Monday, January 05, 2009

Rock of Love 3: Return of the King

Happy New Year, skanks!

If you're like me, you are recovering from all the holiday debauchery---that is, if you define "debauchery" as two weeks of endless back-to-back viewings of the Queen Latifah-thinks-she's-dying-and-goes-skiing movie Last Holiday, the Antonio Banderas-keeps-far-away-from-wife-Melanie Griffith-by-teaching-ballroom-dancing-to-inner-city-youth-including-Ya Ya-from-"America's Next Top Model" movie Take The Lead, not to mention 500 airings of Elf, all while trying to keep warm without the benefit of a Snuggie or even a Slanket--and what better way to clear out the old 2008 cobwebs than with a bracing cold bucket of Rock of Love 3: Love Bus?

In case you missed last night's premiere, Bret Michaels promised that this is the final installment of the series, which I believe about as much as I believe his sideburns are real. The gimmick this time around is that the skanktestants are going to follow Bret around on his North American Tour of Sadness. Huzzah!

We meet the girls, who must divide themselves into the Pink Bus (blonde hoochies!) and the Blue Bus (brunette sadsacks!) and I must say that if I thought they scraped the bottom of the grotesque barrel the first two seasons, I was greatly underestimating the slimy, moss-covered depths of that barrel.

Standouts include Constandina, who likes to belly dance, is from the foothills of Appalachia, wears a jewel on her "third eye," and wonders if Bret has "ever been touched by the goddess"; nutty, needy Brittaney (AKA Jasmineva on the VH1 website), whom Bret recognizes from her days as a porn star; and "sexy tomboy" Beverly, who gets into a cup-throwing fight after she is mocked for wearing sensible boots and not clear lucite 8-inch platform shoes.

The grossest and thus awesomest of the lot is Nikki, AKA DJ Lady Tribe, who in terms of classiness makes Daisy De La Hoya look like Dame Judi Dench. Nikki has the pneumatic fake boobs and lips that recall a latter-day Amanda Lepore, except less professional, less realistically female, and more on drugs. She insists that "all the drugs" she's on are "legal," which I doubt is true, at least in the western hemisphere. Seriously, she could not stand up for most of the episode, and was teetering around so much on her stripper heels during the elimination that I feared she might topple over and start a Rube Goldberg-esque chain reaction, with fake boobs and fake lips and fake hair exploding everywhere.

Nikki, we hardly knew ye.

Early in the episode, Nikki, being multi-faceted, peforms a rap for Bret and reads her mad lyrical stylings from the back of STD information sheets, like "Gonnorhea and You" and "GENITAL HERPES," much to Bret's horror and the world's delight:

Later she took part in a tableau that was apparently too shocking to be aired on VH1, but which involved par-tay girl supreme Gia as she was lying pantiless with her knees up on the bar in some sad Louisville club for the sad after-party following Bret's sad show. Nikki inserts a shot glass into Gia's exposed cooch, as one might, and then I'm pretty sure that Nikki drinks from the shot glass. Especially since Gia's nickname henceforth is "Vagina Shot." Even Bret seems appalled, albeit in a bemused way. Forget the moon landing, forget the last episode of "M.A.S.H.", forget Checkers, forget the L.B.J. daisy ad, forget "Who shot J.R.?"--this was the greatest moment in the history of television.

Gia, upright. For now.

The big drama this episode was between Marcia, the Brazillian bimbopalooza and only brunette on the "Blondetourage" pink bus, and Ashley, Mistress of the Odd Eye Make-Up, who simply take an instant dislike to each other and quickly end up throwing food and beverages on each other's heaving bosoms. Later, after Marcia downs several hundred tequila shots, barfs up her Dorito dinner, and makes out with Bret (who is not as repulsed by her vomit breath as he should be--I guess repetition breeds familiarity), she gets into another fight with Ashley and it ends with Marcia "choking out" Ashley. Marcia threatens to take her leave, but Bret soothes her troubled soul and then goes to a freaked-out Ashley and chills her right out. Bret is the skank whisperer.

Marcia, the Brazilian wax job.

Elimination! Bret conveys the "urgency" of this tour to the ladies (he sounds like he's talking about the bombing of Gaza rather than a reality dating show), which means he is going to eliminate 5 girls right away. He lists off 7 names, which one contestant correctly describes as "one hot mess after another," but in a twist, it's the 13 girls who aren't on the list who get to stay the bus and rock Bret's world. The 7 hot messes are on the chopping block, and Gia, Nikki, Marcia, and Ashley are all in danger!

Ashley, hitching her way to the black eye makeup counter.

In the end, he picks the brawlers (Marica, Ashley) over the hos (Gia, Nikki), and it is humankind's loss. I had high hopes for the escalating madness that Gia and Nikki would bring to the tour (the first 10 minutes alone were like the Fall of Saigon), but alas, we have been denied our just due by Bret Michaels and must console ourselves with the previews showing prostrate girls sobbing drunk in the middle of the road.

Yes, we can!


Anonymous said...

Skank Whisperer. Heh! Perhaps that can be Bret's next series.

Also, I don't think I like you sullying the LOTR trilogy by mixing it up with Rock of Love. There are hobbits and there are skanks and never shall they cross paths!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as always! The cartoonishly gargantuan boobs flop right off the page... The stench of skankariffic "perfume" attacks the senses as it permeates through the monitor... The garish eye make-up confuses and confounds... There is really no need to watch the show as long as we've got your insights and interpretation! We, your loyal readers, owe you a great debt of gratitude!

~ Spare E

Anonymous said...

i also have been pining for the snuggie...alas, i don't believe in santa anymore