Friday, January 30, 2009
Today Felt Up turns FIVE years old. Can you believe it? According to the experts, this year we can expect lots of new words, tantrums, eating nasty things, and running around with no clothes on. In other words, not much will change!
This is my 1, 423 post. I know I've been just a tad uneven in output the past year or so, but rest assured that I am committed to keeping the blog alive and annoying for years to come...
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
First up, Felt Up fave rave emeritus Jennifer Coolidge shows up again as Candy Richards, star of "Hearts & Scalpels" and newly-identified African-American. Yes, Candy has taken a DNA test and discovered her black roots, so she has started a rap career as "Hot Coco" and needs Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy to put implants into her rear so she'll have more junk in her trunk. During the surgery, we see the video for Hot Coco's new single, "Yo Stank":
For some reason, we are cruelly cheated of seeing Hot Coco's post-op J. Lo ass.
Dr. Sean McNamara convinces Dr. Christian Troy to attend a breast cancer support group, where he tells all the women they need to "take control of their destinies" and have breast reconstruction surgery, or no man will ever desire them again. He is a straight talker! He calls it like he sees it! He wears sunglasses at night! He also picks up a hot, sexy, clearly deranged lady who after doing it with him while "Save A Prayer" by Duran Duran plays awesomely on the soundtrack begs him to remove her healthy breasts because her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She admits she has tested negative for the BCRA gene that causes breast/ovarian cancer, but is adamant that he take 'em off.
In the mean time, Dr. Sean McNamara's ex-wife's girlfriend Olivia wants him to perform a face lift on her because she's aged so much taking care of Julia after her devious sloot daughter Eden shot her in the face. She also informs him that she and Julia are moving to New York in three weeks; he is extremely peeved at this news.
Dr. Christian Troy is about to do the double mastectomy on his support group lady, but conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz talks him out of it and suggests the woman get therapy instead. When she wakes up and finds her boobs still attached, the lady is very very upset. How upset, you ask? Oh, JUST WAIT.
Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is confused after doing it with Dr. Christian Troy last week, because she enjoyed it so much. She goes on a date with a male anesthesiologist she met at a conference; on their way out a bong-smoking Dr. Christian Troy calls out, "She's a lesbian!"
Dr. Sean McNamara peels back Olivia's face during her surgery and goes into a fantasy sequence where a peeled-face Olivia speaks to him and says that he really wants to kill her; he comes to just in time to deal with Olivia going into cardiac arrest. Olivia dies. Julia screams to Dr. Sean McNamara that he killed her on purpose and she will never ever forgive him and will do everything to end his career if it turns out that there's proof she died because of him!
Turns out Olivia was secretly on anti-depressants, which she neglected to tell conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz, which caused her death, not Dr. Sean McNamara's murderous jealousy.
The breast cancer support group lady who wanted the mastectomy shows up at McNamara/Troy's office, takes out some kind of turkey cutter, pulls up her blouse and HACKS OFF HER BREAST IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WAITING ROOM. Dr. Christian Troy rushes her into surgery; conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz apologizes for not letting Dr. Christian Troy perform the original surgery that the crazed maniac wanted in the first place. I think THEY ARE ALL INSANE. The lady should have been rushed to the nut house instead! Oh, "Nip/Tuck," how far will you go to shock and disgust? 'Tis the reason I love you so...
At Dr. Christian Troy's house, we see conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz saying goodnight to Wilbur, the most adorable child who ever graced a tv show. He wants to know if she'll be there in the morning for him. She and Dr. Christian Troy discuss Wilbur's request, which leads to her admitting that her date with the other anesthesiologist did not go well, that she is a lesbian for everyone except Dr. Christian Troy, that there is something special about him. And then Dr. Christian Troy admits the same to her! Not that he's a lesbian, but that he knows she is there for him more than any woman he knows and he trusts her. And they decide to try and be a couple for Wilbur's sake! And walk into his bedroom arm-in-arm! OMG!
Finally, boring ole Julia is telling Dr. Sean McNamara that she plans on taking Olivia's ashes to New York and scatter them at The Cloisters, but then Olivia's devious sloot daughter Eden shows up out of the blue, lies that Olivia probably purposely didn't tell them about the anti-depressants so that she would die on the operating table because she she felt guilty--for shooting Julia! What a conniving little wench! Then she throws Olivia's ashes all over Julia and Dr. Sean McNamara!
Next time on "Nip/Tuck": Trouble in paradise already as conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz can't tolerate Dr. Christian Troy's philandering ways and the return of genius wunderkind/comic relief Raj, who is asked to perform a penis enlargement--on his own father! Ha ha ha!
Monday, January 26, 2009
(all images via VH1)
I know, I know: Beverly is the least hose-baggy of the contestants. But, like her, I just couldn't help myself! Last night's "Rock of Love Bus" had a lot of twists and turns and what-have-yous. Let's dive right into the muck, shall we?
Right off the bat, there is drama, as Maria, who never misses an opportunity to let us know that she is an "ex-model," has some kind of medical condition that puts her in the hospital and off the show. Perhaps she has "Joker"-itis? Bret Michaels talks to her on her phone and she tells him that they couldn't draw her blood because Bret has her heart, which is kind of a creepy thing to say. Bret says he will go against hospital orders and pay her a visit, because he is a rock-n-roll rebel and no nurse is going to keep him away! Also, apparently he needs to return her heart. STAT.
In the mean time, the ladies have been told they are on their way to Chicago, where they should be "dressed to impress," which in skank language means "sluttiest stripper-wear imaginable." Several of the girls are wearing so little that they either get their naughty bits blurred or simply have a floating black box over their nether regions.
The challenge takes place inside a club in a casino. It is a "roadie challenge," where they have to break down Bret's sad ole set and load it all into vans. You know right away somebody is going to get hurt. I find it odd that this show devises so many physical challenges--I would much rather watch them take an IQ test or have to compose a song or sew a stage costume for Bret than do all these borderline-sadistic challenges where they wear skimpy clothing and have the potential to get seriousy injured. The girls choose guitar picks, and Marcia the Brazlian gets an extra-special pick that means she automatically gets VIP status and doesn't have participate in the challenge. Awesomely, Marcia is wearing her black veil from the Wedding Vow Challenge, and her top is unable to cover her Brazillian bazooms:
She has also been drunk since--well, I'm not sure if she has ever not been drunk during this show. Bret has some alone time with her, and she tells him that she doesn't love him because she barely knows him. Which is a sane, rational thing to point out; however, we all know there is no place for sane and rational on this show.
During the roadie challenge, Taya, the Penthouse Pet, perhaps being punished by the gods for her incredibly tacky outfit, falls HARD off the stage and hits her leg in a really alarming way on the side of the stage. They show her falling five or six times, in slow-mo. It is stomach-turning viewing, let me tell you. Rather than seek medical treatment, she decides to tough it out and continue unloading the equipment while sobbing and throwing a pain-induced hissyfit. Her teammates are not sympathetic to her plight.
Despite the heroic efforts of a vinyl-n-eyelet-clad Penthouse Pet, the other team wins the challenge and thus get VIP treatment for the night's show. The losing team members, thoroughly demoralized, sit glumly and eat chips. Then Bret arrives with a last chance for one of the losers to win--he hands out cell phones, and the one who calls a number and hears a special ringtone gets to ditch her team and join the winners. Kelsey the barely legal Mormon wins, much to Taya's and Mindy's chagrin. Mindy is totally dejected and pretty much just gives up all hope for ever spending time with Bret and slides down a sad spiral of glumness and despair. Hey, we've all been there. However, this is no way to win a reality dating show! Man up, Mindy!
The winning team receive some kind of engraved bracelets from the very bottom of Bret's heart. What could be more romantic than receiving a bulk gift? The show starts and the losers have to go stand back by the sound board, while the winners dance around in incredibly whorish costumes on stage. Somehow, despite the lights and the distance, they are all able to make out that Mindy is acting the sadsack and not shaking her moneymaker like the rest of them. Also, Marcia sees some superfans of Bret in the front row and generously (and stupidly) decides to give them the group love bracelet she received earlier from Bret.
The show leaves Bret tuckered out, so the girls and the rest of his band party hardy in the casino bar. Beverly, hitherto the most grounded-seeming of the bunch, gets waaasted and flirts with the be-mohawked drummer of Bret's band, and Ashley catches her giving him a kiss. Ashley screams to anyone who will listen that Beverly "made out" with the drummer. Beverly seems to have been in a blackout and instantly has no memory of the event. She confronts Ashley, who is even drunker than Beverly, but all Ashley will say to any question is "I wanna cheeseburger." What did you see, Ashley? "I don't care, I want a cheeseburger." Did you see Beverly make out with the drummer? "I'm not here for you. I want a cheeseburger." And who can blame her? Ashley pukes about ten times in and out and around the casino.
The next day the winners go on their dream date with Bret, to a microbrewery. Hair o' the pup for the ladies! Ashley CANNOT WAIT to tell Bret about Beverly's indiscretion with the drummer. Beverly is unable to explain her actions, except to say that she can't remember any of them. Bret is peeved. Ashley is stoked. Bret is also not happy to learn that Marcia gave away the bracelet he specially gave her and six others. To her face, he acts like she is "awesome" to be so generous with his fans, but to the camera he says that it is the opposite of awesome. It is, in fact, unawesome.
Elimination time. The bottom three are Mindy, for being a downer and throwing Bret off his "emotional game" at his show; Marcia, for being a drunken party girl who may or may not know Bret's name; and Beverly, for slutting it up with his band. In a very dramatique move, Bret tells Big John to take away the last two remaining passes, indicating that all three are about to be eliminated. But, noooooo. It's just a bunch of hoo-ha. He keeps Mindy and Beverly and the tour ends here for Marcia, who is too drunk to care. We will miss you and your tequila-swilling, tiny-thong-wearing ways, Marcia. May you win "I Love Money 3" and keep yourself in tequila and black veils for many years to come...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Well, I spaced on the Golden Globes, due to lack of interest, but here's the complete list of this year's Academy Award nominations for categories I care about, along with my comments. (Note the complete shut-out of "Revolutionary Road," which I applaud. Who wants to see a humorless drama about 1950s unhappy, unfulfilled pretty rich people? Not me!)
* Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor”
* Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon”
* Sean Penn in “Milk”
* Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
* Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler”
Best Supporting Actor:
* Josh Brolin in “Milk”
* Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder”
* Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt”
* Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”
* Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road”
O, the agony and the ecstasy! The ecstasy comes from Robert Downey Jr.'s nomination for "Tropic Thunder." Huzzah! The agony is that he's up against Heath Ledger. SIGH.
* Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married”
* Angelina Jolie in “Changeling”
* Melissa Leo in “Frozen River”
* Meryl Streep in “Doubt”
* Kate Winslet in “The Reader”
Dear god in heaven, don't let Angelina Jolie win another Oscar. Give it to Melissa Leo, whoever she may be. Jolie CANNOT ACT. When will people realize this fact? Kate Winslet would be ok by me, although this whole "let's feel sorry for the illiterate Nazi" movie is kind of annoying. She should have won for "Little Children," dammit!
Best Supporting Actress:
* Amy Adams in “Doubt”
* Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
* Viola Davis in “Doubt”
* Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
* Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler”
This is a tough one. Amy Adams and Viola Davis will cancel each other out, I predict. Marisa Tomei is probably deserving, but she already won this category (for "My Cousin Vinnie," naturally), and no one wants to say "two-time Academy Award-winner Marisa Tomei" if they can help it. I would like to see Taraji P. Henson get it because I liked her in "Hustle & Flow."
* “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, David Fincher
* “Frost/Nixon”, Ron Howard
* “Milk”, Gus Van Sant
* “The Reader”, Stephen Daldry
* “Slumdog Millionaire”, Danny Boyle
David Fincher should win--for "Zodiac"! I hope Danny Boyle gets this, but if Gus Van Sant wins, that would be ok with me, too. Just no Ron Howard! After winning every award on earth for that "Beautiful Mind" claptrap, lil' Opie Cunningham deserves NOTHING ever again.
Best Documentary Feature:
* “The Betrayal (Nerakhoon),” Ellen Kuras and Thavisouk Phrasavath
* “Encounters at the End of the World,” Werner Herzog and Henry Kaiser
* “The Garden," Scott Hamilton Kennedy
* “Man on Wire,” James Marsh and Simon Chinn
* “Trouble the Water," Tia Lessin and Carl Deal
This category is always tough. "Trouble The Water" has the Katrina guilt factor going for it, but "Man on Wire" should win for sheer awesomeness.
Best Motion Picture of the Year:
* “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
* “Frost/Nixon,” Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers
* “Milk,” Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers
* “The Reader,” A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Nominees to be determined
* “Slumdog Millionaire,” Christian Colson, Producer
I say give it to "Milk" for casting Diego Luna and James Franco as Milk's gay lovers! Or "Slumdog Millionaire," which makes me crave Indian food every time I see the commercial!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
(all images via VH1)
I have mixed feelings about this episode of "Rock of Love Bus." Sure, we got to see some truly nutty behavior from certifiable former porn star Brittaney. But it wasn't fun nutty--'twas sad, sad nutty. And yes, we got to see the ladies try to ice skate; but they seemed to be getting truly injured whenever they fell down in their skimpy uniforms. And, sure, Bret Michaels did indeed take some of the contestants on a romantic dream date at a strip club, but then he made one of the girls very uncomfortable by insisting she was no fun if she refused to get up and act like a skank in public. SIGH. Whassa goin' on, "Rock of Love Bus"?
Let's get to the fun parts. The ladies are going to ride their buses to fabulous Champaign, Illinois! Lots of confusion ensues amongst the less-intelligent contestants about the town vs. the sparkling wine. Who cares? Yee-ha, bitches!
The contest this week is another version of the "Baby Bret Bowl" from last season, when they glue a bandanna and a blonde wig on a doll and the girls have to protect it during a physically challenging game. This time it's ICE HOCKEY. Out barrels Lacey with her trademark, "What's up, skanks?" which never seems to get old, unlike Lacey.
The contestants are divided into teams--black, blue, and pink. Wily tomboy Beverly pretends that she cannot skate at all, but not one of the other ladies picks up on her ruse, despite her being the most athletic person on the show, so she is chosen dead last.
During the match, which is played against the extremely well-padded-and-helmuted women's hockey team from the local university, the Rock of Lovelies fall down a lot and it is rather alarming to see their bare upper bodies scraping and banging along the ice. Natasha gets some kind of concussion from her head slamming down on the ice, and Melissa thinks she might have "popped" one of her breast implants after a fall. Ouch!
Natasha is down. REPEAT. NATASHA IS DOWN!
Of course Beverly scores the winning goal for her team and they win an "amazingly hot" date with Bret! OMG! The other teams are peeved that they were outsmarted by the cunning of Beverly. Of course, a sea slug could outmaneuver these ladies, but it's still delightful to behold their confusion and anger.
The losers head back to a hotel via the buses, and some of them decide to rummage through craaaazy Brittaney's bunk because they swear it smells "like pee." The odor turns out to be stashed food and the sweaty socks they wore during the hockey game. When confronted, Brittaney at first denies that she took anything at all and acts like this is simply more "catfightery," but then later interviews that she had "permission" to gather up the socks from rink officials. Which just makes me depressed, because as I said before, this is not fun, festive skank kookiness. Stealing and stashing sweaty used socks bespeaks some kind of sad mental illness, and it is BRINGING ME DOWN, MAN.
In the mean time, the winners arrive at their amazingly hot romantic dream date at Bret's favorite midwestern strip club, Big Al's. Maria, the tall Joker-lookalike lady who constantly says she "used to be a model" is certainly dressed for the occasion in some kind of bondage-y stripper dress cut down to the navel with chains that attach her wrists to her neck. It is beyond vulgar. Huzzah!
Brittaney and Melissa, while not totally psyched, throw themselves onto the pole (and each other) with gusto. Poor ole Beverly is just not feeling it, for some reason. She stands there, frowning, while the other three go through their well-honed gyrations. Now, she probably should at least have attempted to smile or look like she was enjoying herself if she wants to stay in this contest, but I have to say that if I was forced to get on a tittie bar stage and dance around and possibly take my clothes off during a date, I might be a little glum myself.
Bret told Beverly: "You're here to party. GO!"
Bret takes her to a back room for some one-on-one FACE TIME and Beverly explains that she has three kids and doesn't want anything to cause them to get teased at school, which is a very valid concern. To her face, Bret is all "oh, I have two daughters, I know what you mean," but to the camera later he says that she is being a "buzz kill."
Now, Bret Michaels has been many things over these past two and half seasons of "Rock of Love"--tongue kisser, lover, "singer," drinker, eater, talker, sufferer of diabetes, connoisseur of wigs, wearer of terrible clothing. But until this moment, I didn't think he was an awful person. A person completely lacking in taste in all aspects of life? Yes. A manchild who deep down wants a boyfriend with breasts? Yes. A baldy whose bandannas fool no one? YES. But he has also displayed humor and humanity, and is usually not a total dumbass, douche, or tool. (Oh, don't get me started on my love of VH1's new show "Tool Academy." All I can say is Bravo, VH1! BRAVO! But I digress.) However, in this scene with Beverly he crosses a line into dickdom. Yes, I'm sorry: DICKDOM. It's just a dick thing to do. I felt bad for Beverly (as bad as I can for someone participating in a Bret Michaels dating reality contest show on a bus, that is). Even insane former porn star Brittaney and trout-mouthed Melissa are kind of sad that this is how they spent their date with Bret. Only Maria seems to looooove being up on the stage.
Later, back at the hotel, some of the skantestants are awakened by someone--it turns out to be I-popped-my-freaking-implant Melissa--talking to her apparent boyfriend on an illegal cell phone about not liking Bret as a person, how old Bret looks, and most damning of all, how Bret's hair is "fake." Why Melissa does all this is a loud enough voice that everyone can hear her, I have no idea. The next day, while Melissa is getting her popped implant examined by a doctor, Farrah and Ashley do their duty and tell Bret everything they heard, wisely focusing on the fake hair allegations.
Bret talks to Melissa privately and tells her that she has put him on a bipolar roller coaster ride without ever even having sex with him! Melissa lies outright when confronted about the call and says she doesn't have a phone and never made a phone call. As Farrah would say: What the French, lady? Do these idiots even realize that they are on a tv show and that they are being FILMED?
Elimination time. Bret is PISSED. He angrily calls Melissa "a player" with a boyfriend and repeats his tried-and-true joke about using "the finest European hair extensions" that money can buy and then tells her to "get the f*ck out," much to the other girls' (and a nation's) delight. Melissa exits gracefully, shooting both fingers at Bret and the remaining contestants.
Melissa, we hardly knew ya.
Oddly, this apparently does not count as an elimination, as Bret continues to tell each girl whether or not she can continue to rock his world. It gets down to poor loony tunes Brittaney and poor non-whore Beverly, but in the end even the pleading and crying of an army of VH1 producers is not enough to keep Brittaney on the love bus, and her tour ends here. Bon voyage, crazy lady. Ye and your ginormous bazooms shall be missed. I hope you receive immediate psychiatric care.
Next week: Will Bret redeem himself in my eyes through a bold act of romantic chivalry? DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I am very saddened to relay the news of Ricardo Montalban's death. He thrilled the greatest generation (mine) as Mr. Roarke on "Fantasy Island" and as KHAN! in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan.
However, I was a bit surprised at how old he was--88. He seemed ageless, and eternally elegant in any time, realm, or galaxy.
He shall be missed.
I fretted last week that "Nip/Tuck" was slipping a bit after a lackluster season premiere (technically "part 2" of last season, for some unknown reason), but I needn't have worried. Last night's episode was chock full of the tasteless sex, insanity, and grotesqueries that we have come to expect from "Nip/Tuck," thank god. The main theme was "mothering," and all the horrors that go along with it!
The show opens with Dr. Sean McNamara, Dr. Christian Troy, and 17-year-old wunderkind surgeon/comic relief Raj (who calls everyone by their full names just like I do--ie, "Thank you, Dr. Sean McNamara") interviewing an extremely androgynous couple in flannel shirts and odd hairdos who describe themselves constantly as "horse people" in a very creepy manner. It seems that the male-ish half of the couple is going through some kind of "manopause" that has made him soft and girlish-looking. I kept thinking that if he got rid of his Dorothy Hamill hair cut, it might make a big difference. He wonders who will perform his surgeries (to man-up his jawline, pecs, flabby belly, etc) and says something along the lines of, "No offense, but you've got a doctor in a wheelchair, one in chemo, and a 17-year-old. Who is going to operate on me?" Good question, man/ma'am.
The breast cancer treatment for Dr. Christian Troy continues, and lesbian Nurse Liz is there for him during his seemingly endless rounds of vomiting. (I really hate seeing people throw up on screen, unless it is a puppet and the movie is Team America.) At first, Dr. Christian Troy is all, "I don't need you taking care of me, I can do this myself," but eventually (after his ex-fiancee/ex-porn star/mother of his grandchild Kimber humiliates him and then a hooker humiliates him and robs him of his cancer meds) he realizes he does need help getting through this, blah blah blah. Long story short: He does it with lesbian Nurse Liz! However, it is not nearly as fun and festive as cancer patient/lesbian platonic friend sex could and should be. He pretends to be zonked out and doesn't say a word, which is not a very nice thing to do to his friend, employee, and caretaker. The next day Raj immediately guesses what happened and they yell at each other and that's it. I wanted more! More what, exactly, I'm not sure, but MORE.
In the mean time, wheelchair faker Dr. Sean McNamara is getting involved with one of his comely female medical students. She likes to mother Dr. Sean McNamara. A LOT. She calls him "baby" and herself "mama" and she bathes him and shaves his genitalia and eventually puts a giant diaper on him. I can only repeat Friend of Felt Up Tanya B.'s observation: "How did it take this show so long to get to sexual infantilization?" How, indeed? We are in Season Five, Part Two! This kind of subject matter should have been addressed by the second season, tops. Dr. Sean McNamara likes the babying at first, but draws the line at the diaper and leaps to his non-paralyzed feet to usher the student out the door--all in front of boring ole Julia.
The operation on the horseman/woman is performed by Dr. Christian Troy with assistance from Raj while "I'm Not The Man I Used To Be" by Fine Young Cannibals plays in the background (!). Dr. Christian Troy keeps upchucking into surgical trays, much to the chagrin of EVERYONE. I know he can't help it, but it seems unsanitary.
Raj manages to get a b.j. in the office from the lesbian-seeming wife of the horseman/woman in gratitude for a job well done, but is horrified later when she sidles up next to him in the men's room and is revealed to be a MAN. Sort of. Raj discusses his sexual confusion with lesbian Nurse Liz, who knows a thing or two about these matters. Their little talk seems to make them both feel better.
Creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt punches a wall when told by Julia that Dr. Sean McNamara has been a wheelchair faker; only Dr. Christian Troy seems sanguine about the matter. He goes to Dr. Sean McNamara and tells him that he knows how hard it's been for Dr. Sean McNamara to take care of everyone and blah blah blah he can wait as long as it takes before he reconstructs Dr. Christian Troy's breast. Then he goes to vomit and Dr. Sean McNamara walks into the bathroom and puts his hand on Dr. Christian Troy's shoulder.
Next week on "Nip/Tuck," Dr. Christian Troy joins a breast cancer support group. Let's hurry this story up, shall we? Less chemo! More adult baby sex!
Monday, January 12, 2009
I wondered how "Rock of Love Bus" would possibly top last week's Vagina Shot heard 'round the world, and the answer is....with a big bunch of CRAZY.
Throughout this episode, former porn star/current nutty nutball Brittaney opines, wails, sobs, cries, and generally just carries on about her immense, deep, eternal, non-reciprocated love for Bret Michaels, whom she has known for approximately five minutes, on a bus, while 14 strippers constantly cavort in his lap and make out with him. She and Bret are going to "fly away on the wings of their love and make the world a better place." I am something of an amateur psychologist, and I believe I can correctly diagnose her with a rather serious case of kook-a-look-itis. It may be fatal, at least to Bret Michaels, because she is well on her way to being the Bruce Jeffrey Pardo of the Rock of Love bus. Watch your back, Bret!
The challenge this week is to dress up in Slooty McWhore "bridal" outfits and write fake wedding vows for, bestow gifts upon, and titillate the hell out of Bret Michaels. O holy, sacred bonds of marriage! How shall we wither thee more? What more outrages can we heap upon ye? Bret attends his faux nuptials in--what else?-- ladies' jeans and a tuxedo-print t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. He does not disappoint!
Naturally, crazy stalker Brittaney takes the fake vows waaaay too seriously and writes a five page opus that makes Bret, and the entire tv viewing audience, squirm. She thinks she nailed it and will win the challenge and thus a beautiful, enchanting four-way date with Bret that will lead to an eternal flame of love that will never be extinguished. She is deranged.
The majority of the skanktestants know that this gig calls for cleavage, lingerie, and vows that promise things like never wearing panties (Brazilian hotchacha Marcia) or letting Bret "hit it from behind" (southern sloot Farrah); holier-than-thou Penthouse Pet Taya plays her cards right and hands over framed centerfold photos of herself and the lingerie she wore while posing for said picture spread. And I do mean spread. Tomboy Beverly takes a chance and refuses to don the hooker gear and instead wears her jeans and a motocross jersey, plus she brings Bret a helmet or something. It's a bold move, but will shared interests and down-to-earthness be able to compete with exposed boobage and promises of dirty slut sex? I think you know the answer!
Dark-haired, dimple-pierced Brittanya, who cannot stop talking about her lack of intelligence (four times in two episodes!), is smart enough to give Bret the gift of her genital piercing. Don't knock yourself so much, Brittanya. You have skank smarts, which is more than most people.
So the winners are unsurprisingly Farrah, Taya, and Brittanya. Crazy stalker Brittaney is bereft. BEREFT, I say. She flees to the bus and starts a' sobbin' about the unfairness of it all, and is roundly mocked by the other non-winners. She keens into her pillow of sadness: "Am I not good enough?" which is listed in the The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy as one of the early signs of BATSH*T CRAZY STALKER TALK. Run, Bret Michaels! Pack up your wigs and run like the wind!
The buses roll into some kind of poor man's version of the Madonna Inn, with "fantasy honeymoon suites," like a spaceship room and one with a pink Cadillac parked in it. Bret and Big John are hosting an ersatz wedding reception outside, with a luau theme. The girls proceed to get dizrunk and peform ever-more-alarming lap dances for Bret. In the midst of this, sadsack madwoman Brittaney decides to show Bret that she is more than just poetry and epic wedding vows and tears and insanity; she's also fun and "gymnastic." So she puts on a bikini that is about 10 sizes too small (which prompts terrible beyotch Ashley to charmingly remark: "I didn't even know they made bikinis in size Fat F*ck.") and goes all "Tears of A Clown" on us, trying to be FUN! FUN! FUN! and FESTIVE! GOOD TIMES! by doing handstands with her crotch in Bret's face. It's like watching the burning of the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity, indeed.
The party gets moved indoors, where they have a general knowledge contest called "Are You Smarter Than A Rock Star?" and although Bret is no Stephen Hawking, I'm going to go ahead and say NO, they are not. The winners get all-access passes to spend time with Bret, of course. The contest features math ("If Bret has 16 groupies on a bus, three get drunk and pass out, how many menage-a-trois can he have?”) and trick questions that a kindergartner would be able to figure out, so of course the girls fail miserably. Brittanya, again underestimating her own cunning, decides to just make out with Bret, and she wins a pass, as do Natasha (for wearing the tiniest gold lame bikini ever seen outside of a Disco Slut Barbie collection) and Taya, for getting two answers right and being a Penthouse Pet.
The ladies retire to their frightening theme rooms, but insane in the membrane Brittaney starts having a total fit because she didn't win a pass and shrieks at Natasha that she won only because she's black. Natasha, who aspires to be a madam running a prostitution ring some day, is not one to be trifled with. She gets right in Brittaney's crazy face and they scream at each other, and Natasha calls Brittaney a racist, and Brittaney responds that she cannot possibly be a racist because her grandfather was a "beautiful black man" and we see her lose what's left of her tiny mind right before our very eyes. She returns to the solace of her space pod and wails into her space sheets.
The winners of the wedding challenge get their dreamy dream date with Bret, and it involves a hay ride and a picnic because Bret is all into Americana, or something. The girls look like aliens from planet Ho that have been dropped into the bucolic setting:
Taya hogs the conversation, telling Bret about her admiration for James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt (Taya is apparently a 60-year-old Penthouse Pet); Brittanya uses her contest-won pass to butt in to the tete-a-tete and make out with Bret. That girl is sharp as a tack, at least in terms of knowing what makes Bret tick.
Oh, and right about here we learn that former enemies Marcia and her choking victim Ashley have realized they are soul mates and bffs! They celebrate by getting hammered.
Bret has alone bus time with some of the ladies, and we see Melissa once again bitch about how she should be sent home because she can't take competing with other girls for Bret's love (she pulled this same stunt on the premiere), and you'd think he would take her up on it because she is totally being a drag, but then they make out so who knows? Then Constandina, the very special nut from "the foothills of the Appalachian mountains" who belly dances and wants to goddess touch Bret, foolishly admits that she has taken a vow to not have "all-the-way sex" for three years. Bret, who is not interested in "part-of-the-way sex" is understandibly disturbed by this news. And of course koo doo for coco puffs Brittaney has to tell Bret that the other girls, especially Natasha, are ganging up on her "for no reason." The producers are now editing all of her scenes with scary horror movie music to emphasize her murderous stalker potential, in case we hadn't already figure that out. Kudos, VH1, for your subtle manipulations!
Elimination time. Bret divides the final six contestants into two groups: the freaks and the geeks. On the freak side, we have Brazilian party girl Marcia, psycho Brittaney, and Melissa the Drag; the geeks are semi-celibate/fully-whacked-out Constandina, dull animal trainer Megan, and borderline anorexic Samantha . Of course he keeps the freaks around a bit longer, so the geeks' tour ends here. Constandina, I feel robbed that we did not get to see you work your magical Appalachian hoodoo on Bret's chakras, but perhaps we shall meet again in another life, on another astral plane. Or at least on "I Love Money 3."
Next week: The return of Lacey, skanks!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
NOTE: Friend of Felt Up Terri R. just pointed out the obvious-to-everyone-with-a-brain-but-me: that Dr. Sean McNamara is faking being paralyzed--for sympathy? So he doesn't have to perform surgery? So he can continue picking up wheelchair-crazed blonde floozies in bars? It remains to be seen!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Happy New Year, skanks!
If you're like me, you are recovering from all the holiday debauchery---that is, if you define "debauchery" as two weeks of endless back-to-back viewings of the Queen Latifah-thinks-she's-dying-and-goes-skiing movie Last Holiday, the Antonio Banderas-keeps-far-away-from-wife-Melanie Griffith-by-teaching-ballroom-dancing-to-inner-city-youth-including-Ya Ya-from-"America's Next Top Model" movie Take The Lead, not to mention 500 airings of Elf, all while trying to keep warm without the benefit of a Snuggie or even a Slanket--and what better way to clear out the old 2008 cobwebs than with a bracing cold bucket of Rock of Love 3: Love Bus?
In case you missed last night's premiere, Bret Michaels promised that this is the final installment of the series, which I believe about as much as I believe his sideburns are real. The gimmick this time around is that the skanktestants are going to follow Bret around on his North American Tour of Sadness. Huzzah!
We meet the girls, who must divide themselves into the Pink Bus (blonde hoochies!) and the Blue Bus (brunette sadsacks!) and I must say that if I thought they scraped the bottom of the grotesque barrel the first two seasons, I was greatly underestimating the slimy, moss-covered depths of that barrel.
Standouts include Constandina, who likes to belly dance, is from the foothills of Appalachia, wears a jewel on her "third eye," and wonders if Bret has "ever been touched by the goddess"; nutty, needy Brittaney (AKA Jasmineva on the VH1 website), whom Bret recognizes from her days as a porn star; and "sexy tomboy" Beverly, who gets into a cup-throwing fight after she is mocked for wearing sensible boots and not clear lucite 8-inch platform shoes.
The grossest and thus awesomest of the lot is Nikki, AKA DJ Lady Tribe, who in terms of classiness makes Daisy De La Hoya look like Dame Judi Dench. Nikki has the pneumatic fake boobs and lips that recall a latter-day Amanda Lepore, except less professional, less realistically female, and more on drugs. She insists that "all the drugs" she's on are "legal," which I doubt is true, at least in the western hemisphere. Seriously, she could not stand up for most of the episode, and was teetering around so much on her stripper heels during the elimination that I feared she might topple over and start a Rube Goldberg-esque chain reaction, with fake boobs and fake lips and fake hair exploding everywhere.
Nikki, we hardly knew ye.
Early in the episode, Nikki, being multi-faceted, peforms a rap for Bret and reads her mad lyrical stylings from the back of STD information sheets, like "Gonnorhea and You" and "GENITAL HERPES," much to Bret's horror and the world's delight:
Later she took part in a tableau that was apparently too shocking to be aired on VH1, but which involved par-tay girl supreme Gia as she was lying pantiless with her knees up on the bar in some sad Louisville club for the sad after-party following Bret's sad show. Nikki inserts a shot glass into Gia's exposed cooch, as one might, and then I'm pretty sure that Nikki drinks from the shot glass. Especially since Gia's nickname henceforth is "Vagina Shot." Even Bret seems appalled, albeit in a bemused way. Forget the moon landing, forget the last episode of "M.A.S.H.", forget Checkers, forget the L.B.J. daisy ad, forget "Who shot J.R.?"--this was the greatest moment in the history of television.
Gia, upright. For now.
The big drama this episode was between Marcia, the Brazillian bimbopalooza and only brunette on the "Blondetourage" pink bus, and Ashley, Mistress of the Odd Eye Make-Up, who simply take an instant dislike to each other and quickly end up throwing food and beverages on each other's heaving bosoms. Later, after Marcia downs several hundred tequila shots, barfs up her Dorito dinner, and makes out with Bret (who is not as repulsed by her vomit breath as he should be--I guess repetition breeds familiarity), she gets into another fight with Ashley and it ends with Marcia "choking out" Ashley. Marcia threatens to take her leave, but Bret soothes her troubled soul and then goes to a freaked-out Ashley and chills her right out. Bret is the skank whisperer.
Marcia, the Brazilian wax job.
Elimination! Bret conveys the "urgency" of this tour to the ladies (he sounds like he's talking about the bombing of Gaza rather than a reality dating show), which means he is going to eliminate 5 girls right away. He lists off 7 names, which one contestant correctly describes as "one hot mess after another," but in a twist, it's the 13 girls who aren't on the list who get to stay the bus and rock Bret's world. The 7 hot messes are on the chopping block, and Gia, Nikki, Marcia, and Ashley are all in danger!
Ashley, hitching her way to the black eye makeup counter.
In the end, he picks the brawlers (Marica, Ashley) over the hos (Gia, Nikki), and it is humankind's loss. I had high hopes for the escalating madness that Gia and Nikki would bring to the tour (the first 10 minutes alone were like the Fall of Saigon), but alas, we have been denied our just due by Bret Michaels and must console ourselves with the previews showing prostrate girls sobbing drunk in the middle of the road.
Yes, we can!