Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hos On Ice

(all images via VH1)

I have mixed feelings about this episode of "Rock of Love Bus." Sure, we got to see some truly nutty behavior from certifiable former porn star Brittaney. But it wasn't fun nutty--'twas sad, sad nutty. And yes, we got to see the ladies try to ice skate; but they seemed to be getting truly injured whenever they fell down in their skimpy uniforms. And, sure, Bret Michaels did indeed take some of the contestants on a romantic dream date at a strip club, but then he made one of the girls very uncomfortable by insisting she was no fun if she refused to get up and act like a skank in public. SIGH. Whassa goin' on, "Rock of Love Bus"?

Let's get to the fun parts. The ladies are going to ride their buses to fabulous Champaign, Illinois! Lots of confusion ensues amongst the less-intelligent contestants about the town vs. the sparkling wine. Who cares? Yee-ha, bitches!

The contest this week is another version of the "Baby Bret Bowl" from last season, when they glue a bandanna and a blonde wig on a doll and the girls have to protect it during a physically challenging game. This time it's ICE HOCKEY. Out barrels Lacey with her trademark, "What's up, skanks?" which never seems to get old, unlike Lacey.

The contestants are divided into teams--black, blue, and pink. Wily tomboy Beverly pretends that she cannot skate at all, but not one of the other ladies picks up on her ruse, despite her being the most athletic person on the show, so she is chosen dead last.

During the match, which is played against the extremely well-padded-and-helmuted women's hockey team from the local university, the Rock of Lovelies fall down a lot and it is rather alarming to see their bare upper bodies scraping and banging along the ice. Natasha gets some kind of concussion from her head slamming down on the ice, and Melissa thinks she might have "popped" one of her breast implants after a fall. Ouch!

Natasha is down. REPEAT. NATASHA IS DOWN!

Of course Beverly scores the winning goal for her team and they win an "amazingly hot" date with Bret! OMG! The other teams are peeved that they were outsmarted by the cunning of Beverly. Of course, a sea slug could outmaneuver these ladies, but it's still delightful to behold their confusion and anger.

The losers head back to a hotel via the buses, and some of them decide to rummage through craaaazy Brittaney's bunk because they swear it smells "like pee." The odor turns out to be stashed food and the sweaty socks they wore during the hockey game. When confronted, Brittaney at first denies that she took anything at all and acts like this is simply more "catfightery," but then later interviews that she had "permission" to gather up the socks from rink officials. Which just makes me depressed, because as I said before, this is not fun, festive skank kookiness. Stealing and stashing sweaty used socks bespeaks some kind of sad mental illness, and it is BRINGING ME DOWN, MAN.

In the mean time, the winners arrive at their amazingly hot romantic dream date at Bret's favorite midwestern strip club, Big Al's. Maria, the tall Joker-lookalike lady who constantly says she "used to be a model" is certainly dressed for the occasion in some kind of bondage-y stripper dress cut down to the navel with chains that attach her wrists to her neck. It is beyond vulgar. Huzzah!

Brittaney and Melissa, while not totally psyched, throw themselves onto the pole (and each other) with gusto. Poor ole Beverly is just not feeling it, for some reason. She stands there, frowning, while the other three go through their well-honed gyrations. Now, she probably should at least have attempted to smile or look like she was enjoying herself if she wants to stay in this contest, but I have to say that if I was forced to get on a tittie bar stage and dance around and possibly take my clothes off during a date, I might be a little glum myself.

Bret told Beverly: "You're here to party. GO!"

Bret takes her to a back room for some one-on-one FACE TIME and Beverly explains that she has three kids and doesn't want anything to cause them to get teased at school, which is a very valid concern. To her face, Bret is all "oh, I have two daughters, I know what you mean," but to the camera later he says that she is being a "buzz kill."

Now, Bret Michaels has been many things over these past two and half seasons of "Rock of Love"--tongue kisser, lover, "singer," drinker, eater, talker, sufferer of diabetes, connoisseur of wigs, wearer of terrible clothing. But until this moment, I didn't think he was an awful person. A person completely lacking in taste in all aspects of life? Yes. A manchild who deep down wants a boyfriend with breasts? Yes. A baldy whose bandannas fool no one? YES. But he has also displayed humor and humanity, and is usually not a total dumbass, douche, or tool. (Oh, don't get me started on my love of VH1's new show "Tool Academy." All I can say is Bravo, VH1! BRAVO! But I digress.) However, in this scene with Beverly he crosses a line into dickdom. Yes, I'm sorry: DICKDOM. It's just a dick thing to do. I felt bad for Beverly (as bad as I can for someone participating in a Bret Michaels dating reality contest show on a bus, that is). Even insane former porn star Brittaney and trout-mouthed Melissa are kind of sad that this is how they spent their date with Bret. Only Maria seems to looooove being up on the stage.

Later, back at the hotel, some of the skantestants are awakened by someone--it turns out to be I-popped-my-freaking-implant Melissa--talking to her apparent boyfriend on an illegal cell phone about not liking Bret as a person, how old Bret looks, and most damning of all, how Bret's hair is "fake." Why Melissa does all this is a loud enough voice that everyone can hear her, I have no idea. The next day, while Melissa is getting her popped implant examined by a doctor, Farrah and Ashley do their duty and tell Bret everything they heard, wisely focusing on the fake hair allegations.

Bret talks to Melissa privately and tells her that she has put him on a bipolar roller coaster ride without ever even having sex with him! Melissa lies outright when confronted about the call and says she doesn't have a phone and never made a phone call. As Farrah would say: What the French, lady? Do these idiots even realize that they are on a tv show and that they are being FILMED?

Elimination time. Bret is PISSED. He angrily calls Melissa "a player" with a boyfriend and repeats his tried-and-true joke about using "the finest European hair extensions" that money can buy and then tells her to "get the f*ck out," much to the other girls' (and a nation's) delight. Melissa exits gracefully, shooting both fingers at Bret and the remaining contestants.

Melissa, we hardly knew ya.

Oddly, this apparently does not count as an elimination, as Bret continues to tell each girl whether or not she can continue to rock his world. It gets down to poor loony tunes Brittaney and poor non-whore Beverly, but in the end even the pleading and crying of an army of VH1 producers is not enough to keep Brittaney on the love bus, and her tour ends here. Bon voyage, crazy lady. Ye and your ginormous bazooms shall be missed. I hope you receive immediate psychiatric care.

Next week: Will Bret redeem himself in my eyes through a bold act of romantic chivalry? DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.


Anonymous said...

I think they need to "eliminate" Farah, just so we don't have to hear, "What the French?" ever again. Funny how she keeps spouting these hillbilly alternatives to swear words, and yet occasionally they bleep what she's saying because, clearly, she's not a genteel as she wants us to think she is. Unless, of course, it's one of the other skanks yelling over the top of her. Even the likable ones are delusional and stupid. I thought the former Penthouse girl was likeable, until she started spouting off about her "connection" to Bret. Give me a break, man. I hope they're being forced to be that stupid. Otherwise it's just really sad.

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