Monday, March 24, 2008

Knock Me Over With A Heather!

Whassa goin' on, skanks? It's time again for your "Rock of Love" recap, and oh, what an exciting episode we had last night--finally! I'm not going to beat around the bush, let's just jump into the good stuff, shall we?



**SPOILERS AHEAD**

**BIG, GINORMOUS, SILICONE-ENHANCED**

**SPOILERS!**

Bret Michaels decides the best way to find out juicy details about the contestants in his "house of lies" is to have their ex-boyfriends come on the show and talk about their relationships! (I would like to pause here and tip my hat to the genius who came up with this scheme! Kudos, sir or madam! Kudos!)

First in the door is Destiney's ex-husband, a rather dapper dude in a cap named Adam. (Did we already know that she had been married?) As soon as he sees his ex-wife he starts doing the scene from Young Frankenstein where Gene Wilder is having a nightmare and shrieks, "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping, not for me! Destiny! Destiny!" OK, that might have been me, not him. Then in comes the ex of Jessica The Innocent; his name is Casey and he has a stupid hat on. Megan The Mega Bitch's ex comes sauntering in wearing what we find out later is a t-shirt promoting "Swill," his bar in Chicago. Her ex-boyfriend is a bitch, too! The next guy in the door is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and looks like a dad from the suburbs, so naturally he's there for Ambre The Soccer Mom, although it turns out that he's just a friend of hers, because none of her exes would agree to come and talk trash about her on national television in order to promote a band/business. (Which raises Ambre's stature in my book!)

They have saved the best, or worst, for last, because the final ex to walk in is Charles, the douchiest douche who ever douched! He dated Daisy, Our Lady of the Speckled Trout Lips, and he is beyond belief. They are in a very terrible goth-lite band called Seraphim Shock in Las Vegas, and if you look up "Vegas gothpuss douche" in the dictionary, you will see a drawing of Charles. The dude is all pumped up like Glenn Danzig's douchey younger brother who works at Hot Topic, and is wearing black eyeliner, a wife-beater undershirt, and a hat with a "White Trash" patch sewn on it; he also has the world's worst dyed black chin pubes and straightened starchy black hair. He makes Pete Wentz look like Jimi Hendrix. He makes Christian Siriano look like Dick Cheney. He can barely utter a syllable! He is a grotesque! He is mesmerizing! Poor Daisy is having a nervous breakdown.


El Douche and Daisy.

AND FINALLY IT HAPPENS! What we've been waiting for lo these many weeks! Finally, dear God in heaven blessed us with this miracle! Glory, glory hallelujah, in comes HEATHER!!! And oh, she is a sight to behold, resplendent in newly-attached extensions, a dress cut down to her ladyparts, and a more refined elder-stateswoman stripper demeanor. Huzzah! Her job is to hang with the skanks and get them dizrunk so that they spill their guts and then she can run and blab it all to Bret. Double huzzah! Oh, Heather, you are the wind between my legs!


HEATHER!

The dudes all go off to a lame cigar bar, where only Bret actually wants to smoke cigars. Ambre's neighbor from the cul-de-sac has only nice things to say about his fellow PTA member, and Jessica The Innocent's ex says that she is, indeed, sweet-n-innocent. Megan The Megabitch's ex tells Bret that Megan is good times and also sort of a bitch. And is kind of a user. And has been on other reality shows before. Bret is shocked--SHOCKED--to hear that Megan might not really be there for him!

Back at Skank Manor, everyone does shots and gets into the teeniest bikinis this side of a 2 Live Crew video. Jessica The Innocent decides she has to show Heather that she is a cool and sophisticated rocker who is definitely NOT innocent and is really a dirty, filthy whore rolling around the muck in the gutter! She will show her this by getting out of her mind blotto drunk. Heather and Megan and Jessica get in the hot tub and talk trash about Destiney, whom they think is too much of a rock groupie to be good for Bret. Then eagle-eyed Heather demands to know why Megan seems familiar and she is forced to admit that she was on "Beauty and the Geek." A-ha! You can almost see the wheels turning in Heather's awesome evil mind!

Heather questions Destiney about her one-woman music appreciation society, and she mentions that not only does she love Poison, but also Motley Crue, AC/DC and Great White. Is Destiney the best-preserved 40-year-old on the planet or did she travel here in a time machine from the 1987 senior prom or what? I think I just fell in love with Destiney a little bit.

Pretty soon Heather has the girls drunk as skunks and doing nude cartwheels across the lawn. I hope Big John got a cheap thrill, at least.

Back at the stupid cigar bar, Bret learns from Destiney's ex-husband that she loooves to par-tay with rock stars. Bret is concerned that she might be a bit of a groupie. Then Bret asks Daisy's ex-boyfriend Douchey McMassengill if he and Daisy are still doing it, and though Douchey says "no," Bret doesn't quite believe him.

Meanwhile, back at the House of Lies, Megan the Megabitch bitchily tells Heather that Jessica, her supposed bestest buddy, is too innocent for the likes of Bret, and so of course Jessica, in an effort to prove her wrong, downs more shots and then weeps. Also weeping is Daisy, who is having some sort of Douche-related meltdown. When she can no longer bear the weight on her shoulders (or on her lips) she goes to Heather to confess the humongous secret that is tearing her up inside: SHE STILL LIVES WITH EL DOUCHE! Dun-dun-dun! However, it's not quite as dramatic as everyone on this entire show thinks it is, because she says--and I do believe her--that they are no longer boinking and they are just good friends. Perhaps it rings true because while I can indeed imagine there's no countries, no religion, no possessions, and all the people living life in peace, I cannot imagine wanting to do it with that douchebag. Ever.

So this goes on for a while. Heather is all, "Oh, no you didn't." And Daisy is all "blubberty blub blah blaaaaaah I signed a lease blah sputter I was in a bad situation before baa bah blurb." It's all rather confusing, but the bottom line is she's in trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Douche!

The dudes continue on their journey of discovery by heading to a Dave & Buster's in some mall. Oh, Bret Michaels. You are a 13 year-old-boy trapped under the wig of a grown man!

In an effort to dispel the rumor that she is a sweet innocent naif, Jessica has been pounding back drinks like a rugby team on spring break in Ireland. She begins to feel unwell, so someone makes the world's saddest ham sandwich and flops it around her face. This was the comedy high point of the show; as Friend of Felt Up Gilliam C. pointed out, the girls appeared to be using this hunk of bread and cheese as a "Smelling Sandwich" in lieu of salts. Alas, The Smelling Sandwich did not manage to rouse Jessica out of her drunken stupor, nor did blowing chunks into the trashcan. As many of us are aware (albeit through hearsay, of course, not personal exprerience, oh no!) the only cure for her condition is Time. And perhaps a Nurofen Plus or ten.


TIMBER! Jessica takes Heather down with her.

Of course it is at this precise moment that Bret comes home. Jessica flings herself on him and spews sweet nothings, and chunks, at him, saying "I don't want to be alone" and "I hate you." Bret rather tenderly tells her that he doesn't hate her, he loves her (I'll bet off-camera Heather was breathing FIRE) and she says she would never hurt him. Awww, that's kind of sweet! Extreme alcohol poisoning can be so romantic.

Heather and Bret go off to for their SALT II Treaty-esque discussions of the skanks. Heather thinks Jessica is too young for Bret, and Bret may possibly agree. He says she has a "young soul." Maybe he can get that ridiculous guru back to confirm this? Heather also thinks Megan the Mega Bitch may be using Bret to further her career of being a reality show mega bitch.

Elswhere in the Ho Hotel, Megan and her ex are discussing why he came on the show and she figures out that it was only so he could wear the stupid t-shirt for his stupid bar on VH1 and then she starts crying because she still loves this balding creep (I would say he's a douche, but in the presence of such greatness as Charles, such descriptions are practically meaningless). Soccer mom Ambre witnesses this little exchange and takes Megan under her maternal wing to get the scoop. In a moment of weakness, Megan spills the beans that she is still on an emotional roller coaster over a guy in a Swig t-shirt.

Heather and Bret continue to debate personality flaws. Heather rightly points out that Ambre seems like she's be more comfortable taking the kids to Little League practice than taking part in Bret's rock-n-roll lifestyle. On the other hand, Destiney is perhaps a bit too much into the rock thing and may be a groupie. Then Heather casually throws out that Daisy still lives with El Douche. So basically, Heather thinks the only one in the house right for Bret is Heather. And the whole world agrees.

Bret is reeling from the Daisy/Douche co-habitation news, so he takes the two of them outside to discuss this vital issue. Daisy tells him that they are best friends are definitely not doing it anymore. El Douche kind of grunts every now and then. When Bret asks him if he'd mind if Daisy was Bret's Rock of Love, he says "fire BAD!" and puffs out his chest.

Bret goes inside to consult the I-Ching on these earth-shattering developments in his fake love life. Ambre takes the opportunity to rat out Megan and her feelings for the ex-boyfriend. Bret sends for Megan, who leaps onto him so she can do her patented Bret-straddle. She denies Ambre's report and says that she "must be confused." Bret is massaging her tum-tum and seems to be losing focus on the issue at hand.

Poor Jessica wakes up to find that her reputation is no longer that of an innocent, but now is that of an innocent who pukes. Oh, well. She's determined to make it to the eliminations, though, which is more than can be said about that girl from the first episode--remember her, the one that passed out drunk and slept through the eliminations? Oh, how young and gay and fancy-free I felt way back then. Before the endless agonies of Kristy Joe made me a hardened old crone...

In case we weren't already impressed with the unusual amount of screen time given to Heather, she actually accompanies Bret to the eliminations! All hail Queen Heather! Oh, my god she looks so awesome. She's wearing this flowy zebra print dress that's short in the front and long in the back and there are cut-outs and a plunging neckline that makes the whole world her mammographer. Oh, God, Heather you rule!

Ambre, who notes that she didn't vomit, isn't still living with her boyfriend, and isn't a stripper, feels safe, and she is. Although I think not being a stripper is more of a hindrance than a help in this sitch, Ambre. Destiney is also safe. Daisy is safe, despite the fact that she desperately needs to put some Preparation H on those bags under her eyes and is also still living in Sin City with El Douche.

So the final two are Megan the Mega Bitch and Jessica, and Megan can't believe it! Jessica sorta can. But in the end it is Jessica who gets to stay and rock Bret's world, much to Megan's shock. She goes down to get her good-bye and just stands there, seemingly unable to move or speak. She stands there for a very long time. An uncomfortably long time. A bizarrely long time. I felt like she was not so much upset that she had lost a chance of fake love with Bret, but that she could not believe that someone as hot herself was actually going to have to find yet another reality show on which to sell what is left of her soul. She refuses to kiss Bret! That is considered bad form.


(crickets)

Then Bret tells the remaining girls that not only are they all flying of to Las Vegas but Heather is coming along! HUZZAH! The previews indicate that the whole show becomes like a demented drunken stripper version of a Judy Blume novel, with all the skanks ganging up on Daisy and hazing her until she wants to kill herself. I CANNOT WAIT.

4 comments:

Meg said...

Wad this not the episode you were waiting for? I think it has been pretty sub-par up to this point, compared to season 1, but this episode was fan-tas-tic! I think the sandwich laying on Jessica's face was the high point for me.

Anonymous said...

Heather is my heroine. I want to shoot her into my veins and listen to jazz. Or Great White.

Terri R.

identity crisis said...

I think my father described rock of love best through tears of laughter: "these girls have the combined IQ of a raccoon" He also admitted that, although I forced this episode upon him, he will be tuning in next week.

identity crisis said...

oh, i also watched the rock of love extras at that stupid site they're always promoting. Here's what I learned: Daisy's real name is Vanessa Someboringlastnamenotdelahoya AND Heather actually dared Destiny to get naked, do a cart-wheel AND pee on Bret's door... which she did!!! Viva La Heather! Oh, they also show a part where heather is asking drunk Jessica if Bret's asked about her (her being Heather)!! She's still in love!!!!!