Monday, January 26, 2009

A Kiss From A Hose

(all images via VH1)

I know, I know: Beverly is the least hose-baggy of the contestants. But, like her, I just couldn't help myself! Last night's "Rock of Love Bus" had a lot of twists and turns and what-have-yous. Let's dive right into the muck, shall we?

Right off the bat, there is drama, as Maria, who never misses an opportunity to let us know that she is an "ex-model," has some kind of medical condition that puts her in the hospital and off the show. Perhaps she has "Joker"-itis? Bret Michaels talks to her on her phone and she tells him that they couldn't draw her blood because Bret has her heart, which is kind of a creepy thing to say. Bret says he will go against hospital orders and pay her a visit, because he is a rock-n-roll rebel and no nurse is going to keep him away! Also, apparently he needs to return her heart. STAT.

In the mean time, the ladies have been told they are on their way to Chicago, where they should be "dressed to impress," which in skank language means "sluttiest stripper-wear imaginable." Several of the girls are wearing so little that they either get their naughty bits blurred or simply have a floating black box over their nether regions.

The challenge takes place inside a club in a casino. It is a "roadie challenge," where they have to break down Bret's sad ole set and load it all into vans. You know right away somebody is going to get hurt. I find it odd that this show devises so many physical challenges--I would much rather watch them take an IQ test or have to compose a song or sew a stage costume for Bret than do all these borderline-sadistic challenges where they wear skimpy clothing and have the potential to get seriousy injured. The girls choose guitar picks, and Marcia the Brazlian gets an extra-special pick that means she automatically gets VIP status and doesn't have participate in the challenge. Awesomely, Marcia is wearing her black veil from the Wedding Vow Challenge, and her top is unable to cover her Brazillian bazooms:

She has also been drunk since--well, I'm not sure if she has ever not been drunk during this show. Bret has some alone time with her, and she tells him that she doesn't love him because she barely knows him. Which is a sane, rational thing to point out; however, we all know there is no place for sane and rational on this show.

During the roadie challenge, Taya, the Penthouse Pet, perhaps being punished by the gods for her incredibly tacky outfit, falls HARD off the stage and hits her leg in a really alarming way on the side of the stage. They show her falling five or six times, in slow-mo. It is stomach-turning viewing, let me tell you. Rather than seek medical treatment, she decides to tough it out and continue unloading the equipment while sobbing and throwing a pain-induced hissyfit. Her teammates are not sympathetic to her plight.

Despite the heroic efforts of a vinyl-n-eyelet-clad Penthouse Pet, the other team wins the challenge and thus get VIP treatment for the night's show. The losing team members, thoroughly demoralized, sit glumly and eat chips. Then Bret arrives with a last chance for one of the losers to win--he hands out cell phones, and the one who calls a number and hears a special ringtone gets to ditch her team and join the winners. Kelsey the barely legal Mormon wins, much to Taya's and Mindy's chagrin. Mindy is totally dejected and pretty much just gives up all hope for ever spending time with Bret and slides down a sad spiral of glumness and despair. Hey, we've all been there. However, this is no way to win a reality dating show! Man up, Mindy!

The winning team receive some kind of engraved bracelets from the very bottom of Bret's heart. What could be more romantic than receiving a bulk gift? The show starts and the losers have to go stand back by the sound board, while the winners dance around in incredibly whorish costumes on stage. Somehow, despite the lights and the distance, they are all able to make out that Mindy is acting the sadsack and not shaking her moneymaker like the rest of them. Also, Marcia sees some superfans of Bret in the front row and generously (and stupidly) decides to give them the group love bracelet she received earlier from Bret.

The show leaves Bret tuckered out, so the girls and the rest of his band party hardy in the casino bar. Beverly, hitherto the most grounded-seeming of the bunch, gets waaasted and flirts with the be-mohawked drummer of Bret's band, and Ashley catches her giving him a kiss. Ashley screams to anyone who will listen that Beverly "made out" with the drummer. Beverly seems to have been in a blackout and instantly has no memory of the event. She confronts Ashley, who is even drunker than Beverly, but all Ashley will say to any question is "I wanna cheeseburger." What did you see, Ashley? "I don't care, I want a cheeseburger." Did you see Beverly make out with the drummer? "I'm not here for you. I want a cheeseburger." And who can blame her? Ashley pukes about ten times in and out and around the casino.

The next day the winners go on their dream date with Bret, to a microbrewery. Hair o' the pup for the ladies! Ashley CANNOT WAIT to tell Bret about Beverly's indiscretion with the drummer. Beverly is unable to explain her actions, except to say that she can't remember any of them. Bret is peeved. Ashley is stoked. Bret is also not happy to learn that Marcia gave away the bracelet he specially gave her and six others. To her face, he acts like she is "awesome" to be so generous with his fans, but to the camera he says that it is the opposite of awesome. It is, in fact, unawesome.

Elimination time. The bottom three are Mindy, for being a downer and throwing Bret off his "emotional game" at his show; Marcia, for being a drunken party girl who may or may not know Bret's name; and Beverly, for slutting it up with his band. In a very dramatique move, Bret tells Big John to take away the last two remaining passes, indicating that all three are about to be eliminated. But, noooooo. It's just a bunch of hoo-ha. He keeps Mindy and Beverly and the tour ends here for Marcia, who is too drunk to care. We will miss you and your tequila-swilling, tiny-thong-wearing ways, Marcia. May you win "I Love Money 3" and keep yourself in tequila and black veils for many years to come...


Anonymous said...

While I am not watching this particular season of Rock of Love, I am still enjoying your recaps. Except that reading about this show is sort of making me sad I have a vagina.

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

oh my, it's been a while since i visited your blog, I'm SO GLAD to see that your following ROL(B) again. it's almost better than the show