Wednesday, December 15, 2010

They Really Are Kardooky



The awesome Kardashian Christmas Card makes me think they could be the new Addams Family, except, you know....trashy.

Hot Couple Alert: Denikki Sixxards


(image via usweekly)

Boy oh boy, Denise Richards sure knows how to pick 'em. After the emotional rollercoaster of being married to Charlie Sheen and then dating the ex-husband (Richie Sambora) of her now-ex-best friend (Dame Heather Locklear), she has wisely chosen to give her heart to noted humble gent Motley Crue bassist Nikki "I Like To Talk About Myself In the Third Person A Lot" Sixx, who seems to finally have gotten over Kat Von D, who dumped him for internationally-reviled cheater/possible Nazi Jesse James. Whew! I need a flow chart or something to keep track of all this l'amour.

Anyway, new couple! Let's take bets on how long it lasts...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Separated At Birth?

I never thought I would wake up this morning and make this celebrity comparison, but take a wee gander at this photo of 1980s star and Felt Up Grande Dame Emeritus Emma Samms:


(image via eriklerouge)

....and then drink in this very recent shot of Christina Ricci:


(image via the wow report)

I'm not crazy, right? Emma Samms for the WIN. (She's also looking just the teensiest bit like Ms. Shannon Doherty.) None of this is terrible news, of course, and she looks super-glam and all--it simply means that SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE CHRISTINA RICCI.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Twin Freaks

Ah, the mysterious yin and yang of cosmetic surgery. Earlier this week, there was the yin, represented by wonderful-looking 59-year-old "Wonder Woman" star Lynda Carter.

And now, the YANG:


(image via thedailymail)

Ack! It's Lara Flynn Boyle! I think.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

I Say A Little Prayer For You


(image via 8notes)

I hate to sound like Camille Grammer and make this all about ME, ME, ME, but I knew I was really going to regret not spending $250 to see Aretha Franklin in Austin a few years ago.

I just had a feeling...

Kash and Karry With The Kardashians


(image via honeygerman)

I just love the New York Times' "Critical Shopper" column, which reviews stores instead of movies or books; I'm sure being in the retail game (when not humbly blogging away, of course) may have something to do with it. There are exceptions: Uber-hipster Cintra Wilson's repulsively snobby and vicious review of the flagship JC Penney's in Manhattan, for example. However, today my two worlds have collided, in a delightful way, with the "Critical Shopper"'s report on Dash, the new New York outpost of the Kardashian Sisters' retail empire. Huzzah!

Writer Jon Caramanica gets the tone--humor without rancor--just right. He and his friends try to figure out which Kardashian they are ("Fleur was “a Khloé with a strong undercurrent of Kourtney”; Bolt, “a Khloé with Kim rising.” Ace pleaded ignorance, though she’s a Kim, through and through. Me, probably more Kourtney than I’d care to admit, so let’s say mostly Kim and call it a day." Except for having pals named Fleur, Bolt, and Ace, I can relate to this game. I believe myself to be mainly a shorter Khloé with a dash of Bruce Jenner.)

He and his friends find Dash to have the impermanent, empty feeling of a "pop-up store," as if the whole enterprise was simply an excuse/set piece for the new tv show "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and perhaps that is exactly what it is.

As for the clothes, Caramanica describes some selections thusly:

A floppy suede Eugenia Kim hat ($276) suggested a daytime Kourtney, or a nighttime Khloé. One of the store’s best items was a hooded draped black vest, by Rachel Pally ($226), suitable either for a post-yoga Kim, or stylish pagans.

Hee hee. There are also Kardashian-themed souvenirs and trinkets, like a $10 Kardashian bottled water. If you're into this kind of thing, the article is worth the full read. Kool kids krave Kardashian kicks!

Wonder Woman, Indeed

After seeing this photo of Miss Lynda Carter at the Kennedy Center Honors the other night, I hereby nominate everyone's favorite "Wonder Woman"' for the "First Annual Joan Collins Award for Excellence in Plastic Surgery--Age 59 and Older," created by me, your humble Felt Up blogette, in order to acknowledge truly AMAZING advances in the field of celebrity nip/tucks:


(image via wowreport)

Doesn't she look incredible? She was, of course, very beautiful to begin with, but whatever work she's had done is very tasteful and effective. She is still recognizably Miss Lynda Carter, but, you know, enhanced. She is almost 60 years old, people. (Take note, Meg Ryan. It is possible to have plastic surgery and not end up looking like a cross between The Joker and Alvin Chipmunk.)

'Tis The Season

For some reason, this photo of Felt Up Patron Saint John Waters and Justin Beiber makes me think of Christmas:


(image via zap2it)

It just seems so festive!

Monday, December 06, 2010

Celebrity Math

Kim Jong Il puppet from Team America

(image via sipseystreetirregulars)

+

Jim Jones

(image via joeljamescomedy)

+

"Top Chef"'s Stephen Asprinio

(image via jan norris)

=

Wikileaks' Julian Assange

(image via the daily mail)

QED

Friday, December 03, 2010

Burlesque is the Antin-dote to The Winter Blahs


(image via 80millionmoviesfree)

Friends, your humble Felt Up blogette finally saw Burlesque last night, and despite all the bad reviews (mainly comparing it unfavorably with Showgirls, Chicago, and Cabaret), I can honestly say that it was a festive delight, especially since there was a loud, drunken group of middle-aged Latinas behind us who hooted and hollered in Spanish throughout the spectacle (especially at a brief glimpse of a male naked bottom) and the rest of the audience applauded the musical numbers and we all just generally had a gay ole time. Of course it's not as ridonkulous as Showgirls--NOTHING WILL EVER BE AS RIDONKULOUS AS SHOWGIRLS!--or as awesome as Cabaret or Chicago (which was almost ruined by Renee Zellweger's pinchy-faced weirdness, anyway)--but it does have CHER.

Whoever did the costumes on this thing did a pretty damn good job, even though I thought there should be at least one pair of pasties in a movie called Burlesque. If they give out a special Oscar for Best Use of Retro Underpants in a Musical, this movie should win it, hands down.

So, if you want some escapist good times featuring lots of frilly underbottoms, see-through mesh brassieres, not one but two Cher showcase lollapalooza musical numbers, and the great Stanley Tucci reprising his role from The Devil Wears Prada, then Burlesque is for you, especially after a few cocktails. (I must note, however, the CRIMINAL underuse of Dame Alan Cumming--I can only imagine there is a cutting room floor filled with some amazing scenes of his. Surely they could have lopped off one or two of the 5,000 Christina Aquilera-does-Etta-James numbers? Sigh...)

When the credits rolled, I was delighted to see that Steve Antin was the director. Steve Antin was the star of The Last American Virgin and was the bad guy in Goonies and used to date power gay David Geffen. I find his entire family entirely FASCINATING. His brother is Jonathan Antin, late of the greatest, most hilariously insane reality show ever, "Blow Out" (you know, the one about the uber-straight LA hairdresser, Jonathan, who sobbed uncontrollably when his line of hair products, Jonathan Product, got a bar code?) and his sister is Robin Antin, founder of The Pussycat Dolls, which before it became the harbinger of the muscical Apocalypse was a burlesque troupe (and yet she is not listed as a "consultant" on Burlesque, which is either an admirable rejection of Hollywood nepotism or proof of the long-standing feud I just made up in my head that exists between Steve and Robin). These three will stop at nothing as they scratch and claw their way to the D-List, and I applaud them for it!


Jonathan, Steve, and Robin Antin!
(image via acesshowbiz)

Most interesting of all? Just look at what Steve has done to his face over the years:

Last American Virgin heyday:

(image via NNDB)

Current:

(image via zimbio)

He doesn't look bad, or old--he just doesn't look particularly human; it's a little too Madame Tussaud's around the edges for my taste. But who am I to judge? He is part of America's royal family of second-tier entertainment, for god's sake! Long live the Antins!

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

We Must All Pray For Michael Douglas' Speedy Recovery



In case you needed any more reasons to root for Michael Douglas' return to good health after his current battle with throat cancer, well look no further. As soon as he gets better he is supposed to star in Steven Soderbergh's new biopic as...LIBERACE.

I was super-crushed when the Liberace Museum closed down in Las Vegas (maybe the proposed--by Randy Quaid--Randy Quaid Musuem could take it's place?), but I'm hoping against hope that this movie will bring a whole new wave of Liberace-mania to the USA and beyond.

The fact that the director is Steven Soderbergh makes me think it might actually be a decent movie. And I think Michael Douglas is a really good fit for the role, actually, for some strange reason. I guess he will mainly be portraying later era Liberace, though. So get well soon, kid, and start a) practicing the piano, and b) getting those gams in shape!

(And while we're on the subject of Liberace, I'd like to direct your attention to the following photograph I found while researching the scandal-plagued Liberace Museum. Yes, that is a MINI-LIBERACE puppet protesting the closing of the museum. God, I love Vegas.)


(image via ken owens)

News Flash


(image via the telegraph)

I'm already sick to death of William and Kate's wedding.

Quaids Hit The Big Time


(image via vanity fair)

Christmas has come early! The new Vanity Fair has an in-depth profile of America's favorite fugitives, The Quaids, and it's already online.

Here are some choice tidbits I hadn't heard about until this article:

The Quaids are "sometimes" sleeping in their Prius in Vancouver.

Evi Quaid once had an L.A. art gallery show featuring "giant photographs of her pierced vagina."

When they showed up in court with Randy's Golden Globe, Evi also had a "valid credit card" attached to her forehead.

They tried to build a Randy Quaid Museum in Marfa, Texas. (And if it ever gets built, I guess I'm finally going to have to go to Marfa!)

The Quaids allegedly have not defrauded just one innkeeper, but a whole string of fancy California hotels: "They reportedly had unpaid charges at the Bel-Air in Beverly Hills ($17,000), the Biltmore in Montecito ($500), and San Francisco’s Nob Hill Hotel ($55,243)." Evi, naturally, "insisted they had paid all the bills in full."

Evi claims that Madonna tried to lure Randy away from her on the set of Bloodhounds of Broadway so she, Randy, and Jennifer Grey could have a ménage a trois.

They have pitched a reality show called Star Trackers, which has "Evi and Randy playing a Bonnie-and-Clyde-like couple that hunts down the Hollywood Star Whackers."

Evi directed a movie in 1999 called The Debtors, starring Randy and Michael Caine (!), which was never realeased due to the producers' squeamishness about a "squirting rubber penis."

Oh, there a thousand twists and turns in this story, including appearances by Robert Blake (framed!), Chris Penn (murdered!), Jeremy Piven (poisoned!), David Carradine (murdered!), Mel Gibson (framed!), Michael Jackson (part of a conspiracy!), Meg Ryan (jealous slut!), an Andy Warhol painting (with hidden meaning!)--it just goes on and on, and is really, really complicated. Go read the thing and see if you can make sense of the Quaids worldview, because it's too much for my noggin to wrap itself around.

Sadly, by all accounts, Randy Quaid was a sweet, relatively normal (for an actor) man whose wife turned him against his friends and supporters, spent all his money on fancy clothes, and may literally be driving him insane with her paranoid fantasies about a "cabal" of bankers, agents, lawyers, etc who conspired to take Randy's royalty checks and real estate. I hope nothing truly terrible happens; right now, it's kooky good gossip. But it could easily take a turn for tragic. Keep it kooky, kids! Please!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Very Felt Up Thanksgiving



Here are a few things we should all be thankful for:

We are not Phaedra's newborn child from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

We probably only have to hear that terrible Train song "Hey Soul Sister" about 1 million more times on commercials and in movies this holiday season, and then we can kill ourselves in a mass suicide, and we'll never hear it again. Yay! (Unless, of course, we're sent to Hell. Then that's all we'll hear for all eternity. Which wouldn't be that different from life on Earth circa 2010. So, kind of a toss up.)

We are not married to The Cult's Billy Duffy, unlike poor, terrified AJ Celi from "Married to Rock."

Yigit won "Top Chef Just Desserts." (Spoiler!)

No one can actually force us to explain who Kellan Lutz, Leighton Meester, or Avan Jogia are.

Tim Gunn's recent spate of delightful non-stop trash-talking about celebrities, which somewhat mitigates the miscarriage of justice that was this season's winner of "Project Runway."

On practically any night of the week we can watch "Swamp People," "Billy The Exterminator," "Ma's Roadhouse," or "Southern Fried Stings." If we have sweet, sweet cable.

Camille Grammer is, at some point this season on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," going to find out on camera about Kelsey Grammer dumping her for a 26-year-old British flight attendant. (Normally this would not be such wonderful tv viewing, but if you've seen Camille...ye gods. If Katharine Heigl had a bitchy, entitled lovechild with Meg Whitman, it would be more likable than Camille.) At least, this is what I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on. Bravo would never let me down, right? Right?

We have not been featured on "Hoarders," "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," or "Intervention." Yet.

Kim Zolzciak exists.

And the #1 thing we have to be thankful for during this time of giving:



God bless us, every one!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Heidi Klum Wears Guerra Well

I know hardly anyone watches "Project Runway" anymore, but those of you who do know that this season's win was the worst highway robbery since the days of Robin Hood. So it was extra-delightful to see Miss Heidi Klum at last night's debut of the lesbian ballet art movie The Black Swan making a protest statement by being decked out in Mondo "I Should've Won" Guerra's polka dot dress, albeit with the sleeves removed:


(image via blogging project runway)

I don't think we'll ever see Heidi in Gretchen "Wretchen" Jones' frumpster clothing, do you?

Monday, November 08, 2010

How Old Is This Woman?

Behold Miss Gloria Vanderbilt:


(image via janet charlton)

Do you think she is:

a) 56 years old

b) 66 years old

c) 76 years old

d) 86 years old

e) frozen in a cryogenic state

If you answered d) 86 years old, you are correct! Will also accept "some mixture of d) and e)."

She was the subject of a scandalous custody battle--in the 1930s! Her first marriage took place in 1945! Anderson Cooper's mother is 86--and just look at her. Is there any huma skin left on there at all? Don't get me wrong, I think she looks amazing--much better than say, Ms. Meg Ryan, who is only 48 (!)--but it still freaks me out.

(And yes, I do realize that a year ago I did almost this exact same post--she just gets more mesmerizing with every passing day!)

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

QUAIDS Crisis Still Spreading


(image via people)

To no one's real surprise, Randy and Evi Quaid failed to show up at their arraignment for felony vandalism charges in Santa Barbara, California on Tuesday. I'm sure they were just totally busy trying to evade the "star-whackers" who are no doubt trailing their every move.

According to People magazine, Evi is now facing yet another warrant for her arrest, the repayment of a $500,000 bond, and a long jail sentence:

Evi's bail amount of $500,000 was forfeited, court spokeswoman Liz Jahadhmy confirms to PEOPLE. A new bench warrant in the same amount was issued against Evi.

Evi, 47, whose probation had been revoked for her previous hotel-bill-skipping case, is expected to face significant jail time. Both are accused of squatting in and causing damage to a Montecito, Calif. home they previously owned.

Randy's $500,000 bail remains in place, because the Quaids' attorney, Robert Sanger, told the judge that the actor, 60, was required to stay in Canada until he can appear for an immigration hearing there on Nov. 8.

A warrant for Randy was also issued Tuesday, but held on condition he shows for the couple's next hearing on Nov. 16.
Is it time to take Dog The Bounty Hunter at his word and sicc him on the Quaids? Will this all end up making for a very special episode of "Intervention"? When is Dennis Quaid going to say or do anything? Felt Up has questions, dammit!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Breaking News: Miley Cyrus' Mom Did It With Bret Michaels


(image via us weekly)

O...M...G...ya'll. Why are Miley Cyrus' parents Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus getting divorced? Because Tish had an affair with BRET MICHAELS. According to US Weekly:

The reason Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday).

When Billy Ray learned of it - as well as at least one other fling - he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly.

Michaels, 47, "became close to the entire family" this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet "Nothing to Lose," an insider tells Us Weekly.

He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly.

Tish was seen at Michaels' Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company’s help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie.

"Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on," the source says of the "Achy Breaky Heart" crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.)

Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, "There has never been an affair or a fling," and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, "It was a professional relationship that turned into something more."

Well, at least it was the age-appropriate (although not maritally appropriate) mom and not the extremely age-inappropriate daughter. That's about the best silver lining I can come with for this situation. Look at that photo above. They kind of look alike, although something peculiar is going on with Bret's face, especially around the eye area. If he doesn't watch out he's going to start looking like Felt Up Patron Saint Jocelyn Wildenstein. Or a blond Carrot Top. (Shudder.)

Will Brett adopt Miley? Will they have a whole new empire of blended family reality shows, like "Rock of Mom" or "The Michaels Bunch"?

Poor Billy Ray. I could make an achy-breaky heart reference, but I will REFRAIN.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Close Encounters of the Reid Kind

Oh, dear. Tara Reid is looking just a bit...


(image via jezebel)

...like the alien from Close Encounters of the Third Kind:


(image via web orange uk)

And not in a good way.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee

Oh, it's all becoming so much clearer, now. Randy and Evi Quaid were not merely making a run for the Canadian border, they were arrested in Vancouver after causing some kind of street ruckus and are now seeking REFUGEE status because Heath Ledger and David Carradine died and they think they're next. Makes perfect sense to me.

According to CBC News:
U.S. actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are seeking refugee status in Canada, telling an Immigration and Refugee Board hearing in Vancouver that they fear for their lives in the U.S.

The Quaids told the hearing Friday that eight of their close friends had been killed in recent years and they now felt endangered themselves.

Evi Quaid said friends such as actors David Carradine and Heath Ledger were "murdered" under mysterious circumstances and she's worried something will happen to her husband.

"We feel our lives are in danger," she said.

"Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners ... We feel that we're next."

Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in the movie Brokeback Mountain. He died in January 2008 from an accidental overdose.

Actor Randy Quaid leaves an immigration hearing in Vancouver after saying he is seeking refugee status in Canada.

Actor Randy Quaid leaves an immigration hearing in Vancouver after saying he is seeking refugee status in Canada. (CBC)

Carradine was star of the hit 1970s television series Kung Fu and also had a movie career before he hanged himself in Thailand last year. He was 72.

The Quaids were released late Friday after posting bonds of $10,000 each.

The couple were arrested Thursday after Vancouver police were called for assistance concerning an incident near West 41st Avenue and Yew Street.

"While checking the identity of a man and a woman at that location, they learned that the two were wanted on outstanding warrants from the United States," said police in a statement issued on Friday morning.

Geez Louise! They have truly gone over the bend. Paranoid delusions of grandeur (who really cares about the Quaids very much except moi and "Dog" Chapman?), persecution complex, etc etc. I am no doctor, but I think I can safely diagnose these two as suffering from nutty nutballitis.

Sad. Yet fascinating!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Quaids Being Hunted Doggy-Style

Well, just when I thought the Quaids Crisis couldn't get any weirder, we have this latest update to ponder, which happens to involve not just Randy and Evi Quaid making a run for an international border, but also bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman thrusting himself into the situation, for no apparent reason except to delight the likes of me. Entertainment Weekly reports:

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested in Vancouver on Wednesday for immigration violations charges after recently skipping a court date in California. The actor, 60, and his wife, 47, are set to appear before a Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board hearing this afternoon, a spokesman for the department told CTV News.

The headline-grabbing couple originally made news back in September when they were charged with felony burglary on suspicion of illegally squatting in the guest house of a California home they owned in the 1990s. Evi was also charged with resisting arrest.

Earlier this week, a judge in Santa Barbara issued $50,000 bench warrants when the Quaids failed to show for their arraignment hearing. Celebrity bounty hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman issued a public challenge to the couple on Thursday night, urging Quaid to turn himself in or he would capture them personally.
Sadly, the Quaids' arrest means we were all denied our God-given right to see the Dog kick in a Marfa motel room door and scream obscenities at a defiant Evi and Randy, all of whom would probably be armed to the teeth with taser guns, pepper spray, and insanity, on a very special episode of "Dog: The Bounty Hunter." Sigh.

Apparently the ultimatum to the Quaids was issued by Dog on "Lopez Tonight," and the video is right here for your viewing pleasure.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Quaids On The Lam--Again


(images via foxnews.com)

Randy
and Evi Quaid naturally failed to show up on Monday for their court hearing related to their perfectly logical felony vandalism/squatting charges (or totally understandable "theft-by-corpse" swindle, depending on whether you are sane or not) in Santa Barbara, CA, so an arrest warrant has been issued for America's craziest sweethearts. One more won't matter much, eh?

The Daily Beast posted an epic timeline today of their continuing crime spree; here are the latest entries to catch you up on the insanity:
Sept. 19, 2010: Squatting was fun while it lasted for Randy and Evi. A Santa Barbara property owner calls the police on them in September, accusing the couple of living in their former home illegally. The Quaids had trouble parting with the place—Randy carved his initials in the mailbox and the two allegedly hung photos of themselves over the fireplace, breaking a $7,000 mirror in the process, according to TMZ. The couple is arrested on charges of felony residential burglary and the misdemeanor of entering a noncommercial building without consent. Evi, ever eager to one up her husband, receives an additional charge for resisting arrest yet again when Animal Control comes to take the Quaids’ dog, Doji. They are released after posting $50,000 bail.

Sept. 21, 2010: In an early Halloween celebration, Randy and Evi are caught in a fraudulent corpse conspiracy—or so they claim. The couple say they were targeted in the property owner’s scheme to steal their home using the forged signature of dead woman, Ronda Quaid, in 1992 in an effort to transfer ownership to a third party. Randy tells TMZ in the aftermath, "If you don’t stick up for what’s yours and defend what’s yours, then what are you?" Evi, on the other hand, is all about nature—she tells the site’s cameraman she hopes to reclaim her garden and "water the roses."

Oct. 18, 2010: Once again, the Quaids don’t seem too keen on defending what’s theirs, as they fail to show up to a court hearing for their felony burglary charge. The Santa Barbara DA’s office issues a $50,000 warrant for the arrest of each of them, FoxNews reports Tuesday.

I think Joy Division said it best: "Where will it end? Where will it end?"

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Separated At Birth?

Is it just me, or is Spoon's Britt Daniel starting to resemble crazed actor/maniac/national treasure Gary Busey?

Daniel:

(photo via hindustan times via NME)

Busey:

(image via gawker)

After all, it's not so far-fetched. They are both fair-haired native sons of Texas, both creative artiste types, both favorites of Felt Up (for wildly different reasons), and are both 66 years old. So it stands to reason.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Right Tuff?

Please read the previous post to get the full gist of my excitement/confusion over the fact that one of the newest Bravo Housewives (of Beverly Hills) is none other than Kim Richards, child star of Escape to Witch Mountain and later the be-crimped haired star of Tuff Turf, which also starred James Spader as a rebellious anti-hero, "a loner on a roll," "an outsider on the edge," a tennis-racket-wielding, ribbed-pullover-wearing rebel without a cause. Plus Robert Downey, Jr.!

Behold the AWESOME trailer:



I totally want to see this again. I remember watching it in the '80s, but the time is definitely right to revisit Tuff Turf. IMDB describes the plot thusly:

"A street rebel and his gang have trouble understanding themselves and their world."

Dude, I think we can all relate. It's timeless!

Speaking of timeless, I believe she was also in Meatballs, Part 2.

PS
I also just realized Kim Richards was McLean Stevenson's daughter Ruthie on the much-reviled series "Hello, Larry," which also starred R&B singer Ruth Brown (!); then Kim also appeared as the same character, Ruthie, in a "crossover" stunt on "Dif'rent Strokes." It kind of blows your mind, eh?

Here's what else is mind-blowing:

Kim Richards BEFORE:

(image via tv photo galleries)


Kim Richards AFTER:


(image via kerstin alm photography)

It's not age so much as it that every single feature of her face is different.

Escape to Bitch Mountain


(image via The WOW Report)

OMG. Eek! I had no idea that Kim Richards, one of Paris Hilton's aunts who is on the new show "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," is the same Kim Richards who played "Tia" in Escape to Witch Mountain! If you've seen the promo clips on Bravo, she's the one who says "I was quite famous," and now I believe her! I think the reason I had no inkling it was her is possibly due to the fact that she is ENTIRELY UNRECOGNIZABLE with all the whatnot she's done to her face.

Oh, Escape to Witch Mountain was one of your humble Felt Up blogette's all-time favorite childhood movies, right up there with The Shaggy D.A., The Bad News Bears, and Freaky Friday. (I guess this means The Shaggy D.A. is ripe to be remade as some monstrous CGI-assisted Jim Carrey vehicle, since every single one of the most beloved movies of my youth have been hideously updated, "re-imagined" and destroyed.) I must have seen it a thousand times, plus the sequel Return From Witch Mountain (with villainous Bette Davis and Christopher Lee!) and, naturally, the TV movie Beyond Witch Mountain, which was supposed to turn into a series but never did, which was OK by me, since none of the original cast were in it except for Eddie Albert. I also read the book by Alexander Key. I'm not sure why I was so obsessed with Witch Mountainry, but I was.

Kim Richards was also in the hilariously bad '80s movie Tuff Turf with James Spader, the existence of which I would have totally forgotten about if not for the musings of James St. James over on The Wow Report.

So now I have no choice but to watch "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," so I can weep for the lost youth of both Tia and myself...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Charo!


(image via guanabee)

Just an awesome picture of Charo for the hell of it.

(Friend of Felt Up Terri R.: Halloween idea!)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Quaids Claim They Are The Victims of a "Dead Person" Scheme. Naturally.

Soooo....Here's what Randy and Evi Quaid say the deal is with that stealing a house thing they've got going on. They have "exclusively" told TMZ that:

0920_quaids_mantle_EX_TMZ
[S]omeone forged the signature of a dead woman named Ronda Quaid on a legal document back in 1992 ... and wrongfully transferred ownership of their house to a third party.

As we previously reported, the Quaids were arrested this past weekend -- for allegedly squatting on the property, located in Santa Barbara.

But the Quaids believe they had every right to be on the property ... and insist they can provide proof of the "dead person" scheme.

Evi says they showed up to the house this past weekend to simply perform two decades worth of cleanup and maintenance ... and also to hang a self-portrait (pictured above) over the fireplace.

092010_randy_quaidWe ran into Randy in L.A. yesterday, where he told us he's ready to fight it out in court, saying, "If you don't stick up for what's yours, and defend what's yours ... what are you?"








What are you, indeed?

Wow. Even though I'm quite disappointed that they didn't use a photo for the mantlepiece that incorporated Randy's enormous fur coat, I do think this apparent wedding photo/homage to American Gothic is the next best thing.

As for the "corpse conspiracy" explanation, I, for one, am very much looking forward to a nice, long criminal trial in which all manner of insane Quaid drama can be explored in a court of law. Huzzah!

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Quaids Crisis: More on Their Criminal Squatting Case



More details on the latest development in the ongoing, possibly never-ending Quaids Crisis!

To recap, famed actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested Saturday and charged with felony residential burglary and misdemeanor entering a noncommercial building without consent after the current owner of a home in Santa Barbara called police to report squatters in his guest house. Apparently the Quaids once owned the house but it has been sold several times since they lived there, and they just kind of showed up and starting camping out there, without the consent of the latest owner. (Oh, and Evi was also charged with resisting arrest). TMZ reports:
[T]he owner of the home sent a realtor to the house after an alarm went off Saturday morning. We're told the realtor found the gate codes had been changed, security cameras had all been moved to face up, and Randy had carved his initials in the mailbox.

When the realtor went inside, we're told he found the place trashed -- dirty dishes in the sink, footprints everywhere and clothes that didn't belong to the owner were hanging in the closet.

The kicker -- the Quaids allegedly broke a $7,000 mirror that had been over the fireplace and, according to our source, replaced it with a photo of themselves.
Genius. Why not put up a photo of your crazy selves over the mantle? Please, oh, please, let the photo include Randy's insanely awesome fur coat!

Given their tendency to hang out in the arty West Texas town of Marfa, I sometimes wonder if the Quaids are living their lives like some kind of extended performance art piece, a la that new Joaquin Phoenix "mockumentary" I'm Still Here, except, you know, without any actual cameras rolling.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

This Has All The Makings of An O. Henry Tragi-Comedy

Somehow I need to either a) come up with $200 to purchase this awesome yarn art Charles Bronson portrait for my mom's Christmas present (she is the original and possibly only Charles Bronson female fanatic).


(image via all the way emporium via regretsy)

I could sell my hair, but then she'd probably just get me a brush for Christmas.

Or I could b) learn how to do yarn art, pronto. How hard could it be? Actually, it looks pretty hard...

The Return of the Quaids Crisis!


(image via radar online)

Just when you thought it was safe again on the streets of America, Randy and Evi Quaid have gone on yet another weird crime spree. First it was "defrauding an innkeeper." This time, they stole a house.

Apparently they are accused of "squatting" in a home in Santa Barbara, California that they once owned many years ago, which has since changed hands twice. The current owner, who bought the house in 2007, called the police because they have been living in the guest house of his home without paying rent, plus they've somehow managed to cause $5,000 in damage.

According to TMZ, the official charge was "felony residential burglary and entering a noncommercial building without consent, a misdemeanor." Oh, and naturally that nutjob Evi "got slapped with an additional charge -- resisting arrest."

Since they'd been quiet for a while, I was afraid that the Quaids' days of criss-crossing these United States committing bizarro crimes was over. As Radar Online put it:

Randy and Evi Quaid are legends within the Santa Barbara legal system, a reputation that began when they used an invalid credit card to stay at a luxury hotel. They missed several court dates and Evi eventually pleaded no contest to defrauding an innkeeper. She is currently on probation.

They've also had several run-ins with the law in Texas where they also previously owned a home.

If Evi is on probation, then the resisting arrest charge will be pretty tricky to get out of--not to mention the felony burglary charge. But look at the creepy smile on her face in that mugshot--she doesn't have a care in the world. Huzzah! The Quaids are BACK.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Vampires Can't Hug Snoop Dogg*

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in this totally insanely awesome and somewhat embarrassing video for the brand new Snoop Dogg paen to "True Blood"''s Sookie Stackhouse, "Oh Sookie":



Movieline provided a handy list of some of the best lines in the song:

“Oh Sookie / Come and play on my team / We’ll do it in the daytime / Bill won’t know a thing”

“Sookie / Take this mary jane cookie / and roll with the Dogg / Vampires can’t hug me”

“Try to read my mind / You might get wet”

“Choose big or lose big / I know all the spots / Then order you a gin and juice / at Merlotte’s”

Sam ain’t a man / He done turned into a bitch”

“See Sookie, you should try some of this / You know I get more [bleep] than your brother”

“Bring your best friend, Tara / I got some real Eggs for her to eat / and these eggs come with a whole lot of cheese and greens” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN)

I also very much liked the line rhyming "true blood" with "true bud." And the dancers dressed like Sookie in her Merlotte's waitress uniform.

Huzzahs all around for Snoop Doggy Dogg and his rather unseemly carnal desire for a fictional character on a cable tv vampire show!

*I watched the video again after the sexy vampire-a-looza last night on HBO (thanks Friends of Felt Up Johnny M. and ReRe M.!) and realized it's actually "vampires can't HOOK Snoop Dogg," but I like it better my way.)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I No Longer Understand The World I Live In

Abandon all hope ye who enter here! First it was the Gulf oil spill disaster and now this unfathomable catastrophe for humankind. Because if this is the best that Padma Lakshmi can do, well, ladies, we might as well all just PACK IT IN:


(image via jezebel)

Yes, that's insanely beautiful Miss Padma from "Top Chef" with horrible ole DAVID SPADE. I know this is a cliche, but I really did just throw up a little bit in my mouth.

Maybe they're not on a date. Maybe he's pitching a new reality show to her called "Calling A Spade A Spade," in which he fights racial intolerance using "comedy" at Texas Hold 'Em poker tournaments while wearing a fedora and extremely terrible facial hair. That seems more likely, right?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Nay Nay To NeNe's New Face

Oh, NeNe. NeNe, NeNe, NeNe--what have you done to yourself? You may have been a tad over the top and perhaps a smidge self-obsessed, and maybe just a bit two-faced, and possibly a wee bit insane, but you were my favorite "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star (after Kim's wigs), and you were so much prettier than that horrid Sheree. See how you used to look? What was wrong with it?


(image via untamedmedia)

Now look at what you've gone and done:


(image via theyoungblackandfabulous)

That's NeNe in the MIDDLE, ya'll! It's a tragedy. Maybe not Jennifer Grey-level nosejob tragedy, but tragic nonetheless. Why do people insist on changing their entire appearance for the worse? It's like, "the other Housewives made jokes about my weight so I'll chop off my nose and that'll show 'em!"

No, no NeNe. Ixnay on the ewnay osenay, NeNe.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fun Facts From Felt Up

According to this article in the New York Times about short people, Prince and Danny DeVito are the same height (5' 2"), and they are both taller than George Stephanopoulos (height is not given but let's just say it's tiny' wee").

Here's a handy photo collage to illustrate (Jim Carrey and some woman who is Courtney Love or possibly Melanie Griffith or Death Itself are there for scale):




Discuss.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Quaids Free on Bail

Somehow, Randy and Evi Quaid scraped together the money and posted bail, so the Quaids are officially on the LOOSE, free to wander among us. I predict shenanigans!

Here are their mug shots:


(image via CBS News)

I have to admit, they look pretty spunky for two insane jailbird alleged inn-defrauders.

Monday, April 26, 2010

QUAIDS IN COOLER!


(image via radaronline.com)

Radar Online reports that formerly-on-the-lam crazies Randy and Evi Quaid are currently behind bars, after dragging themselves into a Santa Barbara courthouse to face defrauding an innkeeper charges:

Randy and Evi Quaid finally decided to show up to court on Monday, and when they did they were thrown in jail, RadarOnline.com learned exclusively.

We spoke to Santa Barbara District Attorney Arnie Tolks who told us that the Quaids arrived at court Monday morning with their attorney Robert Sanger and a bail bondsman. They went before judge Frank Ochoa and their attorney attempted to reinstate their old bail.

DA Tolks told RadarOnline.com: "The court was angry. Judge Ochoa told the Quaids that he felt they'd been disrespectful and brought up the last time they came to court flashing their Golden Globe award. The Quaids apologized and told him that they didn’t mean to be disrespectful."

Apparently their apologies didn’t work. The judge remanded them to custody and set bail at $100,000. He did give them a slight break by granting the Quaids a credit of $20,000 based on the bail they previously paid.

So that means the Quaids have to come up with $80,000. If they don’t, they stay in jail. Their next mandatory hearing is set for Wednesday.

"They have been ordered to court on Wednesday for a bail hearing and preliminary hearing setting," Tolks said.

A warrant was issued for their arrest after their last failure to show up in court. They are facing charged of defrauding an Inn keeper after allegedly running out on a large bill from a hotel.

The Quaids' saga has gotten stranger and stranger, with both espousing conspiracy theories and other off-the-wall rants while dealing with the legal system.


Sadly, I am fairly certain that Randy Quaid does not have $80,000 lying around his outlaw rented Mercedes to pay for all this legal crapola. Maybe he could hock that Golden Globe?

In the mean time, he better pray that he and Evi GET SEPARATE CELLS! She will set him on fire before swallowing her hidden cyanide pill, probably. I mean, it seems plausible.

O how and where shall this tale end?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Fear and Loathing On The Quaids' Trail 2010


(image via The Daily Beast)

Whoa. The Daily Beast has a super in-depth analysis of the complete and utter insanity that is "Hollywood's Nightmare Couple," AKA The QUAIDS, and it is a DOOZY. Some of this stuff we've gone over before on Felt Up, but I think a refresher is in order, because there's a lot to process.

Here is the reporter, Diane Dimond, describing the couple's arrest last week near Marfa, Texas by sheriff's deputy James Davis, before they went on the lam:
But the 6-foot-4 actor [Randy Quaid], now sporting a full Santa Claus-like beard, was subdued in comparison to his diminutive wife. “It was a psychotic episode with her,” Davis says. “Evi was slapping at and pulling at officers, not really assaulting but resisting full on ... fussing and fuming. I finally got a hold of her, put her down on the hood of the car and put the cuffs on behind her back.” Randy, apparently realizing the severity of the situation, tried to help officers get his wife to calm down.

After the Quaids were booked and photographed, deputies drove them to the bank to withdraw money for their $20,000 bond because, “Frankly, we didn’t want them in our jail overnight.”

Perhaps the strangest part of last week’s incident was that it wasn’t that strange. Davis, for one, had witnessed her act before: “I’ve had a few episodes in the past with her when she shows up screaming at [Marfa city] council meetings. I get called in to keep the peace when she’s around.” And the couple has recently left behind a trail of allegedly unpaid bills, from ritzy hotels to trailer parks, accountants to private detectives, the latter hired to exact revenge on several enemies and to help figure out, in the words of P.I. Becky Altringer, “who was trying to kill them.”

Dimond notes that Evi is "a former nude model for Helmut Newton (huzzah!), which is news to me. I thought she just arrived in the world, fully formed, as The Nutso Wife of Randy Quaid.

The article goes into detail about the Quaids' downward, wacko spiral, which seems to stem from Randy's lifetime banishment from the Actors' Equity union after an entire play's worth of cast and crew complained about the Quaids' bizarre behavior and harrassment:
Two weeks later, the Quaids appeared at union headquarters in Los Angeles and Evi allegedly screamed at employees and physically attacked a 76-year-old receptionist, according to several restraining orders later filed against Evi by Actors' Equity employees. Evi would later say it was all a “despicable lie” from members of a “corrupt union.”
The union expulsion made it difficult for Randy to earn a living; Evi, was, of course, acting as Randy's manager and proceeded to go on a paranoid rampage involving delusions of Mob involvement in a plot to murder the Quaids, credit card fraud, Demerol, and the hiring of private eye Becky Altringer:

Evi filmed her run-in at the union offices with her ever-present handheld camera. Altringer says she was shown the video during a meeting this June at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills at which time the Quaids hired her to get information on those who’d taken out the restraining orders. After the Quaids’ stay at that luxury hotel, the bill was paid with a credit card in the name of “Janet Cross.” Altringer says Evi gave her that card to use for dinner and it was declined.

Altringer quickly got sucked into the Quaids’ strange world. She says they insisted that a former business manager had taken out a million-dollar life-insurance policy on Randy and had hired “the Mob” to kill both Quaids to collect the payout. It was to be staged to look like a murder/suicide, Evi explained, and Altringer’s job was to help identify the “killers.”

Altringer says she witnessed Evi Quaid self-medicating with Demerol three times a day. "She told me she snorted it in her left nostril so it would go right to her brain to cure her migraines. I saw her do this myself. She also … believed [Michael] Jackson was murdered along with Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine, Natasha Richardson, and other stars who (had been) in movies with Randy.”

Altringer says she was instructed by Evi to run a check on several license plate numbers from the funeral of David Carradine. The Quaids were certain the drivers were the “killers.” The plates came back as employees of Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Dude, how awesome is it that Evi Quaid believes there is a conspiracy to murder every actor who ever worked with Randy Quaid? Does this mean Chevy Chase is next on the hit list?

Apparently the couple owes money all over the place, including unpaid bills at fancy hotels, the Mickey Fine Pharmacy in Beverly Hills, a former business manager who is owed $85,000, a friend who says the couple stole antiques from her house after she refused to lend them money, and they kept a rented Mercedes so long the rental company almost declared it stolen ("Evi writes that they abandoned the Mercedes because they feared a bugging device had been installed"--naturellement).

But wait, there's more:
Such seemingly paranoid behavior was on display again this past Friday. At 9:23 am, about 12 hours after the couple was released from jail, Evi Quaid turned up at Marfa, Texas’ rival police department and filed a complaint against Sheriff's Deputy Davis. In a tightly scrawled handwritten grievance she wrote that Davis was part of a plot with the Stagehands’ Union and their former business manager who had been “attempting to acquire our assets illegally by creating false evidence.” She didn’t stop there. Evi then rolled up to the sheriff’s office with a moving truck on which she’d hand painted a sign that read, "Deputy James Davis takes payments ... call & make offers."
Well, on this point I have to admit that it does make a lot of sense that the Marfa, TX police department would be in cahoots with the Stagehands' Union and Randy Quaid's former business manager to steal the assets of a couple who declared banktruptcy in 2000 and are wanted for unpaid bills throughout these United States. She does have a good point, there, I'll give her that.

Oh, and this would make me sleep just great at night if I was Randy Quaid:
Altringer says during the month she worked for the Quaids, Evi told her on an almost daily basis that she and Randy were “going to end up like Phil and Bryn Hartman”–a reference to Saturday Night Live Star Phil Hartman who was shot dead in his bed by his drug-plagued wife Bryn, who then killed herself. The private investigator, whose firm, Aerial Investigations, is owed $17,000 by the Quaids, says she worries Evi’s premonition might come true.
AAAAAAAAAAAH! This is going to end BADLY, I predict. Randy Quaid: Run for your life! Get as far away from this crazy lady as you can! Run, Randy, RUN!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

QUAIDS ON THE LAM!


(image via People)

There is a warrant out for the arrest of Randy and Evi Quaid, after they failed to show up for the umpteenth time for their court appearance in Santa Barbara on "defrauding an innkeeper" charges. According to People Magazine:

Randy and Evi Quaid have run out of chances.

After skipping two court dates this week for felony charges in Santa Barbara, Calif., they went on the lam again and are wanted by the state of California as fugitives.

"If they're picked up in California, they will be put in jail," Santa Barbara Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter tells PEOPLE. "They cannot be released on bail until they come back here and a judge [agrees to] set bail for them."

The Quaids have missed several court dates since they were first charged with defrauding an innkeeper after allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 luxury hotel bill last June. But they have always avoided jail by posting bond, promising time and again to show up, and hiring a succession of lawyers to assure the court they'd appear.

Carter says the couple's own lawyer, Robert Sanger, was assured by the Quaids they'd show up on Tuesday. (Sanger did not respond for comment).

When the couple failed to show, the judge issued a no-bail warrant.

"The warrant will go nationwide," Carter says. "Anyone out there that comes in contact with them can pick up our warrant and start their own felony fugitive case."
Do you hear that, people? D.A. Carter is practically ordering all Americans to hunt down Randy Quaid and his wife and make a citizen's arrest of these outlaws! It's open season--let the Quaid hunt begin!

I'll hit the fur coat and beard-trimmer stores, you head for the Sunglass Hut and the pawn shops--keep an eye out for a 1987 Golden Globe!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Famous Last Words


So apparently Malcolm McLaren's last words were "Free Leonard Peltier," which, on the whole, I think is kind of awesome, whatever your beliefs about Peltier. Controversial, topical, retro, out-of-left-field, silly and serious at the same time--everything your final words should be. (Also great: Jack Donaghey's premature deathbed confession on "30 Rock": "I wish I'd worked more.")

What would I like my last words to be? Hard to say. Right now I'm leaning towards "Free Pie." But I have given some thought to how I'd like my funeral to play out. Basically, I'd want to maximize what I can only assume will be tremendous--nay, even hysterical--grief that will be pouring out of my mourners. So in order to get the most waterworks out of everyone in attendance, I would like to play the following songs as my ashes are laid to rest (perhaps in a corgi-shaped urn):

1) "In My Life" by The Beatles. Makes me cry practically every time, and I would hope a funereal setting would only intensify the sadness.

2) "Total Eclipse of the Heart," by Miss Bonnie Tyler. Humorous, quasi-ironic, also known to my friends as my karoake jam of choice. Wry chuckles tinged with tears--a nice break in the frenzy of grieving that will surely be on display. (And a better choice than my other karaoke go-to, "I Will Survive," for obvious reasons.)

Of course it goes without saying that during all this there will be a montage of highly Photoshopped/flattering photos of my heyday (circa 1978-99) on a posterboard display, perhaps with glitter; many, many heartfelt and emotional tributes from my friends and family; a diruptive and some might say distasteful speech by Sasheen Littlefeather rejecting my funeral on the grounds that until Native Americans are treated fairly by the gossip indrusty, the whole event is a farce; a sweet note and giant spray of flowers in the shape of cha-cha heels sent by John Waters, out of his deep and longlasting (if silent and uncommunicated) love and respect for my writing; and then the kicker:

3) "Amazing Grace" played softly by a lone kilted bagpiper. It totally kills me whenever it's played at a fire or policeman's funeral, and should be the coup de grace for a final Felt Up farewell. Cue tears!

Then, naturally, free pie for everyone. To relieve the tortuous, unbearable pain.

And SCENE.