Monday, May 11, 2009

Daisy of Drugs?

(all images via VH1)

After watching last night's "Daisy of Love," and seeing the report that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion," I'm a bit worried. It is very disconcerting to see the host of a reality show in the midst of a crisis, but that seems to be wassa goin' on with Miss Daisy.

But before we get to that drama, let's review the myriad other dramas from this episode, shall we?

First up, the challenge is one of those patented VH1 dating show obstacle courses. This time, the guys have to carry an effigy of Daisy (ie, a mannequin in a blonde wig) in a relay race through a paint gun course while paint gun sharpshooters spray them with paint balls. The team with the most-intact Daisy doll wins a dream group date with Daisy, natch.

The dudes pick teams and Brooklyn is chosen last to the Beige Team because he has a girlfriend and thus is NOT THERE FOR DAISY and is ostracized by the other twelve-year-olds at Little League.

Sinister, team captain of the Black Team (they all wear jumpsuits representing their team colors), is determined to win some alone time with Daisy, so he takes a ton of hits to his body (and they all remark on the pain the paint pellets produce) and protects the Daisy mannequin the best. His team wins!

Brooklyn takes this opportunity to announce that his heart is not in this and tenders his resignation. Daisy is super-upset, because she had specifically asked him about the status of his relationship with his ex/not-ex girlfriend at the last elimination and he had lied that he wanted to be there and it was over with his ex, blah blah blah. Which means: Maybe Weasel could've made it another week! Damn Brooklyn straight to hell!

They head back to Tool Manor to get ready for a night on the town. The dudes spend a great deal of time on their toilette: Make-up, hair gel, nail polish, the works! It is hilariousness itself.

They go to some Hollywood douchebaggery to get dizrunk and par-tay, bro. It is a grim scene. Poor Sinister, who as the leader of the winning team is supposed to get some special one-on-time with Daisy, sits glumly in an empty VIP area alone while Daisy forgets him entirely and flirts with everyone else. She makes out with pretty much everyone in the place and it is fairly gross in a hepatitis-outbreak kind of way. (Although she could make out with 50 guys 10 minutes and it would still be leaps and bounds less disgusting than the tamest Bret Michaels make out.)

At one point Daisy gets all in a snit because Fox is ignoring her:

Tool Box seems only to care about shrieking "BROMANCE" at all the other guys and rubbing up against their upper thighs.

Later, at Les Halles Des Douches, Tool Box reveals that he's not "feeling" Daisy at all, because he's too busy feeling the pants of his fellows.

The next day, the romantic dream date turns out to be mutual body painting by the pool (!). Daisy drops her black satin robe to reveal a bikini and a surprisingly tattoo-free midsection.

The guys--12 Pack, Sinister, London, and Chi Chi-- are agog at her splendor! They all make out with Daisy after some half-hearted body painting, but Chi Chi doesn't even bother with the paints and practically attacks Daisy, to the point that even she is a tad freaked out by his aggressiveness.

In the mean time, Cable Guy, who has been warned by Riki Rachtman that he needs to interact more with Daisy if he wants to stay in the competition, is having an existential crisis. Like so many reality dating show contestants before him, he feels that being aggressive is just not what he is all about. Also, he's pretty sure three weeks on a VH1 tv show is not going to result in true love. Does he betray his very soul by being more forceful with/pretending to fall madly, deeply in love with a stranger or does he stay true to himself and continue to lay low? When the bodypainters return to the house, he awkwardly takes the bull by the horns and forces Daisy into some alone time, in which he tells her all about his conflicting emotions. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then Tool Box gets his own alone time with Daisy, and he uses this opportunity for personal interaction and growth to peform a lap dance and shove his upside down crotch in Daisy's face. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then she makes out with Flex. I never thought it would be possible, but there is seemingly 10 times the number of make out sessions on "Daisy of Love" than the first three seasons of "Rock of Love" combined.

Elimination time! This is where it gets weird. Because Daisy is clearly on something, big time. Either drugs or booze or both, I don't know, but she is out of it. It is really sad to watch. Why must these shows insist on bringing me down? WHY? Sigh!

She can barely talk in complete sentences, and it's not like she was the most articulate person to begin with. Her eyes are unfocused and she rushes through the elimination really quickly. It gets down to Cable Guy and Tool Box, and of course Tool Box gets to stay because even though Tool Box is a complete and total Tool, the only crime Daisy cannot forgive is dullness, and Cable Guy is pretty dull.

Cable Guy, we shall miss your soothing calmness, semi-normal demeanor, and hideous uni-dreadlocked beard.

Flex, who was a witness to Tool Box's "I'm not into Daisy" drunken escapade, pipes up and tells Daisy what happened. Daisy gets all flustered and freaked out and demands to know if Tool Box is there for her or not and he hems and haws and she sends him home and then goes off in a huff.

Riki, in the tone of voice usually reserved for UN Security Council emergency meetings, lectures the remaining dudes that it is not cool to hurt Daisy! For real! He means it! He actually says "THIS IS NOT A GAME." Except, of course, it is a game. So, whatever.

In her room, alone and sad, Daisy cries, before passing out in heap of blonde hair and sillicone.

Dear god, it's only the third episode and this show has already ceased to be fun and is steadily creeping into the sadness, ennui, and despair that ruined "Rock of Love"! I'm not happy, people.

On the plus side, I think Big Rig may need his own show. He is a genius.