Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Just Like Every Eyebrow Must Be Closely Shorn

Hello, skanks! Whassa goin' on? Your humble Felt Up blogette is starting the long road to post-South By Southwest recovery. She should be feeling somewhat better some time in August. Also, she is reeling from last night's dramatic episode of "Rock of Love." Such sturm und drang! Such emotional turmoil! Such cheap, terrible clothing!

Let's get the party started, shall we?

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**AIN'T NOTHIN'**

**BUT A SPOILED THING**


Thespians!

We begin where so many great pieces of theater begin--in a home gym, where a bunch of sloots are working out. Kristy Joe thinks back on Bret's stated concerns--over and over and over again, ad nauseum--that she is not really "there for him," and decides she needs to take action. Jesus, this show sure has its own personal set of tired, worn-out cliches! You have be there for Bret, for the right reasons, by stepping up your game and getting a lot of face-time with Bret and really make a connection with him. AAAAH!

To combat Bret's perception that she is a loony tune freak-a-deak with no eyebrows who might be there for the dreaded wrong reasons, Kristy Joe decides to call her second husband and inform him that they shall be now be divorcing so that she can pursue a polyamorous televised sexual relationship with the lead singer of Poison. Apparently this is news to hubby numero dos, which means that she has been lying to everyone--even BRET!--about her current situation. Several times she had said that she was in the process of divorcing the guy, but no, she's telling him now. On the phone. In front of a TV audience.

Kristy Joe wants to tell Bret the great news, but he's busy driving around in his convertible with his wig a' blowin' in the breeze.

Back at Skank Manor, the ladies are informed that their challenge will be to produce two videos for Bret's "music." The creative director of the winning video gets to go on a solo date with Bret somewhere awful, and the other team members will get a group date somewhere awful. They listen to the songs; one is the terrible, terrible theme to the show and the other is a terrible, terrible slow jam. They divide into two teams--Jessica, Daisy, and Destiney on one and Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Megan the Mega Bitch on the other. Ambre literally gets down on her bruised and bloodied knees to beg her teammates to let her be creative director. She really is stepping up her game! Sadly, it is rather a pathetic display.

Destiney, for no good reason, is the creative director of team 2. You are my Density!

Ambre has a whole concept in mind for the slow jam video: Kristy Joe is going to be sad and depressed, Megan will be a total mega bitch, and someone will shove a flower at Kristy Joe and cheer her up. (Too bad they didn't have a divorce decree pushed in her face instead.) It is a mound of crap, but it like Citizen Kane compared to the video that Destiney and her crew come up with. I couldn't make heads or tails out of the "plot"; I think Jessica is supposed to be a virginal school girl and is lead into the wild side of life by a trout-lipped stripper. The main cinematic influence seemed to be the video for ZZ Top's "Legs."

Everything is going great until the editing process begins. Ambre's team has some trouble--their editor's computer freezes up and won't function. The way Ambre is behaving--pulling out her hair, making everyone pray over the computer--I thought they had barely finished editing any of it, but it turned out fine (if by fine you mean a travesty of video-making). The other team didn't have that level of bad luck, but their editor sure did. The poor guy looked remarkably stoic in the face of the screeching hyenas shouting at him about where to cut their tacky stripper video; on the other hand, he also looked like he wanted to kill them and then himself, perhaps by impaling everyone on a stripper pole.

Finally it was time for the grand viewing. Ambre's team's video was, of course, terrible--trite, cliched, wooden. The final scene of a red flower brightening Kristy Joe's mood (signaled by the film going from black and white to color!) made a mockery of every great video ever made; however, it was like the baby carriage scene in The Battleship Potemkin compared to the part in Destiney's video in which Daisy sucks Jesssica's index finger with her ginormous fake fish lips. In the end, Bret surprisingly chooses pathos over poontang and crowns Ambre's team the winners.

Which means that Kristy Joe gets yet another date (albeit with Megan the Mega Bitch along), and this is more than poor Daisy can bear. Later she sits in the kitchen, crying and carrying on and railing to a deaf God that it isn't fair! Kristy Joe walks in and walks back out without responding. Daisy throws a real zinger at he as she departs: "I hope you have fun on your date tomorrow!" I really thought she would add, "NOT!" but apparently she thought the tone of her voice would adequately convey the intended bitter, cruel irony. She then collapses into her hoodie.

Soon enough it's time for Ambre's solo date with Bret, and after all her hard work and blood, sweat, and tears, I'm sorry to report that this involves going into Bret's bedroom, sitting on pillows next to a hookah, and getting her chakras cleansed by an Indian guru. Well, I'm not that sorry. The guru has them all hold hands and he says that Ambre and Bret have known each other since the 12th century. Did they even have soccer back then? What about minivans? Bret asks Ambre how old she is, which is kind of unchivalrous if you ask me. She's not a day over 700 years old!


Chakra Kahn, Chakra Kahn, let me rock you Chakra Kahn.

In the mean time, Kristy Joe wants to talk to Bret for the 14, 000th time about her past and her feelings and her heart being on her sleeve and her restraining order. So she just comes banging on the door and barges in on Ambre's date. Bret decides to sic the guru on Kristy Joe! Heh. Serves her right. He asks Kristy Joe if she's ever seen a "sad mountain" or a "frustrated gluestick" or some crazy crap. Kristy Joe is nonplussed. Back in Bret's room, Ambre and Bret start making out, and Bret interviews that she is the best kisser in the house. Well, he should know! Also: Eww.

Kristy Joe gets her face time with Bret and tells him, like a complete moron, that she just told her second husband she wants a divorce. Now, Bret Michaels is many things--rocker, lover, wearer of doo-rags, fine wig connoisseur--but he's not an idiot. He immediately susses out that this information means Kristy Joe was lying through her missing eyebrows when she told him earlier that the divorce was already happening. However, he doesn't seem all that angry about this. Because, as we find out all too soon, HE IS MADLY, PASSIONATELY IN LURVE WITH KRISTY JOE.

Meanwhile, Daisy, Jessica, and Destiney sit on the staircase, fully aware that Kristy Joe is doing something unspeakable with Bret. Jessica loses it completely and wails to the heavens in a manner not unlike Meryl Streep in A Cry In The Night when a dingo took her baby.

The next day it is time for the three-way date with Megan the Mega Bitch and Kristy Joe. Unlike poor, sad Ambre, they are treated to a meal in a restaurant. Megan decides to help her digestion by straddling Bret and making out with him in front of Kristy Joe, who leaves. Eventually Bret disentangles himself from Megan's haunches and seeks out Kristy Joe, who is understandably sulky. They have a weird conversation--she says she doesn't like him, or something? I think? Then Megan the Mega Bitch barges in before we can figure out what is going on.


When in doubt, tonsil hockey!

Back at House of Hos, Kristy Joe comes back from her dream date and is confronted with a furious Ambre, who totally goes off on Kristy Joe about her being a loony tune nutty nutball. I don't know
what her fellow moms back on the soccer field will think when they get a load of all the f-bombs she dropped on Kristy Joe! At first Kristy Joe just stares back with her usual blank Kabuki mask, but eventually gets riled up and yells back. Blah blah blah stressed out blah Bret blah sick of it blah blah messing with her head blahbitty blah BLAH.

Elimination time. Ambre gets the first pass, and she is as pleased as 900 year old punch. Then Daisy is called upon to continue to rock his world, and she giddily accepts. Then it's Jessica and Destiney, who was pretty worried since she directed the losing video.

So it's down to Kristy Joe and Megan the Mega Bitch, who is in total shock that her dinner time lap ride didn't do her any favors. Bret calls Kristy Joe down, and here is where everything goes horribly, horribly awry. Bret tells her that he feels a connection and it's been a roller coaster ride and he cares about her and asks her if she will stay in the house and continue to rock his world. She replies that she has a lot of stuff to take care of back home. Megan is standing there, ignored and forgotten. Kristy Joe cries. Bret offers to help her take care of her problems at home (I don't know how he proposes to do that, exactly; perhaps he thought he could offer her a dainty doo rag to wipe her tears when things got rough in divorce court?). Kristy Joe decides to leave so she can go home and handle her affairs. Bret WALKS HER OUT the door, leaving Megan there like a lump. An angry, bitchy lump. Bret clearly LOVES LOVES LOVES this eyebrowless psycho! He is visibly upset! Whassa going on, Bret? This ain't a good time! After she goes he throws her backstage pass on the ground! It lies there, alone. A backstage pass of LIES AND SADNESS.

He goes back in and dejectedly tells Megan she gets to stay by default. Then he leaves them all so he can BE ALONE. No Bret Brew! Just Bret brood! This is serious, dudes.

Afterwards I asked Friend of Felt Up and "Rock of Love" go-to guy David B. if Bret was diminished in his eyes after this display, and he replied that Bret wasn't exactly up on a pedastal to him in the first place, but I think I speak for all viewers when I say we were left dazed and disturbed after seeing Bret Michaels fall so deeply in love with a contestant on his reality show. I feel like I just saw Hugh Hefner marry an age-appropriate brunette on "The Girls Next Door." THESE ARE ABOMINATIONS AGAINST NATURE!



The good news is that next week we not only get the much-anticipated return of Heather, but also the producers have the genius idea of bringing the ladies' ex-boyfriends on the show! Including the douchebag who plays in Daisy's ungodly bad goth band, Seraphim Shock!
I just hope Bret is back on form. This will not stand. THIS AGRESSION WILL NOT STAND!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am seriously counting the minutes until I can be with Heather again. The previews with her in it were 200X more fun than this entire stupid Season 2.

Terri R.

HookaLova said...

I have actually had my Chakras cleared by a Guru as well! He said that my spiritual Chakra point was quite clear! Oh and like Bret we happened to have a hooka near by too!