Separated At Mirth?

Behold, Tom Cruise in his new 'do:



And "30 Rock"'s Kenneth the Page:



Discuss.

Stars Can Be Vein

This seems to be the week for scary-looking appendages on female celebs. Today's gross-out pic is of a gnarled crone-like hand:


photo via dlisted.com)


But the truly shocking thing is that this cadaverous claw belongs not to someone in her 40s or 90s but to Ms. Katie "Trapped In The Closet With Tom Cruise" Holmes, who is 28! Ack!

Is she an exercise bulimic like Madonna? Is she on the mourning diet like Angelina Jolie (except instead of a dead mother it's the death of her career, sanity, freedom, self-esteem, and sex life that has sapped her will to eat)? Maybe she's been scraping at the bars of her cage for too long? Perhaps the zap of the e-meter has terrible vein-related side effects? IS SHE ACTUALLY DEAD AND BEING PORTRAYED BY A SCIENTOLOGIST ANIMATRONIC ROBOT WHOSE "VEINS" HAVE YET TO BE PERFECTED?

Victim of The Arms Race

Here's a scary picture of a gross celebrity body part:



Just goes to show you don't need to see a c-section scar in order to feel you're getting too much information about a star's body, huh?

So, whose arm is this, you ask? Well, it could only be one of two people, right? It's either Angelina "You're So Vein" Jolie or Madonna "Exercise Bulimic" Ciccone, but that arm is way too old, tattoo-free, and faux British pasty to be Angelina's.

So, chins up, dear readers! While Madge has the kind of toned physique that us mere mortals can never hope to achieve in a million years spent at non-stop-24-hour-a-day Beach Body Boot Camps, at least we know she has the back forearm of a monster! Doesn't that make you feel better about yourself? Sigh!

It's A Fine Line Between Crazy And Tacky

Heh. This picture of Britney Spears shows her looking so trashy and skeezy that gossip queen Janet Charlton can only come up with one explanation: SHE HAS LOST HER EVER-LOVING MIND:



Janet says:

We hate to say it but Britney Spears seems like she's losing touch with reality. Why else would she go out looking like an off-duty Eastern European stripper? It's not just booze or drugs or tacky fashion - we're afraid she might have serious mental problems. She's lost it and she won't listen to anyone. When you're rich and struggling with possible mental illness and IN DENIAL, what can anyone do? We feel guilty making fun of her because every day it's more apparent that she's hanging by a thread. It's entirely possible that her next stop will be a mental hospital.

I guess if Britney really is a certifiable Anne Heche/Margot Kidder-ish nutjob who ends up carted off to the loony bin because she's gone of her meds, well, I'll feel real bad, ya'll, but right now I think it's hilarious that total batshit insanity is now considered the most likely explanation in some people's minds for her skantastic outfits, when to me it is crystal clear that the girl simply has no taste, no class, and no idea how to flatter herself--which also happen to be the top three reasons I loooove her so much. Don't go changin', Brit! If you suddenly got all fashiony and sophisticated I would have nothing to live for! And for god's sake, stay away from Posh!

You Oughta Know That You Just Gotta Keep Livin', Man

Hmmmm...veddy interesting:



Any thoughts out there on this possible coupling? I have some musings:

1) Is there anyone or anything that hasn't hooked up with Matthew McConaughey?

2) Does Alanis Morissette have a voodoo priestess on staff to whip up love potions to ensare dudes?

3) I bet that red cup has a disease.

Voldemort Finds Romance With Evil Queen!

So P-Hole got out of jail last night--SIGH! But to cheer us all up and help us carry on with our lives, here's a nice lil' tidbit from Page Six;

Ellen Barkin, who was so hot and bothered in "Ocean's Thirteen," might be getting some relief with Ralph Fiennes. Late Sunday night, our spies caught them at the Mercer, "holding hands and cuddling before going up to his room." A week earlier, they had been "full-on making out," also at the hotel. The ex-wife of Ronald Perelman should be aware: Fiennes was warned to take an HIV test after he had unprotected sex with a Qantas stewardess on a flight to India. Reps for both didn't return calls.

First of all, I always get extremely happy when I hear any stories that involve serial sex perv/possible STD carrier/Oedipal-mother-issue-haver Ralph Fiennes. Throw in the fact that it involves a fling with Scariest Actresss Alive/World-Class Ball Buster/Professional Maneater Ellen Barkin and, well, you have the makings of a classic non-news item! This may be one for the books. Way to go Ralph! Just watch out for Ms. Barkin--she will chew you up like so much Sea of Love scenery and spit out a few shreds of pasty English skin fragments when she has finished with the likes of you!

Don't believe me, dear readers? Do you persist in the naive notion that Ellen Barkin is a delighftul cougar who couldn't hurt a fly? Well check out this photo of Ralph Fiennes showing young, innocent Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame what she's like in the sack:



That poor boy is going to be traumatized by life, Ralph! He's going to fear all older blonde women with severe bobs! Speaking of bobs, or actually "pobs," doesn't Ms. Barkin bear a striking resemblance to Posh Spice Plus Twenty Years in the above photo? Makes you think, huh? (Think what, exactly, I'm not sure, but something unpleasant and vaguely frightening!)

This Day Just Keeps Getting Better!

(photo via MSNBC)

P-Hole is not only on her way back to prison, but was dragged kicking and screaming for her mommy as she was dragged out of the court by a scary Caged Heat-style lesbian guard! (I may be embellishing this with my imagination! But only a teensy bit!) A gleeful TMZ.com reports:

Paris Hilton was just ordered back to jail in Lynwood to serve out the remainder of her sentence! She'll get credit for at least 5 days already served.

Hilton left the courtroom in tears, screaming, "Mom, Mom, Mom." Hilton was also heard saying "It's not right."

One witness said that Paris was "physically escorted" out of the courtroom by a female deputy.

Hilton's mother was later seen pacing the hallways, telling reporters, "I'm paralyzed right now." Paris' father Rick is still in the courtroom.

A Sheriff inside the courtroom tells TMZ that officers are taking Hilton straight from the courtroom to Lynwood. No timetable has been set on her departure.

What a totally delightful end to the week! TGIF and TGISPBTPD (Thank God It's Send P-Hole Back To Prison Day)! Even though her enablers are trying to file an appeal, I choose to believe said appeal will be denied because of the public outcry this case has already generated. Now, if we can just get her shipped off to Gitmo for the rest of her her life...

Judge Michael T. Sauer Is The Man Of The Hour

Hee hee! Ha ha! Tra la la! Huzzah! P-Hole Hilton has been dragged back to court in handcuffs! From the Associated Press:

Paris Hilton was ordered to appear in court Friday instead of calling in from home, yet another reversal in her twisted path toward serving time on a probation violation.

The decision by Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer was announced by court spokesman Allan Parachini shortly before the start of a hearing that could put the 26-year-old hotel heiress behind bars again for violating probation in a reckless driving case.

"Judge Sauer has instructed the Sheriff's Department to go to Ms. Hilton's residence, pick her up and bring her here. That is happening now," Parachini told reporters outside the courthouse.

Hilton appeared to be in handcuffs when she was placed into a black-and-white patrol car, which sped away from her home with lights flashing as news helicopters followed.

Early Friday, Parachini announced that Hilton would be allowed to take part in the hearing by telephone. He said he understood that was her attorney's desire and it was not unusual for phones to be used in misdemeanor cases.

Outside the courthouse, people on other business stopped to gawk at news cameras. One of them was Moses Baltazar who was attempting to clear up his own traffic ticket. He said he was no fan of Hilton, noting she once tipped him only a dollar when he worked as a valet, even though he helped keep paparazzi away from her.

He also said there was no excuse for her flouting the law. "Driving like that, you have to behave. If you're rich, you have money, you have to respect yourself," he said, adding he thinks she should be returned to jail.

Moses Baltazar, you speak for an entire nation! Now if the judge can just get her bony, vermin-encrusted ass back in a jail cell, all will be right with the universe once more...

Unfree Paris!

(image via famous ignoramus)

Well, at least somebody in L.A. has a teensy little bit of sense! From TMZ.com:

TMZ has learned that a judge has ordered Paris Hilton back to his Los Angeles courtroom, telling her she must attend tomorrow morning's hearing. She could be sent BACK to the slammer!!

Late today, L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo filed paperwork demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff's Department allowed Paris to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence.

However, there is also a rumor going around that P-Hole will be allowed to literally "phone in" her apppearance before the judge. The douchebaggery continues!

Stay tuned!

No Justice, No Peace!

(image via The WOW Report)

Goddamn stupid Paris Hilton got out of goddamn stupid jail early and is now under goddamn stupid house arrest in her stupid 4,000 square foot home. Froms goddamn stupid CNN:

Paris Hilton was let out of jail Thursday morning, days after she began serving what was to have been a 45-day sentence for violating probation, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department said.

Hilton must wear a monitoring bracelet and remain at her home for another 40 days, said sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore.

Medical considerations "played a part" in the decision to offer Hilton home confinement for the remainder of her sentence, Whitmore said. (Watch Whitmore detail Hilton's deal )

He said privacy rules prohibited him from giving details about the medical issues, but celebrity Web site TMZ.com earlier quoted sources saying Hilton was refusing to eat much of the jail food served her.

Whitmore said that after "extensive consultation with medical personnel" it was decided to offer Hilton "reassignment" to home confinement, which she and her attorneys accepted. (Watch Hilton enter jail )

Part of the deal was that her original sentence of 45 days, which had been reduced to 23 days if she showed good behavior behind bars, would be restored to the full length. Although she reported to the jail just before midnight Sunday and departed in the early hours of Thursday, she was given credit for five days, he said.

AAAAAAAAAAH! Nothing makes me more violent than celebs getting preferential treatment! NOTHING! Do we live in the United States of America, where all men are supposedly created equal? NO! Apparently not! We apparently live in a caste system in which the rich and ridiculous have their own ultra-special rarified tier of "justice" and the rest of us can go f**k ourselves!

If it's true that her "medical condition" is that she didn't eat the goddamned prison food, then it would only be fair to let out every single other non-violent offender who lays off the chow. INMATES OF AMERIKA: STOP EATING RIGHT NOW AND CALL A PUBLICIST!

This is such an outrage I can't even think straight. I am in a total tizzy. I'm having a cow. A cow, I say!

LET'S RIOT IN THE STREETS! Who's with me?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!