Dude, I had such high hopes for this season of "Rock Of Love," what with all the gross make-out parties and gratuitous boob-n-labia flashing and general skankaliciousness going on all over the place in the premiere, but we're just a few episodes in and already it has devolved into a giant 12-year-old girl slumber party, complete with angst, sobbing, mean looks, slam books, girl crushes, in-fighting, and endless heartfelt emotional talks with Daddy (ie, Bret Michaels), who now constantly has the sad and confused look of a man wondering where the party went. Where did the party go, ladies? This man sang a song about how he "don't need nothin' but a good time," and yet all you do is whine and cry and carry on about your non-existent "relationship" with him. WHASSA GOIN' ON?
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Last week, the fake drama that was cooked up by the producers was that all the girls--except for tragically fug Aubry--loathe Kristy Joe (who is simply named Kristina on the VH1 "Rock of Love" site), so they have to show some leftover simmering resentment amongst the skanks at the beginning of this week's show. Yawn. The only delightfully horrible thing that happens is Bret makes a reference to everyone getting down to "makin' bacon." Ewww. There was also some kind of nuttiness from Aubry, who keeps staring at Bret and then gets all kinds of bent out of shape when he passes her over to kiss some of the other girls good night. Odd!
Hideous trout-lipped freak Daisy manages to "walk Bret back to his room" and then totally does it with him. Ack!
Aubry and Kristy Joe are incensed when they realize what Daisy has done! Incensed, I say! How dare that 'ho take their fake group non-boyfriend into his boudoir and not come out until morning! Outrage ensues! They tear into Daisy on the way to the challenge! She rambles on with some sort of non-explanation and makes no sense! Whooore! Sloot!
The challenge, another patented Bret Michaels' "I Want To Date Myself With Boobs" endeavor, is for two teams to rebuild motorcycles. There is much beating of the breastplate by Peyton, AKA This Season's Rodeo, because she feels that she has been put on this earth by God for the sole purpose of building a motorcycle for Bret Michaels. So of course she loses. The winning team leader, Inna, AKA Bret's "Ukranian Love Tank," gets a solo date with Bret, while the rest of the team--Aubry, Ambre, Megan, and Daisy--get a group date. The losers have to clean Bret's motorcyle with toothbrushes while wearing bikinis, which, call me crazy, sounds just a tad degrading. Why can't they do more stuff like that, huh?
Inna rides off with Bret in her own special, hilariously ugly motorcycle jacket for their one-on-date. They don't show much of their romantic dinner, but apparently it went well. I think. At least it didn't end in tears, which is more than I can say for every other segment of this show.
They return to the house in time to catch some of the girls in their tiny bikinis, bending over to clean Bret's "pipes" with the toothbrushes and--surprise! Bret gets kinda turned on. But not for long, as Aubry is standing in the corner, arms folded, looking exactly like a stern librarian who has just caught you ripping out a photograph of a very young and hot Robert DeNiro from an old movie magazine (not that I know anything about a situation like that, no siree, not me). She is determined to be the wet blanket on Bret's good times, and insists on a heart-to-heart. Bleh! They go off to discuss how hurt she was when he didn't kiss her good night, and he clearly has no idea what she's going on about, and quite reasonably tells her that she's already acting like the nagging nag hag in some loooong, doomed relationship, and they just met. I can't say that I disagree with Bret, except I would add, "and you have a bizarre Frankenstein monster of a freaked out face."
That was apparently not enough to sate Aubry's hunger for heart-to-heart conversations, so she goes off to have an earnest talk with her bff Kristy Joe, and this talk makes Kristy Joe reevaluate her own, uh, married, situation and all, and she cries. All without her make-up on, so the audience is totally distracted by those weird mini-brows that look like tiny apostrophes over her eyes. Then she decides to have a group heart-to-heart with the whole house, and sobs about her past and two marriages and how maybe she isn't ready to move on and that might not be fair to Bret. Woman, have you never watched a reality a show in your life? Why on earth are you telling your competitors in a contest in which "really being there for Bret" is the highest ideal one can achieve that you are unsure of your feelings for Bret? The other girls are, naturally, confused and disgusted and think she should just leave already, although she's lucky-- because if Heather had been there Kristy Joe would be dead now.
Then Kristy Joe has to have yet another heart-to-heart, this time with poor Bret, who is so obviously thinking "why did I get rid of Frenchie?" and all I can say is, sir, you have no one to blame but yourself! Frenchie would never have a 'eart-to-'eart because she has no heart! She is one giant vagina! I have no sympathy for you Bret Michaels! Kristy Joe sobs on and on about the same crap she told the house. Bret tells us that she's so hot! But, also, has she got a lot of baggage! He is torn. Baggage? Boobs. Baggage? Boobs. It's tough.
The next day the other girls in the winning team have their date, and it's a retro pin-up photo shoot, which reminds me that I would like to take this time to declare that this is officially THE CULTURAL DEATH of pin-ups, burlesque, Bettie Page, roller derby, cherries/flames/dice, tattoos, flowers-in-hair, and Las Vegas. Once these things reach Bret Michaels territory, you can put a hot-rodded-out fork in it because IT IS DONE. Anyway, these girls get all dolled up in the worst possible fake retro pin-up outfits and take some heinously bad photos. Poor Aubry is done no favors with the giant 1940s rolled hair and giant fake eyelashes they give her; as bad as she normally looks, in this get-up she is truly monstrous, like an Andrews Sisters drag revue gone horribly awry.
Then they all go have lunch together and goddamn Aubry gets all pouty and brings the mood down AGAIN, talking about how everyone on this show is going to get hurt, including Bret. And Bret says that she's not entirely correct, and that when he was talking to "Whatshername" (ie, Kristy Joe! ha ha ha!) it occurred to him that karma was going to bite her "on the ass." It was kind of a confusing conversation, but the end result was that Aubry goes nuts thinking Bret was talking trash about her bff Whatsername, and she rushes off to pass Kristy Joe a note about it in the lunchroom.
Kristy Joe has to confront Bret. AGAIN. AAAAAAH! Why is the stripper pole sitting there gathering dust? Why are the bottles of cheap booze going to waste? Why do the producers think we want to see a bunch of borderline personality cases having ridiculous "deep" discussions with BRET MICHAELS? Why? When she busts in on Bret he is playing his guitar and clearly this is, to him, like totally sacred and he is not pleased to be interrupted. His "whassa goin' on" is almost menacing in tone. Like, "THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD. I AM AN ARTISTE COMMUNING WITH HIS ART." And she just blah blah blahs at him about the same crap--her past, not being sure if she's ready to let her guard down. (I would like to say here that that is absolutely the most overused concept on the show--this whole "letting your guard down" thing. Someone, usually Bret, says it like 500 times an episode. In my entire life I have never had a single conversation with another human being about anyone's guard or whether or not it was being let down, yet it comes up constantly on "Rock of Love." Contestants! Here is my top-secret formula for winning that you should attempt to memorize with your tiny minds! It is this: Letting Your Guard Down+Giant Boobs+Tiny Waist+Enjoying Traditionally Male Recreational Activities+Being OK With Bret Having Unprotected Sex With Countless Groupies+Did I Mention Giant Boobs?=The Key To Bret Michaels' Heart. Use this in good health!)
Elimination time! Oh, Aubry what on earth are you wearing? She has kept the 1940s wack WAC hairdo but added some absolutely heinous faux punky clothing, like something you'd find in the Wal-Mart "edgy" juniors section. Even Hot Topic wouldn't carry this stuff. She looks deranged. Eek! Daisy, having slept with Bret, is of course rewarded with the first pass. Eventually it gets down to Aubry and Kristy Joe. Kristy Joe is sobbing. She looks like she might collapse. And then all of a sudden Aubry decides to throw herself on the grenade and save her friend! She tearfully tells Bret that she will voluntarily leave the show so that Kristy Joe may stay and prove her love! Kristy Joe immediately perks up and stops crying and, truth be told, comes close to smirking. Aubry sobs her way out the front door, apparently awash in mixed emotions--sadness over leaving Bret and the show, but feeling quite proud of her selflessness and charitable works. And then the pay off--Bret was going to eliminate Aubry anyway! Kristy Joe's name is on the pass! She can stay and rock his world! Or at least talk his ears off.
YUCK. If they're not careful this is going to become the skank version of "The View"! In the immortal words of Elvis Presley, a little less conversation, a little more action, please!