resemble a used dish rag for a while, there. Now all she has to do is dump that lousy husband of hers and maybe she can actually have a decent future...

Not A Child, Perhaps Never To Be A Woman

This is both good and incredibly sad news, but Britney Spears is no longer legally in charge of her finances or any other aspect of her life, as a judge has granted her father Jamie Spears a temporay conservatorship over her affairs. According to Us Weekly:

Jamie Spears has won temporary legal control over his daughter, a judge ruled after a brief hearing Friday. He also has full control over her medical treatment.

Jamie has the power to restrict any visitors to Britney. He is also in charge of arranging 24-hour caretakers for her, as well as security.

In addition, the judge gave Jamie the power to cut off all of the singer’s credit cards and to prosecute any restraining orders on her behalf.

He also has full control of her residence and can legally remove anyone who is staying there. In addition, he has the power to keep Britney in California.

Jamie has control until the next hearing, which is set for Monday afternoon.

Perhaps understandably, Britney had more important things on her mind.

Britney Hospitalization V. 2--UPDATE

TMZ is now reporting that Britney Spears was taken to UCLA Medical Center rather than her former Cedars-Sinai pysch ward stompin' grounds, and has the following minor, but interesting, details:

Our sources say Britney said she was on Adderall, a stimulant used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder, and was taking up to ten laxatives a day. Side note -- cameras caught Spears a few days ago picking up a bagful of laxatives.

We're also told, when she was admitted, Britney accused her mom of "sleeping with my boyfriend." She wasn't specific on who she was referring to.

We're also told that for a time she was hurling profanities at her parents and staff.

Adderall is one of the "It" drugs of choice for celebs trying to lose weight, when they're not taking Rachel Zoe's horse pills, of course. So the poor thing was shoving fistfulls of A.D.D. meds and laxatives down her gullet in an attempt to make herself skinny...still don't see where this is unusual behavior. Ditto accusing her mom of sleeping with her boyfriend. Ditto "hurling profanities." This is Britney Jean Spears we're talking about, people! Par for the course, I say.

Developing!

Amy Winehouse Finally, Maybe, Possibly In Rehab--For Now

When stuff like this has been discussed ad nauseum for months and months with tons of speculation and no hard facts, I don't like to join in the fray unless a respectable news outlet is involved, so I can blame them when it turns out to be wrong. So I was relieved to see that the NY Times just posted this Reuters report:

British soul singer Amy Winehouse, who this week appeared in video footage apparently showing her smoking crack cocaine, has entered a rehab clinic, her record company said on Thursday.

The troubled 24-year-old, who has been dogged by frequent suggestions of drug taking in recent months, has also cancelled a scheduled performance at an awards ceremony in France this Saturday, record company Universal said.

"After talks ... she has decided to go into rehab," the company said.

I hope it's true and that she stays in. Now we must face our own crisis: Endless "She Said Yes, Yes, Yes To Rehab" headlines for the next few thousand hours...

Our Long International Nightmare Is Over

Whew! Forget the crack, the heroin, the husband in prison--the real horror story with Amy Winehouse recently has been her bleachy orange hairdon't! So it was a great relief to note that she got her beehive back to black, and not a moment too soon:


(image via people)

Yay! Crisis over.

World Stunned That Amy Winehouse Does Drugs!

The intertubes are going nuts because an English tabloid has published pictures and video of Amy Winehouse smoking crack. I guess the big deal is that she's caught on film doing it? In front of her wedding picture? Because clearly, the fact that Amy Winehouse does a ton o' drugs is NOT NEW NEWS. The totally over-the-top hysterical UK Sun has the story and the video:

WILD AMY WINEHOUSE was filmed blitzed out of her skull and struggling to talk after sucking in crack fumes from a glass pipe.

The tormented singing sensation took hit after hit of the deadly drug after a 19-minute binge in which she snorted powdered ECSTASY and COCAINE.

And she admitted she had just popped six VALIUM pills to “bring myself down”.

Amy’s spiral of self-destruction was revealed in a harrowing video filmed at her East London home and seen by The Sun.

It will horrify relatives and friends who fear she could soon end up dead.

The footage also laid bare the Back To Black singer’s squalid lifestyle as she stumbled around in a grubby vest surrounded by junkies and parasitic hangers-on.

At one point, lank-haired Amy is warned to watch out for smashed glass on the floor as she scours a bedroom for her kitten barefoot.

The dazed and confused star accuses a guest of taking the pet from a quiet room into the drug-fuelled hubbub of her house party.

She mumbles wearily: “If I was that cat I’d leave on my own accord — I’d call a cab. It ain’t right. This ain’t Toys R Us. They took my cat.”

Oh, boy. This is terrible and sad (somehow the part about the cat both breaks my heart and makes me giggle), and I fear for her sanity and life, but again, why is anyone on earth surprised by all this? IT'S AMY WINEHOUSE. It's like when Kate Moss' cocaine pictures caused everyone to have a giant cow, and I was like, "uh, she's a MODEL and she dates PETE DOHERTY, and you're shocked, shocked to find out that coke snorting is going on?" People just slay me with their feigned shock and judgment.

Brad Renfro Dead At 25

TMZ is reporting that Brad Renfro, the actor best known for his childhood movie debut in The Client, has died:

TMZ has learned actor Brad Renfro is dead.

The 25-year-old actor was found dead at his Los Angeles home this morning. The cause of death has not been determined, however, Renfro had a history of drug abuse.

Sources tell us Renfro, who had starring roles in "The Client" and "Apt Pupil" had been working valiantly to stay clean, especially since this summer. Renfro had been convicted of several drug offenses, including attempted heroin possession.

Renfro had been filming a movie with Winona Ryder and Billy Bob Thornton. The movie, "The Informers," just wrapped.

Renfro has had a rough time personally since moving from Tennessee to Los Angeles. His parents split, and we're told he did not have real guidance from adults as he tried navigating the treacherous movie industry.

This is terribly sad, but I guess not all that shocking, news. He was arrested buying heroin in an L.A. skid row sting operation not that long ago...The weird thing was that I posted a lil' piece a while back about the episode of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" that he appeared on, but the focus of my concern was his co-star on the show, Ethan Embry, who played his brother and looked terrible. Actually, they both looked pretty bad, come to think of it.

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

(image via jezebel)

I was hoping her recent Caribbean vacay would fatten up Amy Winehouse bag o' bones and perhaps put some color into her deathly pallor, but 'twas not to be.

Also, I think the blonde hair is a mistake.

Here are some more shots of what the UK Daily Mail calls her "washer woman chic," although I think "Rosie the Riveter on Junk" is more like it:


(image via the uk daily mail)


(image via the uk daily mail)

Our Lady Of The Chillums

(photo via evil beet)

Hee hee! According to TMZ, the cops who arrested Mischa Barton found weed and mystery pills in her car:

A West Hollywood police source tells TMZ that when she was arrested, Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car -- in an unlabeled bottle...

Barton was popped at 2:45 AM Thursday in West Hollywood. Cops pulled her over after they witnessed her "straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn."

The funny thing to me is that TMZ's headline for this story is "Mischa Barton's Idea of a Good Time--Pot and Pills?". Isn't that almost everyone's "idea of a good time"? In Hollywood, it practically makes her a nun!

Developing.

Update: Winehouse Out of Jailhouse Now

Amy Winehouse has been released from jail on bail. Did she have the bail money hidden in her 'hive? I fervently hope so!

Developing!

Winehouse In The Jailhouse Now

Why do I get the feeling that this can only end in tears? From TMZ:

Singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of "perverting the course of justice" -- the UK's version of interfering with a police investigation.

TMZ has confirmed that the arrest was made "by appointment" in London today.

Last month, Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, was arrested for the same thing -- related to the case of an alleged assault on a bartender last June.

Well, at least she and her cad rent boy nogoodnik husband can be together, sort of. Since this is England and not Brazil, they'll most likely be in sex-segregated areas of the jail.

Poor Amy. What more can her frighteningly frail lil' body/psyche take? And most importantly, how will this affect the Grammy's? If they get "very special guest" Gwen Stefani to sing "Rehab" in her place I will have no choice but to stab myself in the eye with a fork in protest.

Developing...

From Winehouse To The Big House?

Oh, boy. Amy Winehouse's cad nogoodnik rent-boy husband Blake Fielder-Civil was dragged off in a paddy wagon in London, after police investigated him for allegedly scheming to pay off a witness in his upcoming assault trial--which I didn't even know about!--last night. From the
UK Mirror:

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sensationally arrested in front of her last night over a claimed £200,000 plot to fix a trial.

As eight plain-clothed officers manacled Fielder-Civil and led him off to cells, the tearful jazz diva begged hysterically: "I want to go with him."

Then she stood on tiptoe, threw her arms around his neck, hugged and kissed him and repeatedly said: "Baby, I love you. Baby, I'll be fine." Finally, weeping and hyperventilating Amy, 24, ran out of the flat and shouted to Fielder-Civil in the courtyard below: "I'll be fine. Baby, I love."

Fielder-Civil managed to shout back "I love you" before being bundled into an unmarked people carrier.

The dramatic arrest at a flat in Bow, East London, came hours after 10 police officers used a battering ram to smash down the front door of the couple's home in Camden, North London.

Last night Amy's mother-in-law Georgette said: "She's totally distraught and too upset to talk."

Earlier detectives had been tipped off by the Mirror to an astonishing alleged plot to halt a trial in which Fielder-Civil and pal Michael Brown are accused of assaulting a barman causing GBH with intent. It is claimed £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.

He would also be flown out of the country before the hearing in the hope that the case against Fielder-Civil, 25, and Brown - due on on Monday - would eventually collapse.

As part of our investigation King, who needed metal plates fitted in his face, was filmed withdrawing his allegations about the assault.

Amy was not filmed at meetings observed by the Mirror and there is no evidence to suggest she was involved in the alleged plot.

And I think I have too much drama in my life! Ha! Amy Winehouse has more drama in one strand of her beehive wig than I do in my entire personal history since the day I was born! It is totally insane! And why do I have the feeling that just possibly that £200,000 did not come from her husband's personal piggy bank?

Developing....

Blondes Have Less Fun

Dear god, this Halloween just gets weirder and crazier and more vomitous! Now I hear tell that two of my fellow Texans, tears-of-a-clown Owen Wilson and...oh, I don't even want to type this!....sweet baby Jesus in the manger, please guide my hand! aaaaaaaaah!.....sigh....here goes...OK....deep breath...just spit it out!....JESSICA SIMPSON may possibly have gone on what might, in certain circles, be called a "date." From Ben Widdicomb's NY Daily News column:

Jessica Simpson sure makes a great anti-depressant.

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine.

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.

"He couldn't keep his hands off her," a witness tells the mag.

Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

I never in a million years thought I'd say this, but DAMN YOU, WILLIE NELSON! GODDAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Owen, dear, I know you're illin' and all, and I also know that sometimes it might seem like a little nookie with a developmentally-disabled blonde big-boobed bimbo with daddy issues is just what the doctor ordered, because, hey, we've all been there, right? BUT IF YOU END UP IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESSICA SIMPSON I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF. And who would believe it wasn't a suicide, eh? Mwah ha hah! The perfect crime! Consider yourself warned...THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Ewww. Get a load of these gams:


(images via the UK Daily Mail)

These shriveled ancient bones belong to none other than supermodel Kate Moss! Sorry, Shakespeare, but apparently age--and massive amounts of drugs--can wither her, and custom sure as hell can stale her infinite variety!



It's a shame, really, because although she seems borderline retarded, I always did find her amazingly beautiful and comfortingly cheeky. Now she's just (yet another) creepy cadaver with bangs.

She Blinded Me With The...

FELT UP BLIND ITEM GUESSING GAME!

Here are some pretty juicy "blind items" from Page Six, which is "Just Asking":

WHICH Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers . . . WHICH singer keeps her slender frame so thin the old-fashioned way? Seems a "major eating disorder" helps keep her midriff worth baring.

OK. Your humble Felt Up blogette hopes that the "Hollywood trio of friends" does not refer to the actor whose name rhymes with Pen Killer (cheating on wife with hookers?), Bowen Schmilson (smack?), and Creve Stewgan (crack?), but she has run out of ideas. Heard any rumors that make more sense, readers?

As to the second item, I'm going to go with the singer whose name sounds a bit like Wren Blehblahni. She shows her midruff a lot and is all fashion-y and married to a gay man and whatnot, which is like a textbook recipe for an eating disorder. But if you have any other thoughts on this important matter, then by all means, leave 'em in the comment box!

Amy Winehouse's Goddamn Nogoodnik Cad Rent Boy Husband Is Ruining Her Life AND MINE!

(Consider this seriously-in-need-of-a-wax-and/or-antibiotics crotch shot as your Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day, btw! And it's via jezebel.com)

US Weekly is reporting that Amy Winehouse has cancelled her scheduled appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards:

After canceling her North American tour, a representative for Amy Winehouse tells Usmagazine.com that she will not be performing at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sept. 9.

Universal Republic Records tells Us, "In a continued effort to support Amy Winehouse's well being, in addition to the postponement of her U.S. tour, all other U.S. appearances have been canceled."

Winehouse has been on a downward spiral that began with a collapse on Aug. 8. Since then, she has canceled her remaining tour dates for the year and had a well-publicized domestic disagreement with husband Blake Fielder-Civil. She and Fielder-Civil are currently vacationing in the Caribbean.

ARGH! According to my Entertainment Weekly, she was rumored to be planning a duet with Cee-Lo from Gnarls Barkley on the classic Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell Motown hit "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Sigh! Apparently there may not be a mountain but there is a husband high enough to keep her away from me!

Steve Coogan: Killer of Stallions?

Well, the Owen Wilson suicide attempt has taken a bizarre turn, as nutty nutball Courtney Love has been flapping her gums to the press that British comedian Steve Coogan (who starred in 24 Hour Party People) is to blame for Wilson's drug problems. From The NY Post:

Funnyman actor Owen Wilson was hooked on heroin and cocaine, struggling with depression and hanging out with the wrong crowd in the months before his attempted suicide, according to a bombshell new report.

Wilson's drug use was so frequent, it was even the cause of his Memorial Day breakup with Kate Hudson.

And his friends are placing the blame squarely on Wilson's newfound best buddy, British actor Steve Coogan, with whom he starred in several films, according to exclusive interviews in US Weekly magazine.

"I went through it with Steve," Coogan's former girlfriend, rocker Courtney Love, told US.

"I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends. I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy."

Wilson's addiction was so severe, his pal Woody Harrelson tried to stage an intervention at his home in Maui.

"Owen went to Maui, Hawaii, to kick his habit," a longtime Wilson pal told the mag. "He was like a baby on that couch."

The friend said that heroin was the first thing that came to mind when Wilson and Hudson split and he suddenly "disappeared off the face of the earth."

"I thought, briefly, he might be back on heroin, but we all really felt he'd kicked that ages ago," his friend said.

Loyal Felt Up readers may remember that way back in 2005, Miss Courtney Love announced to the world that she was pregnant with Steve Coogan's lovechild, and nothing much every came of that story, plus she's a whack job, so I must say that I take her claims with a grain of salt.

Unless she is some kind of tragic Boy Who Cried Wolf-esque heroine whose warnings to the world about the manifold dangers of Steve Coogan have fallen on deaf ears...oh, I don't know what to think anymore! Nothing makes sense! White is black! Up is down! Steve Coogan is the Anti-Christ! Courtney Love is a Cassandra! The Butterscotch Stallion is a depressed suicidal junkie!



Steve Coogan: THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA?

Somebody somewhere needs to figure out what is going on. And I hope that someone is Owen's hunky older brother Andrew Wilson, and that he realizes just how much he needs some close, personal, one-on-one help from a certain blogette in Texas who knows how to soothe a fevered brow...I'M HERE FOR YOU, WILSON BROTHERS! RIGHT HERE IN AUSTIN, THE PERFECT RETREAT FROM THE CRAZINESS OF HOLLYWOOD! STEVE COOGAN AND COURTNEY LOVE WILL NEVER FIND YOU HERE, IN MY BOUDOIR! NEVER!