Tuesday, February 17, 2009


(all images via VH1)

The ennui and existential crises on "Rock of Love Bus" reached a new crescendo on Sunday night, with Death itself making an emotional connection with Bret Michaels. Boo! Boo, Death! You, like Bret, are so killing my buzz, man.

First things first. The skanktestants are informed that their next stop is Nashville, TN, which causes Meadow Soprano-lookalike/country yokel Mindy to dance some kind of "Hee-Haw"-style jig. She will need her energy, though, because the challenge is the dreaded Mud Bowl, during which the girls must play football in skimpy outfits in a giant field of mud. Like pudding wrestling, but more degrading! How degrading, you ask? Well, the water for the mud is provided by the local fire department, who apparently hire a lot of aging geezers who give me the skeeves real bad, and Bret announces to the teams that the firemen are "gonna take their love hoses and spatter you with love mud." That's how degrading. The MVP gets to go on a romantic dream date with Bret, of course.

During the Mud Bowl, we see the usual blood, guts, and bad football, but with the added twist that Mindy's tiny pantaloons get yanked off her body and she still makes a touchdown. Hello, MVP! Ashley is fit to be tied.

The date is a romantic getaway to beautiful Fort Worth, TX where Bret is performing at romantic, dreamy Billy Bob's. Mindy, perhaps trying to put a more glamorous spin on things, refers to Billy Bob's as being in the "Dallas/Fort Worth area." Nice try, Mindy. That place is deep in the udder of Cowtown--just give in to the magic! Then Mindy, who might be a girl after my own heart after all, gets into the Billy Bob's spirit by eating an alarmingly large corn dog.

Mindy practically pees her pants when Bret introduces her to some guy backstage as his "girlfriend." Uh, Mindy, I hate to break this to you but I'm pretty sure he sees the entire cast as his collective "girlfriend." Being a contestant on "Rock of Love" is like being a comrade in Stalinist Russia--there's no individualism, no unmonitored phone calls, and no one notices if you disappear into a vodka bottle. Back at the hotel, Mindy rewards Bret with some spectacularly tacky lingerie and they appear to retire to his boudoir to do it, although you never know what goes on behind closed doors. But I'm pretty sure they did it.

Mindy gets flown back to Nashville, where the other girls try to pretend like she didn't spend the night with Bret. In the mean time, Bret receives bad news: A friend has been killed in Iraq. Now, this is a tragic and terrible event, but for a minute or two he acts like this is a friend he's known for years, perhaps since childhood; later we find out the dead soldier was someone he met a few times while entertaining the troops for three weeks in Iraq. I'm sorry, call me cold-hearted, but it's not quite the same thing. Awesomely, he sends an autographed photo of himself to the dead soldier's children. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

The rest of the winning team go on a group date with Bret, but he's not feeling festive, because of his recently deceased buddy. He totally brings down the mood of the date and the show and the audience, and we and the skanktestants are sad and confused.

Bret decides once again that he must try and break through the defenses of Our Lady of the Pierced Dimples, Brittanya, and takes her aside for some alone time. Unfortunately, Bret is unable to accept the sad fact that Brittanya has no defenses, no thoughts in her head and absolutely nothing to say. So they make out in an extremely disgusting manner.

It turns out that new girl Jenny is also going through some mourning, because her father died seemingly days before she hopped on the Love Bus. Another cast member actually says that her dad "would have wanted" her to go on the show. Yes, every father's fondest hope is that one day his beloved daughter will whore herself on national television. Unwisely, she decides to "bond" with Bret over their shared grief. Not a good idea, Jenny!

Jenny deals with her grief by putting on a terrible, terrible hat.

Elimination time: In a stunning disregard of protocol (or perhaps a searing indictment of Mindy's skills in the bedroom) Mindy does not get the first pass of the night, despite having totally done it with Bret! Instead, Taya, the Penthouse Pet, gets pas numero uno for reasons unknown. Mindy does get the second pass, and also the oh-so-chivalrous comment from Bret that "we popped a lot of virgin territory, didn't we?" Ugh. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm pretty certain that beyotchy Ashley is incorrect in assuming it means Mindy is/was a 34 year-old virgin. I think it means she did some things with Bret Michaels she'd never done before. Things I never, ever want to visualize.

It gets down to Brittanya, for being a dimwit/mute; Jenny, for not being very cute and giving Bret the perfect out for her elimination (the old "you need to be in a better place and deal with your issues" trick); and Kelsey, for being a Mormon (I assume). Of course it is Jenny whose tour ends here. Never give Bret an out, you little fool! Have you never watched this show?

Jenny, we hardly knew ye.

Next week: Some sort of lesbian shenanigans behind a carny ride, someone (Mindy?) collapses in a drunken heap in the middle of a road, and Big John tries and fails to get the contestants to not act slutty or whore-y! (Big John, please. Would you ask a rose not to smell? Would you ask the sky not to be blue? Would you ask a stone to be soft? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?)

1 comment:

miss wind said...

i'm thinkin' that virgin territory may have something to do with a penis pump....