Monday, February 09, 2009

Waiting For Good 'Ho

(all images via vh1)

Whassa goin' on with Bret Michaels? Throughout this season of "Rock of Love," despite--or perhaps because of--an onslaught of trashy skankitude previously unknown outside of a Joe Francis bachelor party in Tijuana--he's been ambivalent, morose, and consumed by ennui. BRET MICHAELS. I think he 's aware of the problem, though, because on last night's "Rock of Love Bus" he dropped by the stripper store and picked up some fresh blood to liven up what I can only describe as a train wreck of a bus tour. Desperate times call for desperate measures, people!

Let me back up a bit. The buses pull up to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club outside of St. Louis, and at first some of the very few non-strippers on the show (ie, Beverly) are rightfully worried they will have to do some kind of lap dance in Larry Flynt's wheelchair in order to make an emotional connection with Bret. But, no, it's a makeover challenge. I love makeovers! Bret brings out three obviously dowdied-up women with baggy sweaters, glasses, no makeup, etc. The idiotic skanktestants clearly believe that these ladies really look like this all the time. The challenge is to trash 'em up the way Bret likes it. Makeover teams are formed and Natasha, Farrah, and Mindy are the captains. Each is assigned a girl to transform from drab to scab. The winning team captain gets a romantic dream date with Bret.

Here's the BEFORE:

And here's THE AFTER:

What Not To Wear, indeed.

After the makeovers, Bret a likee what he sees. He informs everyone that a) all three captains win the date because they did such an awesome job, and b) the three makeoverettes will be joining the tour as contestants. Bret casts a beady eye over the original gals to see what their reaction is to this news. Some of the skanks are confused about the situation and start clapping, which Bret takes as a lack of loyalty. Bret a no likee what he sees. He pouts back to the bus, solo, to do some soul searching, musing, and terrible, terrible guitar playing.

Insanely bitchy Ashley is tres peeved that there will be three new competitors, and she goes to Bret's bus to discuss the matter. She cries. This makes Bret feel like he has more than a party connection or the dreaded friendship connection, but possibly the coveted emotional connection with Ashley and her giant bazooms. Then she dries her tears and tells Bret, serious as a heart attack, that she thinks Natasha is a man because she has a low, husky voice and wears tutus all the time in an effort to conceal her "bulge." Then Ashley and Bret make out in an extremely disgusting manner. Why is Bret's frenching so revolting? I cannot put my finger on it. Is it the wig?


The team captains go on their dream date with Bret, which takes place on a river boat. There is much talk about party connections vs. emotional connections, blah blah blah. Then Mindy--who is a dead ringer for a sluttier Jamie Lynn Sigler, the actress who played Meadow Soprano, albeit with a hick accent not unlike Brandine Spuckler of "The Simpsons"--drags Bret off and they make out in an extremely disgusting manner.

In the mean time, trouble's a brewin' for the new contestants. They try to make friends in the hotel room where the old contestants are staying, but Brittanya, Our Lady of the Dimple Piercings, is having none of it. Her response to newbie Kami's friendly overtures is to go off like a particularly whorish Chinese firecracker, with a lot of cursing and threats of violence. Hilariously, she finds within herself the gall to accuse Kami of only being on the show so she can be "on tv."

Back on the boat, Bret is struggling with Ashley-implanted thoughts that Natasha is a man, baby! He actually comes close to asking her outright if she's a dude, but THANK GOD he chickens out and refrains from humiliating this woman on national tv (although it was probably already too late).

Bret takes the new girls aside and they discuss children and hotness. Then Beverly interrupts to ask why these interlopers have been brought on the show. Oddly, Bret is angered by Beverly's outburst, even though he proceeds to say how terrible it was that some of the contestants clapped at the announcement that the new ladies were being added. Then he says, rather snippily, "Anybody else?" Which again, is strange, because he just said how mad it made him that no one was upset, but when Beverly is upset, that makes Bret mad. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Bret is using something of a tautological argument that lacks a firm foundation in Kantian logic. Or he does not dig Beverly very much.

The new girls and Bret go on a romantic dream date at a bowling alley, and they have fun and Bret's thinking he made the right choice when he added the threesome to the group. They inform him about Brittanya's little outburst, which of course turns him on; then they say she mentioned something about "not caring if she goes home or not," which turns Bret off. It's an emotional roller coaster ride this week!

When Bret returns to the hotel, he calls Ashley to his bus so she can listen to him play his hair-raisingly bad new song and have sex with him.

Bret decides to work out in the hotel's fitness room and gets Brittanya in there to discuss her anger management issues. Brittanya is wearing a "dress" that consists of one millimeter of chainmail and appears to have come from a Too Live Crew video shoot tag sale. Bret would like to have a conversation with Brittanya, but she appears to be too dim-witted to speak any actual words. Even Bret is taken aback by the cricket sounds emanating from the free weight section. But he does like that dress!

Elimination time. No surprise: The new girls are safe. Ashley, having shared her heart, soul, and most importantly, her body with Bret, is safe. I was thinking he would have to eliminate four girls to make up for adding three new ones, but no, only one is going home. It gets down to Natasha, for possibly being a man (and the unspoken but obvious fact that Bret is not really going to date a black person) and Brittanya, for possibly having no brain, like a skanktacular Tin Man. And to the surprise of no one, manly Natasha is thrown off the bus. She cries quite femininely, but it's too late. Her tour ends here.

Natasha, I bid you good look with your dream of becoming a Canadian madam!

Next week on "Rock of Love Bus": Drama, catfights, and some kind of scandal involving a photo of Bret!


miss wind said...

the frenching is creepy...i think its the wig, the hand movements, and something about the way the light reflects of the gold blingy shit on his tee-shirts

Anonymous said...

I think the kissing is gross because he's so clearly bad at it. Whenever you read about the techniques of good kissing, one big no-no is not running your tongue all over the place. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't start licking nostril, soon.
It's also gross, because really, he's doing it with a bunch of people almost at the same time. Only stupid people would find that admirable or "hot".
That's really low class to speculate about Natasha. They should have left it at the bitchy comment and ended it there. Now she will be humiliated, because she and her friends and family will eventually see these shows.
It just points out what a low class shit Ashley is. Interesting how she continually describes herself as "hot", when she has what could best be described as a hatchet face. Funny how an ugly woman is always referred to as beautiful as long as she has bleached hair and oversized rubber tits. I guess that's why people mistakenly think Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson are attractive. Because people are morons.

Unknown said...

It's like he's having a bout of low blood sugar (diabetus, you know) and he's trying to perk it up with lip gloss. He EATS their lips!