Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Fleshing Out The Part

O.M.G. Just when I think "Nip/Tuck" has finally run out of shocking things to freak me out of my skin, they crank it up another notch and then keep going! Huzzah!



**USUAL SPOILER ALERT**

**I'M KINDA GETTING TIRED OF HAVING TO DO THIS EVERY TIME**

**BUT I GUESS IT IS INTERWEB ETIQUETTE AND WHATNOT**

**HERE WE GO! THIS RECAP IS PRETTY LONG! I GOT A BIT CARRIED AWAY!**

First we see that everyone thinks crazy evil Gina, who plunged to her death during building-top outdoor possible-AIDS-spreading sex with Dr. Christian Troy last week, has committed suicide, which suits Dr. Christian Troy just fine.

Then Dr. Christian Troy and Dr. Sean McNamara meet with a nervous newlywed couple who tell them they had a spot of trouble during their honeymoon. It seems they were on a ski vacation and their car went off the road and stranded them in the snow for ten days. The wife has "extreme hypoglycemia," so to keep her alive they had their own private Donner Party and the husband gouged out chunks of his own flesh, toasted them up on the car lighter, and fed them to her. Truueeeew love! While the doctors operate to repair the husband's filleted body parts, they play '80s classic "I Eat Cannibals" by Toto Coelo. God, I love this show. God, I'm embarrassed I didn't have to Google who sang "I Eat Cannibals."

Next we see Dr. Christian Troy at his adorable son Wilbur's school, where his teacher informs him that Wilbur has bitten a fellow student and has been expelled. When Dr. Christian Troy tells her Wilbur's mother recently died and that he has not been told, she says she'll see if they can keep Wilbur in school, but admonishes him to tell Wilbur the truth about crazy evil Gina ASAP.

Back at home Dr. Christian Troy fantasizes that he tells Wilbur that "Daddy killed" his mother during sex, and Wilbur adorably asks him, "Was Mommy a skank?" and he says, yes, she was a bad person and they're better off without her. Oh, if only. In reality he tells Wilbur that Mommy went on a long trip and won't be coming back "for a long time." Oh, poor adorable Wilbur.

Then Dr. Christian Troy goes to the funeral home where crazy evil Gina's smashed up skull is being worked on by a cigarette-smoking mortician lady; apparently there's no way to "put this Humpty Dumpty back together again" so it's going to be a closed-casket funeral. Why they were even considering anything else is beyond my comprehension. Dr. Christian Troy tells crazy evil Gina's corpse that "for all of the times I wanted to kill you, this wasn't one of them." Aww, that's kind of sweet!

Back at McNamara/Troy, Dr. Sean McNamara's agent/possible stalker Colleen Rose (played brilliantly by blowsy old broad Miss Sharon Gless) has come in for a consultation about her hideously deformed "hammer toes." He is hesitant but she insists she's not looking for a "freebie," so he agrees. Flash on over to the surgery suite, where he says "it's hammer time," and I was cruelly disappointed when they played Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" rather than MC Hammer, but you can't have it all, I suppose.

During the surgery a bunch of suit-wearing people with earpieces and sunglasses stride through the hallways. I figured it was either the C.I.A., a group of Scientologists, cast-members of a new Matrix movie, or Hollywood agents; it turns out to be the latter. They are from Creative Artists Agency, or C.A.A., and the lead agent, Bob Levitz, wants to represent Dr. Sean McNamara. Oddly, super-agent Levitz has never heard of Colleen Rose or her agency. My Stalk-o-Meter is going ding ding ding!

You know what else makes my Stalk-O-Meter go through the roof? When Colleen Rose gives Dr. Sean McNamara a homemade "Sean Bear" while the theme to The Exorcist plays in the background, that's what! I know, call me paranoid. She had secretly recorded Dr. Sean McNamara saying "Tell me what you don't like about yourself" so the Sean Bear can say it, too. Also, she's never heard of "Caw" (aka "C.A.A.")! Her hobby is "making Teddies"! AAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your life, Dr. Sean McNamara!

Even if Colleen Rose wasn't creeping the hell out of Dr. Sean McNamara and us, he's already being swayed to leave Colleen Rose for C.A.A. because David Levitz has ingeniously played up his agency's commitment to charity and invites Dr. Sean McNamara to New Orleans to build a house for "Katrina kids." When Colleen Rose finds out that he's going, she screams bloody murder and throws the Sean bear at him!

Elsewhere, Mr. Donner is not recovering well from his re-chunking surgery; he has an infection they can't figure out. His cannibal wife is hysterical and threatens to commit suicide if he dies!

Dr. Christian Troy and Nurse Liz go to crazy evil Gina's funeral, which turns out to be entirely filled with members of her Sexaholics Anonymous group. Awesomely, they take turns eulogizing the dearly departed thusly:

"She gave the best damn blowjob I ever had."

"Gina gave me the rim job of my life!"

"Her hand job was like an octupus."

"The taint is real, folks. Gina taught me that."

"I'm hard right now."

"I'm going to be whacking off to those memories for the rest of my life."

Then they totally kill the buzz with a guy who says that he was the one who gave crazy evil Gina AIDS and that she saved his life with her kindness. A) I don't buy it. She was crazy! And evil! B) Way to kill my boner, "Nip/Tuck"!

Back at school, adorable Wilbur bites another child and this one needs stitches, and the teacher is all "lawsuit" this and "expulsion" that, but apparently all will be forgiven if Dr. Christian Troy will have loud, vigorous sex on his couch with her. In the midst of this, she bites him hard on the neck...and he realizes that it is SHE who has been biting the kids and not adorable Wilbur! He calls her "Vampira" and says, "I hope you know how to operate a griddle, because you won't be teaching kids anymore." Heh. He brings a cop to the school to take an indention of her teethmarks, but the teacher had caps made so she can bite away and not get caught. Wily! He still gets her fired, though.

Mr. Donner's infection is worse but the mystery as to its cause is solved when Mrs. Donner admits she hacked off a piece of her own arm and fed it to him because a) "love nourishes," b) she wants to relieve some of her own guilt, and c) she is quite, quite mad. Her hunk o' love is rife with bacteria and she nearly kills him, but he is rushed to the hospital and saved with antibiotics.

Next we see the C.A.A. agent Bob Levitz arriving at Colleen Rose's "home office" in Korea Town, which is horrifyingly filled with teddy bears on every surface. She has nutured her crafty side by making an extremely scary "agent bear" with horrible icky vampire teeth and gives it to a rather unappreciative Bob Levitz. They argue about Dr. Sean McNamara and then she conks him on the head with a bottle of Asti and he wakes up to find himself strapped to a chair with duct tape. Colleen Rose rolls in some kind of giant box filled with white stuff with a hose attached to it while some frightening sing-song creepy childlike music plays in the background. She forces Bob Levitz to open his mouth and shoves the hose in; she turns on the box and it turns out that it is filled with Teddy Bear stuffing and she fills the "Caw" agent's mouth with it until he dies! What a way to go! Then she closes his eyes and puts fake Teddy eyeballs on the lids! And puts the Bluetooth headpiece in his ear! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Mrs. Donner is having surgery on her de-gouged arm while Billy Idol's "Flesh For Fantasy" plays. I can't take much more! This show! It's just too good!

Colleen Rose is back in Dr. Sean McNamara's office and she apologizes for her previous outburst and wishes him well with "Caw," and he tells her that agent Bob Levitz had "some sort of spiritual awakening" while in New Orleans which led him to send a "mass e-mail" on his Blackberry explaining that he has run off to work with refugees in Darfur. So he and Colleen make up and he is her client again! AAAAAAAAAH! THIS WILL ONLY END IN TEARS, AND POSSIBLY ANOTHER GIANT STUFFED HUMAN TEDDY BEAR, DR. SEAN MCNAMARA!

Dr. Christian Troy gets adorable Wilbur an adorable puppy--adorably named Lipo! And he finally tells him that Mommy is never coming back from "her trip." And scene! Fade to black.

Well, as incredible as this episode was, it may pale in comparison to what is coming next week, because according to the preview, not only is Elizabeth Berkely-lookalike scheming teenage sloot Eden going to meet her destiny and go into porn with Kimber, but also--hold onto your hats!--Miss Joan Van Ark and Miss Donna Mills from "Knot's Landing," Miss Shari Belafonte-Harper from "Hotel," and Miss Debra Shelton from "Dallas" will all be appearing, and bestest of allest, DONNA MILLS IS GOING TO GET FELT UP MUSE EMERITUS JOCEYLEN WILDENSTEIN-INSPIRED SURGERY TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A CAT! I think I just peed my pants a little. I don't know if my tender heart can take this much excitement! This is quite simply the most over-the-top demented, brilliant show ever broadcast. Bravo, "Nip/Tuck"! Siete brillanti! I don't know why but for some reason you make me want to speak Italian! And I haven't even seen next week's show yet! Sono nell'amore con la vostra esposizione della TV! Bravissimo! BRAVISSIMO!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude, the human teddy bear stuff totally freaked me out, FOR REALS.

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Two More Things:

Another good Gina funeral tribute:

"My Little G-Spot...That's what I called her."

And I predict the season finale will end with Sean being kidnapped by Colleen and hobbled a la Misery, then rescued by Dr. Christian Troy, who will have to surgically repair his hobbled legs to the tune "Nobody Walks in L.A."

Terri R.

TrAngela said...

We're discussing renaming all the Poms "Lipo." Or, maybe, "Lipo," "Nip," and "Tuck."

This show is legendary. Ryan Murphy, you're a genius. Making Teddy Bears? I mean, SERIOUSLY!!!

Anonymous said...

would love to buy a sean mcnamara teddy bear. Are they for sale?