Howdy, ya'll, and welcome to your "Rock of Love" recap, Rodeo's Rodeo edition! This episode had as many ups and downs as a heaving, surgery-enhanced bosom on a runaway mule. The agony! The ecstasy! The total revulsion! Let's get right to it, shall we?
**SPOILERS, AT THE DRIVE-IN**
**IN THE OLD MAN'S FORD**
**BEHIND THE BUSHES**
**UNTIL I'M SCREAMIN' FOR MORE**
So finally we get a reunion (albeit far too brief!) with fan favorite Rodeo, last season's lovable lunatic with a heart of gold, abs of steel, and numerous product lines, including, but not limited to, organic sausage, BBQ sauce, and workout wear. Oh, how we've missed you and your demonic cackle, Rodeo! She rides up on a horse, looking quite fetching with her western-wear encased bazooms, and tells the contestants that they look beautiful--not! Rodeo, you are a hoot. Of course the ostensible reason for her triumphant return is a contest for the skanks--a rodeo, natch, which is sort of complicated and involves some lassoin' and barrel racin' and such and will culminate in a yank-the-doo-rag-off-the-greased-pigs competition. Classy! Also, not demeaning in the slightest!
The contestants are divided up into two teams, and once again, Megan the Megabitch is not picked for either team, which she thinks is due to jealousy of her extreme hotness, but she forces herself upon the Blue Team, headed by Catherine, Our Lady of the Bad '80s Hairdo, who totally dooms herself with all her talk about horses being her life and how her very existence is dependent on winning this challenge. Also, she's Bret's age so she hasn't got a hope in hell. Inna The Love Tank, Daisy McTroutlips, and Poor Man's Rodeo Peyton make up the rest of the team.
The Red Team is captained by Ambre, Patron Saint of the Minivan, whose knees are all dinged up from the Mud Bowl football game, which was apparently the day before. Ouch! She picks Destiney, Jessica, and Kristy Joe. After the other events, the two teams are tied, so the pig wrasslin' is going to decide their fate. Inna is no slouch and gets the first bandanna; then Daisy enters the fray and is pretty much outsmarted by the pigs, whom she thinks must have "gone to college." I'm fairly certain that the dumbest pig in that pit was more intelligent than the smartest "Rock of Love" contestant. Jessica, the previously mute blonde who had spent approximately thirty seconds on camera thus far, gets the final doo-rag, so the Red Team wins, of course. Jessica is picked as MVP, so she gets the coveted "one-on-one" date with Bret Michaels. Catherine is thrown into paroxysms of grief, self-flagellation, rage, and despair, as is Peyton, who also judged herself a horsewoman of the highest caliber.
A meeting of the minds.
The rest of the Red Team gets ready for their group date by putting on some seriously whorish hooker outfits, especially Destiney, who looks like she stepped off the set of Sloots! The Musical! Their destination? A restaurant called Opaque where the patrons eat in total darkness, for some unknown reason. Just when you think you've seen this show go to a new low in dining concepts (lingerie store, beer-in-ceiling-tubes, Kristy Joe cooking at home) they manage to plumb new depths of retardedness. So in they go, led by their blind waiter, who should thank his lucky stars he can't see what is about to happen, unlike us. We are shown the room via night-vision cameras, which gives everything, especially Bret's face, a creepy green hue. During dinner, Ambre blah blah blahs obliviously about taking the kids to soccer practice or whatever she blathers on about, while Kristy Joe takes the opportunity to explore Bret's mouth with her tongue and pinch his nipples. It is beyond gross. Although she seems ready to get on her knees and service him under the table at one point, she makes a tactical error and begins to rough-house with Bret a bit and he starts to lose interest in Kristy Joe's odd "kickboxing" moves. He mentions in his post-date interview that you would think that he would get turned on by such behavior, but oddly, he does not. Wassa goin' on Bret? Is this an existential crisis? A cry for help? Hmmmm...Eventually the other girls realize that something is amiss, because Bret is not keeping up with Ambre's description of the fun she had taking the boys to Chuck E. Cheese the night before, and then the waiter comes back to ask if the "ladies" want to switch seats around. Destiney says hells to the yes and when she gets up, her slutwear is so short that we get a glimpse of blurred cooch when she stands up. I'm telling you, that waiter should thank sweet baby Jesus that he is blind.
At some point Kristy Joe stops socking Bret long enough to get up and go to the rest room with Destiney. Ambre takes the opportunity to shove her tongue down Bret's gullet. Need I say? It is gross. There is something so weird about Bret Michaels' face when he's en flagrante de makeout-ico; it's like his facial muscles go slack and he becomes corpselike. Yuck! Plus he's Frenching a lady who looks like she just rolled in from the suburbs to do a little shopping at Chico's.
Post-dinner makeout with Ambre.
Back at Skank Manor, the put-upon ladies drape themselves around to entice Bret, but he says he needs to "figure out" Kristy Joe, and by that he means do it with her until 4:30 in the morning. He interviews that he thinks she's "emotionally unstable," but, Bret being Bret, this is kind of a turn on. All the other contestants are scandalized by these goings-on, especially MC Daisy Fishface, who is shocked, shocked!, that Bret wants to do it with Kristy Joe so soon after their own holy, sacred hook-up of a mere 48 hours ago. It is simply more than her teensy tiny little brain can comprehend; perhaps one of the pigs can explain it to her?
Pre-sexing makeout with Kristy Joe.
The next morning, Catherine decides to take matters into her own, aged hands and makes breakfast for Bret while wearing a leopard-print nightie, thigh-high hosiery, and high heels. Megan snarks about Catherine being older than the hills; I want to scream that it's only OK for me to make Catherine Is Old jokes, you bitch! I aslo want to scream, "DON'T DO IT!" at Catherine, for this seems like a very, very bad idea, waking Bret up in the early hours o' the morn after he's been up all night making sweet, sweet passionate love to an eyebrowless crazy married lady and all. But in she stalks, and we see that yes, as we suspected all along, Bret Michaels sleeps in his doo-rag. He takes being woken up by his mother in an Elvira wig pretty well, all things considering, and of course it all leads to more making out. Revolting and slightly disturbing making out.
Post-breakfast makeout with Catherine.
Then it is time for Jessica's solo date. Surprise! You, milady, get to act like a dude on your romantic dream date with Bret! He whisks his maiden off to the desert, where they will play outdoor paintball in camofulage outfits (Bret even has a camo kerchief, yay!) against Big John, who apparently is a former Marine sniper. Who knew? Jessica is very game for these kinds of shenanigans and seems better at paintball than Bret. She also smooches him every chance she gets. Is anyone testing this man for oral herpes?
Later they eat, of course, amidst the paint pellets. She says that Bret makes her feel "safe," and this seems to be something of a turn-off (one of the few on Earth) for Bret, so she quickly backtracks and says, "safe in a strong way," the kind of "safe" that throws her on the bed and ravages her. Nice save, kid. And I do mean "kid." Jessica appears to be about 19 years old. Run, child! Run like the wind!
Post-paintball makeout with Jessica.
When they return, Peyton shoves a note into Bret's hand, and strangely this is never mentioned again. Daisy and Megan lounge in bikinis on lawn chairs in front of Bret's bedroom door, but he brushes them off to attend to urgent business, ie, hairplug maintenance and wig grooming. The girls manage to force in mini-makeout sessions before he leaves, though. Shudder!
Pre-elimination makeout with Daisy.
Post-Daisy-makeout with Megan.
Elimination time. Jessica gets the first pass, and she is thrilled. Then Bret says the next pass is for someone who is a skilled in-the-dark kisser and Kristy Joe gets all smug, but ha! He is referring to Housewife By Day/Unpaid Prostitute By Night Ambre! Then poor Peyton gets her hopes up when Bret says the next pass if for a "super hot rock chick," but alas, he is referring to Destiney. Does dressing like a stripper on crack make you a "rock chick"? Kristy Joe gets the next pass, and then Daisy and Megan, until it is down to Inna, Peyton, and Catherine.
Inna gets the last pass, so that means the two oldsters are goin' home. They could've saved everyone a lot of trouble by restricting the casting call for this show to "under 25 ONLY," since that is all Bret really wants. Boo, hiss! The two most interesting ladies are now gone. Peyton, we will miss your hard, chiseled looks and glistening body glitter. Catherine, your embarrassingly awesome '80s hairdo and white shoes with dark hose will live forever in our hearts. Adieu!