Thursday, April 15, 2010

Famous Last Words


So apparently Malcolm McLaren's last words were "Free Leonard Peltier," which, on the whole, I think is kind of awesome, whatever your beliefs about Peltier. Controversial, topical, retro, out-of-left-field, silly and serious at the same time--everything your final words should be. (Also great: Jack Donaghey's premature deathbed confession on "30 Rock": "I wish I'd worked more.")

What would I like my last words to be? Hard to say. Right now I'm leaning towards "Free Pie." But I have given some thought to how I'd like my funeral to play out. Basically, I'd want to maximize what I can only assume will be tremendous--nay, even hysterical--grief that will be pouring out of my mourners. So in order to get the most waterworks out of everyone in attendance, I would like to play the following songs as my ashes are laid to rest (perhaps in a corgi-shaped urn):

1) "In My Life" by The Beatles. Makes me cry practically every time, and I would hope a funereal setting would only intensify the sadness.

2) "Total Eclipse of the Heart," by Miss Bonnie Tyler. Humorous, quasi-ironic, also known to my friends as my karoake jam of choice. Wry chuckles tinged with tears--a nice break in the frenzy of grieving that will surely be on display. (And a better choice than my other karaoke go-to, "I Will Survive," for obvious reasons.)

Of course it goes without saying that during all this there will be a montage of highly Photoshopped/flattering photos of my heyday (circa 1978-99) on a posterboard display, perhaps with glitter; many, many heartfelt and emotional tributes from my friends and family; a diruptive and some might say distasteful speech by Sasheen Littlefeather rejecting my funeral on the grounds that until Native Americans are treated fairly by the gossip indrusty, the whole event is a farce; a sweet note and giant spray of flowers in the shape of cha-cha heels sent by John Waters, out of his deep and longlasting (if silent and uncommunicated) love and respect for my writing; and then the kicker:

3) "Amazing Grace" played softly by a lone kilted bagpiper. It totally kills me whenever it's played at a fire or policeman's funeral, and should be the coup de grace for a final Felt Up farewell. Cue tears!

Then, naturally, free pie for everyone. To relieve the tortuous, unbearable pain.

And SCENE.

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