Felt Up Believe It Or Not!

Dear God, ya'll. Lindsay Lohan has a birthday in a few days and she will turn 23.

23! That means this whole entire year she's been a mere 22 years old.

Doesn't it seem like a) she's been around FOREVER and b) she's 40?

Summer Fun!

Your humble Felt Up bloggette declares this The Summer of Glam! Here are some rockin' videos just for the hell of it:

Cop(ping A Plea) With A Vadge

Image of Danielle with her mugshot via The Warming Glow

If, like all good and decent people, you are ravenous for more information on Danielle Staub (aka Beverly Merrill) from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" and her criminal past, run on over to The Smoking Gun, which has a ton of documents relating to her arrest in 1986 for all kinds of crazy crap--extortion, cocaine dealing, etc--that she is now constantly denying ever took place. (She says the only things that are true in her ex-husband's book Cop Without A Badge are that she was arrested and she changed her name.) She has also vehemently denied having a cocaine problem and/or being a "prostitution whore," but the documents reveal that she was a huge cokehead "escort" who was seemingly in constant contact with at least a kilo of cocaine at all times.

Here are the gory details, which are rather complicated, as Danielle/Beverly also went by "Angela Minelli," apparently:

According to documents filed in U.S. District Court in Miami, Merrill and Daniel Aguilar, who distributed narcotics for a Colombian drug family, sought to extort a $25,000 ransom from a man whose son they were holding. The captive, Carmen Centolella, was blamed by Merrill and Aguilar for the botched drug deal, which cost them a kilo of cocaine worth about $24,000, according to the below criminal complaint. Merrill and Aguilar were arrested after federal agents traced ransom calls they placed to Centolella's father. Merrill was busted in a Miami apartment in which agents discovered six kilos of cocaine and about $16,000 in cash.

In a subsequent indictment, Merrill was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy. Prosecutors allege that Merrill placed the first call to Centolella's father and "threatened injury or death" to his son "unless a sum of money was paid." Facing the possibility of decades in prison, Merrill quickly opted to flip. In August 1986, she copped to a single felony count and signed a plea agreement pledging to "provide full and complete cooperation" with federal prosecutors and FBI agents. Merrill's plea, the agreement noted, exposed her to a maximum of 20 years in prison. Merrill's decision to snitch out her cohorts resulted in threats allegedly directed at her by Aguilar and his family, prosecutors contended in one motion.

Merrill, who at the time used the alias "Angela Minelli," received one phone call warning, "Angela, your life is at an end, honey," and another from a male caller noting, "I saw you walking your dog--I wouldn't take that kind of risk."

The government motion further described Merrill's role in the botched cocaine deal, noting that she "took one of the kilos from Aguilar to Centolella's apartment for testing." There, she was accosted by four armed men who robbed her of the cocaine. According to an FBI report, when Aguilar was interviewed by agents following his arrest, he stated that "Angela" was the "common link" that put him together with Centolella, the prospective cocaine buyer. Centolella, he said, knew that "Angela had sources that could provide a kilo of cocaine." He later described "Angela" as a friend whose last name he did not know. "She also uses cocaine," he told agents. During a court hearing, FBI Agent Robert Favie testified that Merrill met Aguilar while she was working for an escort service (Aguilar was a customer). Asked by Aguilar's attorney if he had checked into Merrill's background as a prostitute, Favie replied, "I know that she has told me that she has worked for an escort service, yes."

In November 1986, Merrill was sentenced to five years probation for her extortion conviction (by comparison, Aguilar got 15 years after pleading out to extortion and cocaine possession counts). She was also ordered to participate in a drug treatment program and submit to weekly urinalysis tests during the first six months of her supervision. Two years after Merrill's sentencing, a substance abuse counselor (who worked in conjunction with Merrill's probation officer) recommended that, "considering the severity of Beverly's drug history and her former drug life style," that her "mandate for drug aftercare be continued." Court files do not indicate how Judge Eugene Spellman, who sentenced Merrill, ruled on this request. In a recent interview with People magazine, Staub claimed records from her criminal case were "sealed" and that she was only charged as an "accessory."

YOWZA!

Why on earth a person with all this stuff in her background would go on a reality show is beyond me. She dodged a long prison sentence by ratting out Columbian drug cartel personnel who did not waste time in making threats on her life. So, again: WHY GO ON A REALITY SHOW AND ENDANGER YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN? I mean, they practically show her home address on the screen every week. Has all that Botox rotted her brain?

The second part of the RHONJ reunion special airs Thursday on Bravo at 10 Eastern/9 Central. The previews show host Andy Cohen questioning Ms. Staub/Merrill/Minelli about her "substantial" cocaine problem. Don't miss it!

Felt Up Public Service Announcement(s)

For the love of god, don't forget that tonight is the season finale (already!?!) of the Cadillac of "Real Housewives" shows, "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" on Bravo. The previews have been amazing. For reasons we are not privy to nor that could possibly make any sense, Danielle Staub, aka Beverly Merrill, aka PROSTITUTION WHORE, is invited to dinner with the rest of the cast, only one of whom (Jacqueline) doesn't want to scratch her eyes out with a diamond-encrusted claw. There are slurs, fights, upended restaurant tables, shrieks, and, finally, and fantastically, female fisticuffs. All in front of the children, too. Huzzah!



Also, adopted Austinite and ex-Face/Small Face Ian McLagan will be appearing with his band on David Letterman's show tonight. A full night of tv-viewing awaits!

Triumph of the Will

Since no one in their right mind ever reads The Austin American-Statesman, I thought I'd pass on this Michael Corcoran-penned recap of Triumph The Insult Comic Dog's comments during a press conference with, of all people, Alejandro Escovedo, Elvis Perkins, and Tift Merrit at the Bonnaroo Music Festival. Because I could listen to Triumph diss hippies all day...


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Alejandro Escovedo had never heard of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog before today’s press conference with the Robert Smigel puppet..,Escovedo’s now a fan. Some Triumph highlights:

• “This place has more stages than syphilis.”

• “I saw alot of underarm hair at the Ani DiFranco set. I thought one woman had a Yorkie in a headlock.”

• “On Monday this place will smell better… when it goes back to being a hog farm.”

• Host Andy Langer said to Escovedo and Perkins, “Did you ever think you’d be on a panel with a dog?” to which Triumph exploded, “Tift Merritt is a very beautiful woman! How dare you?”

• "Jimmy Buffett is here? This place really is eco-friendly. There’s nothing like recycled music.”
• 
  
• "Phish broke up five years ago, They could’ve played three songs in that time. The original script of the Gettysburg Address was ‘Four Phish songs and seven years ago.’”

• “Is there anything that Phish fans can’t make out of hemp--besides deodorant?”

• “So many Bruce Springsteen fans have come from New Jersey. You can tell because of the smell of weed mixed with Axe body spray.”

• “It’s a different time. At Woodstock three babies were born. Here three babies were traded for a case of Dasani and a meat pie.”

Tate Takes A Dip

When not obsessing about the sordid past of Danielle Staub aka Beverly Merrill, the possible coke-whore/hooker and mom of two on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," your humble Felt Up blogette has been known to ponder life's mysteries (such as the possible auto-erotic asphyxiation death of David Carradine) at the local swimming pool.

The other day I was at Austin's own lovely Deep Eddy pool and who should be there but an actual living, breathing semi-celeb: Mr. Tate Donovan. I have no idea what he's in Austin for (his IMDB profile doesn't show anything filming in A-town), but it was nice to see him. I will always think of him as "that guy from Space Camp," or "that guy who was engaged to both Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock (not at the same time)," but you may know him as "that guy from 'The O.C.'" or perhaps as "that guy from 'Damages.'"

It's always nice to have a surprise encounter with a sorta-famous person in a swim suit, so here's to random actors hanging out at central Texas pools.

PS
Miraculously, Mr. Donovan seems to be of normal height!