Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year From Felt Up And ABBA

My two resolutions: To blog more often and drink more often! Perhaps at the same time! Huzzah!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Little Bundle Of Botox On The Way?


(photo via fresno beehive)

According to the UK Daily Mail, which of course could be totally wrong, Nicole Kidman has a bun in the oven:
Nicole Kidman and her husband of 18 months are expecting their first baby, the Daily Mail can reveal.

The Oscar-winning actress and Keith Urban, the country and western singer she calls the "love of my life", broke the news to their families over the Christmas holiday.

The 40-year-old Australian star had already spoken of "winding down" her film-making activities as much as possible next year.

The baby, whose expected arrival date has not yet been revealed, will be the actress's first natural child.

She adopted Isabella, 14, and twelve-year-old Conor during her first marriage to Tom Cruise.

OK. First, I love how the Daily Mail says that Nicole and Keith "broke the news to their families," like they were announcing something terrible. Heh.

Second, isn't this one more piece of evidence that suggests TOM CRUISE IS NOT THE FATHER OF SURI? (Just as some people believe there was a second gunman in The Grassy Knoll in Dallas during the Kennedy assassination, I happen to believe that there was a second "shooter" in the knocking up of Katie Holmes, and his name is Chris Klein. As an American, it is my right! If I ever disappear under mysterious circumstances, blame the Scientologists!) Sure, Nicole had two miscarriages during their marriage, but people trying to have kids often suffer through several miscarriages. I'm just suggesting it's all a bit fishy. FISHY, I say!

Also, has anyone studied the effects on the fetus of massive amounts of Botox floating around the system of a pregnant lady?

And finally, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll be saying it some more: EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. Bleh!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Our Lady Of The Chillums


(photo via evil beet)

Hee hee! According to TMZ, the cops who arrested Mischa Barton found weed and mystery pills in her car:
A West Hollywood police source tells TMZ that when she was arrested, Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car -- in an unlabeled bottle...

Barton was popped at 2:45 AM Thursday in West Hollywood. Cops pulled her over after they witnessed her "straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn."

The funny thing to me is that TMZ's headline for this story is "Mischa Barton's Idea of a Good Time--Pot and Pills?". Isn't that almost everyone's "idea of a good time"? In Hollywood, it practically makes her a nun!

Developing.

I Gave Her My Heart And She Gave Me A Penn


(photo via yahoo)

It's only been eleven years, but it seemed like so much looooonger! Finally, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are ending their tumultuous marriage, according to People:
Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.

No other details were immediately available. The couple, who've been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

Penn, 47, and Wright, 41, began dating in the early '90s and married in 1996. They also have starred together in several films, including 1998's Hurlyburly and 1997's She's So Lovely, directed by Nick Cassavetes.

"Marriage ain't easy, but it's great most of the time," Penn told Entertainment Weekly in 1997. "I love Robin. I've always loved her."

I always thought it was amazing--and possibly a sign of mental illness--that she stayed with him as long as she did, given the fact that he's, you know, SEAN PENN. Over the course of their relationship she went from a sweet-looking dewy youth to a stricken ghost of a human being. I'm glad she got out of there, but, boy, she took her sweet time...

I remember how much I loved Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage when I was a wee lass (Racing With The Moon! Bad Boys! Valley Girl! How I wept with the intensity of my crush!) and now Sean makes me want to hit him with a sharp stick because of his complete and utter lack of humor, and Nicolas Cage is a walking freak show with a deformed mouth and no hair. Luckily, Clive Owen and Vincent D'Onofrio have taken up the slack!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Last Celeb Mug Shot of 2007? Maybe Not!

From TMZ, Miss Mischa Barton's unsurprisingly-bleary-eyed mug shot:



Hey, Lohan! Are you going to take this lying down? Are you going to let this little O.C. strumpet steal your end of the year D.U.I. thunder? THERE ARE STILL FOUR DAYS LEFT TO BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER! GAH!

I Could Make A "Doh! C. " Joke Here, But I Won't

As you all know by now, a potentially history-altering event involving one of the most important female figures in the world has just taken place. No, not the assassination of Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto, silly! I'm talking about the arrest of Mischa Barton, the former O.C. star/survivor-of-dalliance-with-Cisco "Disfigured Sacks Are Awesome!" Adler!

According to TMZ, Ms. Barton was picked up for
DUI, possession of narcotics and driving on a suspended license.

The former "O.C." star was pulled over early this morning around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood, Calif., and is still in custody, being held on $10,000 bail.

To add insult to injury, "the Inmate Info doc called her 'Mischa Burton.'" Heh.

More developments in this shocking event will surely unfold hour by hour, so stay tuned!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A Gem Sweater Christmas!

This classic Leslie and the Ly's video doesn't have any literal Christmas connection, but there is something festive and holiday-ish about gem sweaters, n'est-ce pas? Enjoy!

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Greatest Gift of All...

...is a Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers video featuring creepy Christmas gremlins:

A John Waters Christmas

Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Ludachristmas!

Here's some funny holiday stuff I picked out in a fit of total boredom. May my continuing fit of ennui relieve some of yours (my new Christmas slogan)!


First up, sometimes all I want to do for the holidays is listen to a child sing a song:



Schweaty balls are always a special treat:



This may be one of only a very few times that Bea Arthur and Chewbacca appeared together on screen. Of course, I could be wrong:



Another heartwarming seasonal song, TV Funhouse's "Christmas Time For The Jews":



As the gossip sucks ass, expect more of the same in the days to come...God bless us every one!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day, v.2

These photos have been floating around the interwebs for a few days, but your humble Felt Up blogette got so distracted by Jamie Lynn-gate that she forgot! Anyway, without further ado, here's Miss Tara Reid in her current state:



If you really want to, you can see more from this photo shoot here.

Poor Tara. She is desperately flailing around, trying in vain to salvage the shabby, sad, tattered remnants of her once semi-thriving career. Instead of acting in teen sex comedies, she's been reduced to traveling to other hemispheres for sub-D-list paid party appearances, and apparently she thinks the way to inject some life into her image is to drain all the actual life out of her body. It's a bold move, but begs the question: If an aging drunken starlet loses half her body weight in a forest and there's no one there to watch, did it really happen? Also, what is the sound of one deflated boob clapping?

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, when I'm not worried about, you know, wars-n-stuff...

Trouble In Paradise?



Who knows if this is true or not, but Life & Style Weekly is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge, the Abercrombie-afficianado father of her child/possible statutory rapist have broken up:
“Jamie Lynn and Casey are NOT together. They’ve broken up numerous times, but he was her first and she kept taking him back," says the insider.

“They’re not dating now. He's really got nothing to offer this baby. He's a kid himself. They have no plans to get married."

"At this point, Jamie Lynn has asked her mom — and not Casey — to be in the delivery room with her.”

A rep for Jamie Lynn was not immediately available for comment.

This is so turning into a Lifetime made for tv movie, ya'll! Broken Promises, Tiny Brain: The Jamie Lynn Spears Story.

I wish I could muster up a bit more interest in lil' Miss Spears, but her elder sister has exhausted most of my trash/trainwreck-fascination reserves...

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Believe it or not, this is Janine Turner, who used to a) star on Northern Exposure, b) have cute brown pixie hair, and c) look human:


(photo via jezebel)


Ole Janine was fugged on Go Fug Yourself yesterday for looking like the poor man's Carol Channing in this photo :


(photo via Go Fug Yourself )

As the Fug Girls mention in their post, Janine is involved in some kind of Christian yoga and cattle-raising when she isn't bleaching her hair and making her face go away.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Chin Up, Britney It Could Be Worse! Well, Not Really.

According to Janet Charlton, this is what Britney Spears looked like right after she heard her lil' sis was up the pole:



All in all, rather apropriate, I think. Sigh.

Related: Jamie Lynn's baby daddy may be a statutory rapist--even in Louisiana! Discuss.

Whole World Is Pregnant


(photo via mog)

Now cute, feisty, pint-sized (and pint-loving) British singer Lily "The Less Druggy Amy Winehouse" Allen, 22, has announced that she, like every other celeb, semi-celeb, sister-of-celeb, and all other females on the planet Earth, is knocked up. Her boyfriend (not the guy in the photo above, I just thought the picture captured some of Lily's "kicky" je ne sais quois, although she--like so many other famous ladies!--has a tendency to date dudes who look like her dad so it's hard to keep track) is one of the Chemical Brothers and is 37.

Whoop-de-do.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Big Fun Says Teenage Pregnancy: Don't Do It!


(photo via evil beet)

Just when you thought the Spears family couldn't possibly get any trashier without actually moving to the city dump and wallowing around like a bunch of ruttin' pigs, one of the young'uns up and gets herself a bun in the oven from some dude in an Abercrombie t-shirt. Just like Mary and Joseph, ya'll! From People Magazine:
Britney Spears's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.

Nickelodeon, which carries her TV show Zoey 101, said in a statement: "We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

Spears and her mother confirmed the pregnancy to OK! magazine, saying she was 12 weeks along and the father is Jamie Lynn's longtime boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Aldridge's mother confirmed it to TMZ.com.

In a completely unrelated story, the release of Lynne "Big Mama" Spears' book on childrearing tips has been postponed.

I wonder how Britney will react? Will she be excited for young Jamie Lynn's impending motherhood/doom? Will she become hysterical at the prospect of being upstaged by her possibly All About Eve-ish sister/interloper? OR WILL SHE SIMPLY KEEP DANCING AROUND HER HOUSE IN A BIKINI LIKE NOTHING IS HAPPENING?


(photo of Britney, lil' Jamie Lynn, and bitter brother in happier times via tee mix)

Just like Jamie Lynn, this story is developing...

Update: Winehouse Out of Jailhouse Now



Amy Winehouse has been released from jail on bail. Did she have the bail money hidden in her 'hive? I fervently hope so!

Developing!

Winehouse In The Jailhouse Now



Why do I get the feeling that this can only end in tears? From TMZ:
Singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of "perverting the course of justice" -- the UK's version of interfering with a police investigation.

TMZ has confirmed that the arrest was made "by appointment" in London today.

Last month, Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, was arrested for the same thing -- related to the case of an alleged assault on a bartender last June.

Well, at least she and her cad rent boy nogoodnik husband can be together, sort of. Since this is England and not Brazil, they'll most likely be in sex-segregated areas of the jail.

Poor Amy. What more can her frighteningly frail lil' body/psyche take? And most importantly, how will this affect the Grammy's? If they get "very special guest" Gwen Stefani to sing "Rehab" in her place I will have no choice but to stab myself in the eye with a fork in protest.

Developing...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo Of All Time Unto Infinity

Sorry to do this to you on a Monday and all, but:



Apparently David Guest was involved in something called a "panto" in the UK that required him to dress up like his ex-beard Liza "Mysterious Collapse" Minelli. Which is both in poor taste and EXTREMELY DISTURBING. Here's another one to make you want to wish you'd never been born with sight:



Oddly, he looks more like Keith Moon in drag than anything else. I don't know what deeper meaning can be gleaned from this phenomenon, other than the fact that the end of civilization is nigh, of course...which the girl on the left is probably praying for with every fiber of her being (I sure hope she had a Silkwood-style shower after this traumatic incident!). Is that guy in the plaid suit supposed to be Daniel Day Lewis? And the one on the end is either an especially pervy Teletubby or quite possibly Nicole Kidman:



Has the whole world lost its mind?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

"Mysterious Collapse" Is Liza's Middle Name!



Nooooo! Liza Minelli is down! Repeat! LIZA IS DOWN! From Reuters:
Veteran entertainer Liza Minnelli collapsed on stage a few songs into a performance in Sweden's second city and was taken to hospital before being discharged on Thursday, a concert promoter said.

Minnelli collapsed during a Christmas show Wednesday night and fell off the side of the stage but was caught by a technician and escaped additional injuries, said Michael Silfverskiold, a local promoter.

"It was a terrible situation," he said. "She fell off the side of the stage. The production manager caught her."

Minnelli, 61, was appearing in a Christmas show, together with Swedish performers. It was the final show after another performance in Gothenburg on Tuesday and shows in Stockholm over the weekend.

Minnelli, the daughter of actress Judy Garland, has been a singer, dancer and actress since her childhood, appearing in numerous films and stage shows. She won an Academy Award as best actress for her performance in Cabaret in 1972.

She was discharged from the hospital Thursday morning and flown back to the United States, Silfverskiold said. He did not know the cause of the collapse and had no other information about her medical condition.

The promoter said her condition had clearly affected her performance. "You could see she was in pain," he said.

Police were called to the venue, the Scandinavium, after reports crowds of concert-goers were angry and had demanded their money back.

But police spokesman Tomas Fuxborg said by the time police had arrived at the scene there was no sign of any trouble.

What would I give to see video of the production manager catching Liza after she fell off the stage? Well, I guess the better question is what wouldn't I give!

Also, how awesome do the Swedes have it? They not only got to see Liza in a holiday spectacular, albeit briefly, but they also got to witness one of her legendary collapses! Just in time for Christmas! Lucky bastards..and then they had to nerve to get "angry"! They should count their Swedish blessings! (Is the high ticket prices for concerts the reason why audiences have been so surly lately when performers disappoint them in a live, Christmas-themed setting? First it was Hall & Oates and now Liza! Is there finally no sense of decency, sir(s), I ask? As Friend of Felt Up Terri R. likes to say, holiday audiences will turn on you like a chow!)

Be careful out there, Liza! We heart you!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It Is Time For You To Stop All Of Your Sobbing


A rare moment of composure.

I don't want to spoil anyone who didn't seen tonight's Project Runway, but this part I'm about to talk about has been alluded to ad nauseum in the previews so I don't feel too bad. Stop reading now if you're terrified of spoilers. Go read something else!

Anyway, I am compelled to point out that the ONE TIME that Ricky, Our Lingerie-Designing Lady of the Terrible Headwear, didn't bawl his eyes out was the same moment that everyone else on the show--even ridonkulous hipster Christian--was crying rivers of tears! The early departure of Jack due to a nasty-looking facial staph infection brought on by his HIV caused much sadness at the Parsons workroom--with the exception of Ricky. He shed nary a tear while all around him was sobbing and shock and sorrow and verklempt-ness.

But later in the show his model gives him some praise--and he weeps. And she gives him a little more encouragement--and he sobs. The man has cried on every single episode of this series--sometimes several times throughout--but only when the situation has to do with HIMSELF.

It's entirely possible might actually be more of a monomaniac narcissist than Christian, albeit with a much less annoying voice. Or I could be completely wrong. Stay tuned!

PS
That dress of Steven's looked more like Wednesday Addams than a French maid, but what do I know? I am but a simple bloggette... I also thought token not-gay Kevin's design should've won...And why didn't the judges give more crap to Gillian for not using any of the original outfit she was given? I thought that was a complete cop-out. Boo, hiss! But I did love Dame Michael Kors' "it's a little Shirley MacLaine as a hooker with a heart of gold" comment about Chris' "French '50s"-by-way-of-Hot Topic outfit. Yay, huzzah!

Ike Turner RIP



Ike Turner--who some believe invented rock-n-roll with his song "Rocket 88"--has died at age 76. From the New York Times:
Ike Turner, whose role as one of rock's critical architects was overshadowed by his ogrelike image as the man who brutally abused former wife and icon Tina Turner, died Wednesday at his home in suburban San Diego. He was 76.

''He did pass away this morning'' at his home in San Marcos, in northern San Diego County, said Scott M. Hanover of Thrill Entertainment Group, which managed Turner's musical career.

There was no immediate word on the cause of death, which was first reported by celebrity Web site TMZ.com.

Turner managed to rehabilitate his image somewhat in his later years, touring around the globe with his band the Kings of Rhythm and drawing critical acclaim for his work. He won a Grammy in 2007 in the traditional blues album category for ''Risin' With the Blues.''

But his image is forever identified as the drug-addicted, wife-abusing husband of Tina Turner. He was hauntingly portrayed by Laurence Fishburne in the movie ''What's Love Got To Do With It,'' based on Tina Turner's autobiography.

In a 2001 interview with The Associated Press, Turner denied his ex-wife's claims of abuse and expressed frustration that he had been demonized in the media, adding that his historic role in rock's beginnings had been ignored.

''You can go ask Snoop Doggor Eminem, you can ask the Rolling Stonesor (Eric) Clapton, or you can ask anybody -- anybody, they all know my contribution to music, but it hasn't been in print about what I've done or what I've contributed until now,'' he said.

Tell it, Ike!

I've always loved that Ike's literary anwer to Tina's memoir I, Tina was called I, Ike.

You were a scoundrel, sir, and possibly deranged, and certainly violent. But Ike Turner, you were also a genius, and you shall be missed, at least around Felt Up HQ, because your music rules. Give me "River Deep, Mountain High" over anything that's come out in the past 40 years...

My greatest ambition in life has always been to be a) a cake decorator and/or b) an Ikette. Now only half that dream is still possible.

What Do We Want? "Maneater!" When Do We Want It? NOW!



Here's something funny to warm your coccles. Apparently the audience for a recent Hall & Oates concert in New York started to get peevish and eventually almost riot when the band stuck to holiday-themed songs from a recent Christmas album rather than their (seemingly endless string of) hits, and hilarity ensued. From New York magazine:
When Hall & Oates, touring in support of their 2006 album Home for Christmas, launched into the first night of their two-day run at the Beacon Theater with “The First Noel,” the audience was into it. Ladies in the next row over from us seemed about ready to toss their underwear onstage as the King of Israel was born.

But after about five such holiday songs, restlessness set in. There were screams for “Maneater.” Suburbanites loudly threatened to catch the next train out of Penn Station if they heard one more carol. And that wasn't the worst of it: Half of the balcony booed when Daryll Hall asked if we were feeling the holiday spirit.

Much of the audience came purely for the greatest hits, and they weren't afraid to shit on Hall, Oates, or baby Jesus to get it.

When the band did start delivering the classics, the crowd warmed right up, doing a “Private Eyes” — CLAP! — “are watching you” — CLAP CLAP! — sing-along and pumping their fists to “Rich Girl.”

The band, possibly out of spite, did not play “Maneater.”

Hee hee! I don't blame that crowd, though. If I'd paid big bucks to see Hall & Oates, I'd want the m-r-effing HITS, man! Screw that holiday horse crap! Play "Sarah Smile" OR I'LL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!

NO "Kiss On My List," NO PEACE!

Run Fast to "Walk Hard" and "Nip/Tuck"

I could give a flying crap if Jessica Alba is pregnant or not, so instead here's a funny preview for the movie Felt Up is peeing her pants with anticipation about, Walk Hard, starring the always-brilliant John C. Reilly as a Johnny Cash-type singer who kind of Forrest Gumps his way through every musical genre of the past fifty years. Yes, I realize this is an ad, and that these previews are kind of ubiquitous right now, but it's my blog! You're not my father! And I think it's really funny. And there is NOTHING ELSE OF INTEREST TODAY.



And what the hell, here's another one. Warning: This clip uses the "s" word because it was made for international audiences who can better handle exposure to naughtiness, so if you're at work you might want to turn the sound down. However, again, FUNNY, especially if you saw Walk The Line or know about Johnny Cash's real-life tragic childhood:



And this is off subject, but here a few of my favorite things from last night's Nip/Tuck (SPOILERS!):

1) They have finally exhausted every single possible shocking thing on planet Earth and must now resort to aliens from outer space.

2) The creepy-but-strangely-unfulfilling kidnapping/aborted rape scene (at first I was afraid the show was going to go all Six Feet Under-worst-episode-ever on me but it managed to just barely avoid it) showed that a) Joely Richardson is frighteningly skinny and should remain clothed at all times, b) in comparison with Ms. Richardson, anorexic "Muffia" don Portia DiRossi looks like the picture of health and vitality, and c) the whole scenario was enacted solely to introduce a gun into the plot of the show.

3) When Dr. Sean McNamara tells Julia and Dr. Christian Troy that he's having an affair with distubingly Elizabeth Berkeley-in-Showgirls-esque Eden because he feels old, Dr. Christian Troy says something along the lines of "I've been dipping into the healing powers of young p**sy for years." Ha!

4) I totally called (in my mind) that stupid and repulsive Michael Jackson-lookalike Matt would burn himself up in a retarded meth lab explosion. Double ha!

God, I love this show.

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's A Star So Janet Got An Autograph

There is shite for gossip lately, so let's ease the boredom and take a stroll down Felt Up Memory Lane with one of my favorite--and I think somewhat lesser-seen--Schoolhouse Rock episodes, "Interplanet Janet." Enjoy!



Was everyone in children's television in the '70s on drugs? I think so! And thank sweet holy Christ!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

My Reality Show Worlds Colliding AGAIN!



OMG. Apparently Jack, the buff HIV-positive contestant on the current Project Runway, is dating be-fauxhawked ex-contestant from Top Chef, Dale! OutZone provides this rather breathless report, starting with a quote from Jack:
"It's very baby steps. I really like him a lot. And geography is a bit of an issue, but we'll see where it goes. I like him a lot. I assume he likes me a lot. Unless he's lying...(laughter)... He's adorable. I like keeping it incestuous, keep it in the Bravo family."

SO we immediately had to call Dale, who told us,

"Yeah, we randomly met over Myspace. And then we bumped into each other at the OUT100 party and clicked. He's hilarious. We're just gonna roll with it and see what happens. And he's cute as %&#@. We have the same sense of humor. We giggle a lot, and you know, anytime you end up going through the Bravo-reality-show...we just looked at each other and said, 'yeah...'"

The above picture was described to us, by the way, as "it was the first time we met. All starry-eyed and stupid."

The only thing that makes me nervous about all this adorable Bravo-related-incest is that last night's preview for the next episode of Project Runway made it seem like they were about to reveal some terrible, frightening news about Jack and his HIV status. He'd already been very forthright about his illness, but there have been some rumors afoot about some kind of controversy with "the HIV guy" since before the show started airing, so who knows what it could be? Knowing Bravo and their devious editors, probably NOTHING, but you never can tell.

Now if only they could get the Flipping Out guy to pitch woo with Carson Kressley, all would be right in the world...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Well, now I've seen everything. Apparently Joan Van Ark of Knot's Landing semi-fame is now The Undead:



Is this merely the very latest in anti-aging procedures? Controlled death on an outpatient basis followed by partial re-animation, with a few post-mortem JuvĂ©derm™ touch-ups and eternal damnation to the twilight limbo of wampyrdom?

And lest ye doubters think that poor Miss Van Ark is merely the victim of a bad camera angle or unflattering lighting, here's another shot:



Look at those claws! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Joan Van Ark is no longer human! SHE IS A ZOMBIE WHO WILL EAT YOUR FACE!