Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Danzig

Wowza. The Fun Fun Fun Festival was last weekend here in Austin, and the American-Statesman has this newsflash about headliner Danzig and his extremely devoted fandom:

This communique and photo from Transmission Entertainment honcho Graham Williams, fresh from this weekend’s Fun Fun Fun Fest, gets today’s Needs No Setup or Intro award. Take it away, sir:

danzig.jpg
Hello my friends…. This was too unreal and kinda hilarious to keep on my computer as wallpaper, so here is the photographic evidence, but last night at the end of Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, some girl definitely DID run up to the stage and pour her dead friend’s ashes on the spot where Glen Danzig was standing on stage, as “this was her last dying wish.” No disrespect to any of the awesome bands that played my festival, but I didn’t see anyone do that when Kevin Barnes left the Of Montreal stage. I’m just saying…some people have a special kind of fan. I think I DID see a dreadlock fly by GZA during “Liquid Swords,” but I digress….
Weirder still is that it’s probably an even money bet that this type of thing has happened to Danzig more than once before.
OK, Felt Up has a few questions:

1) Who was this awesome girl and what did she die of? Sure, it's none of my business, but that's beside the point.

2) What was Danzig's reaction? Or had he already left the stage? Does this happen so often that he has an "ash technician"?

3) Why didn't she pour the ashes ON Danzig himself?

4) Who is going to pour your humble Felt Up blogette's ashes on Liza Minelli?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Felt Up EXCLUSIVE! Fresh News From the Quaids Frontline


(image via aarontodd)

Except for a recent wee tidbit about crazy old Randy Quaid and his nutso wife Evi getting unsuccessfully extradited from Texas to California to face "defrauding an innkeeper" charges, there has been a woeful lack of Quaids Crisis news of late. There has been such a dearth that I have been forced to read about crap like this.

So imagine my delight when a) a little bird sent me this super-hot tip from deep in the heart of Crazy Quaidsville, USA and b) I realized that I could say the phrase "Felt Up can report EXCLUSIVELY" that a mutual friend of mine and the bird just returned from Marfa, Texas and filed this urgent report:
Got to Marfa on Friday, saw Randy Quaid almost immediately. They are currently remodeling a building on main street and are in a war with the other owners. Literally, while we were there, the wife put a ladder against the building, climbed on the roof and cut the neighbor's dish tv power line. Sheriff came, people driving down the street telling her to "get the f**k out of marfa". We watched it all from the Paisano across the street. The drama went on for two days. AWESOME.
Huzzah! A feudin' and a fussin' QUAIDS style, man. I wonder if this is why formerly sober brother Dennis Quaid has gone off the wagon in a big way?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What Did You Drew?

Has anyone noticed that Felt Up close personal friend Drew Barrymore has suddenly morphed into Kate Winslet? Take a look:


(image via cbs)


(image via awful plastic surgery)


(image via cbs)

Sure, she's lost weight and probably "drinks water and does yoga" blah blah blah, but her eyes are a completely different shape and she looks way more like Kate Winslet than herself. It's freaking me out!

Drew, call me!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Unvoluptious Vixens Vie For Vampire Viking


(image via radar)

Just recently Felt Up posted that every good and decent person's favorite "True Blood" vampire Alexander Skarsgard was getting it on with costar Evan Rachel Wood, former inappropriately-aged paramour of Marilyn Manson. But now Radar is reporting that he's making time with his Straw Dogs co-star Kate "Sometimes Healthy, Sometimes A Death's Head" Bosworth:

It looked like true love was in the air for True Blood star Alexander Skarsgard Saturday night at the Spike TV Scream Awards.

RadarOnline.com saw the Best Villain Award winner and Kate Bosworth acting like quite the happy couple backstage and they were spotted trying hard not to be seen together at the Chateau Marmont after the event.

Kate presented the award to her True Blood honey. When we asked the petite actress where she and Alexander met she told us "On the movie", referring to Straw Dogs, the movie they just finished filming together.

Kate looked gorgeous in an Alexander Wang dress and Alexander McQueen shoes (wait a minute, do we see an Alexander obsession here?) and backstage at the award show she and Alexander were very sweet together. The couple was very affectionate, holding hands as Alexander played with Kate' hair while they chatted with friends in the green room.

Kate and Alexander hugged a few times and were often spotted whispering to each other. As Alexander left the green room to go on stage gave Kate playfully slapped him on his butt a few times and said "Go, go, go."

The golden haired couple was spotted at a Britney Spears concert in Louisiana last September but a rep claimed -- you guessed it -- they were "just friends."

Right!

Puke!

Although none of these starlets are good enough for the viking prince of darkness--and apparently he likes 'em ultra bony--boooo!--I do like that he's playing the field and not getting tied down by any one of these young misses (at least not yet). He is Sweden's Sexiest Man, for God's sake. He should sow his Hollywood oats!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Mime Is Money



On last night's season premiere of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One jarring replacement of the actress who played Teddy, the possible grifter/definite drug fiend/anaesthesiologist/girlfriend of Dr. Sean McNamara, with terrible facelift recipient/homewrecker Rose MacGowan.

One awesome voiceover narration by Felt Up fave rave Ms. Linda Hunt.

One unceremonious dumping of semi-lesbian Dr. Liz by a now-in-remission Dr. Christian Troy.

One pissed-off semi-lesbian Dr. Liz hiring a blind bulldog lawyer played by Mr. Barry Bostwick to sue Dr. Christian Troy for divorce and take one-half of everything he has, all of which he put under her name when he thought he was dying of breast cancer.

One financial crisis turning Dr. Sean McNamara into an anxious, sleepless wreck and Dr. Christian Troy into a spendthrift shopaholic yacht buyer.

One creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt becoming a MIME.

One return of the plastic surgeon played by Mario Lopez and his vaginal rejuvenation golden goose to McNamara/Troy. (See NSFW photo at "bottom" of this post for a screen shot of Mario Lopez and Dr. Christian Troy having a super-homoerotic shower on a previous episode.)

One infomercial for the "vaginal uplift" starring Mario Lopez, Drs. McNamara and Troy, and Kimber, Dr. Christian Troy's former fiancee/daughter-in-law/porn star/infant plastic surgery pusher.

One dejected mime turning to a probable life of crime in mime makeup.

One desperate Dr. Christian Troy almost succombing to the old "hold your pee pee and describe it to the blind divorce lawyer" ruse.

One scene of Rose MacGowan proposing marriage to a conflicted, uncertain, and sleepless Dr. Sean McNamara, who of course says "yes."

One scene of Rose MacGowan pushing sleeping pills on Dr. Sean McNamara, who takes some and promptly goes into some kind of a coma.

THE END.

This season on "Nip/Tuck" there will be a mime crime spree, prescription drug addiction, sex, violence, naughty language, graphic scenes of plastic surgery set to hilarious background music, and here's hoping, more homoerotic tension between these two:


(image via justjared)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Joan!

Christina Hendricks, who plays the most intriguing and awesomest character on "Mad Men," Joan, the former secretary/former mistress of Roger "The Silver Fox" Sterling/current head of Bonwit Teller's dress department/current wife of a terrible doctor and rapist, just got married in real life, and she naturally looked incredible:


(image via people magazine)


According to People:
Christina Hendricks married fiancé Geoffrey Arend at Il Buco restaurant in New York on Sunday, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The redheaded Hendricks, 34, and actor Arend, 31, were engaged earlier this year after being introduced by her Mad Men costar Vincent Kartheiser. Hendricks plays the voluptuous Joan on the show.
Vincent Kartheiser plays Pete Campbell, by the way.

Even though it makes this makes it a wee bit harder for men (and women) to continue their elaborate Joan fantasies, I'm glad Ms. Hendricks is happy. Now, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PRODUCERS OF MAD MEN, GET JOAN MORE SCREEN TIME. WE ARE A NATION AT WAR!

UPDATE:
Here's a better wedding photo:


(image via dlisted)

Look at that skin! That hair! That glorious rack!

Swoon!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Bummer News--Austin Edition


(image via gingersmurf on photobucket)

Your humble Felt Up blogette just found out that Leslie Cochran, local legendary homelss thong afficianado and bon vivant, has been in the hospital since October 3, when he collapsed in the street. According to KXAN:
Austin's own local celebrity, Leslie Cochran, collapsed on Oct. 3 and, according to sources, was still at University Medical Center Brackenridge with injuries, Friday.

EMS officials said an ambulance was called to the scene after a witness saw Leslie acting oddly on the sidewalk. The call came in around 12:50 a.m. on Oct. 3. Leslie then fell in front of a taxi. When EMS arrived on the scene, medics say he was already unconscious.

EMS called ahead for a trauma team to meet Leslie when he arrived at Brackenridge Hospital. Officials at the hospital declined to confirm he was there, citing rules against official release of information; but two sources close to the hospital have confirmed he was still there on Friday.

A woman who said she was a good friend of Leslie said she tried to see him Monday, but hospital officials would not let her see him.

When asked Friday during a telephone interview if she knew whether or not Leslie was still unconscious, the woman, who wished to remain anonymous, replied, "He would have called me had he woken up...."

Leslie, 58, is "arguably the most locally famous street person in Austin" according to his Wikipedia article. He is often seen downtown wearing women's clothing, and has run for mayor. He is a staunch advocate for the rights of homeless people.

It's not uncommon for folks visiting downtown to approach Leslie for photographs with the scantily clad man. He almost always obliges.

Leslie is so popular, he even has his own line of dress-up refrigerator magnets that can be purchased at stores across Austin. The paper-doll-style magnet set includes a mini-skirt, a cheerleader outfit and leopard print dress, with accessories, that you can use to dress up the Austin icon.

There is also this ominous sentence at the end of his Wikipedia entry:
It is believed that Leslie suffered a stroke and may be in a "vegetative state."
I fervently hope that Leslie makes a full recovery. Austin just wouldn't be the same without him!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Vocabulary Lesson of the Day: "Croydon Facelift"


(image via the Daily Mail)

Oh, those Brits and their funny expressions.

The Daily Mail has a wee story today about frightening celebrity Nicole Kidman and her terrifying "Croydon Facelift" (Croydon is a ne-chic-pas London suburb). Let's learn all about this strange phenomenon, shall we?
She continues to deny claims she uses Botox, but Nicole Kidman opted for another trick for ironing out unwanted wrinkles last night - the Croydon Facelift.

The pencil-thin Oscar-winning actress modelled the infamous hairstyle at a party held at the Omega flagship store in New York.

Her ginger mane was tied back so tightly back that the features on her face were pulled even more tautly than usual.

The term Croydon Facelift was coined several years ago - around the time 'chavs' began to emerge - and Little Britain's Vicky Pollard and Catherine Tate's teen Lauren are both fans...

Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham have sported the hairdo this year while Madonna, Kate Winslet and even Michelle Obama have also given the style a try.

Miss Kidman was seen with her auburn locks scraped back into a tight, high ponytail at a party at the Omega watches flagship store in New York on Wednesday night...

She credits drinking lots of water, eating fruit and doing yoga for her looks, insisting: 'I am completely natural.'

The mother of Sunday Rose has said: 'I have nothing in my face or anything.'

Oh, you have got huge enormous gall to say that that forehead is from water, fruit, and yoga, lady. On the other hand, that ginger mane of yours may have pulled back your skin so tightly that you are no longer capable of interpreting reality.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

For The Record...

...I never want to hear the words "Jon," "Kate," or even "Eight" ever again.

That is all.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kandi's Fiance Is Dead After Fistfight


(image via hip hop rx)

CNN has the news that newest "Real Housewives of Atlanta" cast member Kandi Burruss' on-again/off-again fiance A.J. Jewell, the one with five hundred baby mamas, died after a fistfight at a club:

Kandi Burruss, at right with co-star NeNe Leakes, appeared at the BET Awards in June.
Kandi Burruss, at right with co-star NeNe Leakes, appeared at the BET Awards in June.

Atlanta police spokesman Officer James Polite said Jewell and another man fought at an Atlanta club. Afterward, Jewell was taken to a hospital, where he died of blunt force trauma to the head, Polite said.

He said police arrested a suspect, whom he wouldn't identify, on a charge of voluntary manslaughter. After the suspect was identified by witnesses at the scene, he voluntarily went in for questioning, Polite said.

He said police didn't know why the men fought.

Burruss has posted messages about her sorrow on Twitter.

"im just in one of those moods where i dont wanna talk, i dont wanna b held & told its gonna b ok. i just wanna cry myself 2 sleep, alone," she says...

Burruss is an award-winning singer-songwriter and former member of the 1990s R&B group Xscape.

Well, the only person who will probably be ok with this tragedy is Kandi's mother, who despised A.J. and was vehemently opposed to their getting married.

Web site Hip Hop RX says that:
A suspect has been arrested in the death of...Ashley ‘A.J.’ Jewell who died after sustaining injuries to the head during a fight at a club in Atlanta, GA.

Fredrick Richardson, who also sustained injuries from the fight, was arrested and charged with voluntary manslaughter after getting into a brawl with A.J. Jewell on Friday night at the Body Tap in Atlanta, GA outside of the strip club which may be co-owned by Jewell, according to unconfirmed sources.

Jewell... received scrutiny from many onlookers, as well as Kandi Burruss’ mother, during the show due to Jewell having six children. As reported on HipHopRX.com back in March, Kandi Burruss came to A.J.’s rescue after many blogs and commenters throughout the Internet called him a scrub and made statements that she had to take care of him.

In her radio interview, Kandi stated,”I try not to read too much of it, but I know they were talking about my fiance. Making him look real bad, like he’s a dead beat dad, he ain’t got no job. And it’s not true.”

Reportedly in August, the two called off their wedding and relationship to give each other a break to sort out personal issues, however the two remained friends.

Meanwhile, authorities are being whist on what may have caused the fight between the two as they are continuously interviewing witnesses who were there on the scene.
Oh, the irony of the co-writer of TLC's hit song "No Scrubs" being dragged down by her own personal scrub! I always wondered what his appeal was to her. He spent almost every second of his screen time with her texting on his phone and had 1,000 children with different women.

The drama on "RHOA" just never stops, does it?

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Gayfecta!


(image via collider)

The Huffington Post
is reporting that actor/NYU student/Felt Up fave James Franco will have "a lengthy story arc this fall" on ABC soap opera "General Hospital":
The "Pineapple Express" and "Spider-Man" actor will play a mystery person who comes to the soap opera's town of Port Charles. The recurring role will begin Nov. 20 – to coincide with November sweeps – and will last about two months.

Executive producer Jill Farren Phelps says it's "an honor that an actor of Franco's caliber would choose to spend some of his valuable time in Port Charles."

The 31-year-old Franco will star as Allen Ginsberg next year in the film "Howl."

Huh! I don't know what is funnier--that James Franco is going to be on a soap opera, or that anyone would think of him for the role of Allen Ginsberg. They don't really look alike at all. Unless he's going to get uglied up a la Charlize Theron in Monster as some kind of crazy Oscar stunt?

There's been a lot of rumors of his gayness (HOT!) and now this gayfecta of Milk, "General Hospital" and Howl is going to set tongues a wagging even more!

Friday, September 25, 2009

No Cure For The QUAIDS Crisis


(image via tmz)

Whew. The Quaids Crisis continues, hot-n-heavy! I can barely keep up.

According to TMZ
, Evi Quaid went nuts in the office of the sheriff in Marfa, Texas, where she and Randy were arrested yesterday:
Evi Quaid thinks the cop who arrested her and husband Randy is corrupt. How do we know this? Because she just showed up at his office and went "psychotic" on him.

Deputy James Davis of Presidio County Sheriff's Office in Marfa, Texas tells TMZ Evi showed up at the station just moments ago screaming at him, accusing him of being "a crooked, corrupt cop" who concocted "a plot against her and her husband."

Davis described it as a "psychotic episode."

He claims she followed him into the station and threw a handwritten statement at him accusing him of setting them up.

Davis says Quaid then went to a nearby courthouse and as she was leaving, backed into a motorcycle that was parallel parked.
What happened to Marfa, TX being a "great place to get arrested," Little Evi? Not content to go "psychotic" on the man, she then hand painted a huge sign accusing the sheriff of taking bribes and hung it on a big truck and parked it in front of the mayor's office:
Evi painted the sign -- directed at Deputy James Davis -- on the side of a truck she personally drove and parked outside of Mayor Dan Dunlap's office moments ago. The sign says "Deputy James Davis takes payments ... call & make offers."

But Deputy Davis tells us he won't take the smear campaign laying down, saying, "She's entitled to her freedom of speech, but at some point it becomes libel. I'm considering legal action if it continues."

More Mackenzie Phillips Madness--Mick Jagger Edition


(image via culture fix)

The Times of India, my favorite source of celebrity gossip, has a story, presumably from her forthcoming book High on Arrival, about Mackenzie "The Face of Consensual Incest" Phillips being seduced at age 18 by Mick Jagger "while her father and future lover John Phillips was making a tuna sandwich for him":
The 'California Dreamin' singer had left the rocker alone with his 18-year-old daughter in Jagger's apartment while he went out to get some mayonnaise and when he returned, he found the door had been locked and he realised that the 'Rolling Stone' rocker was having sex with his girl.

"My dad walks out (of the apartment), Mick turns around, locks the door, looks at me and he says, 'I've been waiting for this since you were 10 years old...' and he seduced me," the 49-year-old actress and singer said.

"My dad comes back and (says), 'That's my daughter in there, let her out,' and we just ignored him. "It's a dubious distinction, having had sex with Mick Jagger," she added.

John Phillips, then tried to break in but failed and simply called the following morning to make sure his daughter was fine.

"He says, 'Was he nice to you? Are you OK?' and I said, 'Mick just brought a tray of tea and toast and strawberries and Marmite. We're fine. I'll talk to you later," the actress said.
Not as fascinating as her l'affaire inceste, but the "I've been waiting for this since you were 10 years old" line is pretty damn creepy. What a life she's led!

The Continuing QUAIDS Crisis


TMZ got a hold of Randy and Evi Quaid's mugshots AND a handwritten note from them that says "I promise the state of California, Texas does not bother people over hamburgers ordered by room service, supposedly burglarized" and "Marfa, Texas is a great place to get arrested."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Olds Are Showing The Youngs How It's Done


(photo via janet charlton)

Hot damn! Nipping the heels of old actress Mackenzie "The Face of Consensual Incest" Phillips' media frenzy, old actor Randy Quaid and his spitfire wife have been arrested after what I am going to go ahead and call a cross-country crime spree!

According to CNN,
Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas on Thursday. They're accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill, authorities said.

Randy Quaid is being held in Presidio County, Texas. He's accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill.

Randy Quaid is being held in Presidio County, Texas. He's accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill.

Santa Barbara, California, authorities had been looking for the couple after the sheriff's department received a complaint from a local hotel.

Each faces felony charges of burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy.

The couple was held in Presidio County, Texas, late Thursday, authorities said.

TMZ has the juicier, possibly untrue, details:
There was a struggle and deputies had to wrestle Evi to the ground as she screamed loudly.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they believe Randy and Evi Quaid have a pattern of staying in pricey hotels and stiffing the joints when they leave...and that's why authorities are trying to nail the Quaids for burglary...

Our law enforcement sources tell us the reason they believe the Quaids were scamming the San Ysidro Ranch from the get-go is because they have evidence they've done it before. Our sources say the Quaids stiffed the uber-ritzy Bel Air Hotel in L.A., among other places.
Gossipeuse Janet Charlton calls Randy and Evi "the new Bonnie and Clyde" and notes:
Not long ago Evi hired a private detective because she believed that “the same peoplew ho killed David Carradine” were after her husband. The detective ended up getting a restraining order against the Quaids – she told radaronline.com that Evi kept her drug use and spending hidden from her husband and the shaken detective feared that Evi might kill Randy and/or herself. We predict rehab is dead ahead for these two.
Boy, I am so proud to call myself a Texan today. Randy Quaid, you are a state treasure! Let's not forget that recently you got kicked out of Actors' Equity for life for physically and mentally abusing your fellow performers in a Seattle play who claimed your "oddball behavior" led directly to the play closing early, and then the Equity hearing about the matter was
highlighted by Quaid's wife apparently getting into a tussle with a 76-year-old Equity receptionist that ended with the receptionist bleeding from the shins and Evi Quaid's finger broken.
Wowza!

Randy Quaid, you must keep up the good work. Now that you've apparently been forcibly removed from the acting profession and into a life of grifting, I think this whole "defrauding an innkeeper" thing is just the beginning! You could easily find a way to "extort a habadasher," "burgle a blacksmith," or "bamboozle a barber." Get Evi on it, I'm sure she'll know what to do.

Huzzah!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Mackenzie Philips Restores My Faith In Trashy Gossip With Gross Tell-All


(image via elysabeth)

When people on the street stop and ask me, "Hey, humble Felt Up Blogette, why don't you post on your blog as much as you used to?" I usually reply that good celebrity gossip totally peaked with Britney Spears going berserk and shaving her head, and it's been all downhill ever since. It's true: great, juicy, trashy Hollywood gossip has simply dried up. I just cannot muster up any enthusiasm for the boring, unbearably press-agent-choreographed carrying-ons of anyone named Leighton or Blake or Penn. The Kardashians' antics are well-documented, and tame. Even the ever-changing relationships and volatile wig-pullings on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" are too confusing to keep straight. Michael Jackson (and seemingly every other celebrity on Earth) is dead. To paraphrase Felt Up muse Norma Desmond, I am big--it's the gossip that got small.

And then tonight came this story at CNN and I had to EAT MY WORDS, because it is one humdinger of a tale:
Actress Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a long-term incestuous relationship with her famous father, musician John Philips, in a tell-all memoir, according to People.com, which obtained an advance copy of her book...

"On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it," writes Phillips, who was 19 at the time and a heavy drug user, according to People.com. "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed."

Phillips, best known as Julie Cooper on the sitcom "One Day at a Time," says the sexual relationship became consensual as her life began to spiral out of control...

Eventually, she and her father went to rehab together and she later toured with him in a band called the New Mamas and the Papas, according to People.com.

"I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me," she writes, according to People.com. "One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' "

WOW. I realize that young 'uns under the age of 40 may not give a crap about anything having to do with golden oldies like Mackenzie and John Phillips, but I sure do. Because I'm old--older than "The Hills." It's completely horrifying and fascinating at the same time. And though I don't wish in any way to diminish her pain or misery I have to say: Whoo boy--what a story. Of course she's going on "Oprah" any minute now to share.

Listen up, all you Taylor Momsens and Lo Bosworths and Pixie and/or Peaches Geldoffs of the world: This is the bar for riveting, terrifying, outlandish gossip that you will have to live up to from now on. Olden-timey junkie has-been Mackenzie Phillips has one-upped you all. You have been served.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Say It Ain't So, Skarsgard!



Booooooooooooooooo! Hissssssssssssss!

Evan Rachel Wood, former age-inappropriate paramour of Marilyn Manson and current terrible actor on "True Blood" may be dating her co-star, "The Sexiest Man in Sweden" Alexander Skarsgard. He plays Viking vampire Eric, delightfully; she plays the Vampire Queen of Lousiana, badly.

Let's pray this is just a rumor, fellow vampire nerds!



Harrumph.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Felt Up Shameless Plug


Gatti's dessert pizzas image via pastaqueen

When your humble Felt Up blogette isn't worrying about Kim's wig getting torn off her head by Sheree on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," she sings in a band called Nagel. And in order to win free pizza for a year, some members of Nagel recorded a jingle for a contest sponsored by local pizza chain Gatti's. And if you feel like it, you can hear said jingle, called "I'm Just Looking for a Gatti's," with lyrics and vocal stylings by your humble Felt Up blogette, here and if you're in the mood, vote for it by clicking on the heart next to the song, which, for security reasons, was recorded under the name THE WINNERS.

If The Winners win, WE ALL WIN, really. Because I will personally take each and every one of my readers for a Gatti's pizza. Both of you!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

News For Vampire Nerds!



Sookie
and Bill are engaged in real life! OMFG!

I just hope this doesn't mean we get even more endless amounts of time on "True Blood" devoted to their romance. It is the dullest part of the show. More Eric! More Lafayette! More Eric-n-Lafayette together!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Love Means Never Being Able To Say Anything

Answer to Who The Eff Is This: Once again, it's Courtney Love, at least I think so:


(image via the WOW Report)

She is a work in progress, people. A terrifying, gruesome work in progress.

Now, onto further horrors. Try and guess the age of this woman:


(image via Jezebel)

She is:

a) 45 years old

b) 55 years old

c) Courtney Love

Ha! It's none of the above. Ms. Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars, possible purveyor of horse diet pills, and 7th sign of the Apocalypse, is a spring chick of 37 years old. 37 YEARS OLD.

Bananas, indeed.

Who The EFF Is THIS?

Hey! It's another edition of Who The Eff Is THIS? Take a gander at this photo and see if you can guess who the hell it is:



Here's a clue: It's not Dina "Mother of the Year" Lohan, a member of the Gosselin family, or a morning news anchor.

It IS someone featured a lot on Felt Up.

The answer will be in the next post!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Well, hello, there. It's been a long time since a truly frightening celeb photo came down the pike, and I'll give you one guess who scared the bejeesus out of me this time...

...If you said MADONNA, you are correct! Congratulations, and brace yourself:



Interestingly, her face looks pretty great. I think she must have had the minuscule deposits of arm fat that once valiantly held onto her tendons for dear life and had them forcibly removed and immediately injected into her cheeks. The effect is somewhat alarming, like seeing a pretty child's head put on a monstrous, albeit extremely fit, old woman's body.

I would also like to commend the U.K. Daily Mail for cunningly comparing Madonna's bod to those creepy Chinese cadaver exhibits:



Good call, U.K. Daily Mail.

Ick.

Monday, July 13, 2009

More Summer Fun Videos--Funky Soul Edition

Hey, I'm bored and perusing YouTube for the one gazillionth time. So once again, just for the hell of it, here are some summer good times videos I hope you enjoy!

First up: Booker T. & The MGS, with some extra-talented dancers:



Here's the late, great Rufus Thomas, wearing perhaps the bestest outfit ever worn by a human, at "Wattstax" doin' the "Funky Chicken":



Can you dig The Ohio Players doing a medley of "Fire" and "Love Rollercoaster"? I knew that you could!



How about a lil' Rufus featuring Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, we love you Chaka Khan, back in the day on "The Midnight Special"?



Here's The Sylvers on "Soul Train," doing "Boogie Fever," which I picked pretty much for the outfits:



And let's end with some more "Wattstax," one of your Felt Up blogette's all-time favorite movies. This time it's the Bar-Kays' doing "Son of Shaft" and giving The Sylvers a run for their money in the awesome costume department:

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Creepy, Yet Awesome.



Who would have thought that amidst all the circus elephants, Stevie Wonder, the entire insane Jackson family, Usher's fake tears, a solid gold coffin, and Mariah Carey, the most interesting sight at the Michael Jackson funeral would be Corey Feldman in full Dangerous regalia, like he used to rock back in '91? It was weird back then and it's even weirder now, but bless his little heart for being such a freakadeak. The show must go on!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Felt Up Believe It Or Not!



Dear God, ya'll. Lindsay Lohan has a birthday in a few days and she will turn 23.

23! That means this whole entire year she's been a mere 22 years old.

Doesn't it seem like a) she's been around FOREVER and b) she's 40?

Summer Fun!

Your humble Felt Up bloggette declares this The Summer of Glam! Here are some rockin' videos just for the hell of it:











Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cop(ping A Plea) With A Vadge


Image of Danielle with her mugshot via The Warming Glow

If, like all good and decent people, you are ravenous for more information on Danielle Staub (aka Beverly Merrill) from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" and her criminal past, run on over to The Smoking Gun, which has a ton of documents relating to her arrest in 1986 for all kinds of crazy crap--extortion, cocaine dealing, etc--that she is now constantly denying ever took place. (She says the only things that are true in her ex-husband's book Cop Without A Badge are that she was arrested and she changed her name.) She has also vehemently denied having a cocaine problem and/or being a "prostitution whore," but the documents reveal that she was a huge cokehead "escort" who was seemingly in constant contact with at least a kilo of cocaine at all times.

Here are the gory details, which are rather complicated, as Danielle/Beverly also went by "Angela Minelli," apparently:
According to documents filed in U.S. District Court in Miami, Merrill and Daniel Aguilar, who distributed narcotics for a Colombian drug family, sought to extort a $25,000 ransom from a man whose son they were holding. The captive, Carmen Centolella, was blamed by Merrill and Aguilar for the botched drug deal, which cost them a kilo of cocaine worth about $24,000, according to the below criminal complaint. Merrill and Aguilar were arrested after federal agents traced ransom calls they placed to Centolella's father. Merrill was busted in a Miami apartment in which agents discovered six kilos of cocaine and about $16,000 in cash.

In a subsequent indictment, Merrill was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy. Prosecutors allege that Merrill placed the first call to Centolella's father and "threatened injury or death" to his son "unless a sum of money was paid." Facing the possibility of decades in prison, Merrill quickly opted to flip. In August 1986, she copped to a single felony count and signed a plea agreement pledging to "provide full and complete cooperation" with federal prosecutors and FBI agents. Merrill's plea, the agreement noted, exposed her to a maximum of 20 years in prison. Merrill's decision to snitch out her cohorts resulted in threats allegedly directed at her by Aguilar and his family, prosecutors contended in one motion.

Merrill, who at the time used the alias "Angela Minelli," received one phone call warning, "Angela, your life is at an end, honey," and another from a male caller noting, "I saw you walking your dog--I wouldn't take that kind of risk."

The government motion further described Merrill's role in the botched cocaine deal, noting that she "took one of the kilos from Aguilar to Centolella's apartment for testing." There, she was accosted by four armed men who robbed her of the cocaine. According to an FBI report, when Aguilar was interviewed by agents following his arrest, he stated that "Angela" was the "common link" that put him together with Centolella, the prospective cocaine buyer. Centolella, he said, knew that "Angela had sources that could provide a kilo of cocaine." He later described "Angela" as a friend whose last name he did not know. "She also uses cocaine," he told agents. During a court hearing, FBI Agent Robert Favie testified that Merrill met Aguilar while she was working for an escort service (Aguilar was a customer). Asked by Aguilar's attorney if he had checked into Merrill's background as a prostitute, Favie replied, "I know that she has told me that she has worked for an escort service, yes."

In November 1986, Merrill was sentenced to five years probation for her extortion conviction (by comparison, Aguilar got 15 years after pleading out to extortion and cocaine possession counts). She was also ordered to participate in a drug treatment program and submit to weekly urinalysis tests during the first six months of her supervision. Two years after Merrill's sentencing, a substance abuse counselor (who worked in conjunction with Merrill's probation officer) recommended that, "considering the severity of Beverly's drug history and her former drug life style," that her "mandate for drug aftercare be continued." Court files do not indicate how Judge Eugene Spellman, who sentenced Merrill, ruled on this request. In a recent interview with People magazine, Staub claimed records from her criminal case were "sealed" and that she was only charged as an "accessory."
YOWZA!

Why on earth a person with all this stuff in her background would go on a reality show is beyond me. She dodged a long prison sentence by ratting out Columbian drug cartel personnel who did not waste time in making threats on her life. So, again: WHY GO ON A REALITY SHOW AND ENDANGER YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN? I mean, they practically show her home address on the screen every week. Has all that Botox rotted her brain?

The second part of the RHONJ reunion special airs Thursday on Bravo at 10 Eastern/9 Central. The previews show host Andy Cohen questioning Ms. Staub/Merrill/Minelli about her "substantial" cocaine problem. Don't miss it!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Felt Up Public Service Announcement(s)


For the love of god, don't forget that tonight is the season finale (already!?!) of the Cadillac of "Real Housewives" shows, "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" on Bravo. The previews have been amazing. For reasons we are not privy to nor that could possibly make any sense, Danielle Staub, aka Beverly Merrill, aka PROSTITUTION WHORE, is invited to dinner with the rest of the cast, only one of whom (Jacqueline) doesn't want to scratch her eyes out with a diamond-encrusted claw. There are slurs, fights, upended restaurant tables, shrieks, and, finally, and fantastically, female fisticuffs. All in front of the children, too. Huzzah!



Also, adopted Austinite and ex-Face/Small Face Ian McLagan will be appearing with his band on David Letterman's show tonight. A full night of tv-viewing awaits!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Triumph of the Will

Since no one in their right mind ever reads The Austin American-Statesman, I thought I'd pass on this Michael Corcoran-penned recap of Triumph The Insult Comic Dog's comments during a press conference with, of all people, Alejandro Escovedo, Elvis Perkins, and Tift Merrit at the Bonnaroo Music Festival. Because I could listen to Triumph diss hippies all day...

escovedo.jpg
ASSOCIATED PRESS

Alejandro Escovedo had never heard of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog before today’s press conference with the Robert Smigel puppet..,Escovedo’s now a fan. Some Triumph highlights:

  • “This place has more stages than syphilis.”

  • “I saw alot of underarm hair at the Ani DiFranco set. I thought one woman had a Yorkie in a headlock.”

  • “On Monday this place will smell better… when it goes back to being a hog farm.”

  • Host Andy Langer said to Escovedo and Perkins, “Did you ever think you’d be on a panel with a dog?” to which Triumph exploded, “Tift Merritt is a very beautiful woman! How dare you?”

  • "Jimmy Buffett is here? This place really is eco-friendly. There’s nothing like recycled music.”

  • "Phish broke up five years ago, They could’ve played three songs in that time. The original script of the Gettysburg Address was ‘Four Phish songs and seven years ago.’”
  • “Is there anything that Phish fans can’t make out of hemp--besides deodorant?”

  • “So many Bruce Springsteen fans have come from New Jersey. You can tell because of the smell of weed mixed with Axe body spray.”

  • “It’s a different time. At Woodstock three babies were born. Here three babies were traded for a case of Dasani and a meat pie.”

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Tate Takes A Dip



When not obsessing about the sordid past of Danielle Staub aka Beverly Merrill, the possible coke-whore/hooker and mom of two on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," your humble Felt Up blogette has been known to ponder life's mysteries (such as the possible auto-erotic asphyxiation death of David Carradine) at the local swimming pool.

The other day I was at Austin's own lovely Deep Eddy pool and who should be there but an actual living, breathing semi-celeb: Mr. Tate Donovan. I have no idea what he's in Austin for (his IMDB profile doesn't show anything filming in A-town), but it was nice to see him. I will always think of him as "that guy from Space Camp," or "that guy who was engaged to both Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock (not at the same time)," but you may know him as "that guy from 'The O.C.'" or perhaps as "that guy from 'Damages.'"

It's always nice to have a surprise encounter with a sorta-famous person in a swim suit, so here's to random actors hanging out at central Texas pools.

PS
Miraculously, Mr. Donovan seems to be of normal height!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Smelling Like A Daisy


(all images via VH1)

Ugh. My fears of a less-than-festive season of "Daisy of Love" are coming all too true! In fact, this show may just be even more down in the dumps than "Rock of Love Bus." And it started off so promisingly inane and retarded! Boooo. Hiss. Someone at VH1 needs to step in and take control of this train wreck!

The problem is Daisy herself. Besides being drugged out/drunk/whatnot she seems to actually believe that she will find true love amongst these reality dating show douches. She gets genuinely upset when these ersatz beaus act like imbecilic soulless jerks. It is both infinitely sad and infuriating. This is supposed to be FUN, people! Whassa goin on' ?
Where o where have the good times gone?

Let's just get this over with. I'm going to keep it short because it is all so depressing.

It begins well, with a "rock band" challenge that is sure to result in public humiliation and horror, and boy does it ever. Three teams are created, and right off the bat, Chi Chi's chi chi gets all bent out of shape because his best 'bro and room mate, the truly hideous-looking Sinister, doesn't pick him for his fake band on this fake show. The "twist" of the challenge is that each band has to make a rock song out of a nursery rhyme, like "Old McDonald Had a Farm." I don't really know why this was necessary, except to make the contestants look even more ridiculous than they already do. Mission accomplished!

The bands are named clever things like "Daisy Chain" and "Daisy Blades" (?).

Daisy is totes in love already with London, so even though his band sucks balls, they win. Sinister, who had the best band out of the three (which is like coming in first in an a-hole race), is fit to be tied. This aggression will not stand!

At numerous points during the rest of this episode, Daisy and London either make out or fight about nothing. Back and forth, back and forth--it makes no sense whatsoever. The winning band gets three brand-new Gibson guitars for free as part of their prize, and clearly the guitar means way more to London than Daisy ever could.

But she may be in looooove! Tears abound. Way too many tears ABOUND. Daisy is bereft! She manages to rationalize London's schizo behavior with the old "we must be love because we keep fighting" excuse that has kept the Daisys of the world in miserable relationships since the Dawn of Marilyn Manwich.



So London leaves the show of his own volition and Daisy goes to her pink grotto to sob. Three contestants in a row have left without Daisy asking! It hurts her feelings! She is devastated with only Riki Rachtman to soothe her soul!

Thanks a lot, VH1. Boo! Hiss!

Bret Michaels even in the black depths of his Road Ennui was at least marginally entertaining. And a professional. Professional what, I'm not sure, but compared to Daisy, Bret is the Barack Obama of reality dating. (And by the way, watching Daisy's interviews has given me a new appreciation of the genius that was Bret. I think now that he probably did not get lines fed to him, as I used to suspect; now it seems that he was actually pretty clever/funny on his own. Because if what Daisy is saying on this show was created by a professional writer then said writer should immediately commit hari kari.)

Bleh.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Daisy of Drugs?


(all images via VH1)

After watching last night's "Daisy of Love," and seeing the report that Daisy de la Hoya was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion," I'm a bit worried. It is very disconcerting to see the host of a reality show in the midst of a crisis, but that seems to be wassa goin' on with Miss Daisy.

But before we get to that drama, let's review the myriad other dramas from this episode, shall we?

First up, the challenge is one of those patented VH1 dating show obstacle courses. This time, the guys have to carry an effigy of Daisy (ie, a mannequin in a blonde wig) in a relay race through a paint gun course while paint gun sharpshooters spray them with paint balls. The team with the most-intact Daisy doll wins a dream group date with Daisy, natch.

The dudes pick teams and Brooklyn is chosen last to the Beige Team because he has a girlfriend and thus is NOT THERE FOR DAISY and is ostracized by the other twelve-year-olds at Little League.



Sinister, team captain of the Black Team (they all wear jumpsuits representing their team colors), is determined to win some alone time with Daisy, so he takes a ton of hits to his body (and they all remark on the pain the paint pellets produce) and protects the Daisy mannequin the best. His team wins!

Brooklyn takes this opportunity to announce that his heart is not in this and tenders his resignation. Daisy is super-upset, because she had specifically asked him about the status of his relationship with his ex/not-ex girlfriend at the last elimination and he had lied that he wanted to be there and it was over with his ex, blah blah blah. Which means: Maybe Weasel could've made it another week! Damn Brooklyn straight to hell!

They head back to Tool Manor to get ready for a night on the town. The dudes spend a great deal of time on their toilette: Make-up, hair gel, nail polish, the works! It is hilariousness itself.



They go to some Hollywood douchebaggery to get dizrunk and par-tay, bro. It is a grim scene. Poor Sinister, who as the leader of the winning team is supposed to get some special one-on-time with Daisy, sits glumly in an empty VIP area alone while Daisy forgets him entirely and flirts with everyone else. She makes out with pretty much everyone in the place and it is fairly gross in a hepatitis-outbreak kind of way. (Although she could make out with 50 guys 10 minutes and it would still be leaps and bounds less disgusting than the tamest Bret Michaels make out.)

At one point Daisy gets all in a snit because Fox is ignoring her:



Tool Box seems only to care about shrieking "BROMANCE" at all the other guys and rubbing up against their upper thighs.



Later, at Les Halles Des Douches, Tool Box reveals that he's not "feeling" Daisy at all, because he's too busy feeling the pants of his fellows.



The next day, the romantic dream date turns out to be mutual body painting by the pool (!). Daisy drops her black satin robe to reveal a bikini and a surprisingly tattoo-free midsection.





The guys--12 Pack, Sinister, London, and Chi Chi-- are agog at her splendor! They all make out with Daisy after some half-hearted body painting, but Chi Chi doesn't even bother with the paints and practically attacks Daisy, to the point that even she is a tad freaked out by his aggressiveness.

In the mean time, Cable Guy, who has been warned by Riki Rachtman that he needs to interact more with Daisy if he wants to stay in the competition, is having an existential crisis. Like so many reality dating show contestants before him, he feels that being aggressive is just not what he is all about. Also, he's pretty sure three weeks on a VH1 tv show is not going to result in true love. Does he betray his very soul by being more forceful with/pretending to fall madly, deeply in love with a stranger or does he stay true to himself and continue to lay low? When the bodypainters return to the house, he awkwardly takes the bull by the horns and forces Daisy into some alone time, in which he tells her all about his conflicting emotions. Daisy is nonplussed.

Then Tool Box gets his own alone time with Daisy, and he uses this opportunity for personal interaction and growth to peform a lap dance and shove his upside down crotch in Daisy's face. Daisy is nonplussed.



Then she makes out with Flex. I never thought it would be possible, but there is seemingly 10 times the number of make out sessions on "Daisy of Love" than the first three seasons of "Rock of Love" combined.

Elimination time! This is where it gets weird. Because Daisy is clearly on something, big time. Either drugs or booze or both, I don't know, but she is out of it. It is really sad to watch. Why must these shows insist on bringing me down? WHY? Sigh!

She can barely talk in complete sentences, and it's not like she was the most articulate person to begin with. Her eyes are unfocused and she rushes through the elimination really quickly. It gets down to Cable Guy and Tool Box, and of course Tool Box gets to stay because even though Tool Box is a complete and total Tool, the only crime Daisy cannot forgive is dullness, and Cable Guy is pretty dull.

Cable Guy, we shall miss your soothing calmness, semi-normal demeanor, and hideous uni-dreadlocked beard.

Flex, who was a witness to Tool Box's "I'm not into Daisy" drunken escapade, pipes up and tells Daisy what happened. Daisy gets all flustered and freaked out and demands to know if Tool Box is there for her or not and he hems and haws and she sends him home and then goes off in a huff.

Riki, in the tone of voice usually reserved for UN Security Council emergency meetings, lectures the remaining dudes that it is not cool to hurt Daisy! For real! He means it! He actually says "THIS IS NOT A GAME." Except, of course, it is a game. So, whatever.

In her room, alone and sad, Daisy cries, before passing out in heap of blonde hair and sillicone.



Dear god, it's only the third episode and this show has already ceased to be fun and is steadily creeping into the sadness, ennui, and despair that ruined "Rock of Love"! I'm not happy, people.

On the plus side, I think Big Rig may need his own show. He is a genius.