OK, I think maybe my expectations were a wee bit too high for the latest episode of "Nip/Tuck." I was so excited by last week's spectacular, plus the promise of a veritable who's who of 1980s night-time soap stars and the dangling carrot of a Patron Saint of Felt Up Jocelyn Wildenstein tie-in that probably nothing would be able to sate my lust. But I have to say I was a tad disappointed. As disappointed as I can be with a show featuring a deranged killer who Teddy Bears people to death, that is. It's just that sometimes this show is able to hit you in the stomach and make you gag and leave your head spinning with it's fast-paced fantasmagoria of luridness, and somehow it just didn't quite reach that fever pitch I enjoy so much. Still, it definitely had its moments. Commençons, shall we?
**I WARN YOU THAT ONCE AGAIN I GOT RATHER LONG-WINDED ON THIS ONE**
**IT'S TOO BAD I DON'T GET PAID BY THE WORD. OR AT ALL.**
**TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT SPOILERS?"
**HERE WE GO!**
Previously on "Nip/Tuck," we totally bleeeew your minds!
Dr. Sean McNamara has been booked by his publicist Bliss as a judge on the Miss Teen USA pageant, and his crazy stalker agent Colleen Rose aks why he would want to hang around a "bunch of double-digit IQs with bulimia breath." Heh. Then Bliss shoots back, asking why Dr. Sean McNamara would want to hang out with a "menopausal woman with chardonnay breath and an ill-fitting ensemble from Chico's," ie, Colleen Rose. Double heh. Colleen Rose pipes up that she's gotten Dr. Sean McNamara a job as the national spokeman for some Sizzler heart-healthy buffet. Neither Dr. Sean McNamara nor Bliss are impressed. Bliss calls her "grandma."
Dr. Christian Troy saunters in and tries to get Colleen Rose to represent him; she tells him that he's untalented and cannot act and she can't waste her valuable Dr. Sean McNamara stalking/ creepy teddy-bear making time on him. After he leaves, rather crushed, Bliss tells Colleen Rose to get Dr. Christian Troy a Burke Williams gift certificate; it's a spa, I looked it up. Oh, spas.
Miss Donna Mills shows up in leopard print to tell Dr. Christian Troy that she represents a group of society ladies who are shopping around for a new plastic surgeon and throwing a meet-n-greet audition/dinner party they want him to attend. He huffily responds that he's a plastic surgeon and "not a gigolo," which is of course a lie, as he is both a plastic surgeon and a gigolo.
Conniving teenage sloot Eden and conniving middle-aged sloot Kimber show up in the office and Dr. Christian Troy asks Eden if Kimber has "sucked her into that deep hole of whoredom," to which we can safely say, "too late!" Eden has a huge ugly black eye from doing a high concept porn movie called Inside Kimber Henry in which she plays a young, virginal version of Kimber to Kimber's old, slooty version of Kimber and they frolick in a pink-and-black boudoir and make out with each other until Eden gets her to punch her in the eye so that she will "get noticed" in the porn industry. Kimber and Dr. Christian Troy bicker a bit, and Kimber tells him that her daughter/Dr. Christian Troy's granddaughter's first word was "Ram," meaning her pornographer boyfriend played by Mr. John Schneider with extremely believable porniness.
Eden asks Dr. Sean McNamara to get her out of her contract to do porn with Ram's studio and Sean agrees, like the whipped creampuff he is.
The night of the plastic surgery auditon dinner, Donna Mills answers the door holding a cat. Dr. Christian Troy, dressed like James Bond, says "nice pussy." Hee hee! She introduces her to her friends: Miss Debra Shelton (of "Dallas," though she doesn't ring a bell), Miss Shari Belafonte-Harper, resplendent in a silver shag wig, who tells Dr. Christian Troy that she's "still married but multi-orgasmic," and a truly frightening-looking be-trout-lipped Miss Joan Van Ark. Donna Mills says of her pals that they were there for her "last year when I had my vagina tightened," and Debra Shelton says things like "I'll drink to that...and to Percocet!" and Joan Van Ark, when asked if she's lost weight, says "I'm down five! I haven't had a carb since '87!" They are a total delight.
There are other doctors there trying to get the gig, bragging about going to Harvard and whatnot, and during dinner, when it's Dr. Christian Troy's turn he says, "I didn't go to my own graduation because I was too busy spreading my population paste all over half the female population of U. of M." Eww. "Population paste." Yuck. And awesome. So one of the snooty doctors says, "Oooh, great resume, your parents must be very proud," to which Dr. Christian Troy responds, "You want to see my resume, Stretch?" and he unzips his pants and WHIPS IT OUT right there at the table! He explains to his dumbfounded dining partners that the doctor with the biggest pee-pee will be the one with the most confidence, and thus the most skill, and then says, "Any of you boys think you can trump my ace of clubs?" and they all look defeated. No, Dr. Christian Troy, they cannot trump your ace of clubs, and they are sad. The ladies are aglow!
While Eden recovers from her eye surgery, Kmber and Ram show her the script for their new movie, which contains a bukakke scene too gross even for Eden. Eww. When Eden is not so thrilled, Kimber throws a hissy fit and tell her to "show a little gratitude! I worked all night on that!" When Eden says she plans on being a star, Kimber spits out: "Star? You're not even a wet spot in this industry!" And Eden comes right back with "You need to be a little more dilligent with the moisturizer!" and goes on to explain that "youth sells porn, not nostalgia." Oooh, burn!
Dr. Sean McNamara tries to get Eden out of her contract; despite what Eden just said about porn being all about the young hotties, apparently Ram has got a lot of over 50-year-old ladies in his stable of porn stars that he runs like beat-up old carny ponies at the state fair and they need to get some plastic surgery done. Dr. Sean McNamara agrees to work on "four grannies" in return for letting Eden out of her contract.
I kid you not, but "Cat Scratch Fever" is playing while Joan Van Ark is reverse cowgirling Dr. Christian Troy during her "consultation." Then they cut to a scene of Debra Shelton riding astride him; he tells her she has "the tits of a 30 year-old" but admits she could get some implants to increase firmness and she says that breast-feeding caused the problem and then says, naturally, "You want to nurse me, pretty boy?" Who writes this show? What unsung genius comes up with this stuff? Well-played, sirs and/or madams. My hat is off to you!
Shari Belafonte-Harper does it with him, too, and has a bunch of surgery.
Dr. Christian Troy finally talks with Donna Mills and she tells him that she wants her face "to reflect the duality of my nature...the sacred feline essence within." And he realizes that what she's really saying is: "You want me to make you look like a cat." Meow! THEY ARE FINALLY GOING THERE. THEY ARE GOING TO DO A JOCELYN WILDENSTEIN STORY ARC! Huzzah!
In the mean time, Dr. Sean McNamara and Eden share a tender moment when he tells her that he's gotten her porn producer to give up her contract and even though they have deep, deep feelings for each other, their love is forbidden by society because he is old enough to be her father, she is 18, she's a porn star, he's her doctor, she's the daughter of his ex-wife's lesbian lover, she poisoned his ex-wife, she tried to blackmail him and his best friend/business partner, and she's an evil manipulator who told his 11 year-old daughter that she was fat and should get liposuction, become bulemic, or take dangerous pills to lose weight. Hiding in the shadows is Colleen Rose! She overheard everything! AAAAAH!
And once again I'd like to nominate for a special Emmy the musical director of this show for playing recently-insured chest-hair-haver Mr. Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?"as Dr. Christian Troy performs Donna Mills' Jocelynectomy. Nurse Liz argues with him that it's "barbaric" to turn Donna Mills into a cat. Oh, now, I don't know, Liz. Let's not be rash. I think we're moving into the "post-human" era in L.A. these days, don't you?
Eden is alone in her recovery room when up comes the scary Exorcist-y music that means Colleen Rose is coming to call! Dear god, she's made her a "Love Yourself Eden Bear"! Aaaaaaah! The teddy bear says "I love you I love you I love you" over and over and Eden, no fool, says "That's creepy and so are you." Colleen Rose tells her Dr. Sean McNamara doesn't love her and never will, and Eden cackles, "You're totally in love with Sean! You're a desperate old bag and you're in love with your client! What a cliche!" I was kind of hoping that at this point Colleen Rose would grab Eden and stuff her full of Teddy Bear filling and make a much larger "Love Yourself Eden Bear," but sadly instead she just tells her that Dr. Sean McNamara and Aidan from "Hearts & Scalpels" told everyone on the set that she's a whore. Like this is news. Eden totally believes it and is crushed.
Dr. Sean McNamara's publicist Bliss calls and there's some kind of emergency at Hollywood and Highland that he needs to come down for, stat!
Back at the surgery suite, the rich ladies are popping champers for the unveiling of Donna Mills' new face, and lo and behold, she is the spitting image of Joceyln Wildenstein! Yay! The ladies drop their champagne flutes in shock! Donna Mills makes cat hissing noises and says, "I'm a hot little pussy now!" The ladies completely freak and realize that she's "off her meds." It turns out that Donna Mills is bipolar! Joan Van Ark tells Dr. Christian Troy, "You have too much dick and not enough brains," to which I'd like to say on his behalf, Joan, that you have too much lip and not enough melanin. Seriously, her lips look like something that's been floating in a river for a year, they are so bloated and oddly pale. He assures them he can fix this minor problem and Debra Shelton says,"You better or you're going to be giving nose jobs to homeless chicks on Shitter's Alley!" Oh, Debra. I don't remember you from atom, but you are a lost treasure who should have a flourishing TV career and for all I know, you do!
Cut to Bliss and Sean at the tourist area at Hollywood and Highland Boulevards, where Colleen Rose has been discovered by Bliss selling teddy bears at a kiosk! She's wearing ears on her head! And that box with the killer stuffing is right there, out in the daylight for all to see! Colleen Rose first tries to play like she's filling in for her niece, but Bliss has done her homework and found out she works there 8 hours a day and is not a licensed agent. Cue Exorcist-y music! Dr. Sean McNamara is so pissed, he swipes a bunch of teddies off the kiosk shelf! That'll show her! He storms off in a huff! He's disgusted! And through with her forever! Or so he thinks!
Next we see Kimber in bed with Ram and she's taking some sort of pills and he doesn't like it; she is clearly upset about something and pouting. The camera pulls back and we see the problem: Eden is on the other side of the bed! The bed covered in black satin sheets! Ram says, "How's my baby girl doing? Welcome to the family!" Eeeww!
Back in surgery, Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy are breaking my heart and "fixing" Donna Mills' face, which was perfectly fine and not hurting anyone! Sigh! Dr. Christian Troy compares Colleen Rose to Donna Mills and says they both gave into these women and their "mental blow jobs" that stroked their egos.
Dr. Sean McNamara goes home. They have a whole see-through fridge full of wine! Wow! Uh oh. There's blood on the railing and he follows the blood trail into the house...someone is bleeding on the balcony...there's blood all over the couch outside...someone with blonde hair...And it's Colleen Rose! She has slit her wrists! He calls 911. And scene! Fade to black!
Next week, a much-needed and hopefully glorious return to the set of "Hearts & Scalpels," a lot of talk about people and how ugly they are, the Israeli burn victim telling horrible Michael Jackson-lookalike Matt that she's not attracted to him (is anyone?), and the storyline about Eden poisoning Julia seems to make a comeback. She offers her tea! Conniving evil teenage sloot tea! Don't drink it, Julia!