Bravo Is Dead! Long Live Bravo!

Soooooooooo, it would seem that Food & Wine's "spoiler-not-a-spoiler" debacle was actually an honest-to-god spoiler, for lo and behold, 24-year-old douchey all-Spanish-food-all-the-time contestant Ilan is indeed the winner of this season's Special Clusterf**k Season of "Top Chef." Yadda yadda yadda. Since both of the final two were beneath contempt (Ilan had the gall to criticize last year's winner and America's sweeety sweetheart Harold for being too "boring", while Marcel was a sore loser who kept making cracks abut Ilan's "paprika"), it was hard to care who won, although I had a slight, but faint, wish that Marcel would win just to piss everyone on the show off and to prove that wanna-be white rapper avant-garde gastronomiques with hobbit hairdos, intensely dweebish persnonality flaws, and the propensity to say "surf's up, bra" sometimes actually win. But as Marcel himself would say, really, whatever, dude.

On the upside, the premiere of "Top Design" was a total hoot! Although the actual designs were kind of boring and far too "tasteful" to be any fun (I was really hoping for some over-the-top wacky 1960s-shagadelic-spaceship-meets-Cher's-house-type craziness), the contestants are a delightfully arrogant bunch of egomaniacal gay-to-gayest gay guys and beyotchy beyotches (with a couple of de rigeur sadsacks and freaks thrown in for good measure), everyone's favorite designer Todd Oldham is as sweet and cute as ever (albeit he's a teensy bit too orange-toned and has developed an even odder speaking cadence than he had way back when on MTV's "House of Style"); Jonathan Adler is going to exceed my already-high expectations for a) great taste and b) great quotable quotes; and the show had the genius to have Alexis "Eva Destruction" Arquette as the show's first extra-special guest judge! Plus the contestants get quite a lot of time and money to throw around--the teams on this episode got their own personal carpenters, two whole days, and $50,000 to design a "relaxing retreat" out of empty white rooms in L.A.'s Pacific Design Center.

This show really surpassed my expectations, and after the fiasco that was season two of "Top Chef," Bravo had to do a lot to win my affections (if not my eternal viewing, since apparently I will watch the crappiest reality shows known to man if Bravo airs them because I AM TOTALLY BRAVO'S BITCH. Hello, season two of sucktastic "Workout"! I'm so there!), and they succeeded.

Bravo, Bravo! Bravo!

WARNDING! HOMELAND RETARDATION ALERT RAISED TO SEVERE!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any dumber in this great nation of ours, here comes this chilling story from CNN:

BOSTON, Massachusetts-- Electronic light boards featuring an adult-cartoon character triggered bomb scares around Boston on Wednesday, spurring authorities to close two bridges and a stretch of the Charles River before determining the devices were harmless.

Turner Broadcasting Co., the parent company of CNN, said the devices contained harmless magnetic lights aimed at promoting the Adult Swim network's late-night cartoon "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." Law enforcement sources said the devices displayed one of the Mooninites, outer-space delinquents who appear frequently on the show, greeting visitors with a raised middle finger.

"While the concern is lessened as a result of the investigation, I'd like to remind citizens to treat any suspicious devices with care and to call 911 if any such device is found," Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis said.

The devices had been placed as part of an "outdoor marketing campaign" in 10 cities, a Turner Broadcasting statement said.

"Parent company Turner Broadcasting is in contact with local and federal law enforcement on the exact locations of the billboards," the statement said. "We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger."

Yes, a blinking electronic cartoon character from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" was just too damn suspicious for the people in charge of guarding the safety of Bostonites. But wait, it gets even better:

The discovery of nine of the devices around metro Boston led state, local and federal authorities to close the Boston University and Longfellow Bridges, and block boat traffic from the Charles River to Boston Harbor.

In addition, the Pentagon said U.S. Northern Command was monitoring the situation from its headquarters in Colorado Springs, Colorado, but said none of its units were sent to assist.

Davis said police "are going to fully investigate this and get to the bottom of it."

Somewhere at NORAD there is a WOPR war games computer giggling hysterically, I bet.

Oy, vey. I think this is the day when we can finally admit that the terrorists have already won. Sigh...

Diamond In The Rough

Always drama-filled reality competition show "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1 just got even more insane with two separate fights that broke out on set recently, according to TMZ.com:

According to on-set sources, the first fight took place between medical/diet expert Dr. Ian and Ant, the show's host -- over a cigarette. We're told that during a break in filming, Dr. Ian exploded after Ant fired up a cancer stick in the doc's vicinity, and began shouting and threatening Ant with violence, forcing producers to immediately shut down production. We're told that after the two men were separated, egos were stroked, and both men got over the flare-up and production resumed.

Soon after, as first reported on PerezHilton.com, former child star-turned-porn-star Dustin Diamond allegedly threatened to "make a dildo of my c**k and f**k" former "American Idol" star Kimberly Locke with "it" during a heated on-set altercation. According to our sources, Locke, along with almost every member of the cast, including 80's pop star Tiffany, rap star Warren G and "Brady Bunch" star Maureen "Marcia" McCormick all stormed off the set. Only Ross the Intern stayed.

We're told that producers have exiled Dustin Diamond and he will no longer have any interaction with the cast. According to our source, the cast couldn't be happier with the Screeching halt.

Whoa! Let's examine this a little further. I'm not exactly shocked that Ant, The Gayest Man on Television Besides Ryan Seacrest, got beyotchy over his right to smoke a cigarette. Power to the people! But I am a teensy bit surprised that his adversary was Dr. Ian, who is supposed to be the "nice" one on the show (besides that useless namby-pampy therapist whose sole purpose is to make the contestants cry). If anyone had the cojones to throw down with Ant, I'd have thought it would be macho marine Gunnery Sergeant Harvey Walden IV, who takes no guff from anyone. It just goes to show you never can tell!



Now on to "Screechgate": What is wrong with that guy? Here he is, trying to desperately claw his way out of bankruptcy and losing his home by first making a porn tape featuring a "Dirty Sanchez" and now appearing on The Last Gasp Before Total Career Death Reality Show (aka "Celebrity Fit Club") and he jeopardizes the tattered remains of whatever sympathy anyone on Earth ever had for him by being a complete dickwad on national television--to the point that even Marcia Brady won't speak to him? HOW MANY DRUGS ARE YOU ON, SCREECH?

The only way he can make this work for him is if he manages to parlay this fiasco into a "Shooting Sizemore"/"Breaking Bonaduce"-style VH1 depressing-as-hell reality show of his own. It could be called "Dildoing Diamond," perhaps, or "Dusting Dustin," or "Scrapping Screech."

I should so totally work for VH1. These ideas are gems I'm throwin' out there, people! GEMS!

And Now It's Miller Time!

By now probably every man, woman and child with access to the interweb has seen this photo, but just in case--because it's just that good--here it is: The Sienna Miller Underpants-As-Pants Picture:



It kind of makes you feel warm and centered and optimistic about your place in the grand scehme of human existence, doesn't it? Because no matter how bad your day has been, no matter how many times you had to pull your skirt out of your pantyhose or hoist your saggy britches up over your muffin top or pick toilet paper off your shoe that you trailed around for an hour or so, you most likely did not step out of your movie premiere party (at which Anna Wintour was present!) and into the harsh light of the paparazzi's flashbulbs to be photographed by the world press in your shiny black tights and lycra granny panties with nothing else on top.

Unless you happen to be Chloe Sevigny; then, uh, you know, it's a possibility.

UPDATE: I just came across this delightful picture of Posh Spice in one of her god-awful alien get-ups over at Janet Charlton's website:




..and thought we could play a special British Bad Fashion edition of:



I'm having trouble with my poll maker, so please leave your thoughts as tow which lassie looks worsie, Sienna or Posh, in the comments box, please!

More Top Chef Crapola!

Oh, it's a veritable frenzy out there on the Interweb as we count down to the lame-ass finale of "Top Chef Season 2." Apparently Food & Wine magazine accidentally posted their feature on the winner a teensy bit early (ie, today) and then quickly took it down--but not before some enterprising bloggers copied and posted it. If you're the type who wants to know right now which of the final two douche-y contestants won, then go to the Eater L.A. blog and spoil yourself silly.

In other mildly amusing "Top Chef" non-news, Defamer has links to both Ilan and Marcel's MySpace profiles. Ilan's page contains many PhotoShoppped pictures that make fun of Marcel, such as this one:




He also has Marcel in his Top Friends--I'm assuming to be "ironic." Almost all the rest of his "friends" are rappers, man, 'cause that's just how Ilan rolls. The entire thing is meant to be humorous and ridiculous, and it is.

Marcel's page is more serious and straightforward, of course, it being Marcel's, although the foamy fauxmie has "pimped" his page with so many swirly blue graphics (meant to visually represent le gastronomie avant garde, perhaps, or his inner turmoil over his unrequited love for Elia, despite the fact that she accused him of cheating during the elimination judging on the last episode?) that it might give someone an epilectic seizure. Interestingly, he is actually two years older than Ilan (although Ilan's page also says he is of "Black/African" ethnicity so who knows if that's his real age).

The most unintentionally funny thing on it is that in the "Who I Want To Meet" section Marcel says "Those from whom I have something to learn from," which is on a par with Spinal Tap's classic song "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" in its retarded brilliance. Also, he unsurprisingly lists "The Lord Of The Rings" as one of his favorite movies (hobbit hair influence?) and Harry Potter and something called Hydrocolloids (which according to Amazon is subtitled "Gum Technology in the Food and Other Industries") in his favorite books section. Marcel is at least consistent, I'll give him that.



Consistently a dweebus maximus, that is.

No ironic Ilan in his "Top Friends," but he does include last season's winner Harold and current hostess-with-the-leastest-clotheses Padma Lakshmi (apparently her hubby wubby Salmon Rushdie doesn't even have a MySpace page--WTF, man? Oh, right, maybe it's that whole fatwa thing. Whatevs!). Marcel seems to have a wee crush on ole Padma--there are two photos of her in his "Pics," including this one:



That is one tiny triangle of fabric separating her private area from Marcel's exposed happy trail, I'll tell you what....ewww.

OK, I'm overloading my brain with MySpace and "Top Chef" and pictures of Marcel's hair. Time to stop. But before I go I want to toot my own horn a little and make note that this is your humble Felt Up blogette's 1,000th post, and as the Church Lady would say, "Well, isn't that special?"

Huzzah!

Starry Eyes

There is such a feeling of pure, joyous delight at walking out to your mailbox to find the following:



Star, sometimes you disappoint, but mostly you come through with flying colors and the world's best unflattering celeb pictures! You light up my life and you give me hope to carry on!

Kudos, Star, kudos. Keep up the good work!

Fashion And Music: Felt Up's Raison D'Etre! (Besides Trashy Gossip, Of Course)

The original Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers has a new fashion blog up called Fashionista, and it's just as silly, funny, and fun as you would expect, including a snippet about the sudden proliferation of white Converse high-tops in NYC, a featurette on the Scissor Sisters' stylist, and a reader's submitted picture of her Karl Lagerfeld M&M (from the "Become an M&M" site):



It's fashion writing for people who don't take fashion too seriously. Felt Up says check it out.

Also, a little shameless plug for Band of Felt Up Nagel (yes, after that Nagel): Take a looksee at our MySpace page, which is chockfull of exciting photos (featuring a dazzling lead singer!), downloadable mp3s, and Patrick Nagel imagery galore.

And Austin metroplex area peeps, take note: Nagel is making a rare live appearance on Friday, Feb. 9th at Red's Scoot Inn on E. 4th Street, with The Dresses, Alright Tonight, and Yellow Fever. Nagel goes on at 10pm.

And don't worry, I'll be sure and plug this show about a gazillion more times. Huzzah!

Bravo Is Driving Me To Drink (More)

A couple of posts back your humble Felt Up blogette waxed poetic about the non-villain status of Marcel, the swirly-haired pompous dork on "Top Chef" who was held down by a fellow contestant attempting to shave his hair off and then later, in real life, was bonked on the head with a bottle in a bar.

(WARNING: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S TOP CHEF RESULTS THEN STOP READING NOW!)




Sooooo, guess who ended up in The Final Two on the first part of "Top Chef"'s season finale last night? Yep, along with Ilan, it's the wee foam-obsessed "avant garde" cuisinist/white rapper/total dweeb. And even though I still say Marcel is not a true "villain" (compared to the sundry real villains who can be found on every reality show out there), I am totally outraged that he beat Elia and especially Sam to be in the final running for Top Chef. I just hate it that on these Bravo reality competition shows they don't take into consideration at all who won the previous challenges! Sam and Ilan won the most quickfire and elimination challenges--which is way, way more than Marcel--and yet that wasn't not taken into account. It's like why even declare a winner of those challenges at all? Really, it's just about not getting thrown off--winning doesn't have any real meaning whatsoever. If that's the case, then they should offer more prizes during the course of the show--like Betty's fancy knife--so that at least the winners get something of value. Consistent good work is simply not rewarded, and that totally sucks.

I grant that Marcel's food at this last challenge may have been superior to Sam's, but it was not superior during the rest of the season and that is why I am outraged--outraged, I say!--that Sam is not in The Final Two and Marcel is.

OK, I'm done now. Sigh...

They're Wee And Silly, They're...

First up, WENN reports via Jane that last year ridiculous wannabe-emogoth Jared Leto had to choke a hobbit for putting down his band, man:

Elijah Wood was shocked when he was attacked by Jared Leto at an awards show recently, because "The Lord Of The Rings" star said he didn't like Leto's band.

The 26-year-old star was attending the MTVU Woodie Awards in November when Leto, who is the lead singer of cult act 30 Seconds To Mars, approached his table. Leto came over, whispered in Wood's ear and walked away, but then turned around, grabbed him by the throat and called him a "f**king a**hole."

Wood tells Jane magazine, "He was basically upset at the fact that I said I didn't like his band. He said that initially and walked away. I guess he thought I was laughing at him, but I was more shell-shocked and telling people around me, 'Whoa, I just got told off by Jared Leto for not liking his band.' And that's when he came back and grabbed me." He adds, "I told Jared it wasn't personal. He acted like I'd been disrespecting him or speaking about his family. Things like that don't usually happen to me. I'm very non-confrontational. The whole thing was kind of ridiculous."

What's with all the juicy stories coming out months post-facto, eh? The gossip-hungry public has needs, Elijah Wood! NEEDS! But good for you for calling a spade a spade: I feel confident in saying that 30 Seconds To Mars cannot possibly be any good, based solely on the fact that Jared Leto is in it.

Next up People's cover story this week is all about Tyra Banks attempting to counter the tabloid criticism of her non-sylph-like body by saying the recent photos of her in a bathing suit were taken at an "unflattering angle":

On her hit show America's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks has always stressed the importance of body confidence – but it still hurt when tabloids ran an unflattering photo of her in a bathing suit under headlines that screamed, "America's Next Top Waddle" and "Tyra Porkchop."

Now, for the first time in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE, Banks, 33, is publicly discussing her much-buzzed-about weight gain. "I get so much mail from young girls who say, 'I look up to you, you're not as skinny as everyone else, I think you're beautiful,' " she says. "So when they say that my body is 'ugly' and 'disgusting,' what does that make those girls feel like?"

As for how Banks feels about her own 5'10" body – which she says is at 161 lbs. these days, about 30 lbs. heavier than when she landed on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue in 1997 – she says: "I still feel hot, but every day is different. It's when I put on the jeans that used to fit a year ago and don't fit now and give me the muffin top, that's when I say, 'Damn!'

As much as I loathe and despise the tabloid culture that villifies non-anorexics (until they do become anorexic and are then labelled "scary skinny!" and "pin-thin!"), I have to admit that "America's Next Top Waddle" has a certain ring to it. But really, Tyra being "fat" is totally absurd. You want fat? I'll show you fat! I know fat, fat is a friend of mine, and you, madam, are not fat! Her only crime is contributing to the dumbing down of our society at an alarming rate. But in order to prove that she's not fat, she's going to wear the infamous striped bathing suit captured by the paparazzi on her terrible talk show. Huzzah!




And finally, Page Six says that craaaaaaaazy ole Anne "I'm A Lesbian, No I'm Not, Yes I am, No, Actually, I'm An Alien" Heche has left her husband for her co-star on that fake "Northern Exposure" show she's on:

ANNE Heche has left hubby Coley Lafoon for her "Men in Trees" co-star James Tupper, "Entertainment Tonight" reports.

A rep for Heche confirmed to Page Six that she and Lafoon, who have a son, have separated, but would not say whether she's seeing Tupper.

A flack for Tupper, who's also married and has a child, said he has also separated, but declined further comment "on his personal life."

The "Men in Trees" story line has Heche and Tupper playing red-hot lovers in Alaska.

Heche was once hot and heavy with Ellen DeGeneres.

Why is it always the children and Ellen who suffer? Can you imagine being either Anne Heche's kid or the child whose dad left his/her mom for Anne Heche? Oh, the humanity!

Stuff It!

(photo via drunkenstepfather)

Remember a while back when there was a story floating around that Paris "P-Hole" Hilton had "accidentally" on purpose forgotten to pay a storage unit bill and the owners of the facility were trying to figure out what to do with all her crapola? Oh, sure you do!

Well, now there's a for-pay website where you can peruse all kinds of junk, such as photos of P-hole's boobs being pawed at by Girls Gone Wild scumillionaire Joe Francis, personal diary entries about such things as giving Cher's son genital herpes, photos of her and her classy friends snorting a kilo of cocaine off of a friend's chest, "private" home phone numbers of various celebs (I'm sure they're still valid!)--and so much more.

If you'd like to pay the fee and damn your soul to hell for all eternity, be my guest! Of course, it's very likely that P-hole herself is behind this whole thing and you will be putting your hard-earned money into her pink be-Swarovski-crystalled wallet, but what else is new?

Or you can just be like me and read the master list and snicker...

Next We're Going To Find Out That E.V.O.O. Really Stands for Ethnic Violent Overthrow of Oprah

Some truly scurrilous gossip has emerged about Rachael Ray, the congenitally annoying tv cook/talk show host/ruler of a vast media empire that includes her face on boxes of Triscuits brand snack crisps, and as Rachael would bellow, it's delish! TMZ is reporting that in late '05, Ray said some nasty things about Brangelina and made mean comments of a racial nature about OPRAH, the person who ended up syndicating her talk show and is the Goddess of Everything and will one day condemn puny lil' Rachael to the bowels of purgatory if any of this ends up being true, which of course, is up for debate:

Perky talk show host Rachael Ray made disparaging racial remarks about the woman who gave Ray her big shot at daytime TV -- none other than Oprah Winfrey, according to TMZ sources. It's a shocking account of a dinner that occurred during the period that the show was being sold.

Rewind to December 3, 2005. Ray was at the Century City Shopping Mall in Los Angeles for a book signing. Reps from King World, the production company that was syndicating the show, were shooting the event for its sales presentation.

At around 7:00 PM, Ray, along with seven others, went to Houston's Restaurant in the mall. They sat in a booth in the far right rear of the restaurant. Ray ordered fish and complained to the table it was dry. She was also drinking red wine and lots of it -- one source says a minimum of four big glasses.

We're told Ray became "extremely loud and aggressive," and began dissing Oprah. Sources say she told the group about a portrait of Oprah that sits in the lobby of Harpo Productions in Chicago. It's from the movie "Beloved" and shows Winfrey's back, enhanced with scars. She's also wearing a skirt from the slavery era.

Back at the table, sources say Ray launched into attack mode: "Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black."

But Oprah wasn't Ray's only target. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston. and then called Brad Pitt a "pussy boy." But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her "a skanky, backdoor c**t."

TMZ contacted the Director of Publicity for Rachael Ray, Charlie Dougiello, who said, "Rachael did attend the dinner referenced and enjoyed wine and good conversation with friends and colleagues. She denies making any of the comments referenced. In fact, there are several words that are attributed to Rachael that she has never uttered in her life."

Dougiello added, "Neither in public nor in private has Rachael made a disparaging or cruel remark about her friend and mentor, Oprah, nor a celebrity couple she has never even met."

Dougiello also said, "There were several associates of Rachael's at that table who, unprompted, agreed that Rachael never made any of the comments she is being accused of making... and it seems very convenient that these accusations are being levied at a time when Rachael's success has focused the public eye on her."

Actually, the timing of these accusations is a little weird to me, despite what Mr. Charlie Dougiello says. Why now? I don't see how anyone gains by this coming out after the negotiations were completed, and the fact that this was over a year ago seems suspiciously odd. I guess the Rachael Ray backlash is bigger than anyone realized. However, I am more than willing to a)engage in wild, possibly libelous gossip about anything and anyone, and b) believe everything I read on the interweb about celebrities.

Actually, the stuff she says about Brad-n-Angie kind of gives validity to the whole thing, if you ask me. Because not only is it totally true that Brad Pitt is a pussy boy and Angelina a skanky c***t, but of she had only gone on about Oprah, I might not believe this, but the fact that she was kind of "on a roll," sloshing around in red wine and dissing famous people left and right, well, that has the air of truth about it.

On the other hand, Rachael Ray's intensely grating voice can be heard over a live Motorhead concert, so I find it hard to believe no other diner or employee heard this conversation and reported it to the nearest Us Weekly representive immediately.

Like the alien spaceships being held by the US government at Roswell, we may never know the whole truth, but it sure is fun to speculate!

As Rachael likes to scream, yum-mo!

Haley's Comet!

My roller-coaster of emotions continues, this time on an upturn, as I just read this story in the Washington Post about Jackie Earle Haley's reaction to being nominated for an Academy Award. What particularly made me feel warm and fuzzy and like my heart was nestled in a warm blankie was this bit about fellow "Little Children" actress (and Academy Award nominee) Kate Winslet:

Haley, who described Winslet "like a big sister," talked to the actress in the morning but could hardly get a word in edgewise. "She was screaming and was so giddy," he said. "I kept trying to say congratulations, but she was more concerned and happy that my name showed up on that list."

The more I read about Kate Winslet, the more I like her, which is not true about any other female celebrity currently working in Hollywood under the age of 35. Besides being gorgeous, talented, classy, and the opposite of a skank in every way, she seemed to be genuinely thrilled for Jackie Earle's success. Kudos, Kate Winslet!

And a big shout out from Austin to Jackie Earle in San Antonio! Yee-ha!

Marcel Marred So

(Marcel gangsta sign photo via gawker)

So my Jackie-Earle-Haley-Oscar-nomination-derived optimistic high was extremely short-lived, as this report from Page Six has got me down in the existential dumps again:

VYING for the title of TV's "Top Chef" can be hazardous to your health. Just ask Marcel Vigneron, who ended up with a big scar over his left eye. "This girl came up to me at a nightclub and asked me if I was Marcel from 'Top Chef,' " Vigneron, 26, tells Las Vegas Weekly. "The next thing I knew, this bottle struck me, and my friends had to rush me to the hospital. I needed 30 stitches." Not that Vigneron, who's down to the wire against three other culinary whizzes in the Bravo series, isn't used to being skewered. He's routinely trashed by fans on message boards. In one episode, he says he was thrown to the floor and held down by rival chef Cliff Crooks, while another cook, Sam Talbot, tried to shave his head and Ilan Hall tried to videotape the act. "I don't believe violence solves anything," he told the Vegas paper. "But when I broke free from them, I saw this lamp and I just wanted to smash it over one of their heads . . . I mean, pinning me down to shave my head, that's what drunken frat boys do, not a top chef."

Sigh. I am constantly amazed that people look at this ridiculous lil' wee swirly-haired dude and see a "villain." Marcel is many things: A foam-obsessed self-described "avant garde" cuisinist. A free-form poet/white rapper. A boy with an unrequited and possibly sexually confusing crush on fellow contestant Elia. A ridiculous person whose every utterance induces deep, soul-disturbing embarrassment in viewers and makes them physically and emotionally cringe. A person who says "aloha, bra." A giggler. A dweeb. A hobbit. A dorkus majorkus.

But he is not a villain! He has never done anything truly mean or underhanded or backstabbing. He is simply not the complete and total evil beyotch that Tiffani was last season. His main crimes are self-delusion and arrogance (the kind of arrogance that nerds come up with to cover up their insecurities and to deflect the criticism of others)--and those of us who live in glass houses free of self-delusion and nerdy arrogance should throw the first stone. He has done absolutely nothing for which he deserves a) being aggressively held down by a much bigger person trying to shave his hair off or b) having a bottle conked on his head by a complete stranger in a bar. This is totally outrageous! If anyone ever deserved either of the above it was you-know-who, the guy who won that show I don't watch anymore!

It's almost as though the act of watching the other contestants complain about him is enough to make him a bad guy--but from what Bravo has shown us, Marcel hasn't done or said anything to justify the over-the-top behavior against him. To me, it makes the other contestants look bad, like they are too immature to tolerate such a geek in their midst. As Friend of Felt Up Terri R. put it recently, it's all very Lord of the Flies. And now their attitude and actions have bled out into the real world, and poor Marcel has to fear for his life wherever he goes.

HAS THE WHOLE WORLD BECOME A DRUNKEN, THUG-FILLED, INTOLERANT HAZING FRATERNITY?

Don't answer that....

Do You Believe In Unlikelihoods?

HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD!

If you don't already know that Jackie Earle has been a personal favorite of Felt Up since her innocent young girlhood, then you're not a very careful reader of this blog, as I tend to babble on about him quite a bit from time to time. His amazing and almost unprecedented return to Hollywood from beyond the grave of child actor career death is an inspirational story. He gives me hope to carry on! Kelly Leak is one bad motherf****er!

I was getting a tad worried because he wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe for either his comeback performance in "All The King's Men" (he was one of the few actors in that movie's esteemed cast of scenery-chewing hams--like Sean Penn and Sir Anthony Hopkins--to get good reviews) or for his critically-acclaimed role as a tormented child molester in "Little Children," starring Kate Winslet and Patrick Wilson. But in the end the Academy came through and he got the "Best Supporting Actor" nomination which will surely go to Eddie Murphy! At least he was nominated--hopefully that will keep his career in high gear for the forseeable future.

If you're not all that familiar with Jackie Earle's ouvre, check out his Wikipedia entry--which has already been updated to include his nomination, by the way. And if you've never seen THE MASTERPIECES that are "Breaking Away " and the original "Bad News Bears," then do yourself a favor and Netflix those suckers pronto. I also liked him in "Losin' It," a "going-to-Tiajuana-in-the-1960s-to-lose-your-virginity" movie starring a very young Tom Cruise and Shelly Long, if you can believe it.

Jackie Earle then...


...and now:



The only other big suprises in the nominations are that "Dreamgirls" was shut out of the "Best Picture" category, and Pedro Almodovar's "Volver" wasn't nominated for a "Best Foreign Language Film" award, although Penelope Cruz did get a "Best Actress" nomination.

Here are the rest of the biggie nominations. To nerd out over the complete list, go here.

BEST PICTURE
"Babel"
"The Departed"
"The Queen"
"Letters From Iwo Jima"
"Little Miss Sunshine"

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Adriana Barraza, "Babel"
Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"
Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"
Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel"

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"
Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed"
Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"
Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"

BEST ACTRESS
Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"
Helen Mirren, "The Queen "
Penelope Cruz, "Volver"
Kate Winslet, "Little Children"
Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"

BEST ACTOR
Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"
Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland"
Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"
Peter O'Toole, "Venus"
Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"

BEST DIRECTOR
Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
Paul Greengrass, "United 93"
Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"
Stephen Frears, "The Queen"
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Guillermo Arriaga, "Babel"
Michael Arndt, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
Guillermo del Toro, "Pan's Labyrinth"
Peter Morgan, "The Queen"

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Patrick Marber , "Notes on a Scandal"
William Monahan, "The Departed"
Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan Mazer Story by Sacha Baron Cohen & Peter Baynham & Anthony Hines & Todd Phillips, "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"
Todd Field & Tom Perrotta, "Little Children"
Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby, "Children of Men"

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
"After the Wedding" (Denmark)
"Days of Glory (Indigènes)" (Algeria)
"Lives of Others" (Germany)
"Pan's Labyrinth" (Mexico)
"Water" (Canada)

The Latin Name For This Species Is Thespias Horribilis

Spot the (unintentionally?) funny juxtaposition of a celeb photo with this story in the L.A. Times article about an exciting new documentary:



Hint #1: It's TARA REID.

Hint #2: The movie is about BESTIALITY.

Hint #3: I'M SAYING THAT THE LA TIMES IS IMPLYING THAT DOING IT WITH TARA REID IS LIKE DOING IT WITH AN ANIMAL.

Dancing With Z-List Stars!

TMZ.com claims to have the list of celebs who will be appearing on next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I must say that if this is the real line-up, then the show is truly scraping the bottom of the barrel for its "stars":

Billy Ray Cyrus (that's "Hannah Montana's" dad for you tweeners), former "90210" star Ian Ziering and Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila Ali will join former *NSYNC member Joey Fatone in trying to wrestle Emmitt Smith's Season 3 crown.

Despite earlier reports, one star who will not be shaking her royal groove thang is the original Fergie, Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.

Oh, my kingdom for a chance to watch the Duchess of York doing the paso doble
in spangles and feathers! Why do you taunt me, o Cruel Fate? Why?

Ian Ziering?

Return to The Shire

Am I completely crazy or is that Talia Shire, Hollywood royalty (played Connie Corleone in all three "Godfather" movies and yo! Adrian in the "Rocky" movies, is the sister of Francis Ford Coppola, mother of Jason Schwartzman, aunt of Sofia Coppola and Nicolas Cage, and is the ex-wife of film composer David Shire), in that totally awesome Geico "caveman-in-therapy" commercial?

Apparently whoever wrote her Wikipedia entry believes it is her, but I don't trust anything I read on the interweb unless it involves cocaine-fueled catfights, diva meltdowns, or gay orgies in famous actors' hot tubs. Anyway, here's the ad, judge for yourself:

She Blinded Me With Science AND...

Let's try to figure out these "blind items" from Page Six, which is "Just Asking":

WHICH shaggy-haired rocker with a perky pop-star girlfriend has the nightclub circuit buzzing that he's been taking guys home with him late at night? . . . WHICH famous athlete isn't as interested in women as his fans believe? He has been able to keep his sexuality under wraps, but the question is for how much longer.

Huh. Based on the number of similar blind items that have been published lately, I have come to the conclusion that, to paraphrase "Team America"'s musical "Lease," EVERYONE is gay! Gay, gay, gay! Gay, gay, gay, gay! GAY!

The first item's "shaggy-haired rocker" seems to sugest a certain singer-songwriter whose name (sorta) sounds like Dong Layer, although it might be stretching it a bit to call him a rocker. If it is Dong Layer--who has been kinda-semi-maybe-or-maybe-not dating a "perky pop-star" whose name is similar to Breastica Limpson--then I might not gag quite as much every time I hear that insipid "Your Body Is a Wonderland" song, because if I can fantasize that that body he is whining about belongs to somebody hott like, say, the actor whose name rhymes with Drive Slowen, then that makes it infinitely more appealing.

The other item is trickier, as a) I'm not much of a sports fan, and b) it's extremely vague. However, the fact that it says "famous athlete" and not "famous basketball star" or "famous football hero" makes me think it is someone who plays another sport, and what famous athlete who plays another sport has been in the news a lot latley, eh? Perhaps the one whose name sounds like Ravekid Peck'em? Although you'd think the gosip-mongers over at Page Six would be unable to resist a shot at his alienesue/anorexic/pop tart wife, Nosh Lice....

Soooo, there are many, many more interpretations, dear readers...got any better ideas? Funnier rhyming names? Deep, existential questions about Drive Slowen? Well, for the love of teensy, tiny, sweet swaddled baby Jesus in the manger, leave 'em in the comments box!

New Address, Same Old Crapola

Program Note: Please be advised that the web address for Felt Up has changed. Now you can find your trashy gossip at www.feltupbyjen.com (no more pesky blogspot in the address! just like a real website!) on your interwebs.

Blogger has promised to forward you from the old address to the new one, but please let me know if you encounter any problems.

Huzzah!

Stars Are Blind (In One Eye)

(photo via JustJared)

Ha ha ha HA! Page Six reports today that Paris "P-Hole" Hilton's famously lazy eye is the reslut of a botched eye job a few years back:

WHEN Paris Hilton decided to turn her brown eyes blue with tinted contacts, she might have hurt her already suffering eye lids. According to a Beverly Hills source, Hilton stopped by a plastic surgeon's office with sister Nicky earlier this week, seeking to "fix her drooping left eyelid." Our insider says Paris had hush- hush surgery six years ago to lift her lids. The muscles of her left eye were supposedly damaged as a result, "causing it to droop more than the right" - a look that was once parodied on "South Park." Hilton, who is filming "The Hottie and the Nottie," has made things worse by wearing blue- tinted contact lenses over her naturally brown irises. "They have been drying out lately," dished the tipster. "She is ignor ing doctors' orders to not wear her tinted contacts." Paris' rep Elliot Mintz told Page Six, "To the best of my knowledge, Paris has never had any kind of cosmetic surgery and has not mentioned any medical procedures having to do with her eyes."

It's hysterical to me that even her flaws are fake! Janice Dickinson probably has more authentic body parts! OK, maybe not Janice, but I bet Courtney Love does! OK, maybe not Courtney, but---eh, forget it.

Oh, and Elliot Mintz, I know you're a p.r. flack and all, but dude, if you were Pinocchio your nose could be used as Marky Mark's penile prosthetic in "Boogie Nights." I'm just sayin'.

The First Step Is Having Your Publicist Admit You Have A Problem

Least surprising news of the day alert! From Us Weekly:

Lindsay Lohan entered the luxe rehab facility Wonderland Center in Los Angeles' Laurel Canyon on Wednesday afternoon at 2:30 p.m., Us Weekly has learned.

"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health," Lohan tells Us Weekly through her rep, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick. "I appreciate your well-wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

She arrived at the facility in a blacked out SUV followed by a caravan of two other cars. Looking somber, the actress carried a dark Balenciaga bag and a Jamba Juice, she wore black tights, a green flannel shirt, a leather jacket, and a black baseball cap that said "Lola."

Though Lohan didn’t attend the Golden Globe Awards, the actress was spotted at Prince’s after-party at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel where "she was totally out of it,” according to an onlooker.

Witnesses say that the starlet partied until 6 a.m. Tuesday morning.

Recently, Lohan's rep confirmed that the actress has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Hmmmm....in my fantasy version of these events, I see La Lohan arriving at Prince's purple mansion (while he and The Revolution play basketball in puffy shirts with Charlie Murphy, of course) and right after Prince makes a slam dunk, he saunters off the court to greet his guests. He notices Lindsay and her date, Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis and Prince takes off his long, white lacy ascot and waves it in front of Joe's face, sort of flicking him with it. Joe tries to shoo away the annoying piece of lace with his hand, like he's swatting a fly, but Prince doesn't stop, he just looks Lindsay up and down as he flicks flicks flicks the ascot in Joe Francis' face. Prince is surrounded by a wondrous light, as if a million rainbows had converged upon his Nehru suit and burst into flame.

"I see you are a beautiful young woman, Lindsay Lohan," says Prince.

"Shanks a lot, homes! (Hic!) You're even shorter than Wilmer! Ha haaaaaa...(Hic) I feel kinda pukey...Joe, get the bucket!" says Lindsay.

"You would be even more beautiful if I draped your body in diamonds and pearls and purple satins."

"Shanks, I thiiiiiiiink. Where my bitches at? (Hic!) Have you seen my mom?"

"But listen to me, Lindsay Lohan. You will lose your flame-haired white beauty if you do not give up your worldy ways and devote yourself to a Higher Power. He will bathe you in the purple rain. You will glow like a peach. You will be a sexy m.f. Your sugar walls will drive me crazy like my darling Nikki. But you must change your ways, Lindsay Lohan. You must dump this..this thing (flicks lace in Francis' face for emphasis)...you must stop all of this nonsense and pledge your love to Jehovah. Go. Go now, Lindsay Lohan, go to The Wonderland! Now I must return to my other guests and make them pancakes."

Prince hops onto his motorcycle for the short trip back to the Purple Mansion, and in a puff of smoke, he is gone...

And right then and there, Lindsay knew what she had to do...she had to get rid of the creep she'd come with...she had to make big changes in her life...but most of all, she had to call Leslie Sloane-Zelnick.

FIN.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Brace yourselves. Jeannette Walls at MSNBC says that Britney Spears might be pregnant again:

Oops, did she do it again?

Britney Spears’s friends believe that the baby-popping singer may be pregnant again, according to In Touch Weekly.

The friends’ concern may help to explain why Spears seems not to have lost any of her pregnancy weight and why she has been getting sick lately. In one widely circulated photo, Spears was shown throwing up peanut butter and reports said she had been drinking, but according to ITW, Spears has been skipping the booze.

“Her dancers were indulging in Malibu rum and pineapple drinks and taking shots of vodka,” a witness to a January 14 party at a Las Vegas casino told the mag. “But Britney drank bottled water.”

Spears gave birth to her second child only four months ago — but friends point out that she got pregnant for the second time only three months after having her first child.

“I’ve seen her during the last two pregnancies and she has the same look now,” a “pal who sees Britney every week” told the mag. “She’s heavier, but that’s not it. It’s the sparkle in her eye. She always gets that sparkle when she’s pregnant, like she’s relaxed and happy.”

Spears’s rep didn’t return the Scoop’s calls for comment.

OK, there a few things I'd like to point out before we get too excited. First of all, Jeannette is basing this report on a story from InTouch Weekly for God's sake. Secondly, the whole "Britney upchucked peanut butter on her new boyfriend" angle is up for debate, since a) the story I heard was that her new mans, Aaron Cohen, claimed an errant jar of gifted peanut butter was the reason he was photographed with his fingers covered in a barfy-looking substance, not that Brit actually puked peanut butter on him and b)if she did barf on her escort, she could have simply been drunk, not preggers.

But who knows? I have a whole theory that Britney gets pregnant so often because she has such a hard time losing the baby weight and keeping it off that in her tiny mind it is easier to just have another kid so she can eat whatever she wants and not get judged so harshly. If so, the big question would be: WHO IS THE DADDY?

Bringing Stalky Back

Apparently Cameron Diaz followed Justin Timberlake around the Golden Globe afterparties like a sad, clingy, "Fatal Attraction"-ish big-eyed puppy and eventually had a complete cow when she saw him flirting with Jessica Biel.

Page Six says:

CAMERON Diaz is not over Justin Timberlake just yet, and things got heated when she saw her ex chatting up Jessica Biel in L.A. after the Golden Globes. Sources say the temperamental star "blew up" at Biel after she saw Timberlake flirting with her. Diaz followed Timberlake to the In Style party at the Hilton Oasis, where "they had an awkward conversation." The "Charlie's Angels" star then trailed Timberlake to the Beverly Hilton rooftop for the Universal party, where she found him chatting up Biel - and screamed at the "Illusionist" star. "If that's how she wants to get him back, it won't work," said our insider. "She's desperate." Reps for Diaz did not return our call.

From People:

According to witnesses, Timberlake was chatting with actress Jessica Biel when Diaz approached. Biel stepped away, and the former couple had a serious exchange.

Diaz walked away, Timberlake followed, and the two were soon spotted engaged in an intense 40-minute face-off in a side room.

Diaz reemerged looking composed, but not before Timberlake held his head in his hands and, says a witness, "slammed his fist (down) into a cabinet."

Man, I loooooove the ole fist-slammed-into-a-cabinet move! Such drama! Such angst! Such sturm und drang! It's like a very special episode of The Facts Of Life!

I'm very excited by the turn this story is taking... perhaps we can look forward to Cameron holding a boom-box over her head and standing in JT's lawn a la "Say Anything"...or if we're really lucky, maybe she'll boil his pet bunny in a pot on the stove! Cameron Diaz will not be ignored!

Huzzah!

Ladies And Gentlemen: Renuke Zellwegerry

Someone is playing with my mind, man. The world's squintiest couple has just been created by an angry god:

NEW couple alert:Renée Zellweger is cruising on a "90210" cast member. The "Miss Potter" star went out with Luke Perry Thursday night. Seated at an intimate table at the Sunset Tower hotel's Tower Bar restaurant, they were "definitely on a date," said our L.A. spy. "They both looked super-skinny. He was looking very grungy - baggy jeans, lumberjack flannel shirt and baseball cap. She had on a white button-down shirt, glasses and striped pants. They were talking very closely and rubbing knees." (Page Six)

I'm at a loss. A total loss. White is black, left is right, up is down, Eyeless Stick Zellweger is dating a former "90210"-er in "grunge" attire.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I'm getting scared...where am I?....everything is going white...I'm so cold....so very, very cold...I see Blue!

HE LOOKS GLORIOUS!

The Unholy Birth of Frahan (Or Joesay)

(photo via A Socialite's Life)

From "The Ickiest Couple Since David Gest and Liza Minelli" file comes this absolutely chilling report from Page Six:

NO wonder Lindsay Lohan wasn't impressed with record producer Scott Storch's diamond gifts over New Year's - she found a guy with a jet. She's seeing "Girls Gone Wild" impresario Joe Francis. Friends of Lohan say Francis was with her when she went to the hospital two weeks ago to have her appendix out, and they planned to leave Saturday for a mini-vacation at Francis' Mexican estate, but decided to stay in town. "Neither of them could resist the lure of the Golden Globe parties," laughed our spy.

DEAR GOD. I think I have to go take a "Silkwood"-style shower now and rub the grime off--but what will cleanse my psyche? How can I unsee what my eyes have shown me? Is there a special mouthwash for the vomit taste in my soul?

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

The final award...eww, it's Arnold on crutches...Alec Baldwin just sniggered...Best Drama movie goes to "Babel"...Brangelina shots, eps. Angelina's back tattoos...ooh, the Mexican director just made an illegal immigrant joke to The Gubenator! awesome!...trying to see Angelina's scary veins...Arnold is on crutches with Miss Golden Globe...lame "We'll be back" joke--doesn't he have any other material?

OK, back to freezing balls in the Great Ice Storm of 2007! Good night!

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

Felicity Huffman presenting Best Actor in a Drama movie...where is Peter O'Toole?....and Forrest Whitaker wins for "The Last King Of Scotland"! Huzzah! lovelovelove him! so so hott! What is it about him? the weird eye thing? it's intoxicating!...oh, he's tearing up!...so is craaaazy Sharon Stone....Forrest! FORREST!...gorgeous wife, hate her...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

Courteney Cox and David Arquette presenting Best Drama tv show...which goes to "Grey's Anatomy"....don't watch it, don't care...

Philip Seymour Hoffman looking rather debauched in dark hair and mustache presenting Best Actress in Drama movie...Kate Winslet is gorgeous...Helen Mirren is the winner of course...director of "The Queen" Stephen Frears seems to be shoved into the back of the room in the nobody seats...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

I just missed the introduction but some extremely boring unfunny dude is presenting "Thank You For Smoking"---is he Dane Cook? Snoooze....

J. Lo in full Liz Taylor-in-the-Late-1960s mode (huzzah!)....presenting Best Comedy or Musical movie..."Dreamgirls," which beat out "Borat"...."Dreamgirls" producer is gay gay gay! what a shock!

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

9:22 pm: Dustin Hoffman presenting "Little Miss Sunshine"...sort of reading cuecards like a robot..."Ishtar 2" joke...

Steven Spielberg presenting Best Director...which goes to Martin Scorsese...standing o!...he's extremely wee...hard to see him in the crowd...Miss Golden Globe still standing there, poor thing...Marty doesn't thank his wife...

Reese Witherspoon...looking sprightly! cute in yelloe!..presenting Best Actor in a comedy or musical movie...ugh! they didn't even show Chiwetel Eijifor, boo, hiss! He is a living god!...and it goes to Sasha Baron Cohen!...he's a giant next to Reese...odd to hear him in posh Brit non-Kazakh accent...and we have the first anus and testicles joke of the evening! huzzah!..."wrinkled golden globes"....hee hee! haa haa!...Forrest Whitaker is cracking up! Marky Mark is in stitches!...they're cutting him off! boo, hiss!

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

8:58pm: Tom Hanks' puffy face is presenting The Cecil B. DeMille Award...which is going to Warren Beatty...shot of James Woods' incredibly dyed hair...shot of Brangelina...Warren's career retrospective--a depressing look at how good movies used to be...uh, except "Dick Tracy"...huh, look at Diane Keaton's old nose in "Reds"....Toni Collette sure lucked out with her next-to-Jack seat...aah, a scene from "Ishtar"!....standin o...aak! shot of J-Lo's wampyre husband...interesting lack of mention of Warren's sister Shirley MacLaine...ooh! little dig at Arnold Shwarzenegger....Warren is meandering..."Borat" joke...kinda long speech...shout out to Annette, she's teary-eyed a little bit, although maybe not as much as during America Ferrara's speech...shot of Seal and Heidi...eek! shot of Prince standing up to shake someone's hand...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

AAAAAAH! Proenza Schouler are doing a line for Target! Wheeeeee!

8:45: Jeremy Irons presenting "The Queen"....wearing some kind of long Nehru jacket and knee-length tunic...awesome....shot of Corgis!

Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore...ooh! Hugh is acknowledging Prince! He was stuck in traffic! Hugh gets him to take a bow....a tiny, tiny bow in a mustard yellow Nehru suit (the suit of the evening for the oddball section!)...Best Original Score...Yawn...Drew is pretty in pink...French dude wins for "The Painted Veil" (the Foreign Press Association sure loves them some foreigners!)...

Jennier Love Hewitt and John Stamos, together bringing down the star power average to grade Z, presenting best actress in a comedy tv series...awww...America Ferrara wins! Huzzah! she's crying! so pretty! so cute!....she can't stop the crying!...shout out to young girls who have inner beauty...not a dry eye in the house! Will Smith, crazy Annette Bening, Salma Hayek all tearing up, everyone there except Eva Longoria, who apparently has a heart made of stone...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

James Woods and Gina Davis presenting Best Comedy tv series...and it's an upset! "Ugly Betty" wins over "The Office"...apparently every Hispanic person working in Hollywood has rushed the stage...now Vanessa Williams has joined in...America Ferrara is a delight...

Jamie Foxx presenting "Dreamgirls"...shout outs to Jay-Z and Prince...

Djimon Hounsou and craaaaaazy Sharon Stone presenting Best Foreign Language Film...Clint Eastwood wins for "Letters From Iwo Jima" over "Volver" and "Pan's Labyrinth"...awwww, cute! Clint just quoted Jennifer Hudson's "you don't know what this does for my confidence" acceptance speech...shout out to Ken Watanabi---who is waaay hott....

Michael Bolton and Nicolette Sheridan shot...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

Cameron Diaz presenting "The Departed"...pretty dress, dark hair looks sorta maybe not so nice...dear Lord her voice is annoying...she sounds like someone on "My Super Sweet 16" and yet she's older than dirt...

Jake Gyllenhaal and Hilary Swank presenting Best Screenplay...YAWN...Hilary is very skinny, she looks like she's about to topple over from the weight of her own head...Jake is adorable in a bowtie....another Brit wins for "The Queen" screemplay...oooh, he's getting a little political..."public protest counts for something"...they're cutting him off!

Tim Allen and Vanessa Williams in the world's largest wig...Tim Allen is drooling onto her cleavage...they're giving out Best Actor in a comedy tv show...and Alec Baldwin wins for "30 Rock"! Huzzah! God, j'adore Alec Baldwin...standing o from Jack Nicholson...disturbing shot of Donald Trump and that wife he bought...

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

OK, Prince is clearly in the audience! What the hell is going on that he wouldn't go up and get his award from Justin Timberlake?...sooooo nutty! Hee hee! Ha ha! Hotcha!

Sarah Jessica Parker is in sparkles presenting "The Devil Wears Prada"...

OMG TERRENCE HOWARD! and he's presenting with stupid Sienna Miller who I hate to admit it is looking pretty in pretty white dress with milkmaid braid on head--HATE HER! GAG!...lovable Bill Nighy wins Best Actor in a mini series for "Gideon's Daughter"..love Bill's funny British humor! love him!...more Emily Blunt shout-outs--she's getting more screen shots than Jack N.!...tie between Emily Blunt and Helen Mirren for screen shots...

TH and SM now giving out Best Actress in a mini series...and it goes to Helen Mirren for "Elizabeth I"...kissed on cheek by Terrence!...she's obviously going to clean up tonight...as are, apparently, all the British people who were nominated for anything...

OK, I'm officially ancient--they're using The Buzzcocks for an AARP commercial. Someone kill me now!

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

7:55 PM Ben Stiller...tiny, tiny Ben Stiller...introducing "Borat"...dear god, no one is laughing at his jokes, it's hard to watch...painful! make it stop!...Sasha Baron Cohen is totally hot...

Salma Hayek...so gorgeous! so stunning! I so hate her!...presenting Best Mini Series...which goes to "Elizabeth I" starring Helen Mirren...English director...don't have HBO, never heard of this show...all bow down to Helen Mirren...groveling...

Rachel Weisz...so gorgeous! so stunning! I so hate her!...Best Supporting Actor in a movie...Ben Affleck...Eddie Murphy...Jack Nicholson in sunglasses...Brad Pitt (looking drawn!)...MARKY MARK!!! WHEEE! LOVE HIM!!!...and Eddie Murphy wins!...hugs Jamie Foxx, hugs Jack...poor Marky Mark....Eddie has been looking so good lately...somewhere Charlie Murphy is drunk!...nice, short not-trying-to-funny speech....

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

Still not fully recovered from sight of Tom Hanks' hideously distended visage because I am vaguely intrigued by ad for Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore romantic comedy...BREAKING NEWS! Ice Storm 2007 closing local schools! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!....gratuitious use of VIPIR radar, whatever that is...back to the real news--Golden Globes!

Charlie Sheen...floppy hair in the extreme---you're not as young as you used to be, dude! ...introducing his brother's "Bobby"...making Emilio stand up...

Steve Carrell...new category "Best Animated Film"...YAWN...cars, penguins, monster house, PIXAR PIXAR PIXAR...."Cars" wins...no one cares...director excited about new category...YAWN...no one listening to him...Sheryl Crow looks pretty, I never thought I'd say that...OMG TERRENCE HOWARD! AAAAAAAH! lovelovelove him!

OMG It's Joaquin Phoenix presenting! JOAQUIIIIIIIIN!...shot of Annette Bening drinking champers, looking tres nutty nutballish...Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a musical or comedy movie... for "Devil Wears Prada"...oooh Renee Zellweger looks bummed, although it's hard to tell with her lack of eyeballs...poor Miss Golden Globe is still standing there...Meryl says hello to her, of course she knows Jack's kid...Meryl makes "snakes in LA" joke...MERYL STREEP JUST SAID THE WORD BEYONCE...she is being very funny...cute with her glasses...dear god Sharon Stone is INSANE, she should be carried away in straight jacket (sooo awesome!)...Reese Witherspoon looks very pretty--it's the best revenge! ha ha on you cheater husband!...oooh, Meryl's getting semi-political about why we can't see indie movies....

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. thinks Beyonce looks like a stripper...

7:11 pm
Eva Longoria and Adrien Grenier presenting useless, pointless Miss Golden Globe...who is the daughter of Jack Nicholson--her name is Lorraine Nicholson, she's standing there doing nothing...now time for Best Actor in a tv show/mini-series...Jeremy Irons old, bearded, debauched, hott...some dude from "Weeds"..be-hair-plugged Jeremy Piven with mom...and the winner is Jermy Irons! for something classy!... handshake with Piven (English classiness!)...kiss on cheek to Miss Golden Globe...shot of Jack (I'm already tired of The Jack Shot)...Jeremy is too dry for this crowd..."This is a nightmare..can't remember anyone's names"..."Ahmed/I'm Ed" joke falls flat...shot of Brangelina fake smiling...shot of Helen Mirren (first of many, I'm sure)...

Tina Fey and David Spade...she towers over him....is he a midget?....Best Actress in a Drama...Patricia Arquette (love her! zaftig for Hollywood--keep it up!)..Edie Falco...Evangeline Lilly...Ellen Pompeo...Kyra Sedgwick...winner is Kyra! Pretty Grecian-y gown...shot of husband Kevin Bacon....shot of upset hobbit...boring speech...pretty, though...Bacon again, kissing his kid on head...creepy Nancy O'Dell who ruined "Project Runway" (boo! hiss!)...funny shot of Annette Bening looking a tiny bit crazed, hair flying everywhich way...

Naomi Watts giving preview of Best Drama movie nominee "Babel"...she effs up director's last name (he laughs)...

7:25 Renee Zellweger...squinty-eyed as ever...green dress plain but pretty color...presenting president of Hollywood Foregin Press...yawn...he can't seem to speak properly...talking about Jack, Meryl Streep, Clint Eastwood and how old they are, for some unknown reason...Will Ferrel has huge afro-y hair...crazy Sharon Stone looking pretty and extra-special CRAAAZY...

Jessica Biel and Puff Daddy(?) presenting Best Supporting Actress in tv show or miniseries...Emily Blunt surprise winner for "Gideon's Daughter" (after losing for "Devil Wears Prada")...mermaid fishtail dress is pretty....she's running all over hugging people...shout out to debauched, old British Bill Nighy (lovelovelove him!)...

Cast of "Heroes" presenting Best Actor in a drama or mini series...Hugh Laurie wins for "House" over Keifer Sutherland for "24"...making joke about freebies...dry Brit humor again...aaah! shot of PUFFY TOM HANKS! aaah!...joke about crew...Hugh is funniest so far (not hard, but still)...

Odious O'Dell with Hilary Swank who is waxing poetic about the Hollywood Foreign Press...O'Dell apparently pregnant (yuck!)....

Liveblogging The Golden Globes!

7:01 PM The 64th Annual Golden Globes Award Begin!

George Clooney presenting Best Supporting Actress In A Movie...And the winner is...Jennifer Hudson! So cute! Her hair is bigger than Clooney's entire body. ..She looks classy and sassy...dress semi-sacklike, though...great makeup....Beyonce showing camera totally fake tears (Oscar w0rthy!)...dedicates award to Florence Ballard (real-life Supreme who died in poverty like her character in "Dreamgirls)...class-act all the way!

Justin Timberlake giving out Best Original Song from a Movie...more Beyonce...penguins...Sheryl Crow for some movie I've never heard of...and it's Prince for the penguin movie! JT looks lost..no Prince..accepting on behalf of Prince, JT now pretending to be Prince by scrunching himself down and gettin' short...shocked gasp from audience! (dissing Prince? oooh, aaaahh!)

Foamie Is a Fauxmie

I know I am utterly alone--alone, I say!-- in my belief that new "Top Chef" trophy wife/ hostess Padma Lakshmi is only marginally better than previous "Top Chef" trophy wife/hostess/robot Katie Lee Joel. Everyone I know thinks she's a big improvement (yeeees, at the very least she seems to be a carbon-based lifeform), but I was really hoping that Katie Lee's replacement would have a smidge more personality and a wee bit less exposed midriff, but alas, 'twas not to be. So I was particularly pleased to see this tidbit in New York (via Gawker):

Padma Lakshmi, the ex-model married to Salman Rushdie and host of Bravo’s Top Chef, isn’t getting much respect from the show’s contestants, five of whom hail from New York. Asked if he trusted Lakshmi’s culinary taste, Ilan Hall, a line cook at Casa Mono, asked a Bravo flack, “Um, are we allowed to say disparaging things about Padma?” No. “She’s beautiful,” Hall offered. “Mostly, she just explained things, and she did a good job at that.” Cliff Crooks, executive chef at Salute!, said, “Nothing she said really made a difference in my cooking.” Sam Talbot, former executive chef at Punch, said, “Next question.” He also noted that she seemed intent on stepping out of her famous husband’s shadow. “She never wanted to talk about him. I remember a time she got a phone call and she yelled, ‘You can ask me any question you want, but don’t bring up my husband!’” And then there’s the matter of her stomach-baring, kitchen-unfriendly attire. “Some of the things she wore, I wouldn’t suggest anyone wear around a working kitchen,” said Crooks. “Either she’d be a fire hazard or she’d get hurt.”

Heh. Overall I've been finding this second season of "Top Chef" rather lackluster--without a Tiffani-caliber villain (or a Harold-caliber favorite) it's kind of hard to care who wins or loses (although I think I speak for an entire nation when I say that everyone was glad to see ersatz-nice Betty get the axe). Sure, Marcel is incredibly annoying and nerdy, but when a reality show contestant who is teased, picked on, and loathed by all but one (Elia) of his fellow chefs decides to fight back with a recitation of white-rap-style poetry-slam free verse about his self-described avante garde foam-obsessed culinary expertise, well then, you've entered televisual golden territory and all bets are off.

For the love of sweet, 7 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus, when does "Top Design" begin?