Sunday, June 29, 2008

I Hardly Drew Ye

Friday I was working at my shop and a group of people came in that I can only describe as "Hollywood"-types: Older, white-haired men straining to look casual in a really expensive way. They seemed extremely out of place in a vintage clothing store. Then a young guy in a jaunty hat appeared in their midst; I thought to myself, "This dude looks exactly like the kid in the 'I'm a Mac' commercials," but then, almost every young man on Earth looks like the "I'm a Mac" kid (aka Justin Long, who was also featured in Dodgeball and the latest Die Hard movie) these days. He is in the tabloids a lot right now because he is dating Drew Barrymore.

And then I heard her voice! Yes, standing two feet in front of me was Drew Barrymore and her "I'm a Mac" gentleman-caller and her entourage, which was entirely male. She did not at all do the "Please, don't notice me, let's all pretend I'm not famous" thing that I've seen many celebs do. She totally took over the whole store with her Drewness.

She immediately flitted over to the sunglasses rack and started trying on different pairs, the kookier the better. We have a mirror down below the counter for trying on shoes and she kept squatting down on her knees to look at herself in the sunglasses; I said, "Uh, you don't have to do that, there's a mirror right here" and urgently pointed over at the non-shoe-level mirror near the sunglasses rack. "Seriously, you really don't have to do that!" I pleaded, over and over, to no avail. Eventually the "I'm a Mac" guy said, bemusedly, "I think she likes doing that, don't block your sale," so I shut up. I, did, however, manage to say, "Those glasses are just eight dollars a pair," which I thought was kind of funny, if I do say so myself. Funny because it's true! Also, she's rich.

The whole time she was doing this, the Hollywood guys were milling around, seemingly unsure of what, exactly, they were supposed to be doing while The Talent shopped at this weird little store in Austin, Texas. They might have been agents or producers, or both, it was hard for a rube like me to tell.

Suddenly Drew flung herself on the "I'm a Mac" kid, wrapped her arms around his neck, and shouted gaily, "Will my sugar daddy buy me these glasses?" (which is funny on many levels, obviously, as she is way wealthier and famouser and several years older then him, plus they are kind of known for their public displays of affection) and then fairly skipped over to the counter, flung down three pairs of sunglasses (pink, yellow, and black) and Drewed her way out the front door, calling out something vague about seeing "the frog" (ie, the Daniel Johnston "Hi, How Are You" frog that is painted on the side of our building).

A young man suddenly materialized out of nowhere with a credit card in his hand and asked, "Is she buying something?" and then wondered, "Anything for me?" and looked in the bag of sunglasses and answered his own question, a bit ruefully, with, "Ah, no." He paid and left. How awesome to have a "go pay for my crapola" person!

Then the "I'm a Mac" guy asked if I would get a t-shirt down for him off the wall. He wanted a vintage t-shirt I'd found a while back that has fuzzy iron-on letters and reads "BECAUSE I'M THE MOM, THAT'S WHY" on it. I complimented him on his taste and we exchanged pleasantries about a pair of sunglasses he tried on making him look either like Lavar Burton on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" or Lamar Latrell from Revenge Of The Nerds (either way is a winner, obviously.) He also bought a new "I Heart Puppets" t-shirt. If he ever wears either of these shirts in my Star or Us Weekly I WILL DIE.

While he was checking out he said, a bit panicky, "Oh, hey, I was supposed to buy those glasses for her, " and then when I started giving him a little background story on the Daniel Johnston frog I thought might be interesting to him, he kept looking outside and got more and more agitated as he was clearly being summoned to leave by Drew and her people and so once I again I shut the hell up and as soon as he finished paying I bid the "I'm a Mac" guy a fond adieu.

All in all a funny little celeb encounter. And I do mean little--he was teeny tiny (including hat) and she was about the size of my thumb...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Much like celebrity deaths, these scary skinny photos seem to come in twos and threes--though I'm not sure if my lil' heart can take much more. What fresh horrors will tomorrow bring? In the mean time, feast your eyes--if you dare!--on this bag of bones:

(photo via the uk daily mail)

I swear to God, Courtney Love is the spitting image of that dead flapper lady who was drowned in an olden timey car and haunts a bunch of ancient actors in Ghost Story. And not in a good way.


Thursday, June 19, 2008

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Ack! At first I thought this was a photo of a very tall-looking Ellen Pompeo from "Grey's Anatomy," but instead it is a very skinny-looking Kristen Johnson of "Third Rock from the Sun" semi-fame:

(photo via janet charlton's hollywood)

She is a comedian, people. Is she required to starve herself in order to get jobs? Uh, don't answer that.

Here's what she used to look like (back when she was healthy and rather fetching):


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Some Mic It Hot

I was at the thrift the other day, as is my wont, and I heard an awesome version of Otis Redding's "I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)" by a female singer who sounded very much like Tina Turner. So I Googled around and found that yes it was indeed Ms. Turner, and that there is a video of her (with Ike!) performing this song on YouTube.

I was watching and enjoying this amazing rendition of one of my all-time favorite songs (and was entranced by a) her see-through fringed top, b) her wig, and c) the Ikettes), when about mid-way through I realized that this was ALSO the video of an incredibly dirty interplay with Ike that I only seen once before. It involves quite a bit of naughty groaning, lewd innuendo and possibly illegal microphone stroking and is a total delight if you're into that kind of thing. Actually it makes me squirm a teensy bit, but it is fascinating to see Tina in quite a different mode from her current ladylike regal diva persona.

So whether or not you like R&B, Ike & Tina, or just good old-fashioned lascivious shenanigans, there is probably something for every taste in this video. Enjoy:

Like most decent people, I have long dreamt of being an Ikette, which, now that Ike is dead, is probably no longer viable, though I don't like to admit it. However, a few years ago I was able to force a facsimile of this dream into a reality by demanding to be an ersatz Ikette during a fashion show in which all of the models had to karaoke. The wig I wore was ginormous and glorious.

Friday, June 13, 2008

My New Roommate

Allow me to introduce LeConte, the newest addition to my little family at Felt Up HQ. I have mixed feelings about him. On the one hand, he is not a total cockroach; on the other, he is "capable of biting," though "generally not medically harmful." He may also have a lot of moochy family members who want to hang out all the time. And I don't think his rent check is going to clear.

At least he's not a pothead.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

XXXtremely Odd

I found this t-shirt a few days ago at the Goodwill Blue Hanger, aka "The Bins." As soon as I picked it up and saw what was on it, I felt kind of self-conscious and weird, like I was doing something dirty. Here's what it looks like:

This is awesome and disturbing on so many levels! What is this "TeXXXas Adult Rodeo"? Does is it still exist? What kind of events take place? Are there animals involved? Are cash prizes awarded? Do they have very special rodeo clowns? And the biggest question of all: Why, oh, why do they use a monstrous beast with flayed flesh, ram-like horns, snarling fangs, and exposed female boobs as their image? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

If anyone knows anything about the reference behind this image or about the "rodeo," please let me know ASAP. I think. Maybe. Do I really want to know? Maybe!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Fun With Comments!

I've been wanting to do a new feature in which I pull the best/worst comments from the ole Felt Up Comment Files for a while now, and then I got one today that was good/bad enough to spur me into action.

The comment was in reference to an old post about "Nip/Tuck"; the tone was rather critical. Let's just say that Matt, the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son, has at least one extremely loyal fan! I may be wrong, but I believe this is the first time a commenter has called me a "hideous bitch." But the best part was the last line:

"Your writing is trite, and the author appears to be menopausal."

Well, Anonymous (if that is your real name), you are at least half right!

Also, I think I hear a new MySpace headline...

More fun comments to come.