Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Daisy Like A Fox
(all images via VH1)
Wow. WOW. After this season's lackluster "Rock of Love Bus" was finally put out of its misery, those geniuses at VH1 have come bounding back in a big way with "Daisy of Love," which may restore my faith--if not in humanity, at least in reality tv programming, and I'm still reeling!
The show begins with some loving shots of Daisy De La Hoya's hilariously fake Hollywood lair (if she really lives there, then my name is Uncle Oscar De La Hoya), where the extremely dominant color theme is black and hot pink, and then we are introduced to the 20 unbelievably spectacular contestants. There are Swedish triplets who live their lives as an homage to Hanoi Rocks:
There is professional bachelor 12 Pack from "I Love New York" and "I Love Money." There is an old sadsack rocker with long hair and a rumpled face. There are too many douchey douchebags with terrible hair and worse tattoos to even mention. They are all SUBLIME.
A limo pulls into the driveway and out pouts Riki Rachtman, the luckiest person in show business. (Seriously, how is he still around? Who is demanding for his return to the airwaves? Did he sell his soul to the Devil at the Crossroads?) He is a quasi co-host and chaperone for Miss Daisy and his dour demeanor is, I think, his way of pretending that this is SERIOUS BUSINESS. He acts like he's Henry Kissinger at the Paris Peace Accords.
The guys are naturally quite disappointed that it's Riki's odd mug before them and not Daisy's odd mug, but then they are herded into the house, where a stage has been set up in the foyer (complete with barricades to keep the guys from rioting when they first see Daisy) and a bunch of brunette dancers prance around Daisy while she lip-syncs to some terrible, terrible song and flounces with every ounce (both of them) of her talent.
The douches are agog! She is their dream woman! She is perfect in every way! Just what each and every one of them has been looking for their whole lives! "She's got it all--hot bod, blonde hair, big fake boobs, and covered in tattoos," one guy drools (I may be paraphrasing). The old sadsack informs us that he "pitched a tent" while watching Daisy's gyrations. TMI!
The guys are told to find their rooms, so they all wander off. There is a bunch of idiotic dude-bonding (two of the contestants are already roommates and best friends in real life, which for some reason makes them think they have an advantage over the others; I predict this will end in tears). The Swedish Hanoi Rocks triplets, aka The Sunset Striplets, make a beeline for the kitchen and start pigging out on raw hot dogs dipped in salsa (a Swedish delicacy, perhaps?). We also learn that they are in a band called...wait for it...Snake of Eden. Hey-oh!
There is booze in the sunken living room/pit of doom, so of course the guys gather there and commence to par-tay, bro.
A dude with a mohawk screeches out, "All we need is some bitches, yo!" to the horror--HORROR, I say!--of the others. I swear they are exactly like the female contestants--a couple of them were all, "He's not here for DAISY!" and couldn't wait to run and tell her. Clearly, the guy was not the brightest bulb, for he seemed to miss the point of the show. But I think he was just having a festive time and forgot himself for a second and reverted to his default party mode. It happens, man.
Daisy and Riki reappear to perform a nicknaming ceremony, a la Animal House. First up, a guy who does back flips in his man-thong underpants. His new name: Flipper.
Next, a guy with eyeliner and a mohawk to whom Daisy takes an immediate shine (boy, she has bad taste!) and calls London.
The Sunset Striplets get named '84, '85, and '86 because of their all '80s, all the time genius fashion sense.
A truly ridiculous guy (one of the roommates) with a really bad faux Trent Reznor circa 1992 look is named Sinister. He is not.
The poor old sadsack reminds Daisy of Bret Michaels! HA! She names him Weasel. I feel bad for him. They get into a Pauly Shore shtick that makes me sad.
A Canadian of indeterminate ethnic origin with flame-like hair gets nicknamed Torch.
A guy who looks like he stepped out of American Movie (or Singles or Strange Brew) is anointed Dropout because he dropped out of school. This nickname does not bode well for his chances with Daisy.
A normal-ish (in the realm of this show, that is) dude with muscles who teaches high school is called The Professor. Another muscly guy with a faux hawk shall be known as Flex because he flexes his muscles a lot (not to be confused with "Tool Academy"'s Matsuflex, who also flexed his muscles a lot...actually, there are so many similarities between the tools on "Tool Academy" and the tools on "Daisy of Love" that it gets a bit hard for me to keep them straight at times).
There's a wee dude who gets the unfortunate moniker Chi Chi. The "Where's the bitches at" guy is a male stripper by profession, so he does a terrible "sexy" dance for Daisy's benefit. Rather presciently, Daisy names him Tool Box. Who says she dumb?
A guy from Brooklyn is now called Brooklyn. A cable guy is now called Cable Guy, much to his chagrin. A large, hick-accented gentleman is now named Big Rig. A guy with a pierced johnson is called 6 Gauge, after the thickness of his piercing. He looks a lot like 12 Pack, and I know I'm going to get them mixed up!
A Dave Navarro-wannabe type walks up and Daisy practically starts to drool. Ye gads, woman! Pull it together! She bestows upon him the name Fox. It is a misnomer.
Yet another be-mohawked guy puts on the Sorting Hat. He has tattoos on his face and neck and is a bit rough-looking. It turns out that he is a cage fighter, so he is called Cage.
Finally the naming thing is over. Huzzah! There is a casual mixer out on the lanais, by the pool. Daisy tries to interact with all of the guys; the guys try to interact with the free booze. She walks around sipping champagne from a crazy straw, which I find kind of awesome. Daisy also heads straight for Fox and makes out with him. It is so refreshing watching someone other than Bret Michaels make out with Daisy! It was also much less disgusting. There is something horrible about the way Bret makes out. I shudder just thinking about it.
Sinister uses his face time with Daisy to rat out Tool Box for his "bitches" remark. Daisy is outraged! She is not a bitch! She is also missing the point! Daisy confronts Tool Box about his breach of reality dating show etiquette. He says that is just the way he talks, and I, for one, believe him. She says that she is calling the shots and she would never allow that kind of language. I fear Tool Box's communication skills may be quite hindered if the words "bitches" and "hos" are forcibly removed from his lexicon. He may become mute.
When Daisy tries to talk to Torch, he emits sounds like a dolphin. He calls it Swahili. I call it "made up sounds that will only serve to confuse Daisy, and us." Daisy asks if he's, like, "Swahilish." Oh, Daisy.
Flipper is not one to condone being out of the center of attention for more than 20 seconds, so he proceeds to climb a light stand and do a back flip into the pool, much to Daisy's horror. There is some banter between them about him getting Daisy all wet, but it is too gross for me to contemplate.
In the mean time, London has hit the bottle so hard that he a) pukes into the bathroom sink and then b) passes out on the floor. He also c) shares with Flipper a taste for man thongs. Seeing a kindred spirit, Flipper gives aid and comfort to London in his time of need. It's kind of sweet.
The Sunset Striplets inform Daisy that if she wants to date one of them, she has to date ALL of them. For some reason, this freaks Daisy out. I think she is rushing to judgment a bit quickly. At some point, they also tell Riki that they know they don't have much of a shot with winning the show and are really just there to drink and eat as much free stuff as they possibly can. I am beginning to love these Swedes!
12 Pack takes Daisy aside to assuage her fears that he is a reality show man whore. He must be convincing (and thus may deserve an Emmy Award nomination for his performance) because they make out.
Poor ole sadsack Weasel is drinking like a fish. He is so wasted that he can't even make the rock hand gesture correctly.
Everyone is gathered up for an announcement: Daisy is getting rid of three people immediately. And those three people have a Swedish accent and look a lot like Hanoi Rocks. The triplets are not too sad--they just start stuffing food down their skintight pants and make a dash for it. It's pretty adorable. Sunset Striplets, we shall miss your insane over-the-top ridiculousness!
Poor ole sadsack Weasel finally passes out, and in a stunning display of maturity and kindness, some of the guys write all over his face with a Sharpie. He doesn't even realize it when he comes to and has to go to the next elimination. Daisy can't believe he didn't look in a mirror before elimination, but if I was Weasel I probably wouldn't look in the mirror too often, either.
The guys who get to stay receive a chain with a star on it and are asked if they will stay in the house and be Daisy's "Rock Star." Fox, of course, gets the first chain. It gets down to Weasel, Torch, and Dropout. Weasel admits that he's a "complete train wreck," and apparently this honest self-appraisal wins him a reprieve, because he gets a chain! I'm relieved, for some reason. I am glad there is at least one drunken aging rocker on the show!
I'm pretty sure what happened was this: Daisy was way into London, and he passed out drunk. She couldn't kick off Weasel for passing out and then keep London, so Weasel got a free pass. His days are numbered, though.
Dropout and Torch are released back into the wild. Dropout was too much like "a cartoon character" to Daisy, who is rather an expert on looking like a cartoon character, and Torch is too Canadian. Dropout, we shall miss your humble knit cap and long, lank hair. Torch, we shall miss your clicking, clacking, ersatz African pretend language and extreme oddness.
15 dudes remain! They are handed flasks to promote responsible drinking and toast Daisy. Oh, the insanity that we are going to get this season is almost too much to think about! It's going to be the the Tool Olympics, The Decathatlon of Douchebags, the Iron Man of Idiots.
As Bret would say, it is going to be insanely awesome!