Saturday, April 18, 2009

Rock of Love Bus: The End of the Long and Boring Road

(all images and videos via VH1)

Ugh. What a blah finale for "Rock of Love Bus." Sorry it's so late, my readers (both of you!), but I missed the original airing and it took a while to catch up. But now that I've seen it, I have to say: LAME! LACKLUSTER! LIGHTWEIGHT! Unfortunately, this was a fitting ending to a particularly dull season.

It starts with the two finalists--Mindy, the "girl next door" as Bret Michaels calls her (if the girl next door is a sloot with a hick accent, which, depending on where you live, is entirely possible), and Taya, Penthouse Pet of the Year and all-around dud--getting ready in the bathroom of their Miami hotel room. Mindy complains that she can't get her hair to look good, while Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya always has "perfect" hair. They get into a minor tiff and then head off to a meal with Bret. Although Mindy is the one with the well-deserved reputation for going into funks, Taya is no slouch when it comes to pouting and being pissy and in a foul mood. Bret tells them that if they are going to fight, they at least need to rub butter on their breasts when they do it, and hands Taya a pat of butter. Taya says she is more of a cream cheese girl. This is the high point of the episode.

Bret then informs the girls that their romantic dream getaway is going to be--and here he uses a lot of air quotes for some reason--on a "private plane" whisking them all to the "Dominican Republic." The air quotes make it seem like he thinks neither the plane nor the country actually exist. He wants the ladies to bring a lot of bikinis. Of course.

They get on the plane and Bret immediately notices that the two contestants are not wearing bikinis, but by the time they exit the plane in the Dominican Republic, they have changed into bikini tops. This is clearly of paramount importance to Bret Michaels.

The threesome check into their swanky resort, La Puta de Sloota. Mindy finds out that she is going on her date with Bret that very night! Taya falls into a blue funk. Mindy finds a pink dress that Bret picked out for her to wear on their date, and Mindy says no one has ever bought her clothing for a date before. Mindy writes down all the things she wants to say to Bret because she is afraid she will forget otherwise. She puts on the dress and it's fun/sad to see Bret's taste level for these things. Apparently he's into the dres Molly Ringwald wore to the dance in Sixteen Candles.

They eat dinner and there are cricket sounds because Mindy can't get words to come out of her mouth. Her trusty notebook is inside her purse, which is right there on the table, and yet she doesn't use it. Bret is nonplussed. He compares her (unfavorably!) to Brittanya's many moments of mute dumbness on previous episodes. Things are going down the tubes for Mindy!

They go take a private tango lesson and Bret crows about being a "rock star" who can do the tango. He does do a pretty good job, I have to say.

Then they head to the beach and sit on the sand and Mindy finally breaks out the notebook and tells Bret her "true feelings," which are that she wants to be with Bret and they seem to have the vaunted connection that Bret is constantly yammering about, and they make out in a disgusting manner and they go back to Bret's suite and do it.

In the mean time, Taya tries to take a bath in the Jacuzzi tub and it goes horribly awry and she almost falls in with her clothes on. Comic relief from The Penthouse Pet of the Year!

When Taya realizes Mindy spent the night with Bret, her black funk turns into the La Brea Tar Pits of despair. Mindy is sure she has this whole thing in the bag.

Taya's date is to go zip-lining through the jungle with Bret. She is none too thrilled and sort of whines about it, at least to the camera. Sadly, the zip-lines don't break under the pressure of carrying The Penthouse Pet of the Year and she lands safely at the other end.

They have their romantic dinner and Bret asks her for the one millionth time if she is there for the "right reasons" or simply to promote her brand (Penthouse, herself). He says 99% of his heart believes her and 1% is suspicious. She denies being there for any other reason than to fall madly, deeply in love with a has-been aging rocker in a wig.

They make out in a disgusting manner and then she goes back with him to his suite, where they make out some more, but in a bold move she declines to do it with him and goes back to her and Mindy's room. Bret tells the camera that he totally respects every lady he's ever "fooled around with," but he has to admit that because Taya denied him access to her sacred, highly photographed nether regions, he can't stop thinking about her. Does that ole trick really work? We will find out soon enough, if we don't fall asleep first, that is.

The two girls get spa treatments the next day, and when each one returns to their room, there are two people from a jewelry store waiting for them. They each pick out what they assume is an engagement ring and are both peeing their pants with excitement.

Elimination time. Yawn! They are on the beach at night. Mindy is bedecked in a gold disco-y dress, while Taya is sheathed in a dark red stripper gown. Although Mindy is the one with the downer reputation, it is Taya who cannot muster even the faintest smile. She is dour, she is down, she is a dud, she's on the verge of tears. Bleh! Mindy, although never my favorite, at least until the last moment is smiling wildly and looks fun and up and festive in her gold lame'.

Bret brings out a ring box. He says he has a ring for only one girl, as they do not live on a compound in Utah. (Wouldn't it be awesome if he we had a polygamist dating show?)

He calls down Mindy. He tells her she is beautiful, awesome, and he loves everything about her--almost. He blabbers on about their connection separating when they are around other people. Taya can't hear anything because of the howling wind and surf. She thinks she has lost. But no, it's the ole fake out. Mindy's tour ends here, and boy is she pissed. She interviews that Bret didn't want to look like a shallow jerk who "made a beeline for the Penthouse Pet," which may be pretty accurate. Let's watch how it went down:

So Taya is the winner. Tears, tears, hugs, etc. Hilariously, he doesn't actually give her the ring but says he will hold onto it until reality sets in and he can tastefully send it back.

This week: REUNION SHOW. Here's a sneak peek. It seems that Mindy got over her anger about not being picked after doing it with Bret twice, and wishes she'd told Bret she was in love with him. However, maybe when she gets a good gander at Bret's horrendous facial hair, she will realize she dodged a particularly gnarly bullet:

I hope to God the reunion is more fun and interesting than the finale. I also wonder if they will EVER address the fact that two people were killed by one of Bret's drivers during filming?

Also, check out the preview for Daisy of Love. Although Daisy is a hideous troll and I couldn't care less if she finds true love on tv or not, the dudes look awesome. Like "Tool Academy" mixed with the poorest poor man's Pete Wentz wannabes:


Rebekah said...

Thank you for posting this, there is no Rock of Love in Egypt!

I just watched the Daisy of Love video & my mind is a little bit blown. Best show ever or sign of the apocalypse?

Anonymous said...

Did you notice that after Bret offered the girls butter (when there were three), that he took a pat himself and bit into it? Is that how they butter their bread in Pennsylvania? And how many times can an over 40 year old man utter the word "awesome"?
Daisy is grotesque, and all the guys they've paired her with are worse. Serves her right. I wonder how often the stupidity will make her eyes cross, and how many times when she's showing "sad emotions" she'll stand there looking like she's been smacked in the face with a plank. I'm afraid to watch, in the horror that somehow it will encourage them to continue giving this idiot fame.
I like my skanks smarter, thank you.

karly / design crisis said...

I didn't watch this when it originally aired either. It's a sad sad day when I'm not biting my nails, counting down the minutes until the finale of rock of love. This season started out so well, but god it got boring. Thanks for suffering through the recaps for us, they were much better than the show

Benji said...

This comment is 'late' (if a late opinion on the internet exists) but now they I Love Money 4 is airing I got nostalgic..

I remember watching Rock of Love Bus
those last couple of episodes were an absolute bore and chore to watch.