Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Food, The Dad, And The Ugly

Once again "Nip/Tuck" managed to shock and awe, although these last few episodes have lacked a certain joie de vivre that I think I can pinpoint: Not enough Bradley Cooper or Oliver Platt! Bring them back, "Nip/Tuck," for the love of everything that is unholy! Still, they did manage to pack in a fair amount of absolutely ridiculous shenanigans, and for that, as always, I am eternally grateful. And entertained.




Previoulsy on "Nip/Tuck," conniving teenage sloot Eden has poisoned Julia's fruitcake, and hideous Michael Jackson-lookalike Matt has gotten a disease from the first girl he slept with, fallen in love with a transgendered life coach, picked up and nearly beaten to death another transgendered lady, fallen in love with a neo-Nazi, fallen in love and had a child with his father's ex-fiancee who got him into the porn business, Scientology, and crystal meth, blown himself up in a crystal meth lab explosion, and fallen in love with Rachel, his severely burned Israeli therapist.

The theme of this week's show is ugliness, in all its forms. Ugliness inside and out. Both kinds. Got it?

We open on lesbian nurse Liz reading a bad review of Dr. Sean McNamara from August Walden, a writer for Entertainment Weekly (heh!). Dr. Christian Troy is delighted, especially when Walden calls Dr. Sean McNamara a "milque toast" and "puddle of mediocrity" whose head looks like a "cardboard box on shoulders." Dr. Sean McNamara walks in and clearly feels down on himself; when Dr. Christian Troy finds him looking at himself critically in the mirror he advises him to get over it by reading ten good reviews: "That's what I do on the rare occassion that some hot lady doesn't want to do the horizontal shuffle with me--I fill my dance card with ten more."

Cut to the doctors working on Rachel, creepy Matt's Israeli burn victim therapist/girlfriend, whom Dr. Christian Troy calls "falafel face." Dr. Sean McNamara is concerned that Matt and Rachel are getting too serious as a couple, so afterwards they show Matt a series of photos so that he can see how little improvement has been made to Rachel's appearance over the course of six surgeries. Matt is incensed! They are obsessed with looks! They've messed with so many faces that he doesn't think they "even know what ugly looks like anymore!" (Uh, they're looking at you, Matt, so they probably have a pretty good idea!) Dr. Christian Troy rather awesomely says, "I don't care if she shits solid gold," but he thinks Matt has no idea how difficult it is to be burdened by someone who isn't in tip-top shape, ie, he's also talking about his relationship with sick-as-a-dog Julia! Matt storms off in a huff!

Next we're in Dr. Christian Troy's office and he's got a young woman with a giant port wine birthmark on her face. She talks about how she Googled him on the ole interwebs (Alarm bells! Ding! Ding!) and how it's great that they have the same sense of humor (Ding! Ding!). He's genial and charming until she gets to the part about the Hedda Grubman Fund for free plastic surgery for people who can't afford it. He tries to weasel his way out of it, but she cries and has a southern accent and says she spent her last penny getting to the office and her mom calls her "The Scarlet Letter" because she's her punishment for having had a one-night stand with a stranger (Dingdingdingdingding!), and so he agrees to do her surgery for free.

Yay! Back on the set of "Hearts & Scalpels"! The Tub Shitter (aka Kate, fellow actress on the show/former fiancee of Dr. Sean McNamara/severe food issue sufferer/hot tub laxative-induced explosion maker) commiserates with him about the bad review. She knows where the mean writer does his work, at a certain coffee shop, and she encourages Dr. Sean McNamara to go down there and "rip him a new one." So off he goes to confront August Walden, Esq., and he discovers that Walden is a man with giant ears, a unibrow, a huge bulbous nose, boils, scars, effed up teeth, and enormous ears. Damn they've got good make-up people on this show! I kept thinking that underneath all that stuff it might be George Clooney or someone, but sadly, 'twas not. Anyway, Dr. Sean McNamara confronts the poor man and says, "Now I get it! You're so eaten up with jealousy because of your own extraordinary ugliness that only making other people feel badly can make you feel better!" Deep!

We shift over to sadsack poisoning victim and sometime lesbian Julia putting on some much-needed under-eye concealer. You should get it in bulk at Costco, Julia! Her hands are shaking and as she brushes her hair a giant clump falls out and she looks rightfully horrified. Then to add insult to injury she goes to her lovah Dr. Christian Troy's house to find him doing it with some girl he picked up at a gas station. Cue talk about his extreme bastardiness and the sad truth that they were both disappointed that reality had fallen so short of their fantasies of what being together would be like. Or something. The main point of this scene is for Julia to say, "Only now do I see how ugly you really are!" and by that she means deep down in his soul. She regrets blowing it with her lovah Olivia and although Dr. Christian Troy wants to remain friends, she replies that she might forgive him but can never forget that he left her in the lurch her time of need!

Back at the office, Dr. Sean McNamara is having a consultation with the writer, August Walden, who has written a damning review of his own face that he reads out loud. When Dr. Sean McNamara apologizes for calling him Hideous McFugly at the coffee shop, August Walden insists that he is thankful because he's in love with a barrista at the cafe and wants a new face with which to woo her. At first Dr. Sean McNamara is worried about a conflict of interest blah blah blah, but when August Walden promises to write a new review of "Hearts & Scalpels" and describe Dr. Sean McNamara as a "young Gary Cooper," it is done and done.

Dr. Christian Troy walks into a recovery room to discover Port Wine Emmy making the bed, and she says she has to find some way of paying back the favor of the free surgery. Gee, do you think sex will somehow be involved? She tells him that she was called "Swamp Thing" in high school and has never had a boyfriend in her life. He takes her to the mirror and of course she is very pretty.

Surgery time! August Walden is getting operated on by Dr. Sean McNamara to an olden-timey song about "The Ugly Duckling." Heh.

Dr. Christian Troy and Emmy meet his creepy son Matt in the hallway; Matt has flowers for his Israeli burn victim therapist/girlfriend. Dr. Christian Troy is clearly trying to set up Emmy with Matt but he's having none of it. He loves his girlfriend! They're going to watch a dvd of Munich together! (I almost peed my pants laughing at that line.) He's learning Hebrew! Dr. Christian Troy is appalled and spits out, "You'll take any kind of Kool-Aid a girl will feed you, eh?" And the answer to that is yes, Dr. Christian Troy, he will! And ask for seconds!

Olivia, who has been away somehere while her girlfriend cheated with Dr. Christian Troy, walks in to her house and finds Julia in bed looking sicksicksick. She finds out about the hair falling out and she's all, "I missed you, Julia, I'm not going to let anything happen to you, you're my angel" and is basically the anti-Dr. Christian Troy, so of course Julia, being Julia, comes right back with, "I've been having an affair with Dr. Christian Troy, but it's over, finally, for reals, blah blah blah." Olivia forgives her and says she is sending off the hair to some lab out of state to find out what is wrong with Julia.

(FYI: During the ad for the new movie Witless Protection starring Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy I serioulsy contemplated ending my life. My filmgoing life, at least. Appalling. Just...unbelievably appalling.)

Julia is reading letters in her house, I think, and conniving sloot Eden brings her TEA. Evil, poisoned tea! Julia goes on and on about what "a doll" Eden has been, helping poison her and whatnot, and Eden replies, "Hey, there's one more piece of fruitcake in the fridge!" Really, that's what she says. And Julia says, sure, ok, fill 'er up! Then while Eden is getting the Fruitcake of Death, Julia finally looks down at her mail and reads the lab analysis of her hair and it's MERCURY POISOINING FROM CONTAMINATED FOOD. In walks Eden with the fruitcake. Julia says she'll take it to her room.

The doctors are taking the gauze off of "Falafel Face"'s face and she reveals that it has been Matt pushing her to have all these surgeries all along and she's done with them and him and is going back to Israel. She says he's a "nice boy but he's very confused, he thinks that I am the answer, Judaism is the answer," but he needs to look inside himself for the answers. Yeah, like that'll ever happen! Matt shows up and she tells him the bad news about going back to Tel Aviv, and the little fact that she's not only not in love with him but is also not attracted to him in the slightest, that there's no "inner chemistry" between them because he looks so much like Michael Jackson. So of course he reverts to total dick mode and asks, "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" and basically tries to be holier than thou and a complete prick at the same time, and then wise falafel faced Rachel says that he just wanted to find someone who was so desperate that they wouldn't leave him, ie his whole life story, and he throws the flowers at her and leaves and then runs right into The Patient Formerly Known As Port Wine Emmy, who is in some kind of argument on the phone with her mother. (Ding! Ding!) He asks if she'd like to "go grab some lunch," which in L.A. apparently means "leap into the sack and do it immediately."

Ugh. They're lying in bed and of course being creepy Matt, he's blathering on about how he's "never felt a connection like this before, it's amazing" and it turns out that Emmy was a virgin and he is "honored" to have deflowered her and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Then she says how incredible the past few days have been: First she met her father (DING! DING!) and then she got her face fixed and then she porked Matt, who asks who her father is and...her father is Dr. Christian Troy! Who, of course, is Matt's father, too! DINGDINGDINGDING! CODE RED! CODE RED!

August Walden and his new face go with Dr. Sean McNamara to the coffee shop looking for the barrista he's been stalking, but before she can get a gander at his newly improved looks, a male coffee shop employee comes up and starts ranting that Walden's negative review of his work in a featured recurring role on "NCIS" ruined his career and killed his dream, and then he throws burning hot coffee on his face!

Back at the incest nook, creepy Matt is looking up websites for "couples who are related." EWW! He and Emmy check out a testimonial that reads, "For us, incest is the best of all worlds." ACK! THIS SHOW IS SO UNBELIEVABLE! Emmy is torn--she's freaked out about having freak babies, but for some unknown reason she doesn't want to stop being with creepy Matt; on the other hand she's afraid that "this is wrong." Ya think? Dr. Christian Troy comes busting in and he's pleased as punch that Matt and Emmy are shacked up. Matt takes him aside, but instead of telling his father that he is having sex with his heretofor unknown illegitamate half-sister, he wimps out and makes up some story about Emmy needing a prescription for emergency contraception. Dr. Christian Troy says how great it is that they're "being careful."Oh, the sweet, delicous irony of it all! (Speaking of irony, I wonder if there's some not-so-hidden meaning in naming this girl "Emmy.")

Back on the set of "Hearts & Scalpels," Tub Shitter Kate tells Dr. Sean McNamara that she's glad about Walden getting scalded, but Sean says he's not glad at all and describes the extensive 2nd and 3rd degree burns that he suffered. Then some guy who is not Oliver Platt comes up and shows them a really bad review they got in the Los Angeles Times. Does "Nip/Tuck" get a lot of bad reviews or something? This show is so self-referential and meta-y, I guess it must, but I don't remember actually seeing a bad write-up. Mostly I bet people are too dumbfounded to do anything but stare at the screen with their mouths hanging open.

Next we see conniving sloot Eden as she comes into a room with "healing tea" for Julia, who for some reason takes this opportunity--alone in the house with no witnesses anywhere for miles and miles--to accuse her of poisoning her. Julia says that the fruitcake was 80% contaminated with mercury (which leaves 20% for those grody green jelly thingies I can't stand). Eden grabs the phone and pours herself a drink. She tells Julia that she's had oodles of fun watching her slowly get weaker and weaker, but--sorry, I'm really distracted by the camel toe on Eden's wide-leg pants, it is pretty mesmerizing--then she says she'll go and pack her bags and wait for her mother and the police to show up so she can confess everything and make amends for her crime. And Julia, in her weakened, poisoned state, believes her. Eden goes into Julia's bedroom, gets the gun--the one that is finally put into play after being so laboriously introduced into the plot several episodes back--from the bedside table and shoots Julia! And scene. Fade to black.

OMG. Next week is the season finale! The preview is a flurry of flashes of crazy suicidal/murderous stalker/faux agent Colleen Rose on the set of "Hearts & Scalpels" here, a body in a bodybag there, scenes of conniving sloot Eden being even more conniving and slooty, zing, zang, zig, zag--I can't keep up with all the images! Is Julia dead or alive? Will Bradley Cooper make his triumphant return? Is Wilbur OK? Does Dr. Christian Troy have AIDS? Are Matt and Emmy really related? And the most important question of all probably won't be answered: What will I do when it's over?


Beto said...

Now I watch Nip/Tuck to just know what's going on in your excellent summaries. Hat's off!

TrAngela said...

If Oliver Platt does not come on screen with a Hearts & Scaples track suit, the show is dead to me.

I might also turn it off if Colleen makes no teddy bear references or shoves bear eyes into a human.

I'm a lady. I have my requirements!