Monday, January 14, 2008

Wassa Goin' On Rock of Love 2--Now With More Skank!

(image via vh1)

Dude. I really didn't think it was humanly possible, but the geniuses behind VH1's "Rock of Love" have actually managed to up the skanky ho quotient to dizzying, fabulous new levels! Last night's premiere of Season 2 managed to contain a veritable smorgasbord of vulgarity, a cavalcade of trashiness, with all manner of gratuitous pole dancing, breast exposure, booty-shaking, possible labia majora flashing, a contestant passed out from drunkeness who missed the elimination, and approximately 1,000 way-too-much-tongue makeouts with Bret Michaels.

All I can say is kudos, producers of "Rock of Love." Kudos, sirs! Well-played, indeed!

(image via vh1)

The first sign that things were off to a brilliant start was when Bret arrived in front of his new fake home astride a motorcycle, and after a few pleasantries with the new contestants, promptly picked out four ladies for possible elimination. Lots of snuffles and near-tears from the four, and lots of snarky snickering from the rest. But surprise! Big John ends up handing out special VIP passes to the four and then leads them to their extra-special VIP bedroom, where they drink (Cristalino) champagne and get swag bags. When the other contestants figure out that not only were the four not sent home but got special privileges (including the coveted one-on-one time with Bret) and a bunch of free crap, they are livid! Outraged! Sore losers! And the audience is delighted with the extremely speedy way in which the contestants have been made to despise each other and burn with jealousy!

Bret, by the way, seems to have realized from watching the first season that his previous facelifts had left him looking like a be-doo-ragged Carrot Top, so he wisely had some touch-up work and he looks much better, albeit deranged. Also he has traded in whatever form of hair piece he used to use (extensions? small furry animal?) for a flowing, radiant, resplendent blonde ladies' wig. The bandannas, of course, remain. (Are his wigs attached to them like those ponytail baseball caps that make me want to die?)

Here I have assembled a montage of Bret's face through the years for your perusement and amusement, sort of a Descent of Man Through the Ages:

Stage One, The Glory Days of Poison:

Stage Two, Every Pose Has Its Corn, Every Goatee Should Be Shorn:

Stage Three, The Carrot Top Years:

Stage Four, Post-Op:

Stage Four And A Half, Post-Post-Op:

(image via rolling stone)

Now on to the ladies, who are, believe it or not, even skankier than last time around. I know! Hard to believe! There are a couple of beauties (one of whom was, of course, immediately eliminated), but the rest are hos fo' sho'. And best of all, these hos are a supremely deformed hatched-faced group, and it is glorious. It's a real tight race for Most Frightening Visage, but I have to go with Angelique, AKA Frenchie:

As a regular viewer of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," I have seen my share of plastic surgery disasters, but Frenchie takes the cake! She is, I'm afraid and glad to say, a true grotesque. (She was also the one to bare her boobs during the Bret-takes-hott-pix-of-the-contestants-to-see-which-ones-will-put-out-immediately-and-which -ones-are-prudes segment of the show.) Bonus: she is also quite crazed.

This photo of Daisy doesn't really do her justice:

On TV her face is much, much more deformed and freakish-looking. Her hugely-engorged fake lips gave me a sudden craving for trout almondine. Of course, Bret found her so fetching that she was one of the VIPs.

This lady stood out because a) she's a rather well-preserved and attractive 45-year-old and b) she has a real bad case of Naomi Judd hair:

Catherine, I beseech thee: Don't go changin'! However, as an age-appropriate non-stripper, I'm afraid your days are numbered.

The rest of the ladies need some time to show their personalities, such as they are, and impress us with their over-the-top trashtastic antics...

O "Rock of Love," how you rock my world!


Anonymous said...

My heart skipped a beat when they showed that Heather will be making a return appearance of some sort this season. Where is HER reality show?

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Also: All of those creepy long blonde-haired collagen-lipped ladies look like Pete Burns, which I'm pretty sure is not the look they were going for. Or maybe it was? He is a lyrical genius, after all.

Terri R.

jennifer said...

Yes, we all agreed last night that it was like some kind of Pete Burns spectacular; I forgot to mention the amazing resemblance between Madame Burns and several of the ladies...thanks for reminding me Terri R.!

Anonymous said...

wassa goin on!!!! looooove ittt!!!