Monday, January 12, 2009
Veil of Tears
I wondered how "Rock of Love Bus" would possibly top last week's Vagina Shot heard 'round the world, and the answer is....with a big bunch of CRAZY.
Throughout this episode, former porn star/current nutty nutball Brittaney opines, wails, sobs, cries, and generally just carries on about her immense, deep, eternal, non-reciprocated love for Bret Michaels, whom she has known for approximately five minutes, on a bus, while 14 strippers constantly cavort in his lap and make out with him. She and Bret are going to "fly away on the wings of their love and make the world a better place." I am something of an amateur psychologist, and I believe I can correctly diagnose her with a rather serious case of kook-a-look-itis. It may be fatal, at least to Bret Michaels, because she is well on her way to being the Bruce Jeffrey Pardo of the Rock of Love bus. Watch your back, Bret!
The challenge this week is to dress up in Slooty McWhore "bridal" outfits and write fake wedding vows for, bestow gifts upon, and titillate the hell out of Bret Michaels. O holy, sacred bonds of marriage! How shall we wither thee more? What more outrages can we heap upon ye? Bret attends his faux nuptials in--what else?-- ladies' jeans and a tuxedo-print t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. He does not disappoint!
Naturally, crazy stalker Brittaney takes the fake vows waaaay too seriously and writes a five page opus that makes Bret, and the entire tv viewing audience, squirm. She thinks she nailed it and will win the challenge and thus a beautiful, enchanting four-way date with Bret that will lead to an eternal flame of love that will never be extinguished. She is deranged.
The majority of the skanktestants know that this gig calls for cleavage, lingerie, and vows that promise things like never wearing panties (Brazilian hotchacha Marcia) or letting Bret "hit it from behind" (southern sloot Farrah); holier-than-thou Penthouse Pet Taya plays her cards right and hands over framed centerfold photos of herself and the lingerie she wore while posing for said picture spread. And I do mean spread. Tomboy Beverly takes a chance and refuses to don the hooker gear and instead wears her jeans and a motocross jersey, plus she brings Bret a helmet or something. It's a bold move, but will shared interests and down-to-earthness be able to compete with exposed boobage and promises of dirty slut sex? I think you know the answer!
Dark-haired, dimple-pierced Brittanya, who cannot stop talking about her lack of intelligence (four times in two episodes!), is smart enough to give Bret the gift of her genital piercing. Don't knock yourself so much, Brittanya. You have skank smarts, which is more than most people.
So the winners are unsurprisingly Farrah, Taya, and Brittanya. Crazy stalker Brittaney is bereft. BEREFT, I say. She flees to the bus and starts a' sobbin' about the unfairness of it all, and is roundly mocked by the other non-winners. She keens into her pillow of sadness: "Am I not good enough?" which is listed in the The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy as one of the early signs of BATSH*T CRAZY STALKER TALK. Run, Bret Michaels! Pack up your wigs and run like the wind!
The buses roll into some kind of poor man's version of the Madonna Inn, with "fantasy honeymoon suites," like a spaceship room and one with a pink Cadillac parked in it. Bret and Big John are hosting an ersatz wedding reception outside, with a luau theme. The girls proceed to get dizrunk and peform ever-more-alarming lap dances for Bret. In the midst of this, sadsack madwoman Brittaney decides to show Bret that she is more than just poetry and epic wedding vows and tears and insanity; she's also fun and "gymnastic." So she puts on a bikini that is about 10 sizes too small (which prompts terrible beyotch Ashley to charmingly remark: "I didn't even know they made bikinis in size Fat F*ck.") and goes all "Tears of A Clown" on us, trying to be FUN! FUN! FUN! and FESTIVE! GOOD TIMES! by doing handstands with her crotch in Bret's face. It's like watching the burning of the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity, indeed.
The party gets moved indoors, where they have a general knowledge contest called "Are You Smarter Than A Rock Star?" and although Bret is no Stephen Hawking, I'm going to go ahead and say NO, they are not. The winners get all-access passes to spend time with Bret, of course. The contest features math ("If Bret has 16 groupies on a bus, three get drunk and pass out, how many menage-a-trois can he have?”) and trick questions that a kindergartner would be able to figure out, so of course the girls fail miserably. Brittanya, again underestimating her own cunning, decides to just make out with Bret, and she wins a pass, as do Natasha (for wearing the tiniest gold lame bikini ever seen outside of a Disco Slut Barbie collection) and Taya, for getting two answers right and being a Penthouse Pet.
The ladies retire to their frightening theme rooms, but insane in the membrane Brittaney starts having a total fit because she didn't win a pass and shrieks at Natasha that she won only because she's black. Natasha, who aspires to be a madam running a prostitution ring some day, is not one to be trifled with. She gets right in Brittaney's crazy face and they scream at each other, and Natasha calls Brittaney a racist, and Brittaney responds that she cannot possibly be a racist because her grandfather was a "beautiful black man" and we see her lose what's left of her tiny mind right before our very eyes. She returns to the solace of her space pod and wails into her space sheets.
The winners of the wedding challenge get their dreamy dream date with Bret, and it involves a hay ride and a picnic because Bret is all into Americana, or something. The girls look like aliens from planet Ho that have been dropped into the bucolic setting:
Taya hogs the conversation, telling Bret about her admiration for James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt (Taya is apparently a 60-year-old Penthouse Pet); Brittanya uses her contest-won pass to butt in to the tete-a-tete and make out with Bret. That girl is sharp as a tack, at least in terms of knowing what makes Bret tick.
Oh, and right about here we learn that former enemies Marcia and her choking victim Ashley have realized they are soul mates and bffs! They celebrate by getting hammered.
Bret has alone bus time with some of the ladies, and we see Melissa once again bitch about how she should be sent home because she can't take competing with other girls for Bret's love (she pulled this same stunt on the premiere), and you'd think he would take her up on it because she is totally being a drag, but then they make out so who knows? Then Constandina, the very special nut from "the foothills of the Appalachian mountains" who belly dances and wants to goddess touch Bret, foolishly admits that she has taken a vow to not have "all-the-way sex" for three years. Bret, who is not interested in "part-of-the-way sex" is understandibly disturbed by this news. And of course koo doo for coco puffs Brittaney has to tell Bret that the other girls, especially Natasha, are ganging up on her "for no reason." The producers are now editing all of her scenes with scary horror movie music to emphasize her murderous stalker potential, in case we hadn't already figure that out. Kudos, VH1, for your subtle manipulations!
Elimination time. Bret divides the final six contestants into two groups: the freaks and the geeks. On the freak side, we have Brazilian party girl Marcia, psycho Brittaney, and Melissa the Drag; the geeks are semi-celibate/fully-whacked-out Constandina, dull animal trainer Megan, and borderline anorexic Samantha . Of course he keeps the freaks around a bit longer, so the geeks' tour ends here. Constandina, I feel robbed that we did not get to see you work your magical Appalachian hoodoo on Bret's chakras, but perhaps we shall meet again in another life, on another astral plane. Or at least on "I Love Money 3."
Next week: The return of Lacey, skanks!