Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"Nip/Tuck" Is Becoming "The Brian's Song" Of Trash TV And I Don't Approve

Ack! There was so much so-bad-its-good-or-maybe-just-bad crap on tv last night that my head was spinning. First there was the season finale of "Real Housewives of Orange County," then the premiere of "Real Housewives of New York," and of course another episode of "Nip/Tuck." I can't bring myself to recap the Real Housewives franchise just yet, but let's dive right into the "Nip/Tuck" muck, shall we?

Sadly, it was another dreary downer of an episode. What is up with my stories? Why are "Rock of Love Bus" and "Nip/ Tuck" and even to a certain extent "Real Housewives" (death of Jeff from cancer, Jeana's verbally abusive ex-husband and son, Tamra) all intent on bringing me down? Is it the economy? I'm pretty sure most of them were filmed before the economic collapse, and besides, now is the time we need to be distracted and uplifted!

Anyway, last night's "Nip/Tuck" was the most depressing yet. It starts out ok, if a bit on the silly side, with Dr. Sean McNamara and his SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist going on a date at a restaurant where the lights are off and it's completely dark and the maitre d' is blind and it's supposed to be NAUGHTY and EDGY. I'm surprised they didn't bump into Bret Michaels, because they went to one of these places on "Rock of Love" last season. When Dr. Sean McNamara takes a phone call from his boring ex-wife Julia, the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist leaves in a huff and rides off on her SCARY Harley Davidson, because she thinks Dr. Sean McNamara can't be WILD and doesn't know how to LIVE.

Then we have a Balinese man with that horrible wart disease that makes a person into a "human tree." Troy/McNamara are doing pro bono surgery on him to make his life a little better. The Human Tree is really sweet and sad and lovable and touching, so you know it's not going to end well. When they do the surgery to remove his giant branchy growths, the background music is "I'm Only Human" by The Human League. Which made me giggle and cry at the same time, somehow. Sniff.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist invites Dr. Sean McNamara to her house for lunch and a chance for him to redeem himself for the crime of taking a phone call while on a date in a pitch black restaurant. The house is ginormous and fancy and they start doing it right away in her bedroom. Suddenly we see people entering the house and it's clear that a real estate agent is showing a couple the house, and the SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist admits the house is not hers and she thought it would be "fun" to break in and have sex and LIVE ON THE EDGE. They are caught mid-copulation and avoid arrest only when Dr. Sean McNamara offers to buy the house with "20% down" and says that they are "both doctors," which impresses the real estate agent. DARING!

Ex porn star/ex-fiancee of Dr. Christian Troy/mother of his grandaughter Kimber shows up for more baby collagen injections. She tells Dr. Sean McNamara that it was Dr. Christian Troy who did the original injection and she just took the blame for it so he wouldn't look like a monster. Dr. Sean McNamara asks "how low" Dr. Christian Troy can go, and Dr. Christian Troy is bummed out by his own lack of morality.

In other festive developments, Dr. Christian Troy goes in for a doctor's appointment to see how his breast cancer treatment is going, and it turns out the cancer has spread to his lymph nodes and he's got six months to live. For the second time in two days I say: Boo! Boooo, Death!

Dr. Sean McNamara and his SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist are still trying to live on the WILD SIDE, so they run off to the desert for a vision quest with a Native American shaman, who gives them some kind of potion that allows them to "murder their egos," which apparently means having horrible Human Tree hallucinations and barfing a lot. Fun!

Dr. Christian Troy goes to McNamara/Troy's pharmacy and loads up on a bunch of drugs, apparently so he can off himself. Then he talks a bit with the Human Tree, and his simple faith and human spirit convince Dr. Christian Troy not to commit suicide. Instead, he flies out to propose marriage to conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz in Miami without mentioning his prognosis. She accepts.

More surgeries on the Human Tree. Dr. Sean McNamara has flashbacks from the shaman juice that force him to stop participating in the operation. EDGY!

Liz figures out that Dr. Christian Troy is dying when she discovers the missing drugs from the pharmacy. She realizes that he only proposed so he wouldn't die alone and would have someone taking care of him. She throws the ring in his face and storms off.

The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist tries to get Dr. Sean McNamara to do it in the candle-lit operating room of McNamara/Troy while high on nitrous gas, which Dr. Sean McNamara rightly points out is a fire hazard and he finally admits he can't change his careful surgeon-y ways and doesn't want to constantly defend them or force himself to become a different person. The SEXY and DANGEROUS anesthesiologist takes her leave, DANGEROUSLY.

Dr. Christian Troy finally tells Dr. Sean McNamara that he's dying, and Dr. Sean McNamara says he "didn't have to get married" in order to "not be alone" at the end, ie, that Dr. Sean McNamara would be there for him. They smoke fancy "pre-embargo" Cuban cigars.

Conflicted lesbian nurse Liz decides to marry Dr. Christian Troy after all and starts to plan their wedding.

Dr. Christian Troy comes in to check on a misty-eyed and somber Human Tree. It is soon apparent that the warts have already started to re-grow and mulitply.


THANKS A LOT, "NIP/TUCK." Why must you bring me down so? Why?

Next week: Dr. Christian Troy interviews replacements for himself, and the guy he picks is very like him in more ways than one. Please-oh-please let there be some kind of insane manwhore competition! "Nip/Tuck" needs to get back to its crazed ridiculous shocking roots!


Anonymous said...

The real-life tree wart guy upsets me SO VERY much that I couldn't even look at the tv version of him. I hate Nip/Tuck for doing that story line. I miss the bygone days of sexy tranny life coaches and teenage neo-Nazis.

Terri R.

jennifer said...

I hear you, sister.

Anonymous said...

I, too, was upset by the Tree Man story line. Having watched 3 straight hours of Tree Man's story on TLC, I feel especially sensitive about his story. The docs just start snipping away at his warty appendages with glorified hedge clippers!


Tanya B

Anonymous said...

Wow, Jennifer!

You're retelling of Nip/Tuck far surpasses the original airing. Thank you for being so dedicated. I think you should do a spoken word series at your store. You rock for watching trash tv so we don't have to.


The Paisley Umbrella

Anonymous said...

YOUR retelling, that is. Bad wrting means either more sleep or a few beers now.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe the whole final season will be about Christian dying. Sorry, there's just no way.
It's bad enough that the show will be over after season six, they don't need to go out with death!!!
It would be more interesting to see Christian make a bunch of life changing decision based on his impending death, and then find out he's not dying after all.