Whew! Last night's "Nip/Tuck" threw so much crazy crap at me that it's hard to get my lil' mind around what exactly happened!
First up, Felt Up fave rave emeritus Jennifer Coolidge shows up again as Candy Richards, star of "Hearts & Scalpels" and newly-identified African-American. Yes, Candy has taken a DNA test and discovered her black roots, so she has started a rap career as "Hot Coco" and needs Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy to put implants into her rear so she'll have more junk in her trunk. During the surgery, we see the video for Hot Coco's new single, "Yo Stank":
For some reason, we are cruelly cheated of seeing Hot Coco's post-op J. Lo ass.
Dr. Sean McNamara convinces Dr. Christian Troy to attend a breast cancer support group, where he tells all the women they need to "take control of their destinies" and have breast reconstruction surgery, or no man will ever desire them again. He is a straight talker! He calls it like he sees it! He wears sunglasses at night! He also picks up a hot, sexy, clearly deranged lady who after doing it with him while "Save A Prayer" by Duran Duran plays awesomely on the soundtrack begs him to remove her healthy breasts because her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She admits she has tested negative for the BCRA gene that causes breast/ovarian cancer, but is adamant that he take 'em off.
In the mean time, Dr. Sean McNamara's ex-wife's girlfriend Olivia wants him to perform a face lift on her because she's aged so much taking care of Julia after her devious sloot daughter Eden shot her in the face. She also informs him that she and Julia are moving to New York in three weeks; he is extremely peeved at this news.
Dr. Christian Troy is about to do the double mastectomy on his support group lady, but conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz talks him out of it and suggests the woman get therapy instead. When she wakes up and finds her boobs still attached, the lady is very very upset. How upset, you ask? Oh, JUST WAIT.
Conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz is confused after doing it with Dr. Christian Troy last week, because she enjoyed it so much. She goes on a date with a male anesthesiologist she met at a conference; on their way out a bong-smoking Dr. Christian Troy calls out, "She's a lesbian!"
Dr. Sean McNamara peels back Olivia's face during her surgery and goes into a fantasy sequence where a peeled-face Olivia speaks to him and says that he really wants to kill her; he comes to just in time to deal with Olivia going into cardiac arrest. Olivia dies. Julia screams to Dr. Sean McNamara that he killed her on purpose and she will never ever forgive him and will do everything to end his career if it turns out that there's proof she died because of him!
Turns out Olivia was secretly on anti-depressants, which she neglected to tell conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz, which caused her death, not Dr. Sean McNamara's murderous jealousy.
The breast cancer support group lady who wanted the mastectomy shows up at McNamara/Troy's office, takes out some kind of turkey cutter, pulls up her blouse and HACKS OFF HER BREAST IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WAITING ROOM. Dr. Christian Troy rushes her into surgery; conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz apologizes for not letting Dr. Christian Troy perform the original surgery that the crazed maniac wanted in the first place. I think THEY ARE ALL INSANE. The lady should have been rushed to the nut house instead! Oh, "Nip/Tuck," how far will you go to shock and disgust? 'Tis the reason I love you so...
At Dr. Christian Troy's house, we see conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz saying goodnight to Wilbur, the most adorable child who ever graced a tv show. He wants to know if she'll be there in the morning for him. She and Dr. Christian Troy discuss Wilbur's request, which leads to her admitting that her date with the other anesthesiologist did not go well, that she is a lesbian for everyone except Dr. Christian Troy, that there is something special about him. And then Dr. Christian Troy admits the same to her! Not that he's a lesbian, but that he knows she is there for him more than any woman he knows and he trusts her. And they decide to try and be a couple for Wilbur's sake! And walk into his bedroom arm-in-arm! OMG!
Finally, boring ole Julia is telling Dr. Sean McNamara that she plans on taking Olivia's ashes to New York and scatter them at The Cloisters, but then Olivia's devious sloot daughter Eden shows up out of the blue, lies that Olivia probably purposely didn't tell them about the anti-depressants so that she would die on the operating table because she she felt guilty--for shooting Julia! What a conniving little wench! Then she throws Olivia's ashes all over Julia and Dr. Sean McNamara!
Next time on "Nip/Tuck": Trouble in paradise already as conflicted lesbian anesthesiologist Liz can't tolerate Dr. Christian Troy's philandering ways and the return of genius wunderkind/comic relief Raj, who is asked to perform a penis enlargement--on his own father! Ha ha ha!