Monday, March 03, 2008

Spinal Tapping

Apologies to Friend of Felt Up David B., who was out of town for the last episode of "Rock of Love" and missed the viewing party, but just as every rose has its thorn, I'm afraid that every blog has its spoilers. Avert your eyes, David B.! At least until next week! (Also, in case you were worried, no one wore your special "Rock of Love"-viewing headband. It remains sacrosanct.)



**LIKE I SAID**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**BIG, FAKE, SILICONE-ENHANCED SPOILERS!**

The show begins in the early hours o' the morn, ie, noon, when Bret Michaels is communing with his wig by the pool, only to be interrupted by Inna, who is concerned that their "connection" is waning. Bret acknowledges that their connection started off strong and now is dying. When did this show become set at a Girl Scout summer camp out? (Oh, fond memories of s'mores and slam books at Camp Cookie. But I digress.) Why all this endless discussion of connections and feelings and "being there" for Bret? SIGH!

The challenge this week is for the contestants to put on an old school USO show for "the troops," which the girls and most of the television audience probably assume meant current Iraq/Afghanistan military personnel, but in fact refers to ancient old men who must have served in WW II or possibly Korea, and their wives. In order to get their "talent" in tip-top form, Bret has brought in some pros, Misses Joan Arlene and Shirley Claire, who have been entertaining the troops for 50 years and look amazing in French cut leotards. Leg up!

Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica team up to do a hula-hoop number while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution. A more perfect union, indeed. Inna and Destiney are going to "dance." I think you know the kind of dancing I mean. Ambre the soccer mom and possibly psychotic/definitely eye-brow challenged Kristy Joe pair up to tappa tappa tappa together, badly. And the piece de resistance: Daisy, Our Lady of Perpetual Trout Lipness, is going to sing the national anthem. All I can say is: WOW.

Inna and Destiney try to practice in front of Joan Arlene, and she is understandably critical of their complete lack of professionalism, coordination, or talent. Joan hasn't seen this big a bomb since Dresden. Inna loses it and starts yelling at the old lady. Uh oh. This does not bode well for Inna's connection problems with Bret! Dun dun dun.

The show begins and the audience in the USO hall is, as I mentioned, completely filled with men who look like Blue from Old School and his wife, if he'd had one. They're all in their uniforms and though I think almost all men enjoy gratuitous boobie viewing, it still seems disrespectful and something of a travesty that these people who gave so much for their country are going to be subjected to the likes of these.

Ah five, six, seven, eight! Kristy Joe and Ambre are first, and although Ambre is okay, Kristy Joe comes gallumphing out with the grace and majesty of a drunk bison performing the hokey-pokey. At least they manage to keep the audience in the dark as to their gynocological situations, which is more than I can say for some of the other ladies.

Then Jessica and Megan the Mega Bitch come out to do their Hula Hoops For the Troops routine. Apparently Megan has never before encountered the Preamble to the Constitution, or the word "posterity," in her entire life. She makes Jessica look like Madame Curie. They decide to spice it up a bit by removing much of their clothing until they are down to their teensy red, white, and blue bikinis. But again, their act is comparatively classy, and no laws are broken (although even I--bleeding heart that I am--cringed at the sight of the two using the American flag to slap each other on the ass; isn't that desecrating Old Glory in front of the vets?). They are so hilariously bad that everyone in the audience has tears of laughter flowing down their faces.

Destiney and Inna, knowing full well that they are terrible at dancing, decide to take their clothes, off, too, but in a much more distressing way. There's a lot of bending over, ass-slapping, and general whorishness all around. Everyone is fairly aghast, even Bret, although I don't know what he thought he was doing, bringing this group of sloots to the USO and parading their "talents" in front of ancient veterans and their wives. Did he think the contestants would rise above their limitations? Does he expect miracles? Would he put deaf people up there to sing the National Anthem without an intepreter?

Speaking of which, the final act is Daisy, Patron Saint of Restylane, and her rendition of our nation's signature song. I'm not sure how this is possible, but even though she has the words in front of her, she can't remember the lyrics or anything else about the anthem. At all. The audience dutifully stands up and tries valiantly to sing along, but they are singing through tears--of pain or laughter, it's hard to tell. She massacres that song. Those vets would have had much better luck with Ms. Roseanne Barr, and you know how that turned out.

In the end the audience chooses the winning team via their applause, and unsurprisingly they pick Jessica and Megan the Mega Bitch's Hoops for the Troops. They win a terrible dream date with Bret!

Back at the Ho Motel, Bret and the ladies sit down for some dinner, and right away Bret wants to stir up trouble by forcing them to tell him who they think is there for the "right reasons" and who isn't. No one wants to say anything about anyone else, not even Megan the Mega Bitch, but surprisingly enough, Ambre the Minivan Princess decides that she has to call out Kristy Joe for being two kinds of person--real, and not real. Or something. Basically she talks--with tears running down her face--about Kristy Joe (who is Ambre's roommate, as well as her tap dancin' team mate) being two-faced and wanting to go home and having two ex-husbands and/or one current husband, and the usual blah blah blah about Kristy Joe.

Kristy Joe says, in a flat, monotone zombie voice, that no one's opinion of her matters but Bret's. Suddenly Destiney is enraged and screaming her head off at Kristy Joe, something about not showing her emotions. Or something. Sometimes I have trouble understanding these people, as my Skank-to-English is a little rusty. They both jump up and yell at each other for some time, and then eventually calm down. Bret gets all pissy and demands to know, yet again, if Kristy Joe is there for him or not and leaves the table in a total huff. It is odd, since he started the whole argument in the first place by forcing each girl to talk trash about the others.

Kristy Joe starts packing her bags to leave, until Bret comes in and stops her. More blah blah blah "are you for real? are you here for ME?" blabberty blab blab with Kristy Joe that frankly is wearing thin. They have this same exact conversation every single week! Meanwhile, Ambre is in a shame spiral, worrying herself to death that Bret will be mad at her for being a rat-faced little-bootied tattle-tale, even though he started all this crap himself.

Then Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica and Bret go off on their horrible date at...horrible Ed Hardy's! I mean, I enjoy tattoos as much as the next person, but that crap is so played out! Once Tori Spelling gets an Ed Hardy diaper bag, it is ALL OVER. Anyway, the big treat for the two gals is to pick out t-shirts and get them "custom coutured" by some dude who works at the shop. His version of "custom couture" is slicing up the tee shirts with a pair of scissors until they look like those '80s shirts from the beach that had strips hanging off the bottom with beads and crap dangling. Somewhere Coco Chanel is spinning in her grave at this outrageous affront to the couture tradition. Jessica is rather sweetly enthralled that a man is buying her gifts (if by "buy" she means "have donated for a promotional consideration by a corporate sponsor"), and Megan the Mega Bitch bitchily bitches that Jessica is "pathetic" for never having whored herself out before for a few trinkets.

At dinner (in an actual restaurant! not in Ed Hardy's sweat shop!), Megan the Mega Bitch bitchily brings up Inna's fight with Joan, the USO lady, and this upsets Bret no end, who laments that lost connection with Inna again and gets his gander up over Inna being "disrespectful" to his girl Joan. Dun dun dun dun dun!

Back at the Skankton Inn, Ambre decides to make amends with Kristy Joe, since they have to room together, but Kristy Joe is all, "whatevs." Oh, well.

Elimination time. Bret says right off the bat that he doesn't want drama or "mediocracy" in his life. OH NO HE DIDN'T! Did no one affiliated with this show take him aside after last season's malapropism problems? Specifically with his repeated use of "mediocracy"? How could he not know by now that there is no such word? I'm truly embarrassed for him. Oh, god!

Ambre, despite her worries, gets the first pass. She is elated and plans on celebrating by taking the kids to Disneyland in her Dodge Caravan. Destiney, Jessica, Megan the Mega Bitch, and carpy harpy Daisy all get passes, which means Kristy Joe and Inna are the final two.

And no surprise here...Inna goes home. What with losing that fabled "connection" and not getting along with the old lady in the leotard, she was doomed. So Kristy Joe is in, much to the chagrin of every single other woman in that house, especially Ambre and Destiney. Like Kristy Joe without her eyebrows painted on, I predict this is going to get UGLY.

PS
Where the hell is Heather?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

As I know he mentioned, during the dinner heated conversation, Boo Bear was in the other room and was drawn back to the tv for what he thought was a severe weather alert. Nope. Just EXTREME curse-word bleeping. :o)

Anonymous said...

I second your Heather lament. Each week after watching this show is an hour of my life I can never get back. All I want is Heather! Season 2 is SO lame.

Terri R.