Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Objects of Desire



There were a lot of ups (furniture sex!) and downs (death!) on last night's "Nip/Tuck." So many, in fact, that it is difficult to process them all, but let's try, shall we?

First up, we have the reappearance of the lady who needed a mouth replacement and the doctors used her vaginal lips but she kept the source of her new pucker from her husband, believing he would be so freaked out he would never get over it. This surgery was the basis for the infamous "pussy lips" plot line in "Hearts & Scalpels" starring Felt Up Fave Rave Emeritus Jennifer Coolidge. Apparently the original vadge-mouthed lady needs a total plastic surgery overhaul because her husband is dying of prostate cancer and wants her to bag a rich guy when he's gone. Way to take a potentially awesome story and make it sad and depressing, "Nip/Tuck"!

We meet conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz's Hispanic-accented mother, who is thrilled and confused and suspicious that her formerly-lesbian daughter is marrying a hotshot like Dr. Christian Troy. She wants Liz to wear a family heirloom wedding dress, but Liz's boobs are too big. Naturally, the only solution is a breast-reduction surgery.

The SEXY, DANGEROUS anesthesiologist is still around. I thought she'd left after Dr. Sean McNamara admitted he couldn't live on the EDGE. But she's still there, and seems a bit less DANGEROUS and more normal--less smoldering looks and tousled hair and whatnot.

Dr. Christian Troy decides to interview surgeons to be his replacement. Dr. Logan Taper, an interior-decoration-obsessed ladies' man who totally rubs Dr. Christian Troy the right way, is his first choice. He is ready to hand the keys to the kingdom to Dr. Logan Taper, who really, REALLY admires the sofa in Dr. Christian Troy's office. Dr. Sean McNamara is of course conflicted and sad--he tries to be nice to the new guy but he doesn't want to face Dr. Christian Troy's imminent demise.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist and conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz have a heart-to-heart and decide that instead of being threatened by each other, they will "share" the job and will be friends. There is some talk of the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist being "bi-curious," and conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is perhaps a bit too eager to explore these issues with her co-worker.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is on the operating table. Dr. Christian Troy announces that a) he's not going to reduce Liz's breasts as much as she wanted and b) this is his last surgery ever. He plans on taking Liz and adorable Wilbur to Italy, where he will eat and "get fat, because who cares?"

The pussy lip lady is recovering from her numerous surgeries when her dying husband brings in an old man carrying a bouquet. It is their family butcher, someone who apparently has been nursing a crush on the lady for years. She is terribly upset that the husband is a) picking out his replacement (a la Dr. Christian Troy) and b) that it is the old butcher.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz checks out her new chest and is shocked to see how large her boobs are. Dr. Christian Troy tells her in front of her mother that he made "an executive decision" to only reduce them enough to relieve her back pain, and then whips out an expensive new wedding dress. The mom is angry and tells Liz that she is in charge of her own body, but Liz is too busy lusting after the dress to care.

The new doctor sets up shop in Dr. Christian Troy's office. He cleans the desk and then bends over and gives it a very lascivious lick. Then he gives that sofa some serious bedroom eyes. "He's going to have sex with that couch!"--I couldn't help but yell at the tv. And he DOES. It is a rather fetching sofa. Of course he gets caught by Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy. The new doctor explains that he is an "objective sexual" (aka "objectum sexual"), which means he falls in love with and is sexually attracted to inanimate objects (there's a documentary out now called Strange Love: Married to the Eiffel Tower which addresses this fascinating topic). Dr. Christian Troy is disgusted! He tells the guy to get out. On the way, Dr. Logan Taper gives a "come hither" look to the gynecological exam table in one of the operating rooms, but sadly the table can't come hither because it is a table.

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz has a wedding shower filled with lesbians and her mother. When one of the gifts is described as having a "lifetime guarantee," Liz starts crying and reveals that Dr. Christian Troy is dying. Her mom has an "ah ha!" moment and is a total bitch to Liz, who lets her mom have it, accusing her of always being overly critical of her looks and personality since childhood, and then bans her from the wedding. Go, Liz!

The pussy lip lady's husband brings another suitor, and this time it's someone younger and I guess more appealing to her than the butcher (who I thought was sweet and could provide her with brisket for free!), because she fairly swoons and walks out with the guy arm-in-arm.

The sofa-screwer has brought a furniture cleaner to sanitize the couch he befouled, which gives him the opportunity to hump the gyno-table when no one is looking!

Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz, adorable Wilbur, and Dr. Christian Troy have a sweet family moment when adorable Wilbur adorably practices being the ring-bearer.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist finds Dr. Sean McNamara looking at old videos of himself, Dr. Christian Troy, and boring Julia in their younger, carefree, more hirsute days. He is sad. The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist comes in and says she'll never leave him, which is an odd thing to say since they don't know each other very well and she's SEXY and DANGEROUS and will most likely get really BORED with Dr. Sean McNamara.

AND SCENE.

Next week on "Nip/Tuck": OMG VAMPIRES! CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! WAMPYRES!

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