Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Two, Two, TWO Recaps In One!

(all images via VH1)

Yes, I know, I didn't do last week's "Rock of Love" rehash. You see, there's this little thing called South By Southwest here in Austin, and I was a busy bee. A busy, drunken bee. So to make up for it, I'm combining last week's episode and this week's into one SUPER-RECAP! Hooray! Or, booooooo, depending on your point of view. Hey, it's better than nothing!

So last week it was the "Bring The Boyfriends Back" episode from hell. Throughout the history of this show, the skanktestants have tended to date thuggish dudes with lots of tattoos, ridiculous names, and minimal brain stem function. However, new lows in exes were reached this time around. First up, we have Ashley's "ex" and father of her child James, whose name is tattooed on her boob and is himself a boob:

Then there's Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya's ex Jaz, who is a DEAD RINGER for "Psycho" in Stripes ("If any of you homos call me Francis, I'll kill ya") in both looks and demeanor:



Then there's Brittanya's ex-booty call Royal T, who calls her a "freak" and constantly talks about having sex with her and whether or not Bret is having sex with her in a super-classy way:

Royal T

And finally the guy who shows up for skinny newbie Jamie wears a terrible crumpled cowboy hat and accuses her of being a mere groupie for whatever terrible, terrible band he's in. Beverly's ex-husband doesn't bother taking part in this festival of frights; instead of seeing this as a gift from the gods of reality tv, she is extremely upset that he didn't care enough about her to show up and talk trash about her on VH1. Beverly may be nuts.

The best part, though, is that they brought back Heather and Ambre to vet the ladies for Bret! Heather looked good with ironed hair, a long, flowing gown, and a bit less make-up; Ambre was Ambre.

The show sets up a "People's Court"-type thing called "Rock Of Love's Wassa Goin' On Court," which is kind of genius. Bret and Big John watch from a secret room while Judge Ambre and Judge Heather interview the dudes and their exes to find out "who is really there for Bret." It quickly becomes apparent that Brittanya and Heather are two peas in a pod, except Brittanya's got even more of a hair trigger, and she quickly goes off on Heather and hocks a big ole loogey right on her. This upsets Bret.

In the mean time, Ashley is having some sort of fit, lolling around the floor in the hallway, crying, and carrying on. It turns out she still lives with James, just like Bret's beloved, huge-lipped Daisy from last season! Ashley knows the jig is up and is beside herself. I don't know why she thought she could get away with it, since every season they bring the ex-boyfriends back and whatnot, but she dissolves like the Wicked Witch of the West into a blubbering mass of bleach, mascara, and silicone. James tells Heather and Ambre that he has come to take Ashley home.

Later, Beverly reveals to Bret that she got married and had kids at a young age, which Bret wisely sees as the source of her "anger issues."

Elimination time: Bret surprises the gals and us by eliminating TWO skanktestants. First, he axes Brittanya because she spit on his friend Heather. Then he kicks off his fave Ashley because of the teeny problem that she still lives with her "ex"-boyfriend/father of her child.

Brittanya, you were the hottest of the babes: in body, face, and temper. We shall miss your fiery explosions of violence, your pierced dimples, and your inability to speak a complete sentence or maintain a single thought in your head. Ashley, we came to love your complete beyotchitude, and will sorely miss your insane eye-liner, mile-high blonde fake hair, ginormous boobs, and sneering, eye-rolling disdain for all other women on Earth besides yourself and possibly Farrah. Bon voyage, ladies!

This week, we are down to the final four, and believe it or not, they are all brunettes. The gals are herded onto the bus and driven to the Hard Rock Casino in fabulous, glamorous Orlando. They are ushered into what appears to be a Bret Michaels-themed suite, with autographed crapola on the wall and gold records from twenty years ago, etc etc.

The challenge is to write a song for Bret! Yee-ha! Immediately, Mindy hurtles herself down a shame spiral because she can't sing. She just CAIN'T seeeuung, ya'll! She feels like giving up.

In the mean time, Beverly, Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya, and Jamie are composing opuses for Bret and for the ages.

(I would like to insert here the news that as I was writing this, Miss Pamela Des Barres and her ex-husband Michael Des Barres just came in to my place of business and he called me "darling" and talked about his "girlish hips" and she bought a hippie top straight of her old photos in I'm With The Band. How appropriate that the world's most famous groupie was here while I wrote about "Rock of Love Bus"?)

Mindy pulls herself together on the bus ride over and manages reach deep, deep into her very soul to get some really bad lyrics written down. When they arrive at the Hard Rock, there's a guy on hand who works with Bret in some kind of musical capacity to help judge the girls confidence, performance, etc. Beverly goes first and is a really good singer, although she seems a bit nervous (although not nearly as nervous as Bret thinks--he just doesn't dig her in general). Next up is Mindy, who can't sing at all and wrote a song called "Text Message My Heart," but acts as confident as possible under the circumstances. (Bret is playing along on his guitar with all the ladies, by the way. Beverly almost pees her pants when she realizes she will be duetting with THE BRET MICHAELS of POISON!!) Then Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya comes up and is all Fabulous Baker Boys-ing it up, cooing into the mic with a highly professional-sounding delivery. Mindy tells the others that perhaps Taya is not on the show to promote Penthouse but her singing career, instead.

Then Mindy goes up and screeches out her little ditty, and Bret thinks it's cute that she's trying even though she is a terrible singer.

The winner is Taya, of course, but Beverly comes in second and gets to go on a romantic dream date with Bret--and Taya.

After the announcement of Taya's win, Mindy for some reason tells Taya her theory that Taya is only on the show to get her singing career going, which sends Taya into a childish funk for days.

The romantic dream date is flying to fabulous, glamorous San Marcos, Texas, where they limo to even awesomer Gonzales, Texas for a big rock festival. Beverly is peeved that she has a third wheel along, ie, Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya, who actually won the challenge.

Afterwards, someone has Bret sign the bestest home-made painted portrait of Bret, one that I would pay ALMOST any amount to own, and it's kind of sweet that so many old ladies and Aggies want Bret's autograph.

In the limo, Beverly makes the mistake of taking out a bunch of teddy bears and other crap for Bret to autograph for her kids.

During the date, Mindy and Jamie use their down time to take "classy sexy" photos of themselves with a guitar in their hotel room.

Back in Orlando, Taya IS STILL SULKING and being a huge baby about Mindy's comments.

Mindy is annoyed because Taya "acts so perfect all the time," to the point that when Bret dons a chef's outfit and cooks them food in one of the Hard Rock's cafes, Taya refuses to say what's bothering her and Mindy is fit to be tied.

VH1 helpfully provides a lot of cricket chirping on the soundtrack to let us know how awkward the meal is. Mindy goes off for some coveted "one-on-one time" with Bret and spends the entire time talking about her relationship with Taya, which makes Bret not very turned on.

Then Jamie comes in with the "classy sexy" photos and presents them to Bret, and he's turned on again, thank goodness. Oddly, Jamie's photo is blurred in one shot and not in the next, making it look like they switched out a particularly classy shot for another.

Elimination time: Taya gets the first pass. She may win the whole thing! Bleh. Jamie is safe, thanks to the ultra-classy photos. It's down to Mindy, who maybe cares more about Taya than Bret, and Beverly, who is too much of a fan and, more damningly, is simply not Bret's type. (Beverly is wearing a bizarrely unflattering faux '60s mod outfit, which isn't doing her any favors.) And the tour ends here for...Beverly, to no one's surprise. Beverly, we shall miss your drunken rages, your low-riding boobs, and sensible shoes. Fare thee well.

Next week: I'm not sure. The montage was a blur. I am pretty certain there will be drama between Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya and the other two.


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