Felt Up

The Good, The Bad, and The Jiggy

2011-02-11T15:10:00.001-08:00

First, a wee program note: January 30 was Felt Up's 7th anniversary! Hooray.

Now for the good stuff. Well, "good" if you're into trashy reality shows. Awesome blog Reality Tea has a bunch of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Before They Were Famous" photos. My favorites are:

1) Taylor "Our Lady of The Lip" Armstrong, whose horrible, boring, aloof husband has been in trouble with the IRS (convicted of felony assessment evasion), and allegedly sued for "fraud, negligent misrepresentation, breach of fiduciary duty and more," according to this site, and who, by the way, tried to pretend that her daughter was godmothered by fellow RHBH co-star Adrienne Maloof (the truth--that The Maloof is not the godmother and is not "close" to Taylor at all--came out on the "Real Housewives Lost Footage" special), AND allegedly tried to call herself Taylor Ford and pass herself off as a member of the Ford family (as in Ford Motors), although her real name is Shana Hughes, and, as we all know by now, is from Oklahoma, not Michigan:

So young, cute, fresh-faced, and UNRECOGNIZABLE. Granted, these photos were taken in the 1980s, but does she even have dimples anymore? Did they get sucked away during all the surgeries? Is that possible?

2) Speaking of unrecognizable, I will let you try to guess who the hell this is:

That, my friends, is CAMILLE GRAMMER.

Sadly, no old-school photos of Jiggy before the alopecia set in, but there are some good ones of mild Felt Up obsession Lisa Vanderpump and her shaggy-haired husband Ken. In fact, the whole layout is worth perusing, especially for the cute series of Kim Richards Before She Was Tragic.

PS
I am LOVING that the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was such a success that Bravo is doing everything in its power to mine and exploit every tawdry scrap of film they already shot so they can create "new" RHBV shows, like the afore-mentioned "Lost Footage" program and the upcoming "director's cut" of the infamous "Dinner Party from Hell," featuring the e-cigarette smoker/medium/horror Alison DuBois and "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick. Huzzah! I, for one, am not willing to give up on this season and am ready to eat up whatever re-hashed mishmash of old footage that Bravo dishes out. As Allison DuBois would say, I know exactly when I'm going to watch a crappy reality show--I love that about me! KNOW THIS, Bravo. KNOW THIS.

PSS
In other Real Housewives "news," creepy narcissist Slade Smiley who has dated three, count 'em three of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," owes over $138,000 in child support for his son with brain cancer. Why am I not surprised?

Vanderpumping The Past

2011-01-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

I was perusing my favorite "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Lisa Vanderpump's website, as is my wont, and was amazed to discover that she starred in a couple of ABC videos from the '80s, including "Poison Arrow," a video that was shown approximately one million times during my callow youth, which was entirely spent glued to MTV 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I actually think she looks better now, thanks to some sort of pact with the devil/illegal European urine injections/picture of Dorian Gray/whatnot. She's richer than God, so who knows? Anyway, behold the Vanderpump!

Whatever happened to ABC, I wonder?

A Program Note From Felt Up

2011-01-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

I am starting to post again a bit over on THRIFTY CENT, my thriftin' blog. So be sure to check it a few hundred times a day, every single day, just in case.

Thank you.

They Really Are Kardooky

2010-12-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

The awesome Kardashian Christmas Card makes me think they could be the new Addams Family, except, you know....trashy.

Hot Couple Alert: Denikki Sixxards

2010-12-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

(image via usweekly)

Boy oh boy, Denise Richards sure knows how to pick 'em. After the emotional rollercoaster of being married to Charlie Sheen and then dating the ex-husband (Richie Sambora) of her now-ex-best friend (Dame Heather Locklear), she has wisely chosen to give her heart to noted humble gent Motley Crue bassist Nikki "I Like To Talk About Myself In the Third Person A Lot" Sixx, who seems to finally have gotten over Kat Von D, who dumped him for internationally-reviled cheater/possible Nazi Jesse James. Whew! I need a flow chart or something to keep track of all this l'amour.

Anyway, new couple! Let's take bets on how long it lasts...

Separated At Birth?

2010-12-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would wake up this morning and make this celebrity comparison, but take a wee gander at this photo of 1980s star and Felt Up Grande Dame Emeritus Emma Samms:

(image via eriklerouge)

....and then drink in this very recent shot of Christina Ricci:

(image via the wow report)

I'm not crazy, right? Emma Samms for the WIN. (She's also looking just the teensiest bit like Ms. Shannon Doherty.) None of this is terrible news, of course, and she looks super-glam and all--it simply means that SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE CHRISTINA RICCI.

Twin Freaks

2010-12-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

Ah, the mysterious yin and yang of cosmetic surgery. Earlier this week, there was the yin, represented by wonderful-looking 59-year-old "Wonder Woman" star Lynda Carter.

And now, the YANG:

(image via thedailymail)

Ack! It's Lara Flynn Boyle! I think.

I Say A Little Prayer For You

2010-12-08T17:50:00.001-08:00

(image via 8notes)

I hate to sound like Camille Grammer and make this all about ME, ME, ME, but I knew I was really going to regret not spending $250 to see Aretha Franklin in Austin a few years ago.

I just had a feeling...

Kash and Karry With The Kardashians

2010-12-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

(image via honeygerman)

I just love the New York Times' "Critical Shopper" column, which reviews stores instead of movies or books; I'm sure being in the retail game (when not humbly blogging away, of course) may have something to do with it. There are exceptions: Uber-hipster Cintra Wilson's repulsively snobby and vicious review of the flagship JC Penney's in Manhattan, for example. However, today my two worlds have collided, in a delightful way, with the "Critical Shopper"'s report on Dash, the new New York outpost of the Kardashian Sisters' retail empire. Huzzah!

Writer Jon Caramanica gets the tone--humor without rancor--just right. He and his friends try to figure out which Kardashian they are ("Fleur was “a Khloé with a strong undercurrent of Kourtney”; Bolt, “a Khloé with Kim rising.” Ace pleaded ignorance, though she’s a Kim, through and through. Me, probably more Kourtney than I’d care to admit, so let’s say mostly Kim and call it a day." Except for having pals named Fleur, Bolt, and Ace, I can relate to this game. I believe myself to be mainly a shorter Khloé with a dash of Bruce Jenner.)

He and his friends find Dash to have the impermanent, empty feeling of a "pop-up store," as if the whole enterprise was simply an excuse/set piece for the new tv show "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and perhaps that is exactly what it is.

As for the clothes, Caramanica describes some selections thusly:

A floppy suede Eugenia Kim hat ($276) suggested a daytime Kourtney, or a nighttime Khloé. One of the store’s best items was a hooded draped black vest, by Rachel Pally ($226), suitable either for a post-yoga Kim, or stylish pagans.

Hee hee. There are also Kardashian-themed souvenirs and trinkets, like a $10 Kardashian bottled water. If you're into this kind of thing, the article is worth the full read. Kool kids krave Kardashian kicks!

Wonder Woman, Indeed

2010-12-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

After seeing this photo of Miss Lynda Carter at the Kennedy Center Honors the other night, I hereby nominate everyone's favorite "Wonder Woman"' for the "First Annual Joan Collins Award for Excellence in Plastic Surgery--Age 59 and Older," created by me, your humble Felt Up blogette, in order to acknowledge truly AMAZING advances in the field of celebrity nip/tucks:

(image via wowreport)

Doesn't she look incredible? She was, of course, very beautiful to begin with, but whatever work she's had done is very tasteful and effective. She is still recognizably Miss Lynda Carter, but, you know, enhanced. She is almost 60 years old, people. (Take note, Meg Ryan. It is possible to have plastic surgery and not end up looking like a cross between The Joker and Alvin Chipmunk.)

'Tis The Season

2010-12-08T10:35:00.001-08:00

For some reason, this photo of Felt Up Patron Saint John Waters and Justin Beiber makes me think of Christmas:

(image via zap2it)

It just seems so festive!

Celebrity Math

2010-12-06T12:15:00.001-08:00

Kim Jong Il puppet from Team America

(image via sipseystreetirregulars)

+

Jim Jones

(image via joeljamescomedy)

+

"Top Chef"'s Stephen Asprinio

(image via jan norris)

=

Wikileaks' Julian Assange

(image via the daily mail)

QED

Burlesque is the Antin-dote to The Winter Blahs

2010-12-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

(image via 80millionmoviesfree)

Friends, your humble Felt Up blogette finally saw Burlesque last night, and despite all the bad reviews (mainly comparing it unfavorably with Showgirls, Chicago, and Cabaret), I can honestly say that it was a festive delight, especially since there was a loud, drunken group of middle-aged Latinas behind us who hooted and hollered in Spanish throughout the spectacle (especially at a brief glimpse of a male naked bottom) and the rest of the audience applauded the musical numbers and we all just generally had a gay ole time. Of course it's not as ridonkulous as Showgirls--NOTHING WILL EVER BE AS RIDONKULOUS AS SHOWGIRLS!--or as awesome as Cabaret or Chicago (which was almost ruined by Renee Zellweger's pinchy-faced weirdness, anyway)--but it does have CHER.

Whoever did the costumes on this thing did a pretty damn good job, even though I thought there should be at least one pair of pasties in a movie called Burlesque. If they give out a special Oscar for Best Use of Retro Underpants in a Musical, this movie should win it, hands down.

So, if you want some escapist good times featuring lots of frilly underbottoms, see-through mesh brassieres, not one but two Cher showcase lollapalooza musical numbers, and the great Stanley Tucci reprising his role from The Devil Wears Prada, then Burlesque is for you, especially after a few cocktails. (I must note, however, the CRIMINAL underuse of Dame Alan Cumming--I can only imagine there is a cutting room floor filled with some amazing scenes of his. Surely they could have lopped off one or two of the 5,000 Christina Aquilera-does-Etta-James numbers? Sigh...)

When the credits rolled, I was delighted to see that Steve Antin was the director. Steve Antin was the star of The Last American Virgin and was the bad guy in Goonies and used to date power gay David Geffen. I find his entire family entirely FASCINATING. His brother is Jonathan Antin, late of the greatest, most hilariously insane reality show ever, "Blow Out" (you know, the one about the uber-straight LA hairdresser, Jonathan, who sobbed uncontrollably when his line of hair products, Jonathan Product, got a bar code?) and his sister is Robin Antin, founder of The Pussycat Dolls, which before it became the harbinger of the muscical Apocalypse was a burlesque troupe (and yet she is not listed as a "consultant" on Burlesque, which is either an admirable rejection of Hollywood nepotism or proof of the long-standing feud I just made up in my head that exists between Steve and Robin). These three will stop at nothing as they scratch and claw their way to the D-List, and I applaud them for it!

Jonathan, Steve, and Robin Antin!
(image via acesshowbiz)

Most interesting of all? Just look at what Steve has done to his face over the years:

Last American Virgin heyday:

(image via NNDB)

Current:

(image via zimbio)

He doesn't look bad, or old--he just doesn't look particularly human; it's a little too Madame Tussaud's around the edges for my taste. But who am I to judge? He is part of America's royal family of second-tier entertainment, for god's sake! Long live the Antins!

We Must All Pray For Michael Douglas' Speedy Recovery

2010-12-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

In case you needed any more reasons to root for Michael Douglas' return to good health after his current battle with throat cancer, well look no further. As soon as he gets better he is supposed to star in Steven Soderbergh's new biopic as...LIBERACE.

I was super-crushed when the Liberace Museum closed down in Las Vegas (maybe the proposed--by Randy Quaid--Randy Quaid Musuem could take it's place?), but I'm hoping against hope that this movie will bring a whole new wave of Liberace-mania to the USA and beyond.

The fact that the director is Steven Soderbergh makes me think it might actually be a decent movie. And I think Michael Douglas is a really good fit for the role, actually, for some strange reason. I guess he will mainly be portraying later era Liberace, though. So get well soon, kid, and start a) practicing the piano, and b) getting those gams in shape!

(And while we're on the subject of Liberace, I'd like to direct your attention to the following photograph I found while researching the scandal-plagued Liberace Museum. Yes, that is a MINI-LIBERACE puppet protesting the closing of the museum. God, I love Vegas.)

(image via ken owens)

News Flash

2010-12-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

(image via the telegraph)

I'm already sick to death of William and Kate's wedding.

Quaids Hit The Big Time

2010-12-01T08:38:00.001-08:00

(image via vanity fair)

Christmas has come early! The new Vanity Fair has an in-depth profile of America's favorite fugitives, The Quaids, and it's already online.

Here are some choice tidbits I hadn't heard about until this article:

The Quaids are "sometimes" sleeping in their Prius in Vancouver.

Evi Quaid once had an L.A. art gallery show featuring "giant photographs of her pierced vagina."

When they showed up in court with Randy's Golden Globe, Evi also had a "valid credit card" attached to her forehead.

They tried to build a Randy Quaid Museum in Marfa, Texas. (And if it ever gets built, I guess I'm finally going to have to go to Marfa!)

The Quaids allegedly have not defrauded just one innkeeper, but a whole string of fancy California hotels: "They reportedly had unpaid charges at the Bel-Air in Beverly Hills ($17,000), the Biltmore in Montecito ($500), and San Francisco’s Nob Hill Hotel ($55,243)." Evi, naturally, "insisted they had paid all the bills in full."

Evi claims that Madonna tried to lure Randy away from her on the set of Bloodhounds of Broadway so she, Randy, and Jennifer Grey could have a ménage a trois.

They have pitched a reality show called Star Trackers, which has "Evi and Randy playing a Bonnie-and-Clyde-like couple that hunts down the Hollywood Star Whackers."

Evi directed a movie in 1999 called The Debtors, starring Randy and Michael Caine (!), which was never realeased due to the producers' squeamishness about a "squirting rubber penis."

Oh, there a thousand twists and turns in this story, including appearances by Robert Blake (framed!), Chris Penn (murdered!), Jeremy Piven (poisoned!), David Carradine (murdered!), Mel Gibson (framed!), Michael Jackson (part of a conspiracy!), Meg Ryan (jealous slut!), an Andy Warhol painting (with hidden meaning!)--it just goes on and on, and is really, really complicated. Go read the thing and see if you can make sense of the Quaids worldview, because it's too much for my noggin to wrap itself around.

Sadly, by all accounts, Randy Quaid was a sweet, relatively normal (for an actor) man whose wife turned him against his friends and supporters, spent all his money on fancy clothes, and may literally be driving him insane with her paranoid fantasies about a "cabal" of bankers, agents, lawyers, etc who conspired to take Randy's royalty checks and real estate. I hope nothing truly terrible happens; right now, it's kooky good gossip. But it could easily take a turn for tragic. Keep it kooky, kids! Please!

A Very Felt Up Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things we should all be thankful for:

We are not Phaedra's newborn child from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

We probably only have to hear that terrible Train song "Hey Soul Sister" about 1 million more times on commercials and in movies this holiday season, and then we can kill ourselves in a mass suicide, and we'll never hear it again. Yay! (Unless, of course, we're sent to Hell. Then that's all we'll hear for all eternity. Which wouldn't be that different from life on Earth circa 2010. So, kind of a toss up.)

We are not married to The Cult's Billy Duffy, unlike poor, terrified AJ Celi from "Married to Rock."

Yigit won "Top Chef Just Desserts." (Spoiler!)

No one can actually force us to explain who Kellan Lutz, Leighton Meester, or Avan Jogia are.

Tim Gunn's recent spate of delightful non-stop trash-talking about celebrities, which somewhat mitigates the miscarriage of justice that was this season's winner of "Project Runway."

On practically any night of the week we can watch "Swamp People," "Billy The Exterminator," "Ma's Roadhouse," or "Southern Fried Stings." If we have sweet, sweet cable.

Camille Grammer is, at some point this season on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," going to find out on camera about Kelsey Grammer dumping her for a 26-year-old British flight attendant. (Normally this would not be such wonderful tv viewing, but if you've seen Camille...ye gods. If Katharine Heigl had a bitchy, entitled lovechild with Meg Whitman, it would be more likable than Camille.) At least, this is what I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on. Bravo would never let me down, right? Right?

We have not been featured on "Hoarders," "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," or "Intervention." Yet.

Kim Zolzciak exists.

And the #1 thing we have to be thankful for during this time of giving:

God bless us, every one!

Heidi Klum Wears Guerra Well

2010-11-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

I know hardly anyone watches "Project Runway" anymore, but those of you who do know that this season's win was the worst highway robbery since the days of Robin Hood. So it was extra-delightful to see Miss Heidi Klum at last night's debut of the lesbian ballet art movie The Black Swan making a protest statement by being decked out in Mondo "I Should've Won" Guerra's polka dot dress, albeit with the sleeves removed:

(image via blogging project runway)

I don't think we'll ever see Heidi in Gretchen "Wretchen" Jones' frumpster clothing, do you?

How Old Is This Woman?

2010-11-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

Behold Miss Gloria Vanderbilt:

(image via janet charlton)

Do you think she is:

a) 56 years old

b) 66 years old

c) 76 years old

d) 86 years old

e) frozen in a cryogenic state

If you answered d) 86 years old, you are correct! Will also accept "some mixture of d) and e)."

She was the subject of a scandalous custody battle--in the 1930s! Her first marriage took place in 1945! Anderson Cooper's mother is 86--and just look at her. Is there any huma skin left on there at all? Don't get me wrong, I think she looks amazing--much better than say, Ms. Meg Ryan, who is only 48 (!)--but it still freaks me out.

(And yes, I do realize that a year ago I did almost this exact same post--she just gets more mesmerizing with every passing day!)

QUAIDS Crisis Still Spreading

2010-11-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

(image via people)

To no one's real surprise, Randy and Evi Quaid failed to show up at their arraignment for felony vandalism charges in Santa Barbara, California on Tuesday. I'm sure they were just totally busy trying to evade the "star-whackers" who are no doubt trailing their every move.

According to People magazine, Evi is now facing yet another warrant for her arrest, the repayment of a $500,000 bond, and a long jail sentence:

Evi's bail amount of $500,000 was forfeited, court spokeswoman Liz Jahadhmy confirms to PEOPLE. A new bench warrant in the same amount was issued against Evi.

Evi, 47, whose probation had been revoked for her previous hotel-bill-skipping case, is expected to face significant jail time. Both are accused of squatting in and causing damage to a Montecito, Calif. home they previously owned.

Randy's $500,000 bail remains in place, because the Quaids' attorney, Robert Sanger, told the judge that the actor, 60, was required to stay in Canada until he can appear for an immigration hearing there on Nov. 8.

A warrant for Randy was also issued Tuesday, but held on condition he shows for the couple's next hearing on Nov. 16.

Is it time to take Dog The Bounty Hunter at his word and sicc him on the Quaids? Will this all end up making for a very special episode of "Intervention"? When is Dennis Quaid going to say or do anything? Felt Up has questions, dammit!

Breaking News: Miley Cyrus' Mom Did It With Bret Michaels

2010-11-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

(image via us weekly)

O...M...G...ya'll. Why are Miley Cyrus' parents Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus getting divorced? Because Tish had an affair with BRET MICHAELS. According to US Weekly:

The reason Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday).

When Billy Ray learned of it - as well as at least one other fling - he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly.

Michaels, 47, "became close to the entire family" this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet "Nothing to Lose," an insider tells Us Weekly.

He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly.

Tish was seen at Michaels' Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company’s help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie.

"Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on," the source says of the "Achy Breaky Heart" crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.)

Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, "There has never been an affair or a fling," and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, "It was a professional relationship that turned into something more."

Well, at least it was the age-appropriate (although not maritally appropriate) mom and not the extremely age-inappropriate daughter. That's about the best silver lining I can come with for this situation. Look at that photo above. They kind of look alike, although something peculiar is going on with Bret's face, especially around the eye area. If he doesn't watch out he's going to start looking like Felt Up Patron Saint Jocelyn Wildenstein. Or a blond Carrot Top. (Shudder.)

Will Brett adopt Miley? Will they have a whole new empire of blended family reality shows, like "Rock of Mom" or "The Michaels Bunch"?

Poor Billy Ray. I could make an achy-breaky heart reference, but I will REFRAIN.

Close Encounters of the Reid Kind

2010-10-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, dear. Tara Reid is looking just a bit...

(image via jezebel)

...like the alien from Close Encounters of the Third Kind:

(image via web orange uk)

And not in a good way.

You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee

2010-10-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, it's all becoming so much clearer, now. Randy and Evi Quaid were not merely making a run for the Canadian border, they were arrested in Vancouver after causing some kind of street ruckus and are now seeking REFUGEE status because Heath Ledger and David Carradine died and they think they're next. Makes perfect sense to me.

According to CBC News:

U.S. actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are seeking refugee status in Canada, telling an Immigration and Refugee Board hearing in Vancouver that they fear for their lives in the U.S.
The Quaids told the hearing Friday that eight of their close friends had been killed in recent years and they now felt endangered themselves.

Evi Quaid said friends such as actors David Carradine and Heath Ledger were "murdered" under mysterious circumstances and she's worried something will happen to her husband.

"We feel our lives are in danger," she said.

"Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners ... We feel that we're next."

Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in the movie Brokeback Mountain. He died in January 2008 from an accidental overdose.

Actor Randy Quaid leaves an immigration hearing in Vancouver after saying he is seeking refugee status in Canada. (CBC)
Carradine was star of the hit 1970s television series Kung Fu and also had a movie career before he hanged himself in Thailand last year. He was 72.

The Quaids were released late Friday after posting bonds of $10,000 each.

The couple were arrested Thursday after Vancouver police were called for assistance concerning an incident near West 41st Avenue and Yew Street.

"While checking the identity of a man and a woman at that location, they learned that the two were wanted on outstanding warrants from the United States," said police in a statement issued on Friday morning.

Geez Louise! They have truly gone over the bend. Paranoid delusions of grandeur (who really cares about the Quaids very much except moi and "Dog" Chapman?), persecution complex, etc etc. I am no doctor, but I think I can safely diagnose these two as suffering from nutty nutballitis.

Sad. Yet fascinating!

Quaids Being Hunted Doggy-Style

2010-10-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well, just when I thought the Quaids Crisis couldn't get any weirder, we have this latest update to ponder, which happens to involve not just Randy and Evi Quaid making a run for an international border, but also bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman thrusting himself into the situation, for no apparent reason except to delight the likes of me. Entertainment Weekly reports:

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested in Vancouver on Wednesday for immigration violations charges after recently skipping a court date in California. The actor, 60, and his wife, 47, are set to appear before a Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board hearing this afternoon, a spokesman for the department told CTV News.

The headline-grabbing couple originally made news back in September when they were charged with felony burglary on suspicion of illegally squatting in the guest house of a California home they owned in the 1990s. Evi was also charged with resisting arrest.

Earlier this week, a judge in Santa Barbara issued $50,000 bench warrants when the Quaids failed to show for their arraignment hearing. Celebrity bounty hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman issued a public challenge to the couple on Thursday night, urging Quaid to turn himself in or he would capture them personally.

Sadly, the Quaids' arrest means we were all denied our God-given right to see the Dog kick in a Marfa motel room door and scream obscenities at a defiant Evi and Randy, all of whom would probably be armed to the teeth with taser guns, pepper spray, and insanity, on a very special episode of "Dog: The Bounty Hunter." Sigh.

Apparently the ultimatum to the Quaids was issued by Dog on "Lopez Tonight," and the video is right here for your viewing pleasure.

Quaids On The Lam--Again

2010-10-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

(images via foxnews.com)

Randy and Evi Quaid naturally failed to show up on Monday for their court hearing related to their perfectly logical felony vandalism/squatting charges (or totally understandable "theft-by-corpse" swindle, depending on whether you are sane or not) in Santa Barbara, CA, so an arrest warrant has been issued for America's craziest sweethearts. One more won't matter much, eh?

The Daily Beast posted an epic timeline today of their continuing crime spree; here are the latest entries to catch you up on the insanity:

Sept. 19, 2010: Squatting was fun while it lasted for Randy and Evi. A Santa Barbara property owner calls the police on them in September, accusing the couple of living in their former home illegally. The Quaids had trouble parting with the place—Randy carved his initials in the mailbox and the two allegedly hung photos of themselves over the fireplace, breaking a $7,000 mirror in the process, according to TMZ. The couple is arrested on charges of felony residential burglary and the misdemeanor of entering a noncommercial building without consent. Evi, ever eager to one up her husband, receives an additional charge for resisting arrest yet again when Animal Control comes to take the Quaids’ dog, Doji. They are released after posting $50,000 bail.
Sept. 21, 2010: In an early Halloween celebration, Randy and Evi are caught in a fraudulent corpse conspiracy—or so they claim. The couple say they were targeted in the property owner’s scheme to steal their home using the forged signature of dead woman, Ronda Quaid, in 1992 in an effort to transfer ownership to a third party. Randy tells TMZ in the aftermath, "If you don’t stick up for what’s yours and defend what’s yours, then what are you?" Evi, on the other hand, is all about nature—she tells the site’s cameraman she hopes to reclaim her garden and "water the roses."

Oct. 18, 2010: Once again, the Quaids don’t seem too keen on defending what’s theirs, as they fail to show up to a court hearing for their felony burglary charge. The Santa Barbara DA’s office issues a $50,000 warrant for the arrest of each of them, FoxNews reports Tuesday.

I think Joy Division said it best: "Where will it end? Where will it end?"

Separated At Birth?

2010-10-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is Spoon's Britt Daniel starting to resemble crazed actor/maniac/national treasure Gary Busey?

Daniel:

(photo via hindustan times via NME)

Busey:

(image via gawker)

After all, it's not so far-fetched. They are both fair-haired native sons of Texas, both creative artiste types, both favorites of Felt Up (for wildly different reasons), and are both 66 years old. So it stands to reason.

The Right Tuff?

2010-10-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

Please read the previous post to get the full gist of my excitement/confusion over the fact that one of the newest Bravo Housewives (of Beverly Hills) is none other than Kim Richards, child star of Escape to Witch Mountain and later the be-crimped haired star of Tuff Turf, which also starred James Spader as a rebellious anti-hero, "a loner on a roll," "an outsider on the edge," a tennis-racket-wielding, ribbed-pullover-wearing rebel without a cause. Plus Robert Downey, Jr.!

Behold the AWESOME trailer:

I totally want to see this again. I remember watching it in the '80s, but the time is definitely right to revisit Tuff Turf. IMDB describes the plot thusly:

"A street rebel and his gang have trouble understanding themselves and their world."

Dude, I think we can all relate. It's timeless!

Speaking of timeless, I believe she was also in Meatballs, Part 2.

PS
I also just realized Kim Richards was McLean Stevenson's daughter Ruthie on the much-reviled series "Hello, Larry," which also starred R&B singer Ruth Brown (!); then Kim also appeared as the same character, Ruthie, in a "crossover" stunt on "Dif'rent Strokes." It kind of blows your mind, eh?

Here's what else is mind-blowing:

Kim Richards BEFORE:

(image via tv photo galleries)

Kim Richards AFTER:

(image via kerstin alm photography)

It's not age so much as it that every single feature of her face is different.

Escape to Bitch Mountain

2010-10-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

(image via The WOW Report)

OMG. Eek! I had no idea that Kim Richards, one of Paris Hilton's aunts who is on the new show "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," is the same Kim Richards who played "Tia" in Escape to Witch Mountain! If you've seen the promo clips on Bravo, she's the one who says "I was quite famous," and now I believe her! I think the reason I had no inkling it was her is possibly due to the fact that she is ENTIRELY UNRECOGNIZABLE with all the whatnot she's done to her face.

Oh, Escape to Witch Mountain was one of your humble Felt Up blogette's all-time favorite childhood movies, right up there with The Shaggy D.A., The Bad News Bears, and Freaky Friday. (I guess this means The Shaggy D.A. is ripe to be remade as some monstrous CGI-assisted Jim Carrey vehicle, since every single one of the most beloved movies of my youth have been hideously updated, "re-imagined" and destroyed.) I must have seen it a thousand times, plus the sequel Return From Witch Mountain (with villainous Bette Davis and Christopher Lee!) and, naturally, the TV movie Beyond Witch Mountain, which was supposed to turn into a series but never did, which was OK by me, since none of the original cast were in it except for Eddie Albert. I also read the book by Alexander Key. I'm not sure why I was so obsessed with Witch Mountainry, but I was.

Kim Richards was also in the hilariously bad '80s movie Tuff Turf with James Spader, the existence of which I would have totally forgotten about if not for the musings of James St. James over on The Wow Report.

So now I have no choice but to watch "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," so I can weep for the lost youth of both Tia and myself...

Charo!

2010-09-28T13:13:00.001-07:00

(image via guanabee)

Just an awesome picture of Charo for the hell of it.

(Friend of Felt Up Terri R.: Halloween idea!)

Quaids Claim They Are The Victims of a "Dead Person" Scheme. Naturally.

2010-09-21T09:22:00.001-07:00

Soooo....Here's what Randy and Evi Quaid say the deal is with that stealing a house thing they've got going on. They have "exclusively" told TMZ that:

[S]omeone forged the signature of a dead woman named Ronda Quaid on a legal document back in 1992 ... and wrongfully transferred ownership of their house to a third party.

As we previously reported, the Quaids were arrested this past weekend -- for allegedly squatting on the property, located in Santa Barbara.

But the Quaids believe they had every right to be on the property ... and insist they can provide proof of the "dead person" scheme.

Evi says they showed up to the house this past weekend to simply perform two decades worth of cleanup and maintenance ... and also to hang a self-portrait (pictured above) over the fireplace.

We ran into Randy in L.A. yesterday, where he told us he's ready to fight it out in court, saying, "If you don't stick up for what's yours, and defend what's yours ... what are you?"

What are you, indeed?

Wow. Even though I'm quite disappointed that they didn't use a photo for the mantlepiece that incorporated Randy's enormous fur coat, I do think this apparent wedding photo/homage to American Gothic is the next best thing.

As for the "corpse conspiracy" explanation, I, for one, am very much looking forward to a nice, long criminal trial in which all manner of insane Quaid drama can be explored in a court of law. Huzzah!

The Quaids Crisis: More on Their Criminal Squatting Case

2010-09-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

More details on the latest development in the ongoing, possibly never-ending Quaids Crisis!

To recap, famed actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested Saturday and charged with felony residential burglary and misdemeanor entering a noncommercial building without consent after the current owner of a home in Santa Barbara called police to report squatters in his guest house. Apparently the Quaids once owned the house but it has been sold several times since they lived there, and they just kind of showed up and starting camping out there, without the consent of the latest owner. (Oh, and Evi was also charged with resisting arrest). TMZ reports:

[T]he owner of the home sent a realtor to the house after an alarm went off Saturday morning. We're told the realtor found the gate codes had been changed, security cameras had all been moved to face up, and Randy had carved his initials in the mailbox.

When the realtor went inside, we're told he found the place trashed -- dirty dishes in the sink, footprints everywhere and clothes that didn't belong to the owner were hanging in the closet.

The kicker -- the Quaids allegedly broke a $7,000 mirror that had been over the fireplace and, according to our source, replaced it with a photo of themselves.

Genius. Why not put up a photo of your crazy selves over the mantle? Please, oh, please, let the photo include Randy's insanely awesome fur coat!

Given their tendency to hang out in the arty West Texas town of Marfa, I sometimes wonder if the Quaids are living their lives like some kind of extended performance art piece, a la that new Joaquin Phoenix "mockumentary" I'm Still Here, except, you know, without any actual cameras rolling.

This Has All The Makings of An O. Henry Tragi-Comedy

2010-09-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

Somehow I need to either a) come up with $200 to purchase this awesome yarn art Charles Bronson portrait for my mom's Christmas present (she is the original and possibly only Charles Bronson female fanatic).

(image via all the way emporium via regretsy)

I could sell my hair, but then she'd probably just get me a brush for Christmas.

Or I could b) learn how to do yarn art, pronto. How hard could it be? Actually, it looks pretty hard...

The Return of the Quaids Crisis!

2010-09-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

(image via radar online)

Just when you thought it was safe again on the streets of America, Randy and Evi Quaid have gone on yet another weird crime spree. First it was "defrauding an innkeeper." This time, they stole a house.

Apparently they are accused of "squatting" in a home in Santa Barbara, California that they once owned many years ago, which has since changed hands twice. The current owner, who bought the house in 2007, called the police because they have been living in the guest house of his home without paying rent, plus they've somehow managed to cause $5,000 in damage.

According to TMZ, the official charge was "felony residential burglary and entering a noncommercial building without consent, a misdemeanor." Oh, and naturally that nutjob Evi "got slapped with an additional charge -- resisting arrest."

Since they'd been quiet for a while, I was afraid that the Quaids' days of criss-crossing these United States committing bizarro crimes was over. As Radar Online put it:

Randy and Evi Quaid are legends within the Santa Barbara legal system, a reputation that began when they used an invalid credit card to stay at a luxury hotel. They missed several court dates and Evi eventually pleaded no contest to defrauding an innkeeper. She is currently on probation.

They've also had several run-ins with the law in Texas where they also previously owned a home.

If Evi is on probation, then the resisting arrest charge will be pretty tricky to get out of--not to mention the felony burglary charge. But look at the creepy smile on her face in that mugshot--she doesn't have a care in the world. Huzzah! The Quaids are BACK.

Vampires Can't Hug Snoop Dogg*

2010-06-18T11:33:00.001-07:00

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in this totally insanely awesome and somewhat embarrassing video for the brand new Snoop Dogg paen to "True Blood"''s Sookie Stackhouse, "Oh Sookie":

Movieline provided a handy list of some of the best lines in the song:

“Oh Sookie / Come and play on my team / We’ll do it in the daytime / Bill won’t know a thing”

“Sookie / Take this mary jane cookie / and roll with the Dogg / Vampires can’t hug me”

“Try to read my mind / You might get wet”

“Choose big or lose big / I know all the spots / Then order you a gin and juice / at Merlotte’s”

“Sam ain’t a man / He done turned into a bitch”

“See Sookie, you should try some of this / You know I get more [bleep] than your brother”

“Bring your best friend, Tara / I got some real Eggs for her to eat / and these eggs come with a whole lot of cheese and greens” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN)

I also very much liked the line rhyming "true blood" with "true bud." And the dancers dressed like Sookie in her Merlotte's waitress uniform.

Huzzahs all around for Snoop Doggy Dogg and his rather unseemly carnal desire for a fictional character on a cable tv vampire show!

*I watched the video again after the sexy vampire-a-looza last night on HBO (thanks Friends of Felt Up Johnny M. and ReRe M.!) and realized it's actually "vampires can't HOOK Snoop Dogg," but I like it better my way.)

I No Longer Understand The World I Live In

2010-06-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Abandon all hope ye who enter here! First it was the Gulf oil spill disaster and now this unfathomable catastrophe for humankind. Because if this is the best that Padma Lakshmi can do, well, ladies, we might as well all just PACK IT IN:

(image via jezebel)

Yes, that's insanely beautiful Miss Padma from "Top Chef" with horrible ole DAVID SPADE. I know this is a cliche, but I really did just throw up a little bit in my mouth.

Maybe they're not on a date. Maybe he's pitching a new reality show to her called "Calling A Spade A Spade," in which he fights racial intolerance using "comedy" at Texas Hold 'Em poker tournaments while wearing a fedora and extremely terrible facial hair. That seems more likely, right?

Nay Nay To NeNe's New Face

2010-05-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, NeNe. NeNe, NeNe, NeNe--what have you done to yourself? You may have been a tad over the top and perhaps a smidge self-obsessed, and maybe just a bit two-faced, and possibly a wee bit insane, but you were my favorite "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star (after Kim's wigs), and you were so much prettier than that horrid Sheree. See how you used to look? What was wrong with it?

(image via untamedmedia)

Now look at what you've gone and done:

(image via theyoungblackandfabulous)

That's NeNe in the MIDDLE, ya'll! It's a tragedy. Maybe not Jennifer Grey-level nosejob tragedy, but tragic nonetheless. Why do people insist on changing their entire appearance for the worse? It's like, "the other Housewives made jokes about my weight so I'll chop off my nose and that'll show 'em!"

No, no NeNe. Ixnay on the ewnay osenay, NeNe.

Fun Facts From Felt Up

2010-05-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

According to this article in the New York Times about short people, Prince and Danny DeVito are the same height (5' 2"), and they are both taller than George Stephanopoulos (height is not given but let's just say it's tiny' wee").

Here's a handy photo collage to illustrate (Jim Carrey and some woman who is Courtney Love or possibly Melanie Griffith or Death Itself are there for scale):

Discuss.

Finally!

2010-04-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

Our long national nightmare is over.

Quaids Free on Bail

2010-04-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

Somehow, Randy and Evi Quaid scraped together the money and posted bail, so the Quaids are officially on the LOOSE, free to wander among us. I predict shenanigans!

Here are their mug shots:

(image via CBS News)

I have to admit, they look pretty spunky for two insane jailbird alleged inn-defrauders.

QUAIDS IN COOLER!

2010-04-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

(image via radaronline.com)

Radar Online reports that formerly-on-the-lam crazies Randy and Evi Quaid are currently behind bars, after dragging themselves into a Santa Barbara courthouse to face defrauding an innkeeper charges:

Randy and Evi Quaid finally decided to show up to court on Monday, and when they did they were thrown in jail, RadarOnline.com learned exclusively.

We spoke to Santa Barbara District Attorney Arnie Tolks who told us that the Quaids arrived at court Monday morning with their attorney Robert Sanger and a bail bondsman. They went before judge Frank Ochoa and their attorney attempted to reinstate their old bail.
DA Tolks told RadarOnline.com: "The court was angry. Judge Ochoa told the Quaids that he felt they'd been disrespectful and brought up the last time they came to court flashing their Golden Globe award. The Quaids apologized and told him that they didn’t mean to be disrespectful."

Apparently their apologies didn’t work. The judge remanded them to custody and set bail at $100,000. He did give them a slight break by granting the Quaids a credit of $20,000 based on the bail they previously paid.

So that means the Quaids have to come up with $80,000. If they don’t, they stay in jail. Their next mandatory hearing is set for Wednesday.

"They have been ordered to court on Wednesday for a bail hearing and preliminary hearing setting," Tolks said.

A warrant was issued for their arrest after their last failure to show up in court. They are facing charged of defrauding an Inn keeper after allegedly running out on a large bill from a hotel.

The Quaids' saga has gotten stranger and stranger, with both espousing conspiracy theories and other off-the-wall rants while dealing with the legal system.

Sadly, I am fairly certain that Randy Quaid does not have $80,000 lying around his outlaw rented Mercedes to pay for all this legal crapola. Maybe he could hock that Golden Globe?

In the mean time, he better pray that he and Evi GET SEPARATE CELLS! She will set him on fire before swallowing her hidden cyanide pill, probably. I mean, it seems plausible.

O how and where shall this tale end?

Fear and Loathing On The Quaids' Trail 2010

2010-04-18T23:17:00.001-07:00

(image via The Daily Beast)

Whoa. The Daily Beast has a super in-depth analysis of the complete and utter insanity that is "Hollywood's Nightmare Couple," AKA The QUAIDS, and it is a DOOZY. Some of this stuff we've gone over before on Felt Up, but I think a refresher is in order, because there's a lot to process.

Here is the reporter, Diane Dimond, describing the couple's arrest last week near Marfa, Texas by sheriff's deputy James Davis, before they went on the lam:

But the 6-foot-4 actor [Randy Quaid], now sporting a full Santa Claus-like beard, was subdued in comparison to his diminutive wife. “It was a psychotic episode with her,” Davis says. “Evi was slapping at and pulling at officers, not really assaulting but resisting full on ... fussing and fuming. I finally got a hold of her, put her down on the hood of the car and put the cuffs on behind her back.” Randy, apparently realizing the severity of the situation, tried to help officers get his wife to calm down.
After the Quaids were booked and photographed, deputies drove them to the bank to withdraw money for their $20,000 bond because, “Frankly, we didn’t want them in our jail overnight.”

Perhaps the strangest part of last week’s incident was that it wasn’t that strange. Davis, for one, had witnessed her act before: “I’ve had a few episodes in the past with her when she shows up screaming at [Marfa city] council meetings. I get called in to keep the peace when she’s around.” And the couple has recently left behind a trail of allegedly unpaid bills, from ritzy hotels to trailer parks, accountants to private detectives, the latter hired to exact revenge on several enemies and to help figure out, in the words of P.I. Becky Altringer, “who was trying to kill them.”

Dimond notes that Evi is "a former nude model for Helmut Newton (huzzah!), which is news to me. I thought she just arrived in the world, fully formed, as The Nutso Wife of Randy Quaid.

The article goes into detail about the Quaids' downward, wacko spiral, which seems to stem from Randy's lifetime banishment from the Actors' Equity union after an entire play's worth of cast and crew complained about the Quaids' bizarre behavior and harrassment:

Two weeks later, the Quaids appeared at union headquarters in Los Angeles and Evi allegedly screamed at employees and physically attacked a 76-year-old receptionist, according to several restraining orders later filed against Evi by Actors' Equity employees. Evi would later say it was all a “despicable lie” from members of a “corrupt union.”

The union expulsion made it difficult for Randy to earn a living; Evi, was, of course, acting as Randy's manager and proceeded to go on a paranoid rampage involving delusions of Mob involvement in a plot to murder the Quaids, credit card fraud, Demerol, and the hiring of private eye Becky Altringer:

Evi filmed her run-in at the union offices with her ever-present handheld camera. Altringer says she was shown the video during a meeting this June at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills at which time the Quaids hired her to get information on those who’d taken out the restraining orders. After the Quaids’ stay at that luxury hotel, the bill was paid with a credit card in the name of “Janet Cross.” Altringer says Evi gave her that card to use for dinner and it was declined.

Altringer quickly got sucked into the Quaids’ strange world. She says they insisted that a former business manager had taken out a million-dollar life-insurance policy on Randy and had hired “the Mob” to kill both Quaids to collect the payout. It was to be staged to look like a murder/suicide, Evi explained, and Altringer’s job was to help identify the “killers.”

Altringer says she witnessed Evi Quaid self-medicating with Demerol three times a day. "She told me she snorted it in her left nostril so it would go right to her brain to cure her migraines. I saw her do this myself. She also … believed [Michael] Jackson was murdered along with Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine, Natasha Richardson, and other stars who (had been) in movies with Randy.”

Altringer says she was instructed by Evi to run a check on several license plate numbers from the funeral of David Carradine. The Quaids were certain the drivers were the “killers.” The plates came back as employees of Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Dude, how awesome is it that Evi Quaid believes there is a conspiracy to murder every actor who ever worked with Randy Quaid? Does this mean Chevy Chase is next on the hit list?

Apparently the couple owes money all over the place, including unpaid bills at fancy hotels, the Mickey Fine Pharmacy in Beverly Hills, a former business manager who is owed $85,000, a friend who says the couple stole antiques from her house after she refused to lend them money, and they kept a rented Mercedes so long the rental company almost declared it stolen ("Evi writes that they abandoned the Mercedes because they feared a bugging device had been installed"--naturellement).

But wait, there's more:

Such seemingly paranoid behavior was on display again this past Friday. At 9:23 am, about 12 hours after the couple was released from jail, Evi Quaid turned up at Marfa, Texas’ rival police department and filed a complaint against Sheriff's Deputy Davis. In a tightly scrawled handwritten grievance she wrote that Davis was part of a plot with the Stagehands’ Union and their former business manager who had been “attempting to acquire our assets illegally by creating false evidence.” She didn’t stop there. Evi then rolled up to the sheriff’s office with a moving truck on which she’d hand painted a sign that read, "Deputy James Davis takes payments ... call & make offers."

Well, on this point I have to admit that it does make a lot of sense that the Marfa, TX police department would be in cahoots with the Stagehands' Union and Randy Quaid's former business manager to steal the assets of a couple who declared banktruptcy in 2000 and are wanted for unpaid bills throughout these United States. She does have a good point, there, I'll give her that.

Oh, and this would make me sleep just great at night if I was Randy Quaid:

Altringer says during the month she worked for the Quaids, Evi told her on an almost daily basis that she and Randy were “going to end up like Phil and Bryn Hartman”–a reference to Saturday Night Live Star Phil Hartman who was shot dead in his bed by his drug-plagued wife Bryn, who then killed herself. The private investigator, whose firm, Aerial Investigations, is owed $17,000 by the Quaids, says she worries Evi’s premonition might come true.

AAAAAAAAAAAH! This is going to end BADLY, I predict. Randy Quaid: Run for your life! Get as far away from this crazy lady as you can! Run, Randy, RUN!

QUAIDS ON THE LAM!

2010-04-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

(image via People)

There is a warrant out for the arrest of Randy and Evi Quaid, after they failed to show up for the umpteenth time for their court appearance in Santa Barbara on "defrauding an innkeeper" charges. According to People Magazine:

Randy and Evi Quaid have run out of chances.

After skipping two court dates this week for felony charges in Santa Barbara, Calif., they went on the lam again and are wanted by the state of California as fugitives.

"If they're picked up in California, they will be put in jail," Santa Barbara Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter tells PEOPLE. "They cannot be released on bail until they come back here and a judge [agrees to] set bail for them."

The Quaids have missed several court dates since they were first charged with defrauding an innkeeper after allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 luxury hotel bill last June. But they have always avoided jail by posting bond, promising time and again to show up, and hiring a succession of lawyers to assure the court they'd appear.

Carter says the couple's own lawyer, Robert Sanger, was assured by the Quaids they'd show up on Tuesday. (Sanger did not respond for comment).

When the couple failed to show, the judge issued a no-bail warrant.

"The warrant will go nationwide," Carter says. "Anyone out there that comes in contact with them can pick up our warrant and start their own felony fugitive case."

Do you hear that, people? D.A. Carter is practically ordering all Americans to hunt down Randy Quaid and his wife and make a citizen's arrest of these outlaws! It's open season--let the Quaid hunt begin!

I'll hit the fur coat and beard-trimmer stores, you head for the Sunglass Hut and the pawn shops--keep an eye out for a 1987 Golden Globe!

Famous Last Words

2010-04-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

So apparently Malcolm McLaren's last words were "Free Leonard Peltier," which, on the whole, I think is kind of awesome, whatever your beliefs about Peltier. Controversial, topical, retro, out-of-left-field, silly and serious at the same time--everything your final words should be. (Also great: Jack Donaghey's premature deathbed confession on "30 Rock": "I wish I'd worked more.")

What would I like my last words to be? Hard to say. Right now I'm leaning towards "Free Pie." But I have given some thought to how I'd like my funeral to play out. Basically, I'd want to maximize what I can only assume will be tremendous--nay, even hysterical--grief that will be pouring out of my mourners. So in order to get the most waterworks out of everyone in attendance, I would like to play the following songs as my ashes are laid to rest (perhaps in a corgi-shaped urn):

1) "In My Life" by The Beatles. Makes me cry practically every time, and I would hope a funereal setting would only intensify the sadness.

2) "Total Eclipse of the Heart," by Miss Bonnie Tyler. Humorous, quasi-ironic, also known to my friends as my karoake jam of choice. Wry chuckles tinged with tears--a nice break in the frenzy of grieving that will surely be on display. (And a better choice than my other karaoke go-to, "I Will Survive," for obvious reasons.)

Of course it goes without saying that during all this there will be a montage of highly Photoshopped/flattering photos of my heyday (circa 1978-99) on a posterboard display, perhaps with glitter; many, many heartfelt and emotional tributes from my friends and family; a diruptive and some might say distasteful speech by Sasheen Littlefeather rejecting my funeral on the grounds that until Native Americans are treated fairly by the gossip indrusty, the whole event is a farce; a sweet note and giant spray of flowers in the shape of cha-cha heels sent by John Waters, out of his deep and longlasting (if silent and uncommunicated) love and respect for my writing; and then the kicker:

3) "Amazing Grace" played softly by a lone kilted bagpiper. It totally kills me whenever it's played at a fire or policeman's funeral, and should be the coup de grace for a final Felt Up farewell. Cue tears!

Then, naturally, free pie for everyone. To relieve the tortuous, unbearable pain.

And SCENE.

Steven's Sex Gall? (Updated!)

2010-04-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

(image via RadarOnline)

Wow. Just--wow. From Radar Online:

1990s martial arts actor Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual harassment and illegal trafficking of females for sex.

The lawsuit was brought by his former personal assistant, Kayden Nguyen, who is a 23-year-old former model.

The legal documents say Seagal “treated Ms. Nguyen as his sex toy.”

Nguyen is suing for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representation about employment.

The document also claims that “Mr. Seagal has been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

But Seagal’s top-notch lawyer Marty Singer fired back in ferocious manner. He released this statement to RadarOnline.com:

“The lawsuit filed by Kayden Nguyen against Steven Seagal is a ridiculous and absurd claim by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired. The claims in her lawsuit are a complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth..."
Nguyen claims that she was required “to watch as “Sasha” (Russian attendant) and Mr. Seagal performed sex acts on each other.”

Seagal was working as a Reserve Deputy Chief of the Sheriff's Office in the community of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, something he documented in his A & E reality TV show Steven Seagal: Lawman.

He used Craigslist to hire an executive/personal assistant who could also be on his reality show.

Nguyen was hired in Los Angeles, but then flown to New Orleans to live in Seagal’s house for the show.

On her first night of work, Seagal allegedly engaged in physical and sexual assault by “pushing his hands under her shirt and attemping to fondle her bare breast,” and “forcing her head against his bare chest.”

Then she claims the next morning things got even worse. He allegedly “forcibly held her legs apart.” Then “forced his hand down her pants…” The document goes into graphic detail that isn’t suitable for all audiences.
Then the suit alleges a third physical assault took place a few hours later, where “Seagal forcibly lifted Ms. Nguyen’s blouse, forced his head on her bare chest and attempted to suck her breasts and nipples. He stopped only when she ran.”

After only a few days of work, Nguyen left the house on Sunday, February 28, 2010.

Seagal, who practices Tibetan Buddhism, has six children from three different mothers. In addition Seagal plays the role of guardian to a Tibetan child, Yabshi Pan Rinzinwangmo. Rinzinwangmo, or "Renji", who is the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet. Renji studied in the United States at American University, and Seagal was her guardian and bodyguard.

Nguyen is suing for damages in excess of $1 million. She’s also calling for a jury trial.

If you enjoy salacious legal documents that "aren't suitable for all audiences" (and who doesn't?), then I highly recommend downloading this PDF file: EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS: Steven Seagal Court Documents, which is chock full of juicy details and is scintillating reading.

I don't know what to say about this case except, a) if true, it doesn't surprise me in the least and b) who knew Stevie has a Tibetan Lama as a ward? (Which also doesn't surprise me in the least.) With a name like Seagal, how could he be anything but the true mysterious mystic, martial artiste, and sage that he is? If there were any justice in the world, he would one day be the Dalai Lama. Once he gets this whole sex slave thing straightened out, of course.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Kayden Nguyen was on "The Tyra Banks Show" a year ago claiming to be "a lipstick lesbian" who could "trick" men:

Back in 2009, Kayden Nguyen appeared in an episode titled "The Gay Kingdom" -- in which she bragged, "I can use my sex appeal to get any girl that I want and trick any guy to getting what I want."

As TMZ first reported, Kayden filed a lawsuit against Seagal claiming she took a job as his executive assistant ... but was instead treated like a sex servant.

Kayden's episode was taped on January 29, 2009 -- roughly one year before her alleged sexual encounters with Steven Seagal.

Hmmm...this doesn't necessarily prove that her allegations are made up, but it certainly doesn't help make her case. I predict this whole thing will never even make it to court, which would be a huge loss for ALL of us. I was really looking forward to Steven Seagal having to face a brutal cross-examination about his spray-on ponytail...

Getting The Damn Bullet Back: The New Billy Joe Shaver Album Title?

2010-04-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

Well, Billy Joe Shaver was found not guilty of aggravated assault on Friday, and here are some highlights.

First up, when Shaver took the stand in his defense, he said he feared for his life when Billy Coker (the man Shaver shot in the face) stirred his drink with a knife and then asked Shaver to step outside:

During cross-examination, prosecutor Beth Toben tried to use Shaver's outlaw image against him.
She suggested that he could have just left the bar if he had felt so intimidated.
That would have been "chicken shit," Shaver replied.

You can't argue with that, now can you?

After his aquittal, Billy Joes was clearly very contrite:

“I am very sorry about the incident,” Shaver said while standing in front of the McLennan County Courthouse. “Hopefully things will work out where we become friends.”

Hours later, at a gig at the Firehouse Saloon in Houston, Shaver had a different message for Coker, according to a video taken that night and posted on Youtube by TotalEBitchinNetwork.

“They asked me… what are you going to do about that boy you shot,” Shaver told a jovial crowd. “I said I’m getting the damn bullet back.

We got some more details about the damage to Coker's mustache:

According to testimony, Shaver used a tiny .22 caliber gun to shoot Coker. Coker testified that the bullet entered through his “mustache area,” knocked out a tooth and a crown and ripped through his mouth before lodging in the back of his neck. He has mostly recovered, he said.

Then as soon as the trial was over, Shaver, his band, Dale Watson, Robert Duvall, and Willie Nelson made a beeline for a night club in Houston for a scheduled performance:

After bantering with the crowd to start the Firehouse Saloon gig, Shaver, 70, launched into his “Georgia on a Fast Train,” which featured members of his band playing like they had been cooped up in a courtroom all week. Members of Shaver’s band sat through some of the trial, along with Willie Nelson and actor Robert Duval.

Later in the show, according to the Culture Map Houston Web site, Austin’s Dale Watson joined Shaver on stage. Together they performed “You Asked Me To,” a song written by Shaver and once covered by Elvis Presley. Next, Watson played his song “Where Do You Want It,” which is what several witnesses said Shaver said before shooting Coker on March 31, 2007 at Papa Joe’s Texas Saloon in Lorena, about 15 miles south of Waco.

And that is that. Are there any lessons to be learned from this? I think one thing we would all do well to remember: If the bar is out of stirrers, use a straw.

Stars Show Shaver Support

2010-04-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

The Billy Joe Shaver "shot a guy in the face" trial continued today in beautiful Waco, Texas, and there were movie and music stars and "feisty" doctors in attendance!

Michael Corcoran, the music writer for the Austin American-Statesman, posted this report today:

Willie Nelson and Robert Duvall showed their deep friendship for Billy Joe Shaver, who is accused of aggravated assault for shooting Billy Coker in the face March 31, 2007, in Lorena, by sitting through about three hours of deadly dull proceedings Thursday in Waco.

“Hey, I want you to meet my bail bondsman,” Shaver said during one break, introducing Duvall to one of the people who packed the 90-capacity McLennan County courtroom. Photographers waited three deep outside the courtroom doors as the celebrities exited for lunch break.

Shaver, wearing a Texas flag tie and the same brown jacket he wore opening day, is expected to take the stand this afternoon after the prosecution calls its last witness...

Dr. Scott Peterson, the trauma specialist who treated Billy Coker after he was shot outside Papa Joe’s bar in Lorena, 15 miles south of Waco, was a somewhat feisty witness when questioned by Billy Joe Shaver’s attorney Dick DeGuerin, who hammered away at Coker’s admission to Hillcrest Hospital staff that he “drinks quite a bit of alcohol every day.”

Asked if Coker seemed drunk the night of the March 31, 2007 shooting, Peterson said “everybody I see is on drugs and alcohol,” then adjusted the total to 85% of the people he treats.

When DeGuerin tried to establish a bullet path that suggested Coker was crouched and charging Shaver when he was shot, Peterson said he wasn’t a bullet specialist. “You know about powder burns, don’t you?” DeGuerin asked, to which Peterson replied, “yeah, from ‘CSI.’”
Coker spent just a day in the hospital before being discharged.

I love that the trauma doctor said that "everyone" he treats is on drugs or alcohol. Or at least 85%. Feisty, indeed. Actually, the whole trial seems pretty feisty, as far as trials go. It's pretty feisty to call Willie Nelson and Robert Duvall as character witnesses, that's for sure. Why, this is probably the most excitement they've had in Waco law enforcement since...well, never mind.

Oh, and I hereby add Robert Duvall to my shortlist of "Where Do Want It: The Billy Joe Shaver Story" leading actor contenders:

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

The Ballad of Billy Joe

2010-04-07T17:26:00.001-07:00

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

Is anyone besides me following the Billy Joe Shaver trial in fabulous Waco, Texas? It's pretty fascinating stuff.

Billy Joe is a not-very-well-known-outside-of-Texas country-ish singer-songwriter (whose songs have been covered by Bob Dylan, Elvis, and Waylon Jennings) whose persona is that of the extreme crusty ole outlaw who has seen pain and suffering you can't even imagine. He is accused of shooting some guy in the face in a bar called Papa Joe's near Waco. The case involves a knife being used to stir a drink, Billy Joe allegedly asking the victim "Where do want it?" (ie, the bullet about to enter his body), a suicide, a woman (of course), and flamboyantly folksy defense attorney Dick DeGuerin, whose former clients include David Kuresh, Tom DeLay, and Kay Baily Hutchinson. DeGuerin already brought people in the courtroom to tears by telling a prospective juror and Iraq veteran something about him being the reason they "are all here," by which he meant an assault-with-a-deadly-weapon trial. His legal strategy includes such statements as "put yourself in Billy Joe's boots."

If I were casting "Where Do You Want It: The Billy Joe Shaver Story," I would put David Carradine in the title role, but unfortunately, as we all know, Mr. Carradine died in an auto-eroric-asphyxiation tragedy in Thailand. Perhaps that awesome guy from Kill Bill who was not David Carradine, the one who played both the sheriff and the Mexican pimp? Michael Parks. He could do it.

Anyway, the victim survived and now has a bullet lodged in his neck.

My favorite story from the jury selection proceedings: One lady said she'd never heard of Billy Joe and couldn't care less, but claimed she wasn't "being tacky." Billy Joe was seen to mutter "ditto" under his breath.

The whole story is already legendary; here's the Dale Watson song about the case called "The Ballad of Billy Joe":

Culpability

2010-03-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Let us bid adieu to Mr. Robert Culp: star of television and screen, civil rights activist, Corgi-lover.

Yes, that's right. Friend of Felt Up Shazza C. sent in this photo of my new favorite recently-dead star, Robert Culp and his two Corgis wearing funny visors:

Sir, I did not know you, but you had excellent taste in pups. RIP.

No Other Val Dude Can Touch Him

2010-03-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

(image via Austin American-Statesman)

Val Kilmer (who was in Austin for the SWSW Film Festival premiere of MacGruber) keeps growing in my esteem. He is awesome. Just look at him! He keeps on getting nuttier and nuttier. He's practically the Grand Poobah of New Mexico, clearly doesn't give a fig about his appearance, and was genius in Real Genius. He plays the villain in MacGruber, which gives me hope that it might be a funny movie.

Looking the way he does, he should totally play the Ronnie Van Zandt role in the upcoming (in my mind) Lynyrd Skynyrd biopic We Died So That Kid Rock May Flourish. Alternatively, he could play the lead in the Lifetime movie I Rhyme Diabetes With Why A Beat Us: The Bret Michaels Story. On the other hand, he kind of has a Vince Neil vibe going, too. Oh, hell, just insert the overweight aging/and/or dead rocker of your choice...

Kill Il 2

2010-03-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Jesus. I can't decide who Quentin Tarantino is starting to resemble more:

(image via ny times)

Bubba Ho-Tep?

(image via all movie photo)

Or Kim Jong Il as "Team America" puppet?

(image via gawker)

Perhaps a bit of both.

WTF Non-News Story of The Day

2010-03-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

Well, gee. I hadn't realized that the late Corey Haim had a new girlfriend before he died, and that that girlfriend was DAISY DE LA HOYA FROM "DAISY OF LOVE" AND "ROCK OF LOVE"!

(image via eonline)

According to E Online, Daisy was a Lost Boys fan (of course) and is dealing with her grief via Twitter (naturally):

Things appeared to be looking up for Corey Haim when he died.

Not only did the fallen 38-year-old actor have eight film projects in the works, but he also had a new love interest who wanted to rescue him from substance abuse.

After being introduced by Corey Feldman shortly before Haim died, he began dating 27-year-old Daisy de la Hoya, the star of VH1 reality show Daisy of Love…

"I'm sooooooo devastated right now," de la Hoya tweeted this morning. "This is the worst day ever I can't believe this."

The romance between the two was very new. "Daisy loved The Lost Boys, and she always had a crush on Corey," a source close to De la Hoya tells us. "Their first official date was two weeks ago, but they'd been hanging out a little while before that. Corey invited her to the Playboy Mansion. Corey Feldman came, too."

De la Hoya apparently wanted to help Haim with his struggles. "Daisy knew Corey was doing a lot of drugs—especially prescription meds," our source says. "She thought he was kind and talented, and she wanted to rescue him. She became his confidant over the last few weeks. He told her a lot."

Although their relationship was new, De la Hoya was already excited about where things could lead. "They weren't in an exclusive relationship, but they were having a lot of fun getting to know each other and seeing what would happen," our source says. "Corey told Daisy she is a beautiful person with a beautiful heart."

A rep for De la Hoya tells us she was "bawling and inconsolable" when she heard the news about Haim's tragic death this morning.

De la Hoya also tweeted, "Why do I always fall for the lost soul? We could of been lost together, now your lost forever.... Ill miss you."

Since Miss La Hoya is in the midst of mourning, I will refrain from correcting her grammar (sorry, I can't stand it--it's "could HAVE been lost together," dear).

What a strange, sad, crazy world we live in!

Which Scary Skull Looked Worse?

2010-03-10T09:45:00.001-08:00

In order to get our minds off the tragic, if not all that surprising death of Corey Haim, lets play another edition of the game called Who Looked Worse?

For this very special Oscar Edition, let's take a looksee at Ms. Sarah Jessica Parker:

(image via national post)

In my humble opinion, she is too orange, too squinty, too thin, and her hair is reminiscent of Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula (what is this, a new trend? Wampyre hair is sweeping Los Angeles, apparently!).

Now, compare and contrast with Miss Suzy Amis-- actress, fifth wife of James Cameron, death head:

(image via el espectador) The new "American Gothic"?

Granted, she is 48 years old, a tad older than SJP (three years), but is similarly skeletal and just plain frightening to behold. When you search "Suzy Amis Oscars" on Google, things like "How old is Suzy Amis?" and "Who was that old lady with James Cameron?" and "Was that James Cameron's mother?" come back, which is sad. She needs a) blush and b) food.

Quick review:

Orange squinty skull in Chanel sack dress:

(image via fabsugar)

Vs. pale, elderly skull in eco-Nav'i dress:

(image via nj.com)

WHO LOOKED WORSE? Leave your answers in the comment box, please.

Quaid Quimespree?

2010-03-02T08:00:00.001-08:00

There's good news and bad news in the continuing Quaids Crisis. The bad news is: Randy's gray hair and olden-timey mountain man beard that I posted about earlier were actually from a court appearance in December, not the one that took place this week. He is currently sporting leprauchan-ish orange hair and no beard. Boooooo. Booooooo, Randy Quaid, booooooo!

(image via Radar Online)

The good news, at least for us, is that while in court the Quaids were served with papers for three--count 'em three--new lawsuits! Huzzah! Quaid Court will be in session for a good, long time. According to Radar Online:

A source tells RadarOnline.com that just prior to the hearing a process server appeared and served the couple with three separate lawsuits, prompting Evi to almost lose her cool.
“The process server walked up to them and Evi told her to get away from her,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “She was pi**ed. So the server went up to the bailiff and the bailiff walked over to them and told them they had to take the paperwork.”

The lawsuits were filed by the Quaid’s former private investigator, Becky Altringer, RadarOnline.com has confirmed. We spoke to Altringer who told us, “I’m just so happy because for so long I haven’t been able to find them.”

Altringer said she is suing the couple for $17,200, which includes damages to the mobile home she says they trashed as well as money Altringer says the Quaids never paid her.

Let me get this straight: The Quaids hired a private investigator, wrecked her trailer (were they living in it? was it a party pad?) and then disappeared so that she couldn't track them down. First of all: Awesome. Secondly, how good a P.I. could she be? It's RANDY QUAID running around with a Golden Globe and a fur coat and a crazy wife, for God's sake.

And the saga goes on.

I Was Told There Would Be THREE Cupcakes

2010-03-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

Say what you will about Miss Kirstie Alley (personally, I go back and forth between admiring her chutzpah and loathing the very core of her being, it just kind of depends on my mood) but she has excellent taste in dogs:

(image via Janet Charlton)

I know that look.

The Continuing QUAIDS Crisis

2010-03-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

It has been quiet--too quiet--on the Quaids front of late, but thankfully, nutty nutballs Randy and Evi finally showed up in California for their defrauding-an-innkeeper court case. And to bolster their ironclad case they brought Randy's 1988 Golden Globe for "LBJ:The Early Years," according to TMZ, as a "witness."

Also in attendance in the courtroom: Randy's awesome new BEARD:

(image via TMZ)

I'm really liking this new look (he apparently stopped dying his hair, and it's a huge improvement). He kind of has a Hatfield/McCoy-funeral-goer, moonshine-runner-dressed-up-for-an-interrogation-by-the-Revenuers look about him that is very appealing.

As for Evi, I hereby nominate her to play the lead in the Lifetime movie A Shot At Tenure: The Amy Bishop Story. Just put a bob wig on her et voila! You got a second Golden Globe to be your character witness...

The Shots Heard 'Round The World

2010-02-19T10:11:00.001-08:00

Ha ha ha ha hahahahah! Remember the recent incident involving Mitt Romney getting punched by an unruly passenger on an airplane who didn't want to raise his seat back before takeoff? It turns out the guy who took a swing at Romney was none other than Mr. Sky Blu, of the genius rap group LMFAO--the ones who do the totally and completely awesome song "Shots" (SHOTS! SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS! SHOTS!) that is often featured as the theme song for "The Jersey Shore" (!).

TMZ reports that:

It all went down shortly after the two parties boarded a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles on Monday.

According to a video confessional from LMFAO's Sky Blu, it all started when he leaned his seat back while the plane was still on the tarmac ... and Romney, who was sitting behind him, started yelling at him to put his seat back up.

Sky Blu claims Romney then reached forward and grabbed his shoulder ... so he slapped the Presidential wannabeen's hand away. Shortly after, authorities boarded the plane and escorted Sky Blu off the flight... and the other member of LMFAO got it all on tape.

On Tuesday, Romney's spokesperson said Sky Blu became "physically violent" when asked to put his seat up ... but the spokesperson never mentioned whether or not Romney puts his hands on him.

Sky (a Democrat) says it was an "unfortunate situation" and he's sure Mitt (a Republican) is a "nice guy" ... but not someone he'd vote for.

What does it all mean? I don't know. When I first heard about this incident, I was on Rommey's side, because nothing makes me madder than disobeying airplane rules, especially the seat-back-must-be-up-during-takeoff-and-landing one. But now it seems, just like the movie I want to see that no one will watch with me, that It's Complicated. See the video from Sky Blu here (w/ commercial and TMZ-ery) here.

And here is the party rock anthem that is sweeping America, "Shots," featuring Lil Jon:

Trouble In Guido Paradise?

2010-02-17T17:05:00.001-08:00

(image via hollywoodlife.com)

Both Janet Charlton and Radar Online are reporting that America's sweethearts, ie Ronnie-n-Sammi from "Jersey Shore," are not only not dating anymore, they can't bear to be in the same place at the same time! Radar quotes Ronnie as saying "I cut girls quicker than barbers do."

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Janet says:

The second season of “Jersey Shore” just got WAY more interesting. When the finale aired, Ronnie Magro and Sammi Giancola seemed to have an awkward fight, but nobody was sure if it was for real. Apparently it WAS for real, and their relationship has gone downhill since then. Not only are they not dating, but they can’t STAND to be in the same room together. That means they’re losing money on personal appearances because they don’t want to see each other. It also means there will be plenty of tension in the South Beach house when the gang gets together in Miami this Spring.

I'm not sure exactly which awkward fight Janet is referring to, since they had approximately 50 per episode (not to mention a big weird one during the reunion show after they showed "never before aired" footage of Sammi engaging in some mild canoodling with The Situation), but I am holding out hope that TRUE LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL! DOWN WITH HATERS! Ronnie + Sammie=4Evah!

Because You Know You Want To See More JOAN

2010-02-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Here's some more of "Mad Men"'s Joan, aka Christina Hendricks, from her New York magazine cover interview:

Va va VOOM!

Although that hair braid is kind of gross, now that I really look at it.

Don't Say Felt Up Never Gave You Anything

2010-02-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

You're welcome.

Real Orange Housewives

2010-02-13T20:26:00.001-08:00

Awful Plastic Surgery just posted this photo of Tamra from "The Real Housewives of Orange County," who is in the midst of a divorce and has apparently decided to "rejuvenate" her face:

Besides being a paler shade of orange, the Botoxed forehead and lifted face have left her barely recognizable (to the crazy fanatics like me who even know who the hell she is, of course).

On the upside, her new look kind of has a Gary Oldman-in-"Bram Stoker's Dracula"-vibe and that's always a good thing.

Snookin' For Love In All The Wrong Places

2010-02-12T11:40:00.000-08:00

NakedSnooki.com

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

2010-02-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

Dude, this shriveled being who looks like a gnarled up retired '70s porn star:

Is DEBBIE GIBSON!

Yes, despite all evidence to the contrary, this is actually not "an Uma Thurman doll that was left too close to the fire and melted," as Felt Up icon James St. James noted over at the WOW Report.

Related: I am officially an Old.

Kat Von D Has Indeed Managed To Spite Her Own Face

2010-01-27T21:17:00.000-08:00

So here's what "LA Ink" reality star/former fiancee of Orby Orbison/current flame of Nikki Six Ms. Kat Von D used to look like:

Pretty! Attractive! Of course, god only knows what she looked like in her youth--oh wait, here we go:

She's in the red gingham top (I thought that should be mentioned, since she is UNRECOGNIZABLE!). Cute! Fetching!

So what does La Von D look like now, you ask? Like Marisa Tomei with a partially paralyzed tattooed face:

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Not only does she not look herself anymore, her nose is way too small for her face. Look at the gap between her nose and her upper lip! Also, she's kind of got a Stepford Wives creepy robotic stare going on. All and all--she is FREAKING ME OUT.

Another Year, Another Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day!

2010-01-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

If you need any proof that 2010 is going to be the SEXIEST year ever, well just FEAST your eyes on these scintillating beach photos of one Miss Rachel Zoe frolicking in St. Bart's:

(photos via the WOW Report via JustJared)

Looks like "not making food a priority" has really paid off for Rachel--in HOTTNESS.

Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Danzig

2009-11-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

Wowza. The Fun Fun Fun Festival was last weekend here in Austin, and the American-Statesman has this newsflash about headliner Danzig and his extremely devoted fandom:

This communique and photo from Transmission Entertainment honcho Graham Williams, fresh from this weekend’s Fun Fun Fun Fest, gets today’s Needs No Setup or Intro award. Take it away, sir:

Hello my friends…. This was too unreal and kinda hilarious to keep on my computer as wallpaper, so here is the photographic evidence, but last night at the end of Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, some girl definitely DID run up to the stage and pour her dead friend’s ashes on the spot where Glen Danzig was standing on stage, as “this was her last dying wish.” No disrespect to any of the awesome bands that played my festival, but I didn’t see anyone do that when Kevin Barnes left the Of Montreal stage. I’m just saying…some people have a special kind of fan. I think I DID see a dreadlock fly by GZA during “Liquid Swords,” but I digress….
Weirder still is that it’s probably an even money bet that this type of thing has happened to Danzig more than once before.

OK, Felt Up has a few questions:

1) Who was this awesome girl and what did she die of? Sure, it's none of my business, but that's beside the point.

2) What was Danzig's reaction? Or had he already left the stage? Does this happen so often that he has an "ash technician"?

3) Why didn't she pour the ashes ON Danzig himself?

4) Who is going to pour your humble Felt Up blogette's ashes on Liza Minelli?

Felt Up EXCLUSIVE! Fresh News From the Quaids Frontline

2009-11-04T21:51:00.001-08:00

(image via aarontodd)

Except for a recent wee tidbit about crazy old Randy Quaid and his nutso wife Evi getting unsuccessfully extradited from Texas to California to face "defrauding an innkeeper" charges, there has been a woeful lack of Quaids Crisis news of late. There has been such a dearth that I have been forced to read about crap like this.

So imagine my delight when a) a little bird sent me this super-hot tip from deep in the heart of Crazy Quaidsville, USA and b) I realized that I could say the phrase "Felt Up can report EXCLUSIVELY" that a mutual friend of mine and the bird just returned from Marfa, Texas and filed this urgent report:

Got to Marfa on Friday, saw Randy Quaid almost immediately. They are currently remodeling a building on main street and are in a war with the other owners. Literally, while we were there, the wife put a ladder against the building, climbed on the roof and cut the neighbor's dish tv power line. Sheriff came, people driving down the street telling her to "get the f**k out of marfa". We watched it all from the Paisano across the street. The drama went on for two days. AWESOME.

Huzzah! A feudin' and a fussin' QUAIDS style, man. I wonder if this is why formerly sober brother Dennis Quaid has gone off the wagon in a big way?

What Did You Drew?

2009-10-20T21:00:00.001-07:00

Has anyone noticed that Felt Up close personal friend Drew Barrymore has suddenly morphed into Kate Winslet? Take a look:

(image via cbs)

(image via awful plastic surgery)

(image via cbs)

Sure, she's lost weight and probably "drinks water and does yoga" blah blah blah, but her eyes are a completely different shape and she looks way more like Kate Winslet than herself. It's freaking me out!

Drew, call me!

Unvoluptious Vixens Vie For Vampire Viking

2009-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

(image via radar)

Just recently Felt Up posted that every good and decent person's favorite "True Blood" vampire Alexander Skarsgard was getting it on with costar Evan Rachel Wood, former inappropriately-aged paramour of Marilyn Manson. But now Radar is reporting that he's making time with his Straw Dogs co-star Kate "Sometimes Healthy, Sometimes A Death's Head" Bosworth:

It looked like true love was in the air for True Blood star Alexander Skarsgard Saturday night at the Spike TV Scream Awards.

RadarOnline.com saw the Best Villain Award winner and Kate Bosworth acting like quite the happy couple backstage and they were spotted trying hard not to be seen together at the Chateau Marmont after the event.

Kate presented the award to her True Blood honey. When we asked the petite actress where she and Alexander met she told us "On the movie", referring to Straw Dogs, the movie they just finished filming together.
Kate looked gorgeous in an Alexander Wang dress and Alexander McQueen shoes (wait a minute, do we see an Alexander obsession here?) and backstage at the award show she and Alexander were very sweet together. The couple was very affectionate, holding hands as Alexander played with Kate' hair while they chatted with friends in the green room.

Kate and Alexander hugged a few times and were often spotted whispering to each other. As Alexander left the green room to go on stage gave Kate playfully slapped him on his butt a few times and said "Go, go, go."

The golden haired couple was spotted at a Britney Spears concert in Louisiana last September but a rep claimed -- you guessed it -- they were "just friends."

Right!

Puke!

Although none of these starlets are good enough for the viking prince of darkness--and apparently he likes 'em ultra bony--boooo!--I do like that he's playing the field and not getting tied down by any one of these young misses (at least not yet). He is Sweden's Sexiest Man, for God's sake. He should sow his Hollywood oats!

Mime Is Money

2009-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

On last night's season premiere of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One jarring replacement of the actress who played Teddy, the possible grifter/definite drug fiend/anaesthesiologist/girlfriend of Dr. Sean McNamara, with terrible facelift recipient/homewrecker Rose MacGowan.

One awesome voiceover narration by Felt Up fave rave Ms. Linda Hunt.

One unceremonious dumping of semi-lesbian Dr. Liz by a now-in-remission Dr. Christian Troy.

One pissed-off semi-lesbian Dr. Liz hiring a blind bulldog lawyer played by Mr. Barry Bostwick to sue Dr. Christian Troy for divorce and take one-half of everything he has, all of which he put under her name when he thought he was dying of breast cancer.

One financial crisis turning Dr. Sean McNamara into an anxious, sleepless wreck and Dr. Christian Troy into a spendthrift shopaholic yacht buyer.

One creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt becoming a MIME.

One return of the plastic surgeon played by Mario Lopez and his vaginal rejuvenation golden goose to McNamara/Troy. (See NSFW photo at "bottom" of this post for a screen shot of Mario Lopez and Dr. Christian Troy having a super-homoerotic shower on a previous episode.)

One infomercial for the "vaginal uplift" starring Mario Lopez, Drs. McNamara and Troy, and Kimber, Dr. Christian Troy's former fiancee/daughter-in-law/porn star/infant plastic surgery pusher.

One dejected mime turning to a probable life of crime in mime makeup.

One desperate Dr. Christian Troy almost succombing to the old "hold your pee pee and describe it to the blind divorce lawyer" ruse.

One scene of Rose MacGowan proposing marriage to a conflicted, uncertain, and sleepless Dr. Sean McNamara, who of course says "yes."

One scene of Rose MacGowan pushing sleeping pills on Dr. Sean McNamara, who takes some and promptly goes into some kind of a coma.

THE END.

This season on "Nip/Tuck" there will be a mime crime spree, prescription drug addiction, sex, violence, naughty language, graphic scenes of plastic surgery set to hilarious background music, and here's hoping, more homoerotic tension between these two:

(image via justjared)

Joan!

2009-10-12T09:20:00.001-07:00

Christina Hendricks, who plays the most intriguing and awesomest character on "Mad Men," Joan, the former secretary/former mistress of Roger "The Silver Fox" Sterling/current head of Bonwit Teller's dress department/current wife of a terrible doctor and rapist, just got married in real life, and she naturally looked incredible:

(image via people magazine)

According to People:

Christina Hendricks married fiancé Geoffrey Arend at Il Buco restaurant in New York on Sunday, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The redheaded Hendricks, 34, and actor Arend, 31, were engaged earlier this year after being introduced by her Mad Men costar Vincent Kartheiser. Hendricks plays the voluptuous Joan on the show.

Vincent Kartheiser plays Pete Campbell, by the way.

Even though it makes this makes it a wee bit harder for men (and women) to continue their elaborate Joan fantasies, I'm glad Ms. Hendricks is happy. Now, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PRODUCERS OF MAD MEN, GET JOAN MORE SCREEN TIME. WE ARE A NATION AT WAR!

UPDATE:
Here's a better wedding photo:

(image via dlisted)

Look at that skin! That hair! That glorious rack!

Swoon!

Bummer News--Austin Edition

2009-10-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

(image via gingersmurf on photobucket)

Your humble Felt Up blogette just found out that Leslie Cochran, local legendary homelss thong afficianado and bon vivant, has been in the hospital since October 3, when he collapsed in the street. According to KXAN:

Austin's own local celebrity, Leslie Cochran, collapsed on Oct. 3 and, according to sources, was still at University Medical Center Brackenridge with injuries, Friday.
EMS officials said an ambulance was called to the scene after a witness saw Leslie acting oddly on the sidewalk. The call came in around 12:50 a.m. on Oct. 3. Leslie then fell in front of a taxi. When EMS arrived on the scene, medics say he was already unconscious.

EMS called ahead for a trauma team to meet Leslie when he arrived at Brackenridge Hospital. Officials at the hospital declined to confirm he was there, citing rules against official release of information; but two sources close to the hospital have confirmed he was still there on Friday.

A woman who said she was a good friend of Leslie said she tried to see him Monday, but hospital officials would not let her see him.

When asked Friday during a telephone interview if she knew whether or not Leslie was still unconscious, the woman, who wished to remain anonymous, replied, "He would have called me had he woken up...."
Leslie, 58, is "arguably the most locally famous street person in Austin" according to his Wikipedia article. He is often seen downtown wearing women's clothing, and has run for mayor. He is a staunch advocate for the rights of homeless people.

It's not uncommon for folks visiting downtown to approach Leslie for photographs with the scantily clad man. He almost always obliges.

Leslie is so popular, he even has his own line of dress-up refrigerator magnets that can be purchased at stores across Austin. The paper-doll-style magnet set includes a mini-skirt, a cheerleader outfit and leopard print dress, with accessories, that you can use to dress up the Austin icon.

There is also this ominous sentence at the end of his Wikipedia entry:

It is believed that Leslie suffered a stroke and may be in a "vegetative state."

I fervently hope that Leslie makes a full recovery. Austin just wouldn't be the same without him!

Vocabulary Lesson of the Day: "Croydon Facelift"

2009-10-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

(image via the Daily Mail)

Oh, those Brits and their funny expressions.

The Daily Mail has a wee story today about frightening celebrity Nicole Kidman and her terrifying "Croydon Facelift" (Croydon is a ne-chic-pas London suburb). Let's learn all about this strange phenomenon, shall we?

She continues to deny claims she uses Botox, but Nicole Kidman opted for another trick for ironing out unwanted wrinkles last night - the Croydon Facelift.
The pencil-thin Oscar-winning actress modelled the infamous hairstyle at a party held at the Omega flagship store in New York.
Her ginger mane was tied back so tightly back that the features on her face were pulled even more tautly than usual.
The term Croydon Facelift was coined several years ago - around the time 'chavs' began to emerge - and Little Britain's Vicky Pollard and Catherine Tate's teen Lauren are both fans...
Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham have sported the hairdo this year while Madonna, Kate Winslet and even Michelle Obama have also given the style a try.
Miss Kidman was seen with her auburn locks scraped back into a tight, high ponytail at a party at the Omega watches flagship store in New York on Wednesday night...
She credits drinking lots of water, eating fruit and doing yoga for her looks, insisting: 'I am completely natural.'
The mother of Sunday Rose has said: 'I have nothing in my face or anything.'

Oh, you have got huge enormous gall to say that that forehead is from water, fruit, and yoga, lady. On the other hand, that ginger mane of yours may have pulled back your skin so tightly that you are no longer capable of interpreting reality.

For The Record...

2009-10-07T22:44:00.001-07:00

...I never want to hear the words "Jon," "Kate," or even "Eight" ever again.

That is all.

Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kandi's Fiance Is Dead After Fistfight

2009-10-03T10:44:00.001-07:00

(image via hip hop rx)

CNN has the news that newest "Real Housewives of Atlanta" cast member Kandi Burruss' on-again/off-again fiance A.J. Jewell, the one with five hundred baby mamas, died after a fistfight at a club:

Kandi Burruss, at right with co-star NeNe Leakes, appeared at the BET Awards in June.

Atlanta police spokesman Officer James Polite said Jewell and another man fought at an Atlanta club. Afterward, Jewell was taken to a hospital, where he died of blunt force trauma to the head, Polite said.

He said police arrested a suspect, whom he wouldn't identify, on a charge of voluntary manslaughter. After the suspect was identified by witnesses at the scene, he voluntarily went in for questioning, Polite said.
He said police didn't know why the men fought.
Burruss has posted messages about her sorrow on Twitter.
"im just in one of those moods where i dont wanna talk, i dont wanna b held & told its gonna b ok. i just wanna cry myself 2 sleep, alone," she says...
Burruss is an award-winning singer-songwriter and former member of the 1990s R&B group Xscape.

Well, the only person who will probably be ok with this tragedy is Kandi's mother, who despised A.J. and was vehemently opposed to their getting married.

Web site Hip Hop RX says that:

A suspect has been arrested in the death of...Ashley ‘A.J.’ Jewell who died after sustaining injuries to the head during a fight at a club in Atlanta, GA.

Fredrick Richardson, who also sustained injuries from the fight, was arrested and charged with voluntary manslaughter after getting into a brawl with A.J. Jewell on Friday night at the Body Tap in Atlanta, GA outside of the strip club which may be co-owned by Jewell, according to unconfirmed sources.

Jewell... received scrutiny from many onlookers, as well as Kandi Burruss’ mother, during the show due to Jewell having six children. As reported on HipHopRX.com back in March, Kandi Burruss came to A.J.’s rescue after many blogs and commenters throughout the Internet called him a scrub and made statements that she had to take care of him.

In her radio interview, Kandi stated,”I try not to read too much of it, but I know they were talking about my fiance. Making him look real bad, like he’s a dead beat dad, he ain’t got no job. And it’s not true.”

Reportedly in August, the two called off their wedding and relationship to give each other a break to sort out personal issues, however the two remained friends.

Meanwhile, authorities are being whist on what may have caused the fight between the two as they are continuously interviewing witnesses who were there on the scene.

Oh, the irony of the co-writer of TLC's hit song "No Scrubs" being dragged down by her own personal scrub! I always wondered what his appeal was to her. He spent almost every second of his screen time with her texting on his phone and had 1,000 children with different women.

The drama on "RHOA" just never stops, does it?

Gayfecta!

2009-10-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

(image via collider)

The Huffington Post is reporting that actor/NYU student/Felt Up fave James Franco will have "a lengthy story arc this fall" on ABC soap opera "General Hospital":

The "Pineapple Express" and "Spider-Man" actor will play a mystery person who comes to the soap opera's town of Port Charles. The recurring role will begin Nov. 20 – to coincide with November sweeps – and will last about two months.
Executive producer Jill Farren Phelps says it's "an honor that an actor of Franco's caliber would choose to spend some of his valuable time in Port Charles."

The 31-year-old Franco will star as Allen Ginsberg next year in the film "Howl."

-

Huh! I don't know what is funnier--that James Franco is going to be on a soap opera, or that anyone would think of him for the role of Allen Ginsberg. They don't really look alike at all. Unless he's going to get uglied up a la Charlize Theron in Monster as some kind of crazy Oscar stunt?

There's been a lot of rumors of his gayness (HOT!) and now this gayfecta of Milk, "General Hospital" and Howl is going to set tongues a wagging even more!

No Cure For The QUAIDS Crisis

2009-09-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

(image via tmz)

Whew. The Quaids Crisis continues, hot-n-heavy! I can barely keep up.

According to TMZ, Evi Quaid went nuts in the office of the sheriff in Marfa, Texas, where she and Randy were arrested yesterday:

Evi Quaid thinks the cop who arrested her and husband Randy is corrupt. How do we know this? Because she just showed up at his office and went "psychotic" on him.

Deputy James Davis of Presidio County Sheriff's Office in Marfa, Texas tells TMZ Evi showed up at the station just moments ago screaming at him, accusing him of being "a crooked, corrupt cop" who concocted "a plot against her and her husband."

Davis described it as a "psychotic episode."

He claims she followed him into the station and threw a handwritten statement at him accusing him of setting them up.

Davis says Quaid then went to a nearby courthouse and as she was leaving, backed into a motorcycle that was parallel parked.

What happened to Marfa, TX being a "great place to get arrested," Little Evi? Not content to go "psychotic" on the man, she then hand painted a huge sign accusing the sheriff of taking bribes and hung it on a big truck and parked it in front of the mayor's office:

Evi painted the sign -- directed at Deputy James Davis -- on the side of a truck she personally drove and parked outside of Mayor Dan Dunlap's office moments ago. The sign says "Deputy James Davis takes payments ... call & make offers."
But Deputy Davis tells us he won't take the smear campaign laying down, saying, "She's entitled to her freedom of speech, but at some point it becomes libel. I'm considering legal action if it continues."

Wowee, this Evi Quaid is some special kind of crazy. Stay tuned--no telling where this is going to end up!

More Mackenzie Phillips Madness--Mick Jagger Edition

2009-09-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

(image via culture fix)

The Times of India, my favorite source of celebrity gossip, has a story, presumably from her forthcoming book High on Arrival, about Mackenzie "The Face of Consensual Incest" Phillips being seduced at age 18 by Mick Jagger "while her father and future lover John Phillips was making a tuna sandwich for him":

The 'California Dreamin' singer had left the rocker alone with his 18-year-old daughter in Jagger's apartment while he went out to get some mayonnaise and when he returned, he found the door had been locked and he realised that the 'Rolling Stone' rocker was having sex with his girl.

"My dad walks out (of the apartment), Mick turns around, locks the door, looks at me and he says, 'I've been waiting for this since you were 10 years old...' and he seduced me," the 49-year-old actress and singer said.

"My dad comes back and (says), 'That's my daughter in there, let her out,' and we just ignored him. "It's a dubious distinction, having had sex with Mick Jagger," she added.

John Phillips, then tried to break in but failed and simply called the following morning to make sure his daughter was fine.

"He says, 'Was he nice to you? Are you OK?' and I said, 'Mick just brought a tray of tea and toast and strawberries and Marmite. We're fine. I'll talk to you later," the actress said.

Not as fascinating as her l'affaire inceste, but the "I've been waiting for this since you were 10 years old" line is pretty damn creepy. What a life she's led!

The Continuing QUAIDS Crisis

2009-09-25T10:08:00.001-07:00

TMZ got a hold of Randy and Evi Quaid's mugshots AND a handwritten note from them that says "I promise the state of California, Texas does not bother people over hamburgers ordered by room service, supposedly burglarized" and "Marfa, Texas is a great place to get arrested."

God bless these two, they are giving me a reason to live--or at least to continue reading TMZ.

The Olds Are Showing The Youngs How It's Done

2009-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

(photo via janet charlton)

Hot damn! Nipping the heels of old actress Mackenzie "The Face of Consensual Incest" Phillips' media frenzy, old actor Randy Quaid and his spitfire wife have been arrested after what I am going to go ahead and call a cross-country crime spree!

According to CNN,

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas on Thursday. They're accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill, authorities said.

Randy Quaid is being held in Presidio County, Texas. He's accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill.
Santa Barbara, California, authorities had been looking for the couple after the sheriff's department received a complaint from a local hotel.

Each faces felony charges of burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy.
The couple was held in Presidio County, Texas, late Thursday, authorities said.

TMZ has the juicier, possibly untrue, details:

There was a struggle and deputies had to wrestle Evi to the ground as she screamed loudly.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they believe Randy and Evi Quaid have a pattern of staying in pricey hotels and stiffing the joints when they leave...and that's why authorities are trying to nail the Quaids for burglary...

Our law enforcement sources tell us the reason they believe the Quaids were scamming the San Ysidro Ranch from the get-go is because they have evidence they've done it before. Our sources say the Quaids stiffed the uber-ritzy Bel Air Hotel in L.A., among other places.

Gossipeuse Janet Charlton calls Randy and Evi "the new Bonnie and Clyde" and notes:

Not long ago Evi hired a private detective because she believed that “the same peoplew ho killed David Carradine” were after her husband. The detective ended up getting a restraining order against the Quaids – she told radaronline.com that Evi kept her drug use and spending hidden from her husband and the shaken detective feared that Evi might kill Randy and/or herself. We predict rehab is dead ahead for these two.

Boy, I am so proud to call myself a Texan today. Randy Quaid, you are a state treasure! Let's not forget that recently you got kicked out of Actors' Equity for life for physically and mentally abusing your fellow performers in a Seattle play who claimed your "oddball behavior" led directly to the play closing early, and then the Equity hearing about the matter was

highlighted by Quaid's wife apparently getting into a tussle with a 76-year-old Equity receptionist that ended with the receptionist bleeding from the shins and Evi Quaid's finger broken.

Wowza!

Randy Quaid, you must keep up the good work. Now that you've apparently been forcibly removed from the acting profession and into a life of grifting, I think this whole "defrauding an innkeeper" thing is just the beginning! You could easily find a way to "extort a habadasher," "burgle a blacksmith," or "bamboozle a barber." Get Evi on it, I'm sure she'll know what to do.

Huzzah!

Mackenzie Philips Restores My Faith In Trashy Gossip With Gross Tell-All

2009-09-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

(image via elysabeth)

When people on the street stop and ask me, "Hey, humble Felt Up Blogette, why don't you post on your blog as much as you used to?" I usually reply that good celebrity gossip totally peaked with Britney Spears going berserk and shaving her head, and it's been all downhill ever since. It's true: great, juicy, trashy Hollywood gossip has simply dried up. I just cannot muster up any enthusiasm for the boring, unbearably press-agent-choreographed carrying-ons of anyone named Leighton or Blake or Penn. The Kardashians' antics are well-documented, and tame. Even the ever-changing relationships and volatile wig-pullings on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" are too confusing to keep straight. Michael Jackson (and seemingly every other celebrity on Earth) is dead. To paraphrase Felt Up muse Norma Desmond, I am big--it's the gossip that got small.

And then tonight came this story at CNN and I had to EAT MY WORDS, because it is one humdinger of a tale:

Actress Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a long-term incestuous relationship with her famous father, musician John Philips, in a tell-all memoir, according to People.com, which obtained an advance copy of her book...
"On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it," writes Phillips, who was 19 at the time and a heavy drug user, according to People.com. "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed."
Phillips, best known as Julie Cooper on the sitcom "One Day at a Time," says the sexual relationship became consensual as her life began to spiral out of control...
Eventually, she and her father went to rehab together and she later toured with him in a band called the New Mamas and the Papas, according to People.com.
"I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me," she writes, according to People.com. "One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' "

WOW. I realize that young 'uns under the age of 40 may not give a crap about anything having to do with golden oldies like Mackenzie and John Phillips, but I sure do. Because I'm old--older than "The Hills." It's completely horrifying and fascinating at the same time. And though I don't wish in any way to diminish her pain or misery I have to say: Whoo boy--what a story. Of course she's going on "Oprah" any minute now to share.

Listen up, all you Taylor Momsens and Lo Bosworths and Pixie and/or Peaches Geldoffs of the world: This is the bar for riveting, terrifying, outlandish gossip that you will have to live up to from now on. Olden-timey junkie has-been Mackenzie Phillips has one-upped you all. You have been served.

Say It Ain't So, Skarsgard!

2009-09-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

Booooooooooooooooo! Hissssssssssssss!

Evan Rachel Wood, former age-inappropriate paramour of Marilyn Manson and current terrible actor on "True Blood" may be dating her co-star, "The Sexiest Man in Sweden" Alexander Skarsgard. He plays Viking vampire Eric, delightfully; she plays the Vampire Queen of Lousiana, badly.

Let's pray this is just a rumor, fellow vampire nerds!

Harrumph.

A Felt Up Shameless Plug

2009-08-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

Gatti's dessert pizzas image via pastaqueen

When your humble Felt Up blogette isn't worrying about Kim's wig getting torn off her head by Sheree on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," she sings in a band called Nagel. And in order to win free pizza for a year, some members of Nagel recorded a jingle for a contest sponsored by local pizza chain Gatti's. And if you feel like it, you can hear said jingle, called "I'm Just Looking for a Gatti's," with lyrics and vocal stylings by your humble Felt Up blogette, here and if you're in the mood, vote for it by clicking on the heart next to the song, which, for security reasons, was recorded under the name THE WINNERS.

If The Winners win, WE ALL WIN, really. Because I will personally take each and every one of my readers for a Gatti's pizza. Both of you!

News For Vampire Nerds!

2009-08-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Sookie and Bill are engaged in real life! OMFG!

I just hope this doesn't mean we get even more endless amounts of time on "True Blood" devoted to their romance. It is the dullest part of the show. More Eric! More Lafayette! More Eric-n-Lafayette together!

Love Means Never Being Able To Say Anything

2009-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Answer to Who The Eff Is This: Once again, it's Courtney Love, at least I think so:

(image via the WOW Report)

She is a work in progress, people. A terrifying, gruesome work in progress.

Now, onto further horrors. Try and guess the age of this woman:

(image via Jezebel)

She is:

a) 45 years old

b) 55 years old

c) Courtney Love

Ha! It's none of the above. Ms. Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars, possible purveyor of horse diet pills, and 7th sign of the Apocalypse, is a spring chick of 37 years old. 37 YEARS OLD.

Bananas, indeed.

Who The EFF Is THIS?

2009-08-04T11:41:00.001-07:00

Hey! It's another edition of Who The Eff Is THIS? Take a gander at this photo and see if you can guess who the hell it is:

Here's a clue: It's not Dina "Mother of the Year" Lohan, a member of the Gosselin family, or a morning news anchor.

It IS someone featured a lot on Felt Up.

The answer will be in the next post!

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

2009-07-27T21:22:00.001-07:00

Well, hello, there. It's been a long time since a truly frightening celeb photo came down the pike, and I'll give you one guess who scared the bejeesus out of me this time...

...If you said MADONNA, you are correct! Congratulations, and brace yourself:

Interestingly, her face looks pretty great. I think she must have had the minuscule deposits of arm fat that once valiantly held onto her tendons for dear life and had them forcibly removed and immediately injected into her cheeks. The effect is somewhat alarming, like seeing a pretty child's head put on a monstrous, albeit extremely fit, old woman's body.

I would also like to commend the U.K. Daily Mail for cunningly comparing Madonna's bod to those creepy Chinese cadaver exhibits:

Good call, U.K. Daily Mail.

Ick.

Creepy, Yet Awesome.

2009-07-07T20:39:00.001-07:00

Who would have thought that amidst all the circus elephants, Stevie Wonder, the entire insane Jackson family, Usher's fake tears, a solid gold coffin, and Mariah Carey, the most interesting sight at the Michael Jackson funeral would be Corey Feldman in full Dangerous regalia, like he used to rock back in '91? It was weird back then and it's even weirder now, but bless his little heart for being such a freakadeak. The show must go on!

Felt Up Believe It Or Not!

2009-06-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dear God, ya'll. Lindsay Lohan has a birthday in a few days and she will turn 23.

23! That means this whole entire year she's been a mere 22 years old.

Doesn't it seem like a) she's been around FOREVER and b) she's 40?

Summer Fun!

2009-06-30T09:25:00.001-07:00

Your humble Felt Up bloggette declares this The Summer of Glam! Here are some rockin' videos just for the hell of it:

Cop(ping A Plea) With A Vadge

2009-06-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

Image of Danielle with her mugshot via The Warming Glow

If, like all good and decent people, you are ravenous for more information on Danielle Staub (aka Beverly Merrill) from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" and her criminal past, run on over to The Smoking Gun, which has a ton of documents relating to her arrest in 1986 for all kinds of crazy crap--extortion, cocaine dealing, etc--that she is now constantly denying ever took place. (She says the only things that are true in her ex-husband's book Cop Without A Badge are that she was arrested and she changed her name.) She has also vehemently denied having a cocaine problem and/or being a "prostitution whore," but the documents reveal that she was a huge cokehead "escort" who was seemingly in constant contact with at least a kilo of cocaine at all times.

Here are the gory details, which are rather complicated, as Danielle/Beverly also went by "Angela Minelli," apparently:

According to documents filed in U.S. District Court in Miami, Merrill and Daniel Aguilar, who distributed narcotics for a Colombian drug family, sought to extort a $25,000 ransom from a man whose son they were holding. The captive, Carmen Centolella, was blamed by Merrill and Aguilar for the botched drug deal, which cost them a kilo of cocaine worth about $24,000, according to the below criminal complaint. Merrill and Aguilar were arrested after federal agents traced ransom calls they placed to Centolella's father. Merrill was busted in a Miami apartment in which agents discovered six kilos of cocaine and about $16,000 in cash.

In a subsequent indictment, Merrill was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy. Prosecutors allege that Merrill placed the first call to Centolella's father and "threatened injury or death" to his son "unless a sum of money was paid." Facing the possibility of decades in prison, Merrill quickly opted to flip. In August 1986, she copped to a single felony count and signed a plea agreement pledging to "provide full and complete cooperation" with federal prosecutors and FBI agents. Merrill's plea, the agreement noted, exposed her to a maximum of 20 years in prison. Merrill's decision to snitch out her cohorts resulted in threats allegedly directed at her by Aguilar and his family, prosecutors contended in one motion.

Merrill, who at the time used the alias "Angela Minelli," received one phone call warning, "Angela, your life is at an end, honey," and another from a male caller noting, "I saw you walking your dog--I wouldn't take that kind of risk."

The government motion further described Merrill's role in the botched cocaine deal, noting that she "took one of the kilos from Aguilar to Centolella's apartment for testing." There, she was accosted by four armed men who robbed her of the cocaine. According to an FBI report, when Aguilar was interviewed by agents following his arrest, he stated that "Angela" was the "common link" that put him together with Centolella, the prospective cocaine buyer. Centolella, he said, knew that "Angela had sources that could provide a kilo of cocaine." He later described "Angela" as a friend whose last name he did not know. "She also uses cocaine," he told agents. During a court hearing, FBI Agent Robert Favie testified that Merrill met Aguilar while she was working for an escort service (Aguilar was a customer). Asked by Aguilar's attorney if he had checked into Merrill's background as a prostitute, Favie replied, "I know that she has told me that she has worked for an escort service, yes."

In November 1986, Merrill was sentenced to five years probation for her extortion conviction (by comparison, Aguilar got 15 years after pleading out to extortion and cocaine possession counts). She was also ordered to participate in a drug treatment program and submit to weekly urinalysis tests during the first six months of her supervision. Two years after Merrill's sentencing, a substance abuse counselor (who worked in conjunction with Merrill's probation officer) recommended that, "considering the severity of Beverly's drug history and her former drug life style," that her "mandate for drug aftercare be continued." Court files do not indicate how Judge Eugene Spellman, who sentenced Merrill, ruled on this request. In a recent interview with People magazine, Staub claimed records from her criminal case were "sealed" and that she was only charged as an "accessory."

YOWZA!

Why on earth a person with all this stuff in her background would go on a reality show is beyond me. She dodged a long prison sentence by ratting out Columbian drug cartel personnel who did not waste time in making threats on her life. So, again: WHY GO ON A REALITY SHOW AND ENDANGER YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN? I mean, they practically show her home address on the screen every week. Has all that Botox rotted her brain?

The second part of the RHONJ reunion special airs Thursday on Bravo at 10 Eastern/9 Central. The previews show host Andy Cohen questioning Ms. Staub/Merrill/Minelli about her "substantial" cocaine problem. Don't miss it!

Felt Up Public Service Announcement(s)

2009-06-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

For the love of god, don't forget that tonight is the season finale (already!?!) of the Cadillac of "Real Housewives" shows, "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" on Bravo. The previews have been amazing. For reasons we are not privy to nor that could possibly make any sense, Danielle Staub, aka Beverly Merrill, aka PROSTITUTION WHORE, is invited to dinner with the rest of the cast, only one of whom (Jacqueline) doesn't want to scratch her eyes out with a diamond-encrusted claw. There are slurs, fights, upended restaurant tables, shrieks, and, finally, and fantastically, female fisticuffs. All in front of the children, too. Huzzah!

Also, adopted Austinite and ex-Face/Small Face Ian McLagan will be appearing with his band on David Letterman's show tonight. A full night of tv-viewing awaits!

Triumph of the Will

2009-06-15T17:22:00.001-07:00

Since no one in their right mind ever reads The Austin American-Statesman, I thought I'd pass on this Michael Corcoran-penned recap of Triumph The Insult Comic Dog's comments during a press conference with, of all people, Alejandro Escovedo, Elvis Perkins, and Tift Merrit at the Bonnaroo Music Festival. Because I could listen to Triumph diss hippies all day...

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Alejandro Escovedo had never heard of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog before today’s press conference with the Robert Smigel puppet..,Escovedo’s now a fan. Some Triumph highlights:

“This place has more stages than syphilis.”
“I saw alot of underarm hair at the Ani DiFranco set. I thought one woman had a Yorkie in a headlock.”
“On Monday this place will smell better… when it goes back to being a hog farm.”
Host Andy Langer said to Escovedo and Perkins, “Did you ever think you’d be on a panel with a dog?” to which Triumph exploded, “Tift Merritt is a very beautiful woman! How dare you?”

"Jimmy Buffett is here? This place really is eco-friendly. There’s nothing like recycled music.”

"Phish broke up five years ago, They could’ve played three songs in that time. The original script of the Gettysburg Address was ‘Four Phish songs and seven years ago.’”

“Is there anything that Phish fans can’t make out of hemp--besides deodorant?”
“So many Bruce Springsteen fans have come from New Jersey. You can tell because of the smell of weed mixed with Axe body spray.”
“It’s a different time. At Woodstock three babies were born. Here three babies were traded for a case of Dasani and a meat pie.”

Tate Takes A Dip

2009-06-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

When not obsessing about the sordid past of Danielle Staub aka Beverly Merrill, the possible coke-whore/hooker and mom of two on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," your humble Felt Up blogette has been known to ponder life's mysteries (such as the possible auto-erotic asphyxiation death of David Carradine) at the local swimming pool.

The other day I was at Austin's own lovely Deep Eddy pool and who should be there but an actual living, breathing semi-celeb: Mr. Tate Donovan. I have no idea what he's in Austin for (his IMDB profile doesn't show anything filming in A-town), but it was nice to see him. I will always think of him as "that guy from Space Camp," or "that guy who was engaged to both Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock (not at the same time)," but you may know him as "that guy from 'The O.C.'" or perhaps as "that guy from 'Damages.'"

It's always nice to have a surprise encounter with a sorta-famous person in a swim suit, so here's to random actors hanging out at central Texas pools.

PS
Miraculously, Mr. Donovan seems to be of normal height!

Smelling Like A Daisy

2009-05-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

(all images via VH1)

Ugh. My fears of a less-than-festive season of "Daisy of Love" are coming all too true! In fact, this show may just be even more down in the dumps than "Rock of Love Bus." And it started off so promisingly inane and retarded! Boooo. Hiss. Someone at VH1 needs to step in and take control of this train wreck!

The problem is Daisy herself. Besides being drugged out/drunk/whatnot she seems to actually believe that she will find true love amongst these reality dating show douches. She gets genuinely upset when these ersatz beaus act like imbecilic soulless jerks. It is both infinitely sad and infuriating. This is supposed to be FUN, people! Whassa goin on' ?
Where o where have the good times gone?

Let's just get this over with. I'm going to keep it short because it is all so depressing.

It begins well, with a "rock band" challenge that is sure to result in public humiliation and horror, and boy does it ever. Three teams are created, and right off the bat, Chi Chi's chi chi gets all bent out of shape because his best 'bro and room mate, the truly hideous-looking Sinister, doesn't pick him for his fake band on this fake show. The "twist" of the challenge is that each band has to make a rock song out of a nursery rhyme, like "Old McDonald Had a Farm." I don't really know why this was necessary, except to make the contestants look even more ridiculous than they already do. Mission accomplished!

The bands are named clever things like "Daisy Chain" and "Daisy Blades" (?).

Daisy is totes in love already with London, so even though his band sucks balls, they win. Sinister, who had the best band out of the three (which is like coming in first in an a-hole race), is fit to be tied. This aggression will not stand!

At numerous points during the rest of this episode, Daisy and London either make out or fight about nothing. Back and forth, back and forth--it makes no sense whatsoever. The winning band gets three brand-new Gibson guitars for free as part of their prize, and clearly the guitar means way more to London than Daisy ever could.

But she may be in looooove! Tears abound. Way too many tears ABOUND. Daisy is bereft! She manages to rationalize London's schizo behavior with the old "we must be love because we keep fighting" excuse that has kept the Daisys of the world in miserable relationships since the Dawn of Marilyn Manwich.

So London leaves the show of his own volition and Daisy goes to her pink grotto to sob. Three contestants in a row have left without Daisy asking! It hurts her feelings! She is devastated with only Riki Rachtman to soothe her soul!

Thanks a lot, VH1. Boo! Hiss!

Bret Michaels even in the black depths of his Road Ennui was at least marginally entertaining. And a professional. Professional what, I'm not sure, but compared to Daisy, Bret is the Barack Obama of reality dating. (And by the way, watching Daisy's interviews has given me a new appreciation of the genius that was Bret. I think now that he probably did not get lines fed to him, as I used to suspect; now it seems that he was actually pretty clever/funny on his own. Because if what Daisy is saying on this show was created by a professional writer then said writer should immediately commit hari kari.)

Bleh.

Daisy of Drugs?

2009-05-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

(all images via VH1)

After watching last night's "Daisy of Love," and seeing the report that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion," I'm a bit worried. It is very disconcerting to see the host of a reality show in the midst of a crisis, but that seems to be wassa goin' on with Miss Daisy.

But before we get to that drama, let's review the myriad other dramas from this episode, shall we?

First up, the challenge is one of those patented VH1 dating show obstacle courses. This time, the guys have to carry an effigy of Daisy (ie, a mannequin in a blonde wig) in a relay race through a paint gun course while paint gun sharpshooters spray them with paint balls. The team with the most-intact Daisy doll wins a dream group date with Daisy, natch.

The dudes pick teams and Brooklyn is chosen last to the Beige Team because he has a girlfriend and thus is NOT THERE FOR DAISY and is ostracized by the other twelve-year-olds at Little League.

Sinister, team captain of the Black Team (they all wear jumpsuits representing their team colors), is determined to win some alone time with Daisy, so he takes a ton of hits to his body (and they all remark on the pain the paint pellets produce) and protects the Daisy mannequin the best. His team wins!

Brooklyn takes this opportunity to announce that his heart is not in this and tenders his resignation. Daisy is super-upset, because she had specifically asked him about the status of his relationship with his ex/not-ex girlfriend at the last elimination and he had lied that he wanted to be there and it was over with his ex, blah blah blah. Which means: Maybe Weasel could've made it another week! Damn Brooklyn straight to hell!

They head back to Tool Manor to get ready for a night on the town. The dudes spend a great deal of time on their toilette: Make-up, hair gel, nail polish, the works! It is hilariousness itself.

They go to some Hollywood douchebaggery to get dizrunk and par-tay, bro. It is a grim scene. Poor Sinister, who as the leader of the winning team is supposed to get some special one-on-time with Daisy, sits glumly in an empty VIP area alone while Daisy forgets him entirely and flirts with everyone else. She makes out with pretty much everyone in the place and it is fairly gross in a hepatitis-outbreak kind of way. (Although she could make out with 50 guys 10 minutes and it would still be leaps and bounds less disgusting than the tamest Bret Michaels make out.)

At one point Daisy gets all in a snit because Fox is ignoring her:

Tool Box seems only to care about shrieking "BROMANCE" at all the other guys and rubbing up against their upper thighs.

Later, at Les Halles Des Douches, Tool Box reveals that he's not "feeling" Daisy at all, because he's too busy feeling the pants of his fellows.

The next day, the romantic dream date turns out to be mutual body painting by the pool (!). Daisy drops her black satin robe to reveal a bikini and a surprisingly tattoo-free midsection.

The guys--12 Pack, Sinister, London, and Chi Chi-- are agog at her splendor! They all make out with Daisy after some half-hearted body painting, but Chi Chi doesn't even bother with the paints and practically attacks Daisy, to the point that even she is a tad freaked out by his aggressiveness.

In the mean time, Cable Guy, who has been warned by Riki Rachtman that he needs to interact more with Daisy if he wants to stay in the competition, is having an existential crisis. Like so many reality dating show contestants before him, he feels that being aggressive is just not what he is all about. Also, he's pretty sure three weeks on a VH1 tv show is not going to result in true love. Does he betray his very soul by being more forceful with/pretending to fall madly, deeply in love with a stranger or does he stay true to himself and continue to lay low? When the bodypainters return to the house, he awkwardly takes the bull by the horns and forces Daisy into some alone time, in which he tells her all about his conflicting emotions. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then Tool Box gets his own alone time with Daisy, and he uses this opportunity for personal interaction and growth to peform a lap dance and shove his upside down crotch in Daisy's face. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then she makes out with Flex. I never thought it would be possible, but there is seemingly 10 times the number of make out sessions on "Daisy of Love" than the first three seasons of "Rock of Love" combined.

Elimination time! This is where it gets weird. Because Daisy is clearly on something, big time. Either drugs or booze or both, I don't know, but she is out of it. It is really sad to watch. Why must these shows insist on bringing me down? WHY? Sigh!

She can barely talk in complete sentences, and it's not like she was the most articulate person to begin with. Her eyes are unfocused and she rushes through the elimination really quickly. It gets down to Cable Guy and Tool Box, and of course Tool Box gets to stay because even though Tool Box is a complete and total Tool, the only crime Daisy cannot forgive is dullness, and Cable Guy is pretty dull.

Cable Guy, we shall miss your soothing calmness, semi-normal demeanor, and hideous uni-dreadlocked beard.

Flex, who was a witness to Tool Box's "I'm not into Daisy" drunken escapade, pipes up and tells Daisy what happened. Daisy gets all flustered and freaked out and demands to know if Tool Box is there for her or not and he hems and haws and she sends him home and then goes off in a huff.

Riki, in the tone of voice usually reserved for UN Security Council emergency meetings, lectures the remaining dudes that it is not cool to hurt Daisy! For real! He means it! He actually says "THIS IS NOT A GAME." Except, of course, it is a game. So, whatever.

In her room, alone and sad, Daisy cries, before passing out in heap of blonde hair and sillicone.

Dear god, it's only the third episode and this show has already ceased to be fun and is steadily creeping into the sadness, ennui, and despair that ruined "Rock of Love"! I'm not happy, people.

On the plus side, I think Big Rig may need his own show. He is a genius.

Oh, No!

2009-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

TMZ is reporting that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital early this morning due to a "possible overdose" after a night of clubbing.

How is this going to affect my tv viewing?

"Nast" Is Putting It Lightly

2009-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't spent too much time wondering about the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" affair allegations--he was photographed sneaking out of a night club with another woman while not wearing his wedding band--until now.

That's because of this awesome quote from brother of the 23-year-old school teacher who has allegedly been having a three month affair with Jon Gosselin. The brother, Jason Hummel, who lives with his younger sister, told Us Weekly:

A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.

I think I love Jason Hummel, whoever he is!

He also tries to defend his sister by saying:

She's a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn't healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.

Gee, that really doesn't clear the air at all, dude. But nice try! I like that the guy who is on a long-running reality show about his life with his wife and 8 kids simply must have been a "bad liar" to his mistress about his marital status. (Although of course he could've been all, "The show is a sham, we are living separate lives, blah blah blah." Still. The name of the show kind of says it all. )

Boy, I bet this girl is pissed at her brother for going to the tabloids in the name of trying to help her. Maybe they and Jon should have their own reality show--"Jon & Deanna Plus Jason Minus Kate & 8" and we would see lots of shots of Jason rolling his eyes and putting a pillow over his head as he tries to sleep through all the ick and nast going on in the next room. Must-see tv!

I've always found that Jon guy weird, and also his wife; the entire show pretty much gives me the heebee-jeebies and I rarely watch it. But now maybe I will?

When Show and Tell Goes Wrong

2009-05-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

(all images via VH1)

Well, after the gangbustin' premiere, "Daisy of Love" was bound to drop off a bit in excitement. I just hope that the elimination of The Sunset Striplets was not the death knell for fun and good times on this show!

The challenge this week is for each contestant to make some sort of "show and tell" presentation to Daisy (who appears to be wearing leg warmers on top of leg warmers on top of go-go boots) about why he is the guy for her. I think. It was kind of unclear, especially when muscle-bound mook Flex grabbed a blow-up male sex doll and sprayed red paint all over it so it looked like a muderered sex doll and said that it "represented" him. Okaaaaaaaay, dude. Calm down.

The winner(s) get a romantic group dream date with Daisy!

Weasel redeems himself (after passing out drunk last week) in this challenge by presenting Daisy with a gift of a daisy necklace and then showing some photos of him doing crazy BMX stunts and then lying in a hospital bed with a crazy broken back after a BMX accident. Daisy seems touched by the necklace and likes seeing Weasel acting un-Weasely.

Fox, previously way up there on Daisy's love-o-meter, plunges into the abyss after bringing up some sort of sex toy that we are never able to see, due to VH1's coy toy cover-up. But whatever it is, Daisy is pretty insulted/grossed-out by it, and we are too, on her behalf. Poor taste, sir, is not the way to win Daisy's heart. Now, good day. I said good day!

Professor tries to do a classroom-themed "lesson of love" presentation, but only confuses Daisy.

London, of the bad eyeliner and man-thongs, is another Daisy fave despite having passed out in the hallway on the last episode. He attempts to write a song for her but is thwarted by being "too hungover." Seriously, that's his presentation. At least he's honest!

Nutty ole Flex brings up his sex doll (now emblazoned with a red spray-painted heart) and tells Daisy "this is me." To which Daisy and the universe replies, "Huh?"

12 Pack must have been a drama nerd at some point in his life, because he brings up a bunch of dead roses and throws them in the trash and announces, "THIS IS MY PAST." Then he tears out a page of his unicorn-emblazoned, tear-streaked diary and sets fire to it with a symbolic match of freedom. Then he smokes a clove cigarette, puts his long overcoat on, pumps his fist in the air defiantly and finally bursts into tears. What is going on with these guys?

Big Rig shows off a photo of his son; Cage brings up his ginormous cage-fighting championship belt; Brooklyn recites some terrible poetry; Cable Guy rather endearingly plays the saxophone; Sinister does a Michael Jackson/Corey Feldman-style dance number, for some unknown reason; Tool Box repeats the same tool-y male-stripper routine he did on the premiere (the big wow comes when he tears off his wife-beater undershirt--not!).

6 Gauge does a bar tending demonstration and makes a signature cocktail for Daisy, which goes over very well with milady.

Chi Chi reads a depressing and heartfelt letter about his feelings following the death of his father, which brings many tears to many douches' eyes and they give him a standing ovation and Daisy is touched, too, and now Chi Chi the tiny darkhorse contender is totally in like Flynn! Perhaps.

Finally, nutty nutball Flipper gets up and does a "rap" about the shortcomings of the other contestants, but all he does is make a fool out of himself, for it is the WORST RAP EVER WRITTEN. Seriously. Ali Lohan could definitely write a better ap. Dick Cheney could write a better rap. Chi Chi's dead dad could write a better rap. It was that bad.

Fox, Chi Chi, Weasel, 6 Gauge, Flex and London are asked to stay and the rest are sent off to reflect quietly about what they've just seen and done, then head into a Beyond Thunderdome-type arena to shout and scream at the next spectacle. The six who remain represent the highest and lowest scores: Fox, 6 Gauge, and London are the bottoms (heh) and Chi Chi, Weasel (go Weasel!), and Flex are the tops.

But there's a twist! The bottoms are given one more chance to redeem themselves and win a date with Daisy. Three middle-aged women dressed up to look like old ladies are brought into the Thunderdome and seated in chairs facing the audience of douches. Fox, 6 Gauge and London must perform lap-dances! On old ladies! Why, that goes against all the rules of nature. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

All three dudes seem to give it their all, but in the end, Daisy is still clearly enamored of London for some unfathomable reason, so he wins.

Later, the contestants gather outside on the lanais to drink and male bond with one another. Flipper thinks his rhymes would make Eminem weep with envy, when actually they just make everyone want to weep, period. He picks a fight with Cable Guy because he's the least likely one in the group to actually fight for no reason and it quickly escalates to Flipper smashing a bottle against his own head and blood pouring down his face. Then he flashes his backside at the group, then his frontside, and, since he's on roll, he proceeds to barge in on Daisy, who is alone in her room, thinking her thoughts and minding her own business. Flipper starts ranting about not wanting to compete against a bunch of morons (pot, kettle, etc.) to get her, and she tries to calm him down by saying that she, of all people, understands how hard it can be--and then he insults her, flips her off, and storms off the show. Although Flipper was probably our last hope for incredibly insane shenanigans, I must say it is a relief to see him go. It was exhausting just watching him be all craaaaazy all the time.

Flipper, we shall miss your backflips and manties and self-harming, but not much.

In his mad rush to get out of there, Flipper apparently forgets his hideous lime green shoes, so naturally Flex pees on them, as does Tool Box. Boys are weird.

Back in Douche Manor, Brooklyn's got problems. He drunkenly calls his girlfriend, who is peeved that he's, you know, on a dating show. She yells that if he makes out with anyone "it's over!" Just before he hangs up, Brooklyn tries to be all, "we're single, right?" but now she's got his phone number and every few minutes, all night long, she calls the house and screams at whoever answers the phone: "CHRIS [aka Brooklyn] HAS A GIRLFRIEND!"

The group dream date is surfing followed by lunch on the beach. Immediately Weasel starts complaining about the lack of proper refreshments; to wit: "Where's the Jack Daniels up in this bitch?" Oh, Weasel. Then when Daisy asks about his career prospects, he says a) his ex-wife supported him for 8 years, b) he used to be a "laser eye surgery" technician, but now c) just wants enough money to put "gas in his boat" and party all the time. Weasel, you're so blowing it, man.

Chi Chi uses his one-on-one time with Daisy to express his innermost yearnings; mainly, that he wants to hold in his arms a "petite" woman with "big boobs." Way to dream big, Chi Chi.

On the ride back, 6 Gauge rats out Brooklyn for the girlfriend phone call drama. Daisy makes a beeline to Brooklyn once they return to the Chateau des Tools, and Brooklyn tries to skirt the issue and Daisy's not too pleased. Then she decides to have some face time with the Professor because she feels she doesn't know much about him. While he yammers on about love and whatnot, she pretty much dozes off, which doesn't bode well for the Professor.

Elimination time! Chi Chi gets the first chain, which means he's getting ever closer to making his dream of hugging fake boobs a reality. Most everyone is safe, except for poor ole Weasel, Brooklyn, and Professor. Endearingly, Weasel tells the camera that he is so nervous his "balls are stuck" to his inner thighs. Unsurprisingly, his tour ends here.

Weasel, aka Pauly, we shall miss your extreme intoxication, rock-n-rolling ways, stuck balls, and old age.

It's down to Brooklyn, whose girlfriend who may or may not be stalking him, and Professor, who is dull. Professor, your tour ends here!

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Professor, aka Brandon, if we can remember what you look like, we shall miss your ersatz intellectualism, your bland "good looks," and your prop glasses.

Next week: Mayhem, madness, and manhandling, I'm pretty sure.