Thursday, March 05, 2009
My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Speed Bumps
(all images via VH1)
I am happy to report that Bret Michaels seems to have gotten out of most of his funk and has regained the gleam in his eye when he looks upon a bunch of skanks gyrating on a stripper pole in a field behind a truck stop, thank goodness. And all is right with the world! God bless us, every one!
Said truck stop is somewhere outside of Nashville, as the "Rock of Love" buses pull in for a newly-minted team challenge called the "Truck Stop Games." It's every bit as classy as you imagine. The first challenge is to belly flop in a giant tank of Bret Beer. The contestant who makes the biggest splash or shows the most bare boobage to the truck driver judges, wins. Beverly makes the biggest splash, but Mormon young stuff Kelsey flashes her boobs at the judges, and boobs trump splash, so her team wins.
Beverly wins the battle, but loses the war.
The next event is simply to mount a stripper pole planted in a field and skank out. There was some controversy here because Penthouse Pet Taya, who tends to act like being a Penthouse Pet makes her Princess Margaret amongst the stripper hoi-polloi on the show, takes to the pole like a hungry catfish, and the strippers cry foul. Foul, they say! And rightly so. (When Taya announces that she has been named Pet of the Year, she sounds exactly like Kristen Wiig's Penelope character on "Saturday Night Live" who is always one-upping everyone: "So, wait 'till I drop the bomb on Bret that I'm Pet of the Year. I'm just sayin'. Sooooo..." She also says, "That's, like, a big deal, " just in case the other skanks didn't understand the magnitude of her achievement.)
The final challenge is a relay race that involves dressing a hot dog with condiments and carrying it over various obstacles (beer bellies, tires, a slip-n-slide) to the judges, who place a lot of weight on the tastiness of the hot dog, which is weird, because the dogs appear to be uncooked. The first team bellyflops down the slip-n-slide, getting their hot dog wet and yukky. The second team does an excellent job, but the final team has Farrah baring her boobs and giving the judges a kiss, so they win. Beverly, who acts like she is at the Olympics, is enraged at the injustice of it all and goes off to lodge a complaint with the International Skank Sporting Committee.
Bret invites the second place team--Beverly, Ashley, and new girl Kami--on his bus as a consolation prize. He plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for the 5 bazillionth time of this series, and all four of them head to his bedroom to frolic. Naughty!
Afterwards, Kami relates that she is shocked--SHOCKED!--that Ashely would take her underpants off in front of all them immediately upon entering Bret's bedroom. This terrifying encounter rocks Kami to the very core of her being and she cries and tells Bret that she can't handle all the skank shenanigans and opts to leave the show. Ashely's nether regions are apparently quite repellent to everyone but Bret.
The tour continues on to a typical Bret Michaels' high-caliber venue--an amusement park in the middle of nowhere. The winners of the Truck Stop Games get a romantic dream date with Bret on bumper cars and whatnot. Bret makes out with Penthouse of the Year Taya, to the general disgust of the entire viewing audience and Ashley:
Then Farrah and Kelsey the barely legal Mormon proceed to get super dizrunk on the bus. At that night's show, Big John lays out very specific instructions that the girls should be on their best behavior, because the VIP area is a roped-off section with sofas in full view of the audience, and they have to "represent Bret." Immediately, Farrah and Kelsey set to falling over themselves in a drunken fit:
Big John exiles them to the bus. Kelsey, on a total shame spiral, heads outside and collapses on a speed bump, where she lies like a lump for an hour or so. Big John finds her before she can be run over and gives her a rather sweet, if untruthful, pep talk about how great she is.
This very night is the elimination! Ashley, not to be outdone by a Mormon, has been double-fisting vodka and Red Bull for the past several hours, so she, Farrah, and Kelsey are all blind drunk at the elimination. Bret, clearly tired after the show and losing his voice, doesn't even bother with the backstage passes, he just kicks Kelsey right off the bat and that's it.
Kelsey, your potent mix of Utah innocence, youth, and willingness to remove your bra and jump into a tank of beer will be missed. Your tour ends here, but you probably will return to Salt Lake City with a LOT of new fans.
Next week: Beverly dares to mouth off to Bret, is labeled a "stalker," and the other ladies let their slut flags fly.