Monday, April 06, 2009
"Rock of Love Bus" Gets Funky, And Not In A Good Way
(all images via VH1)
I am sorry to report that once again, "Rock of Love Bus" has gone all sad on us. Instead of festive, fun, deranged skanks running amok, we have depressed, ennui-filled skanks running around in a blue funk. Boo! Hiss!
The first downer comes when the girls get to a Miami hotel and find, inexplicably, three Carnival/Mardi Gras/Vegas showgirl outfits laid out on their beds for them to put on:
What could possibly go wrong, you ask? Jamie and Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya are happy enough to put on the skimpy costumes, as apparently nothing turns on Bret Michaels more than Carnival (who knew?), but for some reason Mindy throws a hissy fit because she has to put on something she would "never wear in a million years." The editors flash back to her similar spiral of despair when asked to compose song lyrics. Does she not realize how much Bret hates pouting? Did she not study the lyrics of "Nothin' But A Good Time"?
They meet Bret on the rooftop of the hotel and, horrifyingly, he has brought along his guitar. When he tells Mindy he wants her to sing "with emotion" to his 1,000,000,000th rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," she morosely replies that it's hard to have emotion when you are wearing a "crazy costume," then flounces off to put on a sailor-esque skimpy outfit that apparently is more in her comfort zone. Bret is not amused! He calls out to her, “Put a damn bikini bottom on for Christsakes! You’re in Miami.” Classy!
Then, thankfully, Bret abandons the whole rooftop hootenanny idea and instead decides to stir things up by asking each girl who she hopes Bret will end up with if she can't have him for herself. Jamie says she hopes Mindy wins Bret's heart; Taya says Bret should end up with Mindy, too, as she basically has nothing going on in her life; and Mindy says she hopes Bret chooses Jamie over Taya because Jamie is "fun." So no one picks Taya, in other words. Bret then makes out in a disgusting manner with Jamie and Taya, while Mindy wanders off to sulk. Then Mindy, perhaps smartening up a bit, realizes she "forgot" her sailor hat and goes back to a) obsess about Taya some more, and b) make out with Bret in a disgusting manner .
While this is going on, Jamie and Taya are kind of lurking in the wings, and Taya gets all kinds of bent out of shape because Mindy is making out with Bret in a disgusting manner. Jamie shields Taya fromt the terrible, terrible view, but secretly Jamie is loving how upset Taya is and she makes a funny face at the camera:
Then Taya gets in Jamie's biz-naz about throwing her under the bus when Bret asked who should win, and Jamie says that she said Mindy because she knew she had a better chance of beating Mindy if it came down to them in the final two. Taya acts like she has just discovered the Pentagon Papers of "Rock of Love Bus." She is outraged! That Jamie is "playing a game"! On a tv reality dating contest!
The next day, the "ladies" are told that Taya and and Jamie will be whisked off on a romantic dream date with Bret, and Mindy will not. While Mindy suns herself and her foul mood, Taya, Jamie, and Bret hop in a helicopter to tour Miami from the sky, and then are flown to a gazebo in the middle of a field, where they will lunch. Taya immediately tattles on Jamie for the whole using-strategy-to-win-a-contest thing, and somehow Bret uses this to ask Taya if she's being real with him or if she is a people-pleaser who doesn't reveal her true self. Or something.
The following day, Bret announces that Mindy and Jamie are going on a romantic dream date with him: An air-boat ride through an alligator swamp. Huzzah! Bret uses the opportunity to make out with each girl in a disgusting manner. This time it was extra disgusting because he makes out with one, then turns his head and makes out with the other. It just seems unsanitary. Also, they're in a swamp.
They have a picnic in yet another field. Bret asks Jamie what she's looking for in a relationship, and like an idiot, she is honest and up front about her true feelings. She says she is not ready to get married and just wants to date. Oh, boy. Bret no likey.
Then Bret asks the girls about Taya, even though previously he had stated he was sick of all the conversations being about Taya. Mindy says she thinks Taya's various and sundry "Bret's Girl" t-shirts smack of gamesmanship; awesomely, while Mindy is still talking, Bret turns to Jamie to get her opinion. She says that there is no way that Taya is 29, that she is fake, and that she is still a stripper. And the whole time she is saying this, Mindy is still yapping away in the background.
Back at the hotel, the girls settle in on the terrace for a prolonged bitch-fest. Jamie asks Taya for the 1,000th time is she is a stripper, and Taya is all, "I'm not a stripper, I'm a featured dancer." Friend of Felt Up and strip club expert Tanya B. points out that there actually is a distinction--mainly that "featured dancers" don't do lap dances--but it's probably not best to get on your high horse about stripping when you do, in fact, take off your clothes in public.
Bret arrives in the midst of all this angst to take them all on a romantic dream date. They are ushered into a spectacularly great example of Miami Rococo restaurant decor, where they all settle into a pouty, uncomfortable silence. Bret is not pleased. Every time he tries to start a conversation, there is only the sound of crickets and his horrible hair braids clacking against his skull.
Bret puts the dinner out of its misery and takes the girls out to the patio for some cocktails and interrogation. He tells them if that if they ever has to go through another date like that again, he'll send all three of them home, and that dramatic statement helps snap them out of their collective funk. He asks Mindy what her problem was, and she's all, "I was having a wonderful time!" and then he asks Jamie and she's all, "I was having a wonderful time!" Then he turns to Taya, and wants to know if she's only there because "Rock of Love Bus" is the "number one show on VH1," and she says that her bosses at Penthouse are not very psyched that she's on the show because she's "missing deadlines" for her Pet of the Year photo shoot blah blah blah. I don't know if I buy that the editors are "upset" that their cover girl is on national tv constantly promoting their magazine.
Afterwards, Bret takes Jamie aside so they can have some more alone time, and once again he grills her on what she's looking for romantically, and she is once again stupidly honest and says she doesn't want to get married any time soon, seeing as how she's about 14 years old.
While this is going on, Taya and Mindy are on the patio having yet another sob sister sesh, with Mindy accusing Taya of bottling up her insecurities and Taya denying that she, as a 29 year old mother and Penthouse Pet of the Year and featured dancer, has any insecurities whatsoever. There are tears and more accusations. Bret comes out with a guitar but when he hears wassa goin' on, he quite wisely turns around and leaves.
Bret debates their personality pluses and minuses: Jamie is cool and whatnot, but she isn't looking for a serious relationship; Taya is cool and whatnot, but he can't "wrap his gut" around whether or not she is there for the right reasons; and Mindy is cool and whatnot, but he doesn't like her mood swings and funks. He calls Mindy down for the first pass, and Taya is fit to be tied. Then he calls Jamie down, but does the ole fake out: Jamie's tour ends here, because Bret may finally be ready to settle down and she may not.
Jamie, although we barely knew ye, we will miss your (comparative) normalcy, predilection for gold headbands, and the odd moles that look like flecks of mud on your pale, pale face. Fare thee well!
So we are down to Mindy and Taya. Next week is the finale! I predict backstabbing, tears, and lots and lots of disgusting make out sessions. Also, the previews imply that Bret will propose marriage--or the Costa Rican equivalent--to one of the lucky finalists!