Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Puppetry of the Penis Is A Dying Art
Last night's episode of "Nip/Tuck" was a vast improvement over last week's bummerfest, especially because there was nary a peep from creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt or his Israeli burn victim muse, although I am still sick to death of Julia's illness. Friend of Felt Up Terri R. had to remind me that Julia was poisoned during the holidays with a deadly fruitcake by Elizabeth Berkeley-lookalike/evil teen sloot Eden, but this storyline still manages to bore me to tears. However, the rest of the show's story lines were totes boffo, thank god!
**WARNING, SPOILERS AHEAD!**
**LOTS OF 'EM!**
**HOT, NAUGHTY, DIRTY SPOILERS!**
**NIPPING AND TUCKING COMMENCES NOW**
First we had an old lady named Madga and her much younger dude, Jeff, who come in for a consultation with the doctors. It seems they are married, and way back in the '80s, the foul-mouthed awesome cougar made her boy-toy get electrolysis treatments so he would be smooth and hairless, as was the fashion then. Now she's changed her mind and wants him to be a "retrosexual" with a mustache, hair on his chest, and "fur on his ass." The dude is played by Robert Gant, who was Dr. Ben on "Queer As Folk," and I am sad to say that although the IMDB listed Miss Phyllis Diller as the old lady, it was clearly not her. I guess she couldn't do it for some reason, but oh how awesome that would've been! I feel robbed! Sigh! While they're all talking, Magda falls asleep and lets rip a fart, about which Jeff says sadly, "She was up until 1:30 am eating nachos and watching 'Last Call With Carson Daily.'" Well, weren't we all?
Then it's over to my beloved "Hearts & Scalpels" set, where genius Bradley Cooper, as hilariously egomaniacal actor Aidan Stone, is performing surgery, despite his character having suffered a bout of "river blindness" from operating on children in the Amazonian rain forest. When the scene is done filming, Aidan talks with his "blindness consultant," an actual blind man. Aidan asks him if was impressed: "I was doing some really cool shit with my eyes...what did it look like?" The blind guy demurs. Aidan then proceeds to tell him of his plan to "show that blind people can cry just like normal people." Hee hee!
Suddenly evil teen sloot Liz Berkeley-lookalike Eden shows up and she and Aidan go off to do it in his trailer.
In the mean time, Sharon Gless has arrived on the set as talent agent Colleen Rose, who wants to represent Dr. Sean McNamara. After she negotiates some re-shoots with Felt Up fave rave Oliver Platt (brilliant as usual as closeted gay TV producer Freddie Prune), Colleen gets the job. Since the theme music from The Exorcist seems to be playing in the background, I'm pretty sure Colleen is going to turn out to be bad news.
The next scene is in a conference room, where the major "Hearts & Scalpels" players are gathered. There is a videotape of evil teen sloot Eden and egomaniac actor Aidan going at it in his trailer being played on a TV, and Aidan is heard saying of Barbara Shapiro, the head of his show's network (played by Miss Marlee Matlin): "That deaf bitch? The only reason they let her in the Jewish mafia is to fulfill their disability quotient!" Then he proceeds to do a cruel imitation of her deaf speech patterns, all while boffing the evil teen sloot standing up at the countertop of his trailer. Barbara Shapiro is, of course, watching the tape. The best part is that after all this, Aidan's reaction is "I'm not a premature ejaculator!" and "I love the Jews!" Barbara tells him he has to go to rehab for three months and that Dr. Sean McNamara is the new star of "Hearts & Scalpels." Wowee! (Also, with the "L Word"'s Marlee Matlin and "Queer As Folk"'s Robert Gant and Sharon Gless, this episode is a veritable Who's Who of gay-themed TV superstars!)
In the mean time, Julia is sick, blah blah blah, and she thinks it might be AIDS contracted from her affair with Dr. Christian Troy. His craaaazy HIV-positive baby mama Gina, whom Dr. Sean McNamara brought in as a secretary on last week's episode to torture Dr. Christian Troy, preys upon his weaknesses, and despite the fact that he says he's "not going near that saber-toothed snatch" and that she's "got the gates of hell between her legs," she lures him into a "post-modern" three-way, where she watches him have sex with a hooker who looks just like her. When she complains that he's not looking into her eyes enough he responds, "This is not puppetry of the penis! If you want an acrobat, blow a chimp!" Oh, Dr. Christian Troy, you do have such a way with words!
Back in the office, poor ole Jeff is looking at his sweet new 'stache and talking over his probs with Dr. Christian Troy, when in walks his old lady, who demands to have sex right then and there, and, awesomely, to "sit on his face." Dr. Christian Troy manages to get Jeff out of his conjugal duties and buy him some time, but soon we see Magda on top of her stud in his hospital bed, yelling about her Tom Selleck fantasy, calling him "Magnum!" and screaming "Super Orgasm!" while Minnie Ripperton's "Loving You" plays in the background. Then he has a grand mal seizure and, we find out later, is a vegetable for the rest of his life.
Sharon Gless' agent lady gets all drunk (just like Cagney on "Cagney & Lacey!" nice shout out!) at a business dinner with Dr. Sean McNamara and starts getting a tad inappropriate by mentioning his "scrumptious weenie." In the car in front of her ginormous home, she makes a pass at him by offering up her naked boobs and describing them thusly: "They look fake, they're so perky!" He rejects her advances and drives off; we see her amble away on foot and realize: This is not her beautiful house! This is not her beautiful life! My God, what has she done?
Old cougar Magda picks up a fresh young kid and brings him in for some work to make him more handsome, and then lectures the doctors on doing whatever you want, whenever you want because there is "no one keeping score." I think this is a reference to atheism, or perhaps it's another kinky sex thing. You can never tell with this show.
Back on the set of "Hearts & Scalpels," Dr. Sean McNamara has his big scene as the lead actor, and it's a beaut! A Latino dude is in the fake E.R. with a bad case of literal, wriggling "human tail" that he is certain is a sign that he's possessed by the devil; he sprays green crap all over Dr. Sean McNamara's former fiancee/hot tub shitter/fellow actor Kate, which prompts Oliver Platt to ask an underling if he can "see if there's any of that pea soup left at craftie."
Then Sharon Gless as the agent shows up with some apology Jamba Juice, but Dr. Sean McNamara is having none of it and tersely tells her they have to keep their relationship business-only from now on, bans her from the set unless he invites her, and has a flunky dump the Jamba Juice (heh), then goes off to do it in his trailer with a young extra/sloot. It's already all gone to his head! He has become Eve Harrington to Aidan's Margot Channing!
Over in Gina/Julia/Dr. Christian Troy World, crazy Gina tells Julia that she and Dr. Christian Troy are having an affair, which he denies. Julia is peevish, and also dying from poisoned fruit cake. Gina has Dr. Christian meet her for a roof-top date, but he brings along a restraining order, which might put a crimp in some ladies' evening, but not ole Gina! She tells him he will always love her because she's "the filthiest piece of ass" he's ever had, and begs him to do it to her with a condom she has brought along for the occasion. He doesn't want to, but since he's Dr. Christian Troy, he totally does, against the railing. By this time I was shouting at the screen: YOU KNOW SHE POKED A HOLE IN THAT CONDOM SO SHE CAN GIVE YOU AIDS, DR. CHRISTIAN TROY! YOU ARE INSANE! Suddenly she falls over backwards and plunges to her death!
Oh. My. Gawww. So much to process! Next week, as I predicted, Sharon Gless is totally stalking Dr. Sean McNamara, and the mysterious "suicide" of crazy evil Gina is a touch difficult for Dr. Christian Troy to explain. Huzzah, "Nip/Tuck"! Huzzah!