Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Daisy Like A Fox


(all images via VH1)

Wow. WOW. After this season's lackluster "Rock of Love Bus" was finally put out of its misery, those geniuses at VH1 have come bounding back in a big way with "Daisy of Love," which may restore my faith--if not in humanity, at least in reality tv programming, and I'm still reeling!

The show begins with some loving shots of Daisy De La Hoya's hilariously fake Hollywood lair (if she really lives there, then my name is Uncle Oscar De La Hoya), where the extremely dominant color theme is black and hot pink, and then we are introduced to the 20 unbelievably spectacular contestants. There are Swedish triplets who live their lives as an homage to Hanoi Rocks:



There is professional bachelor 12 Pack from "I Love New York" and "I Love Money." There is an old sadsack rocker with long hair and a rumpled face. There are too many douchey douchebags with terrible hair and worse tattoos to even mention. They are all SUBLIME.

A limo pulls into the driveway and out pouts Riki Rachtman, the luckiest person in show business. (Seriously, how is he still around? Who is demanding for his return to the airwaves? Did he sell his soul to the Devil at the Crossroads?) He is a quasi co-host and chaperone for Miss Daisy and his dour demeanor is, I think, his way of pretending that this is SERIOUS BUSINESS. He acts like he's Henry Kissinger at the Paris Peace Accords.

The guys are naturally quite disappointed that it's Riki's odd mug before them and not Daisy's odd mug, but then they are herded into the house, where a stage has been set up in the foyer (complete with barricades to keep the guys from rioting when they first see Daisy) and a bunch of brunette dancers prance around Daisy while she lip-syncs to some terrible, terrible song and flounces with every ounce (both of them) of her talent.



The douches are agog! She is their dream woman! She is perfect in every way! Just what each and every one of them has been looking for their whole lives! "She's got it all--hot bod, blonde hair, big fake boobs, and covered in tattoos," one guy drools (I may be paraphrasing). The old sadsack informs us that he "pitched a tent" while watching Daisy's gyrations. TMI!

The guys are told to find their rooms, so they all wander off. There is a bunch of idiotic dude-bonding (two of the contestants are already roommates and best friends in real life, which for some reason makes them think they have an advantage over the others; I predict this will end in tears). The Swedish Hanoi Rocks triplets, aka The Sunset Striplets, make a beeline for the kitchen and start pigging out on raw hot dogs dipped in salsa (a Swedish delicacy, perhaps?). We also learn that they are in a band called...wait for it...Snake of Eden. Hey-oh!



There is booze in the sunken living room/pit of doom, so of course the guys gather there and commence to par-tay, bro.



A dude with a mohawk screeches out, "All we need is some bitches, yo!" to the horror--HORROR, I say!--of the others. I swear they are exactly like the female contestants--a couple of them were all, "He's not here for DAISY!" and couldn't wait to run and tell her. Clearly, the guy was not the brightest bulb, for he seemed to miss the point of the show. But I think he was just having a festive time and forgot himself for a second and reverted to his default party mode. It happens, man.


Bitches, yo!

Daisy and Riki reappear to perform a nicknaming ceremony, a la Animal House. First up, a guy who does back flips in his man-thong underpants. His new name: Flipper.


Flipper.

Next, a guy with eyeliner and a mohawk to whom Daisy takes an immediate shine (boy, she has bad taste!) and calls London.



The Sunset Striplets get named '84, '85, and '86 because of their all '80s, all the time genius fashion sense.

A truly ridiculous guy (one of the roommates) with a really bad faux Trent Reznor circa 1992 look is named Sinister. He is not.



The poor old sadsack reminds Daisy of Bret Michaels! HA! She names him Weasel. I feel bad for him. They get into a Pauly Shore shtick that makes me sad.



A Canadian of indeterminate ethnic origin with flame-like hair gets nicknamed Torch.



A guy who looks like he stepped out of American Movie (or Singles or Strange Brew) is anointed Dropout because he dropped out of school. This nickname does not bode well for his chances with Daisy.



A normal-ish (in the realm of this show, that is) dude with muscles who teaches high school is called The Professor. Another muscly guy with a faux hawk shall be known as Flex because he flexes his muscles a lot (not to be confused with "Tool Academy"'s Matsuflex, who also flexed his muscles a lot...actually, there are so many similarities between the tools on "Tool Academy" and the tools on "Daisy of Love" that it gets a bit hard for me to keep them straight at times).

There's a wee dude who gets the unfortunate moniker Chi Chi. The "Where's the bitches at" guy is a male stripper by profession, so he does a terrible "sexy" dance for Daisy's benefit. Rather presciently, Daisy names him Tool Box. Who says she dumb?

A guy from Brooklyn is now called Brooklyn. A cable guy is now called Cable Guy, much to his chagrin. A large, hick-accented gentleman is now named Big Rig. A guy with a pierced johnson is called 6 Gauge, after the thickness of his piercing. He looks a lot like 12 Pack, and I know I'm going to get them mixed up!



A Dave Navarro-wannabe type walks up and Daisy practically starts to drool. Ye gads, woman! Pull it together! She bestows upon him the name Fox. It is a misnomer.



Yet another be-mohawked guy puts on the Sorting Hat. He has tattoos on his face and neck and is a bit rough-looking. It turns out that he is a cage fighter, so he is called Cage.

Finally the naming thing is over. Huzzah! There is a casual mixer out on the lanais, by the pool. Daisy tries to interact with all of the guys; the guys try to interact with the free booze. She walks around sipping champagne from a crazy straw, which I find kind of awesome. Daisy also heads straight for Fox and makes out with him. It is so refreshing watching someone other than Bret Michaels make out with Daisy! It was also much less disgusting. There is something horrible about the way Bret makes out. I shudder just thinking about it.



Sinister uses his face time with Daisy to rat out Tool Box for his "bitches" remark. Daisy is outraged! She is not a bitch! She is also missing the point! Daisy confronts Tool Box about his breach of reality dating show etiquette. He says that is just the way he talks, and I, for one, believe him. She says that she is calling the shots and she would never allow that kind of language. I fear Tool Box's communication skills may be quite hindered if the words "bitches" and "hos" are forcibly removed from his lexicon. He may become mute.

When Daisy tries to talk to Torch, he emits sounds like a dolphin. He calls it Swahili. I call it "made up sounds that will only serve to confuse Daisy, and us." Daisy asks if he's, like, "Swahilish." Oh, Daisy.

Flipper is not one to condone being out of the center of attention for more than 20 seconds, so he proceeds to climb a light stand and do a back flip into the pool, much to Daisy's horror. There is some banter between them about him getting Daisy all wet, but it is too gross for me to contemplate.



In the mean time, London has hit the bottle so hard that he a) pukes into the bathroom sink and then b) passes out on the floor. He also c) shares with Flipper a taste for man thongs. Seeing a kindred spirit, Flipper gives aid and comfort to London in his time of need. It's kind of sweet.



The Sunset Striplets inform Daisy that if she wants to date one of them, she has to date ALL of them. For some reason, this freaks Daisy out. I think she is rushing to judgment a bit quickly. At some point, they also tell Riki that they know they don't have much of a shot with winning the show and are really just there to drink and eat as much free stuff as they possibly can. I am beginning to love these Swedes!



12 Pack takes Daisy aside to assuage her fears that he is a reality show man whore. He must be convincing (and thus may deserve an Emmy Award nomination for his performance) because they make out.



Poor ole sadsack Weasel is drinking like a fish. He is so wasted that he can't even make the rock hand gesture correctly.



Everyone is gathered up for an announcement: Daisy is getting rid of three people immediately. And those three people have a Swedish accent and look a lot like Hanoi Rocks. The triplets are not too sad--they just start stuffing food down their skintight pants and make a dash for it. It's pretty adorable. Sunset Striplets, we shall miss your insane over-the-top ridiculousness!



Poor ole sadsack Weasel finally passes out, and in a stunning display of maturity and kindness, some of the guys write all over his face with a Sharpie. He doesn't even realize it when he comes to and has to go to the next elimination. Daisy can't believe he didn't look in a mirror before elimination, but if I was Weasel I probably wouldn't look in the mirror too often, either.



The guys who get to stay receive a chain with a star on it and are asked if they will stay in the house and be Daisy's "Rock Star." Fox, of course, gets the first chain. It gets down to Weasel, Torch, and Dropout. Weasel admits that he's a "complete train wreck," and apparently this honest self-appraisal wins him a reprieve, because he gets a chain! I'm relieved, for some reason. I am glad there is at least one drunken aging rocker on the show!

I'm pretty sure what happened was this: Daisy was way into London, and he passed out drunk. She couldn't kick off Weasel for passing out and then keep London, so Weasel got a free pass. His days are numbered, though.

Dropout and Torch are released back into the wild. Dropout was too much like "a cartoon character" to Daisy, who is rather an expert on looking like a cartoon character, and Torch is too Canadian. Dropout, we shall miss your humble knit cap and long, lank hair. Torch, we shall miss your clicking, clacking, ersatz African pretend language and extreme oddness.

15 dudes remain! They are handed flasks to promote responsible drinking and toast Daisy. Oh, the insanity that we are going to get this season is almost too much to think about! It's going to be the the Tool Olympics, The Decathatlon of Douchebags, the Iron Man of Idiots.

As Bret would say, it is going to be insanely awesome!

It's Confirmed: The Obamas ARE GIANTS



Why does no one ever talk about the giantism going on at The White House? Or is it just that Hilary is a teeny tiny Hobbit woman?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Gwyneth Paltrow...

...is friends with an actual fat person.

But just the one. And she's putting him on a diet.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Rock of Love Bus: The End of the Long and Boring Road


(all images and videos via VH1)

Ugh. What a blah finale for "Rock of Love Bus." Sorry it's so late, my readers (both of you!), but I missed the original airing and it took a while to catch up. But now that I've seen it, I have to say: LAME! LACKLUSTER! LIGHTWEIGHT! Unfortunately, this was a fitting ending to a particularly dull season.

It starts with the two finalists--Mindy, the "girl next door" as Bret Michaels calls her (if the girl next door is a sloot with a hick accent, which, depending on where you live, is entirely possible), and Taya, Penthouse Pet of the Year and all-around dud--getting ready in the bathroom of their Miami hotel room. Mindy complains that she can't get her hair to look good, while Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya always has "perfect" hair. They get into a minor tiff and then head off to a meal with Bret. Although Mindy is the one with the well-deserved reputation for going into funks, Taya is no slouch when it comes to pouting and being pissy and in a foul mood. Bret tells them that if they are going to fight, they at least need to rub butter on their breasts when they do it, and hands Taya a pat of butter. Taya says she is more of a cream cheese girl. This is the high point of the episode.

Bret then informs the girls that their romantic dream getaway is going to be--and here he uses a lot of air quotes for some reason--on a "private plane" whisking them all to the "Dominican Republic." The air quotes make it seem like he thinks neither the plane nor the country actually exist. He wants the ladies to bring a lot of bikinis. Of course.

They get on the plane and Bret immediately notices that the two contestants are not wearing bikinis, but by the time they exit the plane in the Dominican Republic, they have changed into bikini tops. This is clearly of paramount importance to Bret Michaels.

The threesome check into their swanky resort, La Puta de Sloota. Mindy finds out that she is going on her date with Bret that very night! Taya falls into a blue funk. Mindy finds a pink dress that Bret picked out for her to wear on their date, and Mindy says no one has ever bought her clothing for a date before. Mindy writes down all the things she wants to say to Bret because she is afraid she will forget otherwise. She puts on the dress and it's fun/sad to see Bret's taste level for these things. Apparently he's into the dres Molly Ringwald wore to the dance in Sixteen Candles.

They eat dinner and there are cricket sounds because Mindy can't get words to come out of her mouth. Her trusty notebook is inside her purse, which is right there on the table, and yet she doesn't use it. Bret is nonplussed. He compares her (unfavorably!) to Brittanya's many moments of mute dumbness on previous episodes. Things are going down the tubes for Mindy!

They go take a private tango lesson and Bret crows about being a "rock star" who can do the tango. He does do a pretty good job, I have to say.



Then they head to the beach and sit on the sand and Mindy finally breaks out the notebook and tells Bret her "true feelings," which are that she wants to be with Bret and they seem to have the vaunted connection that Bret is constantly yammering about, and they make out in a disgusting manner and they go back to Bret's suite and do it.

In the mean time, Taya tries to take a bath in the Jacuzzi tub and it goes horribly awry and she almost falls in with her clothes on. Comic relief from The Penthouse Pet of the Year!

When Taya realizes Mindy spent the night with Bret, her black funk turns into the La Brea Tar Pits of despair. Mindy is sure she has this whole thing in the bag.

Taya's date is to go zip-lining through the jungle with Bret. She is none too thrilled and sort of whines about it, at least to the camera. Sadly, the zip-lines don't break under the pressure of carrying The Penthouse Pet of the Year and she lands safely at the other end.

They have their romantic dinner and Bret asks her for the one millionth time if she is there for the "right reasons" or simply to promote her brand (Penthouse, herself). He says 99% of his heart believes her and 1% is suspicious. She denies being there for any other reason than to fall madly, deeply in love with a has-been aging rocker in a wig.



They make out in a disgusting manner and then she goes back with him to his suite, where they make out some more, but in a bold move she declines to do it with him and goes back to her and Mindy's room. Bret tells the camera that he totally respects every lady he's ever "fooled around with," but he has to admit that because Taya denied him access to her sacred, highly photographed nether regions, he can't stop thinking about her. Does that ole trick really work? We will find out soon enough, if we don't fall asleep first, that is.



The two girls get spa treatments the next day, and when each one returns to their room, there are two people from a jewelry store waiting for them. They each pick out what they assume is an engagement ring and are both peeing their pants with excitement.



Elimination time. Yawn! They are on the beach at night. Mindy is bedecked in a gold disco-y dress, while Taya is sheathed in a dark red stripper gown. Although Mindy is the one with the downer reputation, it is Taya who cannot muster even the faintest smile. She is dour, she is down, she is a dud, she's on the verge of tears. Bleh! Mindy, although never my favorite, at least until the last moment is smiling wildly and looks fun and up and festive in her gold lame'.

Bret brings out a ring box. He says he has a ring for only one girl, as they do not live on a compound in Utah. (Wouldn't it be awesome if he we had a polygamist dating show?)

He calls down Mindy. He tells her she is beautiful, awesome, and he loves everything about her--almost. He blabbers on about their connection separating when they are around other people. Taya can't hear anything because of the howling wind and surf. She thinks she has lost. But no, it's the ole fake out. Mindy's tour ends here, and boy is she pissed. She interviews that Bret didn't want to look like a shallow jerk who "made a beeline for the Penthouse Pet," which may be pretty accurate. Let's watch how it went down:




So Taya is the winner. Tears, tears, hugs, etc. Hilariously, he doesn't actually give her the ring but says he will hold onto it until reality sets in and he can tastefully send it back.

This week: REUNION SHOW. Here's a sneak peek. It seems that Mindy got over her anger about not being picked after doing it with Bret twice, and wishes she'd told Bret she was in love with him. However, maybe when she gets a good gander at Bret's horrendous facial hair, she will realize she dodged a particularly gnarly bullet:



I hope to God the reunion is more fun and interesting than the finale. I also wonder if they will EVER address the fact that two people were killed by one of Bret's drivers during filming?

Also, check out the preview for Daisy of Love. Although Daisy is a hideous troll and I couldn't care less if she finds true love on tv or not, the dudes look awesome. Like "Tool Academy" mixed with the poorest poor man's Pete Wentz wannabes:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Might Be "The Sopranos" Of Reality TV



Dude. Last night's tv-watching was awesome. First there was the season premiere of "Rescue Me," which is worth watching just for Tatum O'Neal alone. I read that this season they are going to do a "9/11-was-an-inside-job conspiracy theorist" story line, which could be great or annoying, I haven't decided. More Tatum! And more Gina "I Can't Believe She Has A Career After Showgirls" Gershon!

Then it was on to the continuing existential crisis that is "The Real Housewives of New York City," during which a) I started to feel sorry for Alex and Simon, b) Ramona and Mario acted like tiny wee children yet again during the Tennis Game of Sadness, c) my hatred of the Countess LuAnn quadrupled when she told a group of young girls at a Boys and Girls Club in Brooklyn that if they play their cards right, one day they might marry a count and become a pretentious rude bitch when they grow up and then informed one of them--at a self-esteem seminar--that she needed to lose weight in order to become a model, and also said that one of the things she likes about herself is her "likability" and d) I realized that from certain angles, Bethenny "Skinny Girl" Frankel looks a bit like Roddy McDowell in Planet of the Apes:


Bethenny


Cornelius

And best of all, there was a preview for "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," which may turn out to be the most fascinating of the "Real Housewives" shows to date, even trumping the ladies of Atlanta. First of all, in a stunning break with tradition, several of the main housewives are related to each other! There are two sisters and their sister-in-law. This changes the dynamic considerably. Also, at least one husband, and possibly everyone on the show, is connected with the Mafia. They've got the best (ie worst) accents, best (ie worst) McMansions, and they are all total mooks and mookettes. Plus the ones who are related run a giant special events center so we may get to see tons of over-the-top Jersey weddings to boot! I am fit to be tied. How can I wait until May for this show to start wowing me?

Here is a wee introduction to the lovely housewives, via People:

Jacqueline Laurita: A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself. She has a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and a 6-year-old son with her husband Chris, who owns wholesale apparel businesses and is brother to Caroline and Dina.

Teresa Giudice: Born and raised in New Jersey, her husband Joe owns a successful construction company. Together they have three young daughters, who take up much of her time. A friend of Dina and Caroline, she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore.

Danielle Staub: “You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between,” says the single mom of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey. She is also active in her local parish and regularly attends mass. She and Jacqueline are friends.

Dina Manzo: Founder of the nonprofit Project Ladybug, which helps children with cancer, she’s also an interior designer, an event planner, mother and best friends with her sister Caroline. Her husband Tommy works with his brother (Caroline’s husband) at their family’s catering business.

Caroline Manzo: She’s a mother of three and own a real estate firm and a line of children’s accessories. Described as a “feisty spitfire,” she’s Dina’s sister and is on the board of Project Ladybug. She’s married to Albert Manzo, brother of Dina’s husband Tommy. Dina and Caroline’s brother is Jacqueline’s husband Chris.

Huzzah!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Eminem As Bret Michaels

The new Eminem video is out, and though it doesn't hold a candle to my favorite Slim Shady song/video ("Without Me"), it does contain a ton of pop culture swipes--from a bald Bret Michaels in bed with Sarah Palin, to Amy Winehouse, Kim Kardashian, and a ton more--that run the gamut from funny (Bret) to cruel (Jessica Simpson) to wildly out of date (Britney Spears, Sin City, Fargo, "Star Trek," and for some reason, Rain Man):

Monday, April 06, 2009

"Rock of Love Bus" Gets Funky, And Not In A Good Way


(all images via VH1)

I am sorry to report that once again, "Rock of Love Bus" has gone all sad on us. Instead of festive, fun, deranged skanks running amok, we have depressed, ennui-filled skanks running around in a blue funk. Boo! Hiss!

The first downer comes when the girls get to a Miami hotel and find, inexplicably, three Carnival/Mardi Gras/Vegas showgirl outfits laid out on their beds for them to put on:



What could possibly go wrong, you ask? Jamie and Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya are happy enough to put on the skimpy costumes, as apparently nothing turns on Bret Michaels more than Carnival (who knew?), but for some reason Mindy throws a hissy fit because she has to put on something she would "never wear in a million years." The editors flash back to her similar spiral of despair when asked to compose song lyrics. Does she not realize how much Bret hates pouting? Did she not study the lyrics of "Nothin' But A Good Time"?



They meet Bret on the rooftop of the hotel and, horrifyingly, he has brought along his guitar. When he tells Mindy he wants her to sing "with emotion" to his 1,000,000,000th rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," she morosely replies that it's hard to have emotion when you are wearing a "crazy costume," then flounces off to put on a sailor-esque skimpy outfit that apparently is more in her comfort zone. Bret is not amused! He calls out to her, “Put a damn bikini bottom on for Christsakes! You’re in Miami.” Classy!



Then, thankfully, Bret abandons the whole rooftop hootenanny idea and instead decides to stir things up by asking each girl who she hopes Bret will end up with if she can't have him for herself. Jamie says she hopes Mindy wins Bret's heart; Taya says Bret should end up with Mindy, too, as she basically has nothing going on in her life; and Mindy says she hopes Bret chooses Jamie over Taya because Jamie is "fun." So no one picks Taya, in other words. Bret then makes out in a disgusting manner with Jamie and Taya, while Mindy wanders off to sulk. Then Mindy, perhaps smartening up a bit, realizes she "forgot" her sailor hat and goes back to a) obsess about Taya some more, and b) make out with Bret in a disgusting manner .

While this is going on, Jamie and Taya are kind of lurking in the wings, and Taya gets all kinds of bent out of shape because Mindy is making out with Bret in a disgusting manner. Jamie shields Taya fromt the terrible, terrible view, but secretly Jamie is loving how upset Taya is and she makes a funny face at the camera:



Then Taya gets in Jamie's biz-naz about throwing her under the bus when Bret asked who should win, and Jamie says that she said Mindy because she knew she had a better chance of beating Mindy if it came down to them in the final two. Taya acts like she has just discovered the Pentagon Papers of "Rock of Love Bus." She is outraged! That Jamie is "playing a game"! On a tv reality dating contest!

The next day, the "ladies" are told that Taya and and Jamie will be whisked off on a romantic dream date with Bret, and Mindy will not. While Mindy suns herself and her foul mood, Taya, Jamie, and Bret hop in a helicopter to tour Miami from the sky, and then are flown to a gazebo in the middle of a field, where they will lunch. Taya immediately tattles on Jamie for the whole using-strategy-to-win-a-contest thing, and somehow Bret uses this to ask Taya if she's being real with him or if she is a people-pleaser who doesn't reveal her true self. Or something.

The following day, Bret announces that Mindy and Jamie are going on a romantic dream date with him: An air-boat ride through an alligator swamp. Huzzah! Bret uses the opportunity to make out with each girl in a disgusting manner. This time it was extra disgusting because he makes out with one, then turns his head and makes out with the other. It just seems unsanitary. Also, they're in a swamp.





They have a picnic in yet another field. Bret asks Jamie what she's looking for in a relationship, and like an idiot, she is honest and up front about her true feelings. She says she is not ready to get married and just wants to date. Oh, boy. Bret no likey.

Then Bret asks the girls about Taya, even though previously he had stated he was sick of all the conversations being about Taya. Mindy says she thinks Taya's various and sundry "Bret's Girl" t-shirts smack of gamesmanship; awesomely, while Mindy is still talking, Bret turns to Jamie to get her opinion. She says that there is no way that Taya is 29, that she is fake, and that she is still a stripper. And the whole time she is saying this, Mindy is still yapping away in the background.

Back at the hotel, the girls settle in on the terrace for a prolonged bitch-fest. Jamie asks Taya for the 1,000th time is she is a stripper, and Taya is all, "I'm not a stripper, I'm a featured dancer." Friend of Felt Up and strip club expert Tanya B. points out that there actually is a distinction--mainly that "featured dancers" don't do lap dances--but it's probably not best to get on your high horse about stripping when you do, in fact, take off your clothes in public.

Bret arrives in the midst of all this angst to take them all on a romantic dream date. They are ushered into a spectacularly great example of Miami Rococo restaurant decor, where they all settle into a pouty, uncomfortable silence. Bret is not pleased. Every time he tries to start a conversation, there is only the sound of crickets and his horrible hair braids clacking against his skull.

Bret puts the dinner out of its misery and takes the girls out to the patio for some cocktails and interrogation. He tells them if that if they ever has to go through another date like that again, he'll send all three of them home, and that dramatic statement helps snap them out of their collective funk. He asks Mindy what her problem was, and she's all, "I was having a wonderful time!" and then he asks Jamie and she's all, "I was having a wonderful time!" Then he turns to Taya, and wants to know if she's only there because "Rock of Love Bus" is the "number one show on VH1," and she says that her bosses at Penthouse are not very psyched that she's on the show because she's "missing deadlines" for her Pet of the Year photo shoot blah blah blah. I don't know if I buy that the editors are "upset" that their cover girl is on national tv constantly promoting their magazine.

Afterwards, Bret takes Jamie aside so they can have some more alone time, and once again he grills her on what she's looking for romantically, and she is once again stupidly honest and says she doesn't want to get married any time soon, seeing as how she's about 14 years old.

While this is going on, Taya and Mindy are on the patio having yet another sob sister sesh, with Mindy accusing Taya of bottling up her insecurities and Taya denying that she, as a 29 year old mother and Penthouse Pet of the Year and featured dancer, has any insecurities whatsoever. There are tears and more accusations. Bret comes out with a guitar but when he hears wassa goin' on, he quite wisely turns around and leaves.

Elimination time!



Bret debates their personality pluses and minuses: Jamie is cool and whatnot, but she isn't looking for a serious relationship; Taya is cool and whatnot, but he can't "wrap his gut" around whether or not she is there for the right reasons; and Mindy is cool and whatnot, but he doesn't like her mood swings and funks. He calls Mindy down for the first pass, and Taya is fit to be tied. Then he calls Jamie down, but does the ole fake out: Jamie's tour ends here, because Bret may finally be ready to settle down and she may not.

Jamie, although we barely knew ye, we will miss your (comparative) normalcy, predilection for gold headbands, and the odd moles that look like flecks of mud on your pale, pale face. Fare thee well!

So we are down to Mindy and Taya. Next week is the finale! I predict backstabbing, tears, and lots and lots of disgusting make out sessions. Also, the previews imply that Bret will propose marriage--or the Costa Rican equivalent--to one of the lucky finalists!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Felt Up Has Questions!

After looking at photos of President and Mrs. Obama's meet-n-greet with Queen and Mr. Elizabeth, I wonder:


(image via the huffington post)

Are these Brits extra-tiny or are our president and first lady giants? Or both? Look at Prince Philip--he's positively Liliputian! The Queen represents the Lollipop Guild!