Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Vampires and Teddies and Porn Stars, Oh My!

John "Bo Duke" Schneider these days.

Whew! Vampires, cryogenics, double identities, a wedding, John Schneider--last night's "Nip/Tuck" was quite the smorgasbord. And yet, like the rest of this season, it managed to be tinged with melancholy and ennui. Boo! Boo, ennui!

First up, a couple interviews with McNamara/Troy because they got a little carried away in their vampire fantasy games and they have some nasty neck scars they need fixed. The couple is freaked out by how addicted they are to their blood games and have decided to go "cold turkey." They are pretend wampyres--or ARE they? The guy acts like he's the real deal; his girlfriend has fake fangs, but his are real and will have to be filed down by the dentist. The show leaves it ambiguous so we, the audience, can decide if he is a genuine Child of the Night or just some Cris Angel-type schmo with bad teeth.

Somehow the vampires give Dr. Christian Troy the idea that in order to live forever, he must be cryogenically frozen, like Walt Disney. When he tells conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist/fiancee Liz, Dr. Sean McNamara, and his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt about his plans, they all balk, especially Matt, who would rather have his dad spend the cryo-money on Matt. Dr. Christian Troy gets mad. He is able to convince Dr. Sean McNamara to visit the cryogenic place with him.

In the mean time, SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist Teddie apparently has a dual identity as a southern-accented Las Vegas anesthesiologist named Dixie who works for a southern-accented plastic surgeon with whom she is doing it. We see all this while Dr. Sean McNamara is sadsackingly making a romantic dinner for two in house and wondering where the hell Teddie is.

Crazy ex-porn star/Dr. Christian Troy's ex-fiancee/creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt's ex-wife/mother of model-baby-with-villainous-lips Jenna is, we may have all forgotten, involved in a three-way relationship with porn magnate John Schneider and devious conniving underage sloot Eden. Kimber tries to hop into the be-black-satin-sheeted bed with Bo Duke and Eden, but Eden has convinced Bo that Kimber is too old and disgusting and so she is exiled from paradise.

Dixie/Teddie pretends her beloved aunt died, which is why she missed her romantic dinner with Dr. Sean McNamara, and he falls for her story hook, line, and sinker. They end up in her bed with her sucking down snootfulls of nitrous gas because that is what she is into.

Kimber finds out from creepy Matt that Dr. Christian Troy is a) going to marry Liz and b) is dying. She immediately goes to Liz to offer to take her place; Liz correctly ascertains that Kimber is only after Dr. Christian Troy's post-death monies. They hiss and growl at each other.

We see Dixie/Teddie back in Las Vegas, about to do it with the other plastic surgeon. She inhales some nitrous and then puts the mask on the guy; then she murders him by forcing a ton of nitrous gas down his piehole. She asks his corpse, "Why did you have to fall in love with me?"

Dr. Christian Troy and Dr. Sean McNamara go see the cryogenic facility and Dr. Christian Troy finds out he will have a "roommate" in his capsule because there is not enough room for single occupancy eternity pods. He is not too psyched and cancels the plan to be frozen.

The wampyres are discovered by Dr. Christian Troy wallowing in blood in the McNamara/Troy supply room--they have opened up bags of stored blood and are having a snack because they can't control their addiction. He kicks them out but tosses them a bag o' blood "for the road."

Nuptials! Kimber almost ruins the wedding by standing up during the "is there anyone here who has just cause why this marriage should not take place" section, but she leaves the church in tears instead of screaming "Because I love him and John Schneider dumped me!"

Dr. Sean McNamara, post-wedding, is sad and down and wandering the halls of McNamara Troy. He looks at the nitrous machine and takes a big snortfull with a sad smile on his face.

The Troys (including adorable Wilbur) are about to go on their honeymoon when Dr. Christian Troy gets a phone call. Apparently there was a mix-up in the lab and he's NOT DYING after all. And now he is stuck with Liz and will surely be an enormous dick about it.


I didn't get to see the "next on 'Nip/Tuck'" montage, but I am going to take a wild guess that there will be some kind of annulment of the Troys' wedding, Kimber will try and sink her claws into Dr. Christian Troy, and Dixie/Teddie will lead Dr. Sean McNamara down a nitrous shame spiral of death. And there will be a gross operation with a funny '80s soundtrack.


Anonymous said...

I haven't been able to watch the past two episodes on DVR yet, but I broke down and read your recaps today, for I could wait no longer!

Also, I believe last night was the season finale, hence the no "next week on Nip/Tuck."

Terri R.

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