Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Smelling Like A Daisy

(all images via VH1)

Ugh. My fears of a less-than-festive season of "Daisy of Love" are coming all too true! In fact, this show may just be even more down in the dumps than "Rock of Love Bus." And it started off so promisingly inane and retarded! Boooo. Hiss. Someone at VH1 needs to step in and take control of this train wreck!

The problem is Daisy herself. Besides being drugged out/drunk/whatnot she seems to actually believe that she will find true love amongst these reality dating show douches. She gets genuinely upset when these ersatz beaus act like imbecilic soulless jerks. It is both infinitely sad and infuriating. This is supposed to be FUN, people! Whassa goin on' ?
Where o where have the good times gone?

Let's just get this over with. I'm going to keep it short because it is all so depressing.

It begins well, with a "rock band" challenge that is sure to result in public humiliation and horror, and boy does it ever. Three teams are created, and right off the bat, Chi Chi's chi chi gets all bent out of shape because his best 'bro and room mate, the truly hideous-looking Sinister, doesn't pick him for his fake band on this fake show. The "twist" of the challenge is that each band has to make a rock song out of a nursery rhyme, like "Old McDonald Had a Farm." I don't really know why this was necessary, except to make the contestants look even more ridiculous than they already do. Mission accomplished!

The bands are named clever things like "Daisy Chain" and "Daisy Blades" (?).

Daisy is totes in love already with London, so even though his band sucks balls, they win. Sinister, who had the best band out of the three (which is like coming in first in an a-hole race), is fit to be tied. This aggression will not stand!

At numerous points during the rest of this episode, Daisy and London either make out or fight about nothing. Back and forth, back and forth--it makes no sense whatsoever. The winning band gets three brand-new Gibson guitars for free as part of their prize, and clearly the guitar means way more to London than Daisy ever could.

But she may be in looooove! Tears abound. Way too many tears ABOUND. Daisy is bereft! She manages to rationalize London's schizo behavior with the old "we must be love because we keep fighting" excuse that has kept the Daisys of the world in miserable relationships since the Dawn of Marilyn Manwich.

So London leaves the show of his own volition and Daisy goes to her pink grotto to sob. Three contestants in a row have left without Daisy asking! It hurts her feelings! She is devastated with only Riki Rachtman to soothe her soul!

Thanks a lot, VH1. Boo! Hiss!

Bret Michaels even in the black depths of his Road Ennui was at least marginally entertaining. And a professional. Professional what, I'm not sure, but compared to Daisy, Bret is the Barack Obama of reality dating. (And by the way, watching Daisy's interviews has given me a new appreciation of the genius that was Bret. I think now that he probably did not get lines fed to him, as I used to suspect; now it seems that he was actually pretty clever/funny on his own. Because if what Daisy is saying on this show was created by a professional writer then said writer should immediately commit hari kari.)


Monday, May 11, 2009

Daisy of Drugs?

(all images via VH1)

After watching last night's "Daisy of Love," and seeing the report that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion," I'm a bit worried. It is very disconcerting to see the host of a reality show in the midst of a crisis, but that seems to be wassa goin' on with Miss Daisy.

But before we get to that drama, let's review the myriad other dramas from this episode, shall we?

First up, the challenge is one of those patented VH1 dating show obstacle courses. This time, the guys have to carry an effigy of Daisy (ie, a mannequin in a blonde wig) in a relay race through a paint gun course while paint gun sharpshooters spray them with paint balls. The team with the most-intact Daisy doll wins a dream group date with Daisy, natch.

The dudes pick teams and Brooklyn is chosen last to the Beige Team because he has a girlfriend and thus is NOT THERE FOR DAISY and is ostracized by the other twelve-year-olds at Little League.

Sinister, team captain of the Black Team (they all wear jumpsuits representing their team colors), is determined to win some alone time with Daisy, so he takes a ton of hits to his body (and they all remark on the pain the paint pellets produce) and protects the Daisy mannequin the best. His team wins!

Brooklyn takes this opportunity to announce that his heart is not in this and tenders his resignation. Daisy is super-upset, because she had specifically asked him about the status of his relationship with his ex/not-ex girlfriend at the last elimination and he had lied that he wanted to be there and it was over with his ex, blah blah blah. Which means: Maybe Weasel could've made it another week! Damn Brooklyn straight to hell!

They head back to Tool Manor to get ready for a night on the town. The dudes spend a great deal of time on their toilette: Make-up, hair gel, nail polish, the works! It is hilariousness itself.

They go to some Hollywood douchebaggery to get dizrunk and par-tay, bro. It is a grim scene. Poor Sinister, who as the leader of the winning team is supposed to get some special one-on-time with Daisy, sits glumly in an empty VIP area alone while Daisy forgets him entirely and flirts with everyone else. She makes out with pretty much everyone in the place and it is fairly gross in a hepatitis-outbreak kind of way. (Although she could make out with 50 guys 10 minutes and it would still be leaps and bounds less disgusting than the tamest Bret Michaels make out.)

At one point Daisy gets all in a snit because Fox is ignoring her:

Tool Box seems only to care about shrieking "BROMANCE" at all the other guys and rubbing up against their upper thighs.

Later, at Les Halles Des Douches, Tool Box reveals that he's not "feeling" Daisy at all, because he's too busy feeling the pants of his fellows.

The next day, the romantic dream date turns out to be mutual body painting by the pool (!). Daisy drops her black satin robe to reveal a bikini and a surprisingly tattoo-free midsection.

The guys--12 Pack, Sinister, London, and Chi Chi-- are agog at her splendor! They all make out with Daisy after some half-hearted body painting, but Chi Chi doesn't even bother with the paints and practically attacks Daisy, to the point that even she is a tad freaked out by his aggressiveness.

In the mean time, Cable Guy, who has been warned by Riki Rachtman that he needs to interact more with Daisy if he wants to stay in the competition, is having an existential crisis. Like so many reality dating show contestants before him, he feels that being aggressive is just not what he is all about. Also, he's pretty sure three weeks on a VH1 tv show is not going to result in true love. Does he betray his very soul by being more forceful with/pretending to fall madly, deeply in love with a stranger or does he stay true to himself and continue to lay low? When the bodypainters return to the house, he awkwardly takes the bull by the horns and forces Daisy into some alone time, in which he tells her all about his conflicting emotions. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then Tool Box gets his own alone time with Daisy, and he uses this opportunity for personal interaction and growth to peform a lap dance and shove his upside down crotch in Daisy's face. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then she makes out with Flex. I never thought it would be possible, but there is seemingly 10 times the number of make out sessions on "Daisy of Love" than the first three seasons of "Rock of Love" combined.

Elimination time! This is where it gets weird. Because Daisy is clearly on something, big time. Either drugs or booze or both, I don't know, but she is out of it. It is really sad to watch. Why must these shows insist on bringing me down? WHY? Sigh!

She can barely talk in complete sentences, and it's not like she was the most articulate person to begin with. Her eyes are unfocused and she rushes through the elimination really quickly. It gets down to Cable Guy and Tool Box, and of course Tool Box gets to stay because even though Tool Box is a complete and total Tool, the only crime Daisy cannot forgive is dullness, and Cable Guy is pretty dull.

Cable Guy, we shall miss your soothing calmness, semi-normal demeanor, and hideous uni-dreadlocked beard.

Flex, who was a witness to Tool Box's "I'm not into Daisy" drunken escapade, pipes up and tells Daisy what happened. Daisy gets all flustered and freaked out and demands to know if Tool Box is there for her or not and he hems and haws and she sends him home and then goes off in a huff.

Riki, in the tone of voice usually reserved for UN Security Council emergency meetings, lectures the remaining dudes that it is not cool to hurt Daisy! For real! He means it! He actually says "THIS IS NOT A GAME." Except, of course, it is a game. So, whatever.

In her room, alone and sad, Daisy cries, before passing out in heap of blonde hair and sillicone.

Dear god, it's only the third episode and this show has already ceased to be fun and is steadily creeping into the sadness, ennui, and despair that ruined "Rock of Love"! I'm not happy, people.

On the plus side, I think Big Rig may need his own show. He is a genius.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Oh, No!

TMZ is reporting that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital early this morning due to a "possible overdose" after a night of clubbing.

How is this going to affect my tv viewing?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

"Nast" Is Putting It Lightly

I haven't spent too much time wondering about the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" affair allegations--he was photographed sneaking out of a night club with another woman while not wearing his wedding band--until now.

That's because of this awesome quote from brother of the 23-year-old school teacher who has allegedly been having a three month affair with Jon Gosselin. The brother, Jason Hummel, who lives with his younger sister, told Us Weekly:
A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.
I think I love Jason Hummel, whoever he is!

He also tries to defend his sister by saying:

She's a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn't healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.

Gee, that really doesn't clear the air at all, dude. But nice try! I like that the guy who is on a long-running reality show about his life with his wife and 8 kids simply must have been a "bad liar" to his mistress about his marital status. (Although of course he could've been all, "The show is a sham, we are living separate lives, blah blah blah." Still. The name of the show kind of says it all. )

Boy, I bet this girl is pissed at her brother for going to the tabloids in the name of trying to help her. Maybe they and Jon should have their own reality show--"Jon & Deanna Plus Jason Minus Kate & 8" and we would see lots of shots of Jason rolling his eyes and putting a pillow over his head as he tries to sleep through all the ick and nast going on in the next room. Must-see tv!

I've always found that Jon guy weird, and also his wife; the entire show pretty much gives me the heebee-jeebies and I rarely watch it. But now maybe I will?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

When Show and Tell Goes Wrong

(all images via VH1)

Well, after the gangbustin' premiere, "Daisy of Love" was bound to drop off a bit in excitement. I just hope that the elimination of The Sunset Striplets was not the death knell for fun and good times on this show!

The challenge this week is for each contestant to make some sort of "show and tell" presentation to Daisy (who appears to be wearing leg warmers on top of leg warmers on top of go-go boots) about why he is the guy for her. I think. It was kind of unclear, especially when muscle-bound mook Flex grabbed a blow-up male sex doll and sprayed red paint all over it so it looked like a muderered sex doll and said that it "represented" him. Okaaaaaaaay, dude. Calm down.

The winner(s) get a romantic group dream date with Daisy!

Weasel redeems himself (after passing out drunk last week) in this challenge by presenting Daisy with a gift of a daisy necklace and then showing some photos of him doing crazy BMX stunts and then lying in a hospital bed with a crazy broken back after a BMX accident. Daisy seems touched by the necklace and likes seeing Weasel acting un-Weasely.

Fox, previously way up there on Daisy's love-o-meter, plunges into the abyss after bringing up some sort of sex toy that we are never able to see, due to VH1's coy toy cover-up. But whatever it is, Daisy is pretty insulted/grossed-out by it, and we are too, on her behalf. Poor taste, sir, is not the way to win Daisy's heart. Now, good day. I said good day!

Professor tries to do a classroom-themed "lesson of love" presentation, but only confuses Daisy.

, of the bad eyeliner and man-thongs, is another Daisy fave despite having passed out in the hallway on the last episode. He attempts to write a song for her but is thwarted by being "too hungover." Seriously, that's his presentation. At least he's honest!

Nutty ole Flex brings up his sex doll (now emblazoned with a red spray-painted heart) and tells Daisy "this is me." To which Daisy and the universe replies, "Huh?"

12 Pack must have been a drama nerd at some point in his life, because he brings up a bunch of dead roses and throws them in the trash and announces, "THIS IS MY PAST." Then he tears out a page of his unicorn-emblazoned, tear-streaked diary and sets fire to it with a symbolic match of freedom. Then he smokes a clove cigarette, puts his long overcoat on, pumps his fist in the air defiantly and finally bursts into tears. What is going on with these guys?

Big Rig shows off a photo of his son; Cage brings up his ginormous cage-fighting championship belt; Brooklyn recites some terrible poetry; Cable Guy rather endearingly plays the saxophone; Sinister does a Michael Jackson/Corey Feldman-style dance number, for some unknown reason; Tool Box repeats the same tool-y male-stripper routine he did on the premiere (the big wow comes when he tears off his wife-beater undershirt--not!).

6 Gauge does a bar tending demonstration and makes a signature cocktail for Daisy, which goes over very well with milady.

Chi Chi reads a depressing and heartfelt letter about his feelings following the death of his father, which brings many tears to many douches' eyes and they give him a standing ovation and Daisy is touched, too, and now Chi Chi the tiny darkhorse contender is totally in like Flynn! Perhaps.

Finally, nutty nutball Flipper gets up and does a "rap" about the shortcomings of the other contestants, but all he does is make a fool out of himself, for it is the WORST RAP EVER WRITTEN. Seriously. Ali Lohan could definitely write a better ap. Dick Cheney could write a better rap. Chi Chi's dead dad could write a better rap. It was that bad.

Fox, Chi Chi, Weasel, 6 Gauge, Flex and London are asked to stay and the rest are sent off to reflect quietly about what they've just seen and done, then head into a Beyond Thunderdome-type arena to shout and scream at the next spectacle. The six who remain represent the highest and lowest scores: Fox, 6 Gauge, and London are the bottoms (heh) and Chi Chi, Weasel (go Weasel!), and Flex are the tops.

But there's a twist! The bottoms are given one more chance to redeem themselves and win a date with Daisy. Three middle-aged women dressed up to look like old ladies are brought into the Thunderdome and seated in chairs facing the audience of douches. Fox, 6 Gauge and London must perform lap-dances! On old ladies! Why, that goes against all the rules of nature. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

All three dudes seem to give it their all, but in the end, Daisy is still clearly enamored of London for some unfathomable reason, so he wins.

Later, the contestants gather outside on the lanais to drink and male bond with one another. Flipper thinks his rhymes would make Eminem weep with envy, when actually they just make everyone want to weep, period. He picks a fight with Cable Guy because he's the least likely one in the group to actually fight for no reason and it quickly escalates to Flipper smashing a bottle against his own head and blood pouring down his face. Then he flashes his backside at the group, then his frontside, and, since he's on roll, he proceeds to barge in on Daisy, who is alone in her room, thinking her thoughts and minding her own business. Flipper starts ranting about not wanting to compete against a bunch of morons (pot, kettle, etc.) to get her, and she tries to calm him down by saying that she, of all people, understands how hard it can be--and then he insults her, flips her off, and storms off the show. Although Flipper was probably our last hope for incredibly insane shenanigans, I must say it is a relief to see him go. It was exhausting just watching him be all craaaaazy all the time.

Flipper, we shall miss your backflips and manties and self-harming, but not much.

In his mad rush to get out of there, Flipper apparently forgets his hideous lime green shoes, so naturally Flex pees on them, as does Tool Box. Boys are weird.

Back in Douche Manor, Brooklyn's got problems. He drunkenly calls his girlfriend, who is peeved that he's, you know, on a dating show. She yells that if he makes out with anyone "it's over!" Just before he hangs up, Brooklyn tries to be all, "we're single, right?" but now she's got his phone number and every few minutes, all night long, she calls the house and screams at whoever answers the phone: "CHRIS [aka Brooklyn] HAS A GIRLFRIEND!"

The group dream date is surfing followed by lunch on the beach. Immediately Weasel starts complaining about the lack of proper refreshments; to wit: "Where's the Jack Daniels up in this bitch?" Oh, Weasel. Then when Daisy asks about his career prospects, he says a) his ex-wife supported him for 8 years, b) he used to be a "laser eye surgery" technician, but now c) just wants enough money to put "gas in his boat" and party all the time. Weasel, you're so blowing it, man.

Chi Chi uses his one-on-one time with Daisy to express his innermost yearnings; mainly, that he wants to hold in his arms a "petite" woman with "big boobs." Way to dream big, Chi Chi.

On the ride back, 6 Gauge rats out Brooklyn for the girlfriend phone call drama. Daisy makes a beeline to Brooklyn once they return to the Chateau des Tools, and Brooklyn tries to skirt the issue and Daisy's not too pleased. Then she decides to have some face time with the Professor because she feels she doesn't know much about him. While he yammers on about love and whatnot, she pretty much dozes off, which doesn't bode well for the Professor.

Elimination time! Chi Chi gets the first chain, which means he's getting ever closer to making his dream of hugging fake boobs a reality. Most everyone is safe, except for poor ole Weasel, Brooklyn, and Professor. Endearingly, Weasel tells the camera that he is so nervous his "balls are stuck" to his inner thighs. Unsurprisingly, his tour ends here.

Weasel, aka Pauly, we shall miss your extreme intoxication, rock-n-rolling ways, stuck balls, and old age.

It's down to Brooklyn, whose girlfriend who may or may not be stalking him, and Professor, who is dull. Professor, your tour ends here!

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Professor, aka Brandon, if we can remember what you look like, we shall miss your ersatz intellectualism, your bland "good looks," and your prop glasses.

Next week: Mayhem, madness, and manhandling, I'm pretty sure.