If You Are In Need Of A Good Cry...

...then read this. And then peruse this.

We've been down this particular section of the Yellow Brick Road before, but now 'tis even sadder.

Sigh! Sniff! Look at that sweet face! Sniffle!

Kraft Singles Commercial May Give Me Angina

This ad for Kraft Singles fills me with rage every time I see it on tv, which is constantly. Why does it make my blood boil so? For one thing, the two ideas being propigated are: 1) Kraft Singles are a bargain! And in this terrible economy, we need bargains! and 2) Kraft Singles are wholesome and nutritious and so good for your family! Check it:



Well, in response I can only say: J'accuse, Kraft Corporation. J'ACCUSE!

Kraft Singles are not cheap. In fact, many "processed cheese products" are surprisingly pricey--such as sweet, delicious Velveeta--but Kraft Singles are especially expensive, especially compared to in-store brands. Sure, they will survive a nuclear winter along with the cockroaches and Twinkies, but I'm always a bit shocked when I loiter around the American cheese section of the grocery store, as is my wont from time to time, and see how much a package of 16 slices of Kraft processed cheese actually costs. And far from trying to help the consumer by being "economical" in hard times, according to this article in Adweek, Kraft raised prices even more in recent months--during the economic meltdown--because of higher commodity prices and BECAUSE IT SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON ADS! Aaaaaaah!

As for the nutritional value of processed cheese, well, we all know that Kraft Singles are death in a wrapper. And I'm ok with this. I like American cheese. I'm no food snob--I drink Diet Mountain Dew, for God's sake! But I don't try to fool myself that that processed orange goop is good for me, anymore than I try to pretend there's not a giant glowing neon green Diet Mountain Dew globule taking over my spleen. If you're interested, this treatise on the "Krap" in Kraft Singles is pretty informative, especially the part about the mysterious, possibly evil ingredient called Milk Protein Concentrate.

I know it's just an ad, but I really hate the hypocrisy and unabashed mendacity that is being shoved down our throats. We are being force-fed grilled cheese lies!

Objects of Desire

There were a lot of ups (furniture sex!) and downs (death!) on last night's "Nip/Tuck." So many, in fact, that it is difficult to process them all, but let's try, shall we?

First up, we have the reappearance of the lady who needed a mouth replacement and the doctors used her vaginal lips but she kept the source of her new pucker from her husband, believing he would be so freaked out he would never get over it. This surgery was the basis for the infamous "pussy lips" plot line in "Hearts & Scalpels" starring Felt Up Fave Rave Emeritus Jennifer Coolidge. Apparently the original vadge-mouthed lady needs a total plastic surgery overhaul because her husband is dying of prostate cancer and wants her to bag a rich guy when he's gone. Way to take a potentially awesome story and make it sad and depressing, "Nip/Tuck"!

We meet conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz's Hispanic-accented mother, who is thrilled and confused and suspicious that her formerly-lesbian daughter is marrying a hotshot like Dr. Christian Troy. She wants Liz to wear a family heirloom wedding dress, but Liz's boobs are too big. Naturally, the only solution is a breast-reduction surgery.

The SEXY, DANGEROUS anesthesiologist is still around. I thought she'd left after Dr. Sean McNamara admitted he couldn't live on the EDGE. But she's still there, and seems a bit less DANGEROUS and more normal--less smoldering looks and tousled hair and whatnot.

Dr. Christian Troy decides to interview surgeons to be his replacement. Dr. Logan Taper, an interior-decoration-obsessed ladies' man who totally rubs Dr. Christian Troy the right way, is his first choice. He is ready to hand the keys to the kingdom to Dr. Logan Taper, who really, REALLY admires the sofa in Dr. Christian Troy's office. Dr. Sean McNamara is of course conflicted and sad--he tries to be nice to the new guy but he doesn't want to face Dr. Christian Troy's imminent demise.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist and conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz have a heart-to-heart and decide that instead of being threatened by each other, they will "share" the job and will be friends. There is some talk of the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist being "bi-curious," and conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is perhaps a bit too eager to explore these issues with her co-worker.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is on the operating table. Dr. Christian Troy announces that a) he's not going to reduce Liz's breasts as much as she wanted and b) this is his last surgery ever. He plans on taking Liz and adorable Wilbur to Italy, where he will eat and "get fat, because who cares?"

The pussy lip lady is recovering from her numerous surgeries when her dying husband brings in an old man carrying a bouquet. It is their family butcher, someone who apparently has been nursing a crush on the lady for years. She is terribly upset that the husband is a) picking out his replacement (a la Dr. Christian Troy) and b) that it is the old butcher.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz checks out her new chest and is shocked to see how large her boobs are. Dr. Christian Troy tells her in front of her mother that he made "an executive decision" to only reduce them enough to relieve her back pain, and then whips out an expensive new wedding dress. The mom is angry and tells Liz that she is in charge of her own body, but Liz is too busy lusting after the dress to care.

The new doctor sets up shop in Dr. Christian Troy's office. He cleans the desk and then bends over and gives it a very lascivious lick. Then he gives that sofa some serious bedroom eyes. "He's going to have sex with that couch!"--I couldn't help but yell at the tv. And he DOES. It is a rather fetching sofa. Of course he gets caught by Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy. The new doctor explains that he is an "objective sexual" (aka "objectum sexual"), which means he falls in love with and is sexually attracted to inanimate objects (there's a documentary out now called Strange Love: Married to the Eiffel Tower which addresses this fascinating topic). Dr. Christian Troy is disgusted! He tells the guy to get out. On the way, Dr. Logan Taper gives a "come hither" look to the gynecological exam table in one of the operating rooms, but sadly the table can't come hither because it is a table.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz has a wedding shower filled with lesbians and her mother. When one of the gifts is described as having a "lifetime guarantee," Liz starts crying and reveals that Dr. Christian Troy is dying. Her mom has an "ah ha!" moment and is a total bitch to Liz, who lets her mom have it, accusing her of always being overly critical of her looks and personality since childhood, and then bans her from the wedding. Go, Liz!

The pussy lip lady's husband brings another suitor, and this time it's someone younger and I guess more appealing to her than the butcher (who I thought was sweet and could provide her with brisket for free!), because she fairly swoons and walks out with the guy arm-in-arm.

The sofa-screwer has brought a furniture cleaner to sanitize the couch he befouled, which gives him the opportunity to hump the gyno-table when no one is looking!

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz, adorable Wilbur, and Dr. Christian Troy have a sweet family moment when adorable Wilbur adorably practices being the ring-bearer.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist finds Dr. Sean McNamara looking at old videos of himself, Dr. Christian Troy, and boring Julia in their younger, carefree, more hirsute days. He is sad. The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist comes in and says she'll never leave him, which is an odd thing to say since they don't know each other very well and she's SEXY and DANGEROUS and will most likely get really BORED with Dr. Sean McNamara.

AND SCENE.

Next week on "Nip/Tuck": OMG VAMPIRES! CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! WAMPYRES!

Beverly Hills Chihuahua Makes My Soul Shrivel Bit By Bit

Every time I see the ad for this on tv it makes me inestimably sad--sad for Jamie Lee Curtis, sad for dogs, sad for the universe. SAD.

Felt Up Public Service Announcement

Today is National Pancake Day/Fat Tuesday (heh), which because of the history of Shrove Tuesday blah blah blah means you can get FREE PANCAKES at IHOP now until 10pm.

Get thee to a pancakery!

The Fashion Was Divine

Everyone is talking about the Barbie-esque looks that were so popular on the Oscar red carpet last night, but I think the inspiration for this, the gayest of all Academy Awards (huzzah!), came from a different source. Behold:


Some girl from "Grey's Anatomy."


Some girl I'm too old to know about. Taylor? Miley? Vanessa? Leighton?


Beyonce! Thank god, someone I recognize.

And the look they were all going for:

Divine!

Am I right or am I right?

"Nip/Tuck" Is Becoming "The Brian's Song" Of Trash TV And I Don't Approve

Ack! There was so much so-bad-its-good-or-maybe-just-bad crap on tv last night that my head was spinning. First there was the season finale of "Real Housewives of Orange County," then the premiere of "Real Housewives of New York," and of course another episode of "Nip/Tuck." I can't bring myself to recap the Real Housewives franchise just yet, but let's dive right into the "Nip/Tuck" muck, shall we?

Sadly, it was another dreary downer of an episode. What is up with my stories? Why are "Rock of Love Bus" and "Nip/ Tuck" and even to a certain extent "Real Housewives" (death of Jeff from cancer, Jeana's verbally abusive ex-husband and son, Tamra) all intent on bringing me down? Is it the economy? I'm pretty sure most of them were filmed before the economic collapse, and besides, now is the time we need to be distracted and uplifted!

Anyway, last night's "Nip/Tuck" was the most depressing yet. It starts out ok, if a bit on the silly side, with Dr. Sean McNamara and his SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist going on a date at a restaurant where the lights are off and it's completely dark and the maitre d' is blind and it's supposed to be NAUGHTY and EDGY. I'm surprised they didn't bump into Bret Michaels, because they went to one of these places on "Rock of Love" last season. When Dr. Sean McNamara takes a phone call from his boring ex-wife Julia, the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist leaves in a huff and rides off on her SCARY Harley Davidson, because she thinks Dr. Sean McNamara can't be WILD and doesn't know how to LIVE.

Then we have a Balinese man with that horrible wart disease that makes a person into a "human tree." Troy/McNamara are doing pro bono surgery on him to make his life a little better. The Human Tree is really sweet and sad and lovable and touching, so you know it's not going to end well. When they do the surgery to remove his giant branchy growths, the background music is "I'm Only Human" by The Human League. Which made me giggle and cry at the same time, somehow. Sniff.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist invites Dr. Sean McNamara to her house for lunch and a chance for him to redeem himself for the crime of taking a phone call while on a date in a pitch black restaurant. The house is ginormous and fancy and they start doing it right away in her bedroom. Suddenly we see people entering the house and it's clear that a real estate agent is showing a couple the house, and the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist admits the house is not hers and she thought it would be "fun" to break in and have sex and LIVE ON THE EDGE. They are caught mid-copulation and avoid arrest only when Dr. Sean McNamara offers to buy the house with "20% down" and says that they are "both doctors," which impresses the real estate agent. DARING!

Ex porn star/ex-fiancee of Dr. Christian Troy/mother of his grandaughter Kimber shows up for more baby collagen injections. She tells Dr. Sean McNamara that it was Dr. Christian Troy who did the original injection and she just took the blame for it so he wouldn't look like a monster. Dr. Sean McNamara asks "how low" Dr. Christian Troy can go, and Dr. Christian Troy is bummed out by his own lack of morality.

In other festive developments, Dr. Christian Troy goes in for a doctor's appointment to see how his breast cancer treatment is going, and it turns out the cancer has spread to his lymph nodes and he's got six months to live. For the second time in two days I say: Boo! Boooo, Death!

Dr. Sean McNamara and his SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist are still trying to live on the WILD SIDE, so they run off to the desert for a vision quest with a Native American shaman, who gives them some kind of potion that allows them to "murder their egos," which apparently means having horrible Human Tree hallucinations and barfing a lot. Fun!

Dr. Christian Troy goes to McNamara/Troy's pharmacy and loads up on a bunch of drugs, apparently so he can off himself. Then he talks a bit with the Human Tree, and his simple faith and human spirit convince Dr. Christian Troy not to commit suicide. Instead, he flies out to propose marriage to conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz in Miami without mentioning his prognosis. She accepts.

More surgeries on the Human Tree. Dr. Sean McNamara has flashbacks from the shaman juice that force him to stop participating in the operation. EDGY!

Liz figures out that Dr. Christian Troy is dying when she discovers the missing drugs from the pharmacy. She realizes that he only proposed so he wouldn't die alone and would have someone taking care of him. She throws the ring in his face and storms off.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist tries to get Dr. Sean McNamara to do it in the candle-lit operating room of McNamara/Troy while high on nitrous gas, which Dr. Sean McNamara rightly points out is a fire hazard and he finally admits he can't change his careful surgeon-y ways and doesn't want to constantly defend them or force himself to become a different person. The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist takes her leave, DANGEROUSLY.

Dr. Christian Troy finally tells Dr. Sean McNamara that he's dying, and Dr. Sean McNamara says he "didn't have to get married" in order to "not be alone" at the end, ie, that Dr. Sean McNamara would be there for him. They smoke fancy "pre-embargo" Cuban cigars.

Conflicted lesbian nurse Liz decides to marry Dr. Christian Troy after all and starts to plan their wedding.

Dr. Christian Troy comes in to check on a misty-eyed and somber Human Tree. It is soon apparent that the warts have already started to re-grow and mulitply.

And SCENE.

THANKS A LOT, "NIP/TUCK." Why must you bring me down so? Why?

Next week: Dr. Christian Troy interviews replacements for himself, and the guy he picks is very like him in more ways than one. Please-oh-please let there be some kind of insane manwhore competition! "Nip/Tuck" needs to get back to its crazed ridiculous shocking roots!

Mudhoney

(all images via VH1)

The ennui and existential crises on "Rock of Love Bus" reached a new crescendo on Sunday night, with Death itself making an emotional connection with Bret Michaels. Boo! Boo, Death! You, like Bret, are so killing my buzz, man.

First things first. The skanktestants are informed that their next stop is Nashville, TN, which causes Meadow Soprano-lookalike/country yokel Mindy to dance some kind of "Hee-Haw"-style jig. She will need her energy, though, because the challenge is the dreaded Mud Bowl, during which the girls must play football in skimpy outfits in a giant field of mud. Like pudding wrestling, but more degrading! How degrading, you ask? Well, the water for the mud is provided by the local fire department, who apparently hire a lot of aging geezers who give me the skeeves real bad, and Bret announces to the teams that the firemen are "gonna take their love hoses and spatter you with love mud." That's how degrading. The MVP gets to go on a romantic dream date with Bret, of course.



During the Mud Bowl, we see the usual blood, guts, and bad football, but with the added twist that Mindy's tiny pantaloons get yanked off her body and she still makes a touchdown. Hello, MVP! Ashley is fit to be tied.



The date is a romantic getaway to beautiful Fort Worth, TX where Bret is performing at romantic, dreamy Billy Bob's. Mindy, perhaps trying to put a more glamorous spin on things, refers to Billy Bob's as being in the "Dallas/Fort Worth area." Nice try, Mindy. That place is deep in the udder of Cowtown--just give in to the magic! Then Mindy, who might be a girl after my own heart after all, gets into the Billy Bob's spirit by eating an alarmingly large corn dog.



Mindy practically pees her pants when Bret introduces her to some guy backstage as his "girlfriend." Uh, Mindy, I hate to break this to you but I'm pretty sure he sees the entire cast as his collective "girlfriend." Being a contestant on "Rock of Love" is like being a comrade in Stalinist Russia--there's no individualism, no unmonitored phone calls, and no one notices if you disappear into a vodka bottle. Back at the hotel, Mindy rewards Bret with some spectacularly tacky lingerie and they appear to retire to his boudoir to do it, although you never know what goes on behind closed doors. But I'm pretty sure they did it.

Mindy gets flown back to Nashville, where the other girls try to pretend like she didn't spend the night with Bret. In the mean time, Bret receives bad news: A friend has been killed in Iraq. Now, this is a tragic and terrible event, but for a minute or two he acts like this is a friend he's known for years, perhaps since childhood; later we find out the dead soldier was someone he met a few times while entertaining the troops for three weeks in Iraq. I'm sorry, call me cold-hearted, but it's not quite the same thing. Awesomely, he sends an autographed photo of himself to the dead soldier's children. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

The rest of the winning team go on a group date with Bret, but he's not feeling festive, because of his recently deceased buddy. He totally brings down the mood of the date and the show and the audience, and we and the skanktestants are sad and confused.

Bret decides once again that he must try and break through the defenses of Our Lady of the Pierced Dimples, Brittanya, and takes her aside for some alone time. Unfortunately, Bret is unable to accept the sad fact that Brittanya has no defenses, no thoughts in her head and absolutely nothing to say. So they make out in an extremely disgusting manner.



It turns out that new girl Jenny is also going through some mourning, because her father died seemingly days before she hopped on the Love Bus. Another cast member actually says that her dad "would have wanted" her to go on the show. Yes, every father's fondest hope is that one day his beloved daughter will whore herself on national television. Unwisely, she decides to "bond" with Bret over their shared grief. Not a good idea, Jenny!


Jenny deals with her grief by putting on a terrible, terrible hat.

Elimination time: In a stunning disregard of protocol (or perhaps a searing indictment of Mindy's skills in the bedroom) Mindy does not get the first pass of the night, despite having totally done it with Bret! Instead, Taya, the Penthouse Pet, gets pas numero uno for reasons unknown. Mindy does get the second pass, and also the oh-so-chivalrous comment from Bret that "we popped a lot of virgin territory, didn't we?" Ugh. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm pretty certain that beyotchy Ashley is incorrect in assuming it means Mindy is/was a 34 year-old virgin. I think it means she did some things with Bret Michaels she'd never done before. Things I never, ever want to visualize.

It gets down to Brittanya, for being a dimwit/mute; Jenny, for not being very cute and giving Bret the perfect out for her elimination (the old "you need to be in a better place and deal with your issues" trick); and Kelsey, for being a Mormon (I assume). Of course it is Jenny whose tour ends here. Never give Bret an out, you little fool! Have you never watched this show?


Jenny, we hardly knew ye.

Next week: Some sort of lesbian shenanigans behind a carny ride, someone (Mindy?) collapses in a drunken heap in the middle of a road, and Big John tries and fails to get the contestants to not act slutty or whore-y! (Big John, please. Would you ask a rose not to smell? Would you ask the sky not to be blue? Would you ask a stone to be soft? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?)

Real Housewives Make Me Question My Morality

"The Real Housewives of New York" premieres tonight, and once again I'm left wondering many things: Which city's show do I like the most? ("Atlanta" had me at "jury" for "jewelry," but makes me feel like the same icky guilt I used to have watching "Flava of Love," and though I used to think the original "Orange County" series was the gold standard of terrible rich people on television, this last season has been really boring. So that leaves New Yawk and its braying, preening society climbers. Huzzah!) Does Bravo mean to present these horrible women and their lifestyles as "aspirational" or as a cruel joke that no one but the audience is in on? Am I part of the crime for watching?

I feel the same disorientation when watching MTV's "My Super-Sweet 16"--am I meant to mock the over-the-top vulgarity and greed or wish I could afford my own pink Ferrrari driven to me on a rose-petal-strewn red carpet while Miley Cyrus sings and I'm gowned in a custom harem-girl outfit, eating a piece of $10,000 cake and whining that I should have gotten a Maserati?

Friend of Felt Up Tanya B. thinks these shows are presented to us with a wink, that the viewers are supposed to be appalled at the gluttony and spending, even if the "stars" are completely unaware that they're being mocked. But the New York Times clearly does not buy the "it's just a big joke on these people" explanation:

Money is the only currency: the status markers understood by a huge faction of the privileged class figure not at all in the “Real Housewives” universe. Here there is no premium placed on education or refined tastes, and a businesswoman is someone who makes cuff bracelets at her kitchen table. The whole enterprise, like so much else on Bravo, the “affluencer” network, feels like a moldy leftover from the pre-Obama age; the currently fashionable values — humility, intelligence, restraint, style — are eclipsed by money-grubbing witlessness and big-carbon-footprint living.

“The Real Housewives of New York City” continues to feel especially yucky in this regard — and fraudulently offensive to a certain kind of New Yorker who would never actually envy someone like Alex.

I don't know if I agree. Bravo is savvy enough to know that its audience likes to watch (and judge) the freaks in their freak show while perhaps feeling a tinge of jealousy that so much money is being wasted by people with no taste. It's a guilty pleasure, and Bravo knows from guilty pleasures. At least I think they do.

At any rate, I totally have a love/hate relationship with these trainwrecks and I CAN'T STOP WATCHING. I just can't!

Michael Jackson has finally been forced to put a bunch of his belongings from his Neverland ranch up for auction to pay off some of his creditors. Although it's all rather sad, the auction catalog is worth a look.

Here are a few of my favorite things. If I had a few extra thousand dollars hidden in my sparkly sock drawer, I might pick up one of these specialty items:



This might be nice in my living room. It would go nicely with my ermine Corgi coverlet. Also, humbleness is a good quality to immortalize, especially in these troubled times.



Now this is both economical (great gas mileage!) AND inspirational (what mature adult doesn't fantasize about being Peter Pan while driving around the golf course?). A sound investment any way you look at it.



I like that E.T. is in the same pantheon as Lincoln. And of course Michael himself.

There is something for a variety of budgets in this auction. There's a rhinestone crown brooch for an estimated $80-100, a fire engine tea kettle for $100-200, and of course a Snow White and the Seven Dwarves figure set in a glass case for $1,000-1,500. Perfect for the little boy in everyone's life!

Happy Valentine's Day From Felt Up

Long live true love, holy, sacred marriage, and sweet romance!

A Few Werds About Basterds

Here's the trailer for the new Quentin TarantinoNazi-ploitation movie Inglorious Basterds:



It looks a teensy bit too silly for my blood (I would much rather see a bona fide Dirty Dozen homage rather than a farcical one), but I have to admit I love an Aldo Ray shoutout. Also, I can't fault any movie that has Cloris Leachman in it, unless that movie is Spanglish.

Our Lips Are Sealed

(This photo montage is not even from this episode but I find it enthralling.)

I am happy to report that last night's "Nip/Tuck" was far more festive than recent episodes, with a delightful (if a tad derivative of an old Will Farrell "Saturday Night Live" sketch) man-addicted-to-sucking-his-own-penis plot line, a made-for-tv movie starring Miss Morgan Fairchild (!) as teddy bear murderer Colleen Rose, and the much-anticipated (by me) baby collagen injection story arc. The show did end on a bit of a bummer note, but overall it was every bit as outlandish, grotesque, trashy, and ridonkulous as we've come to expect from "Nip/Tuck." Huzzah!

Manny Skerrit is a yoga teacher who can't stop fellating himself. He comes to McNamara/Troy to beg for a penis reduction on his ginormous "Tyrannosaurus prick," which is available to his mouth because of his extreme flexibilty, and it is ruining his life because he's abandoned all other forms of activitiy in his life--all he wants to do is blow himself. They agree to the surgery after Dr. Christian Troy admits he's tried it himself, but of course couldn't do it: "Missed it by this much." This is the kind of thing that possibly only guys are obsessed with. But I could be wrong!

The doctors need to hire a new anesthesiologist because Dr. Christian Troy's dickish behavior made conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz run off to Florida last episode. Dr. Sean McNamara hires one of those female characters on tv who are supposed to be "dangerous" (ie, tattooed, drives a Harley--oooh! naughty!) and "sexy" (ie, lots of burning eye contact--BURNING, I say! and tousled blonde hair). Clearly she is going to lead him down a road to ruin.

Kimber, the crazy ex--porn star/ex-wife of creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt/ex-fiancee of Dr. Christian Troy wants him to inject collagen into the lips of her 18 month-old baby (and Dr. Christian Troy's granddaughter) because she is trying to get a contract with powerhouse baby modeling agents "The Steves," who think the baby is the next "baby Cindy Crawford," but want to improve her "thin, villanious" lips. Several characters make reference to Baby Jenna's "thin, villanous" lips throughout the show, which is funny and sad at the same time. Dr. Christian Troy is appalled and goes with Kimber and Baby Jenna to see The Steves and try and get the names of the surgeons they use so he can report them, but of course they won't divulge that information and he leaves in a huff of righteous indignation.

In the mean time, Bradley Cooper returns (yay!) as Aidan Stone, the disgraced (for doing it with underage devious sloot Eden) sex-crazed actor from show-within-a-show "Hearts & Scalpels." He has written a script called "Deadly Tightrope: The Sean McNamara Story" based on Dr. Sean McNamara's experiences with Colleen Rose, his ersatz agent and would-be teddy bear murderer. They show a few imaginary scenes from the yet-to-be-produced screenplay with Miss Morgan Fairchild taking on the role (and giant black round glasses) of Colleen Rose. Aidan Stone has taken some liberties with the story--making Dr. Sean McNamara and Colleen Rose lovahs, having Colleen Rose murder an amusingly fat and bald Dr. Christian Troy by turning him into a stuffed teddy bear, etc etc. Dr. Sean McNamara is not sure if he should let the movie go into production or not, but his new, DANGEROUS and SEXY anesthesiologist tells him to take the money and run.

After a depressing baby model cattle call in which Baby Jenna is yet again accused of having "thin, villianous" lips, Kimber convinces Dr. Christian Troy to inject the baby with collagen. At the last minute he changes his mind, so Kimber does it herself and Baby Jenna immediately signs with The Steves and is going to make big money from Baby Prada, Baby Dior, et al.

During the auto-fellater's penis reduction surgery, the DANGEROUS and SEXY anesthesiologist convinces Dr. Sean McNamara to take gag photos (hey-oh!) of the yoga guy's enormous schlong while he's under anesthesia. The song playing in the background? That "Oh, Yeah" song by Yello from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, naturally. Ha!

Aidan Stone tries to get the yoga self-fellater to sue McNamara/Troy for taking the peen pics, which makes Dr. Christian Troy royally pissed off, and he throws a bit of a hissy fit. But Dr. Sean McNamara is clearly in the thrall of the DANGEROUS and SEXY anesthesiologist, and could care less.

Dr. Christian Troy sits at home, watching the ocean, being contemplative, looking sad. Dr. Sean McNamara comes in and tries to cheer him up, to no avail. Suddenly creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt comes barreling in with a hypodermic needle and stabs Dr. Christian Troy in the arm, because he thinks he's the one who injected Baby Jenna's thin, villianous lips with collagen, and is obviously the kind of person who stabs first, asks questions later. Dr. Christian Troy yells that he didn't do it, and they call Kimber, who admits her crime and says snarkily that now the baby is more successful at 18 months than Matt has ever been, which is true.

Dr. Sean McNamara rides on the back of a motorcycle with the the DANGEROUS and SEXY anesthesiologist and does it with her. This will end in tears (Dr. Sean McNamara's), I predict.

We see Baby Jenna on the set of some big-time baby advertising campaign, and Dr. Christian Troy playing with her and looking sad. Then we flashback to the scene where he refused to inject the collagen--and see that when Kimber doesn't do a good job, he finishes it for her. Kimber says she'll take the fall for him. Now we know why he's been so cranky and sad all episode--GUILT over injecting his 18 month-old grandbaby's lips with collagen!

And SCENE.

Next week on "Nip/Tuck": Dr. Christian Troy's cancer is spreading and he may only have 6 months to live (so much for the good times! thanks a lot, "Nip/Tuck") and he travels to Florida to possibly propose marriage to conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz!

Waiting For Good 'Ho

(all images via vh1)

Whassa goin' on with Bret Michaels? Throughout this season of "Rock of Love," despite--or perhaps because of--an onslaught of trashy skankitude previously unknown outside of a Joe Francis bachelor party in Tijuana--he's been ambivalent, morose, and consumed by ennui. BRET MICHAELS. I think he 's aware of the problem, though, because on last night's "Rock of Love Bus" he dropped by the stripper store and picked up some fresh blood to liven up what I can only describe as a train wreck of a bus tour. Desperate times call for desperate measures, people!

Let me back up a bit. The buses pull up to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club outside of St. Louis, and at first some of the very few non-strippers on the show (ie, Beverly) are rightfully worried they will have to do some kind of lap dance in Larry Flynt's wheelchair in order to make an emotional connection with Bret. But, no, it's a makeover challenge. I love makeovers! Bret brings out three obviously dowdied-up women with baggy sweaters, glasses, no makeup, etc. The idiotic skanktestants clearly believe that these ladies really look like this all the time. The challenge is to trash 'em up the way Bret likes it. Makeover teams are formed and Natasha, Farrah, and Mindy are the captains. Each is assigned a girl to transform from drab to scab. The winning team captain gets a romantic dream date with Bret.

Here's the BEFORE:



And here's THE AFTER:


What Not To Wear, indeed.

After the makeovers, Bret a likee what he sees. He informs everyone that a) all three captains win the date because they did such an awesome job, and b) the three makeoverettes will be joining the tour as contestants. Bret casts a beady eye over the original gals to see what their reaction is to this news. Some of the skanks are confused about the situation and start clapping, which Bret takes as a lack of loyalty. Bret a no likee what he sees. He pouts back to the bus, solo, to do some soul searching, musing, and terrible, terrible guitar playing.

Insanely bitchy Ashley is tres peeved that there will be three new competitors, and she goes to Bret's bus to discuss the matter. She cries. This makes Bret feel like he has more than a party connection or the dreaded friendship connection, but possibly the coveted emotional connection with Ashley and her giant bazooms. Then she dries her tears and tells Bret, serious as a heart attack, that she thinks Natasha is a man because she has a low, husky voice and wears tutus all the time in an effort to conceal her "bulge." Then Ashley and Bret make out in an extremely disgusting manner. Why is Bret's frenching so revolting? I cannot put my finger on it. Is it the wig?


Ewww.

The team captains go on their dream date with Bret, which takes place on a river boat. There is much talk about party connections vs. emotional connections, blah blah blah. Then Mindy--who is a dead ringer for a sluttier Jamie Lynn Sigler, the actress who played Meadow Soprano, albeit with a hick accent not unlike Brandine Spuckler of "The Simpsons"--drags Bret off and they make out in an extremely disgusting manner.

In the mean time, trouble's a brewin' for the new contestants. They try to make friends in the hotel room where the old contestants are staying, but Brittanya, Our Lady of the Dimple Piercings, is having none of it. Her response to newbie Kami's friendly overtures is to go off like a particularly whorish Chinese firecracker, with a lot of cursing and threats of violence. Hilariously, she finds within herself the gall to accuse Kami of only being on the show so she can be "on tv."

Back on the boat, Bret is struggling with Ashley-implanted thoughts that Natasha is a man, baby! He actually comes close to asking her outright if she's a dude, but THANK GOD he chickens out and refrains from humiliating this woman on national tv (although it was probably already too late).

Bret takes the new girls aside and they discuss children and hotness. Then Beverly interrupts to ask why these interlopers have been brought on the show. Oddly, Bret is angered by Beverly's outburst, even though he proceeds to say how terrible it was that some of the contestants clapped at the announcement that the new ladies were being added. Then he says, rather snippily, "Anybody else?" Which again, is strange, because he just said how mad it made him that no one was upset, but when Beverly is upset, that makes Bret mad. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Bret is using something of a tautological argument that lacks a firm foundation in Kantian logic. Or he does not dig Beverly very much.

The new girls and Bret go on a romantic dream date at a bowling alley, and they have fun and Bret's thinking he made the right choice when he added the threesome to the group. They inform him about Brittanya's little outburst, which of course turns him on; then they say she mentioned something about "not caring if she goes home or not," which turns Bret off. It's an emotional roller coaster ride this week!

When Bret returns to the hotel, he calls Ashley to his bus so she can listen to him play his hair-raisingly bad new song and have sex with him.

Bret decides to work out in the hotel's fitness room and gets Brittanya in there to discuss her anger management issues. Brittanya is wearing a "dress" that consists of one millimeter of chainmail and appears to have come from a Too Live Crew video shoot tag sale. Bret would like to have a conversation with Brittanya, but she appears to be too dim-witted to speak any actual words. Even Bret is taken aback by the cricket sounds emanating from the free weight section. But he does like that dress!



Elimination time. No surprise: The new girls are safe. Ashley, having shared her heart, soul, and most importantly, her body with Bret, is safe. I was thinking he would have to eliminate four girls to make up for adding three new ones, but no, only one is going home. It gets down to Natasha, for possibly being a man (and the unspoken but obvious fact that Bret is not really going to date a black person) and Brittanya, for possibly having no brain, like a skanktacular Tin Man. And to the surprise of no one, manly Natasha is thrown off the bus. She cries quite femininely, but it's too late. Her tour ends here.



Natasha, I bid you good look with your dream of becoming a Canadian madam!

Next week on "Rock of Love Bus": Drama, catfights, and some kind of scandal involving a photo of Bret!

Peens-n-Teens Are Somehow No Fun

This week's "Nip/Tuck" was a rather melancholy affair, which is odd, considering the fact that some of the plot lines include a Mary Kay Letourneau-type teacher/young boy love triangle, a penile enlargement, former lesbian anesthesiologist Liz getting a glam makeover, and Raj getting drunk and high. But somehow it managed to be very, very sad.

First up, the Mary Kay Letourneau story. The doctors interview "Carrie May" and a boy they assume is her son, but is in fact her husband. They have the EXACT same story as the real Mary Kay--she was the kid's teacher, they had a passionate and gross affair, she went to prison for statutory rape, she got out on good behavior, they were immediately caught doing it in a car, she went back to prison, and they got married when she was released and he turned 18. Now "Carrie May" is pregnant and the kid wants to look older so people will take him more seriously as a husband and father. The doctors are hesitant for about a millisecond but of course agree to do the surgery.

Wunderkind doctor/comic relief Raj introduces his father, also a brilliant surgeon, to Dr. Sean McNamara. Raj and his father have all kinds of issues because the father pushed Raj so hard to be a wunderkind all his life. Now the dad wants Raj to perform his penile enlargement so he can "whore it up" while globetrotting after the death of his beloved wife, aka Raj's mother. Raj is at first a wee bit apprehensive about operating on his father's peen, but the dad browbeats him into doing the surgery.

Dr. Sean McNamara is having troubles with his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt, because Matt is not trying hard in his medical studies, to no one's surprise.

Dr. Christian Troy is getting his breast reconstruction surgery. Dr. Sean McNamara performs the operation with assistance from Raj, while Raj's father and Matt watch from the viewing gallery. In order to let Raj show off for his dad, Dr. Sean McNamara lets Raj finish the suturing. Dr. Sean McNamara talks with Raj's dad and clearly wishes a little Raj would rub off on Matt.

The breast reconstruction is a big success. Dr. Christian Troy has only a tiny little scar under his pec, so he can tell babes he was "knifed trying to stop a burglar" or whatever. In the mean time, poor former lesbian anesthesiologist Liz goes all out trying to make herself attractive to Dr. Christian Troy, who clearly doesn't like seeing her walk around the house naked and is banging skanks left and right. Liz gets a full-on makeover, with hair ironing, make-up, cute clothes--the works. And it is ALL IN VAIN because Dr. Christian Troy is a manwhore.

In fact, Dr. Christian Troy is such a vigorous post-op male slut that he pulls the sutures out while doing it and his breast implant goes all wonky. He runs into the Troy/McNamara operating room right when Raj is about to start operating on his father, and it comes out that Raj is the one who did the faulty sutures. Raj's father gets up and refuses to be operated on by his son, he's ashamed of him, blah blah blah. For someone in need of a penile enlargement, Raj's dad is a huge dick!

The surgery to age "Carrie May"'s husband is underway. The aging process seems to include a lot of mustache and side burn hair plugs. Afterwards, the husband's younger brother and father gather around with "Carrie May" to see the results. Oh, brother! You know where THIS is going. Sure enough, as soon as the bandages are removed and she sees the "older" husband and is clearly repulsed by his non-jailbait appearance, she practically leaps across the bed to ravage the younger brother.

Matt and Raj get drunk and high in Matt's truck. They commiserate over their relationship problems--the sex with trannies, the fathers who don't love them for who they are, etc etc. Suddenly, Raj implores Matt to slam the truck door on his hand so he won't have to be a surgeon anymore. Of course Matt does it. Matt is RETARDED.

Cue emergency surgery of Raj's hand and Dr. Sean McNamara shaking his head sadly at the devastated dad.

Matt tells Dr. Sean McNamara he wants to be an actor, not a doctor. Dr. Sean McNamara thinks this is fine. Dr. Sean McNamara is a fool.

We see an apartment door open, and in walks the newly-mustachioed-and-be-sideburned kid, calling out for his wife. Who is doing it with his teenage brother in their bed.

Former lesbian anesthesiologist Liz has a talk with Dr. Sean McNamara about her relationship with Dr. Christian Troy. The next thing you know, Dr. Sean McNamara informs Dr. Christian Troy that due to his horrible treatment of former lesbian anesthesiologist Liz, she is not only quitting their practice but moving back to Miami.

AND SCENE.

See what I mean? Not very much joie-de-vivre. All sadness, all the time. Boo! We want good times with our crazy over-the-top outrageousness! But hope springs eternal, because....

Next week: We finally get the Kimber-wants-to-inject-collagen-into-her-baby story!