Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Footballs And Boobies and Bret, Oh My!
(all photos via vh1.com)
Whassa goin' on? Did my poor readers think I'd forsaken them and forgotten to post a wee re-cap of "Rock of Love 2"? Never fear, skanks! I wouldn't leave you all in the mud, shivering, bloodied, distraught, and confused--unlike some follicularly-challenged former Poison singers I could mention! Let's get thee to a rockery!
**BUT A GOOD TIME**
It is time for the "ladies" of the house to get down-n-dirty--and I mean that literally, not just by showing their boobs or giving blow-jays to Bret Michaels or whatnot. Yes, it's "Mud Bowl II," the touch football contest that has a high probability of turning Bret on. The contestants divide into two teams--"The Fallen Angels" and "The Sweethearts," both of which sound like titles for some long-lost early '80s teen sex dramedies starring Kristy McNichol and/or Jodie Foster--and put on teensy, tiny itty-bitty wittle outfits that offer all the protection of a Victorian child's hankie and then are pummeled with large amounts of fake rain, snow, and wind. The girls stand around in the muck like a bunch of startled, bedraggled faun. Albeit faun with big fake boobs, tramp stamps, trout lips, and bad extensions. Let the fun begin!
The game quickly evolves into a battle of wills between The Sweethearts' soccer mom-ish Ambre and Our Lady of the Deformed Mouth Labia, Daisy, from The Fallen Angels. Ambre has surprising skills--perhaps learned while ferrying her boys to Pee Wee Football practice in the minivan--and makes two touchdowns. Despite being called both a "tank" and a "bus" by always-classy Bret, Inna Gadda Da Vida is sadly unable to play football in any way, shape or form. Miraculously, missing eye-brow-sufferer Kristy Joe of The Fallen Angels makes a touchdown, and then Daisy starts straterginizing and then somehow her teammate Inna manages to make a touchdown.
The game goes into Sudden Death Overtime. At first it looks like Ambre is going to make her third touchdown, but she slips in the mud and fumbles the ball, and Daisy is all over it like a doo-rag on Bret Michaels' head..and touchdown! Daisy has now scored in Bret's bedroom and on the field!
Of course the winning team gets a group date with Bret, and the MVP, who is Daisy, gets a one-on-one. Catherine, who bears a striking resemblance to Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, interviews that she "wants to die." Way to keep things in perspective there, lady! Poor Ambre is a mess of cuts and bruises and yet she remains chipper; maybe she's thinking about making some cookies and having a koffee klatch with the other moms when she gets back to her cul-de-sac?
What romantic dream date is Daisy rewarded with? Why, a trip to the trashy lingerie store so that she can continue to work what little ass she has for Bret's amusement! Seriously, he has her try on a bunch of cheap, tacky lingerie and sashay around in it for him and has the nerve to call this a "date." And they say chivalry is dead! Although like the sad deluded show pony she is, it does seem as though Daisy enjoys prancing.
They set up a table right in the store and have dinner....and here is where Daisy--who up until this point was doing pretty well, what with doing it with Bret, winning the MVP award, and embodying a deranged idiot's ideal of what porno-sexy is supposed to look like and all--totally blows it! Her crime? She asks too many damn questions during din-din. "Do you like to read? Do you like movies? Do you watch tv? Do you like to travel?" etc etc. She doesn't wait for his answers, and although it does seem a touch annoying, really she just sounds nervous and is trying hard to make conversation; Bret acts like she is a human nail on a giant chalkboard and is so bored with her that he decides to tune her out completely and daydream about her in the naughty oufits.
Where it all goes horribly wrong for Daisy.
Back at the House That Skank Built, NOTE-GATE is underway. Peyton, the poor man's Rodeo, has worked herself up into a tizzy because she hasn't had any of that coveted "alone time" with Bret. So she writes him a note, which says something poetical like "IT IS URGENT THAT I SPEAK 2 U!" and puts it on his door. Megan, the tall blonde that just may be the evilest person on the show, has her own note for Bret, and when she sees Peyton's she just rips it right off. Then Peyton starts to worry that maybe the note is a bad move, so she goes back to re-read it, but of course it is missing and only Megan's note is there. Peyton, because although she may not be a brain surgeon she's also not retarded or blind, suspects Megan and asks her about it; Megan plays innocent. Peyton writes another note and sticks it in the crack of Bret's door, thinking this is safer, but as soon as she's gone, back pops Megan, who pulls the note out and gets rid of it. Megan is like a character on "Nip/Tuck," but she's real! Well, sort of real. Reality TV real. Poor Peyton is no match for this level of conniving schemery!
Daisy and Bret come home and Daisy rushes off to change into some of the 'ho fashions that Bret bought her at the lingerie store. Then everyone plays pool, and Catherine, Mistress of the Power '80s Hairdo, announces that if she makes a certain shot she wins five minutes alone with Bret. She makes the shot and off they go to his room where they full-on make out and it is so utterly disturbing in a way I can't quite define! Daisy tries to interrupt the tongue kissing sesh, but is turned away, much to her shock.
The next day the rest of the winning football team--Kristy Joe, Inna, and Destiney--get their group date. This week's Bret "I Want To Date Myself With Boobs" boy date is at a racetrack, where the girls have to get into tight Charlie's Angels-esque racing suits that, I must say, are far more flattering and hot than the skimpy football outfits had been, especially on Inna, who can barely contain her admiration when she says that Bret pulls up "in a hot-ass Lotus." Destiney and Kristy Joe are able to get the car around the track well enough, but Inna can't drive a stick; she wisely plays up this fact to get some extra car time with Papa Bret.
They eat lunch trackside, and Bret starts gossiping about the ladies on the show and how some people are not honest and have boyfriends at home, etc., and for some unknown reason Kristy Joe takes this opportunity to start in on how difficult it is for her to talk to her ex-husband, that they have to e-mail each other because they are at each other's throats, and at this point everyone who was with me watching the show decided we had to rewind this part several times as we tried, in vain, to figure out if she was a) dumb, b) developmentally disabled, or c) deaf-- because why in the world would anyone start discussing the multiple restraining orders they have on their current and ex-husbands immediately after Bret, their ostensible love target, has just bemoaned the cheating, dishonest ways of the contestants on the show? But she blathers on and on, and interviews to the camera that she thinks "laying her cards on the table" is the best policy. We'll see!
Back at the house, Peyton manages to corral Bret into his room to have a lil' talk; she promptly bursts into tears. Wassa goin' on, Peyton? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Then she asks him point blank if he's attracted to her at all, and he gives this convoluted answer about them being rock buddies but then says they might turn into friends who sometimes do it. Or something. It was confusing. But the bottom line seems to be that no, he is not all that attracted to Peyton. I don't mean to sound cruel, but I can't really blame him. Once you've enjoyed the prime grade A beef that was Rodeo, why would you want a hamburger patty like Peyton? She doesn't even have a line of work-out clothing or bar-b-cue sauce or an Olympic diving medal or anything! I'm just sayin'.
Elimination time. Ambre is rewarded for her hard work and bruised, battered body with the first pass of the evening. She seems pleased. Destiney and Kristy Jo are next. Then it's mean ole Megan, and much to Peyton's gall, Bret praises Megan for being the only one who took the time to write him a note! Peyton is, reasonably enough, fit to be tied. After her unsettling make-out party with Bret, Catherine and her incredibly dated hair are safe. That leaves Peyton and Daisy!
Peyton, who has been told by Bret that he's not that attracted to her (we think?) is a nervous wreck. Daisy, who has both had sex and shared the intimacy of buying slutwear with Bret, is a confused wreck. What did she do wrong, she wonders? Oh, Daisy. You should have kept those ginormous freaky trout lips closed during your romantic lingerie store dinner! Not while you were eating, of course, because that would be impossible, but in between bites. Whatever, just don't ask Bret a bunch of boring questions! (Which goes against all dating advice, by the way. Men are supposed to love nothing more than talking about themselves, but Bret is a loner, a rebel. And Daisy's questions did not keep him as entertained as her boobs did.)
Peyton, lookin' a little rough.
Daisy, lookin' a little like a bewildered carp.
Peyton gets a pass. She is thrilled. Daisy looks like her tiny brain might explode inside her wacked-out be-surgered skull. And then Bret pulls a fast one! He decides to let Daisy stay, too! No one is going home this week! WHA..? No elimination? Is that even legal in California, Bret Michaels?
Apparently next week two girls will go home! And the most exciting part of all: There will be a rodeo with RODEO in charge! Yee-ha! Health sausage all around!