Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Between The Hard Rock and A Hard Place

Whassa goin' on, skanks? It's time once again for your "Rock of Love" recap! Oh, my, this was quite an episode. But first, I have some unfinished business to take care of from last week. I finally found a picture of The Smelling Sandwich! Here you go:

OK, I feel much better. Now let's get right into Episode 10: Attack of the Clones, shall we?




This week the skantestants--plus Heather! huzzah!--are whisked away from Sloot Manor in an ultra-classy stretch Hummer that takes them to Bret Michaels' personal, private totally-rented-by-VH1 Lear jet, which is flying them all to Las Vegas, yay!

Bret still foolishly believes they're going to have nothin' but a good time.

There are some misty eyes out in the audience as they replay a very moving montage from last season's ill-fated Vegas jaunt...who can keep a dry eye when re-watching Lacey collapse on the bar in a drunken stupor or Brandi M. spew vomit into her napkin like a whale spouting water out of its blowhole? Who among us is made of stone? Who, I ask?

Poor Bret has high hopes that this trip to Sin City will be a rawkin' good time, but, alas, he is sadly mistaken. It all begins cheerily enough, with the gang's arrival at--where else?--the Hard Rock Hotel. The ladies get a ginormous suite all to themselves, plus there's a bunch of hideous gifts that Bret has bought for them waiting on a table--all manner of pink cowboy hats, Hot Topic grab bags, and all the doo-rags a girl could ever dream of. There's also a note from Bret indicating that Jessica The Innocent and Destiney, Destiney, No Escaping, Not For Me are to put on what I misheard as "goth" outfits and meet him for a round of golf, while Ambre The Soccer Mom and Daisy de la Trout-a would be having dinner with Bret later. I didn't even blink an eye at the "goth" reference--of course it turned out to be "golf outfits," but it's pretty funny that it made sense within the realm of this show that Bret might have wanted them to play goth golf.

Jessica is totally psyched because she played varsity golf in high school ("varsity"? did she go to Gerald Ford High or something?), while Destiney has never played before. Heather, being enchantingly, delightfully evil, gives the two girls an '8os makeover, ratting out their hair and giving them giant side ponytails and whatnot. Sadly for Heather (and us) Bret sees their new look and is kinda turned on by this visual walk down memory lane. (I like to imagine that sometimes late at night he is visited by the Ghosts of Groupies Past, like an '80s hair band version of Scrooge in A Christmas Carol.)

You are my Density!

Back at the Hard Rock, Heather is continuing her mission of destroying all the contestants' lives, bless her. She asks Daisy and Ambre if they've done it with Bret, and Daisy says, "Yeah, like 500 times!" I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or trying to one-up Heather, but either way, biiiiig mistake, because much like a tiger in a zoo, everyone knows that YOU DO NOT TAUNT THE HEATHER! Ambre has to tell the truth, that she has only, like the rest of the known free world, made-out with Bret in a totally disgusting manner. Daisy interviews, rather unkindly, that she can't imagine Ambre and her "granny panties" doing it with Bret. Well, neither can I, but then I can't imagine anyone doing it with Bret or I might vomit myself to death. And hey, soccer moms can have thongs too! Right under their elastic-waist Lee Mom Jeans™ ! Actually, I bet that would kinda be a turn-on to ole Bret...

Daisy and Heather have some girl talk, and Heather gets Daisy to admit that she doesn't think she has any real competition left, that Bret's doo rag is practically in the bag. Then Heather writes all this down in her slam book and calls Ambre in and shows it to her, so Ambre spills her darkest suspicions--that Daisy is a gold-digger who is trying to find a be-wigged cash cow to get her out of boob job, lip injection, and live-in ex-boyfriend debt. (I must take a moment here to send heartfelt kudos to Friend of Felt Up Skinny J., who hails from Daisy's hometown of Denver, for coining the new nickname "Marilyn Manwich" for Daisy's gothy douche ex-boyfriend. Well-played!) Heather is beside herself with glee and surreptitiously snatches a hair from one of Daisy's extensions to make a hightly effective black magic voodoo doll in order to make Daisy's life a living hell. Oh, Heather. You are a precious gift!

Heather wants Ambre to promise that she'll bring up all this Daisy-in-debt stuff with Bret at their dinner date, and Ambre agrees, because she is now a zombie under Heather's santeria spell! Heather cackles and rubs her claws together in delight, puts some eye of newt into her cocktail, and then mentions that Bret thinks with his penis, which I really wish she hadn't said, because, while true, it is the stuff of horrific nightmares. I keep seeing a wee doo rag and miniature cowboy hat and...well, you get the picture. The terrible, terrible picture.

At the golf course, Jessica shows Bret that she's not just an innocent who can't hold her liquor, she's an innocent who can't hold her liquor who can golf. Destiney can't play golf to save her life, but being no idiot, she, like the song says, accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative by using the golf course as her own personal gynecologist's office, bending over and showing off her nether regions to Bret whenever she gets the chance. Which is often. She gives a whole new meaning to "a hole in one." Jessica tries valiantly to slut it up by making out with Bret constantly, but it feels a bit forced. Bret actually says that this golf course is the kind of place where you can "make love" late at night. I had no idea that Bret writes scripts for Lifetime mini-series!

There's some tension between Daisy and Destiney when the skanks meet up at the hotel room, but then Destiney and Ambre are off for their dinner with Bret. Right off the bat, Bret starts in on Daisy and her relationship with Marilyn Manwich. Daisy reveals the surprising news that Seraphim Shock, her ex's awfully bad band, is not bringing in the bacon and he is not otherwise employed, so she is supporting him. She brings up for the millionth time this lease they signed which is quite unusual in that it is a residential lease on an apartment that lasts approximately 10 years.

Bret suspects that Daisy is leaving some important aspect out of the story, and even though for some strange reason she seems like she'd rather not talk about it on national television, she finally admits that she aborted Marilyn's baby 'wich, and that he was supportive of her through this ordeal and that's why she's still loyal to him. (I saw this coming a mile away, by the way, as soon as she said they'd been through "some crazy-ass shit" together. That is Skank for "abortion," I checked my dictionary.) Of course if they broke up 2 years earlier as she claimed, why are they still so co-dependent? Would Damone have stayed with Stacey in Fast Times for two years? I don't think so.

Ambre sees her chance and breaks into the sobfest to do Heather's dirty work. Ambre wonders how Daisy can afford to support her ex-boyfriend and pay off her enormous debt for her enormous boobs and various other body enhancements, which leads to the shocking--SHOCKING--confession that Daisy is a stripper. Who would've believed it? I totally thought she was a physics professor or read to the blind or something.

Ambre actually thinks that her not being a stripper will be more appealing to Bret! Oh, poor, deluded Ambre.

In the hotel room, Heather keeps stirrin' up the shit by telling the others that Daisy thinks Bret has already chosen her and that she's done it with him 500 times. This news sends Destiney into a fit, and she flings herself upon the pool table that is set up in the suite. She kind of flails around and makes piggy noises. It's not a flattering look for her, but it is pure entertainment for the rest of the known universe. Then we get an awesome quote from Jessica, who says that when Daisy comes back to the room, "it's going to be on like Donkey Kong." You may be a "young soul," Jessica, but sometimes you are very wise.

The second Daisy and Ambre return, Destiney is all up in Daisy's face and they're screaming at each other. Then Ambre gets in on the action and none of it makes any sense, but basically since Kristy Joe left they have to gang up on someone. This all reminds me of Blubber, by Miss Judy Blume, except without a fat girl and with less maturity; it also brings to mind Lord of the Flies, except without a fat boy and with less maturity. Jessica doesn't partake in the melee, because while she may be innocent, she's not retarded. Heather is enjoying watching her well-laid plans come to fruition. She's like Glenn Close playing her evil games in Dangerous Liasons, except without French people and with less maturity.

Daisy tries to leave and go into her room, but they follow her in there, thank god. Heather is damned if she'll let Daisy end up with her "friend," ie Bret, ie the love of her life, and Daisy rather unwisely responds by rolling her eyes at her. Nobody rolls their eyes at Heather! Them's fightin' gestures! Heather throws some kind of drink in Daisy's face! Huzzah! Sad for Daisy, awesome for us!

Just then Big John comes in to bring the skantestants up to Bret's even more ginormous suite for some rockin' good times! Bret, of course, has no idea about the bitchfest that has been going on. He tries to get them to let loose and party, but you can cut the tension with Heather's well-concealed knife. Bret sits them down for some gambling at his private in-room blackjack table, but in about two seconds the fight erupts again between Daisy and Destiney--blah blah living with boyfriend blahbitty blah two years no sex blah blah BLAH! Destiney throws a drink at Daisy and in so doing manages to knock over another glass onto the blackjack table and that is IT, Bret has had ENOUGH and calls in Big John to do...whatever it is Big John is supposed to do in these situations. Bret leaves in disgust! Whassa goin' on? Why must these crazy girls rain on Bret's wig?

Destiney interviews that she might have made a tactical error in losing her cool at Bret's private Las Vegas blackjack table. It's a pretty big deal. Kind of like peeing in the baptismal font in the Vatican--it's just not done.

So of course none of this is dramatic enough for Heather, who tells Daisy that she's "sucking" her way out of debt (hee hee!), and Daisy screams, through tears and sillicone and god knows what else, that her uncle is OSCAR DE LA HOYA, which of course we all already know, having internet stalked her weeks ago, and she says she could've totally gotten money from him if she was so desperate. (I'd love to hear that conversation: "Tio? Es Daisy Waisy! Yo quiero mucho dinero para mis nuevas ta-tas y mis labias gordas, y tambien para mi ex-novio, Senor Marilyn Manwich, porque el es un douchebag y el no trabaje. Gracias!" I realize Oscar de la Hoya is an American, but indulge me!) All this ruckus brings Bret out of his seclusion and he comes in to break up the fight and punish Daisy by taking her into his bedroom for some face time.

They have the exact same soul-searching conversation that they've had 10 gazillion times--is she there for him? does she still care for Manwich? is she there for the right reasons? etc etc. There are no real answers, but she leaves feeling better about things and goes back to her suite, where the haters are waitin' for some hatin' on her.

The next day Destiney is in a bit of a panic that her drunken behavior might send her home.

Heather comes in to talk with Bret and finalize her plan to eradicate all women on Earth who might compete with her for his love. And more power to her! I know I'm safe. She tells Bret that Ambre would be more comfortable in a Dodge Caravan than on his tour bus, that Jessica is too innocent and young to handle his rock-n-roll lifestyle (they all act like Bret's life is one long orgiastic Exile On Main Street tour, when really it's like three dates a year at Knott's Berry Farm, which I think Jessica could manage), and Destiney is too much of a rocker for his rock-n-roll lifestyle, somehow. Basically, they are not Heather and thus must be smote down. Smote, I say!

Then Bret totally breaks the world's heart and makes Heather leave! She's too much of a distraction! They talk about being great friends and blah blah blah, but it's pretty tragic. Don't go, Heather! Come back! COME BACK! (However, on the upside I did discover that there is unaired footage of Bret and Heather making out and rolling around on the bed right before she takes off! Check out the interview about it with Heather here!)

Bret sets up shop in the empty Hard Rock club (I believe the same one where he played during last season's infinitely more festive Las Vegas trip) so he can talk to Jessica about his many, many endless concerns about her innocence and lack of jaded whore freakiness that he feels is de rigeur for manning the merch booth while he's singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at the State Fair. Jessica tries to assuage his fears by saying she can be the unstable, cruel, bitch slut rock-n-roller he needs her to be! She can, she can, she can! She will be whatever she needs to be to win his heart! She will remake herself into any image that will get her victory! Jessica is the Hillary Clinton of "Rock of Love 2."

Then Bret calls in Daisy. He still feels like there are things she's keeping from him. And because he presses her, she finally reveals the single best secret ever kept on this or any other tv show in the history of man: SHE HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH BRET'S FELLOW POISON MEMBER C.C. DEVILLE! Yee-ha! Although she swears she only "befriended" C.C. and that it was never sexual, Bret is mighty disturbed. As well he should be. If the tv gods were kind and benelovent, they would have brought C.C. to Vegas right then and there and let the three of them hash it out for our viewing pleasure! (I looooove C.C. Deville! He sounds just like an olden-timey Borscht Belt comedian but with glam make-up and giant spiky blonde hair! He made the Poison "Behind The Music." He is a delight.) But, alas, 'twas not to be. They do not bring in C.C. to have a heart-to-heart-to-fake-boob confab. They tease us, but they do not please us.

Bret is, naturally, concerned about all this, but he also says he's "massively attracted" to her. Bret has the worst taste I have ever seen. Daisy looks like Hedwig and Alexis Arquette's lovechild, mixed with Janice the Muppet, but less pretty.

Daisy interviews that she's worried all this information may lead to her elimination. And then she acts like there are still MORE hidden, potentially-reality-show-ending secrets that she has not yet imparted! Is she Bret's long-lost daughter? Does she have a terminal disease? Was she (allegedly) raped by Rikki Rocket? WHAT ELSE COULD THERE BE?

At eliminations, Daisy seems to be having an epileptic fit of some kind. Seriously, she's crying, shaking, gurgling, and mewing all at the same time. But she need not worry, for she gets the first pass! Wow. Bret really, really likes the crazies. The crazies with the big fake boobs. Destiney starts crying, because she sees the writing on the wall, and it says, "I May Be Escaping My Destiney After All." Then Ambre gets called, which is not a big surprise, and now it's down to Jessica and Destiney.

He talks a bit about Jessica's Mother Teresa-like purity and "young soul," and then he discusses his fears that that Destiney might get in a fight with a fan and cause a potential lawsuit. (Really? Bret would be personally liable if his fake girlfriend attacked an overly-friendly groupie with a broken bottle? Who knew?) In the end, crazy potential legal liability wins out over sweetness and light, and Jessica is sent packing.

Jessie, we hardly knew ye.

If I feel like I just finished the Bataan Death March re-capping this thing, how must Bret Michaels feel? He LIVED it! Isn't this supposed to be fun? Oh, Bret. Please, I beg of you, just dump all three of these skanks on the final episode like that guy on "The Bachelor" and run off into the sunset with Heather! PLEASE!

Next week, Ambre's dad comes on the show. She's young enough to have a living parent? (That was mean, I'm sorry. I'm very depressed about Heather's exit from our lives!)


Meg said...

excellent recap, thank you!

Anonymous said...

VH1 should spend their production $ on paying you for your recaps. i mean, we only watch the show to see what you'll write next.

i'll put THAT in my slam book, thank-you-very-much!


Anonymous said...

Seraphim Shock used to be gothic, and they used to be a good band.

But practically immediately as soon as that Daisy cunny entered it, they all went to shit from there.

As for Charles Edward, he has many fans in the gothic community, and outside, and all the music they make is from his own funding.

And he's obviously made enough money to fund it for this long.

I've been listening to them for at least a good ten years.

But I'd say they were at their best, before that Daisy cunny entered it.

Anonymous said...

And for the record, you ignorant little shit.

Your coinage that included the word Marilyn in it.

*Gags* Jesus Christ, he's about as gothic as Hot Topic.

And Hot Topic is a curse word in the gothic community. As is Marilyn Manson.

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