Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Like Liza On Crack

Sweet holy mother of God, it is difficult for me to process everything I've just seen on the season finale of "Nip/Tuck." I'm completely overstimulated, like a toddler gorged on candy who has wondered off into a surrealist psychedelic circus during Mardis Gras! AAAAAAAH! OK. Let's try to get through this together, shall we? According to the F/X announcer this was "the most shocking 'Nip/Tuck' yet," and for once, I think he just might be right!



**SPOILERS AHEAD**

**UNBELIEVABLY LURID,**

**TOTALLY INSANE**

**SPOILERS!!**

Previously on "Nip/Tuck": A montage of Miss Sharon Gless as ersatz agent/stalker/teddy bear enthusiast Colleen Rose killing actual agent Bob Levitz by teddy bearing him to death, working at the teddy bear Kiosk of Infamy, and bleeding from a self-inflicted wrist slashing; creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike Matt committing incest with his hitherto unknown half-sister, Emmy; and Julia getting shot in the head by evil conniving teenage sloot Eden.

Huzzah! It's Miss Jennifer Coolidge in the doctors' office. She dislikes her misshapen boobs, nicknamed, I think, "Gail" and "Bozina" (anyone know the reference? I got bupkis on Google, although it doesn't really matter, it's still funny) and describes herself as a "human Leaning Tower of Piza" because one tata is much larger than the other. She says that her startled-looking eyes give her a "deer caught in the headlights look," and that overall she resembles "Liza on crack." (AWESOME.) She got all this work done in Thailand because she didn't want the tabloids to know, which prompts Dr. Christian Troy to say, "I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are." She replies huffily that she is a "goddamned icon," and Dr. Sean McNamara helpfully reminds him that she is the actress named Candy Richards who played "Pussy Lips," ie the character who had to have her vaginal lips attached to her mouth ealier in the season, on "Hearts & Scalpels." An outraged Candy Richards tells the docs: "I've had a recurring role on every nighttime drama since Judging goddamn Amy! How can I play a supreme court judge with one oversized tit and a popeye?" How, indeed? They agree to fix her botched Thai plastic surgery.

In the operating room "Fame" by David Bowie is playing in the background (AWESOME.) Dr. Christian Troy tells Dr. Sean McNamara that he is taking acting lessons, but suddenly the police show up and Dr. Christian Troy leaves to talk to them. When he comes back he says, "Julia's been shot."

Cut to evil conniving sloot Eden, who is with her mother Olivia and Dr. Sean McNamara while a policewoman questions her. Eden lies that Julia shot herself because she was "hideous" and a "burden" to everyone. She also lies that she was just about to call 911 when she pulled the trigger. The cop says, yeah, the angle of the bullet wound was kind of "funny," and Eden lies that this is because she tried to grab the gun. Dr. Sean McNamara is having none of this and pretty much accuses Eden of shooting Julia, but Olivia goes into Protective Mommie mode and tells him that he had no idea how depressed Julia had become and that she was totally capable of trying to commit suicide.

Over at the hospital, we see that Julia is alive but unconscious in the ICU. Dr. Sean McNamara tells Dr. Christian Troy about his suspicions regarding Eden, but Dr. Christian Troy thinks Julia was morose over being dumped by Dr. Christian Troy and probably did try to kill herself. Julia's doctor comes in with x-rays and there's a lot of medical blah blah mumbo jumbo blah blah long-term damage, and the bottom line is that even though the bullet did not penetrate her brain, she will be mightily effed up and also in a coma for an unknown length of time. Bummer. (I'm really surpised they didn't kill Julia off; I'd read that in real life Natasha Richardson had an ill child and so I thought for sure they were using this as a way of writing her off the show.) There is no mention by any medical personnel that Julia is also suffering from conniving-sloot-induced mercury poisoning.

Back at the office, Dr. Christian Troy is interviewing a woman named Darlene who is in a wheelchair and has no legs below the knees. Darlene says that although he probably doesn't remember, back in 1982 she was a cocktail waitress at The Sand Dab in Fort Lauderdale and they had a fling during his spring break from colllege. He replies that "I would've remembered someone as dynamic as you" and she calls him on it and says, yeah, she didn't lose her legs to diabetes until 1998. Heh. She saw his picture in Playgirl (AWESOME) and tracked him down and yadda yadda she had his baby who grew up into Emmy who is now sleeping with his creepy son Matt!

Dr. Sean McNamara's daughter is in his office and apparently in the dark about her mother being shot, because he tells her that he will always, always be there for her (foreshadowing?!) and she's all, "What's wrong? Is it Mommy?" but before he can tell her we hear Colleen Rose's terrifying voice and her Exorcist-y theme music swelling up in the background! AAAAAAAH! She starts waving around her scarred wrists and Dr. Sean McNamara is yelling that he took out a restraining order against her and she's deranged and screeching about how she won't be able to open up a bed and breakfast (heh!) unless he fixes her scars and when he tries to call the cops she yanks the phone off the desk and she warns that he'll be sorry for doing this to her and finally they hustle her out the door and Dr. Christian Troy rather unkindly, but accurately, calls her a freak.

Next we see Emmy and creepy Matt and her mother and Dr. Christian Troy sitting around a table. Matt can't believe she told her mom that they slept together, and I can't believe a) that anyone, even a fictional character, would touch creepy Matt with a ten foot pole and b) that he manages to somehow look even creepier with a beard, but he does. Dr. Christian Troy tells Matt: "I can't believe I have to say this, but you can't sleep with your sister again!" (AWESOME.) Creepy Matt starts blathering about how they felt this intense connection and Dr. Christian Troy shoots back, "Yeah, it's called DNA!" Heh. He goes on to say that every decision Matt has ever made is "batshit crazy," and Dr. Christian Troy may be many things, but wrong about Matt he ain't. Creepy Matt refuses to believe that he and Emmy are, in fact, related, so the mom hands over papers with bloodwork that she and Dr. Christian Troy had done on themselves and then matched against Emmy and Matt's medical records and it's totes incest, Matt! Emmy is quite the naif and "wants to be a family." Matt can't take it and runs off to have an "intense connection" with Julia's coma.

On the set of a cruelly Oliver Platt- and Bradley Cooper-free "Hearts & Scalpels," Dr. Sean McNamara's character on the show is trying valiantly to remove a camera that has been imbedded in a paparrazo's rectum after trying to take Russell Crowe's picture. (AWESOME.) Dr. Sean McNamara says, "Let's try and save that camera, it's a damn good Leica," then he looks down to recieve the scalpel from the nurse/actress when he notices a big ole scar on the "nurse"'s wrist and of course that means it's Colleen Rose who hands him the scalpel while scary Exorcist music plays ominously! AAAAAAAH! She has infiltrated the sacred ground of the "Hearts & Scalpels" set! Where is Freddie Prune? He would never have stood for this! She says, very frighteningly, "You know I never take no for an answer!" and then security forces drag her off. AAAAAAAAAAH!

Emmy's mom Darlene and Dr. Christian Troy are getting drunk together and laughing. He says that, ironically, "the only one of my three children that I actually take care of is the one that isn't mine!" (ie adorable Wilbur). Darlene bemoans her loss of looks and legs over the years; he says rather gallantly, "I can't remember doing you, but I can see why I did," but she starts crying and says she feels that she could be an "8," but without her legs she's a "4." He says, "You're beautiful! A little weathered around the edeges, but beautiful!" and then he kisses her and BAM! Cut to amputee sex!!! (AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME!) Obviously every sentient being watching this show saw this coming from a mile away the second she rolled into his office, but the sight of those stumps splayed out under his body was gloriously, magnificently, and unfathomably satisfying. Oh, "Nip/Tuck," how you spoil me for other shows! Nothing can ever live up to this level of sleaze!

Afterwards Dr. Christian Troy, his hair looking extremely Julius Caesar-y, asks Darlene if he has to order her a "special cab" because of her lack of legs and whatnot, and this leads to her revealing that she drinks a twelve-pack of beer every night because she's depressed. (Are diabetics supposed to drink like this? Shouldn't she be dead?) She wants him to operate on her face so she can get back some of the youthfulness she lost raising his illegitimate daughter/future banger of his creepy son. He agrees to give her a face lift.

Back at the office, Jennifer Coolidge, AKA Candy Richards, is doing ballet moves in front of a mirror and calling herself "the bomb." Apparently she has won the coveted role as a Russian ballerina on "The Ghost Whisperer" and needs to practice her moves. Dr. Sean McNamara tells her to get in bed, and just then a man walks in who turns out to be agent/human teddy bear Bob Levitz' life partner, and he's looking for answers about Bob's sudden disappearance. It seems he doesn't buy Colleen Rose's cover story e-mail that she sent out about Bob's sudden urge to go to Darfur and help the refugees. He says, "Humanitarian? We don't even recycle!" Heh. He's gone to the police but they don't believe him; Dr. Sean McNamara eventually realizes that Bob's life partner suspects foul play. Oh, it was foul, all right!

Cut to Dr. Sean McNamara talking on the phone at home, walking around his house...he opens up his closet door and out falls the nightmarish Bob Levitz Teddy Bear! Horrible bear eyes! AAAAAAAAH!

Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy discuss the untimely demise of Bob Levitz thusly: "She stuffed him? What a horrible way to go!" I'll say. Dr. Christian Troy blames "Hearts & Scalpels" and says that Dr. Sean McNamara has been blinded by his 15 minutes of fame, etc etc. A policeman mentions that Colleen has fled to Mexico but that with their contacts with the policia, she may turn up.

During Darlene's facelift the doctors get into it some more about the lust for fame and showbiz and blah blah blah; finally nurse Liz steps in and gives them a pep talk about how talented they are etc etc. Then we find out that Julia has awakened from her coma and we see that conniving sloot Eden is scared that the jig is up. She begs Olivia, "You have to help me, Mommie!" It is implied that she confesses to Olivia about shooting Julia.

Jennifer Coolidge/Candy Richards is all dressed up in a slinky dress and giant hat and sunglasses and she tells the doctors that the paparazzi are swarming outside to take post-op photos of her leaving the office. She does not want them to block her "big exit," and says she called ahead to arrange it all. But when she goes outside for her close-up, the paps don't take her picture and instead mob Dr. Sean McNamara, yelling quesitons about Colleen Rose and his wife's shooting. Poor Candy!

At the hospital a guilty-looking Olivia is talking to Julia, but after she doesn't recognize her daughter, we find out that Julia has suffered retrograde amnesia and doesn't know who anyone is or remember anything about her life. Well, thank heaven for small miracles, I say! Later, when they are alone, Dr. Sean McNamara asks to look at her stitches and Julia asks if he is a doctor and if so, is that how they know each other, and he says that he's her husband. Then he tells her that they were college sweethearts and she asks if they are still married and he starts lying his ass off, saying "we're as happy now as we were then and everything is perfect, we have three beautiful children," la-dee-da, conveniently leaving out the parts about one of the beautiful children having a lobster claw, her pre-marital affair with Dr. Christian Troy that led to creepy incestuous Matt's birth, their raising Matt as Dr. Sean McNamara's son until the truth finally came out, her numerous affairs (lesbian, hetero, and dwarf), their separation and near-divorce, and of course his affair with her lesbian lover's teenage conniving sloot daughter who is the person who poisoned her with mercury-tainted fruitcake before shooting her in the head.

Dr. Christian Troy takes Julia and Dr. Sean McNamara's daughter out for hamburgers and tries to cheer her up a bit, when suddenly their car is surrounded by papparazzi. Sadly for him they don't want Dr. Christian Troy's picture, just the kid's, because she's related to Dr. Sean McNamara. He tries to escape and BAM! They are hit on the passenger side by a fast-moving car! Is the daughter OK?

Back at Incest Manor, Emmy is getting ready to go fly home to Georgia or wherever she's from. For some extremely unbelievable reason, she totally wants to do it with him one more time for the road, but he's trying to go against his nature and be mature and adult. He says that eventually perhaps they can be more sibling-y, but at the moment their feelings are "so strong" that it's not safe for them to be around each other. Ewww. Emmy semi-jokingly says, "It's not like we'd be the only inbreds in the mountains where I come from! You could work in the coal mine and I could pull out all my teeth!" As tempting as this sounds, even creepy, crazy Matt is not quite "ready for the Appalachian lifestyle just yet." He opens the door to leave and she kisses him and he's all into it (gag)...and it's ambiguous as to whether or not he really leaves!

It turns out that Dr. Christian Troy broke his collar bone in the car accident, and he's worried that Dr. Sean McNamara is mad at him, but he's more mad at himself for getting caught up in the pursuit of fame and glory and all the Hollywood stuff and says he has called Freddie Prune to get out of his "Hearts & Scalpels" contract. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Say it ain't so! Dr. Sean McNamara's daughter is lying on the nearby surgery table this whole time; she's all right but has a big gash on her head that he's going to operate on. Just before he leaves, Dr. Christian Troy says, "Everyone is going to be OK." Uh oh.

"Fame" by David Bowie is playing again during the surgery. Nurse Liz goes to another room to get gauze and tape...and clearly someone else comes back instead...who is it?...could it be? ...yes, it's Colleen Rose! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! She proceeds to stab Dr. Sean McNamara repeatedly with a giant cleaver!!! OMG. WTF. Dr. Sean McNamara is lying on the floor with his eyes open in a pool of blood, with more blood oozing and bubbling out of his mouth. And scene. Fade to black.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what people in show business call an emmer-effing cliffhanger! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! This show turns me into a Roman Catholic every time! I can't stop beseeching the Holy Spirit for guidance! Is Dr. Sean McNamara dead? Was it all a dream? At least he didn't get turned into a Teddy Bear! Are Matt and Emmy running off to Butcher Holler to live their dreams of being an incestuous coal-mining couple? Will Julia regain her memory? How far will Olivia go to cover for Eden? Is the daughter going to survive being left alone on the operating table? What happened with Darlene's facelift? Is Liz OK? Will we ever see the lobster claw baby again? And most importantly, HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO WAIT GOD KNOWS HOW MANY MONTHS UNTIL THIS SHOW COMES BACK ON WITH SOME ANSWERS?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think a Colleen Halloween costume would be a great way to pay homage to another wonderfully trashy season of Nip/Tuck! Necessary ingredients: some clothes from Chico's, a platinum short wig, giant glasses, fake scars drawn on wrists, a bloody cleaver, and a Teddy Bear. And perhaps a smoothie from Jamba Juice. Voila!

When does the new season start?


Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Why do you keep referring to him as "creepy matt" ? Once is enough but you seem to try to make a point of mentioning how creepy he is. Hes obv of mixed race in real life and you are obv a judgemental, cynical, hideous bitch that the SHOW TRIES TO MAKE A POINT OF CRITICIZING. How about this? Your writing is trite, and the author appears to be menopausal.

Landon said...

wow, nice comment.. lol but seriously, matt is creepy, i mean jerking off in front of his life coach's house (who is, in fact a man...) etc.... no more evidence needed, good call on the creepy matt comment jennifer.