I Did Not Go There Thinking, “I’m Going to Punch Daisy in the Head.”

There are lots of post-"Rock of Love 2" interviews and blog reports about The Daisy/Heather Clash of the Tit-ans floating around right now, including this one (sent in by Friend of Felt Up Terri R.) on VH1 with Heather, featuring the insanely awesome quote in today's headline. It is a total delight from start to finish--apparently, Heather knows some dark secrets about Daisy that she won't blab about in public, unfortunately--but the bestest part of all is that she refers more than once to the NEW SHOW she is filming right now for VH1! Huzzah! A reason to live!

If you would like to get Daisy's perspective on The Fight, you can read her interview, too, the best part of which is this touching memory:

What did Bret say after?

”Well, you looked hot.” I was like, “OK, thanks Bret.” He’s sort of just an innocent guy, you know?

Oh, we know, Daisy. We know. Another great quote from Daisy:

The only thing I could think about was, please don’t ruin my hair.

Speaking of hair, Friend of Felt Up Joe E. pointed out this grrrrrrreat interview with Bret on CNN, in which Bret actually totally goes there:

Q: What are you hiding under that bandanna?

MICHAELS: My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without it on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, "Put your bandanna back on. It is your image." It is my signature thing.

Sir, I owe you an apology. In a previous post I mentioned the "finest Malaysian weavemasters," but I was off by a whole continent. I know when I've made a mistake and am man enough to own up to it. And Bret, I am impressed that you have the (padded) balls to tell the world the truth about your tresses. It really does set you free, I think we can both agree on that.

Then we have a great blow-by-blow account of the reunion by sometime Jezebel Pot Psychology contributor, Rich Juzwiak, who talks candidly about the girls' collective crankiness from hunger and lack of nicotine infusions, Bret not appreciating host Riki Rachtman twice calling Bret a "likable pig," and the fact that the producers made Frenchie go put on a bra because her dress was too x-rated for cable tv (as was the lap dance she gave Bret, which was re-shot and highly edited). There are many, many wonderfully candid photos, too, so real "Rock of Love" affiaciados should hurry on over and take a look-see.

The saddest part about the reunion (besides the fact that Frenchie had to put a bra on, of course) was that Bret and Ambre seemed like they might really possibly like each other (at least enough to do it on his tour bus since the show ended), so that leaves "Rock of Love 3" up in the air. Although I am still working on my internet petition to make CC Deville the next eligible bachelor...If we all band together and get some catchy slogans going, I think we can force VH1's hand. WE'RE HERE, HE'S GOT NO CAREER, GET USED TO IT!

Daisy Speaks!

Run, do not walk, over to this insanely awesome post-"Rock of Love 2" finale interview with Daisy "Horseface Killah" De la Hoya! Here are some highlights:

1. She loves to read and write! Her least-surprising favorite books? Dirt by Motley Crue and Jenna Jameson's autobiography. Most surprising? Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf? by Edward Albee (which is technically a play and movie and not a book, but whatever)!

2. Bret's kissing is "very sensual, very passionate, that's one thing I love about Brett, he's very passionate. Soft and tender."

3. She bought at least one of her elimination dresses at Forever 21.

4. She is working on a book with Neil Strauss, who not only co-wrote the Motley Crue book, but also wrote The Game, about Mystery from "The Pick Up Artist"!!! The book will be a blow-by-blow account of each and every episode of "Rock of Love 2" which--and I'm sorry for the spoiler, but too bad--apparently included a "lot of standing around."

5. On the Wig Question:

He does have perfect hair. I think Bret's hair is awesome, as far as any rumor, I'll say no comment and you'll have to talk to him about that. I'll just say that his blonde hair goes perfectly with his blue eyes.

Not mentioned at all: Seraphim Shock or Marilyn Manwich!

A Price Above Boobies

Well, I was going to say a quiet requiem mass for the demise of "Rock of Love 2," but apparently it ain't over until the fat lady sings or the blonde stripper yanks a weave out of another stripper's head, whichever comes first. Check out this clip from next week's reunion show:



Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in!

OK. Let's get thee to a recappery!



**WARNING!**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**SPOILERS THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU PUKE!**

Previously on "Rock of Love 2," Destiney was eliminated by reason of lack of insanity and Bret's final skanktestants were Daisy, her breasts, and Ambre.

Bret announces that they are all to be whisked off on a private jet to Cancun, Mexico, for a romantic three-person vacation. They arrive at a swanky hotel and are greeted by traditional Mayan dancers. Daisy looks confused, as do her boobs.

The girls go up the room they are sharing, which is kind of small, although there is a bed out on the balcony. A kind and thoughtful p.r. firm has left them gifts--a bunch of teensy tiny t-shirts and crappy hats to wear. They both pretend they are from Bret and squeal with so much delight that it makes me kind of sad.

They join Bret for dinner. Daisy whips out a list of questions she has written down that she wants to ask Bret. Daisy can write! Sentences! Or, at least, sentence fragments. Or someone else has written them for her. Which means she can at least read! Or she has memorized it all. Which means she can memorize! Well, maybe. Anyway, her main question is she wonders if her connection to Bret is merely a physical one, or if it might also have a deep, meaningful, intellectual component. Bret replies, "Uh, mainly physical." She tells Bret that she doesn't mean to use her sexuality on purpose, because as we all know, poor Daisy just woke up one fateful morning to find that God had bestowed upon her ginormous breast implants, trout lips, fake eyelashes and a complete wardrobe of stripper outfits and whore shoes. To not use these holy gifts would be an affrontery to the Lord, right?

Ambre wants to know what Bret thinks she "brings to the table" besides brownies, mom jeans, and 6 extra years that she forgot to mention. Bret thinks Ambre wants to win at all costs, which doesn't sound like a compliment, but with Bret you can never tell. Daisy and Bret both think Ambre is a jenny-come-lately to the whole rock skank lifestyle, and Ambre says that while yes, it's true that Bret is the first member of Poison she's ever dated (which is more than Daisy can say!), and yes, her previous beau was a Little League coach who liked to wear a "World's Greatest Cook" apron over his pleated shorts while he grilled in the backyard with the neighbors, she is now certain that a talentless balding, bewigged former rock star from the '80s who stuffs socks into the crotch of his carefully-ripped jeans is exactly what she's been looking for all along.

Bret tells them that first Ambre will have an all-day date with him, and then Daisy will have her turn. Shudder.

The next morning as Ambre is getting ready for her date, she and Daisy naturally get into a huge fight over sexiness. Daisy has hurt feelings because Ambre played the "sexuality" card with Bret, ie, saying that Daisy has sexuality and is not afraid to use it on weak-minded prey like Bret. Well, der. What the hell else is Daisy supposed to use--her razor-sharp wit and jaunty banter? She can barely speak without using her hands! (Seriously, what is up with that? The way she gesticulates it is as though she is physically dragging each and every syllable out of her cerebellum with her hands. If her arms were cut off, I'm pretty sure she'd be a mute.) Then Daisy really goes for the jugular, accusing Ambre of being UNSEXY. There is no worse insult than can be hurled on this show. Really. It's the "n-word" of "Rock of Love." Of course Ambre gets all riled up at this terrible slur and demands to know how, besides her complete lack of body fat, her scary/perky/intense personality, and soccer mom looks, she is not sexy. It quickly becomes like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas: "Am I clown to you? Do I amuse you? How am I so un-sexy? HOW AM I SO EFFING UN-SEXY?" So Daisy calmly explains that Ambre is a hunch-backed old crone who wears granny panties, and then proceeds to get up and rather cruelly imitate her hunchy posture while walking. Ambre, like the good suburban housewife she is, just sees this whole scene as one of life's lemons that has been handed to her, and she is determined to make lemonade out of it. Hot, sticky, sexy lemonade!

She arrives at the date with Bret, which takes place at what appears to be a Disneyland version of a Mayan temple in the jungle. Bret says he knows Ambre enjoyes "adventures," so they are going to have one and then get spa treatments. Their "adventure" consists of walking down a path and touching some giant moths. Dude, they could totally have an adventure like that at my house, for free. Then they get massages on tables set in the water and I start to get violently jealous because it really does look like a beautiful setting with a waterfall and greenery and discreet Mexican masseurs. And I remain very covetous until the precise moment when Ambre takes it upon herself to "step up her game" and straddle Bret's midsection while he lays on his stomach on the massage table. He's greased up like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Much like a pus-filled blister, a really long makeout party then erupts, but it's far more revolting. (The viewing party finally figured out what makes Bret's makeout sessions with Ambre particularly nauseating and it's that she kisses exactly like he does, leading with her lips, like a dead fish. That's why he thinks she's "by far the best kisser" he's ever encountered! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.)



They eat lunch and Bret talks about the fact that in the past he has dated people more in the Daisy vein, ie, young, cheap, and retarded, but Ambre goes into full-on selling mode. She knows her ABC's--Always Be Closing. She sounds like an HerbaLife or Mary Kay rep or something, with her eyes bulging out and her over-the-top perkiness that makes me want to lie down. She is in such a great place in her life! She knows exactly what she wants! She has so much to bring to this infamous table! Bret worries once again that she won't be able to handle his "rock-n-roll lifestyle." Oh, Bret. Anyone who has attended an oldies show in between riding the Tilt-a-Whirl and eating a corndog can handle your "rock-n-roll lifestyle."



After the day portion of the their date is over, they head back to the hotel to take an hour-long break and get ready for the (boom-whacka-whacka-boom-boom) evening portion. While Bret adjourns to his suite to festoon his wig with his formal doo-rag and put on his best bedazzled Affliction™ evening t-shirt, Ambre goes back to her room, where she finds a sulky, pouting Daisy. Daisy wants to know what they, like, did, on like, their date, and Ambre is still pissed about the "u-word" incident so she refuses to answer and they get into another tiff and Ambre calls Daisy a "hateful bitch." Daisy is disgusted with what she repeatedly calls Ambre's "white picket fence" lifestyle, by which she means not having become a stripper in order to support Marilyn Manwich, their terrible goth band, her boob job, and her lip implants. (I think now is as good a time as any to relay the fact that Friend of Felt Up Skinny J., who coined the name "Marilyn Manwich," also came up with Daisy's new nickname, "Horseface Killah." Well-played, Skinny J. Well-played, indeed.)

Ambre, trying and failing not to appear hunchy as she clomps her way to dinner in a very short and extremely unflattering minidress, dazzles Bret with her mom-ish sexuality. He tells her she looks "smokin' hot," which, in the universe of "Rock of Love" is akin to winning the Nobel Peace Prize, but skankier. Bret hands Ambre a box containing another thoughtful gift from yet another generous, gracious p.r firm hawking products for a client. This particular client appears to manufacture hideous charm necklaces. Ambre tries valiantly to believe that Bret actually went out and picked this just for her.

Ambre decides she needs to "turn up the heat," so she tells Bret that she's not wearing any underwear. And then it happens: THE GREATEST MOMENT IN TELEVISION HISTORY. Forget the "Daisy ad," Lucy getting pregnant with Little Ricky, the moonwalk, forget even last week's view of Bret's naked wig, because Bret actually asks if he "can see it." IT! He asks to see IT! ON TV! And Ambre just spreads those legs and lets him take a gander. AT IT! Then he asks to see IT again! And she shows IT to him, again! Let me tell you, we had to rewind that scene about ten times. I may never recover. I mean it. Anybody can see The Vagina Monologues, but "Rock of Love" goes one better and gives you The Vagina Dialogues. I wonder if IT has a wee white picket fence for a festive and ironic touch...

They go up to Bret's suite and totally do it.

The next morning Ambre has her walk of shame back to her room. Daisy is getting ready for her date with Bret and acting like a baby. What a shock!

Daisy and Bret go on their date, and this time it's a fishing trip on a big boat. Everything is going pretty well--they re-enact the "I'm the king of the world!" scene from Titanic at the front of the boat (I wish I was kidding)--and then suddenly it all goes awry. Daisy's equilibrium, which is no doubt already under duress from the unnatural extra ballast of those fake boobs, gets disturbed, and she turns green and feels pukey. And then pukes. Bret calls off the fishing expedition and turns the boat around. You can tell he feels extra-specially chivalrous for giving up his fishin' time for a chick. He rubs ice on her belly and for some reason this makes me want to hurl. When they get back to dry land they make out. I'm guessing that with all his years on the road Bret has developed quite a refined palate and can tell a lot about a girl from the way her puke tastes in his mouth: "Hmmm...it's piquant, but not overbearing. The chunks are a little on the mealy side, but the pear overtones and faint oakiness provide a nice mellow contrast. This one might be a keeper."



They go back to the hotel for dinner and Bret gives Daisy the identical horrible necklace that he gave Ambre. They talk about Daisy having a lot of love, and diseases, to give Bret, and that she's not from that "white picket fence" background that she won't shut up about. They make out for a bit and blibberty blahberty for a while and then make out some more.

They go up to Bret's suite and totally do it.



The next morning Daisy has her walk of shame back to her room. Where Ambre is sitting around doing nothing. The world of this show is so bizarre! They have both had sex with the same dude in the past 48 hours and have to sleep in the same tiny room in Mexico and make small talk with each other! Needless to say, it's a bit awkward.

Bret has a lot of thoughts to think, and so we must endure a montage of him walking on the beach while one of the incredibly terrible songs from his horrible new album plays horrifically in the background. What a conundrum! On the one hand, Daisy is young, "hot," and embraces his celebrated and hilariously overstated "rock-n-roll lifestyle," ie, she's a skank. On the other hand, Ambre is within a decade of his age, stable, determined, and showed IT to him on national television.

Finally it is elimination time. Bret shows up wearing his formal wig, evening bandanna, and a sharkskin silver suit which is ne flatter pas to his groinal region. He goes into all the usual pros and cons of each girl--he and Daisy have an "intense physical connection" and she's a rocker and blah blah blah, while Ambre is smart and beautiful, but perhaps not rock-n-roll enough to handle bagging up the leftover fruit trays after an evening of playing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for the 9,000,000th time at the pre-game show for the Cedar Rapids Kernels baseball team. Bret is looking not just for his Rock of Lust, or his Rock of Like, but his Rock of Love. Also, perhaps, his Rock of Cocaine.

The whole time he's gibberty gabbertying about this crap, Daisy and Ambre are convulsing, pouring sweat, and truly appear on the verge of fainting. They are either really nervous or they are suffering from a particularly virulent strain of Montezuma's Revenge. Either way, they are not exactly taking me to Erection Cove, let me tell you. But then, I'm not Bret Michaels.



He calls down Daisy. Is she the "winner"? Does she get to be his fake girlfriend? Is Horseface Killah his Rock of Love? NO! It's a classic fake-out! Her tour ends here. Daisy, and the world, is in total shock. I don't think her brain stem can handle this much stimuli. Bret interviews that as much as he cares for her, Bret worries that Daisy needs him more than she wants him. Which means that Heather's devious plan (to plant the seed of doubt in Bret's mind that Daisy was mainly looking for a sugar-daddy to cough up major cash to pay off her debts) totally worked! I consider this not just a failure for Daisy but a huge triumph for Heather and her evil stripper schemes! Huzzah!



So, in a move carefully calculated by his ever-dwindling "people" to increase sales of his new cd in the highly coveted 39-54 year-old suburban haus frau market, Bret has crowned Ambre his Rock of Lust, Like, And Love.



And scene.

Normally I'd be all sad and shit, but not this time! No, the promise of seeing Heather grab Daisy's weave off its tracks and pounding her to pulp has me giddy as a school girl in a short, slutty uniform. Yippee! It will not be until the reunion show is over that my whole world will crumble and I'll have to take to my bed. But until then, it ain't nothin' but a good time!

Triumph of the Wig

And then there were two. I know, it's hard to believe that we are already down to the final skanktestants on "Rock of Love 2," but like sand in the hourglass, so are the days of Bret's wig. Which we finally saw in all its lustrous, hand-sewn-by-master-Malaysian-weavemasters glory. But more on that later!


Rock-n-Roll! Whoo-hoo!

**WARNING!**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**ALL WILL BE REVEALED, LIKE BRET'S HEAD!**

Destiney, Ambre, and Daisy return from Las Vegas--older, wiser, and, though I would have once thought it impossible, even more haggard than when they left. They eat a lackluster breakfast slumped over like used-up dish rags in Bret's McMansion kitchen. A note arrives with some buckets and cleaning supplies--are they going to detox Daisy's face? Noooo, they have to clean the house for mystery guests about to arrive. The fact that these girls actually put the rubber gloves on and get a' scrubbin' speaks volumes about this season's crop of contenders compared to last season's--can you imagine what Heather's reaction would have been if she'd been handed a mop?

After some half-hearted toilet cleaning, the girls get their first visitor...and it's Ambre's daddy, Daddy. He's a beefy southern man who for some bizarre reason seems less than thrilled that his daughter has given up her Sunday school class and PTA cookie-baking duties to find fake love on a reality show with the singer of Poison. Ambre immediately gets a thick southern accent and suddenly sounds (and looks) like some long-lost bottle-blonde Sugarbaker sister from "Designing Women." Bret comes out to greet Daddy and OH MY GOD THE WIG IS UNADORNED! He is unburdened by doo-raggery, unfettered by straw headgear! Stripped bare, his wig lies on his head as naked as the day it was born, back in 1992. It is mesmerizing. Like the day man landed on the moon or Oswald was shot in Dallas, this is going down as one of tv history's greatest moments. A day that will live in wigfamy. One small step for a wig, one giant leap for wigkind! BEHOLD:


Ask not what your wig can do for you, but what you can do for your wig.

Bret tries to be all down-homey and macho and talk about barbecue and football with Ambre's father, but the wig is kind of making a mockery of any Red State just-folks normalcy that he's trying to achieve.

Daisy interviews that she hasn't seen her parents in years and doesn't have any family to speak of. Does this mean her tio Oscar de la Hoya may show up and save the day and bring candy and presents? No, it does not. She's afraid her lack of kinfolk will make her look like a freak to Bret (in case her face didn't already do the job, of course) and she is kind of killing my buzz.

Next comes Destiney's parents, and they are totally and completely insanely awesome. Her dad is wearing a rocker velvet jacket and has tattoos encircling his head (that unfortunately look a great deal like hair plugs) and no teeth whatsoever, and I feel really bad because when I first saw him I made a crack about him looking a bit like a rock-n-roll Blue from Old School, but then felt like a total dick because he eventually reveals that he's dying of liver cancer and only has a few months to live. He and Bret immediately bond over their mutual love of motorcycles, cross-themed formal wear, tattoos, and lack of hair follicles. It's all rather sweet and tragic at the same time and why is this show making me sad when it is supposed to be about nothin' but a good time? WHAT IS GOING ON THIS SEASON?

Finally we get to see who has come to represent for Daisy and though I fervently prayed to God in heaven that C.C. Deville would show up as surprise "twist" guest, the best the show can come up with is...Marilyn Manwich's older sister, Meryl Manwich. Yes, Daisy's ex-boyfriend's sister is the closest "relative" they could cough up and again, what a goddamn bummer this is turning out to be. SIGH!

Barbecue time comes, and Bret starts asking Ambre's dad about his kids, and then Daddy drops the bombshell that Ambre is 37 years-old and not the 31/32 she has claimed to Bret and to that ridiculous swami dude and everyone else on Earth. Oh. My. Gawd! Bret is stunned and shocked that he has been making out with someone who is within 7 years of his own age, albeit under false pretenses. He wonders if she's been lying about anything else. Well, if she has claimed to drive anything other than a Dodge Caravan, then yes, Bret, she has.

For some reason, Bret feels the need to take all the family members into a screening room to watch a Poison concert video. Everyone is a bit uncomfortable because even Meryl Manwich--who has had to endure years of her baby' brother's Seraphim Shock concerts--can tell that this is a very terrible band. Well, everyone except Bret, of course, and Destiney, who is moved by the awful music to jump around and gyrate and act the fool. The slutty, stripperish fool. You'd think Bret would be kinda turned on by these antics, but he's a bit embarrassed for her and worries that she's too much of a groupie to really be there for him when he's off the stage at Six Flags' Magic Mountain.

Daisy and Bret and Meryl go off to the Rainbow Room, the world-famous rock club in Hollywood. Daisy is so impressed with this dump that it makes me, yet again, sad. Which makes me angry. Bret presses Meryl for more information on the whole are-Daisy-and-Marilyn-still-having-sex thing blah blah blah, and Daisy says that Marilyn cheated on her and that her world is not black and white, but color. Bret, Meryl, the entire human race, and possibly Daisy herself are all deeply confused by this explanation.

Back at Skank Manor, Ambre's Daddy tries to talk sensibly with Destiney about her future, which is sweet and hilarious and nonsensical at the same time, sort of like watching him ask an emu if it enjoys being feathered and would it mind if he put a wee beret on its head? Daddy asks her what happens if she gets picked by Bret and Destiney stares back uncomprehendingly, and he asks what would she be doing in six months, and she's all, "acting, doing music videos, being on tv shows, bartending, and hosting" and I think I can safely say that those last two are the only actual things she will be doing in six months, regardless of whether or not she is Bret's Rock of Love.

Meryl Manwich is trying to convince Bret that Daisy is being truthful about her relationship with her brother Marilyn. I think. It's kind of hard to figure out their convoluted soul-searching conversation. He still thinks Daisy is hiding something, but he wants to trust Meryl's "truthful eyes" and Daisy's "enormous fake boobs."

For his date with Destiney (ha ha!) and her parents, Bret has arranged for a motorcycle ride, which is a very kind thing, as Destiney's dad had to sell his motorcycle when Destiney was born. There are some nice scenes of the dad and mom on one bike and Bret and Destiney on his hideous yellow-checkered-cab-themed hog, riding around town and having a great time. Just when you start to think, "This show is kind of touching and these girls aren't so bad after all," they pull up at a tattoo parlor in a strip mall so that Destiney can get the "Rock of Love 2" logo tattooed on her neck for all eternity. First of all, Heather already did this and did it 1000% awesomer, because she went insane and had Bret's name tattooed, beyotch! Hells to the crazy! Secondly, skank+ neck tattoo+"Rock of Love"=Kiss of death. And speaking of death, this is how you want to spend your precious remaining time with your father?



Bret actually has the nerve to get pissy because she is not so batshit nuts as to put the words "Rock of Love 2" in the tattoo! He thinks Heather was more "committed," but look how that worked out for her, Bret! Jeez Louise, man. Let this girl salvage some teensy shred of dignity! Wait, wait--what am I saying? It would have been way better tv to see Destiney get "Rock of Love 2: Electric Skankaloo" etched into her skin forever!

Then it's time for Bret's date with Ambre and Daddy. They go to a sushi restaurant, even though Daddy clearly would rather eat Bret's wig. Immediately the Age Issue is brought up by Bret, and Ambre is shocked--shocked!--to learn that she lied to Bret about being 37 and not 31. The way she talks during her interview, it's like she has just found out that she was in a coma and said crazy things while unconscious. She explains to Bret that she constantly lies about her age due to her super-successful career in "show business," and basically says she is so used to lying about it that "31" just popped out of her mouth without her even thinking about it! It could happen to anyone! She interviews that she is terrified this will undo all her work at gaining Bret's trust, and she's crying and near-hysterical that she has blown it. She tells Bret she has fallen in love with him. I, on the other hand, have fallen in love with the piece of ahi tuna her dad is trying to gag down while all this drama swirls around him. Why am I suddenly reminded of Inna ?



When the various family and sort-of-not-really-family members get ready to leave, Ambre's dad hopes, awesomely, that Ambre can do "better than Bret Michaels," which is HILARIOUS, Meryl Manwhich calls her brother "Chuck" which I'm sure sent paroxyisms of embarrassment through Seraphim Shock HQ (ie, Daisy's apartment in Denver), and Destiney's parents were warm, likable, genuine, and, naturally, doomed.

When the skanktestants are alone again, Ambre decides to ask Destiney about her level of love for Bret. Is she one gazillion percent, truly, madly, deeply, fairytale storybook in looooooooove with Bret like Ambre and Daisy are? Destiney, showing hitherto unseen reserves of sanity and reason, says, "well, no, actually, I barely know the dude." She continues that yes, she is THERE for Bret and OPEN to loving him, etc etc, but she can't give her heart entirely to someone who might not love her back. And for this she will be BURNED AT THE STAKE. For clearly only an evil witch with hands soiled by the blackest magic would proclaim that she would not lay down her very soul for a 44-year-old has-been rocker in a wig! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! KILL! KILL!

Elimination time. Before you can say "hairweave for men," Ambre and Daisy have set up the pyre, tied Destiney to a post, and lit the match. They tell Bret that Destiney knowingly and with malice aforethought did admit to the greatest crime on reality competition dating shows: That she is not 100% in lurve with Bret. Bret's hands are tied. He knows the rules, man. He tosses the match and Destiney meets her destiny. Bret is sad.


Whassa goin' on, Bret?

(What's really sad is that her sweet dad, who predicted that he would only live until March, is proven true by the tribute/coda at the end of the show.)

But let's not let these tragic events get us down! Next week it's PARTY TIME IN CANCUN!


The final 2! Plus Ambre!

Between The Hard Rock and A Hard Place

Whassa goin' on, skanks? It's time once again for your "Rock of Love" recap! Oh, my, this was quite an episode. But first, I have some unfinished business to take care of from last week. I finally found a picture of The Smelling Sandwich! Here you go:



OK, I feel much better. Now let's get right into Episode 10: Attack of the Clones, shall we?

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

**WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS**

**STAYS IN MY RECAP AS A SPOILER!**

This week the skantestants--plus Heather! huzzah!--are whisked away from Sloot Manor in an ultra-classy stretch Hummer that takes them to Bret Michaels' personal, private totally-rented-by-VH1 Lear jet, which is flying them all to Las Vegas, yay!


Bret still foolishly believes they're going to have nothin' but a good time.

There are some misty eyes out in the audience as they replay a very moving montage from last season's ill-fated Vegas jaunt...who can keep a dry eye when re-watching Lacey collapse on the bar in a drunken stupor or Brandi M. spew vomit into her napkin like a whale spouting water out of its blowhole? Who among us is made of stone? Who, I ask?

Poor Bret has high hopes that this trip to Sin City will be a rawkin' good time, but, alas, he is sadly mistaken. It all begins cheerily enough, with the gang's arrival at--where else?--the Hard Rock Hotel. The ladies get a ginormous suite all to themselves, plus there's a bunch of hideous gifts that Bret has bought for them waiting on a table--all manner of pink cowboy hats, Hot Topic grab bags, and all the doo-rags a girl could ever dream of. There's also a note from Bret indicating that Jessica The Innocent and Destiney, Destiney, No Escaping, Not For Me are to put on what I misheard as "goth" outfits and meet him for a round of golf, while Ambre The Soccer Mom and Daisy de la Trout-a would be having dinner with Bret later. I didn't even blink an eye at the "goth" reference--of course it turned out to be "golf outfits," but it's pretty funny that it made sense within the realm of this show that Bret might have wanted them to play goth golf.

Jessica is totally psyched because she played varsity golf in high school ("varsity"? did she go to Gerald Ford High or something?), while Destiney has never played before. Heather, being enchantingly, delightfully evil, gives the two girls an '8os makeover, ratting out their hair and giving them giant side ponytails and whatnot. Sadly for Heather (and us) Bret sees their new look and is kinda turned on by this visual walk down memory lane. (I like to imagine that sometimes late at night he is visited by the Ghosts of Groupies Past, like an '80s hair band version of Scrooge in A Christmas Carol.)


You are my Density!

Back at the Hard Rock, Heather is continuing her mission of destroying all the contestants' lives, bless her. She asks Daisy and Ambre if they've done it with Bret, and Daisy says, "Yeah, like 500 times!" I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or trying to one-up Heather, but either way, biiiiig mistake, because much like a tiger in a zoo, everyone knows that YOU DO NOT TAUNT THE HEATHER! Ambre has to tell the truth, that she has only, like the rest of the known free world, made-out with Bret in a totally disgusting manner. Daisy interviews, rather unkindly, that she can't imagine Ambre and her "granny panties" doing it with Bret. Well, neither can I, but then I can't imagine anyone doing it with Bret or I might vomit myself to death. And hey, soccer moms can have thongs too! Right under their elastic-waist Lee Mom Jeans™ ! Actually, I bet that would kinda be a turn-on to ole Bret...

Daisy and Heather have some girl talk, and Heather gets Daisy to admit that she doesn't think she has any real competition left, that Bret's doo rag is practically in the bag. Then Heather writes all this down in her slam book and calls Ambre in and shows it to her, so Ambre spills her darkest suspicions--that Daisy is a gold-digger who is trying to find a be-wigged cash cow to get her out of boob job, lip injection, and live-in ex-boyfriend debt. (I must take a moment here to send heartfelt kudos to Friend of Felt Up Skinny J., who hails from Daisy's hometown of Denver, for coining the new nickname "Marilyn Manwich" for Daisy's gothy douche ex-boyfriend. Well-played!) Heather is beside herself with glee and surreptitiously snatches a hair from one of Daisy's extensions to make a hightly effective black magic voodoo doll in order to make Daisy's life a living hell. Oh, Heather. You are a precious gift!

Heather wants Ambre to promise that she'll bring up all this Daisy-in-debt stuff with Bret at their dinner date, and Ambre agrees, because she is now a zombie under Heather's santeria spell! Heather cackles and rubs her claws together in delight, puts some eye of newt into her cocktail, and then mentions that Bret thinks with his penis, which I really wish she hadn't said, because, while true, it is the stuff of horrific nightmares. I keep seeing a wee doo rag and miniature cowboy hat and...well, you get the picture. The terrible, terrible picture.

At the golf course, Jessica shows Bret that she's not just an innocent who can't hold her liquor, she's an innocent who can't hold her liquor who can golf. Destiney can't play golf to save her life, but being no idiot, she, like the song says, accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative by using the golf course as her own personal gynecologist's office, bending over and showing off her nether regions to Bret whenever she gets the chance. Which is often. She gives a whole new meaning to "a hole in one." Jessica tries valiantly to slut it up by making out with Bret constantly, but it feels a bit forced. Bret actually says that this golf course is the kind of place where you can "make love" late at night. I had no idea that Bret writes scripts for Lifetime mini-series!

There's some tension between Daisy and Destiney when the skanks meet up at the hotel room, but then Destiney and Ambre are off for their dinner with Bret. Right off the bat, Bret starts in on Daisy and her relationship with Marilyn Manwich. Daisy reveals the surprising news that Seraphim Shock, her ex's awfully bad band, is not bringing in the bacon and he is not otherwise employed, so she is supporting him. She brings up for the millionth time this lease they signed which is quite unusual in that it is a residential lease on an apartment that lasts approximately 10 years.



Bret suspects that Daisy is leaving some important aspect out of the story, and even though for some strange reason she seems like she'd rather not talk about it on national television, she finally admits that she aborted Marilyn's baby 'wich, and that he was supportive of her through this ordeal and that's why she's still loyal to him. (I saw this coming a mile away, by the way, as soon as she said they'd been through "some crazy-ass shit" together. That is Skank for "abortion," I checked my dictionary.) Of course if they broke up 2 years earlier as she claimed, why are they still so co-dependent? Would Damone have stayed with Stacey in Fast Times for two years? I don't think so.

Ambre sees her chance and breaks into the sobfest to do Heather's dirty work. Ambre wonders how Daisy can afford to support her ex-boyfriend and pay off her enormous debt for her enormous boobs and various other body enhancements, which leads to the shocking--SHOCKING--confession that Daisy is a stripper. Who would've believed it? I totally thought she was a physics professor or read to the blind or something.

Ambre actually thinks that her not being a stripper will be more appealing to Bret! Oh, poor, deluded Ambre.

In the hotel room, Heather keeps stirrin' up the shit by telling the others that Daisy thinks Bret has already chosen her and that she's done it with him 500 times. This news sends Destiney into a fit, and she flings herself upon the pool table that is set up in the suite. She kind of flails around and makes piggy noises. It's not a flattering look for her, but it is pure entertainment for the rest of the known universe. Then we get an awesome quote from Jessica, who says that when Daisy comes back to the room, "it's going to be on like Donkey Kong." You may be a "young soul," Jessica, but sometimes you are very wise.

The second Daisy and Ambre return, Destiney is all up in Daisy's face and they're screaming at each other. Then Ambre gets in on the action and none of it makes any sense, but basically since Kristy Joe left they have to gang up on someone. This all reminds me of Blubber, by Miss Judy Blume, except without a fat girl and with less maturity; it also brings to mind Lord of the Flies, except without a fat boy and with less maturity. Jessica doesn't partake in the melee, because while she may be innocent, she's not retarded. Heather is enjoying watching her well-laid plans come to fruition. She's like Glenn Close playing her evil games in Dangerous Liasons, except without French people and with less maturity.

Daisy tries to leave and go into her room, but they follow her in there, thank god. Heather is damned if she'll let Daisy end up with her "friend," ie Bret, ie the love of her life, and Daisy rather unwisely responds by rolling her eyes at her. Nobody rolls their eyes at Heather! Them's fightin' gestures! Heather throws some kind of drink in Daisy's face! Huzzah! Sad for Daisy, awesome for us!

Just then Big John comes in to bring the skantestants up to Bret's even more ginormous suite for some rockin' good times! Bret, of course, has no idea about the bitchfest that has been going on. He tries to get them to let loose and party, but you can cut the tension with Heather's well-concealed knife. Bret sits them down for some gambling at his private in-room blackjack table, but in about two seconds the fight erupts again between Daisy and Destiney--blah blah living with boyfriend blahbitty blah two years no sex blah blah BLAH! Destiney throws a drink at Daisy and in so doing manages to knock over another glass onto the blackjack table and that is IT, Bret has had ENOUGH and calls in Big John to do...whatever it is Big John is supposed to do in these situations. Bret leaves in disgust! Whassa goin' on? Why must these crazy girls rain on Bret's wig?



Destiney interviews that she might have made a tactical error in losing her cool at Bret's private Las Vegas blackjack table. It's a pretty big deal. Kind of like peeing in the baptismal font in the Vatican--it's just not done.

So of course none of this is dramatic enough for Heather, who tells Daisy that she's "sucking" her way out of debt (hee hee!), and Daisy screams, through tears and sillicone and god knows what else, that her uncle is OSCAR DE LA HOYA, which of course we all already know, having internet stalked her weeks ago, and she says she could've totally gotten money from him if she was so desperate. (I'd love to hear that conversation: "Tio? Es Daisy Waisy! Yo quiero mucho dinero para mis nuevas ta-tas y mis labias gordas, y tambien para mi ex-novio, Senor Marilyn Manwich, porque el es un douchebag y el no trabaje. Gracias!" I realize Oscar de la Hoya is an American, but indulge me!) All this ruckus brings Bret out of his seclusion and he comes in to break up the fight and punish Daisy by taking her into his bedroom for some face time.



They have the exact same soul-searching conversation that they've had 10 gazillion times--is she there for him? does she still care for Manwich? is she there for the right reasons? etc etc. There are no real answers, but she leaves feeling better about things and goes back to her suite, where the haters are waitin' for some hatin' on her.

The next day Destiney is in a bit of a panic that her drunken behavior might send her home.

Heather comes in to talk with Bret and finalize her plan to eradicate all women on Earth who might compete with her for his love. And more power to her! I know I'm safe. She tells Bret that Ambre would be more comfortable in a Dodge Caravan than on his tour bus, that Jessica is too innocent and young to handle his rock-n-roll lifestyle (they all act like Bret's life is one long orgiastic Exile On Main Street tour, when really it's like three dates a year at Knott's Berry Farm, which I think Jessica could manage), and Destiney is too much of a rocker for his rock-n-roll lifestyle, somehow. Basically, they are not Heather and thus must be smote down. Smote, I say!

Then Bret totally breaks the world's heart and makes Heather leave! She's too much of a distraction! They talk about being great friends and blah blah blah, but it's pretty tragic. Don't go, Heather! Come back! COME BACK! (However, on the upside I did discover that there is unaired footage of Bret and Heather making out and rolling around on the bed right before she takes off! Check out the interview about it with Heather here!)

Bret sets up shop in the empty Hard Rock club (I believe the same one where he played during last season's infinitely more festive Las Vegas trip) so he can talk to Jessica about his many, many endless concerns about her innocence and lack of jaded whore freakiness that he feels is de rigeur for manning the merch booth while he's singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at the State Fair. Jessica tries to assuage his fears by saying she can be the unstable, cruel, bitch slut rock-n-roller he needs her to be! She can, she can, she can! She will be whatever she needs to be to win his heart! She will remake herself into any image that will get her victory! Jessica is the Hillary Clinton of "Rock of Love 2."

Then Bret calls in Daisy. He still feels like there are things she's keeping from him. And because he presses her, she finally reveals the single best secret ever kept on this or any other tv show in the history of man: SHE HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH BRET'S FELLOW POISON MEMBER C.C. DEVILLE! Yee-ha! Although she swears she only "befriended" C.C. and that it was never sexual, Bret is mighty disturbed. As well he should be. If the tv gods were kind and benelovent, they would have brought C.C. to Vegas right then and there and let the three of them hash it out for our viewing pleasure! (I looooove C.C. Deville! He sounds just like an olden-timey Borscht Belt comedian but with glam make-up and giant spiky blonde hair! He made the Poison "Behind The Music." He is a delight.) But, alas, 'twas not to be. They do not bring in C.C. to have a heart-to-heart-to-fake-boob confab. They tease us, but they do not please us.

Bret is, naturally, concerned about all this, but he also says he's "massively attracted" to her. Bret has the worst taste I have ever seen. Daisy looks like Hedwig and Alexis Arquette's lovechild, mixed with Janice the Muppet, but less pretty.

Daisy interviews that she's worried all this information may lead to her elimination. And then she acts like there are still MORE hidden, potentially-reality-show-ending secrets that she has not yet imparted! Is she Bret's long-lost daughter? Does she have a terminal disease? Was she (allegedly) raped by Rikki Rocket? WHAT ELSE COULD THERE BE?

At eliminations, Daisy seems to be having an epileptic fit of some kind. Seriously, she's crying, shaking, gurgling, and mewing all at the same time. But she need not worry, for she gets the first pass! Wow. Bret really, really likes the crazies. The crazies with the big fake boobs. Destiney starts crying, because she sees the writing on the wall, and it says, "I May Be Escaping My Destiney After All." Then Ambre gets called, which is not a big surprise, and now it's down to Jessica and Destiney.

He talks a bit about Jessica's Mother Teresa-like purity and "young soul," and then he discusses his fears that that Destiney might get in a fight with a fan and cause a potential lawsuit. (Really? Bret would be personally liable if his fake girlfriend attacked an overly-friendly groupie with a broken bottle? Who knew?) In the end, crazy potential legal liability wins out over sweetness and light, and Jessica is sent packing.


Jessie, we hardly knew ye.

If I feel like I just finished the Bataan Death March re-capping this thing, how must Bret Michaels feel? He LIVED it! Isn't this supposed to be fun? Oh, Bret. Please, I beg of you, just dump all three of these skanks on the final episode like that guy on "The Bachelor" and run off into the sunset with Heather! PLEASE!

Next week, Ambre's dad comes on the show. She's young enough to have a living parent? (That was mean, I'm sorry. I'm very depressed about Heather's exit from our lives!)

Knock Me Over With A Heather!

Whassa goin' on, skanks? It's time again for your "Rock of Love" recap, and oh, what an exciting episode we had last night--finally! I'm not going to beat around the bush, let's just jump into the good stuff, shall we?



**SPOILERS AHEAD**

**BIG, GINORMOUS, SILICONE-ENHANCED**

**SPOILERS!**

Bret Michaels decides the best way to find out juicy details about the contestants in his "house of lies" is to have their ex-boyfriends come on the show and talk about their relationships! (I would like to pause here and tip my hat to the genius who came up with this scheme! Kudos, sir or madam! Kudos!)

First in the door is Destiney's ex-husband, a rather dapper dude in a cap named Adam. (Did we already know that she had been married?) As soon as he sees his ex-wife he starts doing the scene from Young Frankenstein where Gene Wilder is having a nightmare and shrieks, "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping, not for me! Destiny! Destiny!" OK, that might have been me, not him. Then in comes the ex of Jessica The Innocent; his name is Casey and he has a stupid hat on. Megan The Mega Bitch's ex comes sauntering in wearing what we find out later is a t-shirt promoting "Swill," his bar in Chicago. Her ex-boyfriend is a bitch, too! The next guy in the door is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and looks like a dad from the suburbs, so naturally he's there for Ambre The Soccer Mom, although it turns out that he's just a friend of hers, because none of her exes would agree to come and talk trash about her on national television in order to promote a band/business. (Which raises Ambre's stature in my book!)

They have saved the best, or worst, for last, because the final ex to walk in is Charles, the douchiest douche who ever douched! He dated Daisy, Our Lady of the Speckled Trout Lips, and he is beyond belief. They are in a very terrible goth-lite band called Seraphim Shock in Las Vegas, and if you look up "Vegas gothpuss douche" in the dictionary, you will see a drawing of Charles. The dude is all pumped up like Glenn Danzig's douchey younger brother who works at Hot Topic, and is wearing black eyeliner, a wife-beater undershirt, and a hat with a "White Trash" patch sewn on it; he also has the world's worst dyed black chin pubes and straightened starchy black hair. He makes Pete Wentz look like Jimi Hendrix. He makes Christian Siriano look like Dick Cheney. He can barely utter a syllable! He is a grotesque! He is mesmerizing! Poor Daisy is having a nervous breakdown.


El Douche and Daisy.

AND FINALLY IT HAPPENS! What we've been waiting for lo these many weeks! Finally, dear God in heaven blessed us with this miracle! Glory, glory hallelujah, in comes HEATHER!!! And oh, she is a sight to behold, resplendent in newly-attached extensions, a dress cut down to her ladyparts, and a more refined elder-stateswoman stripper demeanor. Huzzah! Her job is to hang with the skanks and get them dizrunk so that they spill their guts and then she can run and blab it all to Bret. Double huzzah! Oh, Heather, you are the wind between my legs!


HEATHER!

The dudes all go off to a lame cigar bar, where only Bret actually wants to smoke cigars. Ambre's neighbor from the cul-de-sac has only nice things to say about his fellow PTA member, and Jessica The Innocent's ex says that she is, indeed, sweet-n-innocent. Megan The Megabitch's ex tells Bret that Megan is good times and also sort of a bitch. And is kind of a user. And has been on other reality shows before. Bret is shocked--SHOCKED--to hear that Megan might not really be there for him!

Back at Skank Manor, everyone does shots and gets into the teeniest bikinis this side of a 2 Live Crew video. Jessica The Innocent decides she has to show Heather that she is a cool and sophisticated rocker who is definitely NOT innocent and is really a dirty, filthy whore rolling around the muck in the gutter! She will show her this by getting out of her mind blotto drunk. Heather and Megan and Jessica get in the hot tub and talk trash about Destiney, whom they think is too much of a rock groupie to be good for Bret. Then eagle-eyed Heather demands to know why Megan seems familiar and she is forced to admit that she was on "Beauty and the Geek." A-ha! You can almost see the wheels turning in Heather's awesome evil mind!

Heather questions Destiney about her one-woman music appreciation society, and she mentions that not only does she love Poison, but also Motley Crue, AC/DC and Great White. Is Destiney the best-preserved 40-year-old on the planet or did she travel here in a time machine from the 1987 senior prom or what? I think I just fell in love with Destiney a little bit.

Pretty soon Heather has the girls drunk as skunks and doing nude cartwheels across the lawn. I hope Big John got a cheap thrill, at least.

Back at the stupid cigar bar, Bret learns from Destiney's ex-husband that she loooves to par-tay with rock stars. Bret is concerned that she might be a bit of a groupie. Then Bret asks Daisy's ex-boyfriend Douchey McMassengill if he and Daisy are still doing it, and though Douchey says "no," Bret doesn't quite believe him.

Meanwhile, back at the House of Lies, Megan the Megabitch bitchily tells Heather that Jessica, her supposed bestest buddy, is too innocent for the likes of Bret, and so of course Jessica, in an effort to prove her wrong, downs more shots and then weeps. Also weeping is Daisy, who is having some sort of Douche-related meltdown. When she can no longer bear the weight on her shoulders (or on her lips) she goes to Heather to confess the humongous secret that is tearing her up inside: SHE STILL LIVES WITH EL DOUCHE! Dun-dun-dun! However, it's not quite as dramatic as everyone on this entire show thinks it is, because she says--and I do believe her--that they are no longer boinking and they are just good friends. Perhaps it rings true because while I can indeed imagine there's no countries, no religion, no possessions, and all the people living life in peace, I cannot imagine wanting to do it with that douchebag. Ever.

So this goes on for a while. Heather is all, "Oh, no you didn't." And Daisy is all "blubberty blub blah blaaaaaah I signed a lease blah sputter I was in a bad situation before baa bah blurb." It's all rather confusing, but the bottom line is she's in trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Douche!

The dudes continue on their journey of discovery by heading to a Dave & Buster's in some mall. Oh, Bret Michaels. You are a 13 year-old-boy trapped under the wig of a grown man!

In an effort to dispel the rumor that she is a sweet innocent naif, Jessica has been pounding back drinks like a rugby team on spring break in Ireland. She begins to feel unwell, so someone makes the world's saddest ham sandwich and flops it around her face. This was the comedy high point of the show; as Friend of Felt Up Gilliam C. pointed out, the girls appeared to be using this hunk of bread and cheese as a "Smelling Sandwich" in lieu of salts. Alas, The Smelling Sandwich did not manage to rouse Jessica out of her drunken stupor, nor did blowing chunks into the trashcan. As many of us are aware (albeit through hearsay, of course, not personal exprerience, oh no!) the only cure for her condition is Time. And perhaps a Nurofen Plus or ten.


TIMBER! Jessica takes Heather down with her.

Of course it is at this precise moment that Bret comes home. Jessica flings herself on him and spews sweet nothings, and chunks, at him, saying "I don't want to be alone" and "I hate you." Bret rather tenderly tells her that he doesn't hate her, he loves her (I'll bet off-camera Heather was breathing FIRE) and she says she would never hurt him. Awww, that's kind of sweet! Extreme alcohol poisoning can be so romantic.

Heather and Bret go off to for their SALT II Treaty-esque discussions of the skanks. Heather thinks Jessica is too young for Bret, and Bret may possibly agree. He says she has a "young soul." Maybe he can get that ridiculous guru back to confirm this? Heather also thinks Megan the Mega Bitch may be using Bret to further her career of being a reality show mega bitch.

Elswhere in the Ho Hotel, Megan and her ex are discussing why he came on the show and she figures out that it was only so he could wear the stupid t-shirt for his stupid bar on VH1 and then she starts crying because she still loves this balding creep (I would say he's a douche, but in the presence of such greatness as Charles, such descriptions are practically meaningless). Soccer mom Ambre witnesses this little exchange and takes Megan under her maternal wing to get the scoop. In a moment of weakness, Megan spills the beans that she is still on an emotional roller coaster over a guy in a Swig t-shirt.

Heather and Bret continue to debate personality flaws. Heather rightly points out that Ambre seems like she's be more comfortable taking the kids to Little League practice than taking part in Bret's rock-n-roll lifestyle. On the other hand, Destiney is perhaps a bit too much into the rock thing and may be a groupie. Then Heather casually throws out that Daisy still lives with El Douche. So basically, Heather thinks the only one in the house right for Bret is Heather. And the whole world agrees.

Bret is reeling from the Daisy/Douche co-habitation news, so he takes the two of them outside to discuss this vital issue. Daisy tells him that they are best friends are definitely not doing it anymore. El Douche kind of grunts every now and then. When Bret asks him if he'd mind if Daisy was Bret's Rock of Love, he says "fire BAD!" and puffs out his chest.

Bret goes inside to consult the I-Ching on these earth-shattering developments in his fake love life. Ambre takes the opportunity to rat out Megan and her feelings for the ex-boyfriend. Bret sends for Megan, who leaps onto him so she can do her patented Bret-straddle. She denies Ambre's report and says that she "must be confused." Bret is massaging her tum-tum and seems to be losing focus on the issue at hand.

Poor Jessica wakes up to find that her reputation is no longer that of an innocent, but now is that of an innocent who pukes. Oh, well. She's determined to make it to the eliminations, though, which is more than can be said about that girl from the first episode--remember her, the one that passed out drunk and slept through the eliminations? Oh, how young and gay and fancy-free I felt way back then. Before the endless agonies of Kristy Joe made me a hardened old crone...

In case we weren't already impressed with the unusual amount of screen time given to Heather, she actually accompanies Bret to the eliminations! All hail Queen Heather! Oh, my god she looks so awesome. She's wearing this flowy zebra print dress that's short in the front and long in the back and there are cut-outs and a plunging neckline that makes the whole world her mammographer. Oh, God, Heather you rule!

Ambre, who notes that she didn't vomit, isn't still living with her boyfriend, and isn't a stripper, feels safe, and she is. Although I think not being a stripper is more of a hindrance than a help in this sitch, Ambre. Destiney is also safe. Daisy is safe, despite the fact that she desperately needs to put some Preparation H on those bags under her eyes and is also still living in Sin City with El Douche.

So the final two are Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica, and Megan can't believe it! Jessica sorta can. But in the end it is Jessica who gets to stay and rock Bret's world, much to Megan's shock. She goes down to get her good-bye and just stands there, seemingly unable to move or speak. She stands there for a very long time. An uncomfortably long time. A bizarrely long time. I felt like she was not so much upset that she had lost a chance of fake love with Bret, but that she could not believe that someone as hot herself was actually going to have to find yet another reality show on which to sell what is left of her soul. She refuses to kiss Bret! That is considered bad form.


(crickets)

Then Bret tells the remaining girls that not only are they all flying of to Las Vegas but Heather is coming along! HUZZAH! The previews indicate that the whole show becomes like a demented drunken stripper version of a Judy Blume novel, with all the skanks ganging up on Daisy and hazing her until she wants to kill herself. I CANNOT WAIT.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Just Like Every Eyebrow Must Be Closely Shorn

Hello, skanks! Whassa goin' on? Your humble Felt Up blogette is starting the long road to post-South By Southwest recovery. She should be feeling somewhat better some time in August. Also, she is reeling from last night's dramatic episode of "Rock of Love." Such sturm und drang! Such emotional turmoil! Such cheap, terrible clothing!

Let's get the party started, shall we?

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**AIN'T NOTHIN'**

**BUT A SPOILED THING**


Thespians!

We begin where so many great pieces of theater begin--in a home gym, where a bunch of sloots are working out. Kristy Joe thinks back on Bret's stated concerns--over and over and over again, ad nauseum--that she is not really "there for him," and decides she needs to take action. Jesus, this show sure has its own personal set of tired, worn-out cliches! You have be there for Bret, for the right reasons, by stepping up your game and getting a lot of face-time with Bret and really make a connection with him. AAAAH!

To combat Bret's perception that she is a loony tune freak-a-deak with no eyebrows who might be there for the dreaded wrong reasons, Kristy Joe decides to call her second husband and inform him that they shall be now be divorcing so that she can pursue a polyamorous televised sexual relationship with the lead singer of Poison. Apparently this is news to hubby numero dos, which means that she has been lying to everyone--even BRET!--about her current situation. Several times she had said that she was in the process of divorcing the guy, but no, she's telling him now. On the phone. In front of a TV audience.

Kristy Joe wants to tell Bret the great news, but he's busy driving around in his convertible with his wig a' blowin' in the breeze.

Back at Skank Manor, the ladies are informed that their challenge will be to produce two videos for Bret's "music." The creative director of the winning video gets to go on a solo date with Bret somewhere awful, and the other team members will get a group date somewhere awful. They listen to the songs; one is the terrible, terrible theme to the show and the other is a terrible, terrible slow jam. They divide into two teams--Jessica, Daisy, and Destiney on one and Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Megan the Mega Bitch on the other. Ambre literally gets down on her bruised and bloodied knees to beg her teammates to let her be creative director. She really is stepping up her game! Sadly, it is rather a pathetic display.

Destiney, for no good reason, is the creative director of team 2. You are my Density!

Ambre has a whole concept in mind for the slow jam video: Kristy Joe is going to be sad and depressed, Megan will be a total mega bitch, and someone will shove a flower at Kristy Joe and cheer her up. (Too bad they didn't have a divorce decree pushed in her face instead.) It is a mound of crap, but it like Citizen Kane compared to the video that Destiney and her crew come up with. I couldn't make heads or tails out of the "plot"; I think Jessica is supposed to be a virginal school girl and is lead into the wild side of life by a trout-lipped stripper. The main cinematic influence seemed to be the video for ZZ Top's "Legs."

Everything is going great until the editing process begins. Ambre's team has some trouble--their editor's computer freezes up and won't function. The way Ambre is behaving--pulling out her hair, making everyone pray over the computer--I thought they had barely finished editing any of it, but it turned out fine (if by fine you mean a travesty of video-making). The other team didn't have that level of bad luck, but their editor sure did. The poor guy looked remarkably stoic in the face of the screeching hyenas shouting at him about where to cut their tacky stripper video; on the other hand, he also looked like he wanted to kill them and then himself, perhaps by impaling everyone on a stripper pole.

Finally it was time for the grand viewing. Ambre's team's video was, of course, terrible--trite, cliched, wooden. The final scene of a red flower brightening Kristy Joe's mood (signaled by the film going from black and white to color!) made a mockery of every great video ever made; however, it was like the baby carriage scene in The Battleship Potemkin compared to the part in Destiney's video in which Daisy sucks Jesssica's index finger with her ginormous fake fish lips. In the end, Bret surprisingly chooses pathos over poontang and crowns Ambre's team the winners.

Which means that Kristy Joe gets yet another date (albeit with Megan the Mega Bitch along), and this is more than poor Daisy can bear. Later she sits in the kitchen, crying and carrying on and railing to a deaf God that it isn't fair! Kristy Joe walks in and walks back out without responding. Daisy throws a real zinger at he as she departs: "I hope you have fun on your date tomorrow!" I really thought she would add, "NOT!" but apparently she thought the tone of her voice would adequately convey the intended bitter, cruel irony. She then collapses into her hoodie.

Soon enough it's time for Ambre's solo date with Bret, and after all her hard work and blood, sweat, and tears, I'm sorry to report that this involves going into Bret's bedroom, sitting on pillows next to a hookah, and getting her chakras cleansed by an Indian guru. Well, I'm not that sorry. The guru has them all hold hands and he says that Ambre and Bret have known each other since the 12th century. Did they even have soccer back then? What about minivans? Bret asks Ambre how old she is, which is kind of unchivalrous if you ask me. She's not a day over 700 years old!


Chakra Kahn, Chakra Kahn, let me rock you Chakra Kahn.

In the mean time, Kristy Joe wants to talk to Bret for the 14, 000th time about her past and her feelings and her heart being on her sleeve and her restraining order. So she just comes banging on the door and barges in on Ambre's date. Bret decides to sic the guru on Kristy Joe! Heh. Serves her right. He asks Kristy Joe if she's ever seen a "sad mountain" or a "frustrated gluestick" or some crazy crap. Kristy Joe is nonplussed. Back in Bret's room, Ambre and Bret start making out, and Bret interviews that she is the best kisser in the house. Well, he should know! Also: Eww.

Kristy Joe gets her face time with Bret and tells him, like a complete moron, that she just told her second husband she wants a divorce. Now, Bret Michaels is many things--rocker, lover, wearer of doo-rags, fine wig connoisseur--but he's not an idiot. He immediately susses out that this information means Kristy Joe was lying through her missing eyebrows when she told him earlier that the divorce was already happening. However, he doesn't seem all that angry about this. Because, as we find out all too soon, HE IS MADLY, PASSIONATELY IN LURVE WITH KRISTY JOE.

Meanwhile, Daisy, Jessica, and Destiney sit on the staircase, fully aware that Kristy Joe is doing something unspeakable with Bret. Jessica loses it completely and wails to the heavens in a manner not unlike Meryl Streep in A Cry In The Night when a dingo took her baby.

The next day it is time for the three-way date with Megan the Mega Bitch and Kristy Joe. Unlike poor, sad Ambre, they are treated to a meal in a restaurant. Megan decides to help her digestion by straddling Bret and making out with him in front of Kristy Joe, who leaves. Eventually Bret disentangles himself from Megan's haunches and seeks out Kristy Joe, who is understandably sulky. They have a weird conversation--she says she doesn't like him, or something? I think? Then Megan the Mega Bitch barges in before we can figure out what is going on.


When in doubt, tonsil hockey!

Back at House of Hos, Kristy Joe comes back from her dream date and is confronted with a furious Ambre, who totally goes off on Kristy Joe about her being a loony tune nutty nutball. I don't know what her fellow moms back on the soccer field will think when they get a load of all the f-bombs she dropped on Kristy Joe! At first Kristy Joe just stares back with her usual blank Kabuki mask, but eventually gets riled up and yells back. Blah blah blah stressed out blah Bret blah sick of it blah blah messing with her head blahbitty blah BLAH.

Elimination time. Ambre gets the first pass, and she is as pleased as 900 year old punch. Then Daisy is called upon to continue to rock his world, and she giddily accepts. Then it's Jessica and Destiney, who was pretty worried since she directed the losing video.

So it's down to Kristy Joe and Megan the Mega Bitch, who is in total shock that her dinner time lap ride didn't do her any favors. Bret calls Kristy Joe down, and here is where everything goes horribly, horribly awry. Bret tells her that he feels a connection and it's been a roller coaster ride and he cares about her and asks her if she will stay in the house and continue to rock his world. She replies that she has a lot of stuff to take care of back home. Megan is standing there, ignored and forgotten. Kristy Joe cries. Bret offers to help her take care of her problems at home (I don't know how he proposes to do that, exactly; perhaps he thought he could offer her a dainty doo rag to wipe her tears when things got rough in divorce court?). Kristy Joe decides to leave so she can go home and handle her affairs. Bret WALKS HER OUT the door, leaving Megan there like a lump. An angry, bitchy lump. Bret clearly LOVES LOVES LOVES this eyebrowless psycho! He is visibly upset! Whassa going on, Bret? This ain't a good time! After she goes he throws her backstage pass on the ground! It lies there, alone. A backstage pass of LIES AND SADNESS.

He goes back in and dejectedly tells Megan she gets to stay by default. Then he leaves them all so he can BE ALONE. No Bret Brew! Just Bret brood! This is serious, dudes.

Afterwards I asked Friend of Felt Up and "Rock of Love" go-to guy David B. if Bret was diminished in his eyes after this display, and he replied that Bret wasn't exactly up on a pedastal to him in the first place, but I think I speak for all viewers when I say we were left dazed and disturbed after seeing Bret Michaels fall so deeply in love with a contestant on his reality show. I feel like I just saw Hugh Hefner marry an age-appropriate brunette on "The Girls Next Door." THESE ARE ABOMINATIONS AGAINST NATURE!



The good news is that next week we not only get the much-anticipated return of Heather, but also the producers have the genius idea of bringing the ladies' ex-boyfriends on the show! Including the douchebag who plays in Daisy's ungodly bad goth band, Seraphim Shock!
I just hope Bret is back on form. This will not stand. THIS AGRESSION WILL NOT STAND!

Spinal Tapping

Apologies to Friend of Felt Up David B., who was out of town for the last episode of "Rock of Love" and missed the viewing party, but just as every rose has its thorn, I'm afraid that every blog has its spoilers. Avert your eyes, David B.! At least until next week! (Also, in case you were worried, no one wore your special "Rock of Love"-viewing headband. It remains sacrosanct.)



**LIKE I SAID**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**BIG, FAKE, SILICONE-ENHANCED SPOILERS!**

The show begins in the early hours o' the morn, ie, noon, when Bret Michaels is communing with his wig by the pool, only to be interrupted by Inna, who is concerned that their "connection" is waning. Bret acknowledges that their connection started off strong and now is dying. When did this show become set at a Girl Scout summer camp out? (Oh, fond memories of s'mores and slam books at Camp Cookie. But I digress.) Why all this endless discussion of connections and feelings and "being there" for Bret? SIGH!

The challenge this week is for the contestants to put on an old school USO show for "the troops," which the girls and most of the television audience probably assume meant current Iraq/Afghanistan military personnel, but in fact refers to ancient old men who must have served in WW II or possibly Korea, and their wives. In order to get their "talent" in tip-top form, Bret has brought in some pros, Misses Joan Arlene and Shirley Claire, who have been entertaining the troops for 50 years and look amazing in French cut leotards. Leg up!

Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica team up to do a hula-hoop number while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution. A more perfect union, indeed. Inna and Destiney are going to "dance." I think you know the kind of dancing I mean. Ambre the soccer mom and possibly psychotic/definitely eye-brow challenged Kristy Joe pair up to tappa tappa tappa together, badly. And the piece de resistance: Daisy, Our Lady of Perpetual Trout Lipness, is going to sing the national anthem. All I can say is: WOW.

Inna and Destiney try to practice in front of Joan Arlene, and she is understandably critical of their complete lack of professionalism, coordination, or talent. Joan hasn't seen this big a bomb since Dresden. Inna loses it and starts yelling at the old lady. Uh oh. This does not bode well for Inna's connection problems with Bret! Dun dun dun.

The show begins and the audience in the USO hall is, as I mentioned, completely filled with men who look like Blue from Old School and his wife, if he'd had one. They're all in their uniforms and though I think almost all men enjoy gratuitous boobie viewing, it still seems disrespectful and something of a travesty that these people who gave so much for their country are going to be subjected to the likes of these.

Ah five, six, seven, eight! Kristy Joe and Ambre are first, and although Ambre is okay, Kristy Joe comes gallumphing out with the grace and majesty of a drunk bison performing the hokey-pokey. At least they manage to keep the audience in the dark as to their gynocological situations, which is more than I can say for some of the other ladies.

Then Jessica and Megan the Mega Bitch come out to do their Hula Hoops For the Troops routine. Apparently Megan has never before encountered the Preamble to the Constitution, or the word "posterity," in her entire life. She makes Jessica look like Madame Curie. They decide to spice it up a bit by removing much of their clothing until they are down to their teensy red, white, and blue bikinis. But again, their act is comparatively classy, and no laws are broken (although even I--bleeding heart that I am--cringed at the sight of the two using the American flag to slap each other on the ass; isn't that desecrating Old Glory in front of the vets?). They are so hilariously bad that everyone in the audience has tears of laughter flowing down their faces.

Destiney and Inna, knowing full well that they are terrible at dancing, decide to take their clothes, off, too, but in a much more distressing way. There's a lot of bending over, ass-slapping, and general whorishness all around. Everyone is fairly aghast, even Bret, although I don't know what he thought he was doing, bringing this group of sloots to the USO and parading their "talents" in front of ancient veterans and their wives. Did he think the contestants would rise above their limitations? Does he expect miracles? Would he put deaf people up there to sing the National Anthem without an intepreter?

Speaking of which, the final act is Daisy, Patron Saint of Restylane, and her rendition of our nation's signature song. I'm not sure how this is possible, but even though she has the words in front of her, she can't remember the lyrics or anything else about the anthem. At all. The audience dutifully stands up and tries valiantly to sing along, but they are singing through tears--of pain or laughter, it's hard to tell. She massacres that song. Those vets would have had much better luck with Ms. Roseanne Barr, and you know how that turned out.

In the end the audience chooses the winning team via their applause, and unsurprisingly they pick Jessica and Megan the Mega Bitch's Hoops for the Troops. They win a terrible dream date with Bret!

Back at the Ho Motel, Bret and the ladies sit down for some dinner, and right away Bret wants to stir up trouble by forcing them to tell him who they think is there for the "right reasons" and who isn't. No one wants to say anything about anyone else, not even Megan the Mega Bitch, but surprisingly enough, Ambre the Minivan Princess decides that she has to call out Kristy Joe for being two kinds of person--real, and not real. Or something. Basically she talks--with tears running down her face--about Kristy Joe (who is Ambre's roommate, as well as her tap dancin' team mate) being two-faced and wanting to go home and having two ex-husbands and/or one current husband, and the usual blah blah blah about Kristy Joe.

Kristy Joe says, in a flat, monotone zombie voice, that no one's opinion of her matters but Bret's. Suddenly Destiney is enraged and screaming her head off at Kristy Joe, something about not showing her emotions. Or something. Sometimes I have trouble understanding these people, as my Skank-to-English is a little rusty. They both jump up and yell at each other for some time, and then eventually calm down. Bret gets all pissy and demands to know, yet again, if Kristy Joe is there for him or not and leaves the table in a total huff. It is odd, since he started the whole argument in the first place by forcing each girl to talk trash about the others.

Kristy Joe starts packing her bags to leave, until Bret comes in and stops her. More blah blah blah "are you for real? are you here for ME?" blabberty blab blab with Kristy Joe that frankly is wearing thin. They have this same exact conversation every single week! Meanwhile, Ambre is in a shame spiral, worrying herself to death that Bret will be mad at her for being a rat-faced little-bootied tattle-tale, even though he started all this crap himself.

Then Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica and Bret go off on their horrible date at...horrible Ed Hardy's! I mean, I enjoy tattoos as much as the next person, but that crap is so played out! Once Tori Spelling gets an Ed Hardy diaper bag, it is ALL OVER. Anyway, the big treat for the two gals is to pick out t-shirts and get them "custom coutured" by some dude who works at the shop. His version of "custom couture" is slicing up the tee shirts with a pair of scissors until they look like those '80s shirts from the beach that had strips hanging off the bottom with beads and crap dangling. Somewhere Coco Chanel is spinning in her grave at this outrageous affront to the couture tradition. Jessica is rather sweetly enthralled that a man is buying her gifts (if by "buy" she means "have donated for a promotional consideration by a corporate sponsor"), and Megan the Mega Bitch bitchily bitches that Jessica is "pathetic" for never having whored herself out before for a few trinkets.

At dinner (in an actual restaurant! not in Ed Hardy's sweat shop!), Megan the Mega Bitch bitchily brings up Inna's fight with Joan, the USO lady, and this upsets Bret no end, who laments that lost connection with Inna again and gets his gander up over Inna being "disrespectful" to his girl Joan. Dun dun dun dun dun!

Back at the Skankton Inn, Ambre decides to make amends with Kristy Joe, since they have to room together, but Kristy Joe is all, "whatevs." Oh, well.

Elimination time. Bret says right off the bat that he doesn't want drama or "mediocracy" in his life. OH NO HE DIDN'T! Did no one affiliated with this show take him aside after last season's malapropism problems? Specifically with his repeated use of "mediocracy"? How could he not know by now that there is no such word? I'm truly embarrassed for him. Oh, god!

Ambre, despite her worries, gets the first pass. She is elated and plans on celebrating by taking the kids to Disneyland in her Dodge Caravan. Destiney, Jessica, Megan the Mega Bitch, and carpy harpy Daisy all get passes, which means Kristy Joe and Inna are the final two.

And no surprise here...Inna goes home. What w