Monday, January 21, 2008

Courtney, We Hardly Knew Ye


(all images via vh1)

"Rock of Love" is still managing to totally ROCK MY WORLD, although last night's episode was perhaps marginally less giddily trashtastic as the premiere...still, I don't know what reality show could maintain that level of insane skank behavior all the time.

**SPOILERS AHEAD, DUDE!**

**WASSA GOIN' ON? DID YOU SEE THE WARNING?**

**IN A WEIRD WAY IS THIS KINDA TURNING YOU ON?**

OK, then. Courtney, who was too drunk to attend last week's elimination ceremony and was thus eliminated by default, woke up to be informed by the other girls of her ignominious ouster. She was sanguine about the situation and said in her exit interview that it's possible she's just a "blackout drunk kinda girl" and if that's not what Bret is into, then so be it. Vaya con dios, Courtney. I feel we were cheated out of great things from you and your propensity for binge drinking and low self-esteem, but such is life, I suppose.

The challenge this week was that the girls had to perform a talent show for Bret Michaels. Much, much fantastic footage of the contestants running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to figure out what talent they posess beyond flashing their boobs (and tragically not realizing this is the only talent that matters)...there were poems written with heart-dotted "i"s, there was interpretive dancing, there was a person whose special skill was wrapping presents, there was the obligatory bad rock singing, there was some really bad rock drumming, there was tying-cherry-stems-with-a-tongue, there was karate chopping. Then when they come in to start the contest, Bret is standing in a home-theater version of a peep show, complete with a booth with a screen that goes up and down. He informs them that they each get 30 seconds to wow him, and if he likes what he sees he will insert a token into the machine so the lady gets 15 additional talent-filled seconds.

Then the hilarity begins. Poem reading? Bleh! Bret no likey! Woman unwrapping herself as a human gift? Yowza! Bret is feelin' it. The high(low)light of the event was superfreak fan favorite Frenchie (aka Angelique)--she of the enormous distended trout lips and indecipherable gutter French accent--who smeared her exposed bazooms with the chocolate mousse she made (sugar-free for diabetic Bret!) and then licked it off herself. Needless to say, Bret put in the token.


"Chocolat," indeed.

The winners were Ambre (whose oddly-spelled version of "Amber" prompted Friend of Felt Up David B. to rhyme it with "hombre," which is how she will be referred to from here on out) and her giftwrapping seminar; Peyton, the unusual and already beloved hybrid of last season's Rodeo and Heather, with her be-doo-ragged terrible terrible rock singing; and hideous monster Daisy, whose "talent" I honestly can't remember. Something musical? Stripping-related? Did she tie her shoe?

Afterwards some of the girls, mainly the remaining VIPs, decide they are so exhausted after all that display of talent that they go to bed early so they will be fresh and rested the next day "for Bret." Well, this is not the Junior League, ladies! You're always supposed to be up for gettin' down! Bret gets all bent out of shape that they pooped out and didn't come downstairs for his impromptu soiree, and he has one of the contestants tell them they are in big trouble and will now have to participate in an "old school dance contest" the next day. Huzzah!

Also, Bret decides that to really get the party started they need some music. I assumed he would put on something festive, perhaps something by Ton Loc, but no. No, Bret whips out his acoustic guitar and throws down..."Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Which, a) he's played the song approximately 10,000 times since the show began and b) it's so not a party jam! Totally brought the room down. Lots of tears around the room. For reals. Tears.

So the winners of the talent peep show go off on their reward date, which was one of those patented Bret Michaels dude-fests--riding ATVs around in the dirt and then eating sandwiches. Freak-a-sleaze Daisy had some kind of dirt smudge on her upper lip that was most unfortunate and made it appear that she was herpin' for certain, which was, of course a delight for the viewers. Ambre, who was almost eliminated last time, got some "alone time" with Bret and they bonded over their shared hobbies of working out, spending time with friends (Bret was all, "I'm with you," like it is soooo amazing that they both like to hang out with their buddies!), and focusing on their "careers." They make out and Bret thinks she is a good kisser. Such a good kisser, in fact, that he says, "There was movement. Serious serious movement." OF HIS PENIS! EEEEEEEEEEEW! GROSS! And, awesome!

In the mean time, the VIPs are panicked and for some reason think that they should make it up to Bret with a giant homemade greeting card. Why they think a sparkly craft project made with Sharpies is going to help their situation, I don't know. Wisely, however, they opt to present him the card while wearing cheap lingerie and sitting in chairs near the front door. When the others get wind of this plan, they, too, put on cheap lingerie and one up the the VIPs by moving their chairs even closer to the door, so that they will be the first thing Bret sees upon entering his fake home. Frenchie is practically part of the doorway when he arrives, so quickly does she fling herself onto him. The VIPs are peeved. The whole chair thing was odd.


Chairgate!

On to the Dance-Off! The girls put on a bunch of even trashier lingerie and have to pull the name of an old-school dance out of a hat. Some of the dances I'd heard of--The Running Man, The Pony, The Moon Walk, etc--but a couple were unknown to me, like The Shopping Cart. It was HI-larious to see these girls attempt the dances--the one who got The Worm couldn't lift her butt off the ground so she just kept pressing her boobs up and down against the floor, which of course Bret was in love with. The only one who knew what she was doing was Roxy, who did an excellent Funky Chicken and won the contest. Some of these ladies should be ashamed of themselves for their lack of dance knowledge. It's not like I expect them to be able to name the members of the U.N. Security Council, and I know they are young(ish), but come on! Any self-respecting cheap slut should know how to pull off a passable Cabbage Patch!


The Assless Worm.

There was some totally made-up drama about Sara, one of the few actual beauties on the show (and we all know Bret has no use for true beauty, only skankmonsters), and her allegedly being there on "a dare" from her friends, to which I say, "who cares?" but in the universe of reality competition dating shows this is supposedly a big hairy deal. She tried to do some explaining but was drowned out by the tall girl whose name I can't remember and don't care much about. Sara called her a "whale."

In the end, the tour ended for Sara, someone unmemorable named Niki, and one Korie (who bears a remarkable resemblance to Patty Hearst in her SLA glory days, but sluttier). Next week: Skanky McNastikins on wheels! And the return of horrible lying liar villainous tacky Hot Topic reject Lacey, who naturellement, is nominally into roller derby!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought Daisy was Herpin' For Certain!

Also: Anytime you want me to show you how to do The Shopping Cart or The Lawnmower, let me know!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Bret did not "paint the window" during the peep show.

Taskmaster

Anonymous said...

If you head over to You Tube, you can see the shopping cart dance done by hippies, frat boys, a school teacher & a bunch of NC teens at a dance party (which would be charming if not for the vomit-inducing camera work).

Also, Taskmaster, you are grossing me out.

Rebekah

Jennifer Perkins - Naughty Secretary Club said...

Have you noticed the girls this season are not so pretty. Also can we talk about the second season of Scott Baio, last season seemed so heart felt and this season feels staged. Do you think Scott Baio is done Hills style or is it real?

jennifer said...

Oh Scott Baio is 46, pregnant, and FAKE. I never saw the first season, but what I've seen of the second season seems Hills-y to the max!