Monday, March 30, 2009

It's Not My Fault That Bret Michaels Needed The Week Off To Have His Wig Adjusted



There was no new "Rock Of Love Bus" this week, alas. Boo, hiss! I guess Bret and the girls needed to spend some quality time maintaining their spray tans and weaves and whatnot. But there will definitely be a new episode next Sunday! According to VH1:
Bret plans a couple of fantasy dates for his last three girls, but when one girl gets to go twice, the other two are worried that Bret has already made his final decision. Friendships end when it's every girl for herself in this second-to-last episode.
Stay tuned!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Two, Two, TWO Recaps In One!


(all images via VH1)

Yes, I know, I didn't do last week's "Rock of Love" rehash. You see, there's this little thing called South By Southwest here in Austin, and I was a busy bee. A busy, drunken bee. So to make up for it, I'm combining last week's episode and this week's into one SUPER-RECAP! Hooray! Or, booooooo, depending on your point of view. Hey, it's better than nothing!

So last week it was the "Bring The Boyfriends Back" episode from hell. Throughout the history of this show, the skanktestants have tended to date thuggish dudes with lots of tattoos, ridiculous names, and minimal brain stem function. However, new lows in exes were reached this time around. First up, we have Ashley's "ex" and father of her child James, whose name is tattooed on her boob and is himself a boob:



Then there's Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya's ex Jaz, who is a DEAD RINGER for "Psycho" in Stripes ("If any of you homos call me Francis, I'll kill ya") in both looks and demeanor:


Jaz


Francis

Then there's Brittanya's ex-booty call Royal T, who calls her a "freak" and constantly talks about having sex with her and whether or not Bret is having sex with her in a super-classy way:


Royal T

And finally the guy who shows up for skinny newbie Jamie wears a terrible crumpled cowboy hat and accuses her of being a mere groupie for whatever terrible, terrible band he's in. Beverly's ex-husband doesn't bother taking part in this festival of frights; instead of seeing this as a gift from the gods of reality tv, she is extremely upset that he didn't care enough about her to show up and talk trash about her on VH1. Beverly may be nuts.

The best part, though, is that they brought back Heather and Ambre to vet the ladies for Bret! Heather looked good with ironed hair, a long, flowing gown, and a bit less make-up; Ambre was Ambre.





The show sets up a "People's Court"-type thing called "Rock Of Love's Wassa Goin' On Court," which is kind of genius. Bret and Big John watch from a secret room while Judge Ambre and Judge Heather interview the dudes and their exes to find out "who is really there for Bret." It quickly becomes apparent that Brittanya and Heather are two peas in a pod, except Brittanya's got even more of a hair trigger, and she quickly goes off on Heather and hocks a big ole loogey right on her. This upsets Bret.



In the mean time, Ashley is having some sort of fit, lolling around the floor in the hallway, crying, and carrying on. It turns out she still lives with James, just like Bret's beloved, huge-lipped Daisy from last season! Ashley knows the jig is up and is beside herself. I don't know why she thought she could get away with it, since every season they bring the ex-boyfriends back and whatnot, but she dissolves like the Wicked Witch of the West into a blubbering mass of bleach, mascara, and silicone. James tells Heather and Ambre that he has come to take Ashley home.



Later, Beverly reveals to Bret that she got married and had kids at a young age, which Bret wisely sees as the source of her "anger issues."

Elimination time: Bret surprises the gals and us by eliminating TWO skanktestants. First, he axes Brittanya because she spit on his friend Heather. Then he kicks off his fave Ashley because of the teeny problem that she still lives with her "ex"-boyfriend/father of her child.

Brittanya, you were the hottest of the babes: in body, face, and temper. We shall miss your fiery explosions of violence, your pierced dimples, and your inability to speak a complete sentence or maintain a single thought in your head. Ashley, we came to love your complete beyotchitude, and will sorely miss your insane eye-liner, mile-high blonde fake hair, ginormous boobs, and sneering, eye-rolling disdain for all other women on Earth besides yourself and possibly Farrah. Bon voyage, ladies!

This week, we are down to the final four, and believe it or not, they are all brunettes. The gals are herded onto the bus and driven to the Hard Rock Casino in fabulous, glamorous Orlando. They are ushered into what appears to be a Bret Michaels-themed suite, with autographed crapola on the wall and gold records from twenty years ago, etc etc.

The challenge is to write a song for Bret! Yee-ha! Immediately, Mindy hurtles herself down a shame spiral because she can't sing. She just CAIN'T seeeuung, ya'll! She feels like giving up.



In the mean time, Beverly, Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya, and Jamie are composing opuses for Bret and for the ages.

(I would like to insert here the news that as I was writing this, Miss Pamela Des Barres and her ex-husband Michael Des Barres just came in to my place of business and he called me "darling" and talked about his "girlish hips" and she bought a hippie top straight of her old photos in I'm With The Band. How appropriate that the world's most famous groupie was here while I wrote about "Rock of Love Bus"?)

Mindy pulls herself together on the bus ride over and manages reach deep, deep into her very soul to get some really bad lyrics written down. When they arrive at the Hard Rock, there's a guy on hand who works with Bret in some kind of musical capacity to help judge the girls confidence, performance, etc. Beverly goes first and is a really good singer, although she seems a bit nervous (although not nearly as nervous as Bret thinks--he just doesn't dig her in general). Next up is Mindy, who can't sing at all and wrote a song called "Text Message My Heart," but acts as confident as possible under the circumstances. (Bret is playing along on his guitar with all the ladies, by the way. Beverly almost pees her pants when she realizes she will be duetting with THE BRET MICHAELS of POISON!!) Then Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya comes up and is all Fabulous Baker Boys-ing it up, cooing into the mic with a highly professional-sounding delivery. Mindy tells the others that perhaps Taya is not on the show to promote Penthouse but her singing career, instead.



Then Mindy goes up and screeches out her little ditty, and Bret thinks it's cute that she's trying even though she is a terrible singer.

The winner is Taya, of course, but Beverly comes in second and gets to go on a romantic dream date with Bret--and Taya.

After the announcement of Taya's win, Mindy for some reason tells Taya her theory that Taya is only on the show to get her singing career going, which sends Taya into a childish funk for days.

The romantic dream date is flying to fabulous, glamorous San Marcos, Texas, where they limo to even awesomer Gonzales, Texas for a big rock festival. Beverly is peeved that she has a third wheel along, ie, Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya, who actually won the challenge.



Afterwards, someone has Bret sign the bestest home-made painted portrait of Bret, one that I would pay ALMOST any amount to own, and it's kind of sweet that so many old ladies and Aggies want Bret's autograph.



In the limo, Beverly makes the mistake of taking out a bunch of teddy bears and other crap for Bret to autograph for her kids.



During the date, Mindy and Jamie use their down time to take "classy sexy" photos of themselves with a guitar in their hotel room.

Back in Orlando, Taya IS STILL SULKING and being a huge baby about Mindy's comments.



Mindy is annoyed because Taya "acts so perfect all the time," to the point that when Bret dons a chef's outfit and cooks them food in one of the Hard Rock's cafes, Taya refuses to say what's bothering her and Mindy is fit to be tied.



VH1 helpfully provides a lot of cricket chirping on the soundtrack to let us know how awkward the meal is. Mindy goes off for some coveted "one-on-one time" with Bret and spends the entire time talking about her relationship with Taya, which makes Bret not very turned on.

Then Jamie comes in with the "classy sexy" photos and presents them to Bret, and he's turned on again, thank goodness. Oddly, Jamie's photo is blurred in one shot and not in the next, making it look like they switched out a particularly classy shot for another.





Elimination time: Taya gets the first pass. She may win the whole thing! Bleh. Jamie is safe, thanks to the ultra-classy photos. It's down to Mindy, who maybe cares more about Taya than Bret, and Beverly, who is too much of a fan and, more damningly, is simply not Bret's type. (Beverly is wearing a bizarrely unflattering faux '60s mod outfit, which isn't doing her any favors.) And the tour ends here for...Beverly, to no one's surprise. Beverly, we shall miss your drunken rages, your low-riding boobs, and sensible shoes. Fare thee well.



Next week: I'm not sure. The montage was a blur. I am pretty certain there will be drama between Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya and the other two.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Who The Eff This Is..

The answer to the current "Who The Eff IS This?" is...



Lauri Waring, from "The Real Housewives of Orange County." Here's what she looks like now:



Ms. Waring is a great example of "packaging"--ie, if you've got the long, blonde hair, the giant fake boobs, and a thin bod, a lot of people will forget to notice the butchering of one's facial features. I mean, she was no great beauty before, but at least she looked human and real; now she is a grotesque.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What The French, Bret Michaels?


(all images via VH1)

On this week's "Rock Of Love Bus," there was:

A trip to a beach in Florida.

A platter of bikinis for the girls to choose from; Farrah and Ashley pick the teeniest ones, of course.

Babysitting for families of troops stationed in Iraq. Babysitting in itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny poke-a-Bret bikinis. For the troops!



The news that Brittanya and Ashley ARE MOTHERS. OF CHILDREN. HUMAN CHILDREN.

A little girl painting over Ashley's tattoo of herself naked and holding a gun:



A win for Ashely in the babysitting challenge.

The reversal of the Earth's rotation on its axis.

A romantic trip to Coyote Ugly.

A LOT of straight vodka poured down Beverly's gullet by Beverly before leaving the hotel room:



A LOT of drunk talk by Beverly to Bret that was less than complimentary (the "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" video was "a long-ass time ago,"etc etc), and more than awesome.



Skanktestants dancing on the Coyote Ugly bar, of course:



A near fall off said bar by an extremely intoxicated Beverly.

A gross and disgusting make-out session between Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya and Bret Micheaels back on the bus, while Beverly gives them the ole stink(ing drunk) eye.

A bonfire on the beach.

A three-way gross and disgusting make-out session at said bonfire between Ashley, Brittanya, and Bret, which causes Taya to have a fit and leave in a huff.

Mindy and Taya barefoot in a beach bathroom together.

Mindy and Taya naked in a hot tub together.

A gross and disgusting make-out session between new skinny girl Jamie and Bret:



The thought by the audience that perhaps Bret might want to get an emergency dose of Valtrex, stat.

Mindy and Taya showering in the hotel room together, discussing someone not being a person "you bring home to mom," which could mean any person on the show; Farrah, feeling certain they are talking about her, yanking open the shower curtain, exposing their nether regions to God and VH1, and yelling stuff at them:



A jar of salsa poured by Ashley into Mindy's suitcase, in apparent retaliation for the trash shower talk:



The statement from Mindy that it will take "more than a can of salsa" to deter Mindy.

A romantic dream date of ATVing on the beach for Ashley and Bret.

The realization by Ashley and the audience that Bret mistakenly sees Farrah as the alpha skank in the Ashley/Farrah dynamic duo and thus blames Farrah for Ashley being an unbelievable drunken bitch.

Another half-hearted hotel gym workout by Bret.

A discussion between Farrah and Bret in the hotel gym in which Bret makes mention of the dreaded "friendship connection" he fears he only has with Farrah.

A discussion between Beverly and Bret in the hotel gym in which Bret makes mention of Beverly's dreaded "angry side" that comes out when she is crapfaced hammered.

An elimination in which Taya and Farrah are the last two standing: Taya, because Bret fears she is only on the show to publicize Penthouse magazine and her incredible, outstanding, impressive, and exceptionally classy career as Pet of the Year; Farrah, because he likes Ashley and thinks Farrah is a bad influence, which shows that Bret Michaels is not MENSA material.



The elimination of Farrah, her "What the French?" catchphrase, and her boobs. We shall miss all four.

Next week: It's the "Bring the Exes Back" episode!

Who The EFF Is THIS?

Hey, it's another edition of Felt Up's guessing game, "Who The EFF Is THIS?" Today's photo features a mother and her son:



Here are a few clues for you:

1. You will only know who this lady is if you watch a lot of Bravo reality show programming, like all good and decent people.

2. Let's just say there's been a little work done here and there since this photo was taken.

3. It's not Courtney Love.

Make your guesses in the comments and I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Another Childhood Favorite Destroyed

I knew this day would come, damn it. I honestly can't think of any treasured pop culture memories that haven't been "updated" and ruined. Unless they make a "Laverne & Shirley" movie with Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz. Or worse yet, "Quincy" starring Dane Cook. That might just kill me.

Here's the real deal, the way God and Walt Disney intended it:

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Who The Eff This Is..



If you answered either "Courtney Love" or "doll farts" to yesterday's guessing game---you are correct!

Boy. Courtney is morphing into something akin to an elderly South American soap star. What on earth has she done to her face? Not to mention her various parts?

On a related note, have you seen the previews for Bravo's "A-List Awards," in which Kathy Griffin's grim death-head prances and minces around and tries to speak? She, like Ms. Love, CANNOT STOP surgering herself. They both may need some kind of intervention, but who would be brave enough to interject themselves between the knife and what's left of their skin? WHO?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Fun New Game!

It's called "Who The Eff IS This?" and here is your clue:



Here are some hints:

1) It's not Barbara "I Dream of Jeannie" Eden circa 2007.

2.) It is someone under the age of 45.

3.) It is not a member of the Versace family.

Guess who the eff this is in the comments and I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Speed Bumps


(all images via VH1)

I am happy to report that Bret Michaels seems to have gotten out of most of his funk and has regained the gleam in his eye when he looks upon a bunch of skanks gyrating on a stripper pole in a field behind a truck stop, thank goodness. And all is right with the world! God bless us, every one!

Said truck stop is somewhere outside of Nashville, as the "Rock of Love" buses pull in for a newly-minted team challenge called the "Truck Stop Games." It's every bit as classy as you imagine. The first challenge is to belly flop in a giant tank of Bret Beer. The contestant who makes the biggest splash or shows the most bare boobage to the truck driver judges, wins. Beverly makes the biggest splash, but Mormon young stuff Kelsey flashes her boobs at the judges, and boobs trump splash, so her team wins.


Beverly wins the battle, but loses the war.


The winnah(s)!

The next event is simply to mount a stripper pole planted in a field and skank out. There was some controversy here because Penthouse Pet Taya, who tends to act like being a Penthouse Pet makes her Princess Margaret amongst the stripper hoi-polloi on the show, takes to the pole like a hungry catfish, and the strippers cry foul. Foul, they say! And rightly so. (When Taya announces that she has been named Pet of the Year, she sounds exactly like Kristen Wiig's Penelope character on "Saturday Night Live" who is always one-upping everyone: "So, wait 'till I drop the bomb on Bret that I'm Pet of the Year. I'm just sayin'. Sooooo..." She also says, "That's, like, a big deal, " just in case the other skanks didn't understand the magnitude of her achievement.)

The final challenge is a relay race that involves dressing a hot dog with condiments and carrying it over various obstacles (beer bellies, tires, a slip-n-slide) to the judges, who place a lot of weight on the tastiness of the hot dog, which is weird, because the dogs appear to be uncooked. The first team bellyflops down the slip-n-slide, getting their hot dog wet and yukky. The second team does an excellent job, but the final team has Farrah baring her boobs and giving the judges a kiss, so they win. Beverly, who acts like she is at the Olympics, is enraged at the injustice of it all and goes off to lodge a complaint with the International Skank Sporting Committee.

Bret invites the second place team--Beverly, Ashley, and new girl Kami--on his bus as a consolation prize. He plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for the 5 bazillionth time of this series, and all four of them head to his bedroom to frolic. Naughty!

Afterwards, Kami relates that she is shocked--SHOCKED!--that Ashely would take her underpants off in front of all them immediately upon entering Bret's bedroom. This terrifying encounter rocks Kami to the very core of her being and she cries and tells Bret that she can't handle all the skank shenanigans and opts to leave the show. Ashely's nether regions are apparently quite repellent to everyone but Bret.

The tour continues on to a typical Bret Michaels' high-caliber venue--an amusement park in the middle of nowhere. The winners of the Truck Stop Games get a romantic dream date with Bret on bumper cars and whatnot. Bret makes out with Penthouse of the Year Taya, to the general disgust of the entire viewing audience and Ashley:



Then Farrah and Kelsey the barely legal Mormon proceed to get super dizrunk on the bus. At that night's show, Big John lays out very specific instructions that the girls should be on their best behavior, because the VIP area is a roped-off section with sofas in full view of the audience, and they have to "represent Bret." Immediately, Farrah and Kelsey set to falling over themselves in a drunken fit:



Big John exiles them to the bus. Kelsey, on a total shame spiral, heads outside and collapses on a speed bump, where she lies like a lump for an hour or so. Big John finds her before she can be run over and gives her a rather sweet, if untruthful, pep talk about how great she is.



This very night is the elimination! Ashley, not to be outdone by a Mormon, has been double-fisting vodka and Red Bull for the past several hours, so she, Farrah, and Kelsey are all blind drunk at the elimination. Bret, clearly tired after the show and losing his voice, doesn't even bother with the backstage passes, he just kicks Kelsey right off the bat and that's it.

Kelsey, your potent mix of Utah innocence, youth, and willingness to remove your bra and jump into a tank of beer will be missed. Your tour ends here, but you probably will return to Salt Lake City with a LOT of new fans.

Next week: Beverly dares to mouth off to Bret, is labeled a "stalker," and the other ladies let their slut flags fly.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Vampires and Teddies and Porn Stars, Oh My!


John "Bo Duke" Schneider these days.

Whew! Vampires, cryogenics, double identities, a wedding, John Schneider--last night's "Nip/Tuck" was quite the smorgasbord. And yet, like the rest of this season, it managed to be tinged with melancholy and ennui. Boo! Boo, ennui!

First up, a couple interviews with McNamara/Troy because they got a little carried away in their vampire fantasy games and they have some nasty neck scars they need fixed. The couple is freaked out by how addicted they are to their blood games and have decided to go "cold turkey." They are pretend wampyres--or ARE they? The guy acts like he's the real deal; his girlfriend has fake fangs, but his are real and will have to be filed down by the dentist. The show leaves it ambiguous so we, the audience, can decide if he is a genuine Child of the Night or just some Cris Angel-type schmo with bad teeth.

Somehow the vampires give Dr. Christian Troy the idea that in order to live forever, he must be cryogenically frozen, like Walt Disney. When he tells conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist/fiancee Liz, Dr. Sean McNamara, and his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt about his plans, they all balk, especially Matt, who would rather have his dad spend the cryo-money on Matt. Dr. Christian Troy gets mad. He is able to convince Dr. Sean McNamara to visit the cryogenic place with him.

In the mean time, SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist Teddie apparently has a dual identity as a southern-accented Las Vegas anesthesiologist named Dixie who works for a southern-accented plastic surgeon with whom she is doing it. We see all this while Dr. Sean McNamara is sadsackingly making a romantic dinner for two in house and wondering where the hell Teddie is.

Crazy ex-porn star/Dr. Christian Troy's ex-fiancee/creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt's ex-wife/mother of model-baby-with-villainous-lips Jenna is, we may have all forgotten, involved in a three-way relationship with porn magnate John Schneider and devious conniving underage sloot Eden. Kimber tries to hop into the be-black-satin-sheeted bed with Bo Duke and Eden, but Eden has convinced Bo that Kimber is too old and disgusting and so she is exiled from paradise.

Dixie/Teddie pretends her beloved aunt died, which is why she missed her romantic dinner with Dr. Sean McNamara, and he falls for her story hook, line, and sinker. They end up in her bed with her sucking down snootfulls of nitrous gas because that is what she is into.

Kimber finds out from creepy Matt that Dr. Christian Troy is a) going to marry Liz and b) is dying. She immediately goes to Liz to offer to take her place; Liz correctly ascertains that Kimber is only after Dr. Christian Troy's post-death monies. They hiss and growl at each other.

We see Dixie/Teddie back in Las Vegas, about to do it with the other plastic surgeon. She inhales some nitrous and then puts the mask on the guy; then she murders him by forcing a ton of nitrous gas down his piehole. She asks his corpse, "Why did you have to fall in love with me?"

Dr. Christian Troy and Dr. Sean McNamara go see the cryogenic facility and Dr. Christian Troy finds out he will have a "roommate" in his capsule because there is not enough room for single occupancy eternity pods. He is not too psyched and cancels the plan to be frozen.

The wampyres are discovered by Dr. Christian Troy wallowing in blood in the McNamara/Troy supply room--they have opened up bags of stored blood and are having a snack because they can't control their addiction. He kicks them out but tosses them a bag o' blood "for the road."

Nuptials! Kimber almost ruins the wedding by standing up during the "is there anyone here who has just cause why this marriage should not take place" section, but she leaves the church in tears instead of screaming "Because I love him and John Schneider dumped me!"

Dr. Sean McNamara, post-wedding, is sad and down and wandering the halls of McNamara Troy. He looks at the nitrous machine and takes a big snortfull with a sad smile on his face.

The Troys (including adorable Wilbur) are about to go on their honeymoon when Dr. Christian Troy gets a phone call. Apparently there was a mix-up in the lab and he's NOT DYING after all. And now he is stuck with Liz and will surely be an enormous dick about it.

AND SCENE.

I didn't get to see the "next on 'Nip/Tuck'" montage, but I am going to take a wild guess that there will be some kind of annulment of the Troys' wedding, Kimber will try and sink her claws into Dr. Christian Troy, and Dixie/Teddie will lead Dr. Sean McNamara down a nitrous shame spiral of death. And there will be a gross operation with a funny '80s soundtrack.