Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Quaids Free on Bail

Somehow, Randy and Evi Quaid scraped together the money and posted bail, so the Quaids are officially on the LOOSE, free to wander among us. I predict shenanigans!

Here are their mug shots:

(image via CBS News)

I have to admit, they look pretty spunky for two insane jailbird alleged inn-defrauders.

Monday, April 26, 2010


(image via radaronline.com)

Radar Online reports that formerly-on-the-lam crazies Randy and Evi Quaid are currently behind bars, after dragging themselves into a Santa Barbara courthouse to face defrauding an innkeeper charges:

Randy and Evi Quaid finally decided to show up to court on Monday, and when they did they were thrown in jail, RadarOnline.com learned exclusively.

We spoke to Santa Barbara District Attorney Arnie Tolks who told us that the Quaids arrived at court Monday morning with their attorney Robert Sanger and a bail bondsman. They went before judge Frank Ochoa and their attorney attempted to reinstate their old bail.

DA Tolks told RadarOnline.com: "The court was angry. Judge Ochoa told the Quaids that he felt they'd been disrespectful and brought up the last time they came to court flashing their Golden Globe award. The Quaids apologized and told him that they didn’t mean to be disrespectful."

Apparently their apologies didn’t work. The judge remanded them to custody and set bail at $100,000. He did give them a slight break by granting the Quaids a credit of $20,000 based on the bail they previously paid.

So that means the Quaids have to come up with $80,000. If they don’t, they stay in jail. Their next mandatory hearing is set for Wednesday.

"They have been ordered to court on Wednesday for a bail hearing and preliminary hearing setting," Tolks said.

A warrant was issued for their arrest after their last failure to show up in court. They are facing charged of defrauding an Inn keeper after allegedly running out on a large bill from a hotel.

The Quaids' saga has gotten stranger and stranger, with both espousing conspiracy theories and other off-the-wall rants while dealing with the legal system.

Sadly, I am fairly certain that Randy Quaid does not have $80,000 lying around his outlaw rented Mercedes to pay for all this legal crapola. Maybe he could hock that Golden Globe?

In the mean time, he better pray that he and Evi GET SEPARATE CELLS! She will set him on fire before swallowing her hidden cyanide pill, probably. I mean, it seems plausible.

O how and where shall this tale end?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Fear and Loathing On The Quaids' Trail 2010

(image via The Daily Beast)

Whoa. The Daily Beast has a super in-depth analysis of the complete and utter insanity that is "Hollywood's Nightmare Couple," AKA The QUAIDS, and it is a DOOZY. Some of this stuff we've gone over before on Felt Up, but I think a refresher is in order, because there's a lot to process.

Here is the reporter, Diane Dimond, describing the couple's arrest last week near Marfa, Texas by sheriff's deputy James Davis, before they went on the lam:
But the 6-foot-4 actor [Randy Quaid], now sporting a full Santa Claus-like beard, was subdued in comparison to his diminutive wife. “It was a psychotic episode with her,” Davis says. “Evi was slapping at and pulling at officers, not really assaulting but resisting full on ... fussing and fuming. I finally got a hold of her, put her down on the hood of the car and put the cuffs on behind her back.” Randy, apparently realizing the severity of the situation, tried to help officers get his wife to calm down.

After the Quaids were booked and photographed, deputies drove them to the bank to withdraw money for their $20,000 bond because, “Frankly, we didn’t want them in our jail overnight.”

Perhaps the strangest part of last week’s incident was that it wasn’t that strange. Davis, for one, had witnessed her act before: “I’ve had a few episodes in the past with her when she shows up screaming at [Marfa city] council meetings. I get called in to keep the peace when she’s around.” And the couple has recently left behind a trail of allegedly unpaid bills, from ritzy hotels to trailer parks, accountants to private detectives, the latter hired to exact revenge on several enemies and to help figure out, in the words of P.I. Becky Altringer, “who was trying to kill them.”

Dimond notes that Evi is "a former nude model for Helmut Newton (huzzah!), which is news to me. I thought she just arrived in the world, fully formed, as The Nutso Wife of Randy Quaid.

The article goes into detail about the Quaids' downward, wacko spiral, which seems to stem from Randy's lifetime banishment from the Actors' Equity union after an entire play's worth of cast and crew complained about the Quaids' bizarre behavior and harrassment:
Two weeks later, the Quaids appeared at union headquarters in Los Angeles and Evi allegedly screamed at employees and physically attacked a 76-year-old receptionist, according to several restraining orders later filed against Evi by Actors' Equity employees. Evi would later say it was all a “despicable lie” from members of a “corrupt union.”
The union expulsion made it difficult for Randy to earn a living; Evi, was, of course, acting as Randy's manager and proceeded to go on a paranoid rampage involving delusions of Mob involvement in a plot to murder the Quaids, credit card fraud, Demerol, and the hiring of private eye Becky Altringer:

Evi filmed her run-in at the union offices with her ever-present handheld camera. Altringer says she was shown the video during a meeting this June at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills at which time the Quaids hired her to get information on those who’d taken out the restraining orders. After the Quaids’ stay at that luxury hotel, the bill was paid with a credit card in the name of “Janet Cross.” Altringer says Evi gave her that card to use for dinner and it was declined.

Altringer quickly got sucked into the Quaids’ strange world. She says they insisted that a former business manager had taken out a million-dollar life-insurance policy on Randy and had hired “the Mob” to kill both Quaids to collect the payout. It was to be staged to look like a murder/suicide, Evi explained, and Altringer’s job was to help identify the “killers.”

Altringer says she witnessed Evi Quaid self-medicating with Demerol three times a day. "She told me she snorted it in her left nostril so it would go right to her brain to cure her migraines. I saw her do this myself. She also … believed [Michael] Jackson was murdered along with Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine, Natasha Richardson, and other stars who (had been) in movies with Randy.”

Altringer says she was instructed by Evi to run a check on several license plate numbers from the funeral of David Carradine. The Quaids were certain the drivers were the “killers.” The plates came back as employees of Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Dude, how awesome is it that Evi Quaid believes there is a conspiracy to murder every actor who ever worked with Randy Quaid? Does this mean Chevy Chase is next on the hit list?

Apparently the couple owes money all over the place, including unpaid bills at fancy hotels, the Mickey Fine Pharmacy in Beverly Hills, a former business manager who is owed $85,000, a friend who says the couple stole antiques from her house after she refused to lend them money, and they kept a rented Mercedes so long the rental company almost declared it stolen ("Evi writes that they abandoned the Mercedes because they feared a bugging device had been installed"--naturellement).

But wait, there's more:
Such seemingly paranoid behavior was on display again this past Friday. At 9:23 am, about 12 hours after the couple was released from jail, Evi Quaid turned up at Marfa, Texas’ rival police department and filed a complaint against Sheriff's Deputy Davis. In a tightly scrawled handwritten grievance she wrote that Davis was part of a plot with the Stagehands’ Union and their former business manager who had been “attempting to acquire our assets illegally by creating false evidence.” She didn’t stop there. Evi then rolled up to the sheriff’s office with a moving truck on which she’d hand painted a sign that read, "Deputy James Davis takes payments ... call & make offers."
Well, on this point I have to admit that it does make a lot of sense that the Marfa, TX police department would be in cahoots with the Stagehands' Union and Randy Quaid's former business manager to steal the assets of a couple who declared banktruptcy in 2000 and are wanted for unpaid bills throughout these United States. She does have a good point, there, I'll give her that.

Oh, and this would make me sleep just great at night if I was Randy Quaid:
Altringer says during the month she worked for the Quaids, Evi told her on an almost daily basis that she and Randy were “going to end up like Phil and Bryn Hartman”–a reference to Saturday Night Live Star Phil Hartman who was shot dead in his bed by his drug-plagued wife Bryn, who then killed herself. The private investigator, whose firm, Aerial Investigations, is owed $17,000 by the Quaids, says she worries Evi’s premonition might come true.
AAAAAAAAAAAH! This is going to end BADLY, I predict. Randy Quaid: Run for your life! Get as far away from this crazy lady as you can! Run, Randy, RUN!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


(image via People)

There is a warrant out for the arrest of Randy and Evi Quaid, after they failed to show up for the umpteenth time for their court appearance in Santa Barbara on "defrauding an innkeeper" charges. According to People Magazine:

Randy and Evi Quaid have run out of chances.

After skipping two court dates this week for felony charges in Santa Barbara, Calif., they went on the lam again and are wanted by the state of California as fugitives.

"If they're picked up in California, they will be put in jail," Santa Barbara Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter tells PEOPLE. "They cannot be released on bail until they come back here and a judge [agrees to] set bail for them."

The Quaids have missed several court dates since they were first charged with defrauding an innkeeper after allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 luxury hotel bill last June. But they have always avoided jail by posting bond, promising time and again to show up, and hiring a succession of lawyers to assure the court they'd appear.

Carter says the couple's own lawyer, Robert Sanger, was assured by the Quaids they'd show up on Tuesday. (Sanger did not respond for comment).

When the couple failed to show, the judge issued a no-bail warrant.

"The warrant will go nationwide," Carter says. "Anyone out there that comes in contact with them can pick up our warrant and start their own felony fugitive case."
Do you hear that, people? D.A. Carter is practically ordering all Americans to hunt down Randy Quaid and his wife and make a citizen's arrest of these outlaws! It's open season--let the Quaid hunt begin!

I'll hit the fur coat and beard-trimmer stores, you head for the Sunglass Hut and the pawn shops--keep an eye out for a 1987 Golden Globe!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Famous Last Words

So apparently Malcolm McLaren's last words were "Free Leonard Peltier," which, on the whole, I think is kind of awesome, whatever your beliefs about Peltier. Controversial, topical, retro, out-of-left-field, silly and serious at the same time--everything your final words should be. (Also great: Jack Donaghey's premature deathbed confession on "30 Rock": "I wish I'd worked more.")

What would I like my last words to be? Hard to say. Right now I'm leaning towards "Free Pie." But I have given some thought to how I'd like my funeral to play out. Basically, I'd want to maximize what I can only assume will be tremendous--nay, even hysterical--grief that will be pouring out of my mourners. So in order to get the most waterworks out of everyone in attendance, I would like to play the following songs as my ashes are laid to rest (perhaps in a corgi-shaped urn):

1) "In My Life" by The Beatles. Makes me cry practically every time, and I would hope a funereal setting would only intensify the sadness.

2) "Total Eclipse of the Heart," by Miss Bonnie Tyler. Humorous, quasi-ironic, also known to my friends as my karoake jam of choice. Wry chuckles tinged with tears--a nice break in the frenzy of grieving that will surely be on display. (And a better choice than my other karaoke go-to, "I Will Survive," for obvious reasons.)

Of course it goes without saying that during all this there will be a montage of highly Photoshopped/flattering photos of my heyday (circa 1978-99) on a posterboard display, perhaps with glitter; many, many heartfelt and emotional tributes from my friends and family; a diruptive and some might say distasteful speech by Sasheen Littlefeather rejecting my funeral on the grounds that until Native Americans are treated fairly by the gossip indrusty, the whole event is a farce; a sweet note and giant spray of flowers in the shape of cha-cha heels sent by John Waters, out of his deep and longlasting (if silent and uncommunicated) love and respect for my writing; and then the kicker:

3) "Amazing Grace" played softly by a lone kilted bagpiper. It totally kills me whenever it's played at a fire or policeman's funeral, and should be the coup de grace for a final Felt Up farewell. Cue tears!

Then, naturally, free pie for everyone. To relieve the tortuous, unbearable pain.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Steven's Sex Gall? (Updated!)

(image via RadarOnline)

Wow. Just--wow. From Radar Online:

1990s martial arts actor Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual harassment and illegal trafficking of females for sex.

The lawsuit was brought by his former personal assistant, Kayden Nguyen, who is a 23-year-old former model.

The legal documents say Seagal “treated Ms. Nguyen as his sex toy.”

Nguyen is suing for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representation about employment.

The document also claims that “Mr. Seagal has been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

But Seagal’s top-notch lawyer Marty Singer fired back in ferocious manner. He released this statement to RadarOnline.com:

“The lawsuit filed by Kayden Nguyen against Steven Seagal is a ridiculous and absurd claim by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired. The claims in her lawsuit are a complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth..."

Nguyen claims that she was required “to watch as “Sasha” (Russian attendant) and Mr. Seagal performed sex acts on each other.”

Seagal was working as a Reserve Deputy Chief of the Sheriff's Office in the community of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, something he documented in his A & E reality TV show Steven Seagal: Lawman.

He used Craigslist to hire an executive/personal assistant who could also be on his reality show.

Nguyen was hired in Los Angeles, but then flown to New Orleans to live in Seagal’s house for the show.

On her first night of work, Seagal allegedly engaged in physical and sexual assault by “pushing his hands under her shirt and attemping to fondle her bare breast,” and “forcing her head against his bare chest.”

Then she claims the next morning things got even worse. He allegedly “forcibly held her legs apart.” Then “forced his hand down her pants…” The document goes into graphic detail that isn’t suitable for all audiences.

Then the suit alleges a third physical assault took place a few hours later, where “Seagal forcibly lifted Ms. Nguyen’s blouse, forced his head on her bare chest and attempted to suck her breasts and nipples. He stopped only when she ran.”

After only a few days of work, Nguyen left the house on Sunday, February 28, 2010.

Seagal, who practices Tibetan Buddhism, has six children from three different mothers. In addition Seagal plays the role of guardian to a Tibetan child, Yabshi Pan Rinzinwangmo. Rinzinwangmo, or "Renji", who is the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet. Renji studied in the United States at American University, and Seagal was her guardian and bodyguard.

Nguyen is suing for damages in excess of $1 million. She’s also calling for a jury trial.

If you enjoy salacious legal documents that "aren't suitable for all audiences" (and who doesn't?), then I highly recommend downloading this PDF file: EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS: Steven Seagal Court Documents, which is chock full of juicy details and is scintillating reading.

I don't know what to say about this case except, a) if true, it doesn't surprise me in the least and b) who knew Stevie has a Tibetan Lama as a ward? (Which also doesn't surprise me in the least.) With a name like Seagal, how could he be anything but the true mysterious mystic, martial artiste, and sage that he is? If there were any justice in the world, he would one day be the Dalai Lama. Once he gets this whole sex slave thing straightened out, of course.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Kayden Nguyen was on "The Tyra Banks Show" a year ago claiming to be "a lipstick lesbian" who could "trick" men:

Back in 2009, Kayden Nguyen appeared in an episode titled "The Gay Kingdom" -- in which she bragged, "I can use my sex appeal to get any girl that I want and trick any guy to getting what I want."

As TMZ first reported, Kayden filed a lawsuit against Seagal claiming she took a job as his executive assistant ... but was instead treated like a sex servant.

Kayden's episode was taped on January 29, 2009 -- roughly one year before her alleged sexual encounters with Steven Seagal.
Hmmm...this doesn't necessarily prove that her allegations are made up, but it certainly doesn't help make her case. I predict this whole thing will never even make it to court, which would be a huge loss for ALL of us. I was really looking forward to Steven Seagal having to face a brutal cross-examination about his spray-on ponytail...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Getting The Damn Bullet Back: The New Billy Joe Shaver Album Title?

Well, Billy Joe Shaver was found not guilty of aggravated assault on Friday, and here are some highlights.

First up, when Shaver took the stand in his defense, he said he feared for his life when Billy Coker (the man Shaver shot in the face) stirred his drink with a knife and then asked Shaver to step outside:

During cross-examination, prosecutor Beth Toben tried to use Shaver's outlaw image against him.

She suggested that he could have just left the bar if he had felt so intimidated.

That would have been "chicken shit," Shaver replied.

You can't argue with that, now can you?

After his aquittal, Billy Joes was clearly very contrite:

“I am very sorry about the incident,” Shaver said while standing in front of the McLennan County Courthouse. “Hopefully things will work out where we become friends.”

Hours later, at a gig at the Firehouse Saloon in Houston, Shaver had a different message for Coker, according to a video taken that night and posted on Youtube by TotalEBitchinNetwork.

“They asked me… what are you going to do about that boy you shot,” Shaver told a jovial crowd. “I said I’m getting the damn bullet back.

We got some more details about the damage to Coker's mustache:
According to testimony, Shaver used a tiny .22 caliber gun to shoot Coker. Coker testified that the bullet entered through his “mustache area,” knocked out a tooth and a crown and ripped through his mouth before lodging in the back of his neck. He has mostly recovered, he said.
Then as soon as the trial was over, Shaver, his band, Dale Watson, Robert Duvall, and Willie Nelson made a beeline for a night club in Houston for a scheduled performance:

After bantering with the crowd to start the Firehouse Saloon gig, Shaver, 70, launched into his “Georgia on a Fast Train,” which featured members of his band playing like they had been cooped up in a courtroom all week. Members of Shaver’s band sat through some of the trial, along with Willie Nelson and actor Robert Duval.

Later in the show, according to the Culture Map Houston Web site, Austin’s Dale Watson joined Shaver on stage. Together they performed “You Asked Me To,” a song written by Shaver and once covered by Elvis Presley. Next, Watson played his song “Where Do You Want It,” which is what several witnesses said Shaver said before shooting Coker on March 31, 2007 at Papa Joe’s Texas Saloon in Lorena, about 15 miles south of Waco.

And that is that. Are there any lessons to be learned from this? I think one thing we would all do well to remember: If the bar is out of stirrers, use a straw.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Stars Show Shaver Support

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

The Billy Joe Shaver "shot a guy in the face" trial continued today in beautiful Waco, Texas, and there were movie and music stars and "feisty" doctors in attendance!

Michael Corcoran, the music writer for the Austin American-Statesman, posted this report today:

Willie Nelson and Robert Duvall showed their deep friendship for Billy Joe Shaver, who is accused of aggravated assault for shooting Billy Coker in the face March 31, 2007, in Lorena, by sitting through about three hours of deadly dull proceedings Thursday in Waco.

“Hey, I want you to meet my bail bondsman,” Shaver said during one break, introducing Duvall to one of the people who packed the 90-capacity McLennan County courtroom. Photographers waited three deep outside the courtroom doors as the celebrities exited for lunch break.

Shaver, wearing a Texas flag tie and the same brown jacket he wore opening day, is expected to take the stand this afternoon after the prosecution calls its last witness...

Dr. Scott Peterson, the trauma specialist who treated Billy Coker after he was shot outside Papa Joe’s bar in Lorena, 15 miles south of Waco, was a somewhat feisty witness when questioned by Billy Joe Shaver’s attorney Dick DeGuerin, who hammered away at Coker’s admission to Hillcrest Hospital staff that he “drinks quite a bit of alcohol every day.”

Asked if Coker seemed drunk the night of the March 31, 2007 shooting, Peterson said “everybody I see is on drugs and alcohol,” then adjusted the total to 85% of the people he treats.

When DeGuerin tried to establish a bullet path that suggested Coker was crouched and charging Shaver when he was shot, Peterson said he wasn’t a bullet specialist. “You know about powder burns, don’t you?” DeGuerin asked, to which Peterson replied, “yeah, from ‘CSI.’”

Coker spent just a day in the hospital before being discharged.

I love that the trauma doctor said that "everyone" he treats is on drugs or alcohol. Or at least 85%. Feisty, indeed. Actually, the whole trial seems pretty feisty, as far as trials go. It's pretty feisty to call Willie Nelson and Robert Duvall as character witnesses, that's for sure. Why, this is probably the most excitement they've had in Waco law enforcement since...well, never mind.

Oh, and I hereby add Robert Duvall to my shortlist of "Where Do Want It: The Billy Joe Shaver Story" leading actor contenders:

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

The Ballad of Billy Joe

(image via The Austin American-Statesman)

Is anyone besides me following the Billy Joe Shaver trial in fabulous Waco, Texas? It's pretty fascinating stuff.

Billy Joe is a not-very-well-known-outside-of-Texas country-ish singer-songwriter (whose songs have been covered by Bob Dylan, Elvis, and Waylon Jennings) whose persona is that of the extreme crusty ole outlaw who has seen pain and suffering you can't even imagine. He is accused of shooting some guy in the face in a bar called Papa Joe's near Waco. The case involves a knife being used to stir a drink, Billy Joe allegedly asking the victim "Where do want it?" (ie, the bullet about to enter his body), a suicide, a woman (of course), and flamboyantly folksy defense attorney Dick DeGuerin, whose former clients include David Kuresh, Tom DeLay, and Kay Baily Hutchinson. DeGuerin already brought people in the courtroom to tears by telling a prospective juror and Iraq veteran something about him being the reason they "are all here," by which he meant an assault-with-a-deadly-weapon trial. His legal strategy includes such statements as "put yourself in Billy Joe's boots."

If I were casting "Where Do You Want It: The Billy Joe Shaver Story," I would put David Carradine in the title role, but unfortunately, as we all know, Mr. Carradine died in an auto-eroric-asphyxiation tragedy in Thailand. Perhaps that awesome guy from Kill Bill who was not David Carradine, the one who played both the sheriff and the Mexican pimp? Michael Parks. He could do it.

Anyway, the victim survived and now has a bullet lodged in his neck.

My favorite story from the jury selection proceedings: One lady said she'd never heard of Billy Joe and couldn't care less, but claimed she wasn't "being tacky." Billy Joe was seen to mutter "ditto" under his breath.

The whole story is already legendary; here's the Dale Watson song about the case called "The Ballad of Billy Joe":