Monday, January 28, 2008

Crock of Love

Dude, I can hardly bear to write about last night's episode of "Rock of Love," so crushed am I about whose tour ended far, far too early.


(image via buddy tv)

**WHAT'S UP, SKANKS? SPOILERS AHEAD!**

**SPOILERS THAT HAVE BROKEN MY HEART!**

**AND YET, IN A WEIRD WAY, THEY KINDA TURN ME ON**

All right, let's get this over with!

First up, the girls are rounded up and taken to a roller derby track, where they are informed that they will be competing in the "Stroller Derby," in which a specially-outfitted fake "Baby Bret" (complete with shades and doo-rag) is strapped into a stroller and the contestants, divided into teams, have to skate the stroller around the rink three times and protect Baby Bret from attacks by the real-life L.A. Derby Dolls team-members, who were joined by Season One evil beyotch Lacey, who charmingly greeted the Season Two ladies by sneering, "What's up, skanks?" The Derby Dolls would be chasing each team and doing their best to beat the crap out of Baby Bret, who had sensors to determine the level of damage he'd received, and the team who protected Baby Bret the best would win.

The show tried in vain to make it look like lying liar Lacey, who should really give up her "singing" career and become a spokesmodel for Hot Topic, is an actual roller girl, but you could tell that she was barely able to keep up with the Derby Dolls. They did their best in the editing room, but I wasn't buying her act for one second. She was careening around extremely unsteadily. Sadly, though, they didn't even use much footage of her interacting with the new girls, except when she was pounding on Baby Bret. I was hoping for some kind of catfight to erupt off the track, but they kept all the violence focused on Baby Bret. Sigh.

There was a lot of really scary-looking-yet-hilarious falling-down-on-ass shots (and I can speak from recent personal experience that this is a very painful thing to endure!), and in the end, the team with Kristy Joe won, because she could skate very fast. The first team basically let Baby Bret be killed, the second team managed to let Baby Bret lose an arm and get permanently brain-damaged, but the third team protected him to the degree that with rehab and hard work, he'd be just retarded enough to become a rock star. Kristy Joe, as MVP, won a one-on-one date with Bret, and the other team-members, Frenchie (aka Angelique), Inna, and Aubry won a threesome date. Huzzah!

Back at the house there was some stupid made-up nonsense drama about Kristy Joe talking trash about another team and none of it made any sense, but it did involve someone telling her that she looked like a "freak show" without her make up on, which was kind of true, since she shaves or plucks her eyebrows into tiny apostrophes over her eyes and apparently fills them in with a Sharpie when she's all done up. This was all manufactured so that later, when Kristy Joe had her private winner's date with Bret, all kindsa crap could be done to her in the name of skank justice.

Aubry, Angelique, Inna, and Bret go on their date at that horrible Forty Deuce burlesque club that was the subject of its own reality show a while back. They watch a dancer perform some oddly aerobic and incredibly unerotic speed burlesque and then of course the three contestants are supposed to get up and do some shakin' themselves. Angelique is immediately confused by the idea of stripping but not getting completely naked, and the burlesque lady keeps stressing to her that it's about the "ART of the TEASE, the ART of the TEASE," but Angelique does not get it. Maybe it was a language barrier, as Angelique only speaks 'ho.

Inna got up on the stage in a full-length gown which stayed fully-buttoned (or tied up or however it was fastened) as she kind of shook her ass a little and seemed at a loss. Bret rather unkindly refers to her as his "Ukranian love tank." Aubry is better and gets down to some be-fringed underpants and shakes them around a lot. Bret approves. Then Angeligue does what she does best: She took off every stitch of clothing and lay flat on her back on the stage with her legs in the air. There was some fake "ooh-we-could-lose-our-license" drama which made no sense since THEY WERE ALONE IN THE CLUB, and the date was over.

The girls at the house have had it decided for them by the producers of the show that Kristy Joe is The Villain now and that they are thus within their rights to sabotage her date and ruin her life in any way possible. The producers also force Kristy Joe to pick as her dream date with Bret a romantic homemade dinner in the backyard, so that the sabotaging will be more convenient. Destiny and Daisy are going to use their VIP passes to interrupt the date. Roxy, who also has a pass for winning last episode's dance contest with her Funky Chicken, decides that she will be classy and wait a bit before using hers.

Kristy Joe unwisely decides that this is the best time to inform Bret that not only has she been married twice, but that her second marriage is technically not over yet, as she is still in the process of getting an annullment. That's when Destiny arrives, wearing pigtails and a doo-rag, and proceeds to dismiss Kristy Joe from her own date and then straddle and make out with Bret. Ewww. Kristy Joe comes back and rightfully pouts a little. Then Daisy, patron saint of trout lips everywhere, arrives in some kind of Princess Leia slave girl bikini top and tries to do what Destiny just did, but for some reason this time Bret won't allow such rudeness and sends her packing. Apparently, in Bret Michael's world, it is OK to interrupt a date with a VIP pass once, but the second time is just being tacky.

Daisy is shattered by her faux pas! Bret comforts Daisy and stares at her boobs!

Elimination time. Every one of the girls wants Kristy Joe to go. But in the end Roxy was punished for her classiness and natural beauty (and let's be real here, her non-whiteness--like Bret is ever going to choose a black girl, HA!) and sent home. The other person sent home? O, I barely have the strength to type these words, but it was...it was...FRENCHIE, aka Angelique! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't believe the producers didn't keep her on longer! What were they thinking? I will miss everything about you, mon amie. Your hideous distended lips, your vaguely mannish mannerisms, your legs splayed for the world to see, your gutter French accent and the way the show "translated" your words phonetically, the fact that you gave your age as 25. THEES EEZ UN CRIME AGAINST 'UMANITEE. You have betrayed my trust, "Rock of Love 2." You have broken my heart. As I sit here, listening to Edith Piaf's La Vie En Rose on a continuous loop, I weep. You have denied us the full-on gyno exam, complete with speculum and stirrups, that was certainly in her future on this show. And that I do not forgive.


FRENCHIE!!!

However, I am excited for the triumphant return of Heather at some point this season.

4 comments:

Jennifer Perkins - Naughty Secretary Club said...

Frenchie scared me, but she was good TV. I am watching some rerun of Beauty and the Geek and one of the blondes from this season of Rock of Love is on here. I need some investigative reporting done. Is this just some hussy that makes the rounds of all VH1 shows and her heart is really not in it for Bret?

Anonymous said...

I LOVE FRENCHIE I MISS HER SHE IS SO ENTERTAINING AND HER ACCANT IS GOLD

Anonymous said...

Bring back Frenchie!!!!!!!!

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