Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Very Felt Up Thanksgiving

Here are a few things we should all be thankful for:

We are not Phaedra's newborn child from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

We probably only have to hear that terrible Train song "Hey Soul Sister" about 1 million more times on commercials and in movies this holiday season, and then we can kill ourselves in a mass suicide, and we'll never hear it again. Yay! (Unless, of course, we're sent to Hell. Then that's all we'll hear for all eternity. Which wouldn't be that different from life on Earth circa 2010. So, kind of a toss up.)

We are not married to The Cult's Billy Duffy, unlike poor, terrified AJ Celi from "Married to Rock."

Yigit won "Top Chef Just Desserts." (Spoiler!)

No one can actually force us to explain who Kellan Lutz, Leighton Meester, or Avan Jogia are.

Tim Gunn's recent spate of delightful non-stop trash-talking about celebrities, which somewhat mitigates the miscarriage of justice that was this season's winner of "Project Runway."

On practically any night of the week we can watch "Swamp People," "Billy The Exterminator," "Ma's Roadhouse," or "Southern Fried Stings." If we have sweet, sweet cable.

Camille Grammer is, at some point this season on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," going to find out on camera about Kelsey Grammer dumping her for a 26-year-old British flight attendant. (Normally this would not be such wonderful tv viewing, but if you've seen gods. If Katharine Heigl had a bitchy, entitled lovechild with Meg Whitman, it would be more likable than Camille.) At least, this is what I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on. Bravo would never let me down, right? Right?

We have not been featured on "Hoarders," "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," or "Intervention." Yet.

Kim Zolzciak exists.

And the #1 thing we have to be thankful for during this time of giving:

God bless us, every one!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Heidi Klum Wears Guerra Well

I know hardly anyone watches "Project Runway" anymore, but those of you who do know that this season's win was the worst highway robbery since the days of Robin Hood. So it was extra-delightful to see Miss Heidi Klum at last night's debut of the lesbian ballet art movie The Black Swan making a protest statement by being decked out in Mondo "I Should've Won" Guerra's polka dot dress, albeit with the sleeves removed:

(image via blogging project runway)

I don't think we'll ever see Heidi in Gretchen "Wretchen" Jones' frumpster clothing, do you?

Monday, November 08, 2010

How Old Is This Woman?

Behold Miss Gloria Vanderbilt:

(image via janet charlton)

Do you think she is:

a) 56 years old

b) 66 years old

c) 76 years old

d) 86 years old

e) frozen in a cryogenic state

If you answered d) 86 years old, you are correct! Will also accept "some mixture of d) and e)."

She was the subject of a scandalous custody battle--in the 1930s! Her first marriage took place in 1945! Anderson Cooper's mother is 86--and just look at her. Is there any huma skin left on there at all? Don't get me wrong, I think she looks amazing--much better than say, Ms. Meg Ryan, who is only 48 (!)--but it still freaks me out.

(And yes, I do realize that a year ago I did almost this exact same post--she just gets more mesmerizing with every passing day!)

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

QUAIDS Crisis Still Spreading

(image via people)

To no one's real surprise, Randy and Evi Quaid failed to show up at their arraignment for felony vandalism charges in Santa Barbara, California on Tuesday. I'm sure they were just totally busy trying to evade the "star-whackers" who are no doubt trailing their every move.

According to People magazine, Evi is now facing yet another warrant for her arrest, the repayment of a $500,000 bond, and a long jail sentence:

Evi's bail amount of $500,000 was forfeited, court spokeswoman Liz Jahadhmy confirms to PEOPLE. A new bench warrant in the same amount was issued against Evi.

Evi, 47, whose probation had been revoked for her previous hotel-bill-skipping case, is expected to face significant jail time. Both are accused of squatting in and causing damage to a Montecito, Calif. home they previously owned.

Randy's $500,000 bail remains in place, because the Quaids' attorney, Robert Sanger, told the judge that the actor, 60, was required to stay in Canada until he can appear for an immigration hearing there on Nov. 8.

A warrant for Randy was also issued Tuesday, but held on condition he shows for the couple's next hearing on Nov. 16.
Is it time to take Dog The Bounty Hunter at his word and sicc him on the Quaids? Will this all end up making for a very special episode of "Intervention"? When is Dennis Quaid going to say or do anything? Felt Up has questions, dammit!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Breaking News: Miley Cyrus' Mom Did It With Bret Michaels

(image via us weekly)

O...M...G...ya'll. Why are Miley Cyrus' parents Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus getting divorced? Because Tish had an affair with BRET MICHAELS. According to US Weekly:

The reason Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday).

When Billy Ray learned of it - as well as at least one other fling - he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly.

Michaels, 47, "became close to the entire family" this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet "Nothing to Lose," an insider tells Us Weekly.

He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly.

Tish was seen at Michaels' Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company’s help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie.

"Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on," the source says of the "Achy Breaky Heart" crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.)

Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, "There has never been an affair or a fling," and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, "It was a professional relationship that turned into something more."

Well, at least it was the age-appropriate (although not maritally appropriate) mom and not the extremely age-inappropriate daughter. That's about the best silver lining I can come with for this situation. Look at that photo above. They kind of look alike, although something peculiar is going on with Bret's face, especially around the eye area. If he doesn't watch out he's going to start looking like Felt Up Patron Saint Jocelyn Wildenstein. Or a blond Carrot Top. (Shudder.)

Will Brett adopt Miley? Will they have a whole new empire of blended family reality shows, like "Rock of Mom" or "The Michaels Bunch"?

Poor Billy Ray. I could make an achy-breaky heart reference, but I will REFRAIN.