Less Celebrity Skin

As you can see in the above picture, Courtney Love has lost a crapload of weight. According to Us Magazine:

The 42-year-old former Hole frontwoman shocked fellow tourists at Maui's Kea Lani Resort this week when she hit the pool in a small string bikini looking surprisingly thinner.

According to a source with Usmagazine.com, Love has lost 45 pounds in four months since she began drinking Isopure diet shakes last December. A source tells Us that she's also been forgoing carbs, eating fish, steamed veggies, and "doing lots of yoga."

"She's feeling like a different person," says the source, who adds that her goal is to lose 55 pounds altogether.

Well, at least she admits to drinking some godawful diet shake in addition to the usual "veggies, fish, yoga" mantra that the publicists shove down our throats whenever their clients lose weight. I just think that at 42 years old, with the damage she's done to her metabolism with drug abuse and yo-yo dieting and being batsh*it crazy, she probably had a little help--in the form of full-body liposuction or a tummy tuck or both. Lasers might have been involved, and possibly NASA.

She does look good, I have to admit--at the very least, her bod draws attention away from her post-facelift trainwreck of a face...

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

I'm pleased to introduce a new feature to Felt Up, a little something I like to call:



Yes, from time to time your humble Felt Up blogette likes to avert her eyes from the fiery Firecrotches and various shaved parts of Britney Spears' anatomy and whatnot and instead cast her gaze on the geekier side of pop culture, a wondrous place where wizardry and magic and fantasy reign supreme! Where elves and gnomes ride unicorns through talking forests on their way to meet faeries who sprinkle pixie dust on enchanted dragons!

For instance, today we have two big stories to nerd out on. First, the Associated Press breathlessly describes the new Harry Potter cover!

The cover of the seventh and final Harry Potter book, ''Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,'' features a dramatic gold-and-orange sky and a teenage boy in eyeglasses reaching upward.

As always, the cover was designed by illustrator Mary GrandPre, U.S. publisher Scholastic Inc. announced Wednesday.

''The structures around Harry show evident destruction and in the shadows behind him, we see outlines of other people,'' David Saylor, Scholastic's art director, said in a statement.

''For the first time, the cover is a wraparound. On the back cover, spidery hands are outstretched toward Harry. Only when the book is opened does one see a powerful image of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, his glowing red eyes peering out from his hood.''

J.K. Rowling's fantasy series has sold more than 325 million copies worldwide. ''Deathly Hallows,'' to be released July 21, has an announced first printing of 12 million in the United States.

EEEK! SO EXCITING! But I have many mixed emotions. What happens when The Deathly Hollows comes out and there are no more Harry Potter books to look forward to? Will little kids and big bloggers everywhere have nothing to live for?

In other nerd news, the US Postal Service unveiled its Star Wars stamp set! I'd been wondering why there were R2D2 mail boxes around town, and now it all makes sense! Sadly, the USPS seems to have taken a teenage boy's junior high art project for their designs, but it's still all pretty exciting...You can go to the US Postal Service Jedi Shipping and Mailing site (yes, that's the actual official US government agency's name) to vote for your favorite stamp; the winner gets its own stamp sheet.

The downside? Stamps are going to 41 cents! Boo, hiss!

Here's the big sheet:



And a few close-ups:











Vote Yoda!

The Slums Of Ames, Iowa

When I first saw this picture of elusive actress/attempted dog molester/drug fiend Natasha Lyonne on The WOW Report--



--I thought for a split second that it was actually Ames, Iowa superstar Leslie Hall, The Gem Sweater Lady, without her trademark glasses or gold pants:



I think it's the jaunty, slightly aggro tilt of Natasha's head and her lack of smile that made me confused, but then I've also had Leslie Hall on the brain lately, because a) I'm mildly obsessed with her web page, and b)her band Leslie and The LYs is coming to Austin to play Trophy's on April 30! Friend of Felt Up TrAngela is already planning her be-gold-panted tribute, and I'm scouring the thrifts for the best/worst jewel sweater I can find...I CAN'T WAIT!

Salman Told To Pack His Knives And Go?

Gawker posted a report today from The New York Observer that says there might be trouble in paradise for Salman Rushdie and "Top Chef"' hostess Padma Lakshmi--and the source of the rumor is none other than designer Diane von Furstenberg!

Late last week, a source overheard designer Diane von Furstenberg obsessing over the news that the luscious Ms. Lakshmi, 36, was set to drop the 59-year-old novelist, her husband of three years, like a heavy sack of unread best-sellers.

“I can’t believe she’s leaving him,” Ms. von Furstenberg kept saying, according to the source. The wrap-dress queen is a longtime friend of the couple and attended their wedding in April 2004, along with editor Tina Brown, comedian Steve Martin and assorted other famous guests.

Most troubling to Ms. von Furstenberg, apparently, was Ms. Lakshmi’s stated and not exactly literary reason for putting an end to the relationship with the Booker Prize winner: to focus on her big Bravo hit, Top Chef.

Well, I just bet that this aspect of the alleged break-up is troubling to Salman Rushdie, too, Diane, because he probably thinks that if he can continue to write smarty-pants literature while there's a fatwa on his head, then his wife should be able to juggle all her important Top Chef duties--such as picking out which bikini to wear and memorizing complicated lines like "You'll have 30 minutes in the Kenmore Kitchen and access to everything in our pantry to complete your dish"--while maintaining their marriage.

Stay tuned for more details!

Mystery Identity Revealed!

There were many wonderful guesses as to the identity of our Mystery Person--from Omarossa and D'Angelo to Queen Latifah and Biggie Smalls--but no one was able to figure out our zaftig "Who IS This?" celeb, so here's the answer:





Yes, it's ole P. Diddy AKA Puff Daddy AKA Sean Combs AKA Fudge'ems. What's odd is that his head is so tiny in comparison with the rest of his body--he looks like the shrunken-headed explorer guy from the afterlife waiting room in "Beetlejuice."

I try to never cast aspersions about anyone's weight (glass houses, etc.), but let's just say the name Puffy has never seemed so apropos. Plus he's loathesome, and men are never held to the same standard of perfection as women in the entertainment industry, so ha ha ha HA! Fatty Fatty Fat Fat FATTY!

Time To Play Another Round Of...

This photo has been floating around the gossip sites on the interwebs today, and it is either the single most unflattering picture ever taken since Kirstie Alley went on Jenny Craig or this person has gained 500 pounds seemingly overnight. So...who IS this?



Hint: It's not Star Jones before she had gastric bypass surgery--sorry, before she went on "an emotional, physical, and spiritual 'journey.'"

Leave your guesses in the comments box!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

A MySpace Friend of Felt Up just posted this horrifying bulletin:

I regret to inform you all that Campus Ladies has been cancelled. It was the only TV show I watched with any degree of regularity, I absolutely loved the cast, the writing, and everything else about it, and I'm super depressed about it being pulled. Most importantly, though, I'm PISSED THE F**K OFF!!!!!! I'm writing Oxygen the nastiest email I can bring myself to write, and I encourage all fans of the show to do the same. Here's Oxygen's "TV feedback" email address:

feedback@oxygen.com

Let 'er rip, boys and girls!

I'm with my cyberfriend on this one: PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD AND E-MAIL OXYGEN TO GET MY BELOVED 'CAMPUS LADIES' BACK ON THE AIR!

I'll do my part: The Bed-In starts now!

The Best of Times, The Wearstler Of Times

Anyone who watches Bravo's "Top Design" is probably familiar with the following Five Stages of Reality TV Grief:

1) DENIAL: "This can't be happening to me. How could a show featuring Todd Oldham and Jonathan Adler be so lame and boring?"

2) ANGER: "How dare you do this to me, Bravo? I'm never watching another reality contest on your network ever again, bastards!"

3. BARGAINING: "Just let me get five seconds of enjoyment from this show and maybe I'll watch the new season of 'Workout.' MAYBE."

4. DEPRESSION: "I'm so sad, why bother? Perhaps I'll watch 'Lost' tonight instead!.....Oh, riiiiight. I forgot. Sigh..."

5. ACCEPTANCE: "What else do I have to do on a Wednesday night?"

But there is one glimmer of light in the dark night of our souls that is "Top Design," and that is the wee gleam of craziness in the eye of judge Kelly Werstler, who each week manages to outdo herself with the most insane hairdo and clothing choices this side of Bjork Goes To Wigstock. She's already been fugged on Go Fug Yourself for last week's 1980s-prom-gown-over-t-shirt-and-jeans-combo, and of course there was the whole When Crimping Irons Attack episode, and so on and so forth. But last night she really, really outdid herself:



Behold all the different time periods and styles she incorporates! Marvel that below the 17th century head of ginormous hair we find a Victorian mourning frock freshly stolen from Gary Oldman's wampyre costume collection in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Gasp in fright as we move on down to the '80s cinch belt and some sort of grey checkered skirt and high heels (Christian Laboutin?)

THE WOMAN IS AMAZING. If she's just trying to get attention, it's working! I can't get enough of her nutty nutjobbery! Look how weird she looks in between Jonathan Adler and the lady from Elle Decor! What are they thinking when she arrives on the set in her insane costume du jour?

Take a look at her from a different part of the show:



Guest judge Tom Colicchio is doing his best to look down and take notes and not look over at Her Royal Wackiness, else he might have a giggle fit right in her face. Doesn't she look like she wandered in from the set of some Marilyn Manson-produced remake of The Three Musketeers?

What makes her outlandishness even odder is the contrast between her sartorial splendiferousness and her flat, dead personality. She never smiles or laughs and has a habit of staring blankly at the other judges when she doesn't agree with them, which is all the time. She's like a robot--a robot that Patricia Field dressed while off her meds and/or drunk.

I really can't wait to see what she's got up her giant pouffy sleeve for next week...

Guilty Of Loving His Wigs

Jury selection started today for the Phil Spector murder trial in L.A., and Phil decided to dump that enormous grey afro that was so widely admired and instead went for this exciting new 'do:



I can't figure out whose hair this reminds me of...Tony Tenille of The Captain and Tenille? Barry Manilow? Julie the Cruise Director from "The Love Boat"? Clay Aiken?

Hmmm...

Dunst Trying To Earn Her Rocker Street Cred For New Cisco Adler-style Boyfriend?

Friend of Felt Up Thomas (aka "The Kid") posted this video he took at The Stooges SXSW show here in Austin on Saturday--and lo and behold, there's Ms. Kirsten Dunst up on stage with a bunch of other people during the totally and completely awesome "No Fun" encore free-for-all.

Your humble Felt Up blogette was too entranced by the sight of local punky man-about-town/bon vivant Johnny Walker living out his wildest fantasies by having the mic handed to him by Iggy Pop (Johnny is the blonde guy in a long-sleeve yellow t-shirt tucked in to make a halter top) to notice Kiki, but she's clearly visible at the end of the footage over on the far right in her usual saggy ragamuffiny white top, long stringy hair, and wan expression.

(Warning: The audio is highly NSFW because of Iggy's lovable trademark salutations--to the "c**ksucker" lighting guy, us "f**kers" the audience, etc. Ah, bless his heart...Austin misses you already, Iggy!)




Good times!

It's Time To Play...

This lovely photo popped up on the ole Interweb today and I thought it might make a good mystery famous person. So, loyal Felt Uppers--who IS this?




Here's a hint: It's not Imelda Marcos!

Leave guesses in the comments box--and no cheating! If you saw this someplace else, please leave helpful hints only!

Say It Ain't So, Cee-Lo!

No, really. For the love of God, say it ain't so.

(For the record, I'm not entirely sure the dude's stomach looks convincingly Cee-Lo-ish...)

South By SoVeryTired

Your humble Felt Up blogette has been officially tuckered out by SXSW 2007 and may be compelled to take to her bed for the forseeable future. But there were some celeb sightings of note, huzzah!

First up, the crowd at Stubb's for the Saturday night showcase headlined by The Stooges was talking about three things: 1) Iggy Pop's private area and how much anyone was able to see of it while his pants fell down in classic Iggy style (Friend of Felt Up Tanya B. saw more of it than anyone else in our group!); 2) what in the hell Dennis Miller was doing there, and 3) what in the hell Kirsten Dunst was doing there.

The Dennis Miller mystery remains unsolved, but now we know why Kiki was at the show--it was to see The Kings of Leon with her new rocker boyfriend. From Victoria Newton's "Bizarre" gossip column in the UK tabloid The Sun:

RAZORLIGHT star JOHNNY BORRELL has pulled Hollywood beauty KIRSTEN DUNST, I can exclusively reveal.

The indie singer has spent the last week working his charms on the stunning actress after she showed up at Razorlight’s gig in LA last Friday.

And last night the couple were in each other’s arms snogging as they watched a gig at the South By South West Music Festival in Texas...

A source said: “Kirsten has fallen head over heels for Johnny. She met the band last week and immediately hit it off with him.

“They have been on the phone ever since and getting on like a house on fire. She flew all the way from LA to be in Texas with Johnny. It’s the real deal – they’re a proper item.”

Johnny hired a Harley Davidson to tear around the West Coast, and he roared up at the KINGS OF LEON gig at SxSW last night in true rock star style – with Spider-Man beauty Kirsten straddling the bike behind him.

An onlooker said: “They were snogging at the side of the stage. He was wearing an oversized leather jacket and playing air guitar and air drums.

“She was fluttering her eyelashes at him like a smitten teenager.”

The relationship could cause fireworks on both sides of the Atlantic.

Johnny has a long-term girlfriend and Kirsten is rumoured to be in a relationship too.

I'm assuming the "onlooker" mentioned above was a Brit, because who else would say they were "snogging"? Later, the same spy insisted the couple buggered off to a posh hotel to shag and smoke fags while wearing only vests and pants...

I love that this guy was doing air guitar and air drums. Totally kewl, man!

There were no Hobbit sightings like last year, when your humble Felt Up blogette bellied up to the bar at Emo's next to wee Elijah Wood, but several Friends of Felt Up reported run-ins with blogger Perez Hilton, and there were rumours of Lindsay Lohan sightings, plus I saw Jello Biafra from The Dead Kennedys approximately every five seconds. I thought I saw "Six Feet Under"'s Jeremy Sisto at the Stax showcase at Antone's, but I couldn't be 100% positive, which means it probably wasn't him, because in my experience, when you see a genuine celeb you somehow know it. However, I was on a post-Booker T. and The MGs high, so my mind was not at its sharpest...

Any other SXSW '07 celeb sightings? Send 'em in, no matter how lame or unexciting!

Now I have to go soak my feet in an "Alice"-style hot water tub. Next year, I'm renting myself a Rascal!

I'm in a hurry today, people, so here's are a few crudites to tide you over until I can prepare a wholesome non-news snack later on, and eventually a full, albeit nutrition-deficient meal:

LiLo tries to make sure that there's always one Lohan in jail at any given time, but forgets that famous people can get away with anything, while the lowly relatives of famous people cannot.

Tori Spelling finally has her baby and it's a boy with a predictable middle name.

And Britney Spears is totally looking for love in all the wrong places.

South By Southwest starts today! Look out, A-town--somewhere out there Friends of Felt Up Stevie M. and Ericka B. are getting diz-runk!

Kralling On All Fours

There's a story going around the Interweb today about an old photo that has surfaced of one-legged PETA spokeswoman/soon-to-be-the-ex-Mrs.-Paul-McCartney/possible former high-end hooker Heather Mills wearing fur:

Photographs of SIR PAUL McCARTNEY's estranged wife HEATHER MILLS wearing a mink coat have been published by a British newspaper.

Mills, an enthusiastic anti-fur campaigner, is a vocal supporter of animal rights group People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) but was reportedly dropped by the organisation last month (FEB07).

Stills from the video footage - filmed in 1989 at a friend's wedding - printed in the Daily Mirror show Mills sporting a mink coat made from up to 40 of the animals, according to a British Fur Trade expert.

Last year (06), Mills branded British supermodel and former PETA supporter NAOMI CAMPBELL "shallow and hypocritical" for wearing fur.

Which, you know, is pretty funny. But what's even funnier (at least to me) is this next bit:

Mills' sister-in-law DIANA KRALL says, "She really loved that coat. When I see her anti-fur campaigns now, I always chuckle.

"It's laughable that she's called so many celebrities hypocrites. She's styled herself an anti-fur campaigner but was proud to be in her mum's mink."

Why does this tickle my funny bone? Well, when I first read the above I thought to myself, "Hmmmm...Diana Krall is a pretty Canadian jazz singer and pianist married to pale cranky British singer-songwriter Elvis Costello...so that would mean that either Elvis Costello and Heather Mills are siblings or that Elvis Costello and Paul McCartney are brothers!"

So I looked it up on the ole internets and I think the original article was confusing Diana Krall with Dianna Karmal, who is the sister of Heather Mills' first husband, Alfie Karmal. But this story has spread all over the place really quickly, as is what usually happens on the web.

Somewhere poor Diana Krall, who just had twins recently, is wondering why in the name of sweet, tiny baby Jesus in the mangershe is being hounded by the press asking about Heather Mills' mother's fur coat.

I THOUGHT That Last Collection Looked A Little Weird...

Breaking news from Women's Wear Daily! (If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.):

Marc Jacobs has checked himself into rehab.

After seven years of sobriety, the designer relapsed recently and decided to undergo a second round of in-patient rehabilitation for drug and alcohol abuse. The day after showing his Louis Vuitton collection in Paris, Jacobs, who has publicly acknowledged substance abuse problems in the past, left the French capital and flew to a treatment facility in Arizona.

Reached for comment earlier today Jacobs’ business partner Robert Duffy confirmed the rumor that had started to circulate around New York. “Marc made the right decision,” Duffy said. “He’d been sober for seven years. When he relapsed, he wanted to deal with it right away.

“According to the experts, such a relapse isn’t uncommon,” Duffy continued. “Thankfully, Marc recognized the problem himself and chose to deal with it. Obviously, our prayers are with him.”

Comic Richard Jeni Is Apparent Suicide

The Associated Press reports that comedian Richard Jeni is dead after apparently shooting himself:

Richard Jeni, a standup comedian who played to sold-out crowds, was a regular on the "Tonight Show" and appeared in movies, died of a gunshot wound in an apparent suicide, police said Sunday.

Police found the 45-year-old comedian alive but gravely injured in a West Hollywood home when they responded to a call Saturday morning from Jeni's girlfriend, Los Angeles Police Officer Norma Eisenman said.

Eisenman said the caller told police: "My boyfriend shot himself in the face."

Jeni died at a nearby hospital.

Eisenman said suicide had not been officially confirmed and the investigation was continuing.

Jeni regularly toured the country with a standup act and had starred in several HBO comedy specials, most recently "A Big Steaming Pile of Me" during the 2005-06 season.

Another HBO special, "Platypus Man," won a Cable ACE award for best standup comedy special, and formed the basis for his UPN sitcom of the same name, which ran for one season.

Jeni's movie credits included "The Mask," in which he played Jim Carrey's best friend, "The Aristocrats," "National Lampoon's Dad's Week Off," and "An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn."

Very sad news....Richard Jeni was one of those comedians who always seemed to be around--for roasts, Comedy Central specials, talk shows, etc.--without ever becoming a big star.

So many comics seem to have a very dark side--tears of a clown and so on--that it almost seems to be a prerequisite for the job...

Anna Nicole Smith Loved Red Meat

Marshall Black Deer Soto.

Yes, the headline is in poor taste. I KNOW. But both Gawker and its sister site Defamer have been urging readers to check out a fabulous new angle to the Anna Nicole Smith Death Circus by posting excerpts from The Phoenix NewTimes' interview with a Native American from the Tohono O'oodham reservation in Arizona named Johnny Soto who claims his son Marshall Black Deer Soto is Anna Nicole's love baby, and just like Anna Nicole, I couldn't help myself.

Here are some more choice bits from the piece, which really must be read in its entirety, because it's just that awesome:

"At first, it was all in fun," Soto details. "She'd call my you-know-what her 'tomahawk,' her 'wooden Indian,' or 'big wampum.' Sometimes she'd ask me to do a war dance naked with this feather from one of her dresses stuck in my baseball cap. I tried to tell her that the Tohono O'odham don't wear feathers, but she didn't care. She thought it was funny, and it turned her on, so I did it, though I have no idea if our people even have a war dance."

Smith gushed that she found him so exciting in bed, partly because what they were doing was taboo. Being from the South, race-mixing was a no-no for a white woman, but Smith secretly craved crossing the color barrier. She told Soto that sleeping with him was "almost like sleeping with a black man." She loved his skin color and the smell of his sweat, which she claimed tasted different from a white man's.

"Sometimes I felt like I was being used, and it left a bad taste in my mouth," says Soto. "But I was just as guilty as she was. The only whites I'd ever had sex with were prostitutes, and I couldn't get enough of Anna Nicole. I fell under her spell. I did whatever she asked."

That meant enduring Anna Nicole's singing the un-PC Disney song, "What Made the Red Man Red," from Peter Pan, as they took a bubble bath together. Or complying with her insistence that he perform an "Injun yell," as she called it, when he climaxed.

Oh, but the extra-special luvtalk doesn't end there. After Anna Nicole allegedly got pregnant and had little Marshall, Soto took custody and Anna Nicole sent notes and letters detailing her anguish at being separated from her lover and son:

One reads, "Oh, my brave Injun-man, how I long to be with you and feel your red manhood. Look after my little paapoosie [sic], and soon I'll be your squaw again. I love you, kemosabe, Anna.

Sometimes Anna Nicole would visit her "other family" at the reservation, and a special time was had by all:

"I remember, one time she met us close to Christmas and gave us presents while Stern played slots in the Casino," Soto recalls. "She gave Marshall an Indian play doll, with a teepee and a horse. That was okay. But then she gave me an old Cher CD. Remember that one from the '70s, Half-Breed? She said it was one of her favorite songs, and could I play it for Marshall. I kept thinking, 'How dumb is this woman?'

Well, Johnny, I have to wait until all the facts are in, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say: Pretty damn dumb. And yet, there was a kind of genius to Anna Nicole...This much we know for sure: There will never be another squaw like her.


Johnny Soto, Anna Nicole's "Brave Injun-man."

I really can't stress enough how great the full article is. Go right now and read it in all its glory. Also, I think it may actually be true...

Travelin' Blues

The Associated Press is reporting that Blues Traveler's all-harmonica-all-the-time frontman John "Former Fattie" Popper was arrested in Washington state for wreckless driving and possession of marijuana--but it was what was found inside his car that is really interesting:

Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper was arrested after the vehicle he was riding in was clocked going 111 mph, the Washington State Patrol said Wednesday.

Popper, 39, was arrested Tuesday afternoon on Interstate 90 near the Spokane/Lincoln county line, the Washington State Patrol said.

Inside the black Mercedes SUV, officers found a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana, the Patrol said. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles. The vehicle was seized.

Popper, who lives in Snohomish, Wash., is the owner of the vehicle, which was being driven by Brian Gourgeois, 34, of Austin, Texas, said state patrol Trooper Jeff Sevigney. The vehicle also had flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a public address system, the Patrol said.

"Popper indicated to troopers that he had installed these items in his vehicle because (in the event of a natural disaster) he didn't want to be left behind," the Patrol said in a news release. He also told officers he collected weapons, the Patrol said.

The two men were booked administratively into the Adams County jail and released on their own recognizance. Authorities plan to charge them with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. Gourgeois will also face a charge of reckless driving, the Patrol said.

From this article, it totally sounds like Popper did not have any weapons charges brought against him--is it legal to carry multiple rifles, handguns, a switchblade, Taser and night vision goggles in secret compartments in your car in the state of Washington? I thought that was only in Texas!

Speaking of Texas--shout out to Brian Gourgeois from Felt Up HQ's own Austin for driving John Popper's Mobile Nightstalker Vehicle 111 miles an hour! Whoo-ee! We're real proud of our boy Brian. Keep up the good work, son!

Seriously, though: What in the hell is John Popper up to? I don't buy the survivalist theory he told the cop and those night vision goggles totally creep me out. Is John Popper hunting humans? Does he enjoy chasing a homeless man who looks like Ice-T through the woods on a an island off the coast of Washington for sport? Or are he and Brian Gourgeois the Henry Lee Lucas and Ottis Toole of bad harmonica jam bands? Is John Popper taking a page from Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs and bringing chubby girls to his secret lair to make a skin harmonica vest?

What is going on?

Fiennes' All-Nude Bruges Revue

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in a feverish e-mail about this and no wonder! Apparently Ralph Fiennes is either a) a sex fiend, b) in the midst of a prolonged midlife crisis/meltdown, c) a randy middle-aged British thespian, or d) all of the above. The latest scandale, as reported by SF Gate:

English actor Ralph Fiennes incurred the wrath of a hotel boss after he reportedly frolicked naked in a swimming pool with four women in Belgium.

British newspaper The Sun reports star, 44, and his female companions disturbed guests at the Hotel Tuilerieen in Bruges.

Hotel manager Patricia Homble says, "I wasn't happy about it."

Fiennes is currently in the stunning city filming the comedy "In Bruges," which also stars Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson.

Last month, Qantas flight attendant Lisa Robertson was fired from the airline after she admitted she had sex with the actor in a bathroom during a flight in January.

Yowza! AND HE'S WORKING WITH COLIN FARRELL! God only knows what sexual shennanigans those two will get into! The mind reels! Unless their unbridled sexual energy repels each other, like two magnets...then they might have to get into some kind of English/Irish bloodmatch--perhaps ending in nude wrestling a la Alan Bates and Oliver Reed in Women In Love...yep, that's probably what will happen.

While we're on the topic of Ralph Fiennes, why is it that he has never looked as good as he did in Schindler's List? Is it because he was beefier and a Nazi? Am I the only one who thinks this?

Why Are All The Hot Dudes Nutty Nutballs?

Hmmmm...Terrence Howard is defending his relationship with Naomi Campbell as being less like a romance and more like a caretakership--he claims he's sort of the Richard Milstein to Naomi's Dannielynn, and apparently Quincy Jones is Judge Seidlin. Or something. Well, that's what I claim he's saying it's like, anyway. From EURweb.com:

While promoting his upcoming film “Pride” in Beverly Hills last week, actor Terrence Howard was asked to address recent rumors surrounding his relationship with troubled model Naomi Campbell, Black Talent News publisher Tanya Kersey told EUR.

“Can you confirm that you are dating Naomi Campbell?” a reporter asked.

“I’m a married man,” Howard responded. “Quincy Jones did ask me to look after her and to talk to her. The same way Mr. Richard Parsons [African-American Chairman and CEO of TimeWarner] called me into his office and said, ‘Mr. Howard, I don’t know anything about your personal life, but your public persona is on par with Sen. Barack and so I want you to talk to Quincy.’

“And so I called Quincy and Quincy had dinner with me and introduced me to Naomi, and that’s what I’m doing. As a human being, as a friend, that’s what we’re supposed to do. The media may attack me but my responsibility is to this black woman who has established something amazing and has opened doors to so many others. My responsibility is to my elders and I’m going to listen to them.

“I’m going to keep my friendship with her. And hopefully one day people will look at her for her contributions and stop looking at her for her faults. That’s my hope.

Ah, yes, the many contributions of Naomi Campbell to the cause! Being the second black supermodel (the first was Beverly Johnson)! Making it safe for unbelievably gorgeous Amazonian perfect-bodied black women to make outrageous sums of money! Being a trailblazer in the field of using cell phones as weapons against underlings, peons, lackeys, and assistants! Making bitchitude a career! Yes, Naomi Campbell has done many things to further the struggle of the Everywoman of Color. She is a beacon of hope, like Coretta Scott King or Rosa Parks. You're so right, Terrence! Please just don't be boinking her...

Sometimes I'm Proud To Be A Texan

Tee-hee! From The El Paso Times:

Actor-musician Jared Leto, lead singer of the rock band 30 Seconds To Mars, suffered a broken nose and other injuries during a concert Thursday at the El Paso County Coliseum.

Brian Kennedy, who operates the Coliseum, said Leto received the injuries after he ran out into the crowd past security guards. Kennedy said Leto seemed to take his injuries in stride and spent 45 minutes after the concert signing autographs. "He said it was one of his best shows."

Is there anything better than a douche-y eye-makeup-wearing "actor-musician" in a faux emo band getting pummelled in the face by his "fans" the millisecond he sets one toe amongst the crowd at his own concert? Viva El Paso! Viva! Viva! Ay-ay-aaaayiii!

Spare Us The Cutter

I was watching "Intervention" last night (as is my wont), when I noticed that the sluttily-dressed young lass addicted to "cutting" was living it up in Felt Up HQ's own Austin, Texas! Yes, it was quite thrilling to see this girl--dressed in a leopard print bra and exposed garter/corset--being called a "ho" by a passerby while she leaned on a lamp post on Sixth Street. (However, it was sad that The Ho Incident led her straight home to her razor blade to cut her stomach so she could "just see blood.") Go A-town! Then I got sidetracked watching "Good Will Hunting" on TNT for the 8,000th time. (DON'T JUDGE ME! You're not my father!) Has anyone seen this episode? Can someone please tell me what happened to her?

Time Once More For...

This blind item comes from Janet Charlton, whose "Hollywood Whodunit" tells us:

This good looking leading man from an acting family - who often plays '"the boyfriend" in movies - has a secret drug problem. He's always seemed clean cut and the last one you'd suspect. Around six months ago he tried heroin and he LOVED it. Now he's a slave to the substance and his family is worried sick. This actor used to be very visible and social - dating some of Hollywood's prettiest women. Now all he cares about is getting high. His brother is terrified and the family is scheming to get him into rehab before it's too late.

Hmmmm...Now I don't wat a lawsuit, so I won't name real names, but this sounds like it could be one of the acting brothers whose last name rhymes with Smilson. I'm thinking the one whose name sounds like Puke, but it could be Rowan. I hope it's not, though! I love Puke Smilson! (Although I have to say he's been getting awfully puffy-faced. He looks like he's been floating face down in a pool for a week.) Any other ideas or semi-funny rhyming names? Leave 'em in the comments box, s'il vous plait!

Anna Nicole Smith Still Dead

The Associated Press has an in-depth look at the Anna Nicole Smith funeral currently underway in the Bahamas:

A white hearse carrying Anna Nicole Smith's body rolled Friday toward a Bahamian church where the former Playboy Playmate and reality TV star, dressed in a beaded designer gown and tiara, was mourned before being laid to rest.

Hundreds of islanders and tourists crowded behind steel barricades, guarded by police as guests began arriving in stretch limousines. Some of the participants gushed at the sight of the white-columned Mount Horeb Baptist Church, whose pews were festooned with pink roses.

''It's beautiful, just beautiful,'' said Sheryl Rolle, 46, a choir member who wore a black dress and matching hat for the occasion...

A private plane carrying Smith's body left Florida early Friday after authorities escorted a black hearse to Miami International Airport, with news helicopters tracking the procession from the medical examiner's office in Fort Lauderdale.

The church ceremony was closed to all but 300 guests and camera crews from Entertainment Tonight. A smaller group was planned for the burial later Friday at Lakeview Memorial Gardens, said Richard Milstein, the court-appointed advocate for Smith's baby daughter, Dannielynn...

Smith will be buried in a tiara and custom-made, beaded gown next to her son, said Patrik Simpson of Beverly Hills, Calif., who helped organize the memorial.

Simpson's partner, Pol Atteu, has designed more than a dozen gowns for Smith, including the one in which she is to be buried in a ''very elegant'' casket, he said. Simpson declined to describe the dress, but said Wednesday the ceremony will reflect Smith's buoyant personality.

''It will be a very beautiful, Anna Nicole send-off,'' he said. ''Of course it will be over the top because it's Anna Nicole.''

Arthur, boyfriend Howard K. Stern and ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead were each allowed to have 100 guests at memorial service, he said, and about 30 people are on the guest list for the burial.

I loooooooove that it was only close friends, family, and a camera crew for "Entertainment Tonight." Anna Nicole would've been so pleased! She might not have been so tickled about this aspect of her funeral, however:

Dr. Joshua Perper, the Broward medical examiner, said...embalmers would have to take another look at the body to make sure it would be suitable for a viewing. He had told [crazy Judge Larry] Seidlin during the hearing that she was decomposing.

[Howard K.]Stern, [mother Virgie] Arthur and others have already viewed the body at Perper's office, and Simpson said the casket would likely be closed during the ceremony.

Yikes! Although I must note that James Brown was just laid to rest, like, last week or something insane, so I guess this whole wrangling-for-months-over-decaying-corpses thing might become a trend with certain dead celebs from now on. Wacky! And gross!

This article also says that Virgie Arthur wants to have the body exhumed and brought to Texas. Way to let your daughter rest in peace, lady! Super classy!

Mrs. Nas If You're Nasty

Kelis--whose song "Milkshake" is held in fond regard by your humble Felt Up blogette--went on some kind of anti-hooker rampage that led to her arrest. From TMZ.com:

Singer Kelis was arrested early Friday morning in Miami Beach after screaming racial obscenities at two female police officers who were posing as prostitutes.

The officers were working an undercover operation in South Beach, when cops say Kelis started screaming racial slurs at the women. She continued screaming and rushed toward them, and had to be restrained by friends, a police report said. According to the report, Kelis' "actions caused people walking by to stop and form a crowd. The sidewalk was blocked by the disturbance, causing people to walk in the street and causing traffic to stop."

Kelis, the wife of rapper Nas, was charged with two misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and for resisting arrest.

A rep for Kelis had no comment.

I wonder what this is all about. Does Kellis make a habit of screaming racial epithets at streetwalkers and this is just the first time she happened to attack undercover cops? If so, why? I also can't help but wonder what race these women were--if they were black, was she incensed on behalf of black female empowerment that they were debasing themselves? Does this have something to do with her husband, Nas, having a hooker addiction problem? Or is Kelis just a nutty nutty nutball?

I have a lot of questions today, and I have a feeling I won't be getting any answers. Sleepless nights await your humble Felt Up blogette, I fear. SLEEPLESS NIGHTS spent tossing and turning and worrying about Angelina Jolie's adoption-mania and Kelis' anti-hooker belief system! THIS IS MY LOT IN LIFE, PEOPLE!

On the upside, here's Kelis' mugshot:



I'm kind of disappointed she looks so composed and ladylike and pink. I was hoping she'd be all smeary and dishevelled and have a partially torn-off wig stuck on her head and the giant clear plastic platform heel of a prostitute's shoe clutched in her fist and maybe some hooker glitter rubbed off on her face. Sigh...

Shiloh Just Moved Down Another Notch In The Pecking Order

Whoo boy, let the media frenzy begin--Angelina Jolie is adopting another baby. The Associated Press reports:

Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese child, the country's top adoption official said Friday.

A U.S. adoption agency representing the 31-year-old actress filed the papers at Vietnam's International Adoption Agency, said Vu Duc Long, the agency's director.

"She just filed the papers this week," Long said.

Jolie and her partner, Brad Pitt, have three children: 5-year-old son Maddox, adopted from Cambodia; 2-year-old daughter Zahara, adopted from Ethiopia; and another daughter, Shiloh, who was born to the couple in May.

Long would not name the U.S. adoption agency working with Jolie, who applied to adopt as a single parent

.Odd that Brad isn't listed on the adoption papers. This whole thing raises a lot of questions: Is Angelina on some kind of post-mother's-death adoption tear? Does Brad even know about this? Does this mean she loves Maddox the most because she got him another southeast Asian sibling? And most importantly, just how much baby and toddler porn are we going to have to endure over the next few weeks and months and possibly years because of this lady?

It's A Shambles, Baby!

I've kind of been ignoring the whole convoluted Kate Moss/Pete Doherty spectacle for a while due to over-exposure-induced boredom, but this little update tickled my fancy. The London Daily Mail reports that Pete recently moved into Kate's flat, and hilarity ensued:

The Babyshambles front man removed a bizarre range of items from Kate Moss's Range Rover to take into her north London home including a banjo, a babyseat, gold records and assorted coats and clothing.

Pete did his best to juggle all the items in trademark chaotic style and in fact some of the waiting photographers helped him carry the articles indoors.

As a reward for their help Doherty even serenaded the snappers with a brief rendition on the banjo once he had reemerged from the house ... minus his shirt.

OOOOH! I've got a great idea! There could be an awesome "Odd Couple"-esque reality show called "Living In Shambles," with Kate as the Felix Ungar to Pete's Oscar Madison. Just think of the comic possibilities: Kate on a street corner picking up a discarded syringe with the tip of her umbrella; Kate running around with air deodorizer behind Pete's trail of crack, weed, cigarette, cigar, and opium smoke; Kate trying to vacuum up cocaine dust left strewn about the floor--with her nose; Kate trying to use Pledge on Pete's vomit-covered banjo; etc etc.

Unfortunately, Kate doesn't really seem the neatnik type, does she?